Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Winter Olympics opening ceremony had a major technical problem Friday. The hydraulics malfunctioned and part of the Olympic cauldron failed to lift, ruining a solemn moment. The next day Toyota announced a recall of seventy thousand Cauldrons.

Saudi Arabia banned Valentine's Day Sunday, calling it a pagan holiday. Flowers, candy, and anything red were seized by Saudi government agents. Whenever oil dips below eighty dollars a barrel and candy stays high, these guys suddenly get religion.

The Weather Channel reported snowstorms across the South Friday, leaving record snowfall in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina and Georgia. The Deep South was covered in white. The Justice Department is investigating.

Mattel allowed people to vote for a career for the Barbie doll Tuesday and the overwhelming choice was news anchor. The blonde doll was introduced fifty years ago. That makes her twenty years too old for Fox News and ten years too young for CNN.

Alec Baldwin accused ex-wife Kim Basinger of egging on their daughter to phone paramedics on him to embarrass him before he hosts the Oscars. Kim Basinger will be at the Oscars, likely in the balcony. The restraining order says six hundred yards.

NATO launched an offensive against the Taliban in Afghanistan Friday. It's all very organized. The U.S. is in charge of ground and air, Britain's in charge of the tank forces, Germany's in charge of artillery and France is in charge of refreshments.

The White House invited Republicans to the president's health care summit next week. Health care reform is losing support among Democratic lawmakers. After weeks of consideration, the only thing they can agree on insuring is their own re-election.

President Obama told the country Saturday that he signed the Pay As You Go law to help reduce the deficit. He said responsible spending one of our country's bedrock values. That's another way of saying GM's new hybrid car is powered by your feet.

ABC News released a poll Saturday saying three-quarters of the American people now support the idea of openly gay people serving in the military. It's not that big an issue. When you think about it, how many Episcopal bishops are young enough to serve?

The Air Force destroyed a missile with an energy laser beam for the first time Friday. It's a tribute to our diversity. While everyone else's Germans are winning medals at Vancouver in the interest of world peace, our Germans are reverting to type.

American Airlines began charging passengers eight dollars for blankets. They're not trying to make a profit. They're just trying to recoup the cost of cleaning the blanket every time an underwear bomber tries to set off an explosion underneath one.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show was held this week at New York's Madison Square Garden. There was a lot less sympathy in the crowd this year for pouffed-up, pampered dogs that live on steak. Many of these dogs moved into doghouses they knew they couldn't afford and brought down the whole market when they couldn't pay the mortgage.

The Congressional Black Caucus was reported to be influence-peddling through its non-profit foundation, which is supposed to help black kids. Last year the Caucus spent more money on the caterer for one event than they did on scholarships all year. They've given up telling us Cleopatra was black and now they're saying it was Marie Antoinette.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio