Argus Hamilton's column for 4-6-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods plays in the Masters this week hoping to put his sex scandal behind him. It's been great for his home city. Womanizers and comedians come to Orlando from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly agreed Thursday to play the FBI founding Director J. Edgar Hoover in a movie. The actor is already researching the role. To get the mannerisms right he spent two days walking in high heels and wiretapping the Kennedys.

President Obama seized the student loan industry from a bank consortium called Sallie Mae. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in conservatorship and Sallie Mae's been nationalized. Sandra Bullock is suing all three of them for breaking up her marriage.

The San Francisco Giants honored Barry Bonds at the home opener Monday. His records will always be suspect. He has never admitted to taking steroids, but for the last four years of his career his baseball card picture was taken by Google Earth.

The New York Yankees played the Red Sox at Fenway Park Sunday and the game was broadcast live in China. The Chinese find the game exciting and suspenseful. They just assume that any ballplayer who argues with the umpire is taken out and shot.

The Vatican exorcist accused the New York Times Friday of doing the Devil's work. The paper is detailing decades-old priest sex abuse in Germany, Austria and Poland. The New York Times issued its standard reply that the crisis hits African-Americans the hardest.

Dan Quayle's son Ben Quayle announced in Phoenix Thursday that he will run for Congress. The timing was no accident. As a tip that the Quayle family will continue to remain comedian-friendly he made the announcement on April Fools Day.

The New York Auto Show opened Friday starring a new Mercedes-Benz that's six hundred horsepower and goes two hundred miles an hour. You can't buy it without a license to race internationally. If you don't have a racing license, there's always the Camry.

The White House said President Obama filled out his census form Thursday. It was the usual ugly scene. When he got to the question asking him to state his race, he accused the census form of doubting his legitimacy and called it a Tea Party trick.

President Obama flew to Maine Thursday and gave a speech to a packed auditorium in Portland extolling the eventual benefits of his health care reform bill. He had no trouble drawing a full house. The sign outside on the marquee said Now Hiring.

Senator John McCain demanded Thursday that the National Guard be dispatched to the Arizona-Mexico border. It's a fact that the U.S. is being invaded by a country that exports crude oil, cocaine and marijuana. We had more resistence to the Macarena.

Sarah Palin's Real American Stories debuted on Fox News Thursday with profiles of Toby Keith and Jack Welch. It hit a snag. Fox News pulled the segment on LL Cool J when the FTC pointed out that his name alone is two cigarette commercials.

Jeb Bush began giving political interviews Thursday, spurring rumors he may run for president. The talk radio crowd was overjoyed to see him. Conservatives are like alcoholics in their persistent delusion that the next Bush will turn out differently.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio