Argus Hamilton's column for 4-30-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported Thursday this April has been one of the chilliest Aprils in one hundred years. Meteorologists lost track of the warm air current. El Nino got as far as the Arizona border, where it changed its name to Buster Johnson.

Tiger Woods plays in the Quail Hollow Championship in Charlotte Friday in his first public appearance since his scandal broke. There'll be no one on the course to keep the women away from him. He's been looking forward to this day for a long time.

USA Today hyped Tim Tebow as the savior of the NFL's image Thursday. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't do drugs and he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex. Last week Tim Tebow celebrated his twenty-second birthday, the question is, how?

Miami Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland apologized for asking NFL draftee Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute. They have to check out these rookies very carefully. Each one gets a home visit to see if his dogs are healthy or if they have any battle scars.

President Obama campaigned Wednesday in Iowa and Illinois and Missouri, where he stopped for a charcoal hamburger at Peggy Sue's Cafe in Monroe City. The president didn't pay for the meal. The next three generations of Americans will pick up the tab.

Texas Governor Rick Perry admitted he shot and killed a coyote with his Magnum pistol while jogging in Austin. It's going to cost him. Texans don't mind, but the next day Governor Perry was fined by Louisiana, Oklahoma and New Mexico for littering.

Sandra Bullock filed for divorce from Jesse James Monday. He cheated with Nazi strippers and he dressed up like Hitler. Jesse James lost his last chance of holding onto his marriage when he accepted the appointment as territorial governor of Arizona.

House Democrats went ballistic over Arizona's new law which lets police arrest illegal aliens. The party's future depends on Mexico. The Democratic Party used to enjoy the advantage of having eight kids in every family but now they simply order in.

Texas lawmakers considered writing a bill similar to Arizona's new law letting cops detain illegal aliens. It's no strain on the system. Texas police have plenty of time on their hands now that NFL teams are only drafting players of good character.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome called a city-wide travel boycott of Arizona Tuesday. They've nothing in common. San Francisco is a gay community while Arizona is a Confederate colony, they haven't been seen together since Bonanza was canceled.

GOP candidate for governor Tim James demanded that Alabama be English only to keep out illegal immigrants. They upset the delicate racial balance in Alabama between blacks and whites. The state simply doesn't have the money for a third set of schools.

Al Sharpton promised to lead protest marches in Phoenix and Tucson Thursday to support the rights of illegal aliens to work in farm and service jobs in the United States. It's come to this. Civil rights leaders are marching in support of slave labor.

The Coast Guard announced a plan to burn the million-gallon oil spill floating on the Gulf of Mexico in one giant fire. The situation is costing a lot of jobs in the restaurant industry in New Orleans. The shrimp are arriving on shore fully cooked.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-29-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Mexico denounced Arizona's new law cracking down on illegal immigrants Tuesday and issued an advisory to its citizens not to travel there. It's unbelievable. We spent ten billion dollars on a virtual fence when all we had to do was insult them.

Mexican coyotes were reportedly charging people three thousand dollars to be transported across the U.S. border. Anyone who can't pay must carry drugs. It seems inhumane but it guarantees you a warm welcome in California if you can make it through Arizona.

New York women marched in low-cut blouses to protest an Iranian mullah's ruling that lewd clothing causes earthquakes. Hours later an earthquake hit Taiwan. Democrats announced they're going to have hearings to investigate the mullahs for insider trading.

The White House said Tuesday Somali pirates in U.S. custody will be tried in New York. They're charged with piracy at sea. Security at the courthouse will be tight to prevent Goldman Sachs recruiters from coming in and signing them to long-term deals.

Goldman Sachs was ripped by the U.S. Senate Tuesday for making money during the crash by covering both sides of mortgage securities sales. Why the fuss? Under SEC law it's not a crime to sell gasoline and fire extinguishers out of the same station wagon.

Hugh Hefner saved the Hollywood sign from demolition by real estate developers Monday with a cash donation. Everyone's nostalgic about the sign. Putting a city's name on the hillside is how people used to find their way around before there was GPS.

Larry King's lawyer announced in Beverly Hills Friday that the King of Talk is calling off his divorce proceedings in hopes of a reconciliation. Last night his wife met him at the door wearing a sexy negligee. The trouble is, she was coming home.

The Supreme Court will decide if California can ban video games for kids where people are maimed, killed or sexually assaulted. How are kids supposed to learn? First the schools cut driver's ed and now the state's banned high school simulation training.

The Boy Scouts reported a huge increase in the number of children enrolling in scouting. It's a sign of the times. Kids need to learn how to live outside in the woods so when they graduate from college they don't have to move in with their parents.

National Security Adviser Jim Jones apologized for telling a Jewish joke while onstage. He mistakenly thought he had a gift for comedy. Throughout his military career people always laughed at his jokes, but that's because he has nuclear weapons.

WalMart was targeted by a class-action lawsuit Monday that claims the retailer discriminates against female employees. It's huge. WalMart could be forced to pay huge cash settlements to a million women, breaking a record Tiger Woods thought would stand forever.

Orly Airport in Paris reopened Tuesday after ten days of volcanic ash shutdown, allowing stranded passengers to fly home from France. Everyone was deliriously joyful. Whenever this many Germans leave France in one day, there is a victory parade.

Phoenix was the site of riots Tuesday as Hispanics protested the new law which makes it a crime to be in the country illegally. Washington vowed to take action against the state. Democrats in Congress on Tuesday interrupted their scapegoating of Jewish investment bankers from Goldman Sachs to call Arizonans a bunch of Nazis.





Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-28-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Denver Broncos drafted Tim Tebow in the first round Thursday believing his high character makes him an NFL winner. He admits he's a virgin. He could be the first quarterback ever suspended for chivalry toward a woman in the restroom of a bar.

The NFL draft went six rounds, ending Saturday in New York City. Every NFL team drafted for need. The Pittsburgh Steelers drafted three linebackers, two defense lawyers, and a Clinton apologist and a Bush apologist to write for Ben Roethlisberger.

Iceland's volcano stopped erupting long enough for flights to resume in Europe Friday. The thick ash hovers in the air over London. Keith Richards opened up his car window Tuesday and for the first time in forty years the smoke went into the limo.

Hugh Hefner saved the Hollywood sign from demolition by developers Monday with a million dollar donation to save the landmark. He doesn't see as well as he used to see. He saw the two O's in the sign and thought he was paying for a new girlfriend.

The White House flew captured Somali pirates to New York for trial. They robbed and looted on the high seas. They'll never be able to get a jury of their peers with all the investment bankers constantly having to go to Washington to testify.

Goldman Sachs executives testified in Congress before angry lawmakers on Tuesday. The firm made billions selling short when the housing market melted down. The lawmakers who caused the housing market meltdown in the first place feel underpaid for their work.

SEC watchdogs were found to be watching porn on their computers during the Wall Street crash two year ago. It's not news. The SEC's mission to protect investors will always come in a distant second to watching anything with sorority girls in the title.

GOP senators blocked President Obama's Wall Street reform bill on Monday. They say it allows the U.S. government to pick and choose who gets rescued and who gets liquidated. James Cameron just bought the rights to this bill for a sequel to Titanic.

President Obama met with Billy Graham Sunday at the preacher's cabin home near Asheville. They prayed together for half an hour. Billy Graham has met with every president since Eisenhower, the moment their approval ratings dipped into the forties.

President Obama greeted the New York Yankees at the White House on Monday. The president praised the team's fabled pinstripe tradition. The governor of Illinois always wears pinstripe suits so he won't have to change clothes when he goes to prison.

George W. Bush handed his presidential memoir Decision Points to the publisher Monday for release in November. The book should be funny. It's about the twelve toughest decisions he made as president, and three of them were rock, paper, scissors.

Arizona adopted a law allowing cops to detain and deport anybody they think is an illegal alien. Some people say it gives the police too much discretion and they may be right. The first ten thousand people deported to Mexico were African-Americans.

President Obama warned blacks, Hispanics, young people and women that progress is at stake in November. He sees the coming tide. It's not fair that white male Tea Party protesters get a free commercial every time you pull a bill out of your wallet.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved. Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-27-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Securities and Exchange Commission investigators were busted for watching porn on computers during the Wall Street crash two years ago. What idiots. They never knew there'd be more screwing to watch on Wall Street than on their computer screens.

Larry King called off his divorce to Shawn Southwick in Beverly Hills Thursday after she claimed he fell in love with her sister. In the past forty years he's been divorced eight times by seven women. Larry King is the inspiration for twin beds.

Kappa Alpha fraternity banned the wearing of Confederate uniforms at Old South parties Friday. The kids tried to meet the Yankees halfway. However it didn't mollify anybody when they all wore number forty-two on their uniforms on Jackie Robinson Day.

The NCAA agreed to a ten billion dollar deal Friday from CBS Sports and Turner to air the annual college basketball tournament. It's staggering. The reason President Obama plays golf instead of basketball is that basketball's become just too profitable.

Arizona's governor signed a bill allowing cops to arrest illegal aliens. A forty-mile region north of the border has been overrun and seized by deadly drug gangs. President Obama denounced the law and told Arizonans to get used to a two-state solution.

The White House moved Thursday to curb Wall Street's derivatives market used by investment bankers to make risk-free millions. You can't prosecute them. They'll just plead innocent in court then hedge their plea by betting against their acquittal.

The SEC decided to sue Goldman Sachs for shortselling mortgage securities they were selling to other customers. It's not illegal to sell investors a deal that's destined to fail. The employees in Wrigley Field's box office were happy to hear that.

The White House released a report Friday saying that U.S. kids are so overweight it's a threat to national security. They don't exercise. In Beverly Hills Little League if a player gets four balls he doesn't walk, his mom drives him to first base.

Reverend Franklin Graham was dropped from the National Day of Prayer breakfast Friday. He offended Muslims. They didn't care that Franklin Graham described Islam as evil but they were very upset when they found out that his father led the Crusades.

South Park creators were threatened with death by Muslims for the show's depiction of Prophet Muhammed on Comedy Central. The network caved in and edited it. They could have hired security guards but no one's hiring now that they have to pay for health care.

USA Today reported Tuesday that forty-one doctors are running for House seats or Senate seats this fall. They had no choice but to go to Washington D.C. personally. Their income's been cut so much by health care reform that they can't afford lobbyists.

President Obama backed away Friday from Democrat Alexi Giannoulias, who's running for his former Senate seat in Illinois. The guy is connected to a crooked bank, which is connected to Obama's indicted fundraiser Tony Rezko, who's connected to the mayor of Chicago. Before this is over President Obama will be showing his Kenyan birth certificate as an alibi.

George Washington was found Friday to owe three hundred thousand dollars in overdue book fees to the New York City Public Library. Shortly after he became president he checked out a book of House of Lords transcripts and never returned it. He'd only been president a month and already he was looking for an exit strategy.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

All rights reserved. Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-25-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sam Bradford was the first pick of the NFL draft in New York on Thursday. What a day. His net worth jumped forty million dollars in one day, prompting President Obama to warn Wall Street to get behind quarterback reform before it's forced on them.

Al Pacino starred as Jack Kevorkian in an HBO movie Saturday. The premiere was a huge event in New York. They had an after-party at the Four Seasons, where the celebrity gift bags included complete instructions in case your series gets canceled.

The Pittsburgh Steelers tried to trade Ben Roethlisberger Thursday after he got suspended for six games. He's a changed man. He spent the last six seasons as a passer and a runner for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but now he's just a blocker for Tiger Woods.

Terry Bradshaw ripped Ben Roethlisberger for irresponsible behavior with women and on his motorcycle. Four years ago he crashed his Harley without a helmet. The paramedics found a pulse on him, so he qualified for a federally guaranteed home loan.

Lane Bryant lingerie ads for full-figured women were refused by ABC Friday. The network said the cleavage on the full-sized women was excessive. You must forgive ABC, the only time people in show business get to see natural breasts is at Thanksgiving.

London's Heathrow Airport resumed flights Thursday after a five-day layoff due to volcanic ash in the air. It's grimy up there. Arriving male passengers get off the plane looking like they're in blackface and now their fraternities have been suspended.

Arnold Schwarzenegger did TV ads promoting California tourism. The timing must be exact. We have to get the tourists here after the mudslides and before the brushfires or else they'll qualify for free trailers and we'll never get rid of them.

Arizona passed a bill Monday not allowing anyone on the state ballot who can't provide a U.S. birth certificate. It's time somebody took a stand. Right now you need more documentation to be a greeter at WalMart than to be President of the United States.

Arizona's legislature passed a law letting local cops detain suspected illegal immigrants and deport them if they have no papers. Technology was oversold as a solution to the problem. We now know that the only virtual fence that works is eBay.

President Obama pressed for Wall Street reform at Cooper Union's Great Hall in New York. He wants the pre-emptive power to liquidate companies that might pose a threat at some later date. He started out as Jesus and he's ending up as Dick Cheney.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York called for the federal government to develop a plan to stop drug smuggling from Canada. It's an outrage. Just because he can afford to pay retail for his prescription drugs doesn't mean every senior citizen can.

Brandeis University's German Studies Department likened Tea Party activists to the Nazi Party Thursday. It makes no sense. The Tea Partyers aren't anti-Semitic, they don't break windows, and they wouldn't go to Poland if it were all-expenses-paid.

The View welcomed Joe Biden to the ABC daytime talk show Thursday in Manhattan where he chatted freely with the hosts. He went off the notes again. He gossiped that Israel has agreed not to attack Iran until after U.S. sanctions have been given time to work, but he made the women promise not to tell anyone because it's Top Secret.



Copyright 2010 Argus HamiltonAll rights reserved.Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Beverly Hills Little League coach Hector Penate admitted his affair with Larry King's wife Shawn. He says Larry didn't care because Larry loved his wife's sister Shannon. Little Leaguers in Beverly Hills go to the games to watch their parents play.

Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren left him in Florida Tuesday and flew home to Sweden accompanied by their kids. How angry is she? A lot of women get mad enough to go home to their mothers, but how many will fly through volcanic ash to get there?

Las Vegas magician David Copperfield is no longer facing a sexual assault lawsuit after his female accuser dropped her claims Wednesday. He's free of all charges. An hour after his name was cleared, Ben Roethlisberger called and offered him a million dollars for the trick.

Pittsburgh Steelers star Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for six games by the NFL Wednesday. His return depends on a clinical evaluation this fall. If he's diagnosed by the psychiatrist as a danger to himself and others he could be moved to linebacker.

The Pentagon asked the White House to disinvite Franklin Graham from the National Day of Prayer breakfast. He offended Muslims by saying that Islam is evil. Once we gave up nuclear weapons it was just a matter of time before we renounced Protestantism.

President Obama spoke in Manhattan Thursday where he demanded Wall Street stop fighting reform. No reason for fear. Barack Obama is just interested in helping Wall Street, the same way a kid with a magnifying glass is interested in helping ants.

Denver was the site of a huge protest by advocates for the legalization of marijuana Tuesday on a holiday called by pot smokers. Many people are selling marijuana to earn added income. Half the church brownie sales in Los Angeles are self-perpetuating.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens was applauded Tuesday on his ninetieth birthday. He wrote the landmark decision giving Internet users absolute freedom of speech. He took pornography and gambling off the streets and put it on your Visa card.

Nancy Pelosi showed up at a Palm Beach fundraiser Sunday where there were more security guards than guests. Unions are furious at her. If there are more people in the cast than in the audience Actors Equity says the performance should be canceled.

General Motors announced jubilantly Wednesday they've paid back all government loans from the U.S. and Canada. Not everyone is happy. When GM announced it was back on its way to private ownership and profitability Barack Obama blamed it on the Bush administration.

The SEC sued Goldman Sachs on Friday, days before Barack Obama introduced his Wall Street reform bill. The timing just reeks. The government's case is so defective that if it were a Toyota they would be peeling it off the side of a mountain right now.

Earth Day was marked by enviro-friendly rallies across America Thursday. Earthquakes are destroying whole nations, a volcano just cost the airlines two billion dollars, and tornado season begins this week followed by hurricane season. Having a day to honor this planet is like making Osama bin Laden's birthday a school holiday.

Arizona enacted a new law allowing police to detain anybody suspected of being an illegal alien and deporting them home to Mexico. We've tried worker IDs, electronic beam fences and high-tech databases and they have failed. We could build a wall, but unless it's an iPhone app called Wall, the government doesn't think it's cool enough.



Copyright 2010 Argus HamiltonAll rights reserved.Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-22-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was urged by the Pentagon to sanction Iran over Iran's nuclear program Tuesday. Iranians don't want to cooperate with Obama. As soon as you take his telephone call he tries to force you to give home loans to people with bad credit.

Oklahoma Sooner Sam Bradford was listed as the top NFL draft pick Thursday and a big contract awaits him. He told ESPN he doesn't want to know anything about business and he totally trusts his agent. In Hollywood this is known as Nicolas Cage Disorder.

Mark Twain was honored in Hartford on the centennial of his death Tuesday. For the last forty years of his life he lived in Hartford to be near his publisher. Then as now it was much easier for comedians to get an advance in person than by mail.

Iceland's volcano eruption last week caused the biggest disruption in aviation ever. Travelers were stuck at airports for five days. The scanning machines got so tired of seeing the same bodies they started watching ballgames and acting indifferent.

The NCAA banned football players from wearing eyeblack with messages printed on them. It was necessary. These kids are supposed to be amateurs and it's just matter of time before Nike starts naming its new athletic shoes Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Iran's cleric said Monday women who dress promiscuously cause earthquakes. They will soon begin underground nuclear testing along a major fault. They're trying to blame their next earthquake on cleavage because they think it'll be good for tourism.

Journal Dermatology published research Monday finding that use of tanning beds may be addictive. They can also be hazardous. Each tanning bed already comes with a warning that the use of this product could get you arrested and deported in Arizona.

Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahoney ripped Arizona's new law allowing police to question and arrest anyone appearing to be illegal immigrants. The cardinal even likened Arizona to the Third Reich. Now his boss wants to buy vacation property there.

The European Union said Monday that vacation travel is a human right. They say governments must subsidize vacations for poor people. In America owning a trailer home is a human right, and a tornado takes you wherever it takes you for your vacation.

Bill Clinton implied last week that Tea Party protesters could inspire another Oklahoma City-like domestic terrorism act. It makes him angry when members of the Tea Party talk about freedom. He hasn't had any freedom since camera phones came out.
President Obama's motorcade drew thousands of onlookers Monday in downtown Los Angeles. People lined the street to watch as the motorcade raced by. They couldn't understand why the cops didn't just throw a spike strip in front of him.

The White House sued Goldman Sachs for short-selling mortgage derivatives just before last year's crash. The investment bank hired Obama's fired White House counsel Greg Craig to defend them in court against the president's Justice Department attorneys. The only thing missing in this picture is oboe music and screaming surfers.

President Obama will speak at the Cooper Union in Lower Manhattan today to demand more federal supervision over Wall Street. Investment bankers provide the working capital that makes it possible for Americans to start businesses, create jobs and finance growth. They could all be arrested for making government less necessary.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-21-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Larry King filed for divorce from his eighth wife Shawn Southwick Thursday. His lawyers say there's only a fifty percent chance he will go through with the divorce. This is Hollywood, there's always a fifty percent chance he'll just kill her.

Al Pacino stars in an HBO movie Saturday about Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who pioneered doctor-assisted suicide. He was sent to prison but the case changed his profession. These days if a psychiatrist determines you are suicidal they make you pay in advance.

Iceland's volcano eruption last week caused the biggest disruption ever in aviation history throughout Europe. Ash and smoke came roaring out of the Eyjafjallajokull Glacier. The volcano erupted suddenly and spewed Scrabble tiles all over the atmosphere.

Carlsberg brewery in Copenhagen cut workplace drinking to three beers at lunch on Friday, causing a strike. Workers demanded the right to drink beer at cigarette breaks. It's the kind of healthy lifestyle you'd expect from a city named after chewing tobacco.

President Obama will honor the New York Yankees at the White House for winning the World Series. The players don't want to go. If they want to be lectured about making more money than they're worth they can have breakfast with George Steinbrenner.

Michelle Obama told CNN she and her husband limit the time their daughters can spend online. They're worried about what they might find on the Internet. Last night the girls grilled them for two hours about the deficit they're going to inherit.

Joe Biden took to the microphone Monday to announce the U.S. killed two al-Qaeda leaders in Iraq. It left the White House a bit embarrassed. Now the Attorney General has to decide whether to put Joe Biden on trial in New York or by a military tribunal.

Time's Joe Klein accused Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck of sedition. They call for liberty, low taxes and limited government. You're not allowed to quote the Founding Fathers without arching your eyebrow and reminding the listener they all owned slaves.

Bill Clinton urged the Tea Party to temper its language Friday. He said they could inspire radical militias to violence. This from a president who took down a painting of George Washington in the Oval Office and replaced it with The Rape of the Sabine Women.

Arizona enacted a new law letting cops arrest anyone on a street corner who may be an illegal alien. It's just not fair. There are a lot of people standing on street corners looking for work nowadays, and some of them came over on the Mayflower.

Pope Benedict struggled to control the damage to the Roman Catholic Church and to his own reputation Sunday by meeting and consoling and praying with victims of priest sex abuse in Malta. The pope had tears in his eyes. It must have been the mace.

The SEC filed a civil suit against Goldman Sachs for conflict of interest on Friday, timed suspiciously with the president's financial regulatory bill. It just never ends. On Monday he flew out to Hollywood to stage a takeover of James Cameron.

The World Health Organization advised Europeans to stay indoors as volcanic ash spread over Europe from Iceland. The ash also diffuses the light and causes deep orange sunsets, making everyone look ten years younger. Hollywood residents were last seen on top of Mount Wilson with toilet plungers trying to get lava to come out of the peak.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-20-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The National Day of Prayer was ruled unconstitutional by a U.S. Court of Appeals Thursday. It won't stand. The case will be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court, where six Catholics, two Jews, and a ninety-year-old man are said to be tilting towards God.

Jerry Jones was caught on video rambling about football while drunk at a piano bar last week. The video raced around the Internet. Whenever a Texas team owner is photographed dancing on top of a piano bar while drunk, the Republicans nominate him for president.

Tea Party rallies were held nationwide on Tax Day Thursday, attracting millions of protesters. The Democrats tried to portray them as racists. Sixty is the new forty, Toyota is the new Pinto, and lower taxes and less government is the new N-word.

Nicolas Cage lost his Bel-Air mansion to foreclosure Tuesday, a month after he lost two homes to foreclosure in New Orleans. The guy can't win. At the height of the real estate market he bought a vacation house at the base of a volcano in Iceland.

Iceland was the site of a volcano eruption last week that spewed thick clouds of ash over Europe. It shut down all air travel across the continent. So many flights were canceled that airport body scanner machines had to drive to Amsterdam to get their daily fix of naked women.

Al Pacino plays Jack Kevorkian in an HBO movie this Saturday. It's amazing how things can change if you just hang in there. Fifteen years ago Jack Kevorkian was considered the crazed suicide doctor and today he is the father of health care reform.

Ben Roethlisberger lost his commercial endorsement deal for Big Ben Beef Jerky Wednesday in the wake of the sex assault charges against him. It's not all bad. He lost his ad deal for beef jerky but he's been hired to be the villain in pepper spray commercials.

Larry King filed for divorce Thursday after allegations he cheated on his wife with his wife's much younger sister. It could work out. We're a week away from the May ratings sweeps period and CNN is advertising Larry King as the Jewish Tiger Woods.

The FAA admitted it grounded the plane that flew banners over Augusta National to heckle Tiger Woods last week. It's obvious what happened. Barack Obama tried three times to hit the plane with lightning and when he couldn't he called up the FAA.

President Obama flew to Kennedy Space Center in Florida Thursday and announced the termination of American manned space travel. The NASA space flight program is hereby grounded. He's punishing NASA for refusing to turn the Hubble Telescope on him.

The U.S. Border Patrol raided Arizona shuttle bus drivers for smuggling illegal aliens Thursday. It's the best evidence yet the economy's recovering. People finally have enough cash to buy marijuana and there aren't enough farm workers to harvest it.

Hillary Clinton's State Department revealed on Wednesday it spent almost three hundred thousand dollars on alcoholic beverages last year. That's twice as much as Condi Rice's State Department spent two years ago. This proves that a woman who is cheating with the president drinks less that the woman the president's cheating on.

The U.S. Army is court-martialing an Army doctor who won't deploy to Afghanistan because he doubts Obama's citizenship. The White House is ready with talking points. Last week Democrats said Ronald Reagan also tried to reduce the U.S. nuclear stockpile, and next week they'll be saying that George Washington was also born a British subject.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-18-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House faced a nationwide drive to repeal the health care reform law Wednesday. There's a lot of hostility. McDonald's now offers an Obama Special, you order whatever you want and the three people in line behind you pay for it.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell met Ben Roethlisberger on Monday after a Georgia district attorney refused to prosecute a rape claim made by a sorority girl. The girl faced an embarrassing trial. It's a felony in Georgia to say no to a quarterback.

Sarah Palin's contract for a speaking gig required that her hotel room have two bottles of water and a bendable straw. A bendable straw is essential. If anyone ever gets a photo of her with a straw going up her nose, her political career is over in the Red States.

President Obama banned the press from his Nuclear Security Summit in Washington Tuesday. Network news reporters declared the summit a success even though none of them were allowed inside. The White House press room is now king of all parrot jokes.

GOP Congressman Ron Paul stunned the political world Wednesday by pulling even with President Obama in a hypothetical election match-up for 2012. The Texas gynecologist is a political phenomenon. The Republicans are back in the saddle again.

Oprah Winfrey's biography by Kitty Kelley hit the bookstores Monday. It details her sexual adventures with family, schoolmates, johns, TV reporters, black women, white men, white women and black men. Is there any wonder it was reported in Variety?

Neil Armstrong expressed outrage Tuesday when Barack Obama scrapped NASA space flights. We'll have to hitch rides with the Russians. With the election of America's first black president comes the perception of the moon as just another all-white golf club.

President Obama lectured Virginians for naming April Confederate History Month without mentioning slavery. It didn't have to happen. Slavery would have been peacefully and quietly replaced but the citizens of South Carolina refused to learn to speak Spanish.

Michelle Obama flew to Mexico City Tuesday to discuss anti-drug programs. They work so well in our own country. The demand for drugs is so high in America that Mexico's farmers have to come to our national forests just to find enough arable land.

Attorney General Eric Holder assured the Senate Wednesday that Mexican border control is a security priority. They musn't stop the flow of goods. In addition to oil, silver, tequila and strawberries, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.

Attorney General Eric Holder couldn't tell the Senate Wednesday where the Obama administration will hold high-profile terror trials. They may or may not be in New York. Wall Street bankers are still trying to get a change of venue to a free country.

President Obama invited Republicans to the White House Wednesday to discuss the financial regulatory reform bill which would rein in Wall Street. They're sure to block it. The health care reform bill was just to ensure medical coverage for the sick and the poor, wait until the Republicans fight for an issue they care about.

Tea Party activists held over seven hundred rallies Thursday to protest higher taxes. The original Boston Tea Party was a local protest against lower British tea taxes which threatened John Hancock's black market in smuggled Dutch tea. If today's Tea Party protesters really wanted to lower taxes, they'd show up in Redcoats.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-16-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Toyota urged people not to buy its Lexus GX 460, saying that the SUV has a rollover problem. Their cars either can't stop, speed out of control or fall over. You knew this would happen once the U.S. government forced them to make cars that run on alcohol.

CBS Sports anchor Jim Nantz denounced Tiger Woods Monday for his on-the-course swearing at the Masters. The expletives were broadcast live on the air. The reason he had ninety security guards was to keep him from being killed by a rival rap label.

Charles Barkley urged the news media on Tuesday to leave Tiger Woods alone and permit him to get his life together. The NBA legend relates to Tiger's problems. His own golf swing is so bad it just qualified for a government subsidy as a windmill.

Terry Bradshaw criticized Ben Roethlisberger Tuesday for drinking and repeatedly assaulting women in bars. Two years ago Ben flew headfirst through a windshield in a motorcycle wreck. Until now we didn't realize the windshield was flirting with him.

Planet Hollywood will auction Marilyn Monroe's chest X-rays from her physical. They'll also auction a fifteen dollar check she wrote for the exam. It's absolutely pornographic to exhibit a fifteen dollar medical bill outside an art museum.

Mercedes-Benz rolled out its six hundred horsepower sports car at the New York Auto Show last week. Baby boomers love this car. Sure it's expensive, but with a top speed of two hundred miles an hour it's a lot cheaper than nursing home insurance.

Michelle Obama was dispatched to Haiti Tuesday as a goodwill ambassador to the earthquake victims on the island. The first lady said she really enjoyed her time there. She thinks her campaign against childhood obesity is finally working somewhere.

President Obama bowed to China's president at a summit Tuesday. It's his fifth bow to Third World leaders. His plan is to put himself in so many Republican campaign commercials he'll have Screen Actors Guild health insurance for the rest of his life.

The White House science adviser John Holdren told science students Monday the U.S. can't expect to be number one in the world forever. The professor went on to say that's a good thing. The lower we go the better the draft pick we get for the next president.

Scripps Clinic said Friday that junk food triggers the same electrical brain activity as cocaine. Both light up the same pleasure centers in human beings. They serve Twinkies at Cocaine Anonymous meetings in Hollywood just to keep attendance up.

PETA urged the U.S. government to close down the Ringling Brothers Circus Monday claiming they whip elephants. Reaction was swift. As soon as the story broke, three GOP donors purchased season passes to Ringling Brothers thinking it is a bondage club.

Kitty Kelley's new book says Oprah Winfrey made up stories of sexual abuse and was a teen hooker and hid lesbian affairs. This officially ends the Tiger Woods jokes. The first requirement of a democratic society is continuity in sex scandals.

Tea Party Tax Day protests were targeted for infiltration by liberal bloggers who routinely call Tea Party members racist, homophobic morons. The bloggers think of the nation's Founding Fathers as slave-owning, Anglo-Saxon imperialists. They would cover their pictures on the currency but you can't make any money blogging.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama fell to a forty-three percent approval rating Monday. He just reduced the U.S. nuclear arsenal, then downgraded the threat of radical Islam. Nike released an ad with the late Earl Woods' voice asking Obama if he's learned anything.

Tiger Woods angered golfers Wednesday by comparing his comeback to Ben Hogan's comeback after a car wreck. Ben threw himself in front of his wife to protect her during a head-on crash. He was with his wife, so it had nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods refused to apologize for his swearing at the Masters Sunday, saying that's how he feels about poor shots. He's a changed man. Tiger Woods has stopped pursuing Jack Nicklaus' records and he's begun listening to Richard Pryor's records.

Texas Stadium was imploded with a ton of dynamite Sunday. It was time to start over. The Dallas Cowboys stopped doing coke and dating strippers and shooting up nightclubs ten years ago and now Jerry Jones can't sell a luxury box to save his soul.

Prince Charles' wife Camilla Parker Bowles broke her leg Thursday while hiking in England. Their marriage was only recently possible. Things have changed since a Prince of Wales couldn't marry a divorced woman or have her shot if she breaks a leg.

Kitty Kelley began promoting her new biography of Oprah Winfrey on Monday. She previously wrote that Nancy Reagan and Frank Sinatra had sex in the White House and George W. Bush snorted cocaine in his dad's Oval Office. The good thing about Kitty Kelley doing a book about you is that sometimes she can find polyps and it will save your life.

Qatar's Ambassador to the U.S. was caught smoking in an airliner bathroom Friday on a U.S. domestic flight. Fighter jets scrambled after he joked he was lighting his shoes on fire. In America, you can go to jail for using a joke that's eight years old.

President Obama's approval ratings kept falling Friday as the Tea Party gained momentum. He's looking like a one-term president. The American people are grateful to him for pulling the country out of a hole but they don't intend to be sentimental about it.

President Obama had reportedly agreed Thursday to appear on American Idol this spring. This has been building for a year. He told his agent he's sick and tired of wasting his talents doing daytime television and he wants to go where the money is.

The Vatican marked the fortieth anniversary of the Beatles break-up Monday by forgiving them for doing drugs and claiming they were bigger than Jesus. The church leaders singled out Paul McCartney. They said they especially wanted to forgive the cute one.

House Democrats said they may summon Toyota for more hearings in Congress next week. Viewers love it when politicians get together with car dealers and lawyers. Whenever any one of them swears to tell the truth it gets the biggest laugh of the day.

Bank of America and JP Morgan Chase announced Friday they will hire thousands of new bankers and interns. Hiring the interns is a calculated risk. They think they will save more money on salaries than they will pay out in sexual harassment settlements.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference met in New Orleans, where Mitt Romney eked out a presidential straw poll victory over Texas libertarian Ron Paul by one vote. The GOP delegates were evenly split between a Mormon and a gynecologist. Is it any wonder Republicans are getting caught in bondage clubs in West Hollywood?




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-14-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The White House quashed reports Monday that Hillary Clinton's being considered for the Supreme Court. A lot of men are breathing a sigh of relief. Every time a womanizer's wife makes it to the Supreme Court it's one more vote for the death penalty.

Phil Mickelson won the Masters on Sunday to the joy of a wildly cheering crowd at Augusta National Golf Club. All he talked about was his commitment to his wife and children. Look, it's one thing to beat Tiger Woods, it's another thing to pile on.

Tiger Woods took full responsibility for his Masters tournament play Sunday. He was sweet and accommodating and humble to fans and reporters all week long. No one knows if the operation was done in Mississippi or if Elin did it with a kitchen knife.

Texas Stadium was imploded with over a ton of dynamite Sunday. Twenty thousand people camped overnight in the parking lot to witness the demolition. They were hoping to see George W. Bush stand on the rubble with the bullhorn for old time's sake.

Nicholas Cage put his mansion in Bel-Air up for auction Tuesday in a desperate bid to stay solvent. The movie star is clueless about money. Yesterday he sold his ocean-front apartment for two million dollars and the landlord is just furious at him.

Kitty Kelley released her new biography of Oprah Winfrey on Monday. The author says she knows who Oprah's real father is but she wants Oprah to admit it first. So that's two black leaders in America who won't let anyone see their birth certificates.

KFC introduced a new Double Down sandwich made out of bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. Americans have stopped watching their cholesterol and stopped paying their mortgages. Let the Arabs beware, we're all suicide bombers now.

The White House welcomed Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday. The U.S. is trillions of dollars in debt to Communist China. It's hard to believe that twenty-six years ago Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House for borrowing dresses.

President Obama hosted a forty-six nation nuclear summit Monday. Great Britain, Australia, Israel and Saudi Arabia weren't there. It's like the last game of the NBA season when the coaches pull all the starters so they are rested for the playoffs.

Pope Benedict faced fire from Catholic laity on Sunday for protecting predator priests. It's adding up. If Pope Benedict covers up one more case of child sex abuse, the remaining members of the Jackson family are going to hitch their wagon to his star.

Hillary Clinton said Sunday the U.S. will retaliate with nuclear bombs if anyone attacks the U.S. with biological weapons. She's very attuned to this issue. It was a biological attack on a blue dress that nearly killed off the Clinton Administration.

Ben Roethlisberger dodged charges of sexual assault on Monday the same day his teammate Santonio Holmes was traded after similar charges. What does a Steeler do the moment he sees the woman of his dreams? He wipes the pepper spray out of his eyes.

Justice John Paul Stevens retires from the Supreme Court in May. He's the only Protestant remaining on a court founded to protect what the Founders called their Protestant liberties. Now we're such a vanishing breed we qualify for casino licenses.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-13-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods was in a Nike ad Sunday in which the voice of his late father asks him if he's learned anything. His dad was a womanizer, too. One of Tiger's earliest childhood memories is back when he and his dad used to go fishing together at Hooters.

Augusta National chairman Billy Payne reminded the news media Thursday that the Masters doesn't rely on TV ratings. It doesn't affect the club members one way or another whether Tiger's playing. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

The Washington Redskins welcomed veteran quarterback Donovan McNabb on Tuesday to the team's headquarters in Maryland. His new deal will include a huge bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve the bonus, he hasn't run one bank into the ground.

Virginia's governor apologized Thursday for forgetting to mention slavery when he declared April to be Confederate History Month. Having slaves do all the farm work was inexcusable by today's standards. They had illegal aliens right across the river.

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars that a congressman makes, a hooker makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad remained defiant on Friday in the face of threatened U.S. sanctions. He said the American president is a nuclear-armed cowboy. Since they started censoring the Internet they're always two years behind on the news.

President Obama was chided by Parliament last week for ignoring the U.S.-British Special Relationship. The disdain is mutual. On his first day in office Obama returned a bust of Churchill, then Britain retaliated by shutting off Kenya's water, power and sanitation.

Ryan Air began charging passengers to go to the bathrooms Friday. The airline is based in Ireland. Leave it to the Irish to figure out there's more money to be made from selling beer and charging for restrooms than charging for carry-on bags.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai was accused of having a drug problem on Thursday by U.S. diplomats in Kabul. The signs of a problem are there. He's threatening to abandon the U.S., join up with the Taliban, and leave the cast of Two and a Half Men.

Afghan president Hamad Karzai's behavior alarmed U.S. officials Thursday. He could become the first U.S.-installed Mideast leader to be overthrown since the U.S.-installed Saddam Hussein. The Muppets are the only puppet show that keeps its characters forever.

U.S. troops stationed in the Central Asian republic of Kyrgystan laid low during a coup overthrowing the government. None of the U.S. troops want to be evacuated and flown home. They all have family and friends who got killed in the real estate market.

North Korea said Tuesday Kim Jong Il's plain peasant suit has become a fashion phenomenon. They say their leader has become a fashion icon. Just a year ago people thought he was dying, but if bulimia doesn't kill you it gives you a long career as a supermodel.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu decided not to attend President Obama's nuclear conference held this week in Washington. His instincts are flawless. The Jews haven't survived five thousand years by falling for that We're-Just-Going-to-Talk line.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-11-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued its Nuclear Posture Review Tuesday. It told our enemies that the U.S. won't respond to a biological attack with nukes. From now on if we want to destroy a country, we're just going to send them the White House economic advisers.

Tiger Woods teed off in the Masters Thursday shadowed by ninety armed security guards down every fairway. His playing partners were KJ Choi and Matt Kuchar. It just confirmed reports in the tabloids that he's been involved in threesomes with men.

John Daly set up a shop in an RV parked across from the Augusta National Golf Club entrance Wednesday to sell John Daly merchandise. He can't play this year. Tiger Woods's security guards have instructions not to allow any big-chested blondes on the course.

Senator Tom Coburn was backed up by the Congressional Research Service Tuesday in his claim that the health care bill provides erectile dysfunction pills to child sex offenders. It is an outrage. Doesn't this violate separation of church and state?

Virginia made plans on Tuesday to celebrate Confederate History Month in April to salute our heroes. The Yankees get all the good press, much of it overblown. If Abe Lincoln were really a man of the people he would've sat with them during the play.

The White House indicated Wednesday the U.S. may withdraw Afghan President Hamid Karzai's invitation to Washington. He said he may join the Taliban if the U.S. doesn't stop nagging at him to reform. It's the same threat President Obama makes to his wife every morning.

President Obama removed the phrase Islamic radicalism from the list of threats to America. He only wants Islam mentioned in connection with education, health and science. The president doesn't see the Middle East as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section.

President Obama angered many Thursday when he ordered the White House to stop using the phrase Islamic radicalism. Last year he eliminated the phrase War on Terror and now he's eliminating Islamic radicalism. He wants all government documents to reflect the harsh new reality that the United States is at war with white businessmen.

President Obama signed a treaty with Russia in which he reduced the U.S. nuclear arsenal. He wants to rid the world of all nuclear devices. He deliberately destroyed the microwave in the White House residence by cooking popcorn for twenty-nine minutes.

Spirit Airlines started charging passengers fifty dollars for carry-on luggage Friday. They charge for pillows, they charge for food, they charge for leg room. The stewardesses would charge for sex in the bathrooms but it's only legal over Nevada.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all non-essential city departments to close Friday due to a budget shortfall. The library was the first to go. Anything that feeds the brain which was not grown in South America is considered non-essential in Los Angeles.

Leonardo DiCaprio was reported Friday in talks to portray FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover in a movie directed by Clint Eastwood. It'll be action-packed. This was back in the day when you could be shot for robbing a bank instead of getting a bonus for it.

Alan Greenspan told Congress Wednesday the sub-prime crash was the fault of HUD and Congress who pressured banks to make house loans to people with no credit. The loans were packaged and sold to investors and now taxpayers are on the hook for the money. Bernie Madoff would be a free man today if he'd used the When in Rome defense.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-9-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Duke defeated Butler for the NCAA basketball title Monday as America's favorite elimination tournament ended. It started with sixty-four, then thirty-two, then sixteen, then eight, then four, then two, then one. Tiger always goes home to his wife.

Tiger Woods told reporters he'd been to rehab, suggesting that his days of wild living are over. Now we know why he needs ninety security guards to keep people away from him. Everyone knows he has got a billion dollars and nothing to spend it on.

Calexico was hit hard by Sunday's earthquake in Mexico. The town is famous for cantinas and honky-tonk women. The U.S. stationed the National Guard at the border to keep Bill Clinton and George W. Bush from going down there to supervise the recovery.

L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was voted into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. He gave the sport glamor by seating Jack Nicholson, Charlie Sheen and Robert Downey courtside. It's the only sports arena in America where the nosebleed seats are on the front row.

The GOP National Committee chief of staff resigned after GOP donors were treated to an evening at a bondage club in West Hollywood. A bondage club was a bad idea. While attempting to look cool they just reinforced the party's perceived softness on slavery.

Gordon Brown asked Queen Elizabeth to dissolve Parliament Tuesday and schedule elections in four weeks in Britain. They don't need much time. Candidates don't have to worry about producing birth certificates because everywhere used to be Britain.

The White House changed U.S. nuclear retaliation policy Monday, telling the world that nukes won't be used in response to biological attack. For sixty years no one knew how we'd react. We elected deeply flawed presidents just for the deterrent effect.

President Obama will sign a deal with Russia Monday reducing our capability to wage a nuclear war. It's a reckless idea. We almost got into a nuclear war with the Russians only once but at least we had a president with Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel.

President Obama hosts forty-seven world leaders at the White House Tuesday. He has been shunning U.S. traditional allies. At the last summit Barack Obama only reached out in friendship to Nicaragua's leader, thinking the guy was the president of Nicorette.

President Obama met with African-American church leaders at the White House on Tuesday who demanded a black Supreme Court justice. The president said nothing. Any suggestion that Clarence Thomas is black will get you a big laugh from this crowd.

The Transportation Department fined Toyota sixteen million dollars Tuesday for gas pedal defects. It hasn't affected sales of the Prius. With oil heading for ninety dollars a barrel, Americans would rather drive without brakes than pay four dollars a gallon.

Pope Benedict took on critics in his Easter sermon Sunday for accusing him of covering up priest sex abuse when he was a cardinal. It's a public relations nightmare. If he covers up one more pedophilia charge, he could be named King of Pope.

President Obama regretted wearing a White Sox cap to his interview with ESPN's Rob Dibble at the season opener in Washington. He couldn't come up with one name when Dibble asked him to name his favorite White Sox player. Asking tough questions doesn't feed a single hungry child or provide one uninsured American with health care.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-8-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods will tee it up in the Masters Thursday after a five-month absence from the PGA Tour to attend to personal problems. He's worked himself back into top shape. Tiger Woods did a marathon over Easter weekend, but it was a Baywatch marathon.

Tiger Woods held a press conference at Augusta Monday. He refused to admit why he was in rehab or why he was snoring on the street after his car wreck. He did deny using performance-enhancing drugs, which had to be a big disappointment to Pfizer.

Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray was confronted by the Jackson family in L.A. court Monday as he was being arraigned for manslaughter. The family was four hundred million in debt before Michael died and now they're billionaires. When Peter Falk was spotted in the courtroom, the entire Jackson family ran for the door.

Mexico was hit by an earthquake Sunday which rocked Baja California. Everybody knows the safety drill. They warn you to stand in a doorway when the ground starts shaking, which explains why no Jehovah's Witness has ever been killed by an earthquake.

Portland women marched topless Monday to protest a ban on breast exposure. The left is in a quandary. They're protesting public nudity laws because they can't bring themselves to admit that President Obama has escalated two wars and bailed out the banks.

Pope Benedict vowed Sunday that the priest sex abuse scandals won't intimidate him. He began life in the Hitler Youth and fought in the German Army. Germans don't think of it as priestly sexual abuse, they think of it as a World War II re-enactment.

President Obama gave an ecumenical Easter message on Sunday. He praised Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and non-believers as the family of man. He was trying to show his tolerance for every religion except the one which builds apartments in East Jerusalem.

President Obama held the annual Easter Egg Roll Monday as hundreds of children rolled eggs with spoons on the South Lawn. Private school students were excluded and only public school students were invited. His own kids needed a fake ID to get in.

House Democrats got a cold reception when they went home for their Easter break after the health care vote. Some were booed, jeered and barraged with cursing. They hadn't heard language like that since Joe Biden called to wish them a happy birthday.

Hawaii lawmakers moved to make it a crime to ask to see President Obama's birth certificate. It's a source of tension in the White House. The difference between President Obama and Bo the Portuguese Water Dog is that at least Bo has papers.

Susan Boyle got her first royalty check after winning Britain's Got Talent. She showed the world that if you've got talent, decency and values, looks don't matter. Beverly Hills plastic surgeons have been offering talent, decency and values implants.

Saddam Hussein's loyalists in Tikrit announced plans to convert the dictator's palaces into tourist hotels. It's pure luxury. Each room contains a case of Johnnie Walker, a package of black hair dye and a cellphone that speed dials your CIA handler.

The Pentagon revealed plans to send NATO troops to capture the Taliban stronghold of Kandahar in Afghanistan. The country sits in a valley surrounded by mountains, allowing cannons to echo like the voice of God. It's what comedians call a great room.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-7-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Mark O'Meara played a practice round with Tiger Woods Sunday at Augusta. After the round he told reporters that Tiger was swinging well. His Blackberry went off five times on the first tee alone and all the calls were from the Las Vegas area code.

Tiger Woods will be protected on the Augusta course Thursday by ninety security guards including former FBI and Secret Service agents. They can't protect him from all trouble. It would be just like some sniper to climb up on a hill and take off her top.

The Adventures of Robin Hood is set for release this summer with Russell Crowe as the famed bandit. There's a lesson in this classic tale that resonates to this day. Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and he only served one term.

Mexico border towns in Baja California were rocked by a seven-point earthquake Sunday that shook up Calexico and Tijuana. The damage to the border economy is still being calculated. All the crack was reduced to powder and it may actually be worth more.

Geneva physicists ignited the Large Hadron proton collider that will replicate the Big Bang Monday. It's exciting, cutting-edge science. They want to learn how the universe came to be, and as soon as they find out they're going to drop it on Iran.

The TSA installed new body scanners in U.S. airports Monday. They use radio waves to show your naked body onscreen. You knew the day the Twin Towers were hit that no one would ever get on a plane again without being screened by the Howard Stern Show.

Pope Benedict gave an Easter sermon preceded by Cardinal Sodano. It's the first time a pope's sermon has ever been preceded by another priest. It's a smart idea for a pope to use an opening act to see if it's a good crowd or if he should call in sick.

President Obama went to church on Easter Sunday at Allen Chapel AME Church in a dangerous neighborhood of Washington D.C. It's understandable. After a year of fighting the health care battle, he needs to hear bullets whizzing past his head to feel alive.

The U.S. Transportation Department fined Toyota sixteen million dollars for safety violations Monday. The government is enraged that people are still buying Toyotas despite congressional hearings, civil fines, recalls and lawsuits. This consumer boycott of U.S. government products is killing the post office and General Motors at the same time.

Sarah Palin hosted a Fox News show Thursday called Real American Stories about people who overcame adversity. The show proudly advertises itself as a tribute to real Americans. This carping about the president's birth certificate just never ends.

The Republican National Committee fired a staffer who took GOP donors to a West Hollywood bondage club last week. They went to see women being bound onstage and whipped and humiliated. The Republican Party never strays far from its Puritan roots.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai threatened to join the Taliban on Monday if the U.S. government continues nagging him to reform. What a reckless statement. We don't have to tell the U.N. that he has weapons of mass destruction, we're already there.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy got a warm welcome in Washington and New York last week. Americans tend to be contemptuous of France. We cleaned up after France in Vietnam, Haiti, Lebanon and World War II, and nobody jokes about you like the maid.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-6-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods plays in the Masters this week hoping to put his sex scandal behind him. It's been great for his home city. Womanizers and comedians come to Orlando from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly agreed Thursday to play the FBI founding Director J. Edgar Hoover in a movie. The actor is already researching the role. To get the mannerisms right he spent two days walking in high heels and wiretapping the Kennedys.

President Obama seized the student loan industry from a bank consortium called Sallie Mae. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in conservatorship and Sallie Mae's been nationalized. Sandra Bullock is suing all three of them for breaking up her marriage.

The San Francisco Giants honored Barry Bonds at the home opener Monday. His records will always be suspect. He has never admitted to taking steroids, but for the last four years of his career his baseball card picture was taken by Google Earth.

The New York Yankees played the Red Sox at Fenway Park Sunday and the game was broadcast live in China. The Chinese find the game exciting and suspenseful. They just assume that any ballplayer who argues with the umpire is taken out and shot.

The Vatican exorcist accused the New York Times Friday of doing the Devil's work. The paper is detailing decades-old priest sex abuse in Germany, Austria and Poland. The New York Times issued its standard reply that the crisis hits African-Americans the hardest.

Dan Quayle's son Ben Quayle announced in Phoenix Thursday that he will run for Congress. The timing was no accident. As a tip that the Quayle family will continue to remain comedian-friendly he made the announcement on April Fools Day.

The New York Auto Show opened Friday starring a new Mercedes-Benz that's six hundred horsepower and goes two hundred miles an hour. You can't buy it without a license to race internationally. If you don't have a racing license, there's always the Camry.

The White House said President Obama filled out his census form Thursday. It was the usual ugly scene. When he got to the question asking him to state his race, he accused the census form of doubting his legitimacy and called it a Tea Party trick.

President Obama flew to Maine Thursday and gave a speech to a packed auditorium in Portland extolling the eventual benefits of his health care reform bill. He had no trouble drawing a full house. The sign outside on the marquee said Now Hiring.

Senator John McCain demanded Thursday that the National Guard be dispatched to the Arizona-Mexico border. It's a fact that the U.S. is being invaded by a country that exports crude oil, cocaine and marijuana. We had more resistence to the Macarena.

Sarah Palin's Real American Stories debuted on Fox News Thursday with profiles of Toby Keith and Jack Welch. It hit a snag. Fox News pulled the segment on LL Cool J when the FTC pointed out that his name alone is two cigarette commercials.

Jeb Bush began giving political interviews Thursday, spurring rumors he may run for president. The talk radio crowd was overjoyed to see him. Conservatives are like alcoholics in their persistent delusion that the next Bush will turn out differently.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-4-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Easter Sunday, and how's everybody?

Vanity Fair's new issue Friday blames Tiger Woods' downfall on his hanging out with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan in Las Vegas. One's a drinker, one's a gambler and one's an adulterer. The Las Vegas City Council repealed three of the Ten Commandments because free rooms weren't enough to attract their blackjack business.

The Tea Party announced plans to hold taxpayer revolt rallies on Tax Day. They have to be on their guard against infiltration. It'd be just like the media to plant a black comedian or a rap star in the crowd just so they could get the N-word on tape.

Ricky Martin confirmed rumors Monday and admitted he's gay. He sang at the GOP convention six years ago and danced onstage with Laura Bush and President Bush. And all this time everybody thought it was Condoleezza Rice who broke up that marriage.

Pop singer Erykah Badu stripped nude at JFK's assassination site while shooting a video. It's amazing. If you think Barack Obama has charisma, remember Jack Kennedy has been dead forty-seven years and women are still taking off their clothes for him.

Code Pink's Jodie Evans heckled Karl Rove at his book signing in Beverly Hills Tuesday and placed him under citizen's arrest. He seemed confused as she approached him wielding the handcuffs. The GOP bondage club is four miles away in West Hollywood.

Sandra Bullock was confronted with photos of her husband Jesse James posing as Adolf Hitler in a German army cap and giving the Nazi salute. Now he's done it. Prince Harry posed for a photo like this six years ago at a Halloween party and he had to go to Afghanistan and machine-gun Muslims to prove that he is not anti-Semitic.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Wednesday U.S. troops are making progress in Afghanistan. Just last week U.S. forces captured the Taliban's number-two leader. That sounds like a big deal until you realize that Joe Biden is our number-two leader.

President Obama issued a directive allowing oil drilling on the Atlantic Coast and the Gulf of Mexico Wednesday. There's an explanation. President Obama went to Afghanistan last week and gave President Bush's speech and he is still channeling him.

President Obama decided to allow offshore oil drilling off ten Southern states Wednesday. Big mistake. Now when the South secedes over health care it's going to take the U.S. oil supply with it and once again America will be dependent on foreign oil.

President Obama angered environmentalists Wednesday by allowing new offshore oil drilling. He made the announcement at Andrews Air Force Base. he had to go to a military base to make sure he had enough security to protect him from the Sierra Club.

President Obama urged U.S. companies Thursday to give employees more flexibility in the workplace. He's referring to work hours. Back when President Clinton wanted more flexibility in the workplace he enrolled the White House interns in yoga classes.

John McCain called for tougher security on the Mexico border Tuesday. He's now for halting illegal immigration when he once favored reform. Six months before an election you can power the entire state just on the wind generated from flip-flopping.

Mississippi teen Constance McMillen got her school prom canceled by demanding that she and her lesbian girlfriend attend as a couple. The school can't discriminate so they canceled the prom, which incited citizen fury. It seems like every twenty years the next big social breakthrough is ushered in by the Mississippi National Guard.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-2-10

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods agreed to face reporters in Augusta before the Masters begins next week. He admitted he's got a lot of work to do in his marriage. In a related story, Ricky Martin ended years of rumor and speculation by admitting that he's Puerto Rican.

Toyota owners considered filing a class-action suit against Toyota for damaging the resale value of their cars. Nobody can sell these things. Toyota announced they are temporarily stopping production because it's the one thing at Toyota they could stop.

L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt met in L.A. divorce court Monday. It's bitter. At last year's home opener, Frank McCourt misunderstood when the stadium announcer asked him to throw out the first pitch and he threw his wife to the catcher.

Sam Bradford displayed his newly-repaired arm at his NFL workout on Monday. He threw the ball so well it cemented him as the first pick. His shoulder surgery was so successful it will go down in medical history as private health care's Last Hurrah.

L.A. Fitness gyms dropped Fox News Monday from the cable channels customers can watch while they're working out. They were losing business. The women on Fox News are so beautiful it made customers think they could get thin just by thinking Reagan thoughts.

Real American Stories hosted by Sarah Palin will premiere on Fox News Channel this week. She's really trying to prove herself. After fourteen years on the air, the Fox News channel has broken the color barrier by putting a brunette in the lineup.

The Republican National Committee ran up a two thousand dollar bill at a West Hollywood bondage club. The money was used for alcohol, not sex. Republicans live by a moral code which says that the tree of liberty is watered with super-premium vodkas.

President Obama met French President Sarkozy at the White House Tuesday. We're rapidly turning into France. It seemed a lot more American when Dick Cheney used to welcome Somali pirates to the White House and give them merit badges in capitalism.

House Democrats demanded documents and e-mails from CEOs who oppose health care reform. It's an illegal search and a breach of privacy. Democrats offer you sexual freedom for the rest of your freedoms but so far only California and New York have taken the deal.

President Obama called the Tea Party a core of people who doubt his legitimacy and his citizenship Tuesday. This is hilarious. Is there anything sillier than a bunch of Confederates accusing a foreigner of not belonging to this country?

Al-Qaeda recruited female suicide bombers for Monday's Moscow bombing. They're easier to recruit now. The mullahs stopped promising that seventy-two male virgins will greet them in Paradise and started promising them seventy-two pairs of new shoes.

Pope Benedict's lawyers revealed their strategy to fight a lawsuit in Kentucky over priest sex scandals. The plaintiffs plan to question the pope under oath. What everybody wants to know is how Dog the Bounty Hunter got past the Vatican Guards.

President Obama urged China to join the U.S. calling for sanctions on Iran. It's over Iran's nukes. After a long year, President Obama finally found common ground with Iran's government but unfortunately it was on the issue of Israel's right to exist.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-1-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods announced Wednesday he will meet with the press next Monday before the Masters begins. At long last a brunette has surfaced. Late last night Sandra Bullock stopped by his home in Florida and asked Elin if she can borrow her nine iron.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he'll meet soon with Pittsurgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger. He's twice been accused by women of rape while bar-hopping. He's a valuable league commodity and when a guy that big tries to hop, he could break an ankle.

Californians collected enough signatures for a vote in November on whether to legalize marijuana, even though it's still a crime under federal law. States' rights could catch on out here. We already have separate drinking fountains for extras on film sets.

The National Drug Threat Assessment reported Friday that Mexico doubled heroin production last year. Mexican gangs distribute heroin, methamphetamine and oxycontin in the U.S. Our nation's next alcohol awareness program should emphasize how good it is.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt's wife Jamie sought one million dollars a month in spousal support Monday. It's all ego. She says she has seven mortgages to pay, and if she can steal home seven times she'll tie Jackie Robinson's season record.

The Labor Department reported the unemployment rate held steady Monday despite corporate job cuts. Even show business is downsizing. Last weekend a Sixties rock show in Los Angeles featured the Jackson Four, Two Dog Night, and a Righteous Brother.

Moody's warned Monday America's AAA bond rating could be downgraded a notch if the deficit isn't reduced. It was inevitable. The way Congress spends money like drunken sailors it was just a matter of time before the Treasury bonds ended up in AA.

House Democrats reported hostile receptions when they went home for the Easter break and heard voter anger over government spending. The rock-throwing has nothing to do with health care reform. When the Major League minimum salary is four hundred thousand dollars per year, everybody with a mortgage is showcasing for the scouts this spring.

Sarah Palin spoke Saturday in Nevada at a Tea Party rally against Senator Harry Reid's re-election. The crowd arrived by bus in his hometown of Searchlight. Democrats shouted racial epithets at a bus full of Tea Partyers, if Golfers can be considered a racial epithet.

Earth Hour prompted Americans to turn out their lights for an hour on Saturday to point out global warming. If you don't believe in global warming you didn't have to turn out any lights. A satellite view of the United States looked like the Las Vegas Strip.

San Diego police rounded up dozens of wild horses from Mexico Tuesday who were stampeding down the highway after crossing over from Mexico. It was the same old story. They came into the country on student visas and now we can't get them to leave.

White House social secretary Desiree Rogers quit Friday three months after her state dinner screw-up. An Iranian-American and his blonde wife crashed the state dinner for India. The worst thing is, when they arrived President Obama bowed to them.

The Real Face of Jesus on the History Channel featured a scientist using blood from the Shroud of Turin to project what Jesus Christ looked like. There's a surprise at the end. There was another mix-up in the DNA lab and he looks just like O.J. Simpson.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio