Argus Hamilton's column for 9-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Poland's legislature passed a bill Monday which makes castration mandatory for men who are convicted of having sex with underage girls. Worldwide reaction was swift. Roman Polanski just announced that he would like to be extradited to California.

Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on a U.S. fugitive warrant Monday. He was in Zurich to get a lifetime achievement award. The director could face charges in Los Angeles of having sex with a minor and not casting her in the role as promised.

Roman Polanski stated in his L.A. trial back in the Seventies he had sex with an underage girl at Jack Nicholson's house. He didn't have to plead guilty. At the time the house was high enough to be outside the territorial boundary of the United States.

Lincoln Legends is a new book by Edward Steers that investigates all the myths about Honest Abe. It finds he wasn't baptized, never went to church or professed a belief in Christ. Today James Dobson would call Abe Lincoln a Republican in name only.

The Detroit Lions beat the Washington Redskins Sunday, ending their nineteen-game losing streak. How'd the bookies miss this? Ever since President Obama took office Washington will give Detroit anything they want just to please the United Autoworkers.

Iran test-fired missiles Monday which the Pentagon said are capable of hitting Israel or eighty U.S. military bases in the Middle East. This says a lot. If there were eighty U.S. bases protecting Duracell you'd know we were serious about the electric car.

Iran alarmed Israel Monday by test-firing medium range missiles and conducting infantry war games in the desert on the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur. Israel would never knock out Iran on Yom Kippur. It's already a Jewish holiday.

Moammar Khadaffi urged a summit of South American and African leaders Monday to form a military alliance. They met on Margarita Island in Venezuela. They held it there because Sex on the Beach Island was already booked by an insurance industry convention.

Bill Clinton told David Gregory on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday he still believes in the existence of a vast right-wing conspiracy which hounded his presidency. It's true that dark forces conspired to defeat his agenda. Doctors call them hormones.

President Obama will fly to Copenhagen this week to lobby the IOC on behalf of Chicago's bid to get the Olympics. Chicagoans would love for the Olympic games to be held in the president's hometown. They don't care if it's Honolulu, Jakarta or Nairobi.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs declared Monday that President Obama is able to go abroad Thursday due to progress on health care reform. He said health care reform is in a much better place. That's exactly how you comfort children when their dog dies.

President Obama told the U.N. General Assembly that if they take issue with America's character or America's past deeds, they should look at the progress we've made in the last nine months. It makes you wonder what might have been. If Barack Obama had just a little more basketball talent he might have broken Michael Jordan's record for self-obsession.

Senate Finance Committee members Jay Rockefeller and Chuck Schumer said Monday they will demand a public option in the health care bill. They are the Senate's leading progressives. Liberals live in a parallel universe where the difference between a scandal and a civil right is whether a Republican or a Democrat is caught doing it.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Florida Gators star Tim Tebow flew separately Saturday when college teams broke out in the flu. It makes you feel like you're dying. It made for the most inspiring halftime speeches in the locker room since Ronald Reagan retired from Warner Brothers.

Al-Qaeda suspect Najibullah Zazi will be indicted Tuesday for plotting to bomb New York. He was deeply embedded. Terrorists are trained to eat bacon, drink beer and frequent strip bars so Americans will think they're nothing worse than Methodists.

Michael Jackson praised Adolf Hitler as a great showman in audiotapes released Friday. He said he could have healed Hitler with love and kindness. No one in Hollywood wants to know how he deduced this but everybody wants to know where he bought his pot.

Mackenzie Phillips told Oprah Friday she had incestuous relations for ten years with her rock star father John Phillips. It was a Seventies thing. After California toughened its law on driving under the influence, everyone just stayed home and made the best of it.

The L.A. Dodgers team bus was stopped twenty times in Pittsburgh Thursday due to President Obama's summit motorcade. They all drove into town together. Every time the president thought of a new line he stopped the team bus to try it out on them.

The White House said swine flu vaccines will be in doctors' offices Monday. Many parents are refusing to have their kids vaccinated. They're afraid the kids will walk out of the doctor's office clapping their hands and chanting Barack Hussein Obama.

Republican Party leaders convened in a resort hotel in Michigan Saturday. They planned their comeback. ACORN sent in undercover journalists dressed as a pimp and a hooker to expose their devious plans and they made six thousand dollars in two hours.

Iran agreed Saturday to let U.N. inspectors inspect its once-concealed underground reactors. Their very survival is at stake. Iran knows that in America the only way a president can improve his approval ratings is to have an affair or invade a country.

President Obama refused Friday to commit to more troops or a draw-down in Afghanistan. He's not ready to address it yet. He believes we must show great patience on Afghanistan, however we must hurry up on health care reform because people are dying.

The PGA Tour awarded the ten million dollar prize for the FedEx Cup Sunday. It looks bleak. At the rate the tour is losing corporate sponsors due to bankruptcies, next year's tournaments may all be sponsored by the U.S. Marshals Service and Yale Locks.

Meg Whitman launched her campaign for the Republican nomination for California governor Thursday in Sacramento. The social conservative became a billionaire as the CEO of eBay. So when she sells the state parks someone's going to get a good deal.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress last week the recovery is likely to be a jobless recovery. No one's going out and spending money. Restaurants are so empty that the owners are trying to return them to a recycling center just for the deposit.

The International Cycling Union banned two-way wrist radios in races Saturday. The radios let players know of tricky turns, crashes ahead and slick road spots. The sport still can't get a TV deal until they eliminate helmets and dismantle the brakes.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama said Friday he may go to Copenhagen next week to lobby the IOC for Chicago to get the Olympics. Chicago is up against Rio de Janeiro. Both cities are corrupt and sports-crazed, but Rio is more likely to win out because it's topless.

Mackenzie Phillips wrote that she began an incestuous relationship with her father John Phillips the night before he gave her away at her wedding. That's how tough California consumer law is. Even if you're not selling something you have to make sure it's not defective.

Congress agreed Friday to allow the import of Chinese chickens if China allows safety inspections of Chinese facilities. There's nothing wrong with the way the Chinese prepare their chickens. They simply tell them straight out that they're going to die.

Al-Qaeda was prevented from blowing up a skyscraper in Dallas Thursday. The plot was foiled by undercover FBI agents who supplied the terrorist with fake explosives. The FBI did a great job but they remain two interceptions behind Tony Romo for the week.

President Obama gave three televised speeches last week. He also did five news shows and David Letterman. Americans are washing their hands three times a day and sneezing into their elbows but it has done nothing to stop the spread of Obama Fatigue.

Oklahoma geologist Jan Cannon struck gold in Alaska's remote Tongass National Forest on Thursday. Once mined it will produce thirty million ounces of gold. Now the only thing that'll protect you from inflation is dehydrated food and canned goods.

Libya's Moammar Khadaffi gave a bizarre and rambling seventy-five minute speech to the U.N. Wednesday. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him. He's the first man in history to cancel a weapons of mass destruction program in exchange for stage time.

President Obama warned Friday that Iran poses a threat to U.S. interests. Where have we heard that song before? At the rate Barack Obama is rehabilitating George W. Bush's reputation there could be a monument to him on the National Mall by next year.

President Obama quoted the CIA Friday saying Iran is hiding secret underground nuclear labs. There's no way to know if the intelligence is correct. Now that he's got the Justice Department torturing the CIA they'll tell him anything he wants to hear.

New Jersey gradeschoolers were shown on videotape Thursday clapping their hands and chanting the praises of President Barack Hussein Obama because all colors are equal in his eyes. That was back in February when he had a seventy percent approval rating. Yesterday the same kids were videotaped singing the praises of Strom Thurmond.

Chrysler started a redesign of the Fiat on Friday. They have to make it bigger for the U.S. market. Americans need bigger seats than Italians because we eat french fries with our pasta and they don't, and it must sleep five until the depression is over.

Senator John Ensign explained the Senate health care bill Friday. It's popular out west. Anyone who doesn't buy insurance may go to jail for twelve months, or as twelve percent of Californians see it, one year of free housing, food and health care.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov bought the New Jersey Nets Thursday. The Kremlin forced him to divest his stocks last year after he bought hookers for investors, leaving him with billions in cash when stocks crashed. For all the bad luck hookers have brought public figures lately, the pendulum was bound to swing the other way eventually.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-27-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

London Police gave up arresting the young woman who walks naked through London every day. They've accepted her as an eccentric. She chats with everybody as she walks around Hyde Park totally nude, and even she thinks President Obama is overexposed.

Occidental Petroleum said Wednesday they found over one hundred million barrels of oil in the ground just north of Bakersfield, California. It never fails. We could save a lot of money on oil exploration if we'd just follow the Oklahomans and drill wherever they settle.

Tom Brady and supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen were sued for a million dollars by photographers Wednesday. The couple's bodyguards allegedly opened fire on the photographers while they were trying to take their picture in Costa Rica. They are photographed every day of their lives, just not in tax havens.

Libya's Moammar Khaddafi spoke to the U.N. Wednesday where he referred to President Obama as his son and said he hopes Obama will be president forever. It was mortifying. Democrats just realized that Moammar Khaddafi is worse than a terrorist, he's a birther.

Moammar Khaddafi said in his U.N. speech that the delegates were jet-lagged from their flight over the ocean. It's ominous. Unlike most nations, which merely complain about all the air traffic in the sky, Libya has a track record of doing something about it.

Donald Trump rented his Westchester mansion to Moammar Khaddafi last week. The neighbors were outraged when they saw the Bedouin tent going up in the backyard. It just takes one Predator drone missile to move in, and there goes the neighborhood.

President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly Wednesday where he lectured everybody about the equality of mankind. He said no nation can or should try to dominate another country. He won't rest until the Colonial Open is renamed the Reparations Cup.

Sarah Palin spoke in Hong Kong Wednesday and she got a rave review from the New York Times. The newspaper is looking out for its circulation. The New York Times won't need a federal bailout if it can just get somebody elected to fill out Richard Nixon's second term.

The FBI reportedly destroyed all its past files on CBS News anchor Walter Cronkite Tuesday. It shows how paranoid the bureau was during the Cold War. The CBS News anchor was the most trusted man in America, but J. Edgar Hoover was counting how many red ties he had.

Homeland Security warned Thursday that terrorists might target NFL games. They want to install facial recognition cameras to keep out suspicious characters, but they can't put them at the players' entrance. If the Bengals hosted the Raiders, it would be a race to see who forfeits first.

Supreme Court justice Sonia Sotomayor got a standing ovation at Yankee Stadium Saturday. She threw out the first pitch. This is the time of year the roster expands and the Yankees can bring in as many pitchers from the Caribbean as they like.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg made a bid to buy Business Week Tuesday and add it to his media empire. The magazine lost forty million dollars last year. That makes Business Week the best-performing investment on Wall Street for the last twelve months.

The White House weighed sending Special Ops forces into Afghanistan to hunt down the enemy Wednesday. At the conclusion of boot camp, the soldiers undergo brutal survival training. They're released back into the U.S. economy and told to find a job in six weeks.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Beatles sold two and a half million albums last week with their re-mastered tracks. The royalties are pouring in. If Lou Gehrig was giving his farewell speech today he would say he's the luckiest man on the face of the earth next to Ringo Starr.

New York Yankee star Derek Jeter got a huge ovation in Los Angeles Monday from Angels fans in the wake of his career milestone last week. He passed Lou Gehrig on the all-time number of hits list. Only John Gotti had more career hits in New York.

Homeland Security warned Americans Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists in public places. They're believed to have hydrogen peroxide bombs. If one of them goes off it could make Fox News anchors out of every woman within a four-block radius.

Save the Boobs is a hilarious new ad campaign for breast cancer awareness. The ads spoof male fixation on women's breasts. It's a message that women shouldn't wait to have a job interview with Bill Clinton or Arnold Schwarzenegger to get checked.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's estranged wife Jenny signed a book deal Monday. It's an inspirational memoir. It will show women that the secret to self-esteem if your husband cheats on you is to be the wealthy one in the relationship.

The Senate Finance Committee opened the health care bill to amendments Tuesday after support for public coverage collapsed. The bill drew five hundred amendments. An Alaska senator proposed covering an Operation to Nowhere, but the war funding bill already does that.

The White House said Monday the U.S. may expand drone attacks into Pakistan. The drones are firing missiles by remote control from a trailer in Nevada. The trailers are in Nevada because it's the only one of the fifty states that's never had a tornado.

The Emmy Awards Show in Hollywood Sunday drew much higher viewer ratings than last year's telecast. However the evening drew fire from the NAACP for being an all-white show. They cut all the musical numbers and replaced them with tea party protests.

California reported a drop in foreign-born residents Monday for the first time in thirty years. It's no secret why. The legalization of pot and cocaine in Mexico presents more entrepreneurial opportunities than the typical sharecropping deal in Fresno.

President Obama addressed the Clinton Global Initiative on Tuesday. He praised the former president for saving millions of lives since leaving office. Once he was out of politics he called off the hits on women who were ready to testify against him.

President Obama pressured Israeli and Palestinian leaders at the U.N. Tuesday to shake hands and resume peace talks. They seemed irritated by Obama's impatience. A president who thinks he's Jesus has no particular sway with either of these parties.

President Obama grated on Israeli sensibilities Tuesday by calling upon Israel and Palestine to live side by side. Every time he says the word Palestine, he loses fifty thousand Jewish votes. It's worse than telling a Hitler joke the wrong way.

The White House floated the idea of bailing out newspapers if they re-organize as non-profits, which would make them indebted to the government for their survival. Here's an example of the jokes you'll read here if that happens. The president is a genius and a sex symbol but what's important is that he's right about everything.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-24-09

ELK CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama went on David Letterman's show Monday after five shows Sunday. He is spending way too much time in front of TV cameras. Every time the red light goes on he pitches health care reform and the cross traffic can't get through the intersection.

Jerry Jones refused to raise the video board over Cowboys Stadium Sunday. It's like the teams are playing under a huge microscope. The Cowboys' center was pulled in the third quarter when a gastroenterologist in the upper deck was able to diagnose polyps.

Nigeria's government banned any movie theaters in Nigeria from showing the box office hit District 9 on Friday. The government says the movie depicts Nigerians as gangsters and cannibals. Anyone caught watching the movie will be killed and eaten.

Tina Fey won an Emmy Sunday for her Sarah Palin impersonations on Saturday Night Live. The Alaskan is a great source of laughter, TV ratings and Emmys, while no one is allowed to kid President Obama. When Hollywood supported Obama over Sarah Palin it was the worst professional decision since Pamela Anderson got breast reduction surgery.

Los Angeles Animal Control trapped and killed sixteen coyotes in Griffith Park last weekend after hundreds of complaints. They were wreaking havoc in the park. First they chewed up the marijuana plants and then they tried to eat the sports cars.

Michelle Obama was reported Monday to have persuaded Barack last summer not to make Hillary his vice president by saying she didn't want Bill and Hillary down the hall. She regrets it today. Now when there's a stain on the rug, everybody blames her dog.

George W. Bush's speechwriter released a tell-all book Monday in which he quoted Bush last year referring to Barack Obama as a cat without a clue. Speechwriters are so condescending. They wrote for President Bush as if all he could read was Dr. Seuss.

Cal Berkeley this semester opened the Center for the Comparative Study of Right Wing Movements. They see the next election coming. If there's one thing they know in the academic world, it's how to pander to the people who approve the grant proposals.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton rang the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange Monday and got a huge ovation from traders. Her market savvy is legendary. She once made a killing in cattle futures, and she bought Bill Clinton at twenty-seven.

President Obama will host a world leaders summit in Pittsburgh Thursday. They plan to crack down hard on what they call tax-haven countries. The untold story about Gilligan's Island is that the millionaire bribed the skipper to take them there.

GOP Congressman John Boehner declared health care reform dead Sunday. He urged everybody to work on legislation that everybody can agree on. By the time health care reform is finished being amended by Congress, it'll be a missile defense system in Poland.

U.S. prosecutors charged three al-Qaeda suspects in New York Monday after agents intercepted a Muslim's text message to two other Muslims that the wedding cake was ready, believing it was a coded attack order. You can tell that police have high divorce rates. Every time they hear the word wedding, they just assume a disaster's imminent.

The White House was asked by seven former CIA directors to halt the Department of Justice torture investigation of the CIA. We're dealing with well-conditioned enemy combatants. When baby boys are born in the Middle East, the doctor slaps their bottom and then he pours water over their heads for a year and a half until they talk.




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-23-09

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys drew a hundred thousand fans for their stadium opening game with the N.Y. Giants Sunday. Everyone described the stadium's atmosphere as being just like college. No one wanted to leave because they knew there are no jobs waiting for them.

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning in Encino Monday. It was an epic battle. Alcohol has been waiting four hundred years for an actor who can stay in the ring with it, and David Hasselhoff lasted two rounds longer than most.

Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Lalibertie will travel to the Space Station this week to become the first clown in space. This isn't going to help the popularity of the space program. If there's anything more obnoxious than mime, it's mime in zero gravity.

Miss California Carrie Prejean spoke to the Values Voters Summit Saturday. What a witness. She said God chose her to be a beauty queen so she could demonstrate her gifts to the world, and when his gifts didn't get the job done she got a boob job.

Tom DeLay headlined ABC's Dancing with the Stars Monday where he danced the cha-cha. He wore rhinestones, a red animal print, and shoes with heels. It looked like his corruption trial had been moved to San Francisco and he's trying to sway the jury.

The Health Department advised Americans Monday to avoid swine flu this fall by washing your hands. People with the flu are hot, dizzy and confused. Every time another blonde gets off the bus in Los Angeles the CDC swoops in with a butterfly net.

Bill Clinton recalled in taped memoirs Monday how Boris Yeltsin walked outside the White House onto Pennsylvania Avenue drunk one night. He stood in his underwear shouting for a pizza. It is the essence of diplomacy to take your cues from your host.

NFL Merchandise reported Friday that the Brett Favre football jersey is by far the number-one seller on the NFL website. America's favorite athlete is now a white Mississippi cotton farmer. Last November Barack Obama was a symbol of how far we've come as a nation, and a year later Brett Favre is a symbol of how far we've gone back.

New York's InterContinental Hotel installed metal detectors on all doors Monday for Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's arrival. He can't wait to get to New York. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a good corned beef sandwich in Iran.

Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday the Holocaust was a hoax, and he added that he loves to make Americans angry, saying Americans are professional killers. That's not true. You don't have to pay Anglo-Saxons to kill, you have to pay us to cease fire when ordered.

President Obama went on all the Sunday news talk shows except Fox News. He had complained to reporters Wednesday that Fox News spends all day attacking him. The next day Russia took Poland from him like a coyote snatching Jessica Simpson's poodle.

President Obama on Sunday discussed his health care mandate in the health care reform bill in which the federal government requires you to buy health insurance. He can't possibly enforce this. The bank accounts are empty and the prisons are full.

ACORN was defunded by Congress last week when ACORN staffers got taped telling two undercover journalists posing as a hooker and a pimp how to scam the government. They didn't stop there. The two undercover journalists went to the U.S. Capitol posing as a pimp and a hooker, and the Capitol police directed them to the lobbyists' entrance.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama scrapped Poland's missile defense against Russia Wednesday. It was the seventieth anniversary of Russia's invasion of Poland. Some people celebrate anniversaries by re-taking their vows but Russia celebrates them by re-taking Poland.

Mexican Independence Day was celebrated Wednesday a month after Mexico legalized pot, heroin and cocaine for personal use. It would never work here. The Medellin cartel would never fill out all the paperwork necessary to become a Medicare provider.

John Edwards was reported ready Saturday to admit he fathered his mistress Rielle Hunter's baby girl. She was a campaign worker for him. John Edwards always said that there are two Americas and to get more votes he started a family in each of them.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered New York taxi companies to use hybrid cars within two years. They're great for conversation. The lousy acceleration and slow speed of these cars will give New York cab drivers something to complain about besides Zionism.

India reported Saturday that fewer Indian skilled workers are migrating to the West due to the worldwide recession. They're always welcomed in Los Angeles. The Hindu goddess Vishnu has nine arms, which is what Californians need when we're driving.

Taliban chief Mullah Omar went on the air Friday to say the Taliban is nice to women and doesn't make them cover up. He wanted to correct misperceptions. He also assured the world that Osama bin Laden is not dead, his Twitter account was just down.

Al-Qaeda posted a video threatening to attack Germany Saturday. There's a good reason why they want to take on the Germans. The terrorists are bored fighting American and British troops who play by the rules, they want to try Ultimate Fighting.

Mike Huckabee won a GOP presidential election straw poll at the Values Voters Summit of conservative evangelicals in Washington D.C. Saturday. He has an unfair advantage because he has a TV show on Fox News Channel. Evangelicals watch Fox News because they are convinced MSNBC won't break into programming to report the Rapture.

President Obama did the David Letterman show Monday after five TV appearances Sunday and five televised speeches the week before. He's gotten addicted to the sound of cheers and applause from a live studio audience. It could save a lot of travel expenses if we could get the D.C. fire marshal to approve the installation of bleachers in the Oval Office.

Barack Obama pushed for health care reform on five talk shows Sunday. Liberals complain he's been too passive. If Dick Cheney were pushing health care reform he'd be at the Heritage Foundation warning us that we are all one day closer to death.

Congressional Black Caucus member Hank Johnson warned Thursday that conditions are ripe for the return of the Ku Klux Klan. It was the little things that tipped him off. Last week he tried to order a Snuggies in white and they were all sold out.

President Obama disagreed with Jimmy Carter Friday after Carter told NBC News that health care reform opponents are racist. Meanwhile, Democratic senators introduced a health care bill in the Senate, then distanced themselves from it. This is the scene on Animal Planet when Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other.

Sarah Palin offered dinner with herself in an auction on eBay Friday. An Alabama defense contractor won. You put Alabama and Alaska at the same table and there's no disagreement over whether to shoot Rocky or Bullwinkle, they are both on the menu.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Jessica Simpson offered a reward for the return of her dog after a coyote took it. It's the nuttiest thing anyone's ever heard. She hasn't heard from the coyote yet but people up in Alaska have asked if she'd be interested in being their governor.

Mexican Independence Day was observed in marches and rallies across California last week by Hispanic activists. The police could do nothing to stop the rowdiness. Try pepper spray on this crowd and they'll just ask for some guacamole to go with it.

The Values Voters Summit of religious conservatives convened in Washington last weekend. Two thousand evangelical Christians stayed in one hotel. After three days of this convention the bartenders and hookers at the hotel qualified for food stamps.

The Guiding Light left the air Friday after seventy years of lust and adultery and incest. The censors never bothered soap operas. As long as they played organ music going in and out of the break the sponsors thought it was a religious broadcast.

Common Sense Media said Friday NFL telecasts aren't fit for kids to watch. Half the commercial breaks feature ads for alcohol, drugs or pills for enhanced sexual performance. The idea is to teach children that all their insecurities are treatable.

Journal Science reported the discovery Friday of the ancestor of Tyrannosaurus Rex. The dinosaur was the world's top predator until the day a meteor struck the earth and turned all the dinosaurs into oil deposits. It's a school holiday in Texas.

President Obama scrapped the missile defense system designed to protect Poland from Russian attack Thursday on the seventieth anniversary of Russia's invasion of Poland. This explains why Obama removed the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office and sent it back to the British Embassy. He wanted one of Neville Chamberlain.

The California Energy Commission on Friday unveiled the nation's first energy efficiency standards for big-screen television. The commission is determined to phase out all electricity-guzzling big TV screens. That's why the Dallas Cowboys Stadium has been added to the Axis of Evil, not because President Obama is a Bears fan.

President Obama skipped Fox News on his media blitz Sunday because he said Fox is devoted solely to attacking him. That's fair. He felt burned after they aired undercover tapes showing ACORN telling him how to turn self-pity into world domination.

President Obama will be the first U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council this week. The U.N. is traditionally where Third World leaders air their grievances against U.S.-British imperialism and Zionism. Obama was elected chairman by acclamation.

Bill Clinton is hosting the Clinton Global Initiative in New York this week in conjunction with the U.N. opening, despite having a terrible cold. It could ruin his week. Nibbling on a woman's ear is a lot less effective if you're wearing a surgical mask.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will stay in the Iranian Mission in New York this week and Moammar Khadaffi will be staying in the Libyan Mission. King Abdullah will stay at the Saudi Mission. It just shows that democratic capitalism is the only system that creates prosperity, otherwise the leaders of oil nations wouldn't be sleeping in soup kitchens.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-20-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Jessica Simpson posted a reward for the return of her toy Maltese poodle after it was snatched by a coyote as she was walking the dog in the desert Monday. The coyote doesn't want her money. His bill at the Acme Explosives factory is all paid up.

Jerry Jones announced he wants a hundred thousand fans in attendance at tonight's Dallas Cowboys Stadium opener. He sold thousands of standing-room seats with a stunning view. For what he paid for that video board, it had better be able to support the weight.

World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon quit the sport Wednesday to run for U.S. Senate in Connecticut. Everyone's rooting for her. With any luck, she will be able to take American politics and raise it to the level of professional wrestling.

Kanye West went nuts at the MTV awards as Serena Williams threatened a U.S. Open line judge and a congressman heckled the president, who called Kanye West a jackass. What's happened to this country? Dogs are being arrested for betting on people fights.

The L.A. Times cited a decline in civility in sports, politics and entertainment Wednesday. The real problem is public vulgarity. George Carlin once listed the seven words you can't say on television, and now they're the nation's most popular ringtone.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome got Bill Clinton's backing in the primary for governor Tuesday. The Democratic mayor had an adulterous affair with a Fox News reporter. He features the affair in a campaign commercial to show that he can work across the aisle.

Congress voted along party lines Tuesday to admonish U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina for heckling President Obama. Democrats insisted on it. Joe Wilson is a mild-mannered lawmaker who'd never start a fight, but South Carolina is a known hothead.

The U.S. Forest Service apologized Tuesday for saying campers who eat tortillas and drink Tecate beer and listen to Spanish music may be armed marijuana growers. That was a completely unfair stereotype. They could just as easily be an ACORN health care clinic.

The Texas Board of Education may change the social studies curriculum to salute Cesar Chavez as a great American. Educators want to honor Hispanic heroes. Cesar Chavez went to the top of the list after the five names ahead of him tested positive for steroids.

Iraq freed the jailed Iraqi reporter who threw his shoe at President Bush last year. He says the Iraqi police tortured him with whippings, electrical shocks and beatings. It was six months before he finally gave up the name of the shoe store.

White House adviser David Axelrod met with Senate Democrats Wednesday and told them that voting for health care reform will help them get re-elected. It didn't help. Now two dozen Senate Democrats are going to be censured for calling him a liar.

Senator Max Baucus released his proposed health care reform bill Wednesday. He vowed that it will pass the Senate even though both Democrats and Republicans on his Finance Committee say they won't vote for it. They're so bad at math they really ought to fund education and forget about health care.

Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus vowed to go ahead with the health care bill even if the Democrats are forced to go it alone. Republicans have good reason for opposing this bill. When half the doctors in the country close their practices, everybody's going to have to get up at three o'clock in the morning to get a tee time.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Boston Medical School got pledges from one hundred NFL players to donate their brains to science. It's for research. Scientists hope to discover whether it's Southern cooking or brain damage that causes Brett Favre to retire and un-retire every summer.

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass Tuesday for his misbehavior at the MTV Awards. He was drinking Cognac right out of the bottle. No one in California uses glassware anymore because of the water restrictions when you run your dishwasher.

Kanye West leaped on stage at the MTV Awards Sunday and grabbed the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech. He shouted that the blonde should not have won. Hillary Clinton saw the video clip and it gave her a bad New Hampshire flashback.

The U.S. Senate voted to halt funding for ACORN Monday after staffers were taped helping pimps and hookers set up brothels. This complicates everything. From now on all federal money going to ACORN has to be funneled through Eliot Spitzer's account.

Ted Kennedy's memoir Compass hit the bookstores Tuesday, in which he tells the story of his fabled life. The illustrations include watercolor portraits which he painted himself. They weren't originally watercolors but he kept them in the back seat.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke declared Tuesday the recession is mostly over, causing the stock market to continue rising. It's a game-changer. The moment the Dow Jones hits ten thousand, Republicans could care less if you call them racists.

Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down a Japanese line judge's throat Saturday. There's no history of racial ill will here. In World War II blacks were not even allowed to fight in the Pacific Theater, they had to sit in the balcony.

The White House announced Tuesday President Obama will do a media blitz Sunday and go on NBC's Meet the Press, CBS's Face the Nation and ABC's This Week. However, he won't be going on Fox News. Sunday is a day for gods to spend with their worshippers.

Iraq freed the Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush onstage in Baghdad last year. It's a cultural insult. Republicans would never throw their shoes at Barack Obama onstage for fear they would go to jail for arranging alligator fights.

Congress reprimanded U.S. Rep Joe Wilson for heckling President Obama during last week's speech. Blame the writers. Barack Obama told Congress health care won't insure illegal aliens, and when a joke doesn't get a laugh it just opens the door to heckling.

Congressional Black Caucus member Hank Johnson said GOP support for Joe Wilson may lead to white people riding around wearing hoods over their heads again. How can he tell they're white? Everybody is taking precautions against catching swine flu.

Charles Manson follower Squeaky Fromme moved out of California Monday. She just served thirty years for taking a shot at President Ford. She's moving to upstate New York, which means the risk of Parkinson's disease isn't Bill Clinton's only problem.

Joe Biden was in Baghdad Tuesday during a rocket attack near the U.S. Embassy in the Green Zone. It was close. It's not known if they were actually shooting at the vice president but Hillary Clinton advised him to document the incident very carefully or no one will believe it when he mentions it during the next campaign.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-17-09

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave a speech to Wall Street Monday after speaking to Congress and CBS's 60 Minutes. He wants to monopolize even more air time. After his speech to Wall Street, he had lunch with Bill Clinton to find out how to set up an intern program.

President Obama demanded health care reform and banking reform and green energy subsidies in televised speeches this week. He has hit a wall. The president says he will not accept the status quo, and the status quo isn't too crazy about him either.

Michael Jordan made the crowd uncomfortable at his NBA Hall of Fame acceptance speech on Friday. He stood onstage and lashed out at anyone who ever doubted him or insulted him. After the speech, Congressman Joe Wilson called him up and apologized.

The University of Wyoming announced they will name their international student center after Dick Cheney. He's not exactly known for hospitality to foreigners. If they don't want any international students, why don't they just stop accepting them?

GM introduced a new money-back guarantee on its cars that lets you return a car for a full refund within sixty days. It started a land rush. Conservative activists dressed up as pimps flooded into ACORN offices asking for help to get a Cadillac loan.

Rodney King won a unanimous decision in his Celebrity Boxing match with a former cop in Philadelphia Saturday. They couldn't hold the fight in Los Angeles. If the cop had beaten Rodney, a firefighter wouldn't have been available until the rainy season.

President Obama told CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday the government should have a bigger role in health care, the financial industry and manufacturing. It's not going to happen. We didn't win the Cold War to surrender afterwards, this isn't a fishing show.

House Democrats threatened to expel South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson unless he apologizes again for heckling President Obama. Congress should know better than to tell Southerners to leave the Capitol. It takes four years and the burning of Atlanta to get them back in again.

ACORN workers were busted again on video Sunday helping what they thought were a pimp and his prostitute get a federal home loan to open a brothel in Brooklyn. Who gave the government the right to finance brothels in Brooklyn? That's Clemenza's territory.

Baylor published a study Friday saying three percent of women churchgoers have been the target of a minister's sex advances. The Baptist school may reflect Baptist concerns. An SMU study says six percent of all clergy tee their balls up in the rough.

U.S. officials said Monday that U.S. Special Forces operating in Somalia may have killed an al-Qaeda leader. They said they have to conduct a DNA test. Before the guy died he issued a statement saying he's the father of Michael Jackson's older children.

Osama bin Laden made a new audio recording Monday taunting President Obama for his support of Israel and forecasting America's fall. It confirms he's insane and has lost his marbles. Only an idiot would think that President Obama supports Israel.

Iran agreed to air ABC's drama Lost this fall because the show is wildly popular, second in bootleg DVD sales behind Fox's 24. That's remarkable. When you consider that in eight years Agent Jack Bauer has killed more Persians than Alexander the Great, you may oppose the Iranians but you have to admire them for being good sports.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-16-09

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

N.Y. Jets rookie Mark Sanchez won his first game Sunday after a pre-game pep talk from Broadway Joe Namath. It inspired him. Not only did he win the game, but when he woke up the next morning there were six girls in his bed and he was wearing pantyhose.

London Mayor Boris Johnson announced in New York Monday that London will hold an Age of Dickens street festival. It was an age of abject street poverty, unlike today. Barack Obama noticed a beggar on Wall Street Monday and put a bailout in his cup.

Tina Fey won an Emmy Sunday for her Sarah Palin impersonations on Saturday Night Live. She was embarrassed to accept it. Looking exactly like the funniest vice presidential candidate since Billy Carter gave her an unfair advantage over everybody.

Kanye West leaped onstage drunk at the MTV Awards Sunday and interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. His hard partying lifestyle is taking a toll on his health. His doctor just told him if he has six strong friends to put them on stand-by.

Serena Williams blew up at the U.S. Open at Forest Hills Saturday. She cussed out a judge and threatened to shove a tennis ball down her throat. By the end of the day she was fined ten thousand dollars and awarded the MTV Award for Best New Rap Artist.

Vampire Diaries actresses were fined four thousand dollars by a Georgia county for flashing their breasts at passing motorists from a highway overpass Friday. This isn't L.A. Plastic surgeons can't advertise on billboards in Georgia without a permit.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez secured Russia's aid Thursday in developing nuclear power for his country. He wants to be the first world leader to have oil, cocaine and nuclear weapons. That's what it takes to hang onto power after you socialize medicine.

Wall Street marked the one-year anniversary of the Lehman Brothers collapse on Monday. The crash affected the nation's psyche. Millions of kids enrolled in the Boy Scouts so they can learn how to live in the wild after they graduate from college.

President Obama decided to impose tariffs on Chinese-made automobile and truck tires on Friday. It takes a lot of courage to start a trade war with the country that's loaning us the money to keep our government running. They could dock his salary.

Bill Clinton's health was tabloid fodder Tuesday after Americans saw his hands trembling recently on television. He denied having Parkinson's disease and it's true. There's nine hundred pages of federal testimony that he can't control his hands.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told people to stop saying swine flu because it hurts hog farmers. The next presidential race has officially begun. Whenever a president's job approval rating slips into the forties, Iowa starts making its demands.

Libya hired British commandos Friday to train their troops in anti-terrorism. They are cool now. Libya's off the list of terrorist nations, but they want to stay in the Axis of Evil because they don't want to lose their group discount on health insurance.

New York City celebrated the four hundredth anniversary Sunday of the discovery of the Hudson River by English captain Henry Hudson. Thousands cheered as a replica of his ship the Half Moon sailed by the Statue of Liberty. CNN reported it as a suspicious vessel and sent the entire East Coast into a terrorism alert panic.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Gertrude Baines passed away in Southern California Thursday at one hundred and fifteen years of age. She died of what was described as natural causes in Los Angeles. She was shot to death trying to be the third car to turn left on a red light.

NASA ordered the space shuttle to land in Southern California Friday, resulting in two sonic booms over Los Angeles. People barely noticed. Once you've paid eight hundred thousand dollars for a fourteen-hundred-square-foot house, nothing scares you.

New York Yankees star Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig's record for most hits last week. The two men invite comparison. When Lou Gehrig said he was the luckiest man on the face of the earth, he'd never seen Derek Jeter enter a bar on Girls' Night Out.

Erin Andrews denied to Oprah Winfrey she staged that peephole video of herself in a hotel room that's all over the Internet. Oprah suspects it was a publicity stunt. She's an expert on the behavior of women who have been dieting and just hit their target weight.

Iraq will free the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush last fall. He started a craze. Since Barack Obama became president so many Republicans have thrown their shoes at the TV set that sales of flat-screens may save the economy.

GOP Congressman Joe Wilson became a GOP star Wednesday when he called President Obama a liar. That's all it takes to be a star in the reality TV era. The Actors Studio in New York just announced they're going to start offering classes in invective.

Tea Party protesters marched on the U.S. Capitol by the thousands Saturday where they protested bailouts, health reform and deficits. They want limited government, low taxes and liberty. Pigeons landed on them thinking they were the Founding Fathers.

President Obama addressed the nation Monday on the anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers. He's really reaching. It's just not true that if either one of the Lehman Brothers had had government health insurance they would not have collapsed.

President Obama went on CBS's 60 Minutes for his fifth appearance in a week. His TV ratings have gotten as low as his approval ratings. Bill Clinton was the first president to be impeached and Barack Obama could be the first president to be canceled.

Barack Obama told CBS's 60 Minutes Sunday he will own the health care bill if he signs it into law. What a capitalist. No Democrat has owned two car companies, three banks, an insurance company and the health care industry since Joe Kennedy died.

President Obama gave a speech on health care reform in Minneapolis Saturday. He was accompanied by Al Franken. Any time you advocate free drugs for everybody you can always count on the full support of the original cast of NBC's Saturday Night Live.

Palestinians protested Israel's decision to build more houses in the West Bank on Friday. It's a never ending cycle. Palestinians throw rocks at Israeli soldiers who retaliate by blowing up their houses, which just gives the Palestinians more rocks.

North Korea was believed to be preparing another nuclear bomb test Saturday as satellite photos showed delivery trucks near three detonation sites. No one can tell the real warheads from the dummies. Once they are in office, they all look alike.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Gertrude Baines of Los Angeles died at the age of a hundred and fifteen Friday in a local hospital. It relinquished her title of the world's oldest woman. Just minutes after she died, the White House released a statement saying they didn't do it.

Michael Jordan was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame Monday. He is a relentless competitor. There's a little old lady in Latvia who books numbers and she never takes a bet larger than three cents, and Michael Jordan owes her six thousand dollars.

The U.S. Coast Guard staged an attack drill on the Potomac near the Pentagon Friday. It caused a terror scare. Out of habit Charlie Sheen claimed the White House knew about the attack ahead of time and he declared victory when the White House agreed with him.

The World Trade Center memorial was held in New York Friday. It marked the day we were attacked by Saudi Arabians, prompting the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq. The National Geography Bee has since been established so this will never happen again.

President Obama called for a national day of service at the Pentagon memorial service Friday. He wants us all to do unpaid volunteer work for the country. Why is it that every time there is a Democrat in the Oval Office we become a nation of interns?

President Obama promised Friday that America will never waver in the pursuit of Osama bin Laden. For years he has gone from cave to cave hooked up to a dialysis machine. It's the kind of portability every American wants in a health insurance plan.

President Obama will give another televised address to the nation Monday. He's gotten way overexposed. Paris Hilton should warn him she now appears at brothel openings for ten dollars, which isn't that different from speaking to Congress for free.

President Obama agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il Friday. It may be time. At Kim Jong Il's last birthday party, Syria gave him chemical weapons and you could tell by the look on his face when he opened the gift he already has some.

The London Sun reports Mohammed became the second-most popular boy's name in England last year. The most popular boy's name by far is Oliver. The economy is so bad in England that parents are naming their children after Dickens characters.

The White House took pains to reassure seniors about health care reform Thursday after seniors showed such passionate opposition in town hall meetings. Older people possess a unique talent for getting in everyone's way. They should be guarding Kuwait.

Michelle Obama agreed Friday to go to Copenhagen to lobby the IOC on behalf of Chicago's bid to host the Olympics in seven years. The games would make great TV if they were in Chicago. Mrs. O'Leary's cow could run the last mile to light the torch.

Acorn workers were caught on tape Thursday counseling undercover actors how to get a loan to set up a brothel with underage women. Democrats were furious over the stunt. Now that all the primetime dramas have been replaced by reality shows and Jay Leno, actors are so desperate for air time they are bringing down their own party.

The Netherlands loaned a New York museum the original receipt for Dutch explorer Peter Minuit's purchase of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians four hundred years ago for twenty-six dollars. Liberals cringed. If it turns out that the white man bought the country from the Indians instead of stole it, all charges could be dropped.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-13-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave a health care speech to nurses Thursday one day after his health care speech to Congress. It's his thirtieth speech on health care. If Mike Vick beat a dead horse like this he would be sent back to prison for violating parole.

The White House canceled NASA'S new moon mission Friday over lack of money. We don't need the space program for that trip. All we have to do is hire a mountain climber to climb to the top of the deficit and he will get to the moon halfway there.

Great White sharks were spotted in the waters off Cape Cod last week. Swimmers are warned by lifeguards to poke a shark in the eyes if a shark approaches them. So when the contest is man versus nature, our best option is the Three Stooges Defense.

Charlie Sheen wrote President Obama a letter Tuesday asking him to investigate if President Bush let the World Trade Center attacks occur. The actor's gone off the deep end. He even asked CBS to change the name of his sitcom to Two and a Half Towers.

President Obama sent a note to Congress Thursday renewing the state of emergency declared after the 9-11 attack for another year. It's a legal necessity. The state of emergency must be renewed annually, otherwise we risk becoming a free country again.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was asked to resign by GOP state House members Wednesday. He told his wife he went hiking but flew to Argentina to see his mistress. Half of all married men commit adultery in America and the rest go out of the country.

California lawmaker Mike Duvall of Yorba Linda was taped bragging about his sexual affairs with utility lobbyists. The Nixon Library is in his district. He represents an ancient and proud tradition of getting caught on tape screwing the American people.

President Obama goes on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday, then he gives another primetime speech Monday. Republicans are thrilled. President Obama will be on against Sunday Night Football and Monday Night Football and that could be enough to get him canceled.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu was kept out of the Capitol building during President Obama's speech Wednesday. It's for continuity of government if a bomb blew up the building. They didn't keep Hillary out because they didn't want to give her a motive.

Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for shouting that President Obama was a liar during his speech to Congress. Calling someone a liar is a breach of protocol. The only terms you are allowed to use on the floor of the House are socialist and Nazi.

Republicans said Thursday the health care reform bill covers illegal aliens. Why would illegals prefer America's health plan to Mexico's health plan? Now that Mexico has legalized pot and cocaine, America's prescription drug plan is really squaresville.

President Obama insisted on a public health care plan that pays for itself. It is doable. They've ruled out a soda tax, but they think they can make billions by selling the broadcast rights for a reality show about the senior citizen death panels.

Acorn counselors were caught on videotape Thursday arranging housing loans for undercover actors posing as a hooker and her pimp. The counselor advised them how to stash underage Salvadoran hookers. Acorn receives tons of federal tax dollars under the theory that if the hookers are young enough, it is technically a green job.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama warned Congress Wednesday that people will die if we do nothing about health care. Of course people will also die if we do something. If history proves anything it is that nothing is more recession-proof than the funeral business.

Mexican police foiled an AeroMexico hijacking in Cancun Wednesday. Tourism is booming there. They waited until the U.S. built the border wall then they legalized pot and cocaine, and now it's the only country in the world with a bouncer at the door.

Environmental Working Group tested cell phones for radiation Wednesday and found out the Motorola Moto emits the highest radiation levels. It's made in Japan. They were going to name the phone Hiroshima's Revenge but Moto fits better on the handset.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was urged to resign Tuesday by a majority of Republicans in the state House. They are serious. Baptists don't allow you to have both a wife and a soulmate, it's right there in the Confederate Constitution.

The Hubble Telescope relayed spectacular photos from space in brilliant colors Tuesday. They show pinwheels of red and blue light flaring millions of miles into the abyss. The California wildfires finally reached the Disneyland fireworks storage shed.

President Obama asked Congress Wednesday for a public option in the health care bill. Who'll pay for it is no secret. Democrats don't just believe in soaking the rich, they believe that all yacht races should start a mile upstream from Niagara Falls.

President Obama told Congress Wednesday that he isn't the first president in U.S. history to propose health care reform but he's determined to be the last. He doesn't have to worry about that. If he loses the House, the Senate and re-election, he will be.

U.S. Congressman Dr. Charles Boustany of Louisiana delivered the GOP response to President Obama's speech to Congress on health care. He's a heart surgeon. The people eat so much fried food in Louisiana he is also a licensed Roto Rooter operator.

President Obama gave an interview to Men's Health magazine Monday and proposed taxing sodas. The idea was immediately shot down by House Democrats. Never propose a tax hike in the one magazine Barney Frank reads the morning it hits the newsstands.

Joe Kennedy declined to run for his uncle Teddy's Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat Tuesday. He lacks the dash of his father and uncles anyway. If the Kennedy men are so sophisticated, then why did it take Teddy nine hours to open the door for a woman?

General McChrystal banned U.S. troops from drinking alcohol in Afghanistan. Iraq is the only Muslim country which allows drinking. The only reason President Bush didn't invade Saudi Arabia is because he didn't think the troops would stay long enough.

Michael Jackson's family decided Tuesday to turn Neverland Ranch into a museum and an amusement park in his honor. It can't handle the traffic. The six-mile road to the ranch is only a lane and a half wide, just wide enough for an adult and a child.

Commonwealth School in Los Angeles tried to tune into President Obama's speech to schoolkids on the radio to broadcast over the P.A. system Tuesday. They accidentally played Rush Limbaugh's running commentary of the speech instead. The kids came home that night and told their parents that forcing them to share their toys was socialism.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama laid out a health care plan for Congress Wednesday. It creates a huge bureaucracy and still doesn't cover everybody. Democrats approach health care the way the Amish go hunting, they sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

The Lingerie Football League began Sunday when girls of the Miami Bliss played the Chicago Caliente. It aired on Pay-per-View. The sight of Indians in war dress standing on the sideline doesn't make sense until you see them go into the rain dance.

Citi Field has been plagued with cracks and plumbing and wiring problems since the New York Mets opened their new ballpark. Chunks of concrete just fell from the upper deck onto seats below. The team announced that for the rest of the season every night is Helmet Night.

Dutch royals visited New York Tuesday to mark four hundred years since New York was discovered by Henry Hudson. The colonies sprang up instantly. It's a reminder to everyone that America enjoyed its greatest growth when it was an offshore tax haven.

Queen Victoria's bloomers went on display in London Tuesday. When young she had a tiny waist, but the bloomers have a sixty-inch waist. That's why in America we force our presidents to leave office after eight years before the pastry chef can kill them.

Cash for Gold parties broke out nationwide Tuesday after gold prices spiked to a thousand dollars an ounce. Some people are getting rich. The White House pay czar just declared that jewel thieves should do the moral thing and give back their bonuses.

Michael Vick spoke to a high school class in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's part of his community service. Earlier that day President Obama had urged schoolchildren to always do the right thing, and Mike Vick was invited to give the opposition response.

President Obama gave the nation's schoolchildren a heart-rending speech Tuesday about his own rough childhood. it was a reworking of his campaign speech two years ago, but the kids didn't know it. If you can't write new jokes, find younger audiences.

White House adviser Van Jones quit Sunday after accusing the U.S. of imperialism and boasting that he's a Marxist. He won't be forgotten. He was only in office seven months and already there is a sewage plant named after him at the Wharton Business School.

President Obama will get to be the first U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council this fall. He could be forced to mediate a dispute over Israeli settlements in the West Bank. If he sides with the Palestinians it could cost him re-election, and if he sides with the Israelis, Osama bin Laden will release his birth certificate.

Los Angeles firefighters leaped to safety when a sinkhole swallowed a fire truck Tuesday after a water main burst and flooded a suburb. Every homeowner got fined. Under water rationing, you're only allowed to water your lawn on Mondays and Thursdays.

Senator Harry Reid emerged from the Oval Office Tuesday saying the health care bill was ninety percent of the way there. How familiar. At the conclusion of every Middle East peace conference they say both sides are ninety percent of the way there, they've agreed on everything except borders, Jerusalem and Israel's right to exist.

A German AIDS prevention group made an ad starring an Adolf Hitler look-alike to show that AIDS is a mass murderer. The commercial shows him having unsafe sex with a girl in her apartment, but the message backfired. It's intended to show that AIDS is a mass murderer but instead it just makes the point that women really go for bad boys.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama addressed the AFL-CIO in Cincinnati Monday and demanded health care reform. A heated debate broke out shortly after the speech. No one could agree on whether he's beating a dead horse or if it was shot on the track after the race.

The Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas purchased Michael Jackson's gold glove Monday, paying fifty-eight thousand dollars. It helps to be famous. The county sheriff in Boston just auctioned off a Catholic church and didn't get nearly that much for it.

Great White sharks swarmed off the Massachusetts coast Sunday. They have excellent sonar. The sharks heard there was a town-hall meeting on the beach on health care reform and the Great Whites came to express their opposition to a government takeover.

Terry Bradshaw will begin his sixteenth season entertaining viewers on Fox NFL Sunday this weekend. The network always sends a limo to bring him to the studio. A few weeks ago he moved into a new house with a circular driveway and he can't get out.

Southern California entered its third week of wildfires in the mountains above Los Angeles Monday. It affects everything out here. The air is so bad right now that whenever Michael Phelps opens his window the smoke actually pours into the party.

President Obama spoke to the nation's schoolkids Tuesday. It was a nonpartisan talk. He wanted kids to know that the best way to avoid the flu is to wash their hands and the best way to die from the flu is to allow Republicans to block health care reform.

The White House fired Van Jones over his incendiary comments Saturday. His words were libelous. He called President Bush a crackhead when Democrats know perfectly well that crack didn't come out until a full year after George W. Bush quit doing coke.

White House adviser Van Jones blamed his firing Sunday on a vicious right-wing campaign by reform opponents. He really doesn't want to leave town. He's extremely paranoid and living in Washington D.C. is the only place where his fears are justified.

Michael Moore began promoting Capitalism: A Love Story on Monday. The Internet is wrecking the movie business. When Michael Moore decided he'd do a movie about killing capitalism he never thought he'd have to compete with the White House website.

House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel of Harlem faced new calls for him to resign Monday amid more financial scandals. The signs aren't good. Last night he dropped off his clothes at the dry cleaner and they asked him to pay cash up front.

India announced plans Monday to construct a three-hundred-foot-high statue of India's greatest naval hero, Chhatrapati Shivaji, off the Indian Ocean coast. What a smart idea. Nobody ever thought of using a scarecrow to keep the Somali pirates away.

Massachusetts' former Congressman Joe Kennedy elected Monday not to run for Teddy's Senate seat. Polling shows the state is too conservative to elect a Kennedy family member. His only hope is to get President Obama to appoint him as Czar of All the Bostons.

The White House came under fire Monday for all the czars working in the White House who have extensive government power without being confirmed by the U.S. Senate. There are over thirty czars. Somebody needs to sit down and explain to Barack Obama that the whole idea of communism is to overthrow the czars, not appoint them.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson was buried under a full moon Thursday at midnight as fires burned in the hills over the cemetery. Arson detectives bumped into sex slave detectives on the ridge line. Living in L.A. is like living inside Stephen King's brain during an aneurysm.

White House adviser Van Jones was quoted Friday admitting he's a communist. They think everything must be equal. Communists thought it unfair in Dallas Saturday that some beer vendors got the Oklahoma section while others got the Brigham Young section.

The New York Times cited a new medical study Saturday saying people over sixty who drink moderately have a lower risk of Alzheimer's and dementia. The news gets even better. It turns out that liver disease improves the solvency of Social Security.

Mad Men was renewed for a fourth season by AMC Thursday. It highlights all the drinking and smoking and sex in the office at a Manhattan ad agency in the Sixties. If America hadn't gone and rebuilt Europe and Japan, work would still be this much fun.

Cape Cod beachgoers were frightened Saturday when they saw a Great White Shark offshore. Everybody's moving in on Teddy's Senate seat. After fifty years, people in Massachusetts might finally have a senator who could have reached Mary Jo Kopechne.

O.J. Simpson was denied release from prison by the Nevada Supreme Court Friday. His lawyers made a strong case. They said if Scotland can release the Lockerbie bomber because he's got terminal cancer, Nevada can release O.J. because it's football season.

The Labor Department reported Friday America has its highest unemployment rate in twenty-six years. It's bad. Labor Day used to be a day for picnics and mattress sales but now it's a solemn hoilday when people light candles in memory of their jobs.

President Obama enjoyed himself at the AFL-CIO picnic in Cincinnati over Labor Day weekend. He loved the food and the company but he refused to play softball with reporters. The whole idea of a holiday is to get away from your everyday routine.

President Obama gave a speech to the AFL-CIO Monday, to school kids Tuesday, and to Congress Wednesday. If you want to honor Labor Day, somebody should organize the White House speechwriters so they don't have to work under these sweatshop conditions.

The White House warned Saturday that half the country could contract swine flu this fall. Immunologists say the danger is to elderly and young people. Swine flu appears to be a Baby Boomer plot to inherit the money and get rid of the competition.

President Obama proposed giving Americans one thousand dollars a year for every two thousand dollars you put in a retirement savings account. They're going to have to print money to pay for this. It's a great idea unless you are a bondholder or a tree.

President Obama gives a speech to America's school children today. Who planned this fiasco? School doesn't even start until Wednesday in Los Angeles, Boston and New York, allowing Fox News to report that forty million children boycotted the speech.

House Minority Leader John Boehner asked the networks to give the GOP airtime to respond to the president's speech to Congress. They gave it to him. If Republicans win control of Congress next election, he'll be the new Speaker of the House and Nancy Pelosi will be forced to sue the Miss California Pageant to get her crown back.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson's funeral was held at midnight Thursday as brushfires raged in the background. What a mistake. If you're going to scatter Michael Jackson's ashes over the San Gabriel Mountains you wait until he stops burning before you do it.

The New York Yankees changed a Sunday night game in late September to a day game because Yom Kippur starts at sundown. It's the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. The Cubs played a double-header on Yom Kippur one hundred years ago and you know the rest.

Chicago Mayor Richard Daley saw a list of the city's crack houses Thursday and noticed that his press secretary owns one of the buildings. Politics is a tough racket. The press secretary had to evict his only tenant who pays on time and in cash.

Teddy Kennedy's memoirs were excerpted in the New York Times Thursday, where he wrote about how the Green Bay Packers scouted him as a football player. His life would have been so different. He would have derailed his career by driving into Lake Superior.

Labor Day picnics were held across the Midwest by labor unions Monday. The day is intended to give working people a chance to forget about the problems of the world and to enjoy an afternoon with nothing to do. It's like being vice president for a day.

Michael Vick's NFL suspension was reduced to two games Friday. No one is that mad anymore. With people biting off each other's fingers over health care reform, dogfights now look like a halfway house for people who want to quit town hall meetings.

New York City College hired former governor Eliot Spitzer to teach a course on government and politics Thursday. They're paying him forty-five hundred dollars. The salary's non-negotiable, forty-five hundred dollars is the going rate for clunkers.

Barack Obama's desire to address schoolkids Tuesday ran into fierce opposition from parents. Opponents say it promotes a cult of personality and said they'll keep their kids out of school tomorrow. Republicans are calling it Take Our Children to Golf Day.

The Labor Department reported the highest unemployment rate in twenty-six years Friday, near ten percent. That's all we've gotten for the eight-hundred-billion-dollar stimulus package. Americans haven't paid so much for so little since Nouvelle Cuisine.

Beatles fans are lining up to buy The Beatles: RockBand, a year after Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and John Lennon and George Harrison's widows agreed to the animated video game featuring remastered Beatles hits. Afghanistan and Iraq could learn from this. There's no tribal rift that can't be healed by pure capitalism.

White House adviser Van Jones apologized on Friday for signing a petition five years ago accusing the Bush White House of allowing the World Trade Center attack. Outsiders are always bomb throwers. Ever since Van Jones got his new job, the idea of the White House secretly controlling everything in the world has his full approval.

Van Jones refused to resign as Green Jobs Czar Thursday after background checks showed him to be a radical communist. His vetting was sloppy. The White House always asks appointees if there's anything in their background that could embarrass the president, but they never bother reading anything that's over one thousand pages long.

Sarah Palin makes a paid speech to an investment group in Hong Kong this month. While she's traveling all over the world, her estranged husband is at home coping with family chaos. It shows that life imitates art, but more often it imitates Jon and Kate.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-6-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Thousand Oaks, California, had an ugly health care reform riot Thursday. An Obama supporter bit the finger off an Obama opponent. The White House plans to show the video to school kids to teach them the importance of washing your hands and brushing your teeth.

Dallas Cowboys Stadium hosted a college football game Saturday between Brigham Young and the Oklahoma Sooners. This is a ninety-year-old rivalry. Oklahoma fans are still angry about Prohibition and Brigham Young fans are still angry about Repeal.

The USC Trojans played in Los Angeles Coliseum Saturday despite brushfires. It all worked out. The fire department used old army planes to dump water on the hillsides and within the hour the hillsides confessed the location of Osama bin Laden.

The Dallas Cowboys were rated the most valuable NFL team by Forbes Tuesday. All the teams held their value last year. History will show that everyone lost money during the Great Recession except people who had their money tied up in football and cocaine.

Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest at Forest Lawn cemetery Thursday. His funeral service took place two months after he died. The family wanted President Obama to deliver one more speech to the nation and see if he could somehow be revived.

President Obama will spell out health care reform to Congress Wednesday. Those town halls were hard for him to watch. When he urged Americans to become more active and involved with their government, he meant only those Americans who agreed with him.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday she's open to a health care bill without the public option as long as it has a trigger for a public option. This isn't going to work. Just because you place a trigger in the bill doesn't mean the NRA is going to back it.

Teddy Kennedy explained his side of Chappaquiddick in his memoir leaked to the New York Times Thursday. He drove his car off a bridge and left his female passenger to drown, while he swam to safety and waited ten hours to report the accident. To this day, Bill Clinton can't believe the country made such a big deal out of oral sex.

Levi Johnston told reporters Sarah Palin tried to adopt Bristol's baby to hide her pregnancy. It's not a favorable culture for women. Under Alaskan law a man can leave his wife everything in a trust, but she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

President Obama will address American gradeschoolers Tuesday. Some parents will keep their kids home because they don't want them indoctrinated with anti-capitalist ideas. The last thing anyone wants is for the Girl Scouts to be tossing their cookies.

The White House nixed plans for kids to write essays on ways they can help the president after the idea prompted national outrage. It's all innocent. All President Obama wanted to know was what they did on vacation, what their goals are in life, and what their parents say about President Obama when they think nobody's listening.

The Washington Post called on Charlie Rangel Friday to step down as House Ways and Means Chairman over crooked money deals. He was ready for them. When the numbers didn't add up on his financial disclosure forms he accused arithmetic of being racist.

Fidel Castro said Thursday he discussed what he called the Bush administration errors and horrors with Hollywood filmmaker Oliver Stone. He said that the ends do not justify the means. Cubans would be happy if their ends just had toilet paper.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson was placed in a mausoleum Friday next to Walt Disney and Three Stooges star Larry Fine. He's between a cartoonist and a stooge. They wanted to find a appropriate resting place and they finally settled on the Low Comedy Pavilion.

Japan's Democratic Party enjoyed a landslide victory in Sunday's election. The party wants to break away from the U.S. and project Japanese power in the Pacific. In a related story, today's Hawaiian independence rally in Honolulu has been canceled.

Diane Sawyer was named nightly anchor for ABC World News Tonight Tuesday. She was the prototype for the blonde, beauty pageant-winning news reporter. Today's list of Fox News reporters proves that Diane Sawyer was the original Octomom.

President Obama will personally appeal to Congress for health care reform next week. He thinks he can win them over with his own story. His mother had no coverage and was turned down by hospital after hospital until finally, he was born in a manger.

The Vatican issued an edict Wednesday instructing practicing Roman Catholics to pray before they have sex. The church wants the faithful to invite God into the act of procreation beforehand. Screaming his name fifteen minutes later doesn't count.

The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will address a joint session of Congress next week and lay out his plan for health care reform. The president is writing the speech himself. It will be the second eulogy he's given in two weeks.

Levi Johnston told Vanity Fair Sarah Palin wanted to adopt her daughter's baby to conceal the pregnancy. He's making a lot of this up. If he'd really been a sex slave in Sarah Palin's back yard one of the news helicopters would have seen the shack.

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer was reported Monday to be mulling a political comeback with a run for the U.S. Senate. It doesn't sound like he's completely rehabilitated yet. He's asked that all donations be made in four-thousand-dollar bills.

Hillary Clinton ordered a probe Wednesday of U.S. Embassy guards in Afghanistan accused of partying with booze, hookers and deviant sex. She said she won't tolerate that kind of behavior, but she doesn't have a lot of credibility. There is no corner of the globe that doesn't know the story about her husband and the cigar.

Sesame Street's Elmo starred in ads urging kids to wash their hands and sneeze into their elbows to avoid swine flu. Creativity makes it fun. Once the vaccines are ready they are going to bring out Tickle Me Belushi and urge kids to get injected.

California firefighters saved the TV towers atop Mount Wilson Tuesday. Network broadcasts could have been destroyed by the blaze. In order for President Obama to address Los Angeles next week he would have had to materialize next to a burning bush.

Iraq announced it will release the journalist who was imprisoned for throwing his shoes at President Bush at a Baghdad press conference. The shoe manufacturer in Turkey sold hundreds of thousands of the shoe he threw to fans in the Arab world. For the next month, everybody who wanted to sell anything was throwing it at President Bush.

Boston Red Sox legend Curt Schilling said Tuesday he may run for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat as a Republican. Don't miss the swearing-in. When he places his hand on the Bible to take the oath of office, he'll deny taking steroids just out of habit.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer hinted Monday he may run for the Senate next year. His career was derailed by a sex scandal when he was outed as a call girl client. Perhaps no one can fill Teddy Kennedy's shoes, but the race is on to try.

The U.S. government pay raise for civil servants was lowered to just two percent on Monday. They deserve a raise. Now that civil servants are running the U.S. automotive, banking and housing industries, the taxpayer has never gotten a better bang for the buck.

Los Angeles brushfires doubled in size Tuesday as the flames reached hillsides and suburbs only fifteen miles from downtown. Progress was slow. Firefighters had to go house-to-house in remote canyon areas checking the backyards for sex slaves.

Southern California was declared a disaster area Monday. Federal officials say they're applying the disaster management lesson of Hurricane Katrina. The lesson is, push the flames toward wealthy people with insurance, then let the lawyers sort it out.

President Obama spoke of the approaching swine flu epidemic in the Rose Garden Tuesday. He urged everybody to sneeze into their elbows. This way only square dancers will transmit swine flu to each other and it'll only kill Republicans.

Great Britain denied Tuesday that they released the terminally ill Lockerbie bomber for a Libyan oil deal. It would be morally repugnant. We'll liberate Kuwait for oil, we'll invade Iraq for oil, but showing mercy for oil is a line even Dick Cheney won't cross.

Dick Cheney was touted by a Wall Street Journal columnist Tuesday as the ideal Republican candidate for president. Don't laugh. Dick Cheney has tremendous name recognition across America, and if he can overcome that he could be our next president.

President Obama held a Ramadan dinner at the White House Tuesday for diplomats from Mideast countries, U.S. Muslim activists and the head of the PLO mission. The Secret Service runs background checks on everybody who comes into the building. That's why President Obama had to break into the house when he got back from Martha's Vineyard.

Moammar Khadaffi celebrated his fortieth year as dictator of Libya Monday. All geologists say the crude oil in Libya is the lightest and sweetest in the world. It's the only oil allowed to carry the Johnny Walker label on the side of its barrels.

U.S. Postal Service officials met in Cuba about resuming mail service Tuesday. It's due. For fifty years mail has gone from Miami to Washington and then to Haiti before ending up in Cuba, and that was just for letters that were sent from Miami to Orlando.

George Will wrote Tuesday we should only do in Afghanistan what we can do from offshore. Great idea. There'd be a lot less violence if poppy farmers wired their money to the Cayman Islands instead of leaving all that cash lying around in the cave.

The White House said President Obama will spell out his requirements for a new health care law in a speech next week. Congress fumbled the ball. Under Nancy Pelosi's leadership, HMOs have gone from being the most hated symbol of corporate greed in America to the greatest symbol of liberty since France gave us the statue.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi changed the on-hold music for callers to the Capitol this summer from patriotic songs to smooth jazz. Caller outrage over the change just forced her office to change it back. The transition from Yankee Doodle to smooth jazz has been a flop with the public and the change in the music didn't go over either.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Great Britain was criticized Monday for allowing a terrorist to go home to Libya in exchange for an oil deal with Libya. It's a tough call. Choosing between locking up a terrorist or getting the oil is a decision Dick Cheney hopes he never has to make.

Dick Cheney ripped the White House Sunday for probing the way the CIA interrogated terrorists by using immersion, head slapping and sticking their heads in buckets of ice water. What's the big deal? This is how college kids prepare for class most mornings.

The Washington Post ran an editorial Sunday praising Ted Kennedy and saying they will miss his moral clarity. So will the comedians. The only way they could have set us up any better would be if they'd praised his drive.

The Today Show hired President Bush's daughter Jenna as a correspondent Monday to do stories about education. It's historic that another Bush is going into public life. This means that U.S. troops will be standing by in Kuwait for one more generation.

ESPN announced Monday their reporters will be interviewing players in hologram form soon. The test was wildly successful. Of course, not all virtual interviews will be as exciting as Michael Vick being interviewed by the guard dogs from Hogan's Heroes.

Walt Disney bought Marvel Comics for four billion dollars Monday. It was to get Spider Man and Iron Man. If someone had told you ten years ago that Robert Downey Jr. would be a Disney icon, you'd have said we'll elect a black president before that happens.

President Obama was reported Monday to be soon to play a golf round with Tiger Woods. It's a big mistake. The nation is nine trillion dollars in the hole and if the president wants to start winning it back he should be playing with Michael Jordan.

John Daly skipped the PGA tournament at the Barclay's last week to record some of his favorite ballads for a CD. His lifestyle is taking its toll. After his last physical exam John Daly's doctor told him that if he has six strong friends, to put them on stand-by.

Fox News host Glenn Beck lost Clorox as a TV sponsor after he called President Obama a racist. Everyone's too sensitive. The company that once promised to get your whites whiter is now promising to get your whites into diversity training.

Southern California brushfires neared broadcast towers on Mt. Wilson Monday. The blaze threatened to cut off all cell phone service and texting and Twitter service. It could be the biggest improvement to auto safety since the invention of the seat belt.

California wildfires emitted a huge mushroom cloud of smoke over Los Angeles Monday. It looked like Hiroshima. We'll never be safe until the Pentagon develops a missile defense system that can protect us from the camp stoves of Mexican marijuana growers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger directed California firefighting efforts Monday with that booming voice of his. He loves to send the tankers and aircraft and water cannons into action. His contract as governor allows him to direct three episodes each season.

Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez was accused by players of working them longer than the twenty-hour-a-week limit. They already fill up thirteen stadiums a year and get paid nothing. Abe Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation freed all slaves held in rebel territory, but excluded those in Union territory or in college football.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 9-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Teddy Kennedy was eulogized at his funeral mass in Boston Saturday. Two of his sons and the priest and the president gave moving speeches. Arnold Schwarzenegger was in attendance in case he was needed but they decided to put the casket on rollers.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency due to wildfires ringing Los Angeles Friday. The flames and smoke were everywhere. All the child kidnappers woke up Saturday and looked out the window and just assumed they had died.

ABC News and NBC News refused to air an ad that is critical of the president's universal health care proposal. It's the exact same White House-media complicity that got us stuck inside Iraq. All of our quagmires are about either oil or communism.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown launched an investigation into Michael Jackson's doctors. It's very serious. California has the toughest consumer laws in the country and Jerry Brown knows perfectly well what a drug overdose should cost.

Hurricane Danny weakened to a tropical storm and drenched the Eastern Seaboard with rain and pounded Atlantic beaches with high surf. It made landfall Saturday. The tropical storm became a depression overnight when lending froze up for no reason.

South Carolina and Oklahoma experienced several earthquakes Saturday. This was a phenomenon that geologists couldn't explain. We know why the earth is moving in South Carolina but the governor of Oklahoma wouldn't think of looking at another woman.

Dallas Cowboys Stadium prompted an NFL rule change Friday. If a punt ricochets off the overhanging video board, the down is replayed and clock reset. If a player ricochets off the board he'll be ejected for not bringing enough cocaine for everybody.

Teddy Kennedy was hailed Saturday for pioneering federal legislation to search for alternatives to animal testing. He didn't like it at all. Scientists tested health care reform on two laboratory rats and they were both bankrupt within the hour.

Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Friday she will use Ted Kennedy's name to try to push health care reform legislation through the U.S. Congress. It's only right. That way when the bill falls on its face everyone will think of dear old Teddy.

President Obama flew back to Martha's Vineyard following Ted Kennedy's funeral in Boston Saturday to play a few more rounds of golf. Presidents are all alike. He said he had a five on one hole but the Congressional Budget Office scored it a nine.

The Department of Health forecast Friday that the swine flu will hit Hispanics and blacks four times more than white people. The research is solid. They looked at the virus under a microscope and it was wearing a teeny white hood over a teeny white robe.

Dick Cheney denounced the White House for investigating the CIA's interrogators of terror suspects. They helped to prevent a terrorist attack on Los Angeles. If al-Qaeda want to destroy California all they have to do is move here and run for office.

Homeland Security's former chief Tom Ridge claimed the Bush administration tried to raise the terror alert the weekend before President Bush's re-election without cause. It brings up bad memories. Every time Americans see that roll of duct tape in the kitchen drawer it's a grim reminder to all of us that we will believe anything.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio