Argus Hamilton's column for 2-28-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Japan's media accused the U.S. Congress of unfairly bashing Toyota executives on Wednesday. Overall Japan broke even for the day. They kill a lot of people on U.S. roads by making Toyotas but they save a lot of lives at SeaWorld by harpooning whales.

Toyota's president Akio Toyoda was subjected to a brutal grilling by Democrats in Congress Wednesday. His composure was remarkable. He did very well considering this was the first time he ever appeared before the board of a rival car manufacturer.

Toyota officials told Congress they are working to fix the sticky accelerators and brake problems. They knew about the problem in Japan and they fixed it, they knew about the problem in Europe and they fixed it. An American car won't admit it has a problem until somebody hits it with a golf club and it starts to lose endorsements.

SeaWorld in Orlando shut down on Wednesday after a killer whale leaped out of the water and killed the trainer as the audience watched in horror. These things happen in show business. Nobody ever paid a nickel to watch Casper the Friendly Whale.

ABC News president David Westin announced the firing of three hundred ABC News employees. He said the remaining eight hundred news staffers will have to multi-task now. Diane Sawyer will read the evening news and make coffee for the executives.

The White House began planning to set up a headquarters in Chicago for the campaign to re-elect President Obama. That's news. Last week he told ABC News he'd rather be a good one-term president than a mediocre two-term president but apparently he's changed his mind.

Superman's debut in Action Comics drew a million-dollar bid on Monday. It came out seventy-two years ago. Today parents have to explain to kids what a phone booth is and kids explain to parents why a flying man in tights isn't interested in Lois Lane.

Archaeology Today reported the discovery of an ancient wall in Jerusalem built by King Solomon. He was hugely popular. King Solomon had hundreds of mistresses and wives but he got away with it because he never told his sponsors he was monogamous.

Charlie Sheen checked into rehab Thursday with four episodes of Two and a Half Men still left to shoot for CBS this season. The actor has an ironclad deal regarding his production schedule. If shooting goes a minute overtime he gets paid time and a fifth.

Tiger Woods checked into a new clinic in Arizona Monday. He went to a rehab in Mississippi to treat his sex addiction, then to Arizona to deal with his prescription drug use. After that he goes to New York City where his next apology opens off-Broadway.

The White House backed a bill Friday giving ethnic Hawaiians a share of public lands if they can prove their pure Hawaiian blood. It's crazy. Why on earth would President Obama back a bill that forces every Hawaiian to produce a birth certificate?

Ole Miss got rid of Mississippi's Rebels nickname Tuesday after they'd replaced the Plantation Owner mascot. Not all the Confederacy's ideas turned out to be bad. Here in the middle of a swine flu epidemic everyone wants their own drinking fountain.

The White House invited Republicans to a health care summit Thursday even though Democrats plan to use a fifty-one-vote reconciliation process called the nuclear option to pass reform without them. It won't end there. If Democrats think reconciliation is the nuclear option just wait until South Carolina explains nullification to them.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-26-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The White House was accused of bashing Toyota Monday because the U.S. government owns GM. This could all work out. If we can just get Japan mad enough at us to attack Pearl Harbor, it could pull us out of the Great Depression for the second time.

Toyota executives were dragged over the coals by the House Oversight Committee in Congress Wednesday. They were forced to answer questions about over-acceleration and brake failures. All the executives agreed to go to sex rehab and try to do better.

John Daly signed to do commercials for Slix Closer boxer short men's underwear Monday. He didn't only make money on the endorsement. He also won a bet that there is at least one white, blonde, big-chested underwear model that Tiger Woods won't date.

Winter Olympics officials were petitioned Tuesday to make pole dancing a sport in the next Winter Games. It would be pretty boring to watch. The judges would be required to sit at least six feet away and never give the competitors more than a ten.

Senator Jim Inhofe demanded Al Gore be called before Congress for perpetrating a global warming hoax on the country. He'll never apologize. Al Gore can always argue the U.S. Supreme Court robbed him of the presidency and the country had it coming.

President Obama dropped the tax on botox shots from Monday's health care proposal but he kept the tax on tanning booths. They both run up health care costs. Tanning booth rays cause skin cancer and botox could cause young men to die from cougar bites.

San Franciscans debated a bill to rename Mount Diablo after Ronald Reagan. The bill was rejected Tuesday. The devil's victory over Ronald Reagan in San Francisco reversed the recent string of liberal losses and gives the Democrats hope for November.

President Obama campaigned for Democrats in Nevada Friday. He told a town hall that it's up to Democrats in America to keep hope alive. This kind of mush doesn't appeal to Republicans, they have enough trouble just keeping Dick Cheney alive.

Dick Cheney rested comfortably Monday after he survived a heart scare. Al-Qaeda hates this guy. He came up with the legal argument that as long as terrorists are being held on Fidel Castro's island, everything's legal under the When in Rome defense.

The White House revealed Monday that nine of the president's Justice Department appointees once represented detainees in Guantanamo. It just never ends. The Obama administration won't stop until Khalid Sheik Muhammed is tried in front of an L.A. jury.

The Los Angeles Police bomb squad found an unexploded Civil War cannon ball in the Hollywood Hills. You can't make it up. Not five years after the first wave of German immigrants came to America, somebody developed an intercontinental cannon ball.

The Netherlands pulled their soldiers out of Afghanistan Monday, ignoring pleas from the U.S. to stay. It's a curious decision. You would think the Dutch would stay in Afghanistan and destroy the poppy crops, if just to protect Heineken's market share.

Vancouver residents got rave reviews for their Olympic hospitality. They love to give directions. They say if you see the mountains you're facing north, if you see the ocean you're facing west, if your car just got stolen you're in Surrey to the east, and if you see people without health care waving handguns, you're in the States.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-25-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama's job approval rating sank to forty-five percent on Monday. He has had bad luck lately. Tiger Woods' apology looked so much like a presidential news conference that people with bad eyesight just assumed that Obama is in sex rehab.

Tiger Woods announced Friday that he's committed himself to Buddhism to aid in his recovery. His commitment to Calvinist self-denial wasn't working out so well. Calvinism teaches if you can't be a good example you can always be a horrible warning.

Tiger Woods was retained by Nike Saturday to endorse Nike golf balls. He's had no offers to endorse SUVs. The difference between Tiger Woods' golf ball and his SUV is that he can drive his golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.

The White House refused to rule out ramming a health care bill though Congress through a fifty-one-vote technique called reconciliation. This is new ground. Until now reconciliation was what politicians worked on after they got caught with a hooker.

President Obama proposed his own version of a health care reform bill Monday and demanded that Congress pass it. Animal rights activists are furious. It wasn't bad enough that Barack Obama fed veal to his dog on the dog's birthday, now he's beating a dead horse.

Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the presidential straw poll at the conservative conference in Washington D.C. on Saturday. He's a gynecologist. Of all the candidates he's the one who's most like Ronald Reagan, only those aren't his feet in the stirrups.

Mitt Romney finished second in the conservative conference straw poll Saturday despite a strong convention speech. He can't seem to shake antiquated suspicions about his Mormon faith. In Utah the only punishment for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

The Dallas Tea Party invited Keith Olbermann to a tea party rally to show he's wrong about their lack of diversity in Dallas. He knows what he saw. Keith couldn't help but notice the one hundred thousand rich white people in the stadium screaming for lower taxes and less government, but who else can afford tickets to Cowboys games?

The FBI began investigating a Pennsylvania school district for handing out two thousand laptops to students with spy cams on them to watch the kids at home. Whose idea was this? Filming teenaged girls could get the school district an Academy Award and exiled to France.

California chain restaurants were forced by a new state law on Monday to begin printing the number of calories next to each item on the menu. It's already hurting business. The next day customers stormed out of the Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills rather than pay twelve hundred and thirty dollars for pie a la mode.

Bill Clinton discussed his impeachment with Fox News on Monday as a new book came out about his duel with Ken Starr over the Monica Lewinsky affair. In hindsight it all worked out for him. If Bill Clinton hadn't prolonged the sex scandal he would have had time to tackle health care reform and it would've ended his presidency.

Al-Qaeda's Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty Monday to plotting to bomb a N.Y. subway with chemicals he purchased in a beauty store. It was a failed terrorist attempt. Peroxide isn't enough if you want to destroy mankind, you need silicone implants, too.

Gettysburg National Battlefield hosted a picnic of gun rights advocates Monday celebrating a new law allowing Americans to carry guns in national parks. There are thirteen secession movements in the United States and now there are guns at Gettysburg. President Obama just announced he'll skip the Ford's Theater gala this year.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-24-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Newt Gingrich was cheered like Rocky Balboa when he walked onstage to speak to conservatives convening in Washington Saturday. What a roar. As he walked to the stage the orchestra played Eye of the Tiger and fifteen mistresses came out of the woodwork.

Tiger Woods received a barrage of bad reviews after his televised apology to the nation for his serial womanizing. The public has seen a lot better. Richard Nixon looked more relaxed when he resigned office and he looked a lot more remorseful.

Hollywood porno star Joslyn James demanded an apology from Tiger Woods Friday and she may demand damages. These women think he's Santa Claus, and he's not. The difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus is that Santa stops after the third ho.

The National Enquirer submitted its reporting on John Edwards to the Pulitzer Prize committee Monday. The submission was accepted. The Pulitzer is the second-highest prize in all journalism just after the Hunter Thompson Award for Outstanding Bar Tabs.

President Obama proposed a health care bill Monday. It adds taxes, which angers conservatives, and it has no public option, which enrages liberals. One thing we've learned is that you can't survive having problems with your accelerator and brakes simultaneously.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda changed his mind Friday and agreed to testify in Congress about Toyota's safety before the House Oversight Committee. He spent all last week preparing to testify. He can now hold his breath underwater for two minutes.

Ron Paul won a presidential poll at the conservative conference in Washington last week thanks to the youth vote. He's got college kids believing in liberty, low taxes, and small government. Liberal professors are alarmed and calling for a crackdown on binge thinking on campus.

Harry Reid argued for his jobs bill on the Senate floor Monday, saying men tend to become abusive toward women when they're out of work. That's totally ridiculous. O.J. drew a steady paycheck from his first semester at USC until the day he was arrested.

USC testified to the NCAA Friday about a house provided for Reggie Bush's family and cash he got in college. No one will ever find any written evidence of the house lease or cash payments. They are hidden under an encyclopedia at the Kardashian house.

Hooters was reported shopping on Wall Street for someone to buy the four hundred restaurants. Feminists find the waitress outfits at Hooters to be demeaning. Whenever a woman applies to be a waitress, they hand her a C-cup bra and tell her to fill this out.

Bill Clinton went on Fox News Monday to warn that dysentery could break out in Haiti due to a lack of bathrooms and plumbing. He's been asked to help upgrade their sanitation. Who better to set up outhouses than the former governor of Arkansas.

Al-Qaeda's Najibullah Zazi told a N.Y. court Monday he was recruited in Pakistan by al-Qaeda ten years ago to bomb New York subways. It required explosives then. This was years before you could crash any train by flirting with the engineer via text message.

ACORN dissolved itself as a national organization Monday, instructing state and local chapters to set up independently under new names. They couldn't get away with that in Hollywood. Screen Actors Guild rules would never allow someone like Heidi Fleiss to simply change her name to Shirley Jones hoping that the feds lose interest.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-23-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Texas U.S. Congressman Charlie Wilson was fondly eulogized as a ladies man after he died last week. He always said if he's ever caught with his pants down he won't blame booze and he won't suddenly find Jesus. They don't make golfers like that anymore.

Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Friday, vowing he will embrace Buddhism to aid in his recovery. The staged event was so narcissistic and self-centered it may have backfired. Buddha severed his endorsement deal with Tiger Woods the next day.

The PGA headquarters in Florida hosted Tiger Woods' televised apology to his trusted friends on Friday. He issued his declaration and refused to take questions. The question is, if Tiger Woods' mother is from Thailand, how did he become North Korean?

Spike TV announced Friday it will air a sitcom about a golf pro whose sidekick is an Hispanic caddie named Tiger who's a sex addict. There isn't really going to be a TV show. It's just that producers will look for any excuse to audition porn stars.

Hollywood porn star Joslyn James demanded a personal apology from Tiger Woods Friday in a nationally televised press conference from Los Angeles. Her attorney said this isn't about money. She's just publicizing her new movie, Debbie Does Augusta.

Dick Cheney brought down the house with his speech Tuesday to the conservative conference in Washington D.C. It let him release a lot of frustration. He's watched every Olympic event this past week and he has yet to see them snowboard one terrorist.

NBC's Winter Olympics upset American Idol in the ratings Tuesday, drawing thirty million viewers. Curling is a surprise hit. People always like to see something they never saw before and nobody under forty has ever seen a white person use a broom.

Vancouver organizers distributed one hundred thousand condoms for athletes and coaches in the Olympic Village this week. It's just wrong. The Westminster Kennel Club could tell them that they're missing a great opportunity to breed their champions.

Michelle Obama promoted her healthy foods initiative on Saturday in a Fox News interview with Mike Huckabee. She said she and the president like to play the board game Sorry with their daughters. They can't play Monopoly because it upsets the unions.

President Obama joked in Las Vegas Friday that he cut the deficit in half last night at poker by drawing a flush on the river. It fell flat. The environmentalists heard that he was flushing on the river and now he is in trouble with the Sierra Club.

The UN's nuclear watchdog agency warned Thursday that Iran is likely working on a nuclear missile. They're safe from attack. Iran's mullahs conduct a nationwide census every five years to find out exactly how many human shields live in the country.

The Pentagon is investigating if Arabic translators in the Army tried to poison the food supply at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. They thought they could poison Southern cooking. The terrorists gave up when they discovered there was no poison known to man that can survive that much animal fat or those fryer temperatures.

South Carolina state representative Mike Pitts moved to take the state off the dollar and place state currency on the gold standard. He points out the state's sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment permits the move. At the rate things are going President Obama's next bipartisan panel will be half-Union and half-Confederacy.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-21-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued food and diet guidelines for America's schools Thursday aimed at producing healthier kids. Nutrition programs can be fun. It's an article of faith among college students that breakfast is the most important drink of the day.

Tiger Woods held a press briefing Friday to discuss his sexual recovery program. The game itself will help him get well. Golf is the only sport that allows you to spend all afternoon with three hookers without losing your wife and your house.

Ken Starr left Pepperdine to be the president of Baylor Monday. He nailed Bill Clinton for adultery and he stopped gay marriage in California. He chose Baylor because Saudi law doesn't permit foreigners to be Minister for the Prevention of Vice.

Jack Kennedy's love letters to Swedish mistress Gunilla von Post were auctioned Monday. They met during his honeymoon with Jackie. Fifty percent of Americans rank Jack Kennedy as America's greatest president but ninety percent rate him Best in Show.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman refused to greet President Obama Friday. They're natural competitors. The federal government and Las Vegas both take your money, the difference is Las Vegas will bring you a complimentary cocktail while they're taking it.

Dick Cheney called Barack Obama a one-term president Thursday in his speech to conservatives. He's right on time. If Dick Cheney doesn't overthrow a government every ten years, the Wicked Witch of the West kicks him off the flying monkey team.

Mitt Romney give a stem-winding speech ripping President Obama Thursday to the conservative conference in Washington. He has presidential front-runner written all over him. He looks like a game show host, he sounds like a televangelist and Big Love has been on HBO long enough for people to get comfortable with his religious beliefs.

Elton John gave a controversial interview to Parade magazine Sunday concerning Christian history. He said he thinks Jesus was a gay man. If Leonardo da Vinci had painted just one stripper at the Last Supper these kind of rumors wouldn't get started.

Texan Joseph Stack flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin Thursday. It's a threat to our national security. Every fifteen years a white guy snaps in the Southwest and gives young Muslim men at the airport a couple of weeks of low scrutiny.

Al-Qaeda was reportedly recruiting English-speaking terrorists Monday to carry out attacks in the U.S. The competition is gaining on them. After al-Qaeda ran up a big early lead in Americans killed, Toyota has responded with thirty-four unanswered points.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service launched a search-and-destroy mission Tuesday to eliminate the invasive Asian carp in Lake Michigan. Environmentalists are monitoring closely. It's against the law in Michigan to disturb a union burial ground.

UC San Diego students threw a party that parodied Black History Month called the Compton Cookout, which served fried chicken and watermelon and asked women to wear cheap clothes and start fights. Was anyone really insulted? There are so few blacks in San Diego they had to name it after an L.A. town in order to offend anybody.

President Obama appointed a bipartisan commission headed by Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson to recommend ways to reduce the national debt. They'll either recommend higher taxes or spending cuts, but Republicans won't raise taxes and Democrats won't cut spending. The only thing that can save us now is a bookkeeping error.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported that the third snowstorm in two weeks buried the South and Eastern Seaboard Monday. For hundreds of miles, snow banks along roads are piled five feet high. The good news is that Priuses won't even need brakes until the spring.

France issued a warrant for the arrest of U.S. cyclist and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis for lying to French doping officials. He's Amish. They thought he might be doing steroids when he stopped three times during the race to raise a barn and still won.

President Obama told reporters Tuesday he's doing the best he can to deal with the deficit left by President Bush. It's worth a try. Last night a comedian who impersonates Obama had a bad set at the Comedy Store and he blamed it on Will Ferrell.

Hollywood raunchy film director Kevin Smith was pulled off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff Sunday for being too fat. He gets no respect on a plane. Last year three United passengers walked out on one of his movies halfway over Kansas.

Al-Qaeda in Yemen was reported to be recruiting English-speaking terrorists to carry out attacks in the U.S. on Monday. They'll pay big bucks to anyone who's bland and doesn't attract attention. Could this be the job Evan Bayh left the Senate to take?

Senator Evan Bayh announced Monday he's leaving the Senate this fall. Democrats fear he'll mount a presidential primary challenge. Evan Bayh won't say if his next stop is Iowa but he did mention that his favorite character on I Love Lucy is Ethanol.

Senator Bayh's pullout from the fall race ignited a speculative frenzy Tuesday over who will run in Indiana to replace him in the U.S. Senate. Everybody noteworthy in the state of Indiana was asked if they will run. Peyton Manning said he will pass.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held in New York's Madison Square Garden this week. The standards were higher than ever in this year's competition. Two Lhasa Apsos were eliminated when they were found to have a credit score under seven hundred.

President Obama appointed White House lawyer Rashad Hussain to be the U.S. envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference Monday. It had to be a Muslim. Anglo-Saxons won't attend any conference that doesn't include a golf tournament with prizes.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Thursday Iran has enriched enough uranium to manufacture a nuclear weapon. This anger gets him nowhere. Last week he dared the U.S. military to bomb him in his home and now his kids can't get any playdates.

Hillary Clinton was King Abdullah's guest for lunch in Saudi Arabia Monday. As a gesture of informality the king turned on sports news on a big screen TV during their meeting. It's how heads of state endure Hillary when they don't have an intern program.

Bill Clinton's arch-nemesis Ken Starr left the Pepperdine Law School in Malibu Monday to become the president of Baylor. It's for political reasons. In Malibu people think Kenneth Starr is Satan but in Texas he's the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

U.S. Marines and British armor pushed into the southern Afghan town of Marjah on Monday. It's the financial and marketing center of the poppy and opium trade. On orders from the White House all thriving sectors of the global economy must be crushed.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Winter Olympics opening ceremony had a major technical problem Friday. The hydraulics malfunctioned and part of the Olympic cauldron failed to lift, ruining a solemn moment. The next day Toyota announced a recall of seventy thousand Cauldrons.

Saudi Arabia banned Valentine's Day Sunday, calling it a pagan holiday. Flowers, candy, and anything red were seized by Saudi government agents. Whenever oil dips below eighty dollars a barrel and candy stays high, these guys suddenly get religion.

The Weather Channel reported snowstorms across the South Friday, leaving record snowfall in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina and Georgia. The Deep South was covered in white. The Justice Department is investigating.

Mattel allowed people to vote for a career for the Barbie doll Tuesday and the overwhelming choice was news anchor. The blonde doll was introduced fifty years ago. That makes her twenty years too old for Fox News and ten years too young for CNN.

Alec Baldwin accused ex-wife Kim Basinger of egging on their daughter to phone paramedics on him to embarrass him before he hosts the Oscars. Kim Basinger will be at the Oscars, likely in the balcony. The restraining order says six hundred yards.

NATO launched an offensive against the Taliban in Afghanistan Friday. It's all very organized. The U.S. is in charge of ground and air, Britain's in charge of the tank forces, Germany's in charge of artillery and France is in charge of refreshments.

The White House invited Republicans to the president's health care summit next week. Health care reform is losing support among Democratic lawmakers. After weeks of consideration, the only thing they can agree on insuring is their own re-election.

President Obama told the country Saturday that he signed the Pay As You Go law to help reduce the deficit. He said responsible spending one of our country's bedrock values. That's another way of saying GM's new hybrid car is powered by your feet.

ABC News released a poll Saturday saying three-quarters of the American people now support the idea of openly gay people serving in the military. It's not that big an issue. When you think about it, how many Episcopal bishops are young enough to serve?

The Air Force destroyed a missile with an energy laser beam for the first time Friday. It's a tribute to our diversity. While everyone else's Germans are winning medals at Vancouver in the interest of world peace, our Germans are reverting to type.

American Airlines began charging passengers eight dollars for blankets. They're not trying to make a profit. They're just trying to recoup the cost of cleaning the blanket every time an underwear bomber tries to set off an explosion underneath one.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held this week at New York's Madison Square Garden. There was a lot less sympathy in the crowd this year for pouffed-up, pampered dogs that live on steak. Many of these dogs moved into doghouses they knew they couldn't afford and brought down the whole market when they couldn't pay the mortgage.

The Congressional Black Caucus was reported to be influence-peddling through its non-profit foundation, which is supposed to help black kids. Last year the Caucus spent more money on the caterer for one event than they did on scholarships all year. They've given up telling us Cleopatra was black and now they're saying it was Marie Antoinette.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-17-10

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported snow on the ground in forty-nine states Friday for the first time ever. It's a winter nobody will forget. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his book on global warming and now it's up for the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction.

Fox NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson signed Tuesday to be the TV commercial spokesman for a male enhancement pill. He's seventy. Ponce de Leon could have avoided the long trip to Florida if he'd known the secret to eternal youth is arrested development.

Bill Clinton returned home Friday after he underwent a stent procedure to open his arteries hours after he felt chest discomfort. His doctor said it wasn't a result of his lifestyle. Jealous husbands don't have the means to clog your arteries.

Donald Trump revealed Friday he may bid for the construction contract to build and own the new World Trade Center. This is bad news for al-Qaeda. Any airliner would have to hit the building pretty low or it would never make it through the hair.

Maryland grocery stores reported food shortages Friday because delivery trucks were snowbound. The campaign against childhood obesity is off to a roaring start. The kids in Maryland are just trying to hang on until the Care packages arrive from Haiti.

A judge in Haiti recommended releasing ten Idaho Baptists jailed for transporting Haitian kids. They need to wrap this up. If this becomes a confrontation between Baptists and the practitioners of Voodoo, nobody's going to watch the Winter Olympics.

ATF agents launched a manhunt Friday for three people suspected of burning ten churches. The federal agents know just one thing. The churches that were burned are all mainline Protestant churches, so the president was never in any danger.

President Obama blamed the Bush administration for the deficit Thursday. He also blamed them for unemployment and recession. Last night in Washington D.C. President Obama stood up at a recovery meeting and admitted that George W. Bush is an alcoholic.

The Pentagon conducted a test last week and shot a missile out of the sky with a laser beam for the first time in history. So much for the Russians and China. Now if we can just develop the nerve to profile Muslims at the airport we're finally safe.

The Washington Post reported Friday that Khalid Sheik Muhammed may be tried by a military court after all instead of getting a criminal trial in New York. New Yorkers angrily oppose a trial in Manhattan. If the president wants to be reelected he can't afford to lose New York, not after he lost California by insulting our Toyotas.

The GOP establishment will unveil the Mount Vernon Statement at a conservative conference in Washington today. This is a statement of principle written by the old-line party graybeards. They called it the Mt. Vernon statement so the Tea Party activists will support it thinking it's named after Elvis Presley's father.

Dan Quayle announced on Fox News Friday that his son will run for U.S. Congress from Arizona. This is proof beyond doubt that God watches out for comedians. On the same day that Teddy Kennedy's son gets out of politics, Dan Quayle's son gets in.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island announced he's leaving Congress at age forty-two after sixteen years on Capitol Hill. He's the last Kennedy in public office. His grandpa Joe Kennedy was so rich he financed his son Jack's campaign for president because the race track wouldn't take a bet large enough to interest him.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-16-10

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboys Stadium will host next year's Super Bowl on Ronald Reagan's one hundredth birthday. Texans will be going wild. The frenzy of worship could be so intense it may trigger the rapture and the stadium could be empty for the second half.

New Orleans cops warned women not to flash their breasts on the streets of the French Quarter in Mardi Gras parades tonight. It's a health issue. Bill Clinton's recuperating and everybody's pitching in to keep him away from Girls Gone Wild videos.

Bill Clinton went to the hospital in New York Thursday where he had two stents put in his arteries. He's reportedly in excellent spirits, although it was touch-and-go there for a minute. Two hours after the procedure he took a turn for the nurse.

The Winter Olympics began Friday with a spectacular opening ceremony in Vancouver. It's been so unseasonably warm, the city's cherry blossoms are in bloom. It's just NBC's luck to be showing the Winter Games in the one place on earth where Al Gore's got an argument.

The U.S. Olympic delegation in Vancouver Wednesday saluted the U.S. Olympic hockey team that beat the Soviet Union thirty years ago in the much-fabled Miracle on Ice. It only causes a stir in Americans. To Canadians, a Miracle on Ice is a chilled Molson.

Haiti made plans to free the ten Idaho Baptists who were jailed for transporting a dozen kids out of Haiti on a bus. They were taking them to Idaho. People in the Mountain West really have to reach to obey court orders to desegregate their schools.

President Obama startled the markets Wednesday in his interview with Bloomberg News. He said he's agnostic about how government revenues should be increased. Wouldn't you know, he finally joined a church and it's the Church of the Higher Taxes.

Joe Biden went on Larry King's show Wednesday where he took credit for creating a new nation in Iraq. His memory's starting to go. Just four years ago Joe Biden proposed partitioning Iraq into three new countries--Regular, Unleaded, and Unleaded with Techron.

Joe Biden went on CNN Wednesday and blamed the deepening recession on George W. Bush. That's the pattern. The White House wants to rename the San Andreas Fault after George W. Bush so that the next time there's an earthquake it'll be Bush's Fault.

The TSA announced plans Thursday to install one thousand full-body scanners at airports. Muslim groups say the body-revealing technology violates their religious sensitivities. It's not their fault that plastic explosives grow out of their penises.

The White House Council of Economic Advisers met Thursday and predicted that a hundred thousand new jobs a month will be created in the next twelve months. The numbers won't hold up. By July the driveway shoveling jobs will probably be gone.

Senate Republicans demanded that National Security Adviser John Brennan resign his post Wednesday for accusing GOP lawmakers of aiding al-Qaeda. It's not just the Republicans. Every time the Democrats give out another two-thousand-dollar child tax credit, that's another eighty thousand dollars in Osama bin Laden's pocket.

Former Congressman Charlie Wilson of Texas died at seventy-six Wednesday, thirty years after he secretly funded Afghan fighters to defeat the Soviets. He loved to drink, snort coke in hot tubs with his staff, date beauty queens, and kill communists. He was proof that at one time the Republican party knew how to reach across the aisle.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-14-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel showed a second blizzard hitting the Eastern Seaboard last week, closing airports and burying six states in snow. It's record-breaking. Al Gore just broke Bernie Madoff's record as the biggest con artist in American history.

Washington D.C. was patrolled by the National Guard Wednesday after a snow storm buried the city. It could work out. For the rest of the winter they'll be able to balance the budget by selling lift tickets to lobbyists who want to get to the Capitol.

Senator John Kerry vowed Wednesday to pass global warming legislation through the Senate despite the coldest winter in a hundred years. There's certainly no reason to doubt his judgment. This is the man who put John Edwards on the ticket and assigned him to carry the values voters.

New Orleans police warned women visiting the French Quarter at Mardi Gras they will be arrested if they flash their boobs. It's never all that certain they are women. Never pick up a hooker in the French Quarter if she's wearing a Super Bowl ring.

Tiger Woods ended his time at a sex addiction rehab in Mississippi Tuesday and went home. The treatment program is very structured. In one month they taper you off from twelve women to six women to three women to one woman and finally to midgets.

The America's Cup's first day of racing was delayed due to light winds off the coast of Spain Tuesday. This year the competition drew working-class protesters. If the Democrats had their way, all yacht races would begin a mile above Niagara Falls.

President Obama told Business Week Tuesday he doesn't begrudge people's success or wealth, adding it's part of the free market system. Liberals mustn't be alarmed. It is awards season in Hollywood and he's just trying to win a Razzie for worst actor.

Toyota's chairman Akio Toyoda apologized for the Prius with a sixty-degree bow of contrition Tuesday. Last week he bowed forty degrees apologizing for the brakes on the Camry. Next week when he's inside-out you'll know he's apologizing for the Lexus.

President Obama was miffed Thursday that Sarah Palin made fun of him for using a Teleprompter. He's extremely thin-skinned. Secret Service agents are now throwing themselves in front of comedians because they're expected to take a joke for the president.

President Obama met civil rights leaders in the White House on Wednesday. They want extra money in his jobs bill for hard-hit black communities. The president told them he fixed the Super Bowl for the Saints and that's as far as he's going to go.

Harvard Law professor Charles Ogletree said it's racist to call President Obama professorial. He said it's a code word for uppity. That's silly, have you ever in your life heard a Ku Klux Klansman or a Southern governor use the word professorial?

Kentucky's GOP Senate contest between Rand Paul and Trey Grayson crystallized Wednesday into a match-up between the Republican establishment and the Tea Party. There are no losers in a Senate race in Kentucky. Win or lose they all go out to stud.

Newt Gingrich told Comedy Central Tuesday the Underwear Bomber should not have been Mirandized. He knows something about this. The last time Republicans had an explosion inside their underwear Newt had to step down as Speaker and marry his intern.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-12-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel forecast another foot of snow in Washington D.C. Monday. The storm last week left three feet on the ground. It's so cold in Washington that White House officials are suffering from a new ailment called middle finger frostbite.

Los Angeles ordered hillside homeowners to evacuate Tuesday as another wave of rainstorms approached. Disaster looms. All week the U.S. Olympic ski team has been in Los Angeles practicing for the downhill by standing on tract houses in the canyons.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday with the opening ceremony in Vancouver. Favorite sports include ski jumping, Alpine skiing, skiing and shooting, and skating. The Winter Games are held every four years to determine which nation has the best Germans.

Toyota recalled four hundred thousand Priuses Tuesday plus thousands of Lexus hybrids. It's suspicious. President Obama must have known about the sticky accelerators and faulty brakes when he said the clean energy revolution's unstoppable.

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton said Tuesday he slept with the Super Bowl Championship trophy in his hotel bed Sunday. He was deliriously happy. Three times during the night the ghost of Vince Lombardi had to tell him to watch his hands.

CBS got complaints about Super Bowl ads Tuesday from activists against elderly abuse. In various ads Betty White, Abe Vigoda, and Tim Tebow's mother were tackled and smashed to the ground. Public resentment over high payroll taxes is growing each week.

USC Coach Lane Kiffin got a verbal pledge Friday from a seventh-grader in Delaware to play for USC in five years. He's only thirteen. It's not clear why the Idaho Baptists are jailed in Haiti and Lane Kiffin's free to walk the streets of Los Angeles.

Baby Boomers were reported Wednesday to be abusing prescription drugs in record numbers, threatening to increase health care costs. It is a statistical anomaly. Last year's numbers were skewed by Michael Jackson's autopsy.

The University of California Davis released a new medical study Monday showing that beer builds strong bones and helps to fight osteoporosis. At last they've figured out the way to get health care reform passed. It's going to be a beer subsidy.

President Obama signed a directive Tuesday launching Michelle Obama's campaign to fight childhood obesity, which she named Let's Move. She's getting a lot of support. Not fifteen minutes after she launched Let's Move, the Tea Party showed up to help her pack.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs blamed President Obama's low poll numbers on the Bush years Tuesday. They blame Iraq on George H.W. Bush, they blame the economy on George W. Bush. Yesterday the president cut his finger and they blamed it on Rose Bush.

Minnesota drivers beheld a billboard Tuesday of a smiling George W. Bush next to the words, Miss Me Yet? It was paid for by people who wish to be anonymous. Ever since George W. Bush started going to recovery meetings he's picked up a whole new group of friends.

The U.S. Senate grilled Homeland Security officials Tuesday on the Christmas Day airline bomber's FBI interrogation. The terrorist talked for fifty minutes, then they Mirandized him, then he clammed up and now he's talking again. Nobody's buying the Justice Department's original position that what happens in Detroit, stays in Detroit.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-11-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts in Sunday's Super Bowl. Polls said the Democrats favored the Saints while Republicans favored the Colts. After the game people just assumed that New Orleans got a fifteen-point bailout at halftime.

President Obama scheduled a summit in Washington this month to try to save his health care bill. He must do something. His job approval numbers are plummeting so fast they are on the scoreboard in Vancouver as the time to beat in the Men's Downhill.

Los Angeles braced for more rains Tuesday after mudslides damaged forty houses last week. There's always an upside. Los Angeles doesn't have an NFL team but if we get any more rain we can probably trick the Saints into thinking this is their home field.

Dr. Conrad Murray was arrested in L.A. Monday for giving Propofol to Michael Jackson. The drug is so powerful that someone can cut you open and you won't even feel it. Normally you cannot administer this drug unless you are a licensed IRS agent.

Sarah Palin spoke to the Tea Party convention Saturday and she slammed Democrats and liberals and the media elite. It made Rich Little call his agent and scream at him. He had no idea that you can still make a hundred thousand dollars a night for Nixon impressions.

Haiti detained ten Idaho Baptists in Port au Prince after they carried away a busload of Haitian kids. They were going to take them back home and raise them in Idaho. The Balloon Boy hoax is now the world's second creepiest attempt to get a reality show.

South Carolina's former first lady Jenny Sanford wrote a book about how adultery wrecked her marriage to Governor Mark Sanford. She gave up so much by divorcing him. Jenny Sanford would've been the first lady of the Confederacy if Obama gets re-elected.

Senate Republicans suggested using tax cuts as the way to get out of recession like Jack Kennedy did. He was a great economist. If tax revenues came within one million dollars of balancing the budget he'd make up the rest out of his dad's pocket.

Men's Health magazine named Fresno the drunkest city in America, followed by Bakersfield and San Bernardino. It makes sense. The three cities were settled by Oklahoma cotton farmers fleeing the Dust Bowl, and they vowed they would never suffer another dry day.

Toyota recalled eight models with sticking accelerators Thursday and a hybrid model with bad brakes. Prius owners are just miserable. Not only did they overpay for a car with computer braking problems, but there's no such thing as global warming.

President Obama told Democrats last week that like it or not, America must have a sound financial system. It wasn't his first choice. He just tasted the vegetables Michelle grew on the South Lawn and no one will trade him any cigarettes for them.

President Obama met with House Democrats to plan yet another push for passage of health care reform. The legislation died on Capitol Hill two weeks ago. The Republicans have an alibi, they were all in Massachusetts campaigning for Scott Brown.

President Obama used the National Prayer Breakfast last week to denounce people who question his faith or his citizenship. It's time we get off the president's back in this area. President Obama watches ball games instead of going to church on Sunday and he's got troops all over the world, the man's as British as the rest of us.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-10-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl beat the ratings of the last episode of M*A*S*H Sunday. It was second to opening night of the Persian Gulf War. The Super Bowl ranks in the history of entertainment just ahead of treating the wounded and just behind bombing the evildoers.

Washington D.C. got a record thirty inches of snowfall Saturday as a huge winter blizzard hit the East. Nothing got done. Everybody was ordered to stay home until Homeland Security had tested all the white powder to see if it was cocaine or anthrax.

Los Angeles mudslides threatened houses Monday after thirty inches of rainfall in two months. We're going tropical. We're ten inches away from coca bush growing putting an end to marijuana growing just as surely as the Seventies ended the Sixties.

Social Security announced Monday it's losing money because people are retiring earlier. It's shameful. If Betty White can get out in the mud and do a Super Bowl commercial at the age of ninety, there's no excuse for anyone to retire at sixty-five.

Sarah Palin ripped Barack Obama in her speech Saturday for using Teleprompters, while she had crib notes written on her hand. Those weren't speech notes. They were left over from when she was trying to get out of college in less than six years.

John Edwards was cited Monday as a reason why the Ten Commandments can't be put in courthouses. You can't post a notice not to steal, lie or commit adultery in a building filled with lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

NBC received complaints Monday when the NBC cafeteria marked Black History Month with fried chicken, collard greens and cornbread. It's a regional thing. If the nation celebrated a month honoring Racist Southern Sheriffs, the menu would be the same.

Forbes said Tiger Woods will make eighty million dollars this year with Electronic Arts and Gillette and Nike. He's perfect for them. No one doubts that he needs running shoes, he knows something about close shaves, and EA's Tiger game is now for adults only.

Kim Jong Il granted the release of two American hikers who wandered into North Korea. He announced it at his birthday parade. The population of North Korea is eighty million--forty million North Koreans and forty million pictures of Kim Jong Il.

Toyota's chairman apologized on camera for the bad Prius brakes Thursday while giving a forty-degree bow. In Japanese culture, a ten-degree bow is an apology for a small slight, a forty-degree bow is an apology for brakes that don't work, and a ninety-degree bow means that Barack Obama is in town meeting with the emperor again.

President Obama praised a U.S. Navy corpsman in Haiti Thursday but he repeatedly mispronounced the word corpsman. Instead of pronouncing it core-man he kept saying corpse-man. He did get a nice note from Larry King, who thanked him for the free plug.

President Obama said Monday he'll visit Indonesia next month. Their president faces daily protests from demonstrators who call him a big stupid water buffalo. President Obama wants some tips about how he can get his own popularity up that high.

CNBC business host Lawrence Kudlow was urged by New York Republicans Monday to run against Chuck Schumer for Senate. Kudlow is a recovering abuser of cocaine and alcohol who abandoned his Jewish faith to convert to Roman Catholicism. So if the New York voters can forgive him for serving in the Reagan Administration, he could get elected.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-9-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Hollywood Reporter noted Tuesday the ten biggest moneymaking movies of all time are action movies. Americans love their heroes to be wild risk-takers with no regard for their personal safety. In his next movie James Bond will drive a Toyota.

The White House kept up its attack on Toyota Wednesday, saying that in addition to Toyota's sticking gas pedals the Prius's brakes don't work. Don't worry. Anybody in California will tell you that the Prius doesn't go fast enough to even need brakes.

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hits the newsstands Friday, showcasing the most beautiful women in the world in bikinis. The models are filmed in exotic locations. It's a great break for them after covering the world for Fox News all year.

Tiger Woods was reported Friday returning to Accenture's match play tournament in Arizona. The ratings should be great. Over the course of a week the field of sixty-four is reduced to one and if his wife doesn't win this year she gets everything.

A nineteen-year-old New Zealand girl auctioned her virginity online for thirty-two thousand dollars on Tuesday. She won't reveal the name of the winning bidder. The only clue is that Roman Polanski has just offered to be extradited to New Zealand.

Scott Brown was sworn in as U.S. senator from Massachusetts Thursday. Democrats weren't sore sports at all. He moved temporarily into Teddy Kennedy's old Senate office, but that's just until they get a desk that'll fit inside a Porta-Potty out back.

The Tea Party convention got started in Nashville Friday. The organization is named after the Boston Tea Party, which was the first sign of revolt by American colonists against the British Crown over high taxes. Now taxes are so high that the first thing the convention did was apologize to King George and apply for reinstatement.

House Democrats voted by a narrow margin to raise the nation's debt ceiling by two trillion dollars Thursday. The total debt is now fourteen trillion. We may have cut back the space program but we haven't given up on our quest to reach infinity.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized to the Special Olympics Wednesday for calling liberal Democrats retarded. It's not fair. Liberals believe everybody deserves a medal and the Special Olympics requires actual achievement to get one.

President Obama offered to forgive college loans for students Thursday if they agree to work for the U.S. government for ten years. The idea has a familiar ring to it. Leave it to America's first black president to bring back indentured servitude.

Al-Qaeda was reported Thursday to be stockpiling Botox as a WMD for a terrorist attack. People in Hollywood are excited. If we can get the Pentagon to invade Los Angeles for our Botox stockpiles, the reconstruction cash could put us back on our feet.

The White House said Tuesday the Underwear Bomber is finally talking to interrogators. They should have kept it secret. Revealing his confession to the world lets the enemy know he's talking, but the Republicans would have found out eventually.

Broadway star Rip Torn was cited Friday after he broke into a Connecticut bank while drunk, then went to sleep on the floor thinking he was home. Nothing was broken or missing. Spencer Tracy told him when he was young the secret to success in the acting business is: Learn your lines, hit your marks and don't fall over the furniture.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-7-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Peyton Manning was voted most likely to replace Tiger Woods as the world's top male role model Tuesday. It takes skill. You have to be able to read the defense and know instinctively if you need to be a flatterer, play hard-to-get, or just slip something into her drink.

The Las Vegas Hilton estimated that legal betting on the Super Bowl today will hit eighty-five million dollars and that's just in sports books. Everyone's in an office pool. Joe Biden said his Super Bowl picks are Kansas, Kentucky, Texas and Duke.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman ripped President Obama Wednesday after he slurred the city again. The mayor called the president a slow learner. That's the harshest name you're allowed to call someone without having to apologize to the Special Olympics.

CBS refused to air a Super Bowl commercial submitted by ManCrunch. The website is a gay dating service. The network was trying to protect the NFL's image and not remind the viewers that every game ends with forty-five men showering together.

CBS News fired a hundred and fifty people Monday due to low ratings and ad revenue drop-offs. The job cuts included news producers. The guy on trial for blackmailing David Letterman could be the only one at CBS News to end up with a roof over his head.

CBS News anchor Katie Couric reportedly had her fifteen-million-dollar salary cut in half Tuesday. Her hiring is widely regarded to have been a noble but failed experiment. She could end up in a museum with Barack Obama, Prohibition and home rule for Ireland.

President Obama offered Thursday to forgive your college loans if you work in public service. There's more. Next he's going to forgive your car loan if you a run over a tea party demonstrator, and they'll even tell the police it was the gas pedal's fault.

President Obama sought Friday to loan thirty billion in repaid bailout money to small businesses. The money was supposed to reduce the deficit. Having Democrats in charge of Congress and the White House is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood warned U.S. motorists Wednesday to stop driving Toyotas. These cars are made in Mississippi. Toyota has created a lot of jobs in Mississippi because under state law they have to have a separate plant for each color.

Intelligence Director Dennis Blair said he thinks al-Qaeda will attack America within six months. That's three administration statements in one day that damaged the economy. The president trashed Las Vegas, the Transportation Secretary trashed Toyota and now no one will lease an office above the third floor in any building in America.

Dennis Blair told Congress Wednesday of his effort to assassinate U.S. citizen Anwar al-Awlaki while the al-Qaeda leader is holed up in Yemen. The director said the CIA is allowed to assassinate American citizens abroad. After Texas secedes from the Union, the CIA will be picking off Texans like they're Dick Cheney and it's duck season.

The Getty Museum in Los Angeles held a Rembrandt Symposium Tuesday. The artist spent much of his life painting self-portraits, he bought a house that was too big, and he ended up bankrupt. The museum honored him as the father of the California real estate crash.

The Weather Channel reported Thursday that last week's ice storms in the South knocked out electricity in some areas for a week. Oklahoma has a firewood shortage because the trees are all frozen. People are staying warm by burning Al Gore's books.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-5-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl security personnel began setting up for Sunday's game. They are worried a terrorist may walk into the stadium with a bomb. Osama bin Laden doesn't take it very well when he gets eliminated from the office Super Bowl pool by halftime.

House Republicans vowed Monday to block civilian terrorist trial funding. They blocked health care and they blocked cap-and-trade. NFL teams give quarterbacks an extra second in the pocket by requiring their offensive linemen to register Republican.

Indianapolis Colts center Jeff Saturday was reported Monday to have gotten rich investing in Jeff Foxworthy's production company. He's a shrewd businessman. The only investments that performed well in this recession are Philip Morris and redneck jokes.

John Edwards' former aide Andrew Young said Monday he was offered millions for a sex tape of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter that he owns. It's very raw. John Edwards can be heard on the tape making passionate noises and that's just while he's combing his hair.

Conan O'Brien got forty million dollars to leave NBC although his ratings were low and he wouldn't have lasted long. He's free to sign with Fox. The deal ended US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger's year-long reign as the luckiest white man alive.

Actor Rip Torn walked drunk through the glass door of a Connecticut bank at midnight and fell asleep on the floor thinking he was home. It was an honest mistake. The bank does doesn't own his home yet, but if his agent doesn't get him some work soon, it will.

John McCain urged Congress Monday to stop probing steroid use in baseball. The government will have to be involved one way or another. If you take steroids out of Major League Baseball, the game will have to be regulated as a prescription sleep aid.

Senator-elect Scott Brown was sworn into office on Thursday. The event took place on the Senate floor. There were two swearing-in ceremonies, a formal one for the history books and a naked one for Cosmo's Where Are They Now? issue.

The White House backed a plan Friday to bribe the Taliban to stop fighting. The thinking is, if we pay them a salary they'll put down their weapons. Twenty million unemployed Americans just announced they're going to take up arms and join the Taliban.

Democrats backed away from the White House plan to hold Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial in New York. They say in unison that the sheik must get a fair trial even though he's guilty and must get the death penalty. Statements like this so poison the jury pool that E. coli is now the second-leading cause of nausea and diarrhea in America.

President Obama unveiled a four-trillion-dollar budget Monday. He pays for it with higher taxes and borrowed money and leaves a trillion-dollar debt. Parker Brothers has just decided to switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency to save on printing costs.

The Weather Channel reported a foot of snow in the South Tuesday following the epic storm. It knocked out electricity everywhere. People who promote alternative energy forgot to mentions that windmills don't move for six days after an ice storm.

President Obama created a Debt Commission by executive order Monday. He wants them to find a way to cut the deficit and stop the growth of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. Six months from now the U.S. Surgeon General will issue a warning to every American that life without cigarettes and alcohol isn't really living at all.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-4-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Archie Manning's son Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts are favored to win his second Super Bowl Sunday. Archie's son Eli quarterbacked the Super Bowl win two years ago. Brett Favre just called Archie and asked if forty is too old to be adopted.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan apologized Monday for giving the finger to Dolphin fans during a Super Bowl week TV interview. They won't forget this in Miami. It could be ten years before New York gets cocaine that isn't ninety percent baby powder.

The Super Bowl halftime entertainment in Miami Sunday will feature the legendary rock 'n' roll group The Who. This group has been around for a long, long time. They performed a concert at the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah when it still was a zoo.

The Michael Vick Project aired on BET Tuesday, covering his career from his all-pro days to the dogfighting that cost him prison time and the richest contract in NFL history. His skills are prodigious. Two years ago Michael Vick was the only guy in America who lost a hundred million dollars without the help of a money manager.

The Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas unveiled a talking female sex robot. She can hold conversations and have sex. The pitch to politicians, golfers and televangelists is that she costs seven thousand dollars, and that's the end of it.

The Los Angeles City Council agreed Tuesday to allow seventy medical marijuana stores in the city. It's big business. The Pot Party is so powerful in the Golden State that once a year the governor gives a speech to a joint session of Californians.

President Obama was pictured Monday bowing to the mayor of Tampa. He's bowed to the Chinese premier, Japan's emperor, the Saudi king and Tampa's mayor. Actually, he's not bowing, he's just faking back trouble to make people think he's another Jack Kennedy.

British spies revealed Monday that al-Qaeda plans to place bombs in plastic bags in airline passenger's rectums or inside women's breasts. We'll never find them. TSA screeners don't make near enough money to take that many people to dinner and a movie.

Al-Qaeda was reported Sunday to have bought a huge supply of Botox as a weapon of mass destruction. It's a clever plot. They think if they can make all Americans look ten years younger we'll all die of sexually-transmitted diseases within one year.

The White House started backing away from holding al-Qaeda trials in Manhattan Monday. The locals are absolutely exasperated. Barack Obama could be the first Democrat to lose New York City since George Washington retreated from British troops.

The White House budget released Monday cancels NASA's moon missions and turns NASA into a monitoring agency for climate change. That's absolutely nuts. If we aren't able to go to the moon or to Mars, we'll have no place to hide from our Chinese creditors.

U.S. Congressman Dr. Ron Paul voted against a resolution for U.S. aid to Haiti. The ob/gyn is nicknamed Dr. No due to his habit of opposing everything. Nobody knows better than a gynecologist the trouble that can be saved by saying no at the right time.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin sued her child's father Levi Johnston for income he's made as a celebrity model. He just posed naked for Playgirl magazine. Massachusetts considers it a pledge duty before they make you a senator later in life.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-3-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

CBS Sports rejected the Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch Saturday. It shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in the potato chip bowl, unleashing their gay passion for each other. It will be resubmitted as a U.S. Army recruiting commercial.

The Weather Channel showed an ice storm freezing Texas, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Alabama. Roads are iced over and power is out. For the first time in one hundred years, Michigan can recruit high school football players by bragging about its weather.

The White House began a probe of the BCS under antitrust laws. They will check all precedents. There may be something in the surrender papers at Appomattox that limits the number of Southern teams that can play in the championship game every year.

Phil Mickelson was accused of cheating during the Farmers Insurance Open in La Jolla. He used the twenty-year-old Ping Wedge Two with now-illegal square grooves for maximum backspin at impact. One clunk and Tiger Woods was on his way to sex rehab.

Washington state cops arrested a teenaged boy for distributing a topless photo of a fourteen-year-old girl. He took it with a phone and texted it to pals. Everyone with a camera used to want to be Steven Spielberg, now they want to be Roman Polanski.

Toyota apologized Saturday for faulty gas pedals on four million vehicles just recalled. When you press the pedal down it stays down and the car accelerates out of control. Whoever designed the gas pedal should be fired and made Treasury Secretary.

President Obama met Saturday with George H.W. Bush and son Jeb Bush at the White House. The president was glad to meet Jeb. He blamed George W. Bush for the economy and George H.W. Bush for Iraq, and it's nice to have a Bush in the bank for future blame.

Senator Susan Collins ripped President Obama Saturday for the FBI's questioning of the Christmas Day airline bomber for only fifty minutes before letting him lawyer up. We know where this is going. Every day Obama spends sticking up for a terrorist's right to remain silent, Hillary Clinton schedules another meet-and-greet event in Iowa.

The White House yielded to pressure Saturday and agreed to move Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial out of Manhattan. Put your money on Guantanamo. It can't be in any congressional district that's having an election, and that pretty much leaves Cuba.

John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter sued Friday to retrieve a sex tape they made. He was almost elected vice president and wanted to be Obama's Attorney General. Comedians can only lie awake each night and think about what might have been.

California mountain streams were reported to be swarming with gold prospectors Saturday. Gold prices just passed one thousand dollars an ounce and recent rainstorms have loosened new sediment that's streaming into the rivers. Sporting goods stores are full of blonde golddiggers asking each other if these wading boots make them look fat.

The Washington D.C. Auto Show exhibited a new compact car that runs on government wastepaper. Many are mortified. Dick Cheney just realized that all the time he was shredding Energy Task Force documents, he was underselling the oil companies.

The Census Bureau reports that thanks to job losses, they've recruited the most highly-skilled workforce in history. Census-takers include engineers, professors and bankers. Everywhere they knock on the door, they'll ask the same questions: how many people live in the house, what are their ages, and do they know of any openings?



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-2-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

CBS refused a Super Bowl ad for ManCrunch which shows two men watching the game when their hands touch in a potato chip bowl. It ignites them to kiss. The Super Bowl has taught us that beer makes you sexy but it's not going to teach us that potato chips make you gay.

Osama bin Laden issued a statement Friday in which he blamed the United States for global warming. He urged the entire world to boycott U.S. goods and to bring the American economy to a halt. Americans were just happy to hear it wasn't already there.

NBC reported Monday the network will lose a quarter billion dollars during the Winter Olympics. It's an accounting maneuver. The Winter Games will make money but a quarter billion is what it costs NBC to lay off ten talk show hosts at market rates.

The PGA Tour arrives in Los Angeles for the Northern Trust Open at the Riviera Country Club Thursday. The stars all turn out. Warren Beatty's new biography says he slept with twelve thousand women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world.

Tom Watson criticized Tiger Woods for his sexual misbehavior Friday, saying he must make amends and show humility when he returns. He added that Tiger's swearing and club-throwing projects the wrong image for golf. He's right, this isn't ladies' tennis.

The National Civil Rights Museum opened in Greensboro Monday. It displays an old two-sided Coke machine, one side for whites, one for blacks. They should bring it back for the obesity epidemic, one side for Diet Coke and one side for Full Strength.

President Obama drew fire Thursday for not mentioning terrorism in the State of the Union speech. He's well aware of the threat. It takes him an hour to board Air Force One because his middle name keeps popping up on the no-fly list.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi was revealed Friday to have spent a hundred thousand dollars on booze and snacks aboard Air Force jets in the last two years. She lives better than the average voter. She's got the last plane in America that still serves peanuts.

House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn said Friday he doesn't trust the Senate and called it the House of Lords for stalling social progress. Episcopalians and Methodists fear what's coming next. Once progressives get rid of the Lords' veto, fox hunting is next.

President Obama refused to attend the fun-filled annual Alfalfa Club dinner in Washington Saturday. There's no one left to write gags for him. He killed all his joke writers when he put them to work drafting the health care plan and the jobs bill.

The White House canceled moon missions Friday despite scientists' urging that we must colonize other planets. President Obama isn't buying it. It's bad enough we're running the show in Haiti but if we start colonizing other planets, he's going to have to apologize to the British Empire for all the mean things he said growing up.

Tony Blair testified Friday to the British panel of inquiry about how Britain got pulled into Iraq. He said he didn't sign a pact in blood with President Bush to invade Iraq. A DNA test of the signatures would show that the deal was with Cheney.

The White House responded to New York City's concerns Friday and began searching for another location for the trial of Khalid Sheik Muhammed. They don't want to turn Manhattan into one giant airport security check line. Mayor Rudy Giuliani got the naked people out of Times Square ten years ago and people don't want to go backwards.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio