Argus Hamilton's column for 11-29-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking in a red zone in Beverly Hills Tuesday. His wife Maria was just caught parking illegally and driving while talking on her cellphone. People with things to do stick out like a sore thumb in this economy.

White House former press secretary Ari Fleischer was hired by the BCS Monday as spokesman to defend the Bowl Championship Series. It's a good hire. Only the guy who convinced us that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction could make the case for TCU.

Adidas ended its deal with a factory in New York and relocated a hundred jobs to Thailand. Right on time. Barack Obama promised to create jobs while he was on his trip to Asia, and sure enough the first hundred have just been created in Bangkok.

The U.S. Border Patrol reported success Tuesday stopping U.S. drug cash from going south to Mexico by using canine currency teams. The dogs have an uncanny ability to sniff out money. The government got them when Bernie Madoff had to sell everything.

Somalia's terror group al-Shabab was accused Tuesday of recruiting Somali Americans to fight for al-Qaeda in Africa. The country is past reforming. Somalis say they have plenty of room for Christian missionaries, right next to the mashed potatoes.

Captain Sully Sullenberger told NBC he's had rock star sex with his wife since his Hudson River heroics. Rock star sex? Why would anybody admit they're impotent due to cocaine use and using one of the younger guys in the band to stand-in for him?

Hollywood madam Michelle Braun said she hooked up Playboy pin-ups with wealthy clients out of the Playboy Mansion. It adjoins Los Angeles Country Club. Club rules say the mansion property's out of bounds but the mansion says nothing's out of bounds.

Climate scientists in England were exposed in e-mails admitting that they faked the global warming numbers. They also ridiculed the use of tree rings as proof the earth was warming. All they prove is that Al Gore is sixty.

Lou Dobbs hinted to reporters Tuesday he might run for president. He'd have to run as an Independent. He's pro-choice, so he can't get the GOP nomination, and he's a white male, so the Democrats won't nominate him for anything but a war crimes trial.

Charles Darwin was celebrated Monday upon the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of his theory of evolution. It's disputed. The Gallup Poll says thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution while ten percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

President Obama said Monday he will honor top science and math students at the White House. He wants to salute our smartest kids to spur national appreciation for academic excellence. These gratuitous attacks on Sarah Palin have simply got to stop.

Major Nidal Hasan said Monday he may cite mental illness as his defense at his trial. The taxpayers paid him ninety grand a year to do mental health counseling and now he admits he's mentally ill. It actually makes GM look like a good investment.

President Obama held his first state dinner Tuesday for India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and they toasted Martin Luther King and Gandhi. The White House hired a new florist whose centerpiece included English steel roses. If anybody at the banquet got the joke, America's unemployment rate went up the next day by one florist.




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Oprah Winfrey said she'll move to Santa Barbara because she can't stand Chicago's weather. Since the inauguration the city has lost their governor, the Olympics and Oprah. The pollsters have begun referring to Chicago as Obama's Iraq.

Michael Jackson won four American Music Awards in Hollywood Sunday. He left us in grand style. He was so high on Valium, Xanax, Percoset, Demerol and anesthesia when he died that he'll go down in history as the first person ever to descend to heaven.

Lou Dobbs said Monday he might run for U.S. president in three years. People who know him say he has way too much embarrassing personal baggage to run for public office. Comedians heard this and immediately started circulating Draft Lou petitions.

Governor Mark Sanford was accused Tuesday of using GOP funds to fly to Rio and see the mistress he called his soulmate. It's the clumsiest mid-life crisis anyone's ever seen. Colin Powell bought a red Corvette and hasn't been in one ounce of trouble.

Sarah Palin's Going Rogue sold out in bookstores Friday and Harper Collins had to print two million more copies. It makes you wonder. Imagine how many books Newt Gingrich would have sold by now if he'd taken his pants off for the cover of Newsweek.

The American Medical Association and AARP launched an ad campaign to reassure seniors about proposed cuts to Medicare in the health care reform bill. It may work. The calming letters include a month's supply of Prozac samples in the envelope.

President Obama chose to honor India for his first state dinner Tuesday saying it shows the primacy of U.S.-India relations. It's worth a try. Technical support just might improve if we have a special relationship with the customer service representatives.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon did a huge movie box-office of one hundred and forty million dollars last weekend. Young people have always flocked to movies about vampires. Everybody loves a bloodsucker until they get their first property tax bill.

The U.S. Senate began hearings into the Army's failure to flag Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Hasan. The rules are clear. The Army couldn't expel Major Hasan for vowing to launch Islamic jihad against American troops, only for having sex with them.

President Obama stood on top of the Great Wall of China in Beijing on Thursday and called it a magical sight. That's good manners. Five years ago President Bush stood at the exact same place and shouted out for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall.

L.A. Clippers announcer Ralph Lawler got suspended for a game for mispronouncing Iran after a Muslim season ticket holder complained. So much for looking for Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. He's been sitting courtside at the Clippers games all this time.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's attorney said Monday the sheik plans to use his trial to give his view of U.S. foreign policy. He's going to sit there and argue that the U.S. should bring its troops home from Muslim countries. Only the natural-born citizen clause in the Constitution prevents the sheik from leading the polls in New Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday Iraq might delay its January election because the parties can't agree on the allocation of parliamentary seats. Right now power sharing in Iraq means sharing a candle until the electricity comes back on. We've got them all reading by candlelight hoping that eventually they'll produce an Abe Lincoln.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God bless America.

Thanksgiving marks the day the English Puritans gave thanks for their survival in the wilderness as they colonized America. There's plenty we can be thankful for even today. If you can't pay your bills, be thankful you aren't one of your creditors.

Notre Dame put out feelers to Urban Meyer of Florida and Oklahoma's Bob Stoops who are both Irish Catholics. It's challenging at Notre Dame. If they give the quarterback a choice between running and throwing they could be denied Holy Communion.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy was banned from receiving Holy Communion by the Roman Catholic bishop of Rhode Island over his pro-choice votes. He doesn't miss it. The bars haven't been closed on Sundays in Massachusetts in thirty-six years.

President Obama pardoned a turkey at the White House Wednesday. The turkey was then shipped out to Disneyland where it'll live out its days at Frontierland. Only Americans would place wild game in the same park as Daniel Boone and call it a pardon.

Tina Fey noted Tuesday that a porno actress named Lisa Ann has played both her and Sarah Palin in separate adult movies. Most presidents have a body double for security. Sarah Palin may be the first president ever to have one for the nude scenes.

Senator Harry Reid scrambled Monday to buy votes in the Senate for the health care bill. He's offering bridges, dams and highway funds. When he offered Heidi Fleiss the job of Majority Whip she thought it was going to be something else entirely.

President Obama will honor India at his first state dinner Tuesday in a heated tent outside. Protocol will be observed as always. It's good they're holding the dinner out on the South Lawn because he plans to begin the evening by bowing to a cow.

New Yorkers protested Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's upcoming trial in a Manhattan court Monday. It's liable to be a platform for dangerous radicals with a history of violence. Dick Cheney will be on the courthouse steps every day demanding to testify.

The White House said Friday a swine flu strain has turned up that is resistant to Tamiflu. No one likes the medicine. Young adults in Los Angeles wouldn't take Tamiflu if you mixed it with vodka and grenadine and called it Sex in the Oxygen Tent.

President Obama's approval ratings sank below fifty percent in the Gallup Poll Friday. The poll only reflects his job performance as president. The public likes him personally but they disapprove of the way he is managing China's western holdings.

Denver car dealer Phil West made news Monday by putting up a billboard that demands to see Barack Obama's birth certificate and accuses him of being a Muslim. He felt he had no choice but to buy a highway billboard. Baby Boomers are tired of having our views ignored just because we don't know how to go online and post in a chat room.

Iraq's government offered young Sunnis and young Shiites two thousand dollars to marry each other. The idea is to reduce hostilities by having people from rival sects get married. If they can just stop fighting about religious differences and start fighting about sex and money they will be on their way to being a free society.

President Obama met with his Afghanistan war advisers Monday to formulate a strategy that will work in the foothills of the Himalayas. The steep terrain is all hiding places. Mountains are the reason people put their money in Switzerland.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Thanksgiving Day travel was predicted to be heavy by the Auto Club as American families gather this week. It's a tradition four centuries old. The first turkeys weren't wild, they just went crazy when they found out what we planned to do with them.

President Obama's job approval ratings fell below fifty percent after his Asia trip Friday. He didn't realize that bowing to the Emperor of Japan would bother Americans. It's incredible that he grew up in Honolulu and never noticed the big dent.

ACORN offices in Los Angeles were videotaped counseling an undercover journalist how to set up a prostitution ring with underage girls. The pressure's really on. Roman Polanski could be extradited any day now and Los Angeles has to prepare his welcome home party.

Los Angeles cops vowed Friday to shut down rogue medical marijuana shops. They are supposed to be collectives but many are making a profit. Medical marijuana is legal under an Obama administration order but making a profit's a shooting offense.

Senate Democrats proposed a tax on all plastic surgery procedures Friday. It's the nation's hobby. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills ordered her plastic surgeon to make her just like Jessica Simpson, so he gave her breast implants and a lobotomy.

Oprah Winfrey announced Thursday she will take the Oprah Winfrey show off the air in two years when her deal expires. Her success has changed America. People used to enter their daughters in beauty pageants if they wanted them to become rich and famous, now they feed them sugary drinks and send them on dates with sleazy uncles.

Congress will probe how the Army missed signs of Major Nidal Hasan's radicalism before he shot up Fort Hood. He preached terrorist doctrine and the Army didn't kick him out. The Army needs to redefine jihad as gay behavior so this never happens again.

Attorney General Eric Holder addressed an Arab-American banquet in Detroit. He promised them they'll never be profiled. He was speaking to an empty room because most of the crowd had not made it through the metal detectors and Geiger counters yet.

The House Armed Services Committee invited the Secretary of Defense and the Attorney General to testify next week about the decision to bring the 9-11 plotters to New York for trial. The Democrats were all on board until the phones started ringing. It took the people who were upset about the terror trials three days to get through because the phone lines were jammed by the people upset about the bow to the Emperor of Japan.

President Obama will pardon a Thanksgiving turkey on the White House lawn today. There's a big fight over where they're going to send the pardoned turkey to live out its final years. The Treasury Department and the Congress are full.

Sarah Palin told Fox News she thought Newsweek's cover photo of her was sexist and cheesy. It was a break for her. They pictured her in short-shorts, which is sure to appeal to the crucial voter demographic of males between twenty-one and death.

Sarah Palin drew huge crowds to her book signings when she brought her tour to Michigan on Thursday. The lines outside extended six blocks from the book store marquee. It was a stroke of genius for Sarah Palin to change her name to Now Hiring.

The Dubai Open was played Sunday on a brand-new golf course designed by Greg Norman. He explained that the sand in the traps was imported from North Carolina because the sand in Arabia isn't good enough for golf. Al-Qaeda was looking for one more reason in order to justify the Thanksgiving attack and Greg Norman delivered big time.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Pakistan troops defeated Taliban insurgents Wednesday and captured their towns on the Afghan border. The terrorists seemed eager and happy to surrender as they came running outside with their hands up. They think they won a free trip to New York.

Queen Elizabeth spoke to the House of Commons to open Parliament Thursday. The annual ceremony symbolizes liberty throughout the English-speaking world. The White House dismissed it as just another Astroturf protest against the change we need.

Hugh Hefner agreed to sell Playboy and give up control of the magazine for the first time since he founded it. This will change his life. Once you lose your power in Los Angeles to make people famous you're pretty much stuck with women your own age.

The White House reported five thousand more layoffs nationwide Friday. Perhaps the worst is over. Joe Biden pointed out the unemployment rate among turkeys may be high today but the day after Thanksgiving there will be a lot more jobs per turkey.

Sarah Palin's book tour came to Fort Bragg Monday, where the White House banned TV cameras to prevent any criticism of President Obama. The president is one fast learner. He wasn't in China for two days and already he's adopted their media strategy.

Attorney General Eric Holder was ripped in the Senate over his decision to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in civil court in New York. He said he didn't consult President Obama. He's trying to give the president cover in case things go horribly wrong, like for instance if the judge in New York decides to try the case under American law.

Israel began building new homes for Jews in East Jerusalem Friday, defying White House pressure. The president doesn't get it. If Hawaii had ever conquered anything, perhaps the president would know a little more about the principle of finders-keepers.

The White House cut the Hanukkah party guest list in half Thursday from eight hundred to four hundred. They said kosher food is too expensive and they want to cut costs. Actually, the president is a ham and they're only inviting rabbis who'll certify him.

Hillary Clinton attended Afghan President Hamid Karzai's swearing-in ceremony Thursday. We're propping up a corrupt regime that survives on the heroin trade. The first step of health care reform is to secure the United States an adequate supply of painkillers.

Senate Democrats added a tax on cosmetic surgery in the health care bill. It's timed perfectly to nail aging Baby Boomers. If they had taxed pot in the Sixties, coke in the Seventies and rehabs in the Eighties, this country would be solvent today.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius blamed George W. Bush Friday for her directive that women wait until they're fifty for mammograms. She said the breast exam rule was born on his watch. You know the Democrats, any boob they can't grope, they blame.

Somali pirates were repelled by gunfire from the crew of the cargo ship Alabama Friday. They seized the same ship last year and several pirates wound up dead. The Alabama defense is a prime reason why they're favored to end up in the BCS title game.

Al Gore's new book Our Choice features a NASA photo of Earth on the cover that shows four hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico. One's on the equator where hurricanes don't exist, one's spinning the wrong direction, and Cuba doesn't exist on the map. It's the same Photoshop program they use to show the jobs created by the stimulus bill.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-22-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama went on a tour of the Great Wall of China Thursday and visited the Forbidden City with Chinese leaders. The president's visit had a clearly defined mission. He went to China to visit our money and try to negotiate its release.

Farrah Fawcett left Ryan O'Neal none of her five million dollars when her will was read Monday. She left it to the guy who quarterbacked the Texas Longhorns when she went to college there. In Texas that is the equivalent of leaving it to the church.

Somali pirates were repelled by the U.S. cargo ship Alabama on Tuesday. The crew used rifles instead of fire hoses. Anything named after the state of Alabama can't turn the fire hoses on Somalis for fear of causing a national holiday for the pirates.

The U.S. Postal Service announced it lost four billion dollars last year despite laying off thousands. It can't be helped. Until it's legal to send pornography through the mail, the Postal Service will never be able to compete with the Internet.

Wall Street saw oil prices fall again Tuesday from shrinking demand. Americans have cut their gas usage by eight hundred thousand barrels a day. It's gotten to where child kidnappers are only abducting children who fit into their bicycle baskets.

GOP Senator Tom Coburn called Wednesday for the health care reform bill to be read on the U.S. Senate floor word-for-word in its two thousand page entirety. What a prankster. He made a bet with Robert F. Byrd that he would never live to see it pass.

The Department of Health issued a report saying women shouldn't get mammograms until they are fifty. It's arguable. It sounds heartless but we've seen how breast exams of younger women can cause false positives, unnecessary anxiety, and impeachment.

Joe Biden's motorcade got into a car accident Tuesday en route to do the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It was his second crash in two weeks. When he got home and told his wife that he'd killed again, she could only pray he was talking about the jokes.

Joe Biden flew to Las Vegas Monday where he was denied permission to play golf at a members-only country club. You can't blame the club. If anyone who took TARP money was spotted by the administration in Las Vegas they could all go to prison.

Senate Republicans ripped Attorney General Eric Holder for trying Khalid Sheik Muhammed in civil court. It'll take ten years. If Al Gore's right, New York will be underwater by then and anything that the sheik says will be thrown out of court again.

Lindsey Graham noted Wednesday the detainees headed for civilian trials in New York weren't read their rights, given legal counsel or habeus corpus. He's right. By the time this is over we'll be lucky if the defendants get fifteen yards for illegal use of airliner.

President Obama told NBC Wednesday Khalid Sheik Muhammed was tortured. He added he's confident the defendant will be convicted and put to death. He may be confident, but medical experts will be standing by at the courthouse in case the judge needs Tommy John surgery from throwing out all the evidence.

Senator Dick Durbin called for the Guantanamo detainees to be moved to a empty federal prison in Illinois Tuesday, citing all the jobs that would be created by housing terrorists there. It just isn't true. There's always a lot of talk about the jobs created to rebuild skyscrapers but then nobody ever gets the plans approved.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Newsweek tried to ridicule Sarah Palin Monday by printing a cover photo of her looking sexy in shorts. It may backfire. We just elected a great looking celebrity who knows absolutely nothing about this country and don't think we won't do it again.

Tiger Woods hurled his golf club sky-high into the gallery after he hit a poor tee shot in the Australian Masters. Souvenir seekers lunged for it. Of course they are in Australia so the golf club circled the crowd and flew right back into his hand.

Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams made an obscene gesture to visiting fans from his owner's box after Sunday's game. He was fined. His actions sent the wrong message to children--that you can drink all you like and still live to be eighty-six years old.

Oklahoma reportedly received seventeen million dollars in stimulus money to train kids to sing and dance in musicals. It's all political. The White House thinks the only way that the Democrats can ever carry Oklahoma is to turn the population gay.

New York Governor David Paterson ripped the White House Monday for its decision to bring Guantanamo terrorists to New York for trial. He said he's worried it might make New York a target for terrorists. Some guys are always the last to get the word.

U.S. health officials issued a recommendation Monday that women shouldn't have mammograms until they're fifty. It underlines the difference between the two parties. Whoever's in the White House, Republicans drill for oil and Democrats examine breasts.

Somali pirates captured a North Korean chemical tanker off the coast of Africa Monday. The same day they received three million dollars in ransom money and they released thirty-six hostages. Joe Biden said that should count as thirty-six jobs created.

President Obama walked through the Forbidden City in Beijing Tuesday. Chinese officials ordered everyone off the streets so he couldn't work the crowds. If you wondered why we couldn't beat these guys in Korea it's because they think of everything.

President Obama was badgered on Tuesday by China officials who fear U.S. deficit spending will trigger massive inflation. It's the same point Rush Limbaugh makes. With right-wing conservatives and left-wing communists on the same side of the issue, the GOP presidential ticket in three years is going to be Sarah Palin and Jane Fonda.

Senator Robert F. Byrd became the longest serving member of Congress in history Tuesday. He's been in Washington a long time. Sally Hemings's descendants can claim Thomas Jefferson as their ancestor but they're all dead ringers for Robert F. Byrd.

British soldiers in Afghanistan were advised Monday to buy off Taliban recruits with bags of gold. This is a proven method for winning allegiance. It worked on the Sunnis in Iraq, the autoworkers in Detroit and everybody ACORN registered to vote.

Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Hasan was described Tuesday as a really good tipper at the local strip joint. He spent all his money on strippers and now he owes a fortune for medical expenses and defense lawyers. Next time he's going to use a suicide backpack.

Libya's Moammar Khadaffi placed a want ad in newspapers in Rome for five hundred attractive women to show up at a hotel ballroom for money, and when they showed up he tried to convert them to Islam. He's pitching a reality show called Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist. They should have seen this coming when he traveled to Italy in a balloon.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama ignited a firestorm Saturday when he bowed low to the Emperor of Japan in Tokyo. Nobody's ever seen an American president do this. President George W. Bush once bowed low to Arnold Palmer, but he swears he was just picking up his ball.

Lou Dobbs announced Tuesday he's leaving CNN after thirty-nine years. He never stopped talking about illegal immigration and how it's taking American jobs. Lou Dobbs will be replaced by a landscaper from Mexico who'll read the news for five dollars an hour.

Sarah Palin was vilified in this week's Newsweek, featuring her picture on the cover. The magazine airbrushed out a blue bar and star banner in the photo, which indicated she has a son in Iraq. The editors thought it was a variation of the Confederate flag.

Jenna Bush told Jay Leno last week the White House is haunted, saying she heard ghosts late at night in the living quarters. White House servants told her that presidents from previous centuries haunt the place. If one more ghost orders President Obama to run and fetch him a mint julep he's moving across the street to the Mayflower.

President Obama answered questions from Chinese college kids Sunday which were carefully pre-selected by Chinese officials. They understand the importance of making sure everything's completely scripted. It explains why the NBA is so popular in China.

The White House decided Friday to try Khalid Sheik Mohammed in U.S. court. Many say the Justice Department is trying to put the previous administration on trial for torture. Why else would they name Bush the American as an unindicted co-conspirator?

Senate Republicans objected Friday to World Trade Center attack plotter Khalid Sheik Muhammed being tried in a Manhattan court, saying it will give al-Qaeda a platform where they can spew their ideology. They don't want it to spread. Public health officials are telling the bailiffs to make sure the defendants spew into their elbows.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez said Monday he will board planes and help seed clouds to try to get rain to fall on his drought-stricken country. He doesn't understand the consequences. Seeding the clouds could get him arrested under the Pee Wee Herman Law.

Ft. Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan was revealed Monday to have been a frequent customer of topless bars. So were the World Trade Center bombers. Part of al-Qaeda's training is a post-hypnotic suggestion to flip out at the sight of a butterfly tattoo.

Bruce Springsteen walked on stage in Michigan Sunday and told the audience how great it is to be in Ohio. It's sad to see Baby Boomers age onstage. Mick Jagger thinks that he's with a different woman every night and he hasn't cheated in two years.

Senator Dick Durbin announced Monday he wants terrorists to be transferred from Guantanamo Bay to an empty federal prison in Illinois. It's a good fit. The Arabs haven't won a war in a hundred years and according to FBI profilers, they're Cubs fans.

Butterball drew protests Monday over the way turkeys are slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner. It varies. Some farms wring their necks, while some farms run them through a shredder, while New Yorkers prefer to push them in front of a moving subway train.

NASA announced Thursday the Lunar Explorer discovered water on the moon in the form of ice amassed over billions of years. Scientists were jubilant. They found exactly what they were looking for, an excuse to fund NASA for the next twenty years.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama bowed low to Japan's Emperor Akihito when they were introduced in Tokyo Saturday. Earlier this year he bowed to Saudi Arabia's king. He could be impeached if he doesn't show the proper respect toward the makers of cars and gasoline.

President Obama landed in Beijing Monday to engage in high-level meetings with the leadership of Red China. This meeting was long overdue. For crying out loud, Barack Obama has been president for ten months, it's about time he met with the owners.

Sarah Palin kicked off her book tour Monday on Oprah Winfrey's show. Many people found the book aggravating. The book has no index at the end, forcing David Letterman to read the entire book so he could find out what kind of a curse she put on him.

Cheech and Chong will perform a tour in February to lobby for the legalization of marijuana. It didn't work out very well for them. If Cheech and Chong had moved on from pot to coke and stayed with they group they might have been president someday.

President Obama addressed Chinese students Sunday where he urged China to stop censoring the Internet. The Chinese government refused to televise his speech. They didn't want to infuriate their country by pre-empting their weekly dance contest.

The Justice Department announced Friday that World Trade Center attack plotter Khalid Sheik Muhammed will be tried in the Manhattan federal court downtown. It's not going to be a typical jury trial. The way it works is, the court will be called into session and if the World Trade Center comes out and sees its shadow, he will be let off.

New Yorkers were angry Friday about the decision to try the World Trade Center plotters in a Manhattan court. It's presents a huge challenge to the locals. Alex Rodriguez will have to elope with David Letterman just to get their names in the Post.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez vowed Friday to rid his country of golf. A ban on golf could cripple his nation's economy. In six months Venezuela will have no hard currency at all and that's just from Michael Jordan taking his wagering elsewhere.

Al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Alwaki told a Yemen newspaper that he exchanged e-mails with Fort Hood assassin Major Nidal Hasan. The FBI intercepted the e-mails and said some of what Hasan wrote was benign and the rest was protected by the First Amendment. As long as killing Americans is part of your religious belief, we must be tolerant of it.

Tiger Woods won the Australian Masters Sunday before the largest golf gallery in their history. His winnings include a three million dollar appearance fee, half financed by the Victorian government. When Australian lawmakers insisted that all stimulus dollars be used for minority hiring, this was not what they had in mind.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made a speech to U.S. troops in Baghdad Monday. He offered to meet all of them in the weight room the next morning. Anybody who wanted to get kicked out of the military could line up and be photographed with him without a shirt.

The New York Stock Exchange ordered all traders to get swine flu shots Friday to protect the other traders on the floor. The traders have resisted getting the shots. The government has been sticking it to them so much lately they don't have a good vein left.

The White House announced last week that U.S. unemployment is now over ten percent. It has resulted in a whole new set of social cues. Putting on your overcoat used to be a signal to your family that you're going out, now it means you're turning off the heat.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles magazine reported that young singles in Southern California prefer Internet dating sites over singles bars as places to hook up. They're fearless. The Internet is a place where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

The Centers for Disease Control reported Thursday that twenty-two million Americans have contracted swine flu in the last six months. All public venues are taking precautions. Disneyland has given Sneezy so many shots he is now known as Lenny Bruce.

The FBI seized four mosques as well as a Manhattan skyscraper owned by Iran's Alavi Foundation Thursday. It's a high-stakes game we're playing with Iran. The smart move would be to throw away the skyscraper and try for the flush.

The White House was slammed by Republicans for not spotting Major Nidal Hasan's jihadism. Blame it on worship of diversity. There's a growing nostalgia for the Bush Era, when diversity meant that we toppled governments of every ethnic background.

President Obama ordered an inventory of Army files kept on Major Nidal Hasan to find out who missed connecting the dots. He expressed radical Islamist views to co-workers, he e-mailed al-Qaeda clerics, and his business card had an acronym for Soldier of Allah. The on-hold music at the Pentagon now plays Asleep at the Wheel.

Harvard invited New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer to speak at a seminar on Ethics in Public Life. It was his first public appearance since he resigned. He was honored for not going through the hooker's purse when she went to the bathroom.

Bishop Tobin of Providence said Tuesday he may refuse communion to Congressman Patrick Kennedy over his support for abortion rights. It won't work. History shows that if you cut the Kennedys off from wine they just turn to prescription drugs.

New York Yankees legend Billy Martin's name was placed on the Baseball Hall of Fame ballot Tuesday. He greatly benefited from Truth in Advertising laws in the Seventies. They required that Miller Lite use real alcoholics in their TV commercials.

Sarah Palin kicked off her nationwide book tour by taping an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show in Chicago. Her ambition is obvious to all. She's trying to become the first celebrity to reach the best-seller list this year without a sex tape.

Carrie Prejean threatened to walk off Larry King's show Thursday when he wouldn't stop asking if her legal settlement with the Miss USA Pageant was affected by her solo sex tape. Viewers were shocked. No one's ever seen Larry King ask a follow-up question.

Columbia professor Dr. Lionel McIntyre slugged a female school employee in the face in a campus bar last week while they were discussing the issue of white privilege. He's black and she's white. It's a good sign that in the Obama Era people can sit down and share their feelings about race over a glass of wine and a knuckle sandwich.

Japan's Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama held a meeting with President Obama in Tokyo. The Japanese leader had campaigned on a pledge to force the U.S. Marines to leave Okinawa but now he's having second thoughts. With North Korea testing missiles and building nuclear bombs, an occasional rape is worth it for the security.

Lou Dobbs resigned from CNN Wednesday, prompting joy among illegal alien rights groups. It's resulted in a new holiday. Hispanics will celebrate Cinco de Mayo in May, Mexican Independence Day in September, and Lou Dobbs Resignation Day in November.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-15-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

South Carolina can't place a cross on their state license plate after a Muslim group filed a suit and won in U.S. court Tuesday. Security was tight when the ruling was announced. Everyone was afraid the South Carolinians would shoot up the courtroom.

The Fort Hood shooting split Republicans and Democrats in Washington over how to label Major Nidal Hasan. If he was a terrorist it was Obama's fault and if he was a crazy gunman it was God's fault. So either way the head of the party gets the blame.

Major Hasan's terrorist connections were uncovered just hours after he shot up Fort Hood. He was a mess. There were so many prescription drugs found in his home that a concert promotion company in Los Angeles wants to shoot a movie about his life.

The FBI found a large number of prescription drugs in the house of Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan Tuesday. This is bad. Now we have to sit through another entire list of possible side effects whenever a prescription drug's advertised on television.

Columbia professor Lionel McIntyre punched a young woman in the face and gave her a black eye as they sat in a campus bar debating the issue of white privilege. He's black and she's white. President Obama wants to invite them to the White House for a beer but perhaps they shouldn't have anything stronger than chocolate milk.

Los Angeles sheriffs apprehended a young woman Tuesday who was standing naked on a bridge above the Foothill Freeway. What a great place to live. Everywhere else people have to find out the temperature by driving by the electronic sign at the bank.

Bill Clinton incensed health care reform opponents Tuesday by calling them tea baggers. Newspapers said tea bagger is a vulgar phrase referring to oral sex. For all he's taught us Bill Clinton should forever be known as the Education President.

The U.S. Parks Service investigated the Secret Service when two of its VIP limos hit a pedestrian in Washington Tuesday. Message received. Now that the government owns General Motors they want to discourage people from walking and make everyone buy a car.

Chrysler issued a statement Monday vowing they'll double the sale of Chryslers in the next five years. It's a reachable goal. At the rate their car sales are falling it won't be long before Chrysler can double their sales by selling another one.

Lindsey Graham was censured by Charleston Republicans for helping Democrats on a climate bill. They say the senator weakens the GOP brand. He's in favor of compact fluorescent lights to save the planet, and compact fluorescent lights interfere with AM radio, and interfering with AM radio prevents the public from hearing Rush Limbaugh.

Somali pirates seized a cargo ship a thousand miles off the coast of Africa on Wednesday. These guys collect huge sums of money, pay no taxes on it and throw away every dime on drugs and women. In America, the estate tax prevents this kind of thing.

United Airlines fired a pilot Tuesday after he was arrested at London Heathrow Airport for trying to fly while drunk. No one was surprised. The pilot raised a red flag last week when he tried to land on the Hudson River while on approach to Phoenix.

NBC announced Wednesday that five of its prime-time programs are featuring green, pro-environmental messages in their scripts. It's obvious that NBC's parent company GE is trying to get stimulus money for the windmills they manufacture. If Jay Leno has to tell jokes only Al Gore would laugh at, don't blame the ratings on him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Heathrow Airport police arrested a United pilot for trying to fly while drunk from London to Chicago. He could have killed everyone onboard. President Obama urged caution, saying we should not judge all drunks based on the actions of one pilot.

Inside Edition reported that Michelle Obama is descended from a slave owner on her father's side. They said the president is descended from a slave owner on his mother's side. This explains why they can't stop watching Fox News and don't know why.

The New York Post said Alex Rodriguez has paintings over his bed depicting him as a centaur. They show him as half man and half horse. It proves that when Alex took steroids he was also violating the rules of the Thoroughbred Breeders Association.

Michael Vick was allowed to keep sixteen million in bonus money by the Federal Appeals Court. His previous team tried to rescind the money but the court ruled he had a valid contract. He only brutalized dogs, it's not like he made mortgage loans.

USA Today whined Monday that USC, Oklahoma and Alabama's football coaches make four million a year. They're worth it. Professors will make that much money when people pay a hundred dollars a ticket to sit in the bleachers and watch a history test.

U.S. Army Chief of Staff George Casey refused to admit Sunday that the Fort Hood shooter was motivated by jihad. He's afraid to make a comment criticizing a Muslim for murdering U.S. soldiers on U.S. soil. General Casey hopes to own an NFL team someday.

Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan's radical views came to light Monday. The FBI knew about him, the CIA knew about him, and the warning signs were everywhere. It didn't help when Barack Obama came to the memorial service and read My Pet Goat to the crowd.

President Obama called Major Hasan's rampage incomprehensible Tuesday. Plenty of people knew about him but no one did anything. After basic training, officers go to NBA referee school to learn when to blow the whistle and when to let them play.

Major Hasan was found to have e-mailed al-Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki twenty times. The imam is considered a rock star among jihadists. Anybody can drive a car into a building but not everybody can smash a guitar on the hood while they're doing it.

Iraq's government banned the sale of alcohol in Baghdad's Green Zone last week, completing a nationwide prohibition. Six years ago Iraq was the only Muslim country that allowed alcohol. No one ever considered the possibility that we invaded Iraq because President Bush was resentful that Saddam Husssein could drink and he couldn't.

Sarah Palin begins her book tour Monday to promote her memoir, Going Rogue. The book has been very lucrative for the GOP star. She's collected a million and a half dollars from the publisher and another two million from Tina Fey for the new material.

Miss California Carrie Prejean did talk shows Tuesday to explain a sex tape of her that's on the Internet. She said it was a private tape she made for her boyfriend. To make sure it stays private she went on the Today Show and gave out the website address.

The White House was reported Tuesday to be dissuading Democratic pollsters and consultants from appearing on Fox News. The request was met with silence by the consultants. They're willing to do anything for Barack Obama except turn down airtime.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Minnesota Vikings with Brett Favre entered November as the NFL's number-one draw in TV ratings. He's a white Southern cotton farmer from Mississippi and his television ratings go up every week. President Obama's starting to take it personally.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush canceled their upcoming debate at New York's Radio City Music Hall. It's for the best. The dressing room for the Rockettes is just offstage, and you would have to hit Bill Clinton with a tranquilizer dart to drag him out of there.

Germany celebrated the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall Monday. One thousand huge dominos fell over in sequence where the wall once stood. Americans thought they were watching the one-year anniversary of the fall of their retirement plans.

President Obama was hosting Indian chiefs at the White House when news of the Fort Hood shootings arrived. He began his remarks by flattering the last living war chief in the delegation. It was a wise move to prevent applause and cheers when he announced an attack on a U.S. fort in Texas.

The New York Yankees enjoyed a parade on Broadway on Friday before two million fans. There were no scandals this year. The Yankees won their twenty-seventh world title by returning to good old-fashioned baseball, the kind that's played on amphetamines.

Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai agreed to a U.S. directive Monday to clean up the corruption in his cabinet. He promised there will be no corruption in his new administration. That's why he's keeping his old administration, to be on the safe side.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez threatened to conquer Colombia Monday. Colombia is the primary supplier of coffee and chocolate and cocaine to the U.S. If you think we are dependent on Middle East oil, wait until Hugo Chavez slaps us with a buzz embargo.

Sammy Sosa came to the Latin Grammys Saturday with his skin bleached white and wearing green contact lenses. There's only one plausible explanation. This is the scene in Heaven Can Wait when Michael Jackson convinces the Boss that there's been a mistake, and he comes back to earth in the body of somebody who's been declared dead.

Bill Clinton addressed Senate Democrats Tuesday at their weekly caucus meeting. He was asked to answer questions about the history of health care reform. The senators wanted to know where the lifeboats are located and where the iceberg was last spotted.

Major Hasan's fellow soldiers said they knew the Fort Hood shooter was radical but they were afraid they'd be accused of discrimination against Muslims if they reported him. Political correctness has now killed more people than swine flu. The Health Secretary just asked Muslims to sneeze into their elbows until further notice.

Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan was an Army psychiatrist who flipped out and started killing people last week. The U.S. government paid for his medical school tuition, paid for his training, and certified him as a competent doctor. This latest foray into government health care is making everyone appreciate their HMO.

The U.S. Army said Monday Major Hasan will be tried in a military court and not by a Texas jury. Islam has enough martyrs. If a Texas jury got the case, for the next two thousand years Muslims would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks.

President Obama met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House Monday. The leaders discussed Israel's security, the problem of Iran, and Middle East peace talks. A comedian just needs ten minutes of material on the futility of Middle East peace talks and he will always have ten minutes of up-to-date material.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Ida began approaching the Gulf Coast Monday. Everyone is bracing for the destruction. The governors mobilized the National Guard, the people packed sandbags and President Obama called for multicultural understanding of wind and water.

Major Nidal Malik Hasan was revealed Monday to have contacted Al-Qaeda before he killed thirteen U.S. soldiers and wounded dozens at Fort Hood Thursday. He jumped on a desk, shouted Allah Akbar and opened fire. The FBI is still looking for a motive.

Sgt. Kimberly Munley ended Major Hasan's Fort Hood rampage Thursday. She faced him and shot him four times as he shot her in the leg. She's buying a display case for the Medal of Valor and retaining a defense lawyer for the hate crimes prosecution.

President Obama went on radio Saturday and asked for multicultural understanding after the Fort Hood shooting rampage by Major Nidal Malik Hasan. The president urged Americans not to express hostility towards Muslims. Until the misunderstanding was straightened out, U.S. troops in Afghanistan spent eight hours attacking the French.

President Obama skipped going to Germany Monday for the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. His heart wasn't in it. The assignment called for someone who's been a supporter of freedom and nobody's enabled more freedom than Bill Clinton's wife.

President Obama taped a speech to show to the crowd at the Berlin Wall gala Monday. He reminded the viewing audience he too made history as the first black president. The earth wobbled on its axis from the gravitational pull of three billion people rolling their eyes simultaneously.

U.S. Airways Captain Sully Sullenberger was named Grand Marshal of the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena on New Year's Day. The heroic airline pilot was a natural choice to headline the Rose Parade. You can't even say the word float without thinking of him.

Wall Streeters threw confidential financial files out their skyscraper windows Friday during the New York Yankees parade. They had no idea there was a parade outside. They were just doing the weekly evidence dump before the SEC comes by on their rounds.

Iraq's parliament Saturday scheduled an election in January to ratify U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq. Don't worry about voter intimidation. To ensure a one hundred percent turnout, they placed a referendum on the ballot to legalize same-sex marriage.

The Coast Guard seized five tons of cocaine in the Caribbean Friday worth over one hundred and thirty million dollars. The powder is worth three times what gold is worth by weight. It's got G. Gordon Liddy rethinking his whole investment strategy.

The EPA announced Friday that U.S. cities enjoyed the most smog-free summer ever this year. It's not healthy for everyone. Sixty-year-olds in Los Angeles were blinded this summer by staring at that yellow thing in the sky they'd never seen before.

The Beverly Hills Crown Plaza had a cougar convention last weekend where women in their forties exchanged tips on landing young men. It's a status symbol. More and more older women in Beverly Hills are wearing letter jackets to church on Sundays.

Sesame Street celebrated its fortieth anniversary on PBS Tuesday with Michelle Obama guest-starring. You can tell the children's show is funded with money from the government. The villain in every sketch is a soldier puppet named Private Enterprise.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama went to Capitol Hill Saturday and pressured reluctant Democrats to vote for health care reform. He told them votes like this are the reason they went into public service. Actually, they went into public service for the health insurance benefits and they don't want to lose their job.

Alex Rodriguez led the New York Yankees to World Series glory Wednesday. He shook off steroids, Madonna and strippers, and now he's a winner. President Obama just asked Kate Hudson if she would sit in the situation room while he thinks about Afghanistan.

Michael Lohan secretly audiotaped a call he had with troubled daughter Lindsay Lohan Tuesday and then posted it online. He said he was trying to publicly pressure her to rehab. He almost got away with it but he tried to sell advertising on the web page.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean dropped her lawsuit Friday against the Miss USA Pageant after pageant officials revealed they had a sex tape of her pleasuring herself. She wasn't doing porno. It was an audition tape for the Miss Cucumber pageant.

Glenn Beck was rushed to a hospital with appendicitis Wednesday where surgeons removed his appendix. Two years ago Keith Olbermann had his appendix removed. God just about has his Useless Organs from Both Ends of the Spectrum Chess Set completed.

Washington D.C. gift shop owners said Monday that Barack Obama commemorative souvenirs are not selling. The only item that's selling is a Christmas tree ornament with Barack Obama's face on it. People who love Obama say it's a chance to honor their savior and people who hate Obama say it's a chance to hang him from a tree and not get caught.

Mike Huckabee led the Gallup Poll of GOP presidential contenders Thursday. All the candidates have an inherent ceiling on their support. Huckabee's a creationist, Romney is a Mormon, Palin is a punchline and Jeb Bush comes from a disreputable family.

President Obama decided to skip Monday's celebration of the fall of the Berlin Wall. He's going to China instead. You only get a visit from Barack Obama if you buy U.S. bonds, run for re-election in New Jersey, or need an extra guy to make a foursome.

GOP congressmen rallied with Tea Party activists on the Capitol steps Thursday to protest health care reform. The wind is at their back. Conservative momentum is so strong it could propel Texas Christian to the top of the BCS college football poll.

GOP Congressman John Boehner told the Tea Party rally Thursday the health care reform bill is the biggest threat to freedom he's ever seen. Reaction was angry. Dick Cheney called him up and yelled at him that the weapons of mass destruction were real.

The Pentagon said an old priest and four senior citizens cut through two fences and got into a nuclear weapons site in Washington state. It was easy. When the guards saw a priest hanging out with people who were over the age of twelve, nobody suspected him.

Harvard announced Tuesday it will offer a course on HBO's epic series The Wire for urban studies. It will school Ivy Leaguers on the devastation crack wreaks on the inner city. For the rest of their lives, they can say they saw a series about it.

The U.S. Senate voted to extend jobless benefits to the unemployed and to extend tax credits for home buyers. The lawmakers couldn't pass it fast enough. The vote was unanimous, proving that handing out money to angry voters is the number-two form of self-defense in Washington D.C., after threatening to send the sex tape to TMZ.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-8-09

A note from Argus:
Due to my busy travel schedule, my column is changing from six days a week to five days a week. I'll no longer be writing a Monday column. The new schedule is Tuesday through Friday and Sunday. Thanks for reading the column!

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

George W. Bush's debate with Bill Clinton at Radio City Music Hall in February had to be canceled Friday. What a shame. When George W. Bush saw Rockettes printed on the dressing room door he would have thought he finally found the weapons of mass destruction.

David Letterman's ratings showed a huge gain in October following news of his office affairs. The next day ESPN executives issued a memo allowing office romances. The new best-selling drink at bars in Los Angeles is called Sex on the Desk.

Rhode Island lawmakers banned indoor prostitution Monday. Forty years ago they banned public prostitution and left a loophole for hooking in hotel rooms. It shows that no matter how small your state is you can still take business away from New York.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg barely won re-election Tuesday in a really close race. He spent almost two hundred million of his own money. It's the most money a New Yorker's paid for a squeaker since Eliot Spitzer stopped paying hookers to squeal like a pig.

President Obama had meetings Monday about what to do in Afghanistan. The White House said something must be done to stop the corruption. They're sending in two conservative journalists dressed as a pimp and a hooker to take down Hamid Karzai.

President Obama won't travel to Berlin for the anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. It's a scheduling conflict. He can't be in Berlin to mark the fall of the Soviet empire, he's got to be in China to initiate the fall of the American empire.

President Obama's governor candidates lost in Virginia and New Jersey Tuesday after he'd stumped for them. It strengthens his grip on Capitol Hill. Anybody who doesn't vote with him can expect him to come to their state and campaign for them.

President Obama revealed his daughter Malia got a seventy-three on her science test, then improved to a ninety-five. It's not easy being a politician's kid. Next week when he pushes for banking industry reform he's going to give out her PIN number.

Ohio voters legalized casino gambling on Tuesday after years of trying. Everybody is excited about it. Now that the unions and environmentalists have driven all the manufacturing overseas, there's nothing else to do but roll dice over what's left.

South Carolina sent a man to prison Tuesday when he was caught on video having sex with a horse. The owner said the mare had been acting strange lately. Horses don't usually mope around the barn and pick up the phone to see if there's a dial tone.

The New York Times turned down Archbishop Timothy Dolan's request to write an editorial on the Catholic Church's good works because he feels the paper only writes about priest sex scandals. He forgets something. The Bible is full of good works but Samson and Delilah, David and Bathsheba, and Sodom and Gomorrah is what drives sales.

Iranians marked their revolution's eruption thirty years ago Wednesday. On that day angry students rioted in Teheran, overthrew the Shah and took fifty-two Americans hostage. It's difficult to describe today the depths to which some people hated disco.

The White House ordered the shutting down of the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste site deep inside the mountains in southern Nevada. The cancellation is a huge favor to the Senate Majority Leader. Nuclear power doesn't contribute to global warming but the president decided it's more important to save Harry Reid than the Earth.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankee fans paid ticket scalpers twenty thousand a seat to watch Game Six Wednesday. The bonus checks cleared. If a bomb had fallen on that stadium every investment banker in New York would have been killed, for the second time in one year.

ABC's series V premiered Tuesday about a charismatic leader who comes from nowhere to charm American voters. He turns out to be a totalitarian space lizard who intends to eat them. Halfway through lunch the lizard dies belly-up from E. coli and swine flu.

USA Today reported Monday on all the new office etiquette due to the threat of swine flu spread. Rather than shaking hands, people are patting fists or touching elbows or bumping hips. At ESPN, normal office activity has been replaced by phone sex.

House Democrats said the health care reform bill is bogged down over the issues of abortion coverage, illegal immigration, and how to pay for it. These are unsolvable problems. They can't even agree whether Jerusalem should be the capital of health care.

White House adviser David Axelrod was interviewed by Bob Schieffer on CBS News' Face the Nation Sunday. He explained why President Obama hasn't yet made the decision on the war in Afghanistan, solved the vaccine shortage or fixed the economy. When he came into office he inherited an addiction to golf from the previous administration.

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Thursday showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier blood vessels. Wine works two ways for women. It raises their good cholesterol and lowers their standards.

David Hasselhoff will do a reality show with his two daughters that focuses on his binge drinking at home. Picture the suspense. At the end of every episode he threatens to cut the girls out of the will if they don't tell him where they hid the car keys.

Shaquille O'Neal made his debut as a Cleveland Cavalier in Cleveland this past week. He also applied to be a deputy sheriff. How can the government say there's no inflation when a man making thirty million dollars a year is forced to work two jobs?

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were in China this week to play in a World Golf Championship tournament at a golf club in Shanghai. Chinese officials were anxious to meet with them. They hold trillions of dollars in shaky U.S. bonds and so does China.

Australia opened an eight-hundred-mile-long golf course Monday that runs along the country's south coast. The course is a par fourteen thousand. Now that the stimulus bill is subsidizing golf carts, there's nothing left to restrain Republicans.

Andre Agassi credited his first wife Brooke Shields for helping him to achieve self-acceptance. They stay in touch. Late last night Brooke Shields woke up and reached over and ran her fingers through Andre's hair, and decided to give him a call.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg won a third term Tuesday by spending one hundred million of his own money. He spent thirty five thousand dollars an hour for a one-dollar-a-year job. That's how much people like to have good seats at the Yankees game.

The Congressional Black Caucus said black Members are being targeted for ethics probes. If Republicans are in charge they can't investigate because it'll look racist, but with Democrats in charge they must investigate or they look soft on crime. The Congressional Black Caucus just asked Newt Gingrich if he'd like to be Speaker again.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre was covered by one Fox TV camera aimed only at him during Sunday's Green Bay game. It broadcast his every word, his every expression and his every reaction on the Internet. By the day's end, half the country thought he was president.

President Obama refused to go to Berlin to help mark the twentieth anniversary the fall of the Berlin Wall next week. Why should he? It'll be a huge celebration of freedom triumphing over totalitarianism, and Tuesday night was tough enough on him.

President Obama was rebuked Tuesday in gubernatorial elections in New Jersey and Virginia. His wife and kids went to a show while he watched the returns alone. When they came home there was a bullet hole in the television and the dog was missing.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine got beat by his GOP challenger Chris Christie Tuesday. Corzine made fun of Christie being overweight in campaign ads. You'd think his pollsters would've told him that's no way to win votes during an obesity epidemic.

Virginia Democrats were swept from office Tuesday as Republicans won governor and lieutenant governor with fifty-nine percent of the vote. The joy was muted. You can't sing Dixie in this day and age unless you have carried sixty percent of the vote.

Ford Motors reported a stunning billion-dollar third quarter, igniting a rally on Wall Street Monday. It's the only U.S. car company that didn't take a bailout or go bankrupt. Now they're being shunned in the lunchroom for showing up the other kids.

Los Angeles police chief candidates were grilled by commissioners Monday about their record on police brutality. It serves a vital function in our eco-system. If Los Angeles isn't burned to the ground every twenty years there is no room for growth.

The Fox NFL Sunday football panel will broadcast from an Afghanistan military base Sunday to honor U.S. troops there. They'll be safe from the air. You'd think that a Predator would never attack a sportscaster if only out of professional courtesy.

Michael Jackson's This Is It was a giant box office hit Sunday, finishing ahead of Paranormal in ticket sales. Moviegoers will pay ten dollars to see dead people. Nancy Pelosi's poll numbers in Washington could be the start of a career in Hollywood.

President Obama declared Hamid Karzai winner of the Afghan election Monday. He walks around wearing a cape and twirling a cane, and his brother is a heroin kingpin. They look like a couple of undercover journalists trying to bust an ACORN office.

George W. Bush made the first of nineteen scheduled motivational speeches last week before a business convention in Ft. Worth. He's dangerously good at this. Every time he made a speech on television he motivated the Democrats to win another election.

CBS News reports President Obama has played more golf in nine months in office than George W. Bush did in his first three years. The president's playing partners say his short game is excellent. He thinks he can use a sand wedge to get out of Iraq.

Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi each unveiled health care reform bills which include the public option. One version gives each state an opt-out clause. South Carolina might vote for it if it's retroactive to the Civil War.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre was greeted by thunderous boos by Green Bay Packers fans Sunday as he ran onto Lambeau Field. The fans haven't forgiven him. The game was played under a full moon, and that doesn't count the ones he saw during the bus ride to the stadium.

New York health officials recalled five hundred thousand pounds of ground beef Monday due to E. coli. This germ doesn't kid around. The difference between E. coli and President Obama is that E. coli doesn't need two months to develop an exit strategy.

Harvard Professor William Wilson announced Sunday he'll teach a course on the HBO series The Wire. It's a vocational training course. The Wire teaches graduating seniors how to sell crack in the projects and still get Screen Actors Guild insurance.

White House adviser David Axelrod belittled Rush Limbaugh as a mere entertainer Sunday. He's become a real problem for them. It turns out that getting the whole country into green cars doesn't help the Democrats unless the cars don't have radios.

Curb Your Enthusiasm angered Catholics last week when Larry David accidentally splashed a portrait of Jesus hanging on a bathroom wall while the comedian was urinating. They had to make a few changes to get the scene on the air. Originally it was a portrait of President Obama, but the network thought that would be in bad taste.

West Hollywood launched an advertising campaign Monday to attract gay tourists from all over the world to the town. The timing is no accident. Now that health care's about to be paid for by the taxpayers there's no reason not to date in West Hollywood.

North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx said Monday that health care reform is more dangerous to America's freedom than terrorism. She sounded fed up. President Obama is a smoker, but being a good customer only takes you so far in North Carolina.

Hillary Clinton said Friday she seeks common ground between Arabs and Israelis in peace talks. Is this wise? Common ground between Arabs and Israelis only leads to six-day wars over water rights followed by a new round of jokes about Egypt's army.

Kellogg's was asked by health officials Monday to prove its advertising claims that Rice Krispies helps support a child's immune system. These medical claims for food are getting out of control. The free toy inside every box should not be a syringe.

Dick Cheney told the FBI seventy-two times that he can't recall details of how CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity got leaked by the Bush White House. It's perfectly plausible. He vowed he would never forget the World Trade Center attack and that takes up so much room in his brain he can't even remember where he left his keys.

President Obama congratulated Hamid Karzai for his election win in Afghanistan Monday. Ballot fraud and a canceled runoff gave him the election by default. When Obama sent him the recipe for Chicago-style last week people thought it was for pizza.

Arnold Palmer inducted the late President Dwight Eisenhower into the Golf Hall of Fame. Fifty years ago he installed a putting green and driving range on the White House lawn. One day President Obama will be inducted into the Swingset Hall of Fame.

President Obama met his Council of Economic Advisers at the White House Monday and discussed how to make green jobs. It's possible. The surest way to wind up with a green job nowadays is to go out on your lunch hour and eat a contaminated hamburger.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

WalMart announced Thursday it will begin selling discount priced caskets on its Internet website. The funeral homes don't mind. They figure once the government takes over health care there should be plenty of business to go around for everybody.

The World Series moved from New York City to Philadelphia Saturday. The Yankees went to Philly by train. They had to be at the ballpark on time and they couldn't risk the pilots landing them in Pittsburgh because the new Guitar Hero's so addictive.

Random House dropped NBA referee Tim Donaghy's book telling how refs fix games regularly. The league stepped in. Random House agreed to drop the book after the NBA commissioner told the CEO who is going to win the NBA finals for the next three years.

Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David angered Catholics with a scene Friday where he accidentally splashes a portrait of Jesus while urinating. They weren't trying to offend Catholics. They were merely fulfilling a product placement deal with Flomax.

The Olympic torch began its trip across Canada Saturday where it will wind up in Vancouver for the Winter Games. The world's top-grade pot is grown there. NBC Sports is hiring Michael Phelps to do Up Close and Personal stories about the harvest.

Breckenridge, Colorado, residents will vote today whether to legalize marijuana for adult consumption. This could revive small businesses on Main Street. It only legalizes possession of one ounce of marijuana at a time, which means that Costco can't sell it.

Andre Agassi gave an interview to People this week to promote his new book. He said he once wore a hairpiece while winning the French Open and it nearly fell off during the match. This happens at Grand Slam events all the time, but only at Denny's.

Federal regulators shut down nine banks Saturday in the worst day of closures since the economic crisis began two years ago. There is no reason at all for the public to be alarmed. The depositors won't lose a penny unless they're also taxpayers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi produced a health care reform bill on Thursday. She called opposition to the bill heartless. Democrats possess a finely honed sense of tragedy and outrage which sustains them through life's brief moments of happiness.

President Obama used his Saturday radio address to brag about the economy and the success of the stimulus bill. It's erratic. The number of layoffs in the auto industry are offset by all the people who are being paid to vote in New Jersey today.

President Obama released his visitors list with Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and Michael Moore's names on it. The White House said they're just people with the same names as the bomb throwers. All Bill Clinton had to say was that Monica Lewinsky was a visiting glass blower and he would have retired from office with his dignity intact.

Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani government Friday it's hard to believe they don't know where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Nobody's going to turn him in for the twenty-five million dollar reward. We're simply going to have to offer them Euros.

The White House hailed a rise in Gross Domestic Product Friday as evidence the economy's improving. No one was fooled. Things are so bad that parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names, Exxon Mobil had to lay off twenty-five congressmen, and Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

West Hollywood had its Halloween Parade Saturday with hundreds of thousands of people in the street. It's a combination Halloween parade and gay rights rally. To stop the spread of swine flu everybody was instructed to sodomize into their elbows.

Brett Favre returned to Green Bay on Sunday with Fox Sports covering his every move. It's the first time a camera followed one player all day. If they would do this to everyone, the Office Sex Network would have the highest ratings in television.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt stated in divorce papers that his wife Jamie had an adulterous affair with her driver. She and the driver went to Paris together in July. Early in any romance a woman thinks that her guy can drive on water.

New York officials announced plans Wednesday to remove three hundred and fifty thousand telephone booths from the streets due to cell phone use. Phone booths will become extinct. From now on, Superman may have to change clothes in a Radio Shack.

The USS Ramage accidentally fired three shots from a machine gun into a Polish port Friday while the destroyer was docked. This should settle the argument over whether the U.S. government is turning communist or fascist. We've just attacked Poland.

Canadian health officials on Tuesday proposed opening clinics where people can do cocaine legally. Mexico's government just legalized user amounts of cocaine and pot. Hollywood may have to legalize statutory rape in order to stop runaway production.

President Obama signed an order ending a travel ban on HIV-positive people last week. He seemed tense. Barack Obama has been in a foul mood ever since that beer commercial came on TV featuring the Most Interesting Man in the World, and it wasn't him.

The Pentagon recommended holding detainees in Charleston as they await trial for trying to overthrow the U.S. government. It's to make them feel at home. Charleston has statues in the town square honoring men who tried to overthrow the U.S. government.

President Obama held his seventh Afghan strategy meeting, and photos showed him with eight of his top aides seated around a White House conference table. You could see they were near a decision. Their eyes were closed and their hands were on the Ouija board.

Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani people Thursday that they aren't doing enough to go after al-Qaeda. Her visit to Pakistan was no accident. She wanted to make sure she was out of the country when health care reform got killed so she'd have an alibi.

Nancy Pelosi trotted out a health care reform bill Thursday. It's two thousand pages long. The first page states that the bill provides affordable health care for every American and the other nineteen hundred and ninety-nine pages list the exceptions.

The House health care bill requires that vending machines display the calorie count of colas, snacks and food items. It's the Puritan ethic at work. Young people can't learn early enough in life that pleasure without shame isn't really pleasure at all.

GOP congressmen were quick to point out that the Democratic health care reform bill contained the end-of-life counseling provisions. The health care bill would pay doctors to encourage Medicare patients to sign do-not-resuscitate orders when they go into the hospital. Where does Jack Kevorkian go to get his reputation back?



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-1-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt accused his wife Jamie on Monday of sleeping with her chauffeur, which she admitted. The team is downcast. Matt Kemp no longer lives under the illusion that he drove home the most runs for the Dodgers last season.

Andre Agassi admitted Monday he took crystal meth twelve years ago and lied to tennis officials about it. He just had to try it. Andre Agassi was always a great ambassador for tennis, but even he couldn't market the sport to the biker demographic.

WalMart began selling caskets on its web site Thursday which prompted fears by funeral parlors that they'll be undersold. The web site takes seven to ten days to ship. So if you order a casket, be forewarned it could be considered evidence of premeditation.

The White House on Thursday considered bribing Taliban rebels to switch sides and join the U.S. It worked on the Sunnis in Iraq two years ago and turned the tide. It means if Rush Limbaugh wants to own an NFL team he's going to have to switch sides.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood ripped the pilots who overshot Minneapolis last week. They knew they were in trouble upon wakening. They figured the only way to get out of it was to keep flying to New York and land safely on the Hudson River.

West Virginia was ranked the most sleep-deprived state by an AMA survey. There is a simple reason for the insomnia. West Virginia is rife with moonshine stills, pot farms and meth labs, and half the state sleeps while the other half stands guard.

The Interior Department refused Wednesday to recognize the Little Shell Tribe in Montana. It was worth a try anyway. To try to keep up with the profits from last year's high gasoline prices oil companies are trying to diversify into casino licenses.

Forbes ran its annual list of dead celebrities' earnings in the December issue Tuesday. It shows that Elvis made fifty-five million dollars last year and Michael Jackson has made ninety million dollars since he died. Paul McCartney just bought a gun to use on the next relative who asks him if he needs anything at the drug store.

Fidel Castro's sister Juanita said Tuesday she used to spy on Cuba for the CIA in the Sixties. The government wasn't kidding around. Bobby Kennedy used to spend an hour every day trying to kill Fidel Castro as part of his morning exercise routine.

President Obama compared Fox News to talk radio Saturday. He's mad because Fox didn't air his last prime-time press conference. In case a cataclysm occurs at the White House, one network must remain on air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.

Barack Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe wrote that Bill Clinton cost Hillary the vice presidency last year. It was the right call. It wouldn't look good in a time of austerity to have three shifts of food tasters working at the White House each day.

Nancy Pelosi released the House version of the health care bill Thursday which requires everyone to buy insurance. The Founders would be aghast. John Hancock never would have dreamed of asking for something like this and he was an insurance company.

The White House was cited by critics Tuesday for giving big Democratic donors access to the president's private bowling alley across the street in the Executive Office Building. People were horrified. It's bad enough that there's a bar in the Executive Office Building but a rental shoe counter is just plain undignified.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio