Argus Hamilton's column for 1-14-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Jay Leno was moved by NBC back to his old time slot, causing speculation over Conan O'Brien's future. Comedians have a lot of competition lately. Anybody can get a laugh if they just stand in front of an airport screening machine and wiggle their hips.

O.J. Simpson was reported Tuesday to be pitching a comedy series to TV networks about his life behind bars. It's hard to believe but in the late Seventies polls named him the Most Admired Man in America. That's what America was like before drug testing.

Mark McGwire admitted using steroids to break Roger Maris' record, as Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's. Not everyone's a suspect. As long as President Obama remains thin, Americans will believe he is breaking the federal deficit record fair and square.

Rush Limbaugh walked into his studio Monday where he received a tempting offer from the Devil. Of course he turned it down. The Devil offered Rush a free pass from racial accusations for the rest of his career, but only if he becomes a Democrat.

Harry Reid was backed by the NAACP for complimenting Barack Obama as a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect. Of course they did. Any organization with Colored People still in its name would have to consider Negro dialect the King's English.

Republicans demanded Monday that Harry Reid resign after he referred to Barack Obama in archaic racial language. The GOP was in high dudgeon. The Republicans haven't had the moral high ground on race relations since Lincoln's second term ended in an actor's strike.

Senator Harry Reid was quoted praising Barack Obama for being a light-skinned black and having no Negro dialect. He was assessing his strengths and urging him to run for president. At the time, Barack Obama was the only black in the U.S. Senate and Harry Reid wanted to get him out of there before he brought down the property values.

The Pentagon issued a report Monday on the Ft. Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, saying that people missed all kinds of warning signs. You can tell by their conversation who's siding with the Taliban. Most people oppose the heroin traffic, while others support the medical use of heroin, but it's a red flag if they want to lift the tariffs on it.

Pope John Paul II's attempted assassin Mehmet Ali Agca will be released from prison Friday, thirty years after he shot the pope in Vatican Square. The Soviet KGB hired him for the hit. He was convicted despite the KGB's explanation that the pope fired first.

Sarah Palin joined the Fox News team Monday, signing a lucrative multi-year deal to provide news commentary. She's a pioneer. Someday history will say that Sarah Palin broke the color barrier and became the first woman on Fox News with brown hair.

Brit Hume urged Tiger Woods to turn from his Buddhist faith to Christianity to turn his life around. Buddhism has no concept of sin. The only reason the Motion Picture Academy hands out Oscars each year is because Buddhas are a little overweight.

Taco Bell began an advertising campaign on women who lost weight with their new menu of Mexican food. No one ever thought of selling drive-through food as a diet product. Half of all Americans are just an E. coli infection away from reaching their target weight.

A Beverly Hills company will build a cruise ship and sell the cabins as floating homes. It will dock at Cannes during the film festival, in Sydney on New Year's and in Rio during Carnival. For tax reasons it will dock in Nebraska for the rest of the year.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio