Argus Hamilton's column for 2-14-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel showed a second blizzard hitting the Eastern Seaboard last week, closing airports and burying six states in snow. It's record-breaking. Al Gore just broke Bernie Madoff's record as the biggest con artist in American history.

Washington D.C. was patrolled by the National Guard Wednesday after a snow storm buried the city. It could work out. For the rest of the winter they'll be able to balance the budget by selling lift tickets to lobbyists who want to get to the Capitol.

Senator John Kerry vowed Wednesday to pass global warming legislation through the Senate despite the coldest winter in a hundred years. There's certainly no reason to doubt his judgment. This is the man who put John Edwards on the ticket and assigned him to carry the values voters.

New Orleans police warned women visiting the French Quarter at Mardi Gras they will be arrested if they flash their boobs. It's never all that certain they are women. Never pick up a hooker in the French Quarter if she's wearing a Super Bowl ring.

Tiger Woods ended his time at a sex addiction rehab in Mississippi Tuesday and went home. The treatment program is very structured. In one month they taper you off from twelve women to six women to three women to one woman and finally to midgets.

The America's Cup's first day of racing was delayed due to light winds off the coast of Spain Tuesday. This year the competition drew working-class protesters. If the Democrats had their way, all yacht races would begin a mile above Niagara Falls.

President Obama told Business Week Tuesday he doesn't begrudge people's success or wealth, adding it's part of the free market system. Liberals mustn't be alarmed. It is awards season in Hollywood and he's just trying to win a Razzie for worst actor.

Toyota's chairman Akio Toyoda apologized for the Prius with a sixty-degree bow of contrition Tuesday. Last week he bowed forty degrees apologizing for the brakes on the Camry. Next week when he's inside-out you'll know he's apologizing for the Lexus.

President Obama was miffed Thursday that Sarah Palin made fun of him for using a Teleprompter. He's extremely thin-skinned. Secret Service agents are now throwing themselves in front of comedians because they're expected to take a joke for the president.

President Obama met civil rights leaders in the White House on Wednesday. They want extra money in his jobs bill for hard-hit black communities. The president told them he fixed the Super Bowl for the Saints and that's as far as he's going to go.

Harvard Law professor Charles Ogletree said it's racist to call President Obama professorial. He said it's a code word for uppity. That's silly, have you ever in your life heard a Ku Klux Klansman or a Southern governor use the word professorial?

Kentucky's GOP Senate contest between Rand Paul and Trey Grayson crystallized Wednesday into a match-up between the Republican establishment and the Tea Party. There are no losers in a Senate race in Kentucky. Win or lose they all go out to stud.

Newt Gingrich told Comedy Central Tuesday the Underwear Bomber should not have been Mirandized. He knows something about this. The last time Republicans had an explosion inside their underwear Newt had to step down as Speaker and marry his intern.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio