Argus Hamilton's column for 10-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama signed the Defense Dept. bill in the White House Wednesday. It's got a clause making an assault based on sexual orientation a federal crime. Democrats have produced the first Pentagon funding bill which makes it a crime to attack people.

Philadelphia Phillies fan Susan Finkelstein was arrested by Philly cops Tuesday for offering sex for World Series tickets. Her face is very familiar. She's always sitting on the front row among congressional guests at the State of the Union speech.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell addressed a House hearing on player concussions Wednesday. He said he's made it clear that medical considerations must always come first. If you don't publish the injury report promptly the gamblers will kill you.

San Francisco traffic became a nightmare Wednesday when a cable snapped on the Oakland Bay Bridge under the weight of rush hour traffic. A federal investigation is underway. They're trying to find out how al-Qaeda masterminded an obesity epidemic.

Roman Polanski's victim urged California courts Wednesday to drop the rape and sodomy case aganst the director. Dropping it wouldn't be popular. Americans, by and large, are very offended by sodomy unless it's performed by a licensed stockbroker.

The New York Times complained Sunday that President Obama only plays basketball with men during Oval Office workbreaks. Wise idea. The play under the basket gets pretty rough and if there's anything we've learned in the last couple of months it's that you can't have body contact with women at work unless you've got a talk show.

Steve Phillips checked into a rehab for sex addiction Tuesday after ESPN fired him for adulterous workplace affairs. It will be a learning experience. A rehab is a place where you spend forty thousand dollars to find out that twelve-step meetings are free.

President Obama lobbied Congress furiously to pass health care Wednesday. It's slipping before his eyes. His big applause line used to be that health care should be universal in a country as rich as America, then a year ago it started getting laughs.

Dick Cheney endorsed Kay Bailey Hutchison for Texas governor over Rick Perry on Monday. The stakes are high. If the Democrats hold their majority in Congress in the next election, whoever is the governor of Texas is likely to become the president of Texas.

Sarah Palin said in a financial filing Wednesday she got a million-dollar book advance for her memoir. Her family tree shows her to be a ninth cousin of Franklin Roosevelt and Princess Diana. So she is genetically pre-disposed to be hell on wheels.

Hillary Clinton flew to Pakistan Wednesday and dared the Taliban to have their rules suppressing women put to a vote. They believe women should be covered up. If they can't control Pakistan and Afghanistan they at least want to become governor of Arkansas.

The N.Y. Times learned that Afghan President Hamid Karzai's brother controls the poppy trade and he's on the CIA payroll. Now we know why our national interests are at stake there. Detroit must have made a clean energy car that will run on heroin.

Somali pirate attacks Monday forced merchant ships to begin arming their crews and training them for protection. The pirates hold up the ships for huge cash payments. Journalism may be dying but there's always good money to be made in writing ransom notes.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Mark McGwire was named the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach Monday. He retired from baseball the year before they began testing for steroids. Only Jack Kennedy showed better timing by getting shot the year before the women's movement got rolling.

The New York Yankees hosted the Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series which began Wednesday. The two cities aren't alike at all. The most popular sandwich in Philadelphia is the cheesesteak, and in New York it's David Letterman and two staffers.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie, saying she had an inappropriate relationship with a subordinate. It's believed she put her lover on the payroll in a phony job. The Dodgers are the only team whose ballboy wore an ascot.

Steve Phillips entered a rehab Monday after ESPN fired him over his adulterous office affair. He went to a rehab ten years ago after multiple office affairs. The workplace has gotten so hot Office Depot is now selling desks with headboards on them.

President Obama declared an emergency because of the rapid spread of swine flu Saturday. The spread is partly his fault. He tells everybody to sneeze into their elbow and then he comes out to Hollywood every two weeks to rub elbows with the stars.

The FAA revoked the licenses of the two Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot Minneapolis by a hundred and fifty miles last week. It happened at midnight. If Minneapolis had any nightlife at all the pilots might have seen the place from the air.

Chicago began offering cash bounties to people who turn in businesses that don't pay local taxes. The snitches will get a percentage of the tax money the city recovers. If they can spend it on the bottom of Lake Michigan more power to them.

The Church of Scientology was found guilty of fraud by France's high court and fined a million dollars Tuesday. Their reputation has been going downhill in France. Tom Cruise couldn't have picked a worse time to play a Nazi officer in his latest movie.

President Obama embraced a House bill Tuesday that gives the U.S. government the power to break up any firm it thinks is too big and dangerous. It could backfire on Democrats. This time next year there could be six little Fox Newses with six times as many beautiful newscasters covering the Secession Tea Parties from coast to coast.

State Department diplomat Matthew Hoh resigned Tuesday to protest what he felt was a rudderless Afghanistan policy. He said there is no clear mission. President Obama accepted his letter with regret and will decide within the month when he will read it.

The World Health Organization's ten-year study linked cellphone usage to brain cancer Tuesday. It's a useless organ anyway. The government is taking over all our decision-making and there's nothing on television but reality shows and car chases.

Sarah Palin filed a financial disclosure form Tuesday saying she was paid a book advance of over one million dollars by the publishers of her autobiography Going Rogue. It's really changed her life. She can now see Switzerland from her house.

The New York Post said Monday doctors from India are considering closing their practices in America and returning to India due to uncertainty over health care. It's for the best. Why should you put your life in the hands of a doctor who believes in reincarnation when a good old American doctor will make sure you live to pay the bill.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Arrested Development star David Cross admitted he snorted coke at a table near President Obama at the Correspondents Dinner. That's how high the fear level is in the comedy business today. Comedians would rather do lines near Obama than on Obama.

The N.Y. Yankees make their fortieth appearance in Major League Baseball's World Series tonight. It may be their last. The Pay Czar ruled that starting in January no one in New York is allowed to make more than two hundred thousand dollars per year.

The St. Louis Cardinals made news Sunday announcing they have hired Mark McGwire to be the Cardinals new hitting instructor. He'll be a great hitting coach. Too often they hit a vein when to generate real slugging power, you need to hit an artery.

Major League Baseball analyst Steve Phillips was fired by ESPN Monday when his twenty-two-year-old office mistress went public with their affair. The network's policy is very strict on this subject. Office sex is only allowed in beer commercials.

Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford ended his college career Sunday so surgeons can fix his shoulder. He passed up fifty million NFL dollars to play another year at Oklahoma. He could only have lost more money if he had bought condos in Las Vegas.

Fidel Castro's sister Juanita admitted in Miami Tuesday she worked for the CIA and spied on Cuba in the Sixties. She got upset when Fidel seized private property. Now that the Democrats have taken over Washington D.C., she's a woman without a country.

Osama bin Laden's former wife just wrote a book about what Osama bin Laden was like as a husband and as a father. It's a typical tell-all book. Why do ex-wives of celebrities always have to make the husband look like a pathological killer?

John Kerry left reporters cross-eyed Monday saying he understands the need for decisiveness and for caution in Afghanistan. He lost the presidential race when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.

President Obama tied President Bush's record for playing golf in office Sunday with his 24th round in nine months. He's so competitive. Last week when President Obama attacked Fox News he tied President Bush's record for unnecessary wars.

President Obama commanded federal agents to stop pursuing pot-smoking patients in states which allow medical marijuana. He has virtually legalized pot. It's not exactly the Let's Roll order that the U.S. commanders in Afghanistan were hoping to hear.

The University of Chicago disclosed it would someday like to be home to Barack Obama's future presidential library. The president was a professor at the Chicago Law School for a dozen years. He taught the How to Get Around Constitutional Law class.

Barney Frank said Monday his House Financial Services Committee is working on a bill to set up death panels for banks, which could seize their assets and wipe out shareholders. He's destabilizing the financial markets. This shows the damage that gay men can do if you don't let them get married, become priests or go into the army.

Northwest Airlines pilots who overflew the Minneapolis Airport revealed Monday they were on their laptops when they should have been landing. There were no passenger complaints about the delay. Luckily for the pilots the plane had just left San Diego, and between October and June nobody is in a hurry to land in Minneapolis.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney gave a speech in Washington D.C. last week and accused President Obama of going soft on Afghanistan. The former vice president may be a little resentful. Dick Cheney has long confided to associates that he would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie as CEO, citing inappropriate conduct with a subordinate. There's a reason why so many people are having sex at the office. They're afraid if they leave the office for even six minutes they'll be fired.

Florida topped the college football polls last week followed by Alabama, Texas and LSU. College football is a religion in the South. Last election all seventy-seven counties in Oklahoma voted for John McCain because Obama sounds too much like Go Bama.

The National Football League plans to air three games in a row on Thanksgiving Day. See it as a public service. The NFL wants to do all it can to keep relatives from talking to each other while there's red wine and a carving knife on the table.

President Obama declared a national emergency to battle swine flu Saturday. He said he needed to take unprecedented steps to counter the emerging pandemic. This allows the Health Secretary to shut down Fox News to keep people from being infected.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel attempted to ban Fox News from a White House press pool interview Thursday. The guy is a tiger. He's been called nasty, mean, temperamental and foul-mouthed, and that was just his mother bragging about him.

A Northwest flight caused a national scare Wednesday by going to radio silence and overshooting its landing site by a hundred and fifty miles. For forty-five minutes the nation held its breath. These stunts to get a reality show are getting out of hand.

The White House situation room monitored the Northwest Airliner which overshot Minneapolis by a hundred and fifty miles. The pilots were off radio and no one knew where the plane was going. The government was standing by and ready to move the president to a third-grade classroom where he could read to children during the attack.

President Obama demanded Friday that banks begin making loans to creditworthy people. He's back to community organizing. He defines creditworthy as anyone who wants to get a house loan to open a brothel to employ hard-working immigrant children.

The Justice Department raided the Mexican drug cartel La Familia Tuesday which netted tons of meth and cocaine and pot. The gang maintains its popularity in Mexico by only selling meth to Americans. Selling meth to Mexicans would destroy their nation's proudest tradition of taking off a couple of hours every afternoon for a nap.

Somali pirates began operating again in the Gulf of Aden Thursday. They seize huge ransoms from manufacturers, insurers and oil companies but pay no income taxes. They could win the Nobel Peace Prize for bridging the partisan divide in Washington.

The U.S. government formally petitioned Switzerland to return Roman Polanski to California. Karma is so slow. He took an underaged girl and he sodomized her and now he's going to prison, which proves once again that what goes around comes around.

Senate Democrats attached a gay hate crimes bill to a defense bill Friday to get it passed. It's a federal crime to attack someone for their sexual orientation. However gays still can't get married in forty-five states unless it's to Liza Minnelli.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney gave a speech Tuesday accusing President Obama of dithering in Afghanistan. The Pentagon has a strategy to get Obama to send troops. They're trying to learn Photoshop so they can super-impose Glenn Beck's picture over a map of Kabul.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt fired his wife Jamie McCourt as chief executive officer Thursday as divorce looms. Their marriage has been dissolving all season. Now we know why neither one of them criticized Manny Ramirez for cheating.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said steroids have a place in sports to help athletes recover from injuries. It's hard to see how steroids help NBA players recover from their injuries. Bullet wounds take a month to heal no matter what you do.

Pepsi removed its new cellphone application which promised to help men pick up women by posting the most successful pick-up lines in a running poll. It really backfired on Pepsi. Offering a girl some Coke was the top pick-up line in Los Angeles.

The U.S. asked Switzerland to hand over Roman Polanski to California authorities Friday. All the publicity is a reminder of life in the Seventies. Young people in Los Angeles had never heard of Quaaludes before and they didn't realize what Michael Jackson was trying to recreate by mixing Zoloft and anesthetic in his cocktail shaker.

The Gulf of Aden was ranked the world's most dangerous waterway on Friday after Somali pirates resumed action. It will remain the world's most dangerous waterway until Iran attempts to close the Straits of Hormuz. Strength of schedule is everything.

Senator Lamar Alexander urged Barack Obama to drop his White House enemies list and ease up on his media opponents. He's reminding every baby boomer of Nixon. It is only Hollywood's ban on blackface that keeps Frank Langella from getting this part.

President Obama suffered the worst drop in job approval ratings in fifty years last week. He's descended from eighty percent approval to fifty percent. The whole balloon flight was only intended to get him a reality show and he ended up president.

President Obama met with Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki Tuesday. He told the Iraqis that U.S. withdrawal is forthcoming. When Barack Obama announced he was running for president three years ago, he said he would have U.S. troops out of Iraq in thirty days, but people didn't understand yet that he only talks in Biblical days.

The U.S. Navy tested two new superfast battleships for speed Thursday which made sixty miles a hour off the coast of Maine. They kicked up a wake that looked like a tsunami. The White House forgot the Bush family goes back to Houston every Labor Day.

Northwest Airlines was red-faced Friday after pilots on one flight overshot Minneapolis by one hundred fifty miles before circling and landing. The pilots may have gone to sleep. At least when they're drinking on the job the flight attendant comes into the cockpit every twenty minutes to refill their glasses and make sure they're awake.

Wall Street slipped Friday on news of continued high unemployment, which reached twelve percent in Los Angeles County. It's a chronic condition nobody likes. The trouble with unemployment is, the moment you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

Wall Street traders blasted the White House order to cut executive pay of CEOs whose companies got federal bailouts. They think it will cause a brain drain in America's banking industry. Once there's nobody around who can remember the combination to the vault, all the Gingko in the world won't save the financial system.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-25-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama demonized Fox News as a form of right-wing talk radio Thursday in an NBC interview. The women on Fox News would be wasted on radio. They're so beautiful that men just stammer in their presence and hate Obama without knowing why.

Senator Lamar Alexander urged Barack Obama to drop his White House enemies list Tuesday. It's eerie. If Nixon has returned to earth as our first black president, it must mean he really did go to hell and is doing community service to work his way out.

The Philadelphia Phillies won the National League playoff series Wednesday. It wasn't without the usual controversy. President Obama could clinch the passage of health care reform if he would guarantee it covers optometry appointments for umpires.

Pope Benedict offered Episcopalians conversion to Roman Catholicism Tuesday if they're angry over New Hampshire's gay bishop ordination. The offer was laughed off. It's widely seen as an effort by the Catholic Church to recruit straight priests.

Los Angeles lifeguards spotted a Great White Shark north of Malibu Friday. The beach is where agents, directors, producers, and studio executives like to swim. All the shark could remember to do was to poke them in the eyes if they get near him.

The Journal of Family Issues reported Thursday that the more housework you do, the more often you have sex with your spouse. That's nice. Next week's study shows the more times you're on the House floor the more often you have sex with someone else's spouse.

Senator Max Baucus met with Democrats in the U.S. Capitol last week to merge the twenty-three-hundred-page health care bill. Every American ought to read it. It's so heavy that if you lift the bill three times a day you'll live to be one hundred.

The Justice Department announced a raid Thursday on the notorious Mexican drug cartel La Familia. The U.S. attorney general was outraged by the size of the cocaine haul. Those stimulus dollars are supposed to go to hard-working American drug dealers.

New Zealand scientists published a study Thursday proving owning a dog has the same carbon footprint as driving an SUV six thousand miles a year. It's shocking. It turns out that Michael Vick just served two years in prison for saving the planet.

Boone Pickens told Congress the U.S. is entitled to Iraq's oil due to sacrifices we made there. This could catch on. For the sacrifices we made in Afghanistan we get their heroin and for the sacrifices we made in Vietnam we get their Nike factories.

Dick Cheney slammed the White House for dithering on Afghanistan Thursday. He's also furious at the probe of CIA interrogators. Most of all he's angry that we just fired a missile into the moon's butt and didn't hit any of their terror training camps.

SMU admitted Friday its art museum owns two paintings looted by the Nazis from the Rothschilds. There are no plans for the Bush Presidential Library to leave SMU. As long as the paintings weren't looted from Saddam's palace, the library is still a go.

George W. Bush spoke in Montreal Thursday and urged the Obama administration to sell the government's share of banks and carmakers as fast as possible. He said the only way the economy's going to recover is if the government gets out of the private sector. When he undermined global capitalism, he meant for it to be temporary.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama declared war Monday on the Chamber of Commerce, Fox News, Wall Street and Rush Limbaugh. He's got an enemies list. Richard Nixon was so casually racist that no one can believe he's come back to America as our first black president.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was a one-man wrecking crew in the AL playoffs this week. He's smashing home runs left and right. In spring training next year the Dodgers are going to have all their players date Madonna and then break up with her.

The Surgeon General was asked by hog farmers Tuesday to give swine flu another name. You can't get the deadly flu by eating a pig but you could get it by kissing the pig. Jerry Springer had better tape ahead if he doesn't want to run out of guests.

ESPN's Steve Phillips' mistress wrote a letter to his wife confessing their affair. The New York Post printed the letter on Wednesday. The Sixth Commandment never had an enforcement mechanism til the tabloids began running a toll-free tipline.

Roman Polanski was denied bail in Zurich Monday as he faces extradition to Los Angeles. He's headed to San Quentin. Roman Polanski always said he'd like to be in the same room with Sharon Tate's killer and it looks like he is going to get his wish.

The Justice Department indicted Tarek Mehanna for plotting to kill Americans by blowing up a shopping mall. How would that kill any Americans? If you set off a bomb in a shopping mall right now all it will do is knock over a Christmas tree and a sale sign.

New York City's former police commissioner Bernie Kerik was jailed Tuesday for leaking jury-tainting evidence in his upcoming corruption trial. That's life in the Big Apple. One day you are on the cover of Time, the next week you're doing it.

The White House ordered banks who got bailout money to cut their executive pay in half. The bankers took a government loan and now they're going to be treated like slaves. The elevator music at Bank of America now plays nothing but Old Man River.

President Obama promised stimulus money to small businesses on Wednesday. He's about to let the Bush tax cuts expire, raise the capital gains tax and increase health care costs. Chicago politicians naturally think that once you're buried you'll vote for them.

President Obama said Wednesday Michelle used to ask him why she needed to take off work to care for their sick daughters and not him. She was just jealous. Think about all of the times he comes home from campaign rallies with lipstick on his shoes.

The White House hinted Thursday it may scrap NASA's Ares rocket program to send astronauts to the moon. It would be a mistake to cancel the manned mission to the moon. If we don't send in troops, last weekend's bombing raid will have been pointless.

President Obama again delayed deciding what to do in Afghanistan Monday. He is driving both the Pentagon and the peace crowd crazy. It's like the groom who spent all night sitting on the end of the bed telling his bride how good it was going to be.

Dick Cheney gave a speech on Wednesday lambasting the Obama administration for saying the Bush team had no strategy in Afghanistan. He said Obama doesn't have the nerve to put the Bush-Cheney strategy to win the war into effect. Only Truman did.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama declared war on the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Tuesday. He declared war on Fox News, the insurance industry and Wall Street the day before. Taliban fans are demanding to know how they dropped out of the top five without losing a game.

President Obama offered to change U.S. policy on Sudan Tuesday if it will change its ways. Slavery is legal in Sudan but Obama didn't call for its abolition. Rush Limbaugh was just barred from the NFL for the same position and he didn't even take it.

Pope Benedict announced Tuesday he wants to make it easy for Anglicans who are angry over gay clergy ordination to convert to Catholicism. It's part of his long-term plan. Germans of his generation never really gave up the dream of taking England.

Governor Schwarzenegger signed a law allowing an NFL football stadium to be built in the City of Industry. It's a factory strip. If Los Angeles were the world's most beautiful woman, the City of Industry would be the tattoo on her that you didn't know about.

Oprah Winfrey booked Sarah Palin on her show to help rebuild her ratings after her viewership crashed when she campaigned for Obama. Welfare reform changed everything. Today women with their afternoons free to watch television are all Republicans.

United Airlines pilots elected Captain Wendy Morse the first woman to head the airline's pilots union Monday. She's vowed to get laid-off pilots rehired. Right now they're having to live on federal drink stamps until they can get back in the cockpit.

The Beatles Rock Band video game was reported Tuesday to have sold six hundred thousand units the first month alone. It's evidence that older people are buying video games. By next Christmas the hottest new video game will be Grand Theft Tylenol.

House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel avoided efforts to dump him over ethics charges Monday. This is silly. Congress will launch a serious investigation into ethics violations just as soon as they can find a lobbyist who will pay them to do it.

Congress took the health care bill behind closed doors Monday to craft a final version. They must write the bill so that when it bankrupts the Treasury they will be able to say it was not their fault. Congress hasn't admitted anything since Hawaii.

Congress voted Tuesday to permit the transfer of Guantanamo terror suspects to stand trial in the U.S. It only allows detainees to come to the U.S. if they are not a security risk. Half the guys there were flown to Guantanamo just to balance the plane.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor said Monday the White House picked out the clothes she wore to her Supreme Court nomination announcement. They chose dark blue and black. It's administration policy that no one is allowed to look brighter than the president.

Justice Samuel Alito complained Tuesday that people keep asking him why there are six Catholics on the Supreme Court. If they change Court decorum it could cause trouble. A Baptist won't kneel to line up a putt much less to make a closing argument.

Los Angeles Superior Court banned the closing down of medical marijuana stores by police and sheriffs Monday. There's not a lot of supervision over who gets the drugs. One guy showed up with a note from his crack dealer ordering him to mellow out.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Colorado police arrested Richard Heene for staging the Boy in the Balloon hoax with his family. There's a moral to this story. If you want your kids to go into show business, make sure they know their lines before they go on the Larry King Show.

The White House called Fox News the propaganda arm of the Republican Party and declared war on the conservative network Sunday. You can see where this is going. After the purge trials there may be fewer Americans but they will be better Americans.

Target stores stirred up controversy Monday over their illegal alien Halloween costumes, which are selling out in the stores. Many people are absolutely outraged. First it's free education and then it's free health care and now they want free candy.

The Detroit Marathon was horribly marred Sunday when three runners died during the race in frigid weather. No place is perfect. The Los Angeles Marathon is always run in warm sunshine but we lose two or three runners a year to coyotes and French directors.

Rio de Janeiro television aired a spectacular gang shootout that killed twelve during a live newscast Sunday. A police chopper was shot down. The ratings were so good the Olympic Committee asked Rio if they could make helicopter downing a demonstration sport.

CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz cried in divorce court Friday when he testified how his wife wouldn't let him hang an oil portrait of himself in the den. She had to put her foot down. She came back from a trip once to find a statue of him in the driveway.

Senator Harry Reid found himself trailing big in Nevada re-election polls. He said he was misunderstood when he called George Bush a loser. That's a compliment in Nevada, where a loser gets free drinks, a free room and a free flight to Las Vegas.

Venezuela's dictator Hugo Chavez seized a Hilton Hotel and Casino on Margarita Island Friday to develop tourism projects within the socialist framework. He will be sorry. Nothing contradicts the notion that everybody is equal like a topless beach.

President Obama urged young people to volunteer their time and volunteer their service for the benefit of others on Friday in Texas. He wants people to work for free. He's given up on being the next Abe Lincoln and wants to be the next Jefferson Davis.

Nation of Islam's Louis Farrakhan on Monday called prostate cancer a conspiracy to kill black men. He was discussing his three prostate operations and was angry. He just learned that airport security screeners aren't qualified to perform this surgery.

Wall Street resumed handing out huge bonuses to investment bankers Friday when the Dow Jones passed ten thousand. Congress is just furious. They want to know why Wall Street profits are so high while their money under the table's remained the same.

The White House announced Monday it won't enforce federal laws against medical marijuana stores. The eight hundred stores in Los Angeles have become a real crime problem. The police don't know what to do about the epidemic of driving too slow.

White House communications director Anita Dunn was videotaped telling a college crowd her favorite political philosopher is Mao Tse Tung, the founder of Communist China. She said she turns to him often. She just took the lead in the White House competition to see who can make the best Republican campaign commercial for next year.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Colt McCoy hugged Sam Bradford before Texas beat Oklahoma on Saturday. He told ABC after the game he was sick with the flu. The only difference between war and college football is the Geneva Convention doesn't ban germ warfare in college football.

Edwards Air Force Base held a spectacular air show in California Saturday. The aerial show drew two hundred thousand spectators. It normally doesn't draw this well but they announced that all the planes were piloted by missing six-year-old boys.

L.A. Dodgers CEO Jamie McCourt said through her divorce lawyer Thursday the team is community property even though Frank McCourt is listed as owner. We know how this ends. The next series the Dodgers will be in will be called Jamie and Frank plus Nine.

A Los Angeles sperm bank began marketing sperm of celebrity look-alikes Friday so recipients can make their child look like a star. It's a financial winner. It will save your kid a lifetime of plastic surgery and the need for a college education.

Marina del Rey residents learned Friday a man sitting out on a high-rise condo balcony was dead and had been decomposing there for days. It all worked out. The money he won in the building's Halloween decorating contest paid his funeral expenses.

Brigham Young scientists identified broken bones found in Utah Friday as the bones of small dinosaurs trampled on by larger dinosaurs. They all died off and formed the earth's oil supply. Dick Cheney rented a motel room just to read the story.

The Treasury Department announced Friday the federal deficit neared a trillion and a half dollars as unemployment neared ten percent. Perceptions have greatly changed. Michael Jackson is looking less and less like a fool for taking hospital-grade anesthesia and more and more like a pioneer in the treatment of the Depression.

President Obama got roaring cheers from the audience at a Democratic dinner in San Francisco. He got great advice. Gallagher called and suggested he replace the TelePrompter with a silver balloon shaped like a flying saucer hovering over his head.

George H.W. Bush welcomed President Obama to his library at College Station. He owes them so much. Barack Obama would never have won the Nobel Peace Prize had the Bush family not enrolled us in the Invade a Country a Year program twenty years ago.

NASA showed photos of last weekend's lunar missile shot which pierced the moon in search of water. The planners want everybody to be able to live on the moon someday. Until now it has been just another exclusive spot where white guys play golf.

President Obama accused insurance companies on Saturday of scheming to protect their profits. The industry may have underestimated him. Insurance companies never thought in this day and age that a smoker would live long enough to become president.

Ted Turner said Thursday he wants to buy back CNN and he admitted that selling the network nine years ago was a huge mistake. He had a reputation for workplace sexual harassment and high TV ratings. They go together like Letterman and Late Night.

The New York Yankees benched Irish tenor Ronan Tynan, who became famous for singing God Bless America at Yankee Stadium during the seventh inning stretch, after he made anti-Semitic remarks. What an absolute ingrate. If Irving Berlin hadn't written God Bless America this guy would be in a dive on Seventh Avenue singing Dixie.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Osama bin Laden's first wife Najwa bin Laden wrote a book about the al-Qaeda leader's family and home life. She reveals that he was a very strict father to his son. If there was going to be a balloon, he'd better be in it, and it'd better hit a building.

Garth Brooks signed a deal with Steve Wynn Friday to perform at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas in the spectacular showroom. This show must be staged very carefully. When the audience starts firing their guns at the ceiling, it could kill the gymnasts.

A Los Angeles sperm bank began collecting and marketing sperm of celebrity look-alikes so recipients can make their kid look like any star they want. The reality shows are pretty much burned out on multiple births. Now they want multiple births of Elvis.

Bernie Madoff was reportedly the top-selling Halloween mask Friday. That makes sense. He's not the scariest costume but no one wants to trick-or-treat dressed as a sheriff because homeowners won't open the door if they think they're being evicted.

Major League Baseball had freezing playoff weather in New York and Philadelphia Sunday with a late-year World Series looming. It looks bleak. Joe Torre added one of Sarah Palin's sled dogs to the roster in case they need a pinch runner in mid-November.

Rush Limbaugh accused the White House of seizing control of the NFL Friday. It could be true. The president is still angry that when he gave his last prime-time speech the only two media outlets that refused to air it were Fox and the NFL Network.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Rush Limbaugh's past comments violate the league's high standards. The angels. Plaxico Burress just got two years for shooting himself in the leg with his own handgun in a bar, another senseless case of black-on-black crime.

Harrods in London began offering twenty-seven pound gold bars for sale Thursday after gold hit a thousand dollars an ounce. Each gold bar sells for four hundred and sixty-two thousand dollars. Only Shaquille O'Neal gets more money per brick.

Homeland Security made plans Friday to use facial recognition technology at big sporting events. This facial recognition technology is used at casino entrances to keep out cheaters. If they used it at the U.S. Capitol they would never get a quorum.

Homeland Security stripped Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio of his authority to make street arrests of illegal aliens Friday. This means Texas and Arizona may secede from the union, and you have to add South Carolina because they don't want to relinquish their title. Barack Obama wasn't kidding when he billed himself as the next Abe Lincoln.

President Obama was in College Station Friday where former President George H.W. Bush welcomed him to the campus. They had a great time together. The two presidents compared recessions, then broke out into the usual male argument over whose is bigger.

President Obama flew to San Francisco on Thursday aboard Air Force One. As the plane headed west it had to fly into one hundred and forty mile an hour headwinds. Al Sharpton accused the wind of being racist for opposing President Obama's progress.

President Obama attended a thirty-four-thousand-dollars-a-couple fundraiser at the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco Thursday for the Democratic Party. It was surprising they were selling tickets by the couple in San Francisco. President Obama's not in favor of same sex marriage but he has nothing against two-party checks.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-18-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson's kids Paris, Prince and Blanket were cast in a reality series on A&E by their family. They couldn't sell the show without the children. Nobody cares if Jermaine and LaToya fly off in a weather balloon and disappear over Colorado.

L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife Jamie separated Thursday. It won't be acrimonious. They own four homes in Bel Air and Malibu which they bought three years ago at the peak of the real estate boom, so at least there's no money to divide.

Columbus police detained a lady who offered to buy free stuff for everybody in a clothing store. She's being evaluated. For people like this there are only two outcomes, you either wind up in a straitjacket or you wind up in the White House.

Rush Limbaugh was dropped by a group trying to buy the St. Louis Rams Wednesday due to pressure from liberal groups. They picked him off clean. Once the dust had settled President Obama was named the winner of the Nobel Prize for Sharpshooting.

Rush Limbaugh was opposed in his bid to buy the Rams by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, prompting black players to threaten to boycott the team. It wasn't a fair fight. Jackson and Sharpton have been making anti-Semitic statements for years, but if all of the Jewish football players boycotted, it wouldn't even cause a timeout.

Garth Brooks resumed his singing and songwriting career Friday after he retired nine years ago to raise his three kids. His new material should be a great success. Millions of parents will buy songs about drinking with your kids after their soccer team loses.

PGA star Anthony Kim denied reports he partied until four in the morning at the Presidents Cup. He's got to pace himself. Young hot shots like Anthony Kim always learn eventually that the sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

The Chamber of Commerce launched a twenty-five million dollar ad campaign last week to sell Americans on free enterprise. The commercials aim to teach the public how jobs get created. President Obama called it the politics of personal destruction.

President Obama flew to New Orleans for four hours Thursday where he inspected hurricane damaged neighborhoods. The residents are dependent on the government for food, housing, health care and education. He said it is a model for the rest of the country.

President Obama proposed giving seniors a check for two hundred fifty dollars. They're thrilled. Half the seniors loved the idea, the other half have hearing problems and they think he's going to give them a chick for two hundred fifty dollars.

President Obama flew to San Francisco Thursday where he addressed a fundraiser despite protests. He's in a lot of trouble with the gay community for dragging his feet. Their view is if you can't execute the steps cleanly, get out of the dance troupe.

The Senate health care reform negotiations Thursday resulted in what was called the Super Bowl of Lobbying. The blood is in the water. Lawmakers were briefed that if the lobbyists got too close, just to poke them in the eyes and alert the lifeguards.

Hillary Clinton enjoyed a sixty-two percent approval rating in the Gallup Poll Thursday, making her more popular than the president. Things have changed in ten years. The last time she outpolled the president, she was swinging a real pole at him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Rush Limbaugh's bid to buy the St. Louis Rams ran into opposition Tuesday. It's a prized team. The Rams have lost fifteen straight games but because expectations are so high for them this year they've just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Football.

Wall Street partied Wednesday when the Dow Jones average made it back up through the ten thousand mark. History repeats itself. It's the second time in ten years that an intern scandal involving a comedian has sent the Dow up to ten thousand.

Brett Favre's TV ratings prompted the NFL to switch a New York Giants game next weekend so a Vikings game can air on NBC in prime time. He's a ratings sensation. CBS just offered the Minnesota Vikings their ten o'clock time slot five nights a week.

People magazine ran a cover photo of Jaycee Dugard, who was held a sex slave in an Oakland backyard shack for years. The sex scandals in California have gotten so creepy and weird. Roman Polanski was on the verge of coming home on his own when he was arrested.

Southern California faced the threat of massive mudslides Wednesday when heavy rains followed the brushfires by two weeks. Luckily nothing happened. If it hadn't been for the Mexican marijuana farmers re-planting so quickly the hills might never have held.

The Senate took the health care reform bill behind closed doors Wednesday where Democrats are trying to merge the two bills into one. One bill says there must be a public option and the other says there can't be a public option. The plan is to strip out everything except the congressional pay raise and pass it at midnight.

President Obama was introduced by the Transportation Secretary Wednesday to a crowd of cheering road workers. Presidents love to be introduced by people they appointed to high office. You just don't find that kind of objectivity anywhere else.

The White House hinted that immigration reform for guest workers and political refugees is next on its legislative list. Asylum seekers say they are determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability.

Arizona GOP Congressman Jeff Flake came back Tuesday from a week-long vacation totally alone on a tiny Pacific desert island. He was really roughing it. He slept for seven nights with nothing between him and the hard ground but a thin native girl.

Al-Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheik Muhammed faced transfer to New York Tuesday for trial and likely life in prison. How perfect. If he wants to spend eternity with seventy-two virgins he can start in the place where he is considered one of them.

George W. Bush gave a speech in South Korea Wednesday where he warned that North Korea is going to remain a problem for a long time. The former president raises the tension level wherever he gives a speech. His agent bills him as Johnny Applewar.

Wolf Blitzer fact-checked a Saturday Night Live sketch teasing President Obama for accomplishing nothing. He did it on his CNN show. The newsman had a cast on his wrist the next day in what experts are calling another senseless cheerleading injury.

The White House agreed Tuesday to a weapons inspection program which would let Russia inspect nuclear sites in America and count our warheads. This can't be good. Many of our missile silos are located near Colorado Springs, and when the Russians get to stay in the Broadmoor Hotel, they will realize they'll never catch up with us.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Pope Benedict named five saints Sunday including a Polish bishop and a Belgian missionary, a French nun and two Spanish monks. President Obama's application was refused. The miracle of growing lettuce on the South Lawn was mostly Michelle's doing.

The Pentagon loaded a missile onto a NASA launcher and bombed the moon's south pole on Friday. The moon had it coming. Last week President Obama's childhood home in Indonesia was flooded by high tides and he vowed that we will get whoever did this.

The Chicago Cubs filed for bankruptcy Monday to ease the team's sale to TD Ameritrade founder Joe Ricketts. The broker hasn't thought this through. The sale of the Cubs isn't even final and already he's being investigated by the SEC for losing on purpose.

The University of Michigan banned bags of all sizes from Michigan Stadium when reports surfaced of terror activity Monday. The terrorists must have gotten their instructional photos mixed up. Michigan is the After picture, not the Before picture.

Elvis Presley's hair strands will be sold at a Chicago auction Saturday. Women are lining up. Many people think that one day science will be able to clone people from hair, and what could be a safer longterm financial plan than being Elvis's mother.

Men's Health magazine released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they age. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are statistically less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.

Roman Polanski's lawyer said Sunday his client is depressed sitting in a Swiss jail awaiting transfer to Los Angeles. The world-renowned director needs a pardon from California's governor, and California's governor has a twenty-seven percent approval rating and needs his movie career back. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

The Senate Finance Committee passed a health care bill Tuesday. The bill would tax health insurance policies, tax hospitals, tax insurance companies, tax medical device makers and fine anyone who doesn't buy health insurance seven hundred dollars. Apparently Democrats have forgotten that we left England over a tax on playing cards.

President Obama met with Spain's Prime Minister Zapatero at the White House Tuesday where they discussed Afghan strategy. The prime minister didn't leave empty-handed. He took home Spain's royalty check for America's inquisition techniques at Guantanamo.

President Obama agreed Monday to give his million-and-a-half dollar Nobel Prize award to charity. He needed to give it away before it changed him. Three times his secretary walked into the Oval Office Monday and caught him listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Tuesday designating Harvey Milk's birthday a state holiday in California. It was a life cut short. He was gunned down by an assassin's bullet in San Francisco with three years still left to go in the Seventies.

North Korea test-fired five missiles Monday, coinciding with the arrival of the aircraft carrier USS George Washington in South Korea. The George Washington will patrol the Sea of Japan for awhile. All the ships named after slave owners have to stay out of the president's sight until the Republicans are back in the White House.

Hugo Chavez closed nine golf courses in Venezuela Monday, calling golf an imperialist pastime, as Cuba began building ten resort golf courses. Communists have a long and troubled relationship with golf. Half the East Germans who were shot going over the Berlin Wall were simply trying to recover a ball that had gone out of bounds.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Christopher Columbus was remembered in Columbus Day parades on Monday. History books nowadays greatly begrudge the man. They say Columbus was the first European ever to set foot in the New World, leading indirectly to the discovery of penicillin.

The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the St. Louis Cardinals in three games to win the National League Divisional Series in St. Louis Saturday. The TV ratings were huge. President Obama watched all three games and was named the series Most Valuable Player.

Paranormal Activity sold out at theaters Saturday by showing video proof of ghost activity. It spotlights the world's unexplained phenomena. The movie got a boost Friday when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize the same day he bombed the moon.

President Obama conceded Friday he was surprised to learn he had won the Nobel Peace Prize and had done nothing to earn it. That's how nervous the world is about the U.S. They will hand us a peace prize just for doing nothing for nine months, the same way Northern Europe used to thank God whenever the Vikings would stay home all summer.

L.A. Police Chief Bill Bratton made plans Monday to join a private security firm when he retires next month. He's done a great job. Los Angeles neighborhoods are so quiet that if someone's yelling at night it just means that El Salvador scored a goal.

Al Sharpton ripped Rush Limbaugh's St. Louis Rams bid, claiming he's racially insensitive. Is he nuts? The NFL teams are owned by thirty-two billionaires, and Rush Limbaugh's what they'd all sound like if their lawyers ever let them near a microphone.

President Obama held a closed-door meeting on Thursday with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He also had a closed-door meeting with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. After what's happened to David Letterman, it's pretty reckless to leave the door open.

U.S. citizen Luis Pena Soltren flew home to New York Friday forty years after he hijacked a plane to Cuba. He's safe now. Because of all the long lines at airports, baggage fees, body searches and three-dollar cokes, Americans now side with hijackers.

White House communications director Anita Dunn described Fox News as a wing of the Republican Party Sunday. She said that the Obama administration will treat Fox News just like any other opponent. They will apologize to them and sell them weapons.

Sarah Palin's supporters formed a fundraising organization called Stand Up for Our Nation to push her Silent Majority GOP electoral strategy. What else could they call themselves? The White House Plumbers has already been trademarked by Gordon Liddy.

Delaware Cub Scout Zachary Christie was suspended for having a camping tool in school. It was a Cub Scout knife-fork-spoon. It's one thing to encourage six-year-olds to eat fresh foods, it's another thing to send them out hunting during lunch hour.

The Treasury Department said Monday the Taliban's in excellent financial shape this year while al-Qaeda is deeply strapped for cash. It's easy to see why. The Taliban stayed in the heroin trade while al-Qaeda decided to market top-shelf liquor.

Hillary Clinton met in London with Prime Minister Gordon Brown to reaffirm the special relationship between the U.S. and Britain Sunday. The same day President Obama went to St. John's Episcopal, church of presidents for two centuries. The old slogan was Change You Can Believe In, and the new slogan is Change Back before It's Too Late.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma Sooners quarterback Sam Bradford and Florida Gators signal-caller Tim Tebow returned to action Saturday after being out with injuries. The pressure's off now. They can relax and concentrate on winning after Sunday's announcement that President Obama had won the Heisman Trophy.

The Pentagon tested a bomb on the moon Friday when a missile fired a TV-guided bomb into the lunar south pole. Congress never hesitated to fund the mission. Now that no one is getting away with adultery, they don't have any use for moonlight.

Bill Clinton played a practice round before the Presidents Cup at Harding Park in San Francisco Wednesday. It's a public course. Bill Clinton loves playing on public courses because he can hit a shot and not have to hear the Republican response.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine ran campaign ads making fun of his Republican opponent's weight. The governor likes to point out that he himself participates in marathons. He watched all eighty-six episodes of The Sopranos in a row over Labor Day.

The L.A. Dodgers had Hugh Hefner and three playmates recite the Dodger Stadium code of conduct for fans before Wednesday's game. What a mistake. When one of the girls told the crowd not to interfere with balls in play they couldn't restore order for ten minutes.

David Letterman didn't say one word about his sex and blackmail scandal in his monologue Wednesday to the studio audience's disappointment. They didn't want any jokes about health care. Once people get to know you, nothing's as funny as your life.

David Letterman's accused extortionist's lawyer appeared on the Today Show Tuesday. He says the comedian's office was a hotbed of sexual harassment. Whenever it was someone's birthday they would always get a cake and play Pinch the Tail on the Intern.

The U.S. Senate approved a resolution apologizing to American Indians for years of bad policies and for acts of violence. These reparations never end. Every time the Cowboys defeat the Redskins somebody else has to get a casino license.

Alaskans each received a thirteen-hundred-dollar check Thursday as their share of Alaska's oil revenues. Environmentalists want to keep it a secret. If California had this arrangement children would be building oil rigs on the beaches instead of sand castles.

President Obama held meetings with his national security advisers Friday. They discussed having the Taliban take part in the governing of Afghanistan. They believe women should be covered up, and you have to admit they've never been blackmailed.

President Obama made plans Friday to attend the Pacific Rim leaders conference in Singapore. It's a wealthy city where they cane people for minor violations of public order. It's just one more city that finished ahead of Chicago for the Olympics.

The Senate Finance Committee will vote today on a health care bill that forces Americans to buy insurance as a condition of living in America. The public won't be thrilled. We liberated the Iraqis from something that wasn't one-tenth this repressive.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Tuesday it's important for parents to get their kids vaccinated for swine flu. She's right. We can't afford to lose even one young worker when we've got a debt this high and Nike's the only one that's hiring.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Helen Keller was honored by Congress Thursday with a statue of her as a child in the Capitol. She couldn't hear, she couldn't see and she couldn't say anything. She will stand just outside the Ethics Committee hearing room like a third base coach.

Dave Letterman apologized to his wife on the air Tuesday and said he would try to fix his marriage. He vowed that he will never have sex with a co-worker again. This is the kind of loophole Bill Clinton used to look for in the Book of Deuteronomy.

Rush Limbaugh admitted Monday that he's trying to buy the St. Louis Rams of the National Football League. It's logical. If you have two hundred million dollars and you want to be a dictator you have two choices, run for president or buy an NFL team.

All Nippon Air told passengers Tuesday to empty their bladders before boarding to lighten the airplane and save fuel. Let's hope this doesn't catch on. It just means more witnesses in the men's room the next time Larry Craig wants to meet somebody.

Jesse Jackson blamed Chicago's Olympics loss on the world's hatred of George W. Bush. We're still in Iraq and Afghanistan, we're still in a recession and we still haven't shut down Guantanamo. When the IOC considered the U.S. bid, they thought Bush was still president.

Tom DeLay said Tuesday he didn't know if President Obama was born in the United States. He pointed out that the president would have to produce a birth certificate to play Little League baseball. What he didn't say was that anyone can send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Dominican Republic and get one back by return mail.

President Obama told Iraq's president Jalal Talabani the U.S. remains committed to helping Iraq build its security and economy. The cooperation is excellent. The Iraqi president promised to give the U.S. tips on how to cut down on school violence in Chicago.

President Obama was advised by Democrats to exit Afghanistan and by Republicans to send more troops Tuesday. One road leads to surrender and humiliation while the other road leads to quagmire and humiliation. May we have the wisdom to choose wisely.

General Motors fired its executive in charge of sales last Wednesday following September's plunge in GM car sales. Somebody had to take the fall. President Obama doesn't want to be humiliated again when Los Angeles loses the auto show to Rio.

Michael Jordan served as an honorary captain at the President's Cup matches in San Francisco this past week. He loves a friendly game of golf. Every year golf's leading money winner is Tiger Woods, followed by whoever's just played Michael Jordan.

Senator John Ensign refused Tuesday to resign his office in the wake of his adultery scandal. It's the fourth GOP sex scandal this year. Republicans have had so many sex scandals they are starting to attract a significant share of the independent vote.

The Justice Department said Thursday that sixty percent of U.S. kids are exposed to violence in their lives every day. It's a start. Winning the hearts and minds of the people in Afghanistan begins with turning our school districts over to warlords.

Senator Russ Feingold began hearings on the constitutionality of all the White House czars who are not answerable to Congress. Senator Feingold knows this story. It begins with bureaucrats who don't answer to Congress and it ends with Cossacks riding on horses through Jewish neighborhoods setting people's houses on fire.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-11-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

David Letterman pulled in huge ratings Friday as he continued to admit he kept up numerous office affairs. He's getting more honest every night. Dave's Top Ten List on Friday was three interns, two talent coordinators and the night cleaning crew.

Georgia Frontiere's estate put the St. Louis Rams up for sale Tuesday. The late lounge singer married and survived Rams owner Carroll Rosenbloom, and he was her seventh of nine husbands. She died only two husbands short of fielding an entire team.

Brett Favre's revenge match against Green Bay Monday set a ratings record for ESPN. The concept is a winner. ESPN just offered Roman Polanski's rape victim two million dollars for a revenge match when the French director lands back in California.

Anheuser-Busch announced Wednesday it's selling Sea World in San Diego. The daily expense of operating a park like that is unbelievable. You can't imagine the plumbing problems every time a dolphin floats to the surface and they try to flush it.

The White House decided to keep its Olympics office open as an office of youth fitness. It's money well spent. Maybe by the next vote Americans will look good enough in bathing suits to compete with Rio instead looking just good enough to beat WalrusStan.

Tom DeLay was a hit on Dancing with the Stars with his stunning prowess on the disco floor. He decided to quit the contest on Monday. If he had come home with the trophy, religious conservatives would know he'd done cocaine in the Seventies.

House Republicans introduced a resolution demanding Congressman Charlie Rangel quit as Ways and Means Chairman due to ethics violations. Nancy Pelosi blocked it. It's believed to be the first time that an airbag has ever been saved by a person.

President Obama presented medals for technological achievement and for science Wednesday. He honored the inventors of pacemaker batteries and of GPS navigation. He believes the government should know what makes you tick and where you are at all times.

John McCain accused President Obama of being leisurely about Afghanistan. The president was insulted by the suggestion he was being leisurely. For starters his suit is made out of silk, not polyester, and he wasn't wearing a tie because it was hot.

Detroit's Cobo Center was mobbed Thursday by applicants for stimulus money. It was homeless aid that required proof of residency. People had to get copies of the security video from outside 7-Elevens to prove how long they'd been sitting there.

Michael Jackson's estate just approved a leather-bound book of photographs depicting the King of Pop's life. It should be a big seller. If you put your thumb on the edge of the book and flip through the pages quickly it looks a movie of a nose job.

The Democratic National Committee will hold a contest for best TV commercials for health care reform. They want to sell health care reform the way you'd sell beer. Problem is, the Swedish Bikini Team will kill more heart patients than it cures.

The Supreme Court heard arguments Wednesday on whether a cross on federal land is a violation of the U.S. Constitution. The cross is a World War I memorial in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Lawmakers believe that the cross is allowable under the U.S. Constitution because it doesn't ban adultery the way the Ten Commandments does.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Rush Limbaugh confirmed reports Monday he wants to buy the St. Louis Rams. He's thinking ahead. If President Obama is able to bring back the Fairness Doctrine and get him canceled, the stadium P.A. system will guarantee that he always has a microphone.

NASA sent a spacecraft to bomb the moon today by firing a rocket into a crater on the moon's south pole. We're looking for water. Farmers in Fresno financed the attack in an effort to try to find a water supply that doesn't have any fish in it.

Chrissie Evert announced Monday she and PGA star Greg Norman will divorce. The excitement is building. Chrissie's been married to an Englishman, an American and an Australian, and now she's just a Frenchman short of the Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am.

David Letterman apologized on his show Monday for sleeping with women who work on the program. No one's that mad at him. The Late Show is the only workplace in America that is routinely described as one of those parties that just got out of hand.

Roman Polanski's bail request was denied by a Swiss judge Tuesday who ruled he is a flight risk. He's showing signs of progress. He was accompanied by his wife of fourteen years, which is a year older than the girl who got him in all the trouble.

Tom DeLay danced the samba with a half-naked partner and with a sequined elephant on his shirt on Dancing with the Stars Monday. He didn't win first place but he didn't go home empty-handed. The Log Cabin Republicans just named him an honorary homosexual.

Indonesia began rebuilding after a tsunami hit the islands last week, wreaking havoc on the economy. A strip bar on the beach was totally destroyed by the wave. Things were tough for the first week, but the customers are starting to drift back in.

NBC's Saturday Night Live made news Saturday by doing a sketch showing President Obama admitting he's accomplished nothing. His allies have begun deserting him. The Congressional Black Caucus released a statement pointing out that his mother is white.

Senator John Ensign said Tuesday he arranged a lobbying job for his mistress's husband. The guy wasn't really pimping his wife. They were on their way to videotape a sting at the local ACORN office and they decided to stop by to see John Ensign.

President Obama pushed health care reform Monday surrounded by a hundred and fifty doctors. It wasn't easy for the president to lure one hundred and fifty doctors to the White House. He had to tear out Michelle's vegetable garden and put in a driving range.

George H.W. Bush opened up a wine exhibit at his presidential library on Tuesday saluting the culture of wine. He's often asked how high you should be when you jump out of an airplane. Two bottles of wine in the space of an hour will usually do it.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Tuesday she is open to the idea of a new value-added tax that's like a national sales tax. It would make everything more expensive in the middle of a recession. Nancy Pelosi must represent one of those kinky districts in San Francisco where the more you punish them the more they'll pay to see you again.

President Obama spoke at the National Counter-terrorism Command Center Tuesday where he praised the staff for doing important work. Their identities are secret for everyone's protection. It's an idea the president picked up backstage at the Ed Sullivan Theater.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg angered civil libertarians by placing security cameras and license plate readers throughout Manhattan. How does this prevent terrorism? Photographing the rubble after it lands doesn't help you find the hijacker.

Gennifer Flowers signed to star in a New York musical Tuesday. She was the first Bill Clinton sex scandal which launched a million Clinton jokes. Comedians are now frantically searching their files for those jokes and switching them to Letterman.

The New York Post reported that David Letterman has a secret bedroom above the stage of the CBS Ed Sullivan Theater. No one was allowed in the room except him and the female employees he invited. The sign on the door reads Promotions Department.

CBS president Les Moonves did not discipline Dave Letterman Monday. He himself slept with CBS anchor Julie Chen, then left his wife for her. All CBS employees must take a sensitivity training class in which they watch six hours of Playboy After Dark.

NFL Today reported Sunday that Rush Limbaugh heads a group that might purchase the St. Louis Rams. He'll never hear the end of it. In addition to complaints that he wants President Obama to fail, he's now going to be accused of owning black people.

The NFL Players Association said Monday it will start a program for financial education to help professional football players handle their money. This idea is long overdue. Everyone recognizes that the strippers have not been doing a good job.

Roman Polanski requested bail from a Swiss judge Monday as he awaits a hearing for extradition to the U.S. His lawyers are trying everything. Yesterday they said he merely did what he had to do to get her to confess the location of Osama bin Laden.

NBC's Saturday Night Live made news Saturday by doing a sketch showing President Obama admitting he's accomplished nothing. It's ominous. Jerry Ford was the first president to learn that once you've lost Saturday Night Live, you've lost the country.

The U.S. Senate delayed the committee vote on the health care reform bill Monday because the CBO needs more time to figure out how much it will cost. If it adds to the deficit they must start over. They'd pay for it by seizing the oil in Iraq but they don't want to give Dick Cheney credit for providing health care for the poor.

President Obama said Monday he hasn't decided whether to send more U.S. soldiers to Afghanistan. He'd like to frame it as a humanitarian issue. The Afghan people haven't been vaccinated against swine flu and we're just the ones to stick it to them.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates ordered U.S. generals Monday to stop airing their views on Afghanistan publicly. You can imagine all the grumbling going on at the Pentagon. We're trying to become the first foreign country in history to win a war in Afghanistan and we've got a president who can't defeat Brazil for the Olympics.

Robert Redford was honored at the National Arts Awards Monday. His movie roles included a bank robber, a con man, and a reporter who brought down Nixon. For the last thirty years the Democratic nomination for president has been his for the asking.

The Roman Catholic Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle in Washington D.C. hosted six Supreme Court justices Sunday for Mass. The country just realized we have six Catholics on the Supreme Court. Across the nation, gay couples who booked orchestras and banquet halls when Barack Obama got elected are trying to get their deposits back.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama touted health care reform in the Rose Garden Monday surrounded by a hundred and fifty doctors in white coats. The doctors were shocked to see each other. They each thought they're the only ones writing prescriptions for the president.

New York installed security cameras throughout Manhattan on Monday. That's how popular the Erin Andrews peephole video is on the Internet. New York is hoping to balance the city budget by catching her walking to her car with her blouse unbuttoned.

David Letterman's blackmailer Joe Halderman hired John Gotti trial lawyer Gerald Shargel Monday. He gets mobsters acquitted by dredging up the past of accusers and witnesses. He's the only defense attorney in New York with a proctologist on retainer.

David Letterman's staffers who didn't have sex with him and didn't get promoted were reportedly angry about all the staffers who did. An investigation is sure to follow. By the time this ends he'll have an office in Harlem and a wife in the Senate.

McDonald's caused a stir in Paris Monday by announcing plans to open a restaurant in the Louvre Museum. The chain made every effort to assuage France's wounded sense of artistic pride. Every Chicken McNugget is shaped like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The Weather Channel forecasted Monday El Nino will result in a freezing winter this year. The climate change conference is in December. It turns out that global warming is produced on the same computer model that gave sub-prime loans a AAA rating.

The FBI filed charges against Michael Barrett for shooting peephole videos of ESPN's Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room. She was horrified when she saw the grainy video. When Roman Polanski heard she's thirty-one he told her to get another filmmaker.

French director Roman Polanski asked a Swiss judge for bail Monday pending his hearing. He was nabbed in Zurich when he arrived to accept a lifetime achievement honor. We could capture Osama bin Laden if someone would just put him up for a Peabody Award.

Conde Nast closed Gourmet magazine after sixty-nine years of publication. They tried to adapt to the recession but they just couldn't do it. Why would readers pay for Hamburger Helper recipes when they can get them for free on the side of the box?

National Security Adviser James Jones told CNN Sunday President Obama will try to overturn the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Gay soldiers may just be the answer. We've tried everything to win the war in Afghanistan except musical comedy.

Hillary Clinton will fly to London next week where she will discuss the economy, terrorism and arms control. The woman is amazing. In eighteen years she's gone from being the national punchline to being the only reason eighteen states haven't seceded.

Michelle Obama spoke to the IOC Friday where she said she sat on her father's lap watching Carl Lewis win all his medals in the Olympics. She was twenty years old that year. Oprah Winfrey can't believe she confessed to the IOC instead of on her show.

The National Cathedral in Washington D.C. had its annual Blessing of the Animals Monday. The turnout was huge for the blessings. So many senators' wives brought their old goats to the ceremony that the Senate had to adjourn for lack of a quorum.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Rio de Janeiro broke out into a huge street celebration Thursday when Brazil's seaside resort won the Olympic Games. Women danced topless as their leader wiped away his tears on television. It looked like Casual Friday in Dave Letterman's office.

David Letterman admitted on the air on Thursday that he has slept with women who work for him on the show. The confession of personal problems got huge TV ratings. Right now David Letterman is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem.

CBS said Friday David Letterman broke no company rules against office sex. His contract says that he owns all the female employees. The great thing about dating younger women is that the schools stopped teaching Civil War history twenty years ago.

CBS News producer Joe Halderman was arraigned for blackmailing David Letterman over his workplace harem. Others may still be charged. The Manhattan D.A. plans to prosecute anybody who holds comedians to the same standard as politicians and pastors.

Al-Qaeda set off a bomb in the Saudi royal palace last month which was hidden inside a suicide bomber's rectum. They say a reporter's greatest responsibility is to shine a light on dark places. That's about to apply to airport screeners as well.

The London Telegraph reported Saturday that Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is secretly Jewish, because his family name was Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver. Israel can't believe their bad luck. The first Jew to have oil is anti-Semitic.

Tiger Woods was listed by Forbes Friday as the first athlete ever to amass one billion dollars in prize money and endorsement fees. He also married a beautiful Swedish blonde. Tiger Woods's life is proof that beer commercials really do come true.

Chicago residents were stunned Friday after they heard they didn't win the Olympics. The politicians are at a loss. They were going to sell the Olympic contracts for political donations and now all they've got to sell is Barack Obama's Senate seat.

President Obama failed Friday to win over the IOC with his story of America's diversity. He tried this fable in Denmark, ancestral home of the Normans and Saxons who conquered Britain a thousand years ago, later colonized America, and populate the U.S. today. Their idea of diversity is a dishwater blonde and a platinum blonde in the same Breck commercial.

President Obama returned home from Europe Friday to the news that the nation's unemployment rate is nearly ten percent. He called the statistics sobering. The good news is, it's not really a depression until Dancing with the Stars is a marathon.

Americans for Prosperity held its annual conference in Washington to lobby for low taxes and free trade Saturday. They were in a great mood. They didn't know that back at their hotel President Obama's trip to Copenhagen had been charged to their room.

California marijuana activists convened in San Francisco to push for legalization with a ballot initiative next year. It was fraught with problems the last time they attempted this. Every day the signature gatherers kept forgetting where they left the petitions.

The White House conceded Friday the climate change bill won't pass this year. They want to pass a law requiring everyone to buy insurance and they want to pass a law requiring every business get government permission to use energy. Times are so tough that people can't imagine how life could be more difficult, but Congress can.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama failed to get the Olympics for Chicago Friday. He's in a slump lately. He hung out with ACORN and they went down, he led Chicago's Olympic bid and it went down, and he did the David Letterman show and now the police are involved.

David Letterman admitted Thursday he'd been extorted over sexual relationships he had with his staffers. It's amazing. In the greatest example in history that turnabout is fair play, Bill Clinton is opening his act telling David Letterman jokes.

CBS News producer Joe Halderman extorted David Letterman by threatening to reveal all his office lovers unless he got two million bucks. Everybody in show business had the same reaction. He could have sold this story to St. Martin's Press for twice the money.

David Letterman admitted having sex with female staffers Thursday. CBS bans sex in the workplace. Comedians don't normally deal with this charge because cocktail waitresses don't want to admit they've slept with a comedian while their parents are still alive.

President Obama was humiliated in Denmark Friday when Chicago lost out to Rio for the Olympics despite his personal plea to the IOC on behalf of Chicago. The president learned an important lesson. Naked corruption can't compete with naked beaches.

President Obama told the IOC about his itinerant childhood on Friday. Michelle told the IOC about her wheelchair-bound father's health problems. The IOC gave the games to Rio but they sent Barack and Michelle home with a brand-new washer and dryer.

Rio de Janiero became the first South American city chosen to host the Olympic Games Friday. Rio got the bid over Chicago and Madrid and Tokyo. The notoriously crime-plagued city burst into spontaneous cheers at the news, and that was in Chicago.

Rio de Janiero went wild when they won the Olympics Friday. The city is famous for its carnival atmosphere, its beautiful women and its topless beaches. There's a giant statue of Jesus overlooking Rio, and every night at sundown they blindfold it.

Wall Street held firm Friday after the Labor Department announced that unemployment reached nearly ten percent. The country lost another two hundred sixty thousand jobs last month. In Los Angeles there are two bread lines, Whole Wheat and Gluten-Free.

Michael Jackson's autopsy report released Thursday showed that the singer was in great health for a fifty-year-old man. What a legend. When it was revealed that every night he used hospital-grade anesthesia, Roman Polanski paid tribute to him as a great innovator.

Michael Moore's new movie slamming U.S. capitalism was boycotted by the teachers' union. They say he used a non-union crew to shoot the movie so he could save money and make more profit. Next they'll find out that he shot the whole thing in Vancouver.

The Max Planck Institute said most babies born in rich countries in this century will live to be one hundred. It's not a medical evaluation. It's a determination of how long they'll have to live in order to pay off the debt we've run up for them.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is going on a trip to Belfast and Dublin, then to Moscow and back to London this month. She will be discussing the economy, terrorism and arms control. Under the division of labor in the Obama administration the president does the talk shows and Hillary does the heavy lifting.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-4-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Rio de Janiero made its bid to the IOC to host the Olympics Thursday. The city is famous for a statue of Jesus on a mountain over the city. As long as they don't have a public display of the Ten Commandments the American team is still allowed to go.

Wall Street fell Thursday after Detroit reported that auto sales dropped three billion dollars one month after the Cash for Clunkers program expired. The program was not a complete failure. It did get a lot of cars with Obama stickers off the road.

U.S. Rep. Alan Grayson told the House Tuesday the GOP health plan is to stay well or die quickly. He then apologized to dead people for the current holocaust. It sounded so nuts that the people of Libya just asked him if he'd like to be their next dictator.

U.S. Airways captain Sully Sullenberger returned to the cockpit Friday nine months after his heroic landing on the Hudson. The cabin went wild when he introduced himself on the P.A. system. One guy booed but you'd expect that from the Audubon Society.

Al-Qaeda's Abdulluh Asieri blew himself up with a rectum bomb in the Saudi palace last month, worrying airport security. Experts say there's only one way to stop a bomber like this. The new manual for airport screeners is the Roman Polanski trial testimony.

Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein urged the nation to forgive Roman Polanski on Thursday. It's kicked off a huge debate. It has people in Middle America demanding jail time and it has people in Hollywood talking about how great Quaaludes used to be.

Michael Vick received free merchandise from Nike Thursday, indicating everyone likes him again. His poll numbers have really improved. It shows what happens when you have tremendous natural talent and the sense to leave the health care system alone.

John Edwards braced Thursday for release of a reported sex tape showing him and his mistress. He was almost a heartbeat away from the presidency. That's how close comedians came to getting all their work done in an hour every day for the next four years.

Michelle Obama told reporters in Denmark Thursday she'd made a great sacrifice to be there. It's a critical time for her vegetable garden. Under the Thirteenth Amendment she's not allowed to order the staff at the White House to pick the tomatoes.

President Obama took off for Copenhagen Thursday to push the IOC for Chicago's bid to host the Olympics. He gave the games priority over more pressing matters. He missed three days of rehearsal for the samba competition on Dancing with the Stars.

Japan's prime minister lobbied for Tokyo to get the Olympics Thursday. He told them that global warming could make these the last Olympics. Japan is so certain the oceans are going to rise they're already advertising jet skis with better mileage.

Sarah Palin's memoir Going Rogue set a record for advance sales on Amazon last week. She only spent two weeks with a collaborator and two weeks with an editor and she's produced a bestseller. The Authors Guild is demanding she be burned as a witch.

Iran met for six-party talks with the U.S. and its allies and Russia on Thursday in Geneva. It's the first time the U.S. has met with Iran since Revolutionary Guards seized the U.S. Embassy and took fifty-two Americans hostage thirty years ago. It cost Jimmy Carter re-election and this is the first chance we've had to thank them for it.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama flew to Copenhagen Thursday to lobby for Chicago's bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics at the IOC meeting in Denmark. The country is legendary for its health care system. Lassie once went to Denmark and came back a cat.

Arnold Palmer received a Congressional Gold Medal from President Obama Tuesday at a White House ceremony. Afterwards the president asked him for a lesson. Arnold Palmer told President Obama to stay off television because it increases your mystique.

The South Pacific and the Indian Ocean were hit by massive earthquakes Tuesday, triggering tsunami waves. They rolled into Hawaii, Indonesia and East Africa. Somebody up there really doesn't want President Obama's birth certificate ever to be found.

Los Angeles braced for a huge wave after Pacific Ocean quakes Tuesday. It drew thousands of onlookers to the piers. Los Angeles weathermen warned people to make a viewer out of a shoebox because looking directly at a tsunami could make you go blind.

Global Research polled fifteen thousand women Tuesday to rate men as lovers by nationality. The best lovers are Spanish men, followed by Brazilian men and then by Italian men. This just proves that once your empire has fallen you can take your time.

French director Roman Polanski remained jailed in Switzerland Thursday on a U.S. warrant. Thirty-two years ago he fled the country after admitting he had sex with an underaged girl. You can't do that in California without a licensed teacher on the set.

Hollywood celebrities petitioned Monday for statutory rape charges to be dropped against director Roman Polanski. Everyone else wants him jailed. It shows there's a great moral divide between people who want to sell a screenplay and people who don't.

Al-Qaeda's Abdullah Asieri detonated a bomb hidden in his rectum last month when he tried to kill a Saudi prince but failed. It calls for an overhaul of security procedures. These days a ruler can't tell who his friends are until somebody moons him.

Majority Leader Harry Reid canceled the October recess Wednesday saying he wanted the U.S. Senate to finish health care reform. He's not looking at the polls. He wants the U.S. Senate to finish health care reform and it's going to be the other way around.

The Senate Finance Committee fenced over health care reform Tuesday, squabbling over coverage for illegal aliens, whether or not to cover abortions and whether to have a public option, without getting any agreement. It's all theater. This bill is a dead body in the middle of the room and no one wants their fingerprints on the knife.

Cirque du Soleil head Guy Laliberte took off on a Russian rocket to the Space Station Wednesday. He paid thirty-five million dollars for a nine-day stay. Don't worry, if anybody books it for less, Orbitz will him send him a check for the difference.

The National Science Foundation staff was busted Tuesday for browsing Internet porn sites three to four hours a day at work. They make sure taxpayer money is not wasted. They are compiling a complete database on whose are real and whose are fake.

Iranian officials and U.S. diplomats will meet in Geneva Thursday to negotiate over Iran's nuclear weapons program. The Iranians don't need to build their own nuclear weapons, they can purchase them on the thriving black market. It just shows how superbly capitalism works whenever it's not weighed down by subsidies for the poor.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 10-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama jets to Denmark today to push for Chicago's bid to host the Olympics. Oprah Winfrey is flying with him. Regis Philbin was kept out of the plane so in case anything happens to it America will be assured of a continuity of chit-chat.

France protested the arrest of Roman Polanski by Swiss police Sunday acting on a U.S. warrant. He fled justice after sleeping with a thirteen-year-old girl thirty years ago. If extradited he faces five to ten years as Thailand's Minister of Tourism.

Saudi prince Mohammed bin Nayef survived a suicide bomber who hid a bomb in his rectum last month. The explosion blew a crater in the floor. The next day the court jester was beheaded after he walked up to the prince and asked him to pull his finger.

Salt Lake City's Elizabeth Smart will testify Thursday in the competency trial of her abductor. He kidnapped her seven years ago. Child psychologists knew she had been damaged when she got home and told her family how much she loved Los Angeles.

The Dallas Cowboys won their first game in their new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on Monday Night Football. The stadium cost one billion dollars. The retractable roof opens whenever God wants to watch the Redskins game and closes if it's just Tampa Bay.

Phil Mickelson won the Tour Championship thanks to the success of his new wide putting stance. He sank eight birdie putts. Most golfers have been afraid to use a wide stance ever since it cost Larry Craig his Senate seat in an airport men's room.

The Senate Finance Committee voted down a public option in the health care reform bill on Tuesday. The current bill forces everyone to buy health insurance or face a fine or jail. If it passes, millions of Americans will renounce their citizenship and stay in America illegally so they can get free health care in the emergency room.

Senator Jay Rockefeller called insurance companies bandits Tuesday for making profits. He's the great-grandson of the founder of Standard Oil. Psychologists say this is what happens when you hate your parents but don't want to give back the money.

Michael Moore vowed Tuesday to mobilize voters against any lawmaker who votes against a public option in the health care bill. He's making a fortune from his movies denouncing capitalism, which is an old story in Hollywood. Warren Beatty built a beautiful house up on Mulholland Drive with the box office receipts from Reds.

California lawmakers neared a vote Tuesday exempting a new football stadium in Los Angeles from environmental review. It will be located in the City of Industry. If the stadium damages the habitat of industry, the Sierra Club will give it an award.

Los Angeles lifeguards cleared the beaches Tuesday after tsunami warnings were issued for the California coast. Large waves were approaching from the earthquake in the Pacific. Everybody in Malibu was just delighted to get seafood delivered for free.

President Obama met with the head of NATO Tuesday to discuss a new strategy in Afghanistan. Commanders have asked for German combat troops. The request for German troops has been delayed for years while we decide if we're really that mad at al-Qaeda.

U.S. Airways hero Sully Sullenberger and actor Harrison Ford appeared together in Los Angeles to urge kids who want to fly to join the Aeronautic Association. They meant well. It's safer for passengers if pilots start out in A.A. rather than end up in A.A.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio