Argus Hamilton's column for 2-23-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Texas U.S. Congressman Charlie Wilson was fondly eulogized as a ladies man after he died last week. He always said if he's ever caught with his pants down he won't blame booze and he won't suddenly find Jesus. They don't make golfers like that anymore.

Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Friday, vowing he will embrace Buddhism to aid in his recovery. The staged event was so narcissistic and self-centered it may have backfired. Buddha severed his endorsement deal with Tiger Woods the next day.

The PGA headquarters in Florida hosted Tiger Woods' televised apology to his trusted friends on Friday. He issued his declaration and refused to take questions. The question is, if Tiger Woods' mother is from Thailand, how did he become North Korean?

Spike TV announced Friday it will air a sitcom about a golf pro whose sidekick is an Hispanic caddie named Tiger who's a sex addict. There isn't really going to be a TV show. It's just that producers will look for any excuse to audition porn stars.

Hollywood porn star Joslyn James demanded a personal apology from Tiger Woods Friday in a nationally televised press conference from Los Angeles. Her attorney said this isn't about money. She's just publicizing her new movie, Debbie Does Augusta.

Dick Cheney brought down the house with his speech Tuesday to the conservative conference in Washington D.C. It let him release a lot of frustration. He's watched every Olympic event this past week and he has yet to see them snowboard one terrorist.

NBC's Winter Olympics upset American Idol in the ratings Tuesday, drawing thirty million viewers. Curling is a surprise hit. People always like to see something they never saw before and nobody under forty has ever seen a white person use a broom.

Vancouver organizers distributed one hundred thousand condoms for athletes and coaches in the Olympic Village this week. It's just wrong. The Westminster Kennel Club could tell them that they're missing a great opportunity to breed their champions.

Michelle Obama promoted her healthy foods initiative on Saturday in a Fox News interview with Mike Huckabee. She said she and the president like to play the board game Sorry with their daughters. They can't play Monopoly because it upsets the unions.

President Obama joked in Las Vegas Friday that he cut the deficit in half last night at poker by drawing a flush on the river. It fell flat. The environmentalists heard that he was flushing on the river and now he is in trouble with the Sierra Club.

The UN's nuclear watchdog agency warned Thursday that Iran is likely working on a nuclear missile. They're safe from attack. Iran's mullahs conduct a nationwide census every five years to find out exactly how many human shields live in the country.

The Pentagon is investigating if Arabic translators in the Army tried to poison the food supply at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. They thought they could poison Southern cooking. The terrorists gave up when they discovered there was no poison known to man that can survive that much animal fat or those fryer temperatures.

South Carolina state representative Mike Pitts moved to take the state off the dollar and place state currency on the gold standard. He points out the state's sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment permits the move. At the rate things are going President Obama's next bipartisan panel will be half-Union and half-Confederacy.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio