Argus Hamilton's column for 1-31-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tim Tebow and his mother did a pro-life Super Bowl ad in which she says how happy she is that she ignored a doctor's order to abort Tim. We haven't heard the last of this issue. Pro-choice forces are looking for John Edwards's mother to shoot a rebuttal ad.

Richard Nixon's grandson Christopher Nixon Cox began running for Congress this week in a Long Island shopping center. He's the son of the former president's daughter Tricia. The Republican brand is recovering so fast that even the Nixons can run again.

California got a grant to begin planning for high-speed passenger rail service Thursday. No one in L.A. cares if the engineers are texting at two hundred miles an hour. It's faster to be extricated from wreckage than to get through airport security.

Senator Dianne Feinstein demanded Thursday that the al-Qaeda terror trials be moved out of New York City. That settles it. Leave it to the senator from the Great State of the O.J. Simpson Trial to know what can happen when you put these people in front of a jury.

Osama bin Laden issued a tape Tuesday taking credit for the Underwear Bomber's attack on an airliner over Detroit on Christmas. He has no idea if it succeeded. Looking at an aerial view of Detroit you can't tell if the bomb went off or it didn't.

Hillary Clinton attended meetings in London Wednesday to discuss how to help Yemen. The locals grow a bush called Gat that combines the effects of cocaine and pot when the leaves are chewed. It sounds like all Yemen needs is a free-trade treaty and an air strip large enough for a C-130.

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem called John Daly Wednesday to congratulate him on his new sobriety. The tour has a real addiction problem. The PGA can't break its dependence on the TV ratings that are generated by the alcoholic and the sex addict that the public will pay to see.

Ford announced Wednesday it will open a manufacturing plant on the south side of Chicago. How wild. The cars will have so many bullet holes in them when they come off the assembly line, the radio buttons will be pre-set to hip-hop stations.

President Obama lost the support Thursday of the beautiful Obama Girl who sang the You Tube hit, Crush on Obama, during the campaign. She wants him more focused on the U.S. economy. He's been president for a year and she still doesn't have an agent.

Michelle Obama launched an anti-obesity campaign Thursday, telling reporters her daughters gained too much weight until she took action. It wasn't the daughters' fault. If your parents made you spend a whole year at the Iowa State Fair, you'd gain weight, too.

President Obama used his State of the Union speech Wednesday to berate the U.S. Supreme Court to their faces. He sounded like a South American dictator. That would explain the nice campaign donation he got from Banana Republic in appreciation of the free ad.

Nancy Pelosi demanded that the president's proposed spending freeze also apply to Pentagon spending. She's not kidding. The next time she wants U.S. military jets to take her entourage to Copenhagen she expects them to tell her it is not in the budget.

President Obama proposed thirty-three billion dollars in tax breaks for small businesses that hire new workers. Our national pride is at stake. It's been so long since someone tried to sneak across the Mexican border to find work in America that the Minutemen have left and the Border Patrol agents are sitting in their folding chairs.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-29-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tim Tebow will star in a pro-life commercial during the Super Bowl telecast on CBS. Opponents cried foul, saying it's an issue ad. Issue ads are strictly banned from all Super Bowl telecasts, unless the issue is whether or not cleavage sells beer.

Toyota ordered dealers to take their top-selling car models off the market Tuesday because the throttles stick open. It's the safe thing to do. President Obama told them if they don't want to be nationalized they'd better help sell some GM cars.

President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address to Congress Wednesday night, which was followed by the Republican response. We're making progress. Generally speaking, the first thing that follows a Wednesday night speech by President Obama is Friday.

President Obama said Wednesday he doesn't want to argue over who's responsible for politicizing national security. He said he's not interested in talking about the past. He will when he wants to get a job as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals.

President Obama demanded an end to Don't Ask Don't Tell on gays in the military Wednesday. It's the Obama Doctrine. It will cost you your career in the military if you profile a young man from the Middle East, but not if you prefer a young man from the Middle East.

Brett Favre said Monday he hasn't made up his mind whether or not he'll retire from the NFL after drawing huge ratings all year. Why should he retire? He's a likable, goofy and reckless Southerner and there are no term limits for quarterbacks.

Apple Computers unveiled its new tablet computer called the iPad Wednesday in California. It was received with great trepidation. The last time people got their hopes up to behold a new tablet it outlawed adultery and nine other natural inclinations.

The Weather Channel showed footage of a Southern ice storm Wednesday. It moved from Oklahoma to Arkansas to Tennessee and into the Carolinas. It was so cold that protesters demanded that Admiral Byrd's flag be lowered at the South Carolina capitol.

John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with Rielle Hunter when he was running for president. He's decided to help earthquake victims in the Caribbean this week. This answers the concerns of all the people who believe that Haiti hasn't suffered enough.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi insisted to Fox News Wednesday that health care reform was not dead. She believes that Democrats can survive if it's done in two stages. The first stage is to blame President Bush and the second stage is to blame President Obama.

Senator Harry Reid angered Democratic congressmen Tuesday by saying there's no rush on health care reform. House Democrats howled that the Senate is acting like the House of Lords. If that were true, the only thing health care would cover is gout.

Hillary Clinton had to miss the State of the Union speech Wednesday because she was in London meeting with the British government about Yemen. The Yemen conference was just a cover story. Hillary was really in England to do a little research on the Restoration.

GOP senators sent a letter to the president demanding Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial be moved out of New York. The administration won't move the trial out of the country. The economy's so bad they want the credit for creating twelve paid juror jobs.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-28-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Focus on the Family shot a Super Bowl ad with Tim Tebow and his mom. She tells how she was ill while pregnant with Tim but refused a doctor's order to abort him. The sonogram indicated that he would beat the doctor's alma mater four years in a row.

Brett Favre drew sixty million viewers to watch the Vikings lose the NFC title in overtime Sunday. Now comes the retirement drama. It's such an annual event that most Americans believe the Trail of Tears led from Green Bay to New York to Minnesota.

Tiger Woods was reported Monday to be residing in his own villa at a Hattiesburg sex rehab instead of in the patient dorm. This place is in deepest Mississippi. They almost kicked Tiger out when they found out he's not related to any of his mistresses.

Pablo Picasso's The Actor was torn up Monday when a woman in New York's Museum of Art lost her balance and fell into the canvas. It didn't have to happen. Normally if you want to tear up an actor you just tell him you've decided to cast somebody younger.

Colorado's Nazi Party purchased the right Monday to participate in the state's highway clean-up program. The Nazis will maintain one mile of a road right next to one mile of the road which is maintained by the Southern Baptists. With this much singing up along the highway, the litter just picks up and goes of its own accord.

Sandra Bullock won another Best Actress Award for her role as an evangelical Christian woman in The Blind Side. This is unfamiliar territory for movie stars. George Clooney turned down The Oral Roberts Story when he learned it wasn't a gay role.

President Obama was caught Friday reading a speech to a grade-school class off two TelePrompters. He was right to take precautions. President Bush used to read to grade-schoolers right out of the storybook and it just attracted al-Qaeda attacks.

President Obama gave his State of the Union address to Congress Wednesday. He is under siege. The day before, Toyota recalled its new Obama model because the car takes off too fast and then stalls out, and it won't stop looking at itself in the vanity mirror.

President Obama proposed a freeze on federal discretionary spending Tuesday. It won't apply to spending on national defense, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and stimulus packages. It's just like quitting drinking except for beer, wine and tequila.

President Obama was treated politely by Congress during his State of the Union Thursday. He still has the power to make or break any Democrat in the chamber. If anyone doesn't support his agenda, he'll go into their district and campaign for them.

President Obama was criticized by both liberals and conservatives unhappy over the federal spending freeze he proposed to Congress Tuesday. It's not set in stone. The spending freeze has an exception for emergencies, national disasters and Nebraska.

Senator Harry Reid announced Tuesday there's no rush on health care reform and said Democrats aren't working on it. Pretty slick. These guys who were teenagers in the Fifties are experts at hitting the brakes just before the car goes over the cliff.

China tested a missile designed to disable U.S. military satellites Monday while Chinese Army hackers toiled away to crash U.S. military computers. They have no defense against our most potent weapon. If they declare war, we declare Chapter Eleven.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-27-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama will give his State of the Union speech tonight to a joint session of Congress in the House of Representatives. Precautions were taken. Two Chicago politicians will be kept out of the chamber in case of a catastrophe to assure continuity of government.

Osama bin Laden released a tape Sunday warning of new planned al-Qaeda attacks on the U.S. His son just wrote a tell-all book revealing that Osama was a cruel father. In the bin Laden house, if you didn't eat all your infidels, you didn't get dessert.

Brett Favre went down fighting with the New Orleans Saints on Sunday. We haven't seen the last of the big guy. Brett Favre's annual retirement is America's most beloved soap opera now that CBS has canceled the Guiding Light and As the World Turns.

Queen Elizabeth announced plans Friday to speak before the U.N. General Assembly in New York. She'll be in town on legal business anyway. The U.S. is considering having its name legally changed to Colonies R Us in an apparent effort to evade creditors.

China shut down the nation's number-one condom factory Thursday. State quality inspectors caught workers cutting costs by using animal fat for latex lubricant. It's the first Trojan scandal in ten years that doesn't involve recruiting violations.

The Mars orbiter sent back photos Tuesday showing that Mars once had lakes and rivers as well as ice on its south pole. It satisfies the natural curiosity. Americans want to know if there's life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father.

Tiger Woods was photographed in a sex addiction rehab clinic in Hattiesburg on Thursday. There's a good reason he chose the clinic in Mississippi. There's still a tunnel from the Underground Railroad there and he's smuggling in blondes from Canada.

The Atlantic Monthly reported Friday there are organized movements in thirteen states to secede from the United States. The word is starting to get around. Every time NASA does a countdown at Cape Canaveral, people think they're reading the list of states that are still in the Union.

President Obama offered himself as a champion of Main Street Thursday. He went after banks, insurance companies, Big Oil and big corporations. Last week he created a thousand jobs, but not everyone is qualified to pilot a ferry to the Cayman Islands.

The Dow Jones fell four hundred points Thursday and Friday after President Obama announced his plan for financial regulation. He wants to slap a tax on banks, limit the size of banks, and restrict the business of banks. Democrats believe it's a refreshing change to have a president who deliberates long and hard before he makes a God-awful decision.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday she doesn't have enough votes in the House to pass the Senate health care reform bill. Democrats have to find a way to pass something. Gridlock just gives everybody more time to sit in the car and listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Senator John Cornyn told Fox News Sunday that Republicans have excellent ideas for health care reform. It could save taxpayers trillions. Under the Republican health care plan, people with no insurance will be allowed to keep their current plan.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that corporations have the same right to buy campaign ads as political action groups and individuals do. The ruling will allow corporations to attack politicians just the way politicians attack corporations. Americans haven't rooted this hard for a scoreless tie since the Iran-Iraq War.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-26-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House began leaking excerpts of Wednesday's State of the Union speech to Congress. The president begins the speech by saying the state of the union is strong. It's always best to start off with a joke that gets the crowd on your side.

The White House caved in to ABC's Lost fans and agreed not to schedule the State of the Union during the season premiere. We're a nation obsessed. Republicans are so hooked on Twenty-Four that they believe Barack Obama is our second black president.

Los Angeles residents were awed by a tornado which swept off the ocean last Tuesday and flooded the port city of San Pedro. Nobody had ever seen spinning funnel clouds over the West Coast. Teddy Kennedy was buried in Virginia so it couldn't have been him.

Massachusetts elected Republican Scott Brown senator Tuesday, despite his once posing nude for Cosmo. It's what pushed him over the top. These are scary times and Americans are looking for somebody who'll lead them through airport body scanners proud and smiling.

Scott Brown's Senate win fueled speculation that Red Sox star Curt Schilling may run against John Kerry in two years. The pitcher won the World Series for Boston while his ankle bled through his socks, trusting it would clot eventually. Curt Schilling has never run for office and today he's the author of the GOP health care plan.

President Obama's daughters and Bo greeted White House visitors Wednesday. It was the day after Massachusetts. The president wanted child protective services and animal welfare to know that there'd been no casualties upstairs the night before.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defied the U.S. demand to halt their nuclear program. He's a dead man walking. We now know if President Obama wants to get rid of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad he doesn't need to bomb him, he just needs to campaign for him.

Archaeology Today reports that newfound manuscripts suggest the Bible was written centuries earlier than previously thought, sparking controversy. You can't please everyone. Jesus turned the water into wine and the Baptists turned it back into water.

President Obama proposed nationalizing the student loan program Thursday. He's always going for the history books. Under President Obama's leadership, America could be the first country in the history of the world to directly subsidize binge drinking.

Tiger Woods checked into a Mississippi sex rehab Monday where he's begun making amends. He gave three million dollars to Haiti. That's one million for earthquake victims and two million to blunt the criticism that none of his mistresses were black.

Tennessee former coach and USC's new coach Lane Kiffin was under investigation Thursday for drinking with female students last summer during a car wreck. He'll never get extradited to Knoxville. Los Angeles plans to trade him to France for Roman Polanski.

UC Santa Barbara did a study of women which showed that blondes are more aggressive and ambitious than brunettes or redheads. They also found blondes less likely to get into fights, because they protect their looks. The study itself is the first sign that the country's obsession with Fox News anchors has moved from sexual to clinical.

In Touch's issue with Sarah Palin and daughter Bristol on the cover was a sales flop on Monday. The editors leaked that Bristol said she's celibate, and nobody bought the issue. This is why Cosmo never does a cover story called Ten Tips for Better Celibacy.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-24-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles had tornado warnings Tuesday when arriving Pacific storms collided with unstable air and formed funnel clouds. This never happened before. The late-night talk show hosts are rotating so fast the winds are starting to knock over trees.

Conan O'Brien got thirty-three million dollars from NBC to leave the Tonight Show and not to criticize the network. His future monologues will be very restricted. Under the agreement he is only allowed to discuss the weather and everybody's health.

China pulled Avatar from movie theaters because it's too popular. It wasn't the first time they did this. They pulled Gone With the Wind after the barbecue scene at Twelve Oaks, and now no one in China understands how Barack Obama can be president.

Hope the Musical, about Barack Obama's life, premiered in Germany Saturday. They had to make some changes after the previews. Every time Jeremiah Wright stood in the pulpit and damned America in German, the first two rows walked out and invaded Poland.

President Obama was invited Monday to play poker in the Paddy Power Irish Open held annually in Dublin on Easter weekend. The president turned it down. After what happened to him in Massachusetts Tuesday he plans to spend Easter rising from the dead.

Christie's in London announced it will auction a four-inch cigar butt smoked by Winston Churchill at a war cabinet meeting. What a souvenir. It will set a record price for a historic cigar, at least until the Clinton Library auctions its memorabilia.

The PGA Tour got Farmers to sponsor the San Diego Open on Tuesday, the same day Sun Life bought naming rights to the Super Bowl venue. Insurance companies are coming back out in the sunlight. After universal health care seemed to die with Tuesday's election results the NFL fined six insurance companies for celebrating in the end zone.

Kraft Foods closed in on the Cadbury candy company with a nineteen billion dollar bid Tuesday. The deal is a winner. If you saw the retail sales numbers for the last two Christmases you could tell we are all living on macaroni and cheese and chocolate.

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez joined the government of France Tuesday, accusing the U.S. of attempting to colonize Haiti by sending troops there. That's not the plan. The plan is to get Haiti a Fannie Mae loan and then fix it up, and then flip it.

Port au Prince became a free-fire zone Sunday when gangs set up roadblocks, looted relief supplies and robbed pedestrians. It shouldn't surprise anyone. The June-like weather in Haiti makes everybody think the Lakers just won the championship.

President Obama was criticized in polls Monday for prioritizing Haiti as if it were a U.S. state instead of a foreign country. He said we have a special relationship with Haiti. It was an insult to Great Britain and a crushing disappointment to Kenya.

Haiti was suggested for U.S. statehood by several Democrats Monday in interviews airing on cable news. They want to bring the island nation under the U.S. sovereignty umbrella. That is how far they are reaching for two more votes for health care reform.

Grand Cayman Island residents and visitors felt a six-point earthquake Tuesday, rattling vacation homes and hotels in the Caribbean island paradise. The relief effort is minimal. This time the world doesn't have to send money, it's already there.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-22-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New Orleans Saints will play the Minnesota Vikings for the NFC Championship Sunday in a game where either NFL team could run up a big score. The city is rich with tradition. If New Orleans gets blown out it's traditional to blame George W. Bush.

NBC News pundits attributed Scott Brown's Senate upset to scared voters taking comfort in white male candidates. He's for liberty, low taxes and free enterprise. Brett Favre has proved that even something old can have one more Super Bowl left in it.

GOP Senator-elect Scott Brown addressed reporters Wednesday after his Massachusetts win. It was risky. He admitted growing up poor, driving a truck and being a regular guy. Republican leaders wouldn't endorse him until they were sure he wasn't a spy.

Senate Democrats put off health care reform Wednesday until Scott Brown is sworn in. They're counting to see what parts of the health care bill they can pass. They think they can get sixty votes to rename a post office after Florence Nightingale.

Tiger Woods reportedly donated three million dollars Monday to the Wyclef Jean relief organization for rebuilding Haiti. He gave the money without thinking twice about it. Whenever the earth moves it costs Tiger Woods another three million dollars.

The Golden Globes withstood the arrival of winter storms Sunday in Los Angeles, where the tone of the evening at the Beverly Hilton was properly restrained. The mood was very subdued in the hotel ballroom. In the pouring rain, the cocaine got wet.

Pope Benedict gave a sermon vowing to improve relations between Catholics and Jews when he spoke at a synagogue in Rome's Old Jewish Ghetto Sunday. The pope can start by having a little talk with his advance man. Jews attend synagogue on Saturday.

Vancouver was reported Monday to be set to host the Winter Olympics games next month in British Columbia. The athletes are training hard. Last week President Obama just set a world record in the Men's Downhill and that was in the Washington Post poll.

Joe Biden was tasked by the White House to make calls to Iraq Monday while the president hosted a King Day celebration. It's a shrewd division of labor. The last thing they needed was for Joe Biden to commemorate the legacy of Martin Luther Vandross.

New York's Kennedy Airport completely shut down Sunday when an unscreened male passenger slipped past security. His lawyer says he went through the wrong door. This is the second breach of Kennedy security in one week if you count the Senate seat.

Massachusetts Democrat Martha Coakley enlisted a Haitian priest on Sunday to pray for her to win Tuesday's Senate election. What was she thinking? Considering the priest's track record praying for Haiti it's no surprise that the roof fell in on her.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin declared Monday that chickens from the U.S. contain too much chlorine and are unsafe to eat. There's nothing we can do about this. The free-range chickens in California have access to six million swimming pools.

The French government blamed the United States Monday for the delay in relief supplies arriving in Haiti. It's a former French colony like Beirut, Vietnam and Angola. France is such an irresponsible mother, she is known around the U.N. as OctoMom.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-21-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Massachusetts voters sent Scott Brown to the U.S. Senate Tuesday, launching a new GOP star on the national stage. When he was twenty-two years old he posed nude for Cosmo. Scott Brown ran on his record as a pioneer in airport screening technology.

President Obama and Bill Clinton and George W. Bush stood together in the Rose Garden Saturday. They took turns at the microphone acting impressive. All that was missing was the bachelorette who has to choose between three men who think they're God.

Mark McGwire apologized for steroid use, saying he wished he had never played in the Steroid Era. He's got a point. If he'd only played ten years earlier in the Cocaine Era he wouldn't have six hundred home runs, he'd have six hundred stolen bases.

Conan O'Brien's contract was bought out by NBC on Friday. They paid him forty million dollars to go away quietly. The money sounds nice until the bank refuses to take the forty million because they are afraid it'll come with executive pay caps.

In Touch Weekly paid Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol one hundred thousand dollars for this week's cover story in which Bristol announced she's a born-again virgin. There's no point to it. Her mother is never going to let her date a terrorist.

Tiger Woods was reported Tuesday to have checked into a sex addiction rehab in Mississippi. How'd they talk him into going there? Mississippi has got a treatment for Tiger Woods' disorder which in forty-nine other states is considered a hate crime.

Los Angeles officials listed survival tips in case we get hit by a Haiti-sized earthquake. It's wise to remove heavy objects from nightstands and headboards. Our last earthquake hit late at night and three people were killed by their Golden Globes.

President Obama wasted no time rushing supplies to Haiti for earthquake relief. The clock's ticking. He must stress the urgency of this disaster before Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declares that the building codes worked.

Hillary Clinton arrived in Haiti Saturday, bringing supplies for the U.S. Embassy employees. She brought water for Haitians, ready-to-eat meals for the military and toiletries for the staff. Now that she knows she can't run for president on health care reform she's just shaking hands and handing out free stuff.

House and Senate Democrats continued negotiating health care reform Friday and agreed to exempt the Amish. The Amish are said to be prosperous but there's no way to verify it. When you don't drive a car nobody can tell how much money you make.

The CDC said Saturday only one out of every five Americans has been vaccinated for swine flu. People are rebelling. They've been stuck by their mortgage lenders, stuck by their credit card companies and stuck by the taxman, and Americans are out of veins.

President Obama said Saturday he's confident that Congress will pass his proposed tax against successful banks. Every week he threatens a different industry. He has created so many jobs for lobbyists the Everglades can't shoe them all.

JP Morgan Chase stunned Wall Street, reporting three billion in earnings in the fourth quarter and twelve billion for the past year. Under the worst possible circumstances the chairman has turned things around and righted the ship. He has to have extra security around his home to keep people from drafting him for president.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-20-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama ridiculed GOP Senate candidate Scott Brown for driving a Chevy truck during his speech in Boston Sunday. It wasn't helpful. Tiger Woods just got fired as the spokesman for General Motors and the new guy's not working out any better.

Elvis Presley's doctor admitted Friday he wrote ten thousand prescriptions for Elvis in his last year. He was on liquid cocaine, steroids, barbiturates and painkillers when he died. Elvis Presley may be the only person in history who descended to heaven.

USC coach Lane Kiffin angered Tennessee fans by urging their recruits to follow him to USC. It's not fair. L.A. can offer a reality show while all Tennessee can offer is a moonshine still, and a seventeen-year-old will choose the still every time.

Jay Leno agreed Friday to host the Tonight Show and Conan O'Brien will leave. Everything's going to go back to the way it was. Joe Biden went home for his mom's funeral last week and when he came back Dick Cheney was living in his house.

Senator Ben Nelson was booed when he walked into a Nebraska restaurant because of outrage over health care. He tried to explain it away by saying the beef is very fresh in Omaha steakhouses and he always orders it rare. But no one bought his explanation that he was being mooed.

USA Today reports the number of U.S. government salaries over a hundred thousand dollars annually skyrocketed last year. No wonder people compete for these jobs. Once you get your feet up on the desk in the morning the heavy work of the day is done.

President Obama enlisted the aid of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush to help him raise relief supplies and money for Haiti. This should really help. There's no problem so immense that an invasion or a sex scandal can't distract everybody from it.

Danny Glover said Haiti's quake happened because the Earth was angry there was no climate deal in Copenhagen. Don't blame Earth. When you've been ruled by the English-speaking people for four centuries, you just naturally take it out on French colonies.

Pat Robertson said Haiti's quake occurred because the Haitians once made a deal with the Devil. The Devil had nothing to do with the earthquake. He's been way too busy programming NBC's late-night schedule and arranging dates for Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods reportedly checked himself into a sex rehab located in Hattiesburg Friday. What a place for a sex rehab. The female students at Southern Mississippi are so gorgeous that Fox News operates a minor league club there just to sign them all.

Homeland Security responded to charges of laxity Friday by beefing up security at the White House and on Capitol Hill. The barbed wire seems to be working. In the last week not one Republican has made it inside the health care bill negotiations.

Bill Clinton urged Democrats Friday to pass the health care reform bill and to ignore questions of its constitutionality. It includes the computerization of every American's health care records. Expecting the government to keep your health care records confidential is like hiring a Peeping Tom to install your window shades.

President Obama cut a deal with Big Labor Thursday which exempts union workers from the Cadillac tax on high-cost health care plans. Detroit automakers are just flattered that the best health care plans are nicknamed Cadillac policies. They could have nicknamed them Mercedes policies but everybody knows they're not that good.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-19-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House order to install full-body scanners at airports Monday enjoyed overwhelming public approval. No one should be surprised. It was Bill Clinton who first discovered that people are happy to take off their clothes for their president.

Massachusetts voters go to the polls today to elect a U.S. Senator. At stake is health care reform. Republican Scott Brown was way behind just a month ago, but he's coming up so fast that the Thoroughbred Association wants a urine test after the race.

Conan O'Brien said Monday he'd quit the Tonight Show if NBC moves its timeslot to midnight. He may move to the Fox Network. If Conan O'Brien works for Fox he may have to attend twelve-step meetings to help him give up Sarah Palin jokes one night at a time.

USC hired Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin, who angered the Volunteer fans by leaving. He's begun recruiting Volunteer prospects to switch to USC. The Tennessee legislature declared him a Yankee general and voted to revoke his Confederate passport.

Variety reported Blind Side's box-office success launched five new faith-based movies. There's a bidding war for God-and-Country scripts. If Hollywood had any idea that George W. Bush was good box office, they never would have been so hard on him.

Avatar directed by James Cameron remained atop the box office Monday as ticket sales passed one billion dollars. You know the copycat nature of Hollywood. The next time they re-make Gone with the Wind all the slaves are going to be in blue face.

The Denver School District apologized Thursday for their Martin Luther King Day menu of fried chicken and collard greens. You just can't win. Their first choice was pheasant but they thought it would be insensitive to serve anything that was shot.

The Justice Department gave up prosecuting John Gotti Jr. after four hung juries in New York kept freeing him. The city will be safer for it. Not even the Janitor's Union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti ran protection in lower Manhattan.

President Obama told People magazine that he believes Tiger Woods can rehabilitate himself. His philosophy is simple. The president thinks anybody can look within themselves, find their flaws, and blame them on obscene bonuses for bankers.

President Obama called for a ten-year tax on all big banks Thursday, saying the taxpayers want their TARP money back. The banks have paid back almost all the TARP money to the U.S. Treasury in less than a year, plus interest, but the president is still furious. It hurts the self-esteem of Democrats to see anybody pay off a loan.

The White House ordered three thousand U.S. troops plus two thousand Marines to Haiti. The island nation was left with no government, no law enforcement and no tax collection. It took twenty minutes to explain to Republicans what the problem is.

The White House agreed with House and Senate Democrats Thursday to cut out the proposed tax on union insurance policies in the health care bill. Instead it would raise taxes on nursing homes and drug companies. They'd like to bury the health care reform bill on the White House lawn, but Michelle is afraid it would poison the radishes.

Lou Dobbs told ABC News Wednesday he will not run for public office and he will return to news. The voters are angry with him. The U.S. border fence would never have been built without Lou Dobbs, and now, no matter how bad the economy gets, we can't get out.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-17-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House saw polls showing Republicans may win the Massachusetts Senate seat Tuesday. Change is fleeting. The Tonight Show's going back to Leno, the home run record is going back to Maris, and Massachusetts is going back to the Protestants.

Sen. Harry Reid was forgiven by black leaders and President Obama for making racist remarks. It's forgivable if you're a Democrat. Yesterday Rush Limbaugh turned Democrat and aired two hours of Amos and Andy shows, and the FCC couldn't lay a glove on him.

New York Democrat Harold Ford defied Harry Reid Thursday and said he'll run in the New York primary for the U.S. Senate seat. Reid's afraid he'll win. He's light-skinned African-American who doesn't a have Negro dialect unless he wants to have one.

USC hired young Lane Kiffin away from Tennessee to coach the Trojans. He faces a real dilemma now. He just named his new baby boy Knox after Knoxville, so now to comply with NCAA rules he's got to wait a year before he can rename him South Central.

Conan O'Brien said Monday he'd quit the Tonight Show if NBC moves its time slot to midnight. He may move from NBC to Fox. In case he does, his writers are already in the archives, switching all their dumb-dumb jokes from President Bush to Joe Biden.

Mark McGwire cried while apologizing for steroid use Monday. He made a hundred million dollars his last five years in baseball and now he's groveling for a job coaching. That's how much the lawyers eat up when you have to testify on Capitol Hill.

Pat Robertson said Wednesday that Haiti's earthquake was God-commanded because the natives made deals with Satan. He tracks these things. The Sylmar earthquake struck Los Angeles the day after Charlton Heston lost the role of God to George Burns.

The London Sun said the next James Bond movie will be shown on three-dimension screens. The character is legendary. Anyone who tries to stop him gets killed and anyone who tries to copy him gets his car repossessed and winds up in Beverly Hills AA.

Democrats on Capitol Hill denied Friday that if the Republican wins the Senate election in Massachusetts Tuesday that they will refuse to seat him until after Congress votes on the health care bill. It's possible, if diabolical. Barney Frank angrily denied it and said this is the worst kind of conspiracy theory, which means it's true.

San Francisco Airport joined the growing list of U.S. airports Friday who called for full body scanners in the security gates at the terminals. It's long overdue. People in San Francisco are tired of having to guess who is circumcised and who isn't.

New York Mayor Bloomberg said Tuesday the trial of Khalid Sheikh Muhammed will cost the city two hundred million dollars for security and overtime. He could get off on a technicality. The safety lecture by flight attendants on every flight will now include the reading of everybody's Miranda rights in case there's a terrorist onboard.

Hillary Clinton met with Japanese officials Thursday to discuss the sixty-five-year-old U.S. presence on Japanese soil. They are a mysterious and industrious and talented society. To this day, Americans can't figure out why Sony doesn't make a car.

The U.S. Embassy in Pakistan said Wednesday U.S. diplomats are being detained and harassed as they travel around the country Pakistanis think that every U.S. diplomat they see is probably is a CIA agent who's about to call in an air strike on their village. The top reality TV show on Pakistani TV is called To Catch a Predator Drone.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-15-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Nixon Library released tapes showing that Richard Nixon didn't like Johnny Carson. It wasn't mutual. Johnny Carson needed fifteen jokes a night to pay off three mortgages and two ex-wives, and he worshipped the ground Richard Nixon walked on.

Sarah Palin signed a huge deal with Fox News Monday to provide news commentary on the cable channel. This will be good practice for her. Sarah Palin hopes to be the first Republican since Ronald Reagan who can shoot, breed and read a TelePrompter.

David Letterman continued winning the late-night ratings war this week. He has overcome the adultery scandal. NBC just analyzed why Jay and Conan's ratings are so low and they have decided to offer the Tonight Show to the governor of South Carolina.

Daily Variety reports that the NFL playoffs are drawing the highest TV ratings ever. Everyone's interested. If you put twenty-two men on a field and give them all concussions the odds are that one of them will come up with a better health care bill.

Coach Pete Carroll exited USC to become the coach of the Seattle Seahawks when the NFL team met his terms Monday. The coach demanded to have the power to hire or fire players no matter how much money they're paid. It's the same power he had at USC.

Oliver Stone caused an uproar Monday when he told an interviewer that Hitler can't be judged without understanding the times he lived in. He added that he's walked in Hitler's shoes and Stalin's shoes to understand their points of view. It's just like a Hollywood director to brag that he has the same shoe size as Hitler and Stalin.

The White House halted transfer of terrorist detainees from Guantanamo to Saudi Arabia. The Saudis were running them through an art school rehab. That's a nice way of saying they were in an al-Qaeda training camp firing paintballs at each other.

Game Change mortified Democrats when it hit bookstores Monday with quotes from Harry Reid calling Barack Obama a Negro and Bill Clinton calling him a coffee-fetcher. It's retro week in America. Grocery stores are selling Pepsi in the old formula with real sugar in it and Democrats are once again the party that opposed emancipation.

Harry Reid said Barack Obama was electable because he's light-skinned with no Negro dialect. It's no surprise. Harry Reid first caught the nation's attention when he was a child actor in the Fifties and starred in the Disney movie High Yeller.

President Obama forgave Harry Reid Monday, saying he's always been on the right side of history. How generous. He believes the nation is divided into two groups of people, those who are willing to do what he says and those who are slave-owning Nazis.

Nancy Pelosi caught heat Monday for using three government jets to haul friends to Copenhagen. She booked five-star hotel rooms for fellow Democrats to help get a climate treaty and they accomplished nothing. Republicans say it's money well spent.

Northern Ireland's first lady Iris Robinson resigned her seat in Parliament on Monday. Her affair with a nineteen-year-old boy surfaced. Ten years ago Northern Ireland honored President Clinton with a statue and he's been a role model ever since.

The White House said Monday President Obama's next goal was a new law to give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship. He's making a big mistake. President Bush couldn't get this bill passed even when there were jobs that Americans wouldn't do.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-14-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Jay Leno was moved by NBC back to his old time slot, causing speculation over Conan O'Brien's future. Comedians have a lot of competition lately. Anybody can get a laugh if they just stand in front of an airport screening machine and wiggle their hips.

O.J. Simpson was reported Tuesday to be pitching a comedy series to TV networks about his life behind bars. It's hard to believe but in the late Seventies polls named him the Most Admired Man in America. That's what America was like before drug testing.

Mark McGwire admitted using steroids to break Roger Maris' record, as Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's. Not everyone's a suspect. As long as President Obama remains thin, Americans will believe he is breaking the federal deficit record fair and square.

Rush Limbaugh walked into his studio Monday where he received a tempting offer from the Devil. Of course he turned it down. The Devil offered Rush a free pass from racial accusations for the rest of his career, but only if he becomes a Democrat.

Harry Reid was backed by the NAACP for complimenting Barack Obama as a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect. Of course they did. Any organization with Colored People still in its name would have to consider Negro dialect the King's English.

Republicans demanded Monday that Harry Reid resign after he referred to Barack Obama in archaic racial language. The GOP was in high dudgeon. The Republicans haven't had the moral high ground on race relations since Lincoln's second term ended in an actor's strike.

Senator Harry Reid was quoted praising Barack Obama for being a light-skinned black and having no Negro dialect. He was assessing his strengths and urging him to run for president. At the time, Barack Obama was the only black in the U.S. Senate and Harry Reid wanted to get him out of there before he brought down the property values.

The Pentagon issued a report Monday on the Ft. Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, saying that people missed all kinds of warning signs. You can tell by their conversation who's siding with the Taliban. Most people oppose the heroin traffic, while others support the medical use of heroin, but it's a red flag if they want to lift the tariffs on it.

Pope John Paul II's attempted assassin Mehmet Ali Agca will be released from prison Friday, thirty years after he shot the pope in Vatican Square. The Soviet KGB hired him for the hit. He was convicted despite the KGB's explanation that the pope fired first.

Sarah Palin joined the Fox News team Monday, signing a lucrative multi-year deal to provide news commentary. She's a pioneer. Someday history will say that Sarah Palin broke the color barrier and became the first woman on Fox News with brown hair.

Brit Hume urged Tiger Woods to turn from his Buddhist faith to Christianity to turn his life around. Buddhism has no concept of sin. The only reason the Motion Picture Academy hands out Oscars each year is because Buddhas are a little overweight.

Taco Bell began an advertising campaign on women who lost weight with their new menu of Mexican food. No one ever thought of selling drive-through food as a diet product. Half of all Americans are just an E. coli infection away from reaching their target weight.

A Beverly Hills company will build a cruise ship and sell the cabins as floating homes. It will dock at Cannes during the film festival, in Sydney on New Year's and in Rio during Carnival. For tax reasons it will dock in Nebraska for the rest of the year.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-13-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Mark McGwire admitted Monday that he used steroids, joining Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Alex Rodriguez. This wraps up the decade nicely. Through three presidents, two wars and a financial crisis the only person who has told us the truth is Jose Canseco.

Pete Carroll left USC to coach the NFL's Seattle Seahawks on Monday. No one can believe he's leaving L.A. for the Pacific Northwest where it's rainy and cold all year. Living in Seattle is like being married to a beautiful woman who is always sick.

Alabama beat Texas to win the national championship Thursday. The other powers saw this coming when Nick Saban became their coach. Every county in Oklahoma voted for John McCain over Barack Obama for president because his name sounded like Go Bama.

The Dallas Cowboys won a huge playoff game Saturday with George W. Bush sitting in the owner's box. He promised the commissioner he would be there. He's got to go to every game until Barack Obama breaks his record as the worst president in history.

The Secret Service arrested a man Thursday who took off his clothes and jogged naked on the sidewalk around the White House. It was a misunderstanding. The security screening for the White House tour is not as severe as the security to get on a plane.

Yemeni cleric Anwar al-Awlaki's father told CNN his son is not a member of al-Qaeda. He swears his son is not a terrorist recruiter or mastermind. That was good enough for Homeland Security, who promptly added his name to the Welcome Aboard list.

Nigeria's Umar Abdulmutallab pleaded not guilty in Detroit Friday to trying to blow up an airliner on Christmas. The episode was a nasty surprise. Obviously our attempt to make air travel so aggravating that the terrorists won't use it has failed.

The Gallup Poll reported Monday that eighty percent of Americans support the TSA's decision to install full-body scanners. Two-thirds say they wouldn't mind being scanned. They don't realize it requires a front scan and a back scan and a pole dance.

Simon Cowell announced Monday he's leaving American Idol next year after eight seasons. David Hasselhoff had just announced he's leaving America's Got Talent. There are so many judicial openings it's a wonder President Obama can get any other work done.

The Drudge Report published side-by-side photos of Senator Harry Reid Monday suggesting he's had cosmetic surgery over the holidays, including an eye lift and a face lift. He can't take it anymore. He's tired of people mistaking him for Strom Thurmond.

Harry Reid apologized Monday for once saying that Barack Obama could be elected president because he's light-skinned and doesn't have a Negro dialect. It took two hours to be absolved. He said the president has forgiven him, the civil rights leadership's forgiven him and Nevada's one black resident, O.J. Simpson, has forgiven him.

The White House accepted Senator Harry Reid's apology for predicting President Obama's electibility because he's a light-skinned black with no Negro dialect. They can't pass health care reform without Harry Reid. If he resigned now he could save the Democratic Party.

Richard Nixon's thirty-year-old grandson Chris Nixon Cox registered to run for U.S. Congress with the New York GOP Monday. It's big news. Richard Nixon's ghost had been inhabiting Sarah Palin but the climate in Alaska was too drastic a change for him.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-12-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Charlie Sheen lost his Hanes underwear endorsement deal for assaulting his wife on Christmas Day. It's crazy. On a day when men's shorts were used to try to blow up a plane they are blaming Charlie Sheen for ruining the good name of underwear.

The Weather Channel reported record chill in the Midwest and South and Eastern Seaboard. No one's ever seen anything like it. Six football players were treated for frostbite in the middle of a game last week, and this was during the Orange Bowl.

The Rose Bowl hosted the national championship game between Texas and Alabama in gorgeous weather. There was no animosity between the two sides inside the stadium. Everybody was just focused on the greater good of the secession movement.

Warren Beatty is the subject of a biography called Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America. The movie star admits bedding twelve thousand women. Tiger Woods just told Jack Nicklaus to rest easy, he has decided to go after Warren Beatty's record instead.

The Justice Department indicted the Underwear Bomber Wednesday. He was known to be an al-Qaeda recruit, yet he was allowed right onboard. American businessmen in a hurry should forget about the Trusted Traveler program and just train with al-Qaeda.

Fans of ABC's Lost petitioned President Obama not to give his State of the Union speech on the night of the show's premiere. It's a series about plane crash survivors on an island. As soon as President Obama heard there was a plane crash involved he took full responsibility and expressed full confidence in the president of ABC Entertainment.

President Obama gave his third speech on the airline attack Thursday. First he was cool, then he was passive, then he was angry. If Ronald Reagan had needed this many takes to get it right, Warner Bros would have dropped his contract the first year.

President Obama ordered airport passenger scanners upgraded Thursday. It's all tied in with health care reform. If you don't have a personal physician you just fly somewhere and the TSA screener will tell you if your gall bladder looks all right.

The White House ordered new screening machines which the British say wouldn't have caught the Underwear Bomber anyway. The machines will really slow down the lines. It's bad enough that they do a virtual strip search, but then the lap dance takes an extra two minutes.

Newark Airport's shutdown last week was found to have been caused by a guy who slipped through security to give a woman one last good-bye kiss. Ten thousand people were evacuated from the terminal, then re-screened. A clip of the kiss was shown on network television all day Thursday and now there's two more divorces in the works.

Senator Ben Nelson caught grief in Nebraska for his health care deal while two other Democrats said they won't run again. Lawmakers are having a rough time back home. Every time they drink a glass of water it comes gushing out of the bullet holes.

The NBA suspended Wahington Wizard Gilbert Arenas Wednesday for wielding a gun in the locker room and then joking about it on Twitter. It could cost him eighty million dollars. It's the most expensive joke in Washington since the last budget bill.

Sarah Palin announced she will give the keynote speech to the first Tea Party convention next month in Nashville. They favor lower taxes and more liberty and less government. The group had to meet in Nashville because Brigadoon is booked solid.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-10-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Google introduced a smart phone with security software and camera and Internet link. This is the answer. Airport lines will move faster when people can just take a picture of themselves naked and send it to the airport one hour before their flight.

Weatherproof put up a photo of President Obama wearing their windbreaker in China on a Times Square billboard. It's wrong. President Obama expressed anger over the unauthorized use of his picture on a billboard and gave them six years to take it down.

Florida growers suffered crop damage Wednesday when a cold front froze oranges and strawberries in twenty-degree weather. Floridians are bracing for the worst. Al Gore wants the temperatures re-counted because they don't agree with his exit polls.

Roman Polanski's sex trial returned to the California Court of Appeals Friday. The famed director faces prison time for having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl in the late Seventies. The judge threw out his first argument that she is forty-five now.

Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday seeking a three hundred million dollar divorce settlement. She could be the one who gets all the golfing equipment endorsements from now on. Who wouldn't want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger?

President Obama honored the nation's top high school science teachers Wednesday. He was just thinking of the children. We must recognize that if we don't satisfy their thirst for science knowledge, they will just run off to Yemen and study with al-Qaeda.

Dutch cops seized twenty tons of pure cocaine in an Amsterdam warehouse Monday worth forty million dollars. The city is a major distribution center. When a Dutch film director leaped over three seats in one bound and beat up a Nigerian airline bomber, nobody asked how he got his super-powers and why he was on his way to Detroit.

The Justice Department charged the Underwear Bomber for attacking a plane with a weapon of mass destruction. Brilliant move. His lawyer can now get him off by citing the widely accepted fact that there never were any weapons of mass destruction.

Slovakia used an innocent citizen's airline luggage to see if they could sneak explosives through airport security on his flight to Dublin. The explosives ended up in Ireland. The Irish only kill the British so the Obama Administration isn't upset.

The White House admitted Wednesday that a third crasher slipped into the state dinner for India. The Secret Service said the president was never in danger. Say what you will against the Warren Commission, they never claimed that the system worked.

President Obama told Hispanic leaders he will push for citizenship for illegal aliens. He's as determined as ever. At this point people aren't asking if the Republicans are going to take back Congress, just whether they're going to cover the spread.

Senator Chris Dodd said Wednesday he won't seek re-election, a day after Senator Byron Dorgan bowed out, while Ben Nelson is thirty points behind in Nebraska. No need for Democrats to panic. There's still time to rob one more train before the Pinkertons arrive.

Senator Chris Dodd recalled his great friendship with Teddy Kennedy Wednesday when he announced he's retiring from the Senate. They raised a lot of hell together. One morning they sat down in the Senate dining room, hung over after partying all night, and when they ordered three-minute eggs the waitress told them they'll never make it.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-8-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Avatar directed by James Cameron did a billion dollar box office by Monday. He also directed the mega-hit Titanic. The U.S. government could turn a profit if we got James Cameron to direct Airport Body Screenings and gave him the distribution deal.

Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized briefly with mild chest pains while vacationing in Honolulu. He returned to the air Wednesday after doctors tested every crevice of him and couldn't find anything. Nobody's allowed in the air without a full body search.

Joan Rivers got bounced from a flight to New York City from Costa Rica because the name on her passport was Joan Rosenberg a.k.a. Joan Rivers. The airport's facial recognition software failed. You have to scan Joan Rivers once a week if you want to stay current.

The White House ordered enhanced screening of passengers from Cuba, Iran, Sudan and Syria Monday. We should insist on having Cubans on every flight. Back when they hijacked planes in the Seventies, they landed every one of them safely in Havana.

Google entered the telephone wars Tuesday introducing the Nexus One Superphone to consumers. It combines the convenience of a cellphone with the power of the Google search engine. No matter where you leave your cellphone it can find it for you.

The Taliban vowed on its website Tuesday to continue deploying suicide bombers as martyrs to the cause. The toughest task nowadays is finding seventy-two virgins to greet them in Paradise. The recruiters stick out like sore thumbs in Amish country.

Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas apologized for pointing a gun at a teammate in the locker room. He was refusing to pay a gambling debt. No one in Washington thinks they have to pay debts as long as there is any money left in the stimulus fund.

C-SPAN's Brian Lamb wrote to Democratic House and Senate leaders this week asking that C-SPAN be allowed to televise health care negotiations. C-SPAN can't do this live. The way Congress is planning to screw the American people, there'd have to be a five-second delay to give the control room enough time to scramble the private parts.

Nancy Pelosi threw an elbow at President Obama Tuesday for breaking a campaign promise never to raise taxes on the middle class. Her remarks were scrutinized very carefully. Her facial muscles don't move so you can never tell if she is kidding.

Democratic House and Senate leaders met in private with the White House Monday to hammer out a health care deal. The public and congressional committee chairmen were completely shut out of the deliberation process. The only way we're going to get the details on this bill is if Tiger Woods cheats on it and the tabloids find out.

President Obama discussed how to tighten up airport security with his national security team Tuesday. They're in a real pickle. The penalty is twenty years in prison for attempting to blow up an airliner but it's forty years in prison for racial profiling.

President Obama named Raytheon's Amanda Simpson to a cabinet security post this week. The transgender woman was born Mitch Simpson and was a test pilot, and now he is a woman. When Barack Obama promised change no one thought it would involve surgery.

Invictus star Morgan Freeman was hired by CBS News to replace Walter Cronkite's voice on tape introducing the newscast every night. The actor agreed to play Nelson Mandela a year ago when the idea of playing a black president on a historic mission was a can't-miss career move. One year later he's doing voice-overs and lucky to be working.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-7-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Airport officials asked permission to give full body screenings to all passengers Monday. The machines don't pick up liquids and plastics very well. If the screeners want to know if they're real, they're still going to have to squeeze.

The New York Mets paid fifty million in taxpayers' money to construction firms tied to the Mafia to build Citi Field. It's such a shame. If they'd only named the field after the Gambinos instead of Citibank maybe people would take some pride in it.

Anheuser-Busch shook up Madison Avenue Monday by hinting Budweiser may pull out of Super Bowl advertising in next year's game. They want to focus their advertising on Facebook. Budweiser will be sorry when two-thirds of the people who click their ads turn out to be ten years old and To Catch a Predator surprises the CEO in the kitchen.

GOP adviser Karl Rove asked for privacy Tuesday after he and his wife Darby were granted a divorce. It was the second divorce for the Republican strategist. The reason that Republicans love families so much is because they have so many of them.

General Mills launched a new marketing campaign for Nature Valley granola bars this year. It's now the official natural energy bar of the PGA Tour. The label on the package tells you to consult a doctor if an erection lasts longer than four hours.

Honolulu's mayor lobbied Hawaiian officials Tuesday to name Magic Island Beach after Barack Obama because it was a favorite spot during his childhood. The president spent a lot of time on the beach as a boy. That's because the grade school wouldn't allow smoking.

President Obama put the U.S. Postal Service in charge of responding to an anthrax attack Wednesday. He likes symmetry. It makes perfect sense that postal workers should deliver the antidote when you consider that they're the ones who delivered the anthrax.

Brit Hume said on Fox News Sunday that Tiger Woods should convert from his Buddhist faith to Christianity as a way to change his life. The golfer is well on his way. He gave every comedian in the United States thirty minutes for Christmas.

Cuba reportedly enjoyed a huge number of U.S. tourists over the holidays even as Cubans remain barred from flying to Miami. Cubans have figured out an easier way to slip into South Florida. They hide inside bales of cocaine and wash ashore undetected.

Joe Lieberman demanded Monday the U.S. stop transferring terrorists from Gitmo to Yemen. They pass through a Saudi art school for rehabilitation. The art school has a work placement office but all they ever get anyone is a contract to paint swastikas.

The Burj Dubai opened Monday, becoming the world's tallest building at one hundred sixty stories high. No one's renting office or apartment space in it, and hotel floors are empty. Al-Qaeda calculated they can do more damage to the country by letting it stand.

TSA chief nominee Erroll Southers ran into a confirmation snag Monday. The former FBI agent once checked up on his estranged wife's boyfriends by looking them up on law enforcement databases. Now he wants to scan them at the airport and see how he compares.

The Washington Post reported Monday that the White House is fighting with the Pentagon over the president's plan to reduce the number of U.S. nuclear weapons. His stated goal is to abolish all nuclear weapons on earth. Up until Obama took office, only the Turks and the Armenians and the Arabs were still trying to fight World War I.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-6-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles fitness centers reported a big spike in sign-ups Monday as plastic surgeons found themselves booked solid. It's no surprise. Polls show last week's most frequently-made New Year's resolution was to get in shape for airport screenings.

Rush Limbaugh returns to the air Wednesday after suffering chest pains while he was on vacation in Hawaii last week. He said he was completely tested and there's absolutely nothing wrong with his heart. Liberals just can't catch a break this year.

Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas drew a gun on teammate Javaris Crittenton in the locker room over a gambling debt. No one was wounded in the melee. Gilbert Arenas is the best outside shooter in the NBA but thank God the locker room is inside.

Harvey Milk will be honored in California schools every May after a new law took effect Monday. The gay activist was slain in the Seventies. For one day a year every classroom in the state will replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the singing of YMCA.

Senator John Kerry checked into a Boston hospital for hip replacement surgery this week. It's his second procedure. After he lost to President Bush five years ago, Democrats thought John Kerry needed a hip replacement, so they got Barack Obama.

Congress agreed Monday to exempt the Amish from the seven hundred fifty dollar fine for not having health insurance. Chalk it up to special needs. When you call for an ambulance in Lancaster two guys in hats show up with the fastest horse in town.

President Obama returned to Washington from Hawaii on Air Force One Monday. He doesn't have to deal with airport security He's lucky he was elected president or he would still be at O'Hare Airport explaining those Indonesian stamps on his passport.

Tiger Woods lost his lucrative AT&T endorsement deal on Friday. He was calling fifteen mistresses every morning, texting them all afternoon, and having phone sex with them every night. AT&T had no choice, the employee discount was breaking the company.

The Sahara Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas closed two of its three towers in December. It's the economy. It's going to cripple the Nevada government unless they can figure out a way to put a hotel tax on people who sleep in their rental cars.

The U.S. and Britain closed embassies in Yemen due to terror threats Monday. It's really easy to recruit young terrorists in Yemen. They tell them they can do all the drugs they want without worrying about what they'll look like when they're sixty.

President Obama's rules for screening U.S.-bound passengers in foreign airports were reportedly widely ignored Monday. The poor guy. He lives with his mother-in-law, his wife and two daughters, and just once he'd like somebody to do what he says.

The Emir of Dubai opened the Burj Dubai Monday, which is one hundred sixty stories tall. The hotel, office and apartment building is half a mile high. You can't get to the top three floors without hospital-grade anesthesia and a record contract.

The Museum of Fine Art in Boston was reported Monday to be authenticating a painting believed to be by Leonardo da Vinci, who was a sculptor, architect, inventor, scientist, musician and painter. The more things change, the more they stay the same. The economy was so bad in those days he had to re-train every six months for a new career.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-5-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Russian scientists said they're working on how to stop an asteroid from hitting the Earth in two decades. The timing is no accident. Now that global warming's been discredited, asteroid deflection is positioning itself to become Al Gore's next passion.

Two and a Half Men starring Charlie Sheen enjoyed huge ratings on CBS last week after his drunken marital brawl. Marriage problems also helped David Letterman's TV ratings. If Tiger Woods hadn't quit golf the PGA would be outdrawing the Super Bowl.

The New York Post quoted Tiger Woods' close friends who say he's shopping for rehabs. There aren't that many to choose from. Addiction to cocktail waitresses is fairly common but the number of people who want to kick the habit is fairly small.

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach was fired for locking a player in a shed for three hours with no cellphone, BlackBerry, GameBoy, Twitter or iPod. It was harrowing. The teenager hasn't been alone with his thoughts in the dark since the third trimester.

The Rose Bowl will host the BCS title game between Alabama and Texas Thursday. The two Southern schools last met for the title in the early Sixties. This was back when the Confederate flag only had thirteen stars on it, long before the current forty-eight.

The White House resisted demands to profile passengers like the Christmas Day airline bomber. He's the son of a prominent African with a Muslim name and he graduated from a top school. Homeland Security computers had him cleared to board Air Force One.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared victory on Meet the Press last weekend, saying that the failed attempt to blow up an airliner proves the system worked. The remark blew up in her face. No one knows how she got this bomb past security.

European airports began installing full body scanners for all U.S. bound flights Monday. Great idea. They're going to look at the naked body of every passenger who wants to fly to the United States and anyone who's not good enough has to go back to the gym.

The CIA revealed that Muslim cleric Anwar al-Awlaki personally indoctrinated the Northwest Airlines bomber in Yemen as well as the Ft. Hood shooter. It's a classic Hollywood tale. A younger, better-looking Osama bin Laden is starting to take work away from him.

Northwest bomber Umar Abdulmutallab's website reveals he was frustrated by his desire for women so he agreed to blow his pants off. This is why we don't have homegrown airline bombers in the U.S. Promiscuous women are America's first line of defense.

Times Square was evacuated Wednesday over a suspicious van parked where the New Year's celebration would take place. The suspicion was unwarranted. The only common belief in both the Muslim world and Western world is that nothing can kill Dick Clark.

Dick Cheney ripped the White House for trying the airliner bomber in civil court and downplaying terrorism. He sounds like a candidate. Dick Cheney is determined to prove that Sarah Palin isn't the only way Barack Obama can be re-elected.

President Obama's people deflected criticism Thursday by insisting the airline security system was designed under President Bush. We all know this game. President Bush's people blamed President Clinton for not capturing Osama bin Laden, and President Clinton's people blamed his personal secretary for closing the office door.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-3-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was ripped Tuesday for responding slowly to the failed airline bombing. He did everything he could. When word got to him on the fifteenth hole that the country had been attacked he asked the next three groups if he could play through.

NBC chartered a jet to bring David Goldman and his little boy home from Brazil after a five year custody battle. The private plane's a good idea. The boy's first impression of life back home in America shouldn't be the cavity search at the airport.

The TSA made plans Monday to give air passengers full body screenings, inciting outrage by privacy advocates. The machines see through your clothes and take your picture, then file it. It's like trusting your security to an Internet modeling agency.

Democrats complained Monday that Republicans are blocking the nomination of the new head of the TSA because he wants to unionize airport security screeners. They simply can't be allowed to unionize. If they work any slower we'll all miss our planes.

New York La Guardia Airport passengers told reporters Monday they were furious over new intrusive security measures at airports. Everybody thought it was health care that would bring down the Democrats. That was before we knew they were going to make us take off our underwear in line at the airport and run it through the scanner.

U.S. marshals released photos Monday of the underpants worn by the airline bomber. Eighty grams of explosive powder caught fire instead of detonating in his underwear. The flight attendant didn't spill coffee on him so his crotch didn't burn.

Al-Qaeda's Said al Shihri and Muhammad al Awfi said they trained the Northwest bomber. Two years ago the two were released from Gitmo to Saudi Arabia, where they were put through an art therapy program. Dick Cheney arranged for them to be water-colored.

President Obama admitted Tuesday the U.S. had information on the airliner bomber that wasn't acted on. He cited human and systemic failures. President Obama may not get a four-year extension from the near-catastrophe but the producers of Twenty-Four will.

Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano drew ridicule Sunday when she said the system worked. A Muslim on the terrorist watch list with no luggage paid cash for a one-way ticket and was let on the plane. Only Elin Woods was more blind to a threat.

Illinois offered to incarcerate the Guantanamo detainees at a maximum security federal prison near Chicago last week. The situation is fluid. Their lawyers could get them in one of those country club prisons but they're too proud to turn Protestant.

President Obama went on TV for the second time in two days from Hawaii Tuesday to vow a review of airport procedures. The White House is fighting the perception that it's not serious about security. They could have people take off their underwear to get into a state dinner, but the policy didn't work out very well for Bill Clinton.

Senator Max Baucus became an Internet star Thursday when video surfaced of his slurred speech on the Senate floor for the health care bill, indicating he'd enjoyed a three martini lunch. Get into the spirit. This bill is either a tribute to Teddy Kennedy or it's not.

Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen Friday for assaulting his wife in a drunken brawl. It sends a strong message to young men. You are wasting your twenties if you don't wake up hung over every Sunday morning with a picture frame around your head.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-1-10

LA JOLLA--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

Enjoy part two of our look back at things that made us laugh in 2009.

JULY - Pope Benedict lectured President Obama on reproductive rights Friday. The pope opposes birth control and abortion and stem cell research. He used to be opposed to surrogate mothers until he decided it was too much paperwork to excommunicate Mary.

Walter Cronkite's funeral was held at St. Bartholomew's Church Thursday. It was very traditional. In the Episcopal liturgy the funeral service ends with a hymn, which is followed by a benediction, which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.

AUGUST - Joan Rivers was honored with a celebrity roast on Comedy Central Sunday that was vicious, personal and devastating. She looked delighted. When Joan signed up for President Obama's end-of-life-counseling, she didn't know she was going to get dinner.

Bill Clinton flew to North Korea and negotiated the release of two young women charged with spying Friday. The young women flew home to Burbank yesterday. The plane was met on the runway by Al Gore who negotiated their release from Bill Clinton.

SEPTEMBER - Tea Party protesters marched on the U.S. Capitol by the thousands Saturday where they protested bailouts, health reform and deficits. They want limited government, low taxes and liberty. Pigeons landed on them thinking they were the Founding Fathers.

Hawaiians rallied in Honolulu Tuesday demanding independence from the U.S. They maintain that the annexation of Hawaii was an act of U.S. and British imperialism which must be avenged. Maybe now everyone will believe that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.

OCTOBER - Rio de Janeiro was selected Tuesday to host the Summer Olympics in seven years despite President Obama's lobbying for Chicago. The committee had to go to the tie-breaker. Both cities are corrupt and sports-crazed, but Rio won because it is topless.

President Obama lobbied Congress hard to pass health care reform Thursday. The public option won't make it. His big applause line used to be that health care should be universal in a country as rich as America, then a year ago it started getting laughs.

NOVEMBER - Senate Democrats and Republicans battled over their competing views of health care reform Monday. Democrats approach health care the same way the Amish go hunting, they sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it. Republican health care is like one of those hospital gowns that ties in the back, you only think you're covered.

President Obama was greeted in Beijing by members of the ruling cabinet when he landed in China Friday. He's been president for ten months, it's about time he met with the owners. He was there to visit our money and try to negotiate its release.

DECEMBER - President Obama's poll numbers continued sliding Tuesday over angry opposition to health care reform, climate change rules and deficits. It's getting personal. Texas auto repair shops have begun giving out Nobel Peace Prizes with each oil change.

USA Today did a geographical survey of Tiger Woods's fifteen mistresses Friday and found that most of them live in Las Vegas. Five of them told the tabloids about their affairs with him. It turns out the only thing that stays in Vegas is O.J. Simpson.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio