Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama fell to a forty-three percent approval rating Monday. He just reduced the U.S. nuclear arsenal, then downgraded the threat of radical Islam. Nike released an ad with the late Earl Woods' voice asking Obama if he's learned anything.

Tiger Woods angered golfers Wednesday by comparing his comeback to Ben Hogan's comeback after a car wreck. Ben threw himself in front of his wife to protect her during a head-on crash. He was with his wife, so it had nothing to do with Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods refused to apologize for his swearing at the Masters Sunday, saying that's how he feels about poor shots. He's a changed man. Tiger Woods has stopped pursuing Jack Nicklaus' records and he's begun listening to Richard Pryor's records.

Texas Stadium was imploded with a ton of dynamite Sunday. It was time to start over. The Dallas Cowboys stopped doing coke and dating strippers and shooting up nightclubs ten years ago and now Jerry Jones can't sell a luxury box to save his soul.

Prince Charles' wife Camilla Parker Bowles broke her leg Thursday while hiking in England. Their marriage was only recently possible. Things have changed since a Prince of Wales couldn't marry a divorced woman or have her shot if she breaks a leg.

Kitty Kelley began promoting her new biography of Oprah Winfrey on Monday. She previously wrote that Nancy Reagan and Frank Sinatra had sex in the White House and George W. Bush snorted cocaine in his dad's Oval Office. The good thing about Kitty Kelley doing a book about you is that sometimes she can find polyps and it will save your life.

Qatar's Ambassador to the U.S. was caught smoking in an airliner bathroom Friday on a U.S. domestic flight. Fighter jets scrambled after he joked he was lighting his shoes on fire. In America, you can go to jail for using a joke that's eight years old.

President Obama's approval ratings kept falling Friday as the Tea Party gained momentum. He's looking like a one-term president. The American people are grateful to him for pulling the country out of a hole but they don't intend to be sentimental about it.

President Obama had reportedly agreed Thursday to appear on American Idol this spring. This has been building for a year. He told his agent he's sick and tired of wasting his talents doing daytime television and he wants to go where the money is.

The Vatican marked the fortieth anniversary of the Beatles break-up Monday by forgiving them for doing drugs and claiming they were bigger than Jesus. The church leaders singled out Paul McCartney. They said they especially wanted to forgive the cute one.

House Democrats said they may summon Toyota for more hearings in Congress next week. Viewers love it when politicians get together with car dealers and lawyers. Whenever any one of them swears to tell the truth it gets the biggest laugh of the day.

Bank of America and JP Morgan Chase announced Friday they will hire thousands of new bankers and interns. Hiring the interns is a calculated risk. They think they will save more money on salaries than they will pay out in sexual harassment settlements.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference met in New Orleans, where Mitt Romney eked out a presidential straw poll victory over Texas libertarian Ron Paul by one vote. The GOP delegates were evenly split between a Mormon and a gynecologist. Is it any wonder Republicans are getting caught in bondage clubs in West Hollywood?




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio