Argus Hamilton's column for 2-5-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl security personnel began setting up for Sunday's game. They are worried a terrorist may walk into the stadium with a bomb. Osama bin Laden doesn't take it very well when he gets eliminated from the office Super Bowl pool by halftime.

House Republicans vowed Monday to block civilian terrorist trial funding. They blocked health care and they blocked cap-and-trade. NFL teams give quarterbacks an extra second in the pocket by requiring their offensive linemen to register Republican.

Indianapolis Colts center Jeff Saturday was reported Monday to have gotten rich investing in Jeff Foxworthy's production company. He's a shrewd businessman. The only investments that performed well in this recession are Philip Morris and redneck jokes.

John Edwards' former aide Andrew Young said Monday he was offered millions for a sex tape of John Edwards and Rielle Hunter that he owns. It's very raw. John Edwards can be heard on the tape making passionate noises and that's just while he's combing his hair.

Conan O'Brien got forty million dollars to leave NBC although his ratings were low and he wouldn't have lasted long. He's free to sign with Fox. The deal ended US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger's year-long reign as the luckiest white man alive.

Actor Rip Torn walked drunk through the glass door of a Connecticut bank at midnight and fell asleep on the floor thinking he was home. It was an honest mistake. The bank does doesn't own his home yet, but if his agent doesn't get him some work soon, it will.

John McCain urged Congress Monday to stop probing steroid use in baseball. The government will have to be involved one way or another. If you take steroids out of Major League Baseball, the game will have to be regulated as a prescription sleep aid.

Senator-elect Scott Brown was sworn into office on Thursday. The event took place on the Senate floor. There were two swearing-in ceremonies, a formal one for the history books and a naked one for Cosmo's Where Are They Now? issue.

The White House backed a plan Friday to bribe the Taliban to stop fighting. The thinking is, if we pay them a salary they'll put down their weapons. Twenty million unemployed Americans just announced they're going to take up arms and join the Taliban.

Democrats backed away from the White House plan to hold Khalid Sheik Muhammed's trial in New York. They say in unison that the sheik must get a fair trial even though he's guilty and must get the death penalty. Statements like this so poison the jury pool that E. coli is now the second-leading cause of nausea and diarrhea in America.

President Obama unveiled a four-trillion-dollar budget Monday. He pays for it with higher taxes and borrowed money and leaves a trillion-dollar debt. Parker Brothers has just decided to switch from Monopoly money to U.S. currency to save on printing costs.

The Weather Channel reported a foot of snow in the South Tuesday following the epic storm. It knocked out electricity everywhere. People who promote alternative energy forgot to mentions that windmills don't move for six days after an ice storm.

President Obama created a Debt Commission by executive order Monday. He wants them to find a way to cut the deficit and stop the growth of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. Six months from now the U.S. Surgeon General will issue a warning to every American that life without cigarettes and alcohol isn't really living at all.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio