Argus Hamilton's column for 1-17-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House saw polls showing Republicans may win the Massachusetts Senate seat Tuesday. Change is fleeting. The Tonight Show's going back to Leno, the home run record is going back to Maris, and Massachusetts is going back to the Protestants.

Sen. Harry Reid was forgiven by black leaders and President Obama for making racist remarks. It's forgivable if you're a Democrat. Yesterday Rush Limbaugh turned Democrat and aired two hours of Amos and Andy shows, and the FCC couldn't lay a glove on him.

New York Democrat Harold Ford defied Harry Reid Thursday and said he'll run in the New York primary for the U.S. Senate seat. Reid's afraid he'll win. He's light-skinned African-American who doesn't a have Negro dialect unless he wants to have one.

USC hired young Lane Kiffin away from Tennessee to coach the Trojans. He faces a real dilemma now. He just named his new baby boy Knox after Knoxville, so now to comply with NCAA rules he's got to wait a year before he can rename him South Central.

Conan O'Brien said Monday he'd quit the Tonight Show if NBC moves its time slot to midnight. He may move from NBC to Fox. In case he does, his writers are already in the archives, switching all their dumb-dumb jokes from President Bush to Joe Biden.

Mark McGwire cried while apologizing for steroid use Monday. He made a hundred million dollars his last five years in baseball and now he's groveling for a job coaching. That's how much the lawyers eat up when you have to testify on Capitol Hill.

Pat Robertson said Wednesday that Haiti's earthquake was God-commanded because the natives made deals with Satan. He tracks these things. The Sylmar earthquake struck Los Angeles the day after Charlton Heston lost the role of God to George Burns.

The London Sun said the next James Bond movie will be shown on three-dimension screens. The character is legendary. Anyone who tries to stop him gets killed and anyone who tries to copy him gets his car repossessed and winds up in Beverly Hills AA.

Democrats on Capitol Hill denied Friday that if the Republican wins the Senate election in Massachusetts Tuesday that they will refuse to seat him until after Congress votes on the health care bill. It's possible, if diabolical. Barney Frank angrily denied it and said this is the worst kind of conspiracy theory, which means it's true.

San Francisco Airport joined the growing list of U.S. airports Friday who called for full body scanners in the security gates at the terminals. It's long overdue. People in San Francisco are tired of having to guess who is circumcised and who isn't.

New York Mayor Bloomberg said Tuesday the trial of Khalid Sheikh Muhammed will cost the city two hundred million dollars for security and overtime. He could get off on a technicality. The safety lecture by flight attendants on every flight will now include the reading of everybody's Miranda rights in case there's a terrorist onboard.

Hillary Clinton met with Japanese officials Thursday to discuss the sixty-five-year-old U.S. presence on Japanese soil. They are a mysterious and industrious and talented society. To this day, Americans can't figure out why Sony doesn't make a car.

The U.S. Embassy in Pakistan said Wednesday U.S. diplomats are being detained and harassed as they travel around the country Pakistanis think that every U.S. diplomat they see is probably is a CIA agent who's about to call in an air strike on their village. The top reality TV show on Pakistani TV is called To Catch a Predator Drone.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio