Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tom Hanks showed his HBO series The Pacific to President Obama Thursday in the White House. It's the true story of three U.S. Marines in World War II who killed a lot of Japanese soldiers. The timing is terrible, now it looks like Toyota's got a motive.

Toyota began a new advertising campaign Monday promising to fix their cars and thanking consumers for their patience. The automaker has never lied. Their last advertising campaign promised consumers that Toyota is the last car you'll ever drive.

Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant of Tiger Woods's mistresses, who competed by modeling lingerie and telling Tiger sex stories. Ratings were huge. If the Miss America Pageant wants a new TV contract they have their work cut out for them.

Tiger Woods hired former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer Tuesday to advise him. Ari can handle the media onslaught. What's a little adultery scandal when you can look the country in the eye and say Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?

The Royal Opera in London announced Friday it will stage an original production called Anna Nicole on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. Opera was never that big in England. No English tenor ever hit a high-C without accidentally backing into a spear first.

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco allowed God to stay in the Pledge of Allegiance. It was close. The judges were about to rule in favor of the atheists but then there were five major earthquakes around the world and they remembered how much trouble it is to drive around the bay to get to work every morning.

Moscow residents protested new Red Square billboards which show Josef Stalin smiling at the people. Stalin still has a following among people who want the government to take care of them. Two years ago he nearly won a U.S. congressional seat in New York.

President Obama spoke out for health care reform in St. Louis Wednesday. Many local politicians refused to be seen with him. When the Republicans see you as a socialist and Democrats see you as a smoker you can't even get a passenger for the carpool lane.

China announced Thursday it will hold college seminars on communist journalism given by Culture Minister Li Dong Dong. That's really his name. Eric Massa just offered China nuclear secrets if they'll let him study within arm's length of this guy.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reported Thursday to have been told last October that Congressman Eric Massa was living with young male staffers. He's become famous as a serial groper of male staffers. In the health care debate he favored Single Player.

The House Oversight Committee said Thursday the six billion dollars in bailout money loaned to GMAC will never be repaid. It's GM's finance company. GMAC had to pay that money out in executive bonuses to stay competitive with other financial firms.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy ranted Wednesday about the media caring more about Eric Massa than the Afghanistan war. What nerve. Patrick Kennedy comes from such a family of gropers that his grandfather Joe's hand played Thing in the Addams Family.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said Thursday he will sign a law which bans the U.S. government from requiring Virginians to buy health insurance, signaling thirty-four other states who are considering the same bill. You know what this means. When Sarah Palin becomes president, she will be able to see the Confederacy from her house.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio