Argus Hamilton's column for 4-1-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods announced Wednesday he will meet with the press next Monday before the Masters begins. At long last a brunette has surfaced. Late last night Sandra Bullock stopped by his home in Florida and asked Elin if she can borrow her nine iron.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he'll meet soon with Pittsurgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger. He's twice been accused by women of rape while bar-hopping. He's a valuable league commodity and when a guy that big tries to hop, he could break an ankle.

Californians collected enough signatures for a vote in November on whether to legalize marijuana, even though it's still a crime under federal law. States' rights could catch on out here. We already have separate drinking fountains for extras on film sets.

The National Drug Threat Assessment reported Friday that Mexico doubled heroin production last year. Mexican gangs distribute heroin, methamphetamine and oxycontin in the U.S. Our nation's next alcohol awareness program should emphasize how good it is.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt's wife Jamie sought one million dollars a month in spousal support Monday. It's all ego. She says she has seven mortgages to pay, and if she can steal home seven times she'll tie Jackie Robinson's season record.

The Labor Department reported the unemployment rate held steady Monday despite corporate job cuts. Even show business is downsizing. Last weekend a Sixties rock show in Los Angeles featured the Jackson Four, Two Dog Night, and a Righteous Brother.

Moody's warned Monday America's AAA bond rating could be downgraded a notch if the deficit isn't reduced. It was inevitable. The way Congress spends money like drunken sailors it was just a matter of time before the Treasury bonds ended up in AA.

House Democrats reported hostile receptions when they went home for the Easter break and heard voter anger over government spending. The rock-throwing has nothing to do with health care reform. When the Major League minimum salary is four hundred thousand dollars per year, everybody with a mortgage is showcasing for the scouts this spring.

Sarah Palin spoke Saturday in Nevada at a Tea Party rally against Senator Harry Reid's re-election. The crowd arrived by bus in his hometown of Searchlight. Democrats shouted racial epithets at a bus full of Tea Partyers, if Golfers can be considered a racial epithet.

Earth Hour prompted Americans to turn out their lights for an hour on Saturday to point out global warming. If you don't believe in global warming you didn't have to turn out any lights. A satellite view of the United States looked like the Las Vegas Strip.

San Diego police rounded up dozens of wild horses from Mexico Tuesday who were stampeding down the highway after crossing over from Mexico. It was the same old story. They came into the country on student visas and now we can't get them to leave.

White House social secretary Desiree Rogers quit Friday three months after her state dinner screw-up. An Iranian-American and his blonde wife crashed the state dinner for India. The worst thing is, when they arrived President Obama bowed to them.

The Real Face of Jesus on the History Channel featured a scientist using blood from the Shroud of Turin to project what Jesus Christ looked like. There's a surprise at the end. There was another mix-up in the DNA lab and he looks just like O.J. Simpson.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio