Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Beverly Hills Little League coach Hector Penate admitted his affair with Larry King's wife Shawn. He says Larry didn't care because Larry loved his wife's sister Shannon. Little Leaguers in Beverly Hills go to the games to watch their parents play.

Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren left him in Florida Tuesday and flew home to Sweden accompanied by their kids. How angry is she? A lot of women get mad enough to go home to their mothers, but how many will fly through volcanic ash to get there?

Las Vegas magician David Copperfield is no longer facing a sexual assault lawsuit after his female accuser dropped her claims Wednesday. He's free of all charges. An hour after his name was cleared, Ben Roethlisberger called and offered him a million dollars for the trick.

Pittsburgh Steelers star Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for six games by the NFL Wednesday. His return depends on a clinical evaluation this fall. If he's diagnosed by the psychiatrist as a danger to himself and others he could be moved to linebacker.

The Pentagon asked the White House to disinvite Franklin Graham from the National Day of Prayer breakfast. He offended Muslims by saying that Islam is evil. Once we gave up nuclear weapons it was just a matter of time before we renounced Protestantism.

President Obama spoke in Manhattan Thursday where he demanded Wall Street stop fighting reform. No reason for fear. Barack Obama is just interested in helping Wall Street, the same way a kid with a magnifying glass is interested in helping ants.

Denver was the site of a huge protest by advocates for the legalization of marijuana Tuesday on a holiday called by pot smokers. Many people are selling marijuana to earn added income. Half the church brownie sales in Los Angeles are self-perpetuating.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens was applauded Tuesday on his ninetieth birthday. He wrote the landmark decision giving Internet users absolute freedom of speech. He took pornography and gambling off the streets and put it on your Visa card.

Nancy Pelosi showed up at a Palm Beach fundraiser Sunday where there were more security guards than guests. Unions are furious at her. If there are more people in the cast than in the audience Actors Equity says the performance should be canceled.

General Motors announced jubilantly Wednesday they've paid back all government loans from the U.S. and Canada. Not everyone is happy. When GM announced it was back on its way to private ownership and profitability Barack Obama blamed it on the Bush administration.

The SEC sued Goldman Sachs on Friday, days before Barack Obama introduced his Wall Street reform bill. The timing just reeks. The government's case is so defective that if it were a Toyota they would be peeling it off the side of a mountain right now.

Earth Day was marked by enviro-friendly rallies across America Thursday. Earthquakes are destroying whole nations, a volcano just cost the airlines two billion dollars, and tornado season begins this week followed by hurricane season. Having a day to honor this planet is like making Osama bin Laden's birthday a school holiday.

Arizona enacted a new law allowing police to detain anybody suspected of being an illegal alien and deporting them home to Mexico. We've tried worker IDs, electronic beam fences and high-tech databases and they have failed. We could build a wall, but unless it's an iPhone app called Wall, the government doesn't think it's cool enough.



Copyright 2010 Argus HamiltonAll rights reserved.Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio