Argus Hamilton's column for 2-21-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued food and diet guidelines for America's schools Thursday aimed at producing healthier kids. Nutrition programs can be fun. It's an article of faith among college students that breakfast is the most important drink of the day.

Tiger Woods held a press briefing Friday to discuss his sexual recovery program. The game itself will help him get well. Golf is the only sport that allows you to spend all afternoon with three hookers without losing your wife and your house.

Ken Starr left Pepperdine to be the president of Baylor Monday. He nailed Bill Clinton for adultery and he stopped gay marriage in California. He chose Baylor because Saudi law doesn't permit foreigners to be Minister for the Prevention of Vice.

Jack Kennedy's love letters to Swedish mistress Gunilla von Post were auctioned Monday. They met during his honeymoon with Jackie. Fifty percent of Americans rank Jack Kennedy as America's greatest president but ninety percent rate him Best in Show.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman refused to greet President Obama Friday. They're natural competitors. The federal government and Las Vegas both take your money, the difference is Las Vegas will bring you a complimentary cocktail while they're taking it.

Dick Cheney called Barack Obama a one-term president Thursday in his speech to conservatives. He's right on time. If Dick Cheney doesn't overthrow a government every ten years, the Wicked Witch of the West kicks him off the flying monkey team.

Mitt Romney give a stem-winding speech ripping President Obama Thursday to the conservative conference in Washington. He has presidential front-runner written all over him. He looks like a game show host, he sounds like a televangelist and Big Love has been on HBO long enough for people to get comfortable with his religious beliefs.

Elton John gave a controversial interview to Parade magazine Sunday concerning Christian history. He said he thinks Jesus was a gay man. If Leonardo da Vinci had painted just one stripper at the Last Supper these kind of rumors wouldn't get started.

Texan Joseph Stack flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin Thursday. It's a threat to our national security. Every fifteen years a white guy snaps in the Southwest and gives young Muslim men at the airport a couple of weeks of low scrutiny.

Al-Qaeda was reportedly recruiting English-speaking terrorists Monday to carry out attacks in the U.S. The competition is gaining on them. After al-Qaeda ran up a big early lead in Americans killed, Toyota has responded with thirty-four unanswered points.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service launched a search-and-destroy mission Tuesday to eliminate the invasive Asian carp in Lake Michigan. Environmentalists are monitoring closely. It's against the law in Michigan to disturb a union burial ground.

UC San Diego students threw a party that parodied Black History Month called the Compton Cookout, which served fried chicken and watermelon and asked women to wear cheap clothes and start fights. Was anyone really insulted? There are so few blacks in San Diego they had to name it after an L.A. town in order to offend anybody.

President Obama appointed a bipartisan commission headed by Erskine Bowles and Alan Simpson to recommend ways to reduce the national debt. They'll either recommend higher taxes or spending cuts, but Republicans won't raise taxes and Democrats won't cut spending. The only thing that can save us now is a bookkeeping error.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio