Argus Hamilton's column for 3-28-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Palm Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods flew to Georgia Monday where he played a practice round at Augusta National to prepare for the Masters. He's been treated for sex addiction. Sexual addiction is medically defined as the use of money to get even with junior high school.

California officials received enough signatures Friday to put the legalization of marijuana on the fall ballot. The effort took fifteen years. That's because the people who collect the signatures could never remember where they left the petitions.

The White House excluded private school and Catholic school children from next week's Easter Egg Roll. It's to protect them. The White House is also a workplace, and public school kids are the only ones who wouldn't be shocked by Joe Biden's language.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush visited Haiti's earthquake-smashed royal palace Tuesday. It was inspiring. Bill Clinton denied groping a statue of Venus and George W. Bush stood in the middle of the rubble and vowed that we will get whoever did this.

Beverly Hills plastic surgeons were flooded with calls from women seeking free breast implants Tuesday. Los Angeles women thought it was covered under health care reform. The signing of the bill was such big news that even the E! Channel reported it.

President Obama signed the health care reform bill on Tuesday. He's taken over the auto industry, banking industry and health care industry. As a child he used to play Monopoly by seizing the box and accusing the other children of scare tactics.

President Obama flew to Iowa Wednesday to try to get people to love his health care reform bill. He has until November. House Democrats are whistling Dixie if they think that the uproar is going to die down, and you know how they hate that song.

Florida challenged the Health Care Reform Act in federal court Friday. Critics say it's unconstitutional to force people to buy health insurance as a condition of citizenship. The only condition of citizenship is birth in the United States or Mexico.

President Obama signed a executive order banning federal funds for abortion. It's the deal he made with pro-life Democrats. Abortion foes worry that the order has lots of wiggle room, and wiggle room's all it takes to get pregnant in the first place.

Senate Democrats inserted a White House takeover of the student loan business from banks in the health care bill Thursday. It's the seizure of a seventy-billion-dollar business. Somali pirates want to take the summer off to intern on Capitol Hill.

Senate Republicans tried to pass a health care amendment Thursday that would ban giving Vi*gr* to sex offenders. It would save a lot. The drug costs two hundred dollars, which is ten dollars for the pill plus a hundred and ninety dollars for drinks and the room.

Sandra Bullock flew to Austin Monday to consider plans to divorce Jesse James despite the community property laws in California. He could claim fifty million dollars of her money after he cheated on her with a tatooed Nazi. Moviegoers love watching Sandra in romantic comedies with surprise endings you laugh about for weeks.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio