Argus Hamilton's column for 6-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Academy Awards doubled the number of Best Picture nominees to ten instead of five Wednesday. They're desperate to boost TV ratings. They dropped the steroids test for presenters and made Girls Gone Wild videos eligible for Best Documentary.

President Obama confessed Tuesday he has not kicked his decades-long cigarette habit. He says he's no longer a smoker but he sometimes smokes. It's like claiming you're just being frugal when you ask the bartender at closing time for a doggy glass.

The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will attend the Major League Baseball All-Star game in St. Louis in July. It's a ceremonial appearance. Before the game he is going to throw out the first ten amendments to the Constitution.

Italy's premier Silvio Berlusconi had a press conference in Rome Friday where he denied hiring hookers. He said that paying for sex would take away his sense of satisfaction from the conquest. He's seeing three girls, Abyssinia, Brittania and Gaul.

President Obama snapped at reporters Tuesday when they asked if he has quit smoking. His office aides carry Nicorette gum at all times in case he gets a craving. Think of all the political careers that could be saved if somebody would invent Infidelity Gum.

Governor Mark Sanford flew to Argentina to see a woman he met online. He says he's sorry and has begun rehabilitation. He resigned as head of the GOP Governors Association and plans to devote his life to teaching computer literacy to married men.

Governor Sanford's adultery admission Wednesday was the fourth GOP sex scandal in a year after Eliot Spitzer and Senators David Vitter and John Ensign. They must stop running the movie Santa Fe Trail at GOP retreats. Whenever they see Ronald Reagan and Errol Flynn in the same movie a lot of Republicans forget which one they're following.

The Congressional Black Caucus was put under an ethics investigation Wednesday over their Caribbean conference. It was paid for by a lobbyist. Soon Congressmen will have to wear uniforms like racecar drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

The National Archives released Oval Office tapes of President Nixon talking to Bob Hope Monday. The comedian was recorded flattering Nixon about how smart and wise he was. Bob Hope had no idea he was being recorded, or he would have charged a lot more money.

The Congress on Racial Equality sent a letter to congressmen Friday saying the climate bill is an immoral assault on poor Americans and minorities. It caused chaos on Capitol Hill. Republicans thought they were supposed to be against this bill.

Iran challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi's college-dean wife Zahra Rahnavard charged Wednesday that the government of Iran has imposed martial law on the streets and violated Iran's constitution. They're very close. Ever since the Internet was shut down in Iran, husbands and wives have been forced to spend more personal time together.

Goldman Sachs announced Monday it will award huge bonuses to all their traders who enjoyed a record first half of the year. The New York Yankees were thrilled to hear it. Nothing is tougher than getting laughs when the first five rows are empty.

Iran's soccer players wore green tape on their wrists in protest at the World Cup qualifying match in South Korea. These kids are so incredibly brave. At any moment during the match they could have been crushed by a dud rocket from North Korea.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Ford Motors rolled out a new model of the classic Mustang Monday with a Shelby engine optional. Baby Boomers love it. Sure it's expensive, but with a top speed of one hundred and sixty miles an hour it's a lot cheaper than nursing home insurance.

L.A. Dodger Manny Ramirez was mobbed by fans in Albuquerque Tuesday during minor league rehab. The city is the home to top secret federal nuclear research labs. He went to Albuquerque as a steroid user and he is coming back to Los Angeles as Godzilla.

Public Enemies premiered in Chicago Monday starring Johnny Depp as bank robber John Dillinger. The actor made news hours after the screening by leaving a waiter a four thousand dollar tip. No one even knew that a sequel to Blow was in production.

ABC News gave Barack Obama all Wednesday night to lobby for health care reform but ratings tanked. Sex always wins. ABC News televised health care sob stories while all the other networks were airing a new episode of Republicans Gone Wild.

Italy's premier Silvio Berlusconi insisted the girls at his villa on the weekend are starlets, not hookers. It's called preparation. To rehearse for next month's meeting of industrial leaders in Italy, Silvio is entertaining a Group of Eight every weekend.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford apologized publicly Thursday for cheating on his wife. It could go either way. Republicans believe marriage is a union between a man and a woman, while South Carolina has always believed in seceding from the union.

Governor Mark Sanford's adultery confession Wednesday may have hurt his chances to run for president. Or did it? He dropped out of sight and didn't say a word for four days, and Americans are finding that more and more attractive in a candidate.

Senator Max Baucus said Thursday it may be necessary to raise taxes to pay for health care reform if taxing benefits doesn't raise enough. We've all seen this in detective movies. His job is to kill the U.S. economy and make it look like an accident.

Congress launched an investigation of Sammy Sosa for lying to a House Committee about steroid use Monday. This is just silly. Players will give up taking steroids when congressmen take down the giant billboards of themselves in their home districts.

The National Archives released more audiotape of President Nixon's Oval Office conversations Monday. He used profane, racist, anti-Semitic and sexist language frankly and casually. His Oval Office was like a chat room that never banned anybody.

President Obama was reported Wednesday to have sent a letter addressed to the Supreme Leader of Iran before the election offering better relations and increased mutual cooperation. Americans aren't pleased. George W. Bush may have been hapless but the only man he ever addressed as Supreme Leader was the Commissioner of Baseball.

The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will stop in Rome and visit with Pope Benedict during his trip to Italy in July. The president wasn't able to comment about the meeting. He was at the National Cathedral posing for a wall.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce reported Tuesday that shoplifters stole over thirty-seven billion dollars in merchandise last year. Economists were thrilled by the news. They say it shows consumer demand will come back when the prices are low enough.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-28-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama declared Tuesday he's ninety-five percent cured of smoking but wouldn't say when he last smoked. This is the difference between his generation and the last one. He can admit that he used cocaine but he's got to lie about smoking.

Manny Ramirez sold out two minor league stadiums last week as L.A. fans prepared to welcome him back. People out here think his fifty-game steroid penalty was too severe. Britney Spears only got four games for getting out of a car without underwear.

Chris Brown was sentenced to probation in Los Angeles Monday for beating Rihanna. He's also agreed to perform fourteen hundred hours of agricultural labor in Virginia. His attorney promised him that the Emancipation Proclamation would get him released early.

The White House named AT&T's former CEO Ed Whitacre to be head of General Motors last week and to bring GM back to profitability. He was a real catch. Three other companies were after him--the electric company, the phone company and the gas company.

President Obama condemned Iran Tuesday for their bloody street crackdown on protesters. His responses are escalating. It began last week when he killed a fly while being interviewed on TV, knowing full well that the fly is Iran's national bird.

President Obama stayed cool Tuesday when reporters asked about nuclear threats to the U.S. from Iran and North Korea. The pressure is mounting. Rand McNally is on a deadline for the new world atlas and they need to know who's going to be on the map.

North Korea warned all ships sailing in the Northwest Pacific Tuesday to steer clear of the region in the days leading up to Independence Day. It's a really bad idea for them to launch a missile on the Fourth of July. Somebody could lose a finger.

The National Archives released tapes of Richard Nixon's Oval Office tapes last week. In one tape he urged GOP Chairman George H.W. Bush to recruit beautiful GOP women to be the face of the party. President Nixon will go down in history as the Father of Fox News.

Afghanistan announced the opening of their first national park on Wednesday. It's clear what happened. Somebody must have discovered oil and stuck a national park over the parcel to make sure the United States doesn't seize it and bring it democracy.

Bill Clinton agreed Tuesday to speak at the World Healthcare Innovation and Technology Congress in November. Meanwhile, Hillary rushed back to work after having surgery to fix her broken elbow. There's always some member of that family with some body part in a sling.

Ford got a big government loan Monday to retool some of its factories. There is only one kind of engine Americans want to buy now. They want a car that will go back in time so they can sell their GM stock, marry someone else and vote for Ron Paul.

President Obama changed his tone Tuesday and condemned Iran's bloody crackdown on protesters. For ten days he said he didn't want to interfere in Iran's affairs. Now he's decided to say that Bush has the Middle East so screwed up, nobody can play it.

President Obama touted health care reform, saying the government can teach the private sector a few things about efficiency. The Post Office is broke, Amtrak is in shambles, NASA can't land on a cloudy day and the CIA can't find the world's tallest Arab. New Hampshire might as well change their license plate to read Exercise or Die.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-26-09

LAWTON--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Food and Drug Administration took over control of tobacco advertising Monday under new federal law. The evidence is clear. Smoking cigarettes makes you thin, charismatic, popular, happily married, a good dad, and president of the United States.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez tuned up for next week's return Tuesday with the minor league Albuquerque Isotopes. They play near a nuclear weapons lab. If you think Manny Ramirez played well on steroids wait until you see his numbers on uranium.

The USGA started widening seaside holes at Pebble Beach Golf Club in Monterey Tuesday for added TV drama during next year's U.S. Open. It's always exciting when the golfers go into the ocean. The sharks love hookers even more than the senators do.

Los Angeles judge Patricia Schnegg let R&B star Chris Brown off with probation and no jail time Monday for beating his girlfriend, pop star Rihanna. The judge had empathy. She didn't want to admit she doesn't know what it feels like to lose a Grammy.

Iran's crackdown yielded results Tuesday when the protesters stayed home, fearing a massive security presence. It seemed harsh to Americans to see Iranian soldiers fire guns into an unarmed crowd. It was like using a president to kill a fly.

President Obama told a Hispanic convention Monday that immigration reform with Mexico is high on his list. They are an important trading partner. In addition to oil, silver, tequila and strawberries, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.

North Korea issued a warning to ships in the Northwest Pacific Tuesday that they'll be conducting unspecified tests over the waters soon. Everyone's nervous. When you get off the plane in Hawaii now, a beautiful girl drapes a hazmat suit over your head.

The National Archives released new tapes of President Nixon. The tapes reveal a game plan for how to cover up obstruction of justice. There was a time in this country when the President's Daily Briefing had nothing to do with national security.

CBS News and ABC News both suffered record low TV ratings last week with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson ducking out of town to avoid blame. It's their White House coverage. If viewers wanted to watch a cheerleading competition they'd watch ESPN Two.

MLB Player's Union chief Don Fehr announced Monday he will retire after twenty-six years. He had a great impact on the game. When he took the job, the highest paid player in the locker rooms made two million a year, and that was the coke dealer.

Bill Clinton agreed Tuesday to speak at the World Healthcare Innovation and Technology Congress in November. His thinking has evolved over this past decade. He had always believed in universal health care until about ten years ago when he got Blue Cross and Blue Pill.

Congress will vote on a climate change bill today after a compromise was reached between the chairmen of the Agriculture and Energy Committees. The bill makes everyone who runs an engine or a farm pay a fee to offset the carbon they produce. Under the compromise, the fee would be paid to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.

The White House announced Tuesday it will review invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend July Fourth parties at U.S. embassies. The parties will include women with bare arms, alcohol, pork ribs and a celebration of liberty. The British diplomats are bringing the potato salad and the Iranian diplomats are bringing the tear gas.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Golf Digest announced Monday that its U.S. Open Challenge with Michael Jordan, Justin Timberlake and Ben Roethlisberger will air on July Fourth. Charles Barkley couldn't be there. His golf swing has been hired by Iranian protesters to overthrow the regime.

Alaska was struck by a strong six-point earthquake Monday, centered on the Gulf of Alaska near Anchorage. It was felt up and down the state for six hundred miles. Sarah Palin's supporters demanded an apology from God for making her daughters vibrate.

The New York Yankees benched Alex Rodriguez for poor play on Friday. He's been slumping at the plate since he returned to the lineup. Yankee fans are so upset they are wringing out their babies' diapers and offering to sell the team clean urine.

Jessica Alba's vandalism charge was dropped in Oklahoma City Thursday. She was caught papering billboards with Save the Shark posters. If Jessica Alba had ever dated an oil man she'd know they save the sharks, the bearskins and also the mooseheads.

The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds topped the box office with its story of a woman publisher who blackmails her assistant into marrying her after her green card expires. It proves what activists have been saying. When illegal immigrants are from Mexico it's a national security issue, when they're from Canada it's a romantic comedy.

Major League Baseball player's union chief Don Fehr resigned Monday. The sport enjoyed ten years of record-breaking performances while he protected players from drug testing. He is leaving to take a job as president of the New York Stock Exchange.

President Obama signed the bill regulating tobacco as a drug Monday. He himself promised his wife two years ago he would quit smoking if he ran for president. And now he has to take her to Paris for dinner twice a month to keep her from leaving him.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared Monday the burqa is not welcome in France. His message to the Muslim world is clear. He's married to a supermodel who's been photographed completely nude, and if you get to see his wife he gets to see yours.

The Montreal Canadiens were bought by the Molson Beer family Monday. This will put hockey back on TV. Einstein tinkered with nuclear fission because he was afraid of what might happen if he mixed the violence of hockey with the strength of Canadian beer.

Iran's ayatollah insisted that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected by sixty-six percent Monday when exit polls showed that to be a statistical impossibility. The numbers just don't add up. It's why President Obama favors a college football playoff.

Crown Prince of Iran Reza Pahlavi backed the protesters in Tehran Monday. His family was overthrown by a violent protest in the Seventies. Thirty years later it is impossible to describe the depth of the hostility some people felt toward disco.

Iran's police fired live bullets into the air on Monday to try to break up all the street protests. They were aiming very carefully as they fired into the air. They didn't want to hit any of the virgins waiting for them in case the protesters win.

Great Britain evacuated the Tehran Embassy of its staff and their families on Monday but the British diplomats themselves insist on staying at their posts. None of these people want to be sent home to London. There are fewer angry Muslims in Iran.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Open finally ended in a victory for Lucas Glover Monday after a weekend marred by torrential rainfall and delays. No one knew who was going to win. The golf course's length favored the long hitters but the high surf favored the Hawaiians.

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson blew chances to win the U.S. Open Monday. A total unknown knocked out the sport's two top stars. The PGA just decided to hire the best minds in the NBA and professional wrestling to make sure this never happens again.

England's Stonehenge drew thousands to mark the summer solstice Sunday. Cult followers won't discuss their belief in the rock structure's alien origins. Tom Cruise is pretending to be a Methodist until people start going to see his movies again.

The Supreme Court upheld the Voting Rights Act Monday but opened the door for challenges from Southern states. Voting restrictions were imposed in the South after Reconstruction to hinder blacks from voting because blacks always voted Republican. It just shows that the first instinct of a free man is to go with the party of lower taxes.

Italy's premier Silvio Berlusconi received a public apology Monday from a businessman who recruited starlets and hookers to attend parties at his villa. Imagine the prime minister's dismay. He actually believed these young women were attracted to him.

Iran's regime blamed rioting on interference from the U.S. and Britain Monday as anti-American protests broke out in Iraq. This is why we need more energy research. We have to find out just why God put all our oil under national parks and our enemies.

President Obama signed the tobacco bill into law in the Rose Garden Monday. He signed the bill while standing next to a kids' group for a tobacco-free America. The ceremony was held outside because the Oval Office smells like cigarettes.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced in CNN's newsroom Monday he won't run for governor. The mayor's wife left him when he began dating female news anchors last year. He made the announcement at CNN after all the women at Fox News turned him down.

News Corp. announced layoffs at MySpace last week after the once-trendy site was surpassed by Facebook. It's a fickle market. Twitter's been out for three months and already consumers want something that's more immediate and doesn't take so long to read.

Iran's challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi led protests all weekend. He claims the election was stolen. If he doesn't win in the recount he's threatening to become a global warming activist and take the Nobel Prize away from some deserving scientist.

President Obama watched his words about Iran Monday and ordered the U.S. Navy to avoid a showdown in the Gulf. He intends to play to his strengths. He doesn't want to say anything about the situation in Iran because he's really only comfortable talking about himself.

Hillary Clinton met with the British Monday to review options with Iran. Under influence of pain pills she's reverting to old habits. She told the Foreign Secretary that her elbow was broken on the runway in Tehran by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

Iranian demonstrators faced tear gas and water cannons and even gunfire Sunday as they demanded an honest election. Barack Obama is upset by the videos. They're pulling YouTube viewers away from the clip of him killing the fly with his bare hand.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Ayatollah Khamenei ordered Iranians to stop all protests Friday but on Saturday two million protesters surged into the streets anyway. It unnerved President Obama. Yesterday two million people Twittered that they thought his health care plan was too expensive.

Alex Rodriguez was benched by the New York Yankees due to his batting slump on Friday. It's awful. David Letterman got in trouble for joking that Alex knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter and it was the only time all week he made it past third base.

Nestle was forced to recall its Toll House Cookie Dough Thursday after E. coli bacteria was found inside the raw cookie dough. No one knows how many Americans eat raw cookie dough. You can't get honest numbers about how many Americans smoke pot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's jet made an emergency landing in L.A. Friday after smoke filled the cockpit. He was lucky to get out alive. Firefighters refused to come to the runway and save him until he agreed to pay them their overtime in cash, in advance.

The FBI was revealed Friday to have tried to sabotage the porno movie Deep Throat thirty-five years ago. They tried everything to halt the movie's release. The FBI was afraid that removing the stigma from oral sex could someday result in impeachment.

NBC News White House correspondent Chuck Todd declared Friday that President Obama's honeymoon with the press is over. They no longer cross themselves at the mention of his name. Chris Matthews still gets a thrill down his leg, but now it's related to prostate problems.

Tehran protesters continued to march in the streets on Saturday, demonstrating against Iran's ruling regime. They are demanding reforms. The women of Iran don't want to live in the Middle Ages, they want to lie about their age like Western women.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was backed by thousands of supporters on Friday who chanted for death to the U.S. and Britain. It upset President Obama. He has done everything he can to create a little distance between us, and it's not working.

President Obama drew fire Friday for not publicly supporting Iran's protesters in Tehran. He finally got off the fence when he saw the police turn firehoses on the demonstrators. He will never admit that Dick Cheney was right about waterboarding.

The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to the Pacific Ocean Saturday after the North Koreans were reported planning to fire off a long-range ICBM. They say they have a missile that could wipe out Los Angeles. It also has some negative aspects.

North Korea vowed to start a nuclear war in the Northwest Pacific on Friday if any of their ships are stopped and searched on the high seas. The threat of a nuclear attack is very real in the region. Japan's terrified we might miss and hit them again.

Tokyo reported Friday North Korea is planning to fire an ICBM toward Hawaii on July Fourth. It's about making amends. Japan figures if they can warn the U.S. of a sneak attack on Hawaii from someone else we'll be even and the books will be closed.

The Gallup Poll released Saturday found that more Americans trust a doctor's opinion on health care reform than they do a politican's. That's true. And it'll be that way until politicians will give you drugs or answer the phone when you get chest pains.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

William Shatner flipped off Conan O'Brien on the Tonight Show and used obscene sexual hand gestures. It fits a pattern. The networks have decided the only way to compete with the Internet is to turn shows over to creepy old guys and teenaged girls.

Italy's premier Silvio Berlusconi was videotaped in his bedroom by an escort model who has turned the tapes over to prosecutors. What a sleazebag. No one can believe he is cheating on the seventeen-year-old he was dating behind his wife's back.

Hillary Clinton slipped and broke an elbow in the State Department parking lot Thursday and had to be driven to George Washington Hospital for treatment. There was no delay at all. The economy is so bad now that all the cab drivers speak English.

The USS John McCain intercepted a North Korean vessel Friday after facing down a Chinese sub the week before. The John McCain almost started two wars in two weeks. It's a reminder to Americans that the Republican Party isn't dead, it's just cruising.

The Pentagon deployed missile interceptors to Honolulu on Friday after reports that the North Koreans are planning to fire a missile at Hawaii. The president's birthplace is safe. It'll take them ten years to build a missile that can reach Kenya.

Defense Secretary Bob Gates called on China's help when North Korea threatened Hawaii Friday. China is ambivalent. Hawaii is our fiftieth state and changing all those U.S. flags back to forty-nine stars will keep Chinese sweatshops humming for years.

The Ayatollah warned the Iranian protesters Friday that troops would crack down and crack down hard on further protests. It really backfired. Ten thousand people Twittered that he'd offered crack to the mob, and that just brought out the Laker fans.

Iranians defied the Ayatollah's threats Friday as protesters used technology to thwart the news blackout. It's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. First a Canadian goose brings down an airliner and now Twitter is bringing down the government of Iran.

President Obama stated Friday he is concerned by the Ayatollah Khamenei vowing to crush protesters. He should ignore calls to do what Ronald Reagan did. If he sells Iran missiles and uses the profits to end communism it will kill his health care plan.

House Democrats released a trillion dollar health care bill Friday without any mention of how they'll pay for it. They say they hope to get Americans sold on its benefits before they reveal its cost. It's a technique they learned from crack dealers.

Bermuda's premier was ripped by parliament Friday for letting Uighers settle there. It may work. The way to get the detainees to talk is to put them on a beach, hand them a piña colada, then have a swimsuit model ask them what they did in the war.

The U.S. government was asked on Thursday to pay the City of London five million dollars in unpaid parking tickets owed by the U.S. embassy staff. It's a nasty trait shared by Anglo-Saxons. The Bushes can't have Thanksgiving dinner in their family home in Kennebunkport without everybody watching their watches and feeding the meters.

NBC News replaced unattractive staffers with beautiful ringers to sit behind Brian Williams during the NBC News. It's a trend. It started at the Miss America pageant when Fox News got the pageant to add Teleprompter reading to the swimsuit contest and hired the winners, and today conservatives outnumber liberals two to one.




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-21-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

North Korea vowed to launch a missile toward Hawaii on July Fourth. The island paradise was claimed by England, annexed by the U.S., attacked by the Japanese and now threatened by North Korea. Living where there is no winter makes everyone jealous.

The Pentagon moved defense missiles to Hawaii when North Korea vowed to strike on July Fourth. It's great for tourism. Most cities can't afford a fireworks show this year and Honolulu gets one for free, however you'll have to watch it from Los Angeles.

Bethpage Black Golf Course was a horror show Thursday when rains hit the U.S. Open. The longest course ever was made longer by rain and the rough was too wet to cut. Dick Cheney insists that American lives were saved by forcing detainees to play the course.

The Weather Channel reported heavy thunderstorms on the Eastern Seaboard which delayed the U.S. Open Thursday. Tornadoes hit the Midwest while hurricanes formed in the Atlantic. And if you think that's bad, the five-day forecast for Iran is two days.

The Empress of Iran, Farah Pahlavi, encouraged Iran's street protesters to carry on Thursday. The Shah's widow splits her time between Paris and Beverly Hills with her fellow exiles. They mark their deliverance from the revolution every year with a ceremony in which they tell their kids about the Miracle of the CIA Helicopter.

Iranians used Twitter to report on protests Thursday. The world's so connected now. The Ayatollah stopped promising suicide bombers that virgins would greet them in heaven after David Letterman nearly got fired for mentioning teenage girls and sex.

Olive Garden restaurants pulled their ads from David Letterman's show Thursday after his sex joke about Sarah Palin's teen daughter. It may also limit his travel options. The French government says if the U.S. won't take Roman Polanski, France won't take David Letterman.

A Continental Airlines pilot died in the cockpit on a flight to Newark Thursday. The plane still landed safely. For the sake of air safety it'd be a lot better if all these pilots who want to top Sully Sullenberger would just go fly for the Blue Angels.

British Airways offered their pilots shares in the airline in exchange for pay cuts on Thursday. It's far and away the classiest passenger airline. Pheasants fly into British Airways planes trying to rescue their relatives from the dinner cart.

Billy Joel dodged reporters and ducked cameras Thursday when news of his third divorce was reported. He ran to his car. If a newly-divorced man is totally alone in a forest and he makes a statement without his wife being there, is he still wrong?

The U.S. Senate passed a resolution Thursday which apologized for America's past history of slavery. It's such hypocrisy. Slavery would have been peacefully and quietly replaced by illegal immigration if South Carolina hadn't been so trigger happy.

Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow Thursday as she was leaving her home in Washington D.C. for the White House. She'll be okay. With the help of a strength coach and personal trainer she'll learn how to throw a lamp at her husband left-handed.

President Obama was ripped by animal rights activists for killing a fly during a TV interview. It was grim. He slapped it barehanded and it fell dead to the Oval Office carpet, where it lies next to the president of GM and three Inspector Generals.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Lakers enjoyed a victory parade on Wednesday. The playoff games put the NBA under scrutiny. Ninety percent of Americans believe that everything's fixed and that's just the faces, noses and breasts of the first two rows of Laker fans.

The Dallas Cowboys showed interest in signing Plaxico Burress despite his legal woes. It would carry on a long academic tradition in Dallas. He would occupy the Lance Rentzel, Michael Irvin, Terrell Owens out-of-their-minds chair at wide receiver.

Mexico's navy found over a ton of cocaine inside twenty frozen shark carcasses in shipping containers Tuesday. Lesson learned. The next time the sharks come upon a school of record label executives, they'd be well advised to eat at a different beach.

Tiger Woods is favored to defend his U.S. Open title at Bethpage Golf Course this weekend. He walked through his final practice round Wednesday flanked by six New York state troopers. It's just amazing how many people mistake him for President Obama.

ABC will give President Obama an hour of free primetime Wednesday to promote his health care plan. The network refused to air commercials during the broadcast that express any opposing points of view on health care. It's only a matter of time before Barack Obama sheds the title of president to become the Kaiser Permanente.

President Obama killed a fly during a CNBC interview with John Harwood Tuesday. He killed it with his bare hand. He was careful not to use the sole of his shoe on the fly because that's considered the ultimate sign of disrespect in the insect world.

Voice of America began broadcasting news to Iran in Farsi delivered by Iranian-American news anchors Tuesday. There was controversy. Everything was going well until the news anchor told a joke about Alex Rodriguez marrying both of Sarah Palin's daughters.

Iran neared implosion Wednesday as government protesters challenged government backers on the streets of Tehran. The solution is simpler than it looks. Warring factions can coexist peacefully as long as they each have ther own cable news channel.

President Obama resisted the pressure to encourage the Iranian street protests for democracy in Tehran. He said he doesn't want to meddle in Iran's affairs. He doesn't see how it's going to help if he tells them what kind of car they should drive.

U.S. Senator John Ensign admitted an extramarital affair Tuesday with a campaign staffer. He resigned his post as chairman of the Republican Party policy committee. It is not the policy of the Republican Party to cheat on your wife with a campaign staffer, it is the policy of the Republican Party to cheat on your wife with a hooker.

The White House proposed federal loan guarantees for American nuclear power plant construction Tuesday. This will never get through Congress. The Democrats don't like nuclear power and the Republicans don't like it used for peaceful purposes.

Chrysler re-opened seven auto plants following its purchase by Italian automaker Fiat. Everyone we ever defeated in a war is now beating us in the car business. Vietnam would be an economic powerhouse today if they'd had the sense to throw the game.

The New York Times said Wednesday an NSA analyst was investigated for reading Bill Clinton's e-mail. Instead of searching for Osama bin Laden, the spy was searching the e-mails for details about Bill Clinton's personal life. You don't need a spy agency to figure out why newspaper circulation crashed after Bill Clinton left office.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Sammy Sosa was reported Tuesday to be on the list of Major League players who tested positive for steroids. He was a cheater all along. It turns out President Bush was right about two things, democracy spreading to Iran and trading Sammy Sosa to Chicago.

The Gallup Poll released a survey of America's political views Tuesday. Things have changed. Twenty percent of Americans identify as liberals, forty percent identify as conservatives and everybody else wants Queen Elizabeth to forgive us and take us back.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at the White House for meetings Monday. He's embroiled in a sex scandal involving himself and an eighteen-year-old actress. The reason he's in less trouble than David Letterman is that he's not kidding.

David Letterman was picketed in New York Tuesday for joking that Sarah Palin's daughter got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. Protesters clogged the street outside his TV studio. He's in so much trouble that A.C. Cowlings drove him home to Connecticut.

David Letterman apologized profusely to Governor Sarah Palin on the air Monday after sponsors complained to the network about him and threatened to bolt. Suddenly he has more in common with Sarah Palin than he thought. He's in the middle of contract renewal negotiations with CBS and when he looks outside his window he can see Siberia.

Iran banned all foreign reporters from the street riots in Tehran Tuesday but eyewitness reports did get Twittered. No one knows whether to take them seriously. Each Twitter consists of a hundred and forty characters, but then so did Animal House.

President Obama refused to criticize Iran's bloody crackdown Tuesday, saying he won't interfere. He referred to the Ayatollah as Supreme Leader. When Barack Obama returned the bust of Winston Churchill he replaced it with one of Neville Chamberlain.

Tehran was the site of huge street protests Sunday following the election and demonstrators were beaten bloody by the police. Thank goodness the Los Angeles police have an alibi. Everybody knows they were beating people at the Staples Center.

Prince William was reportedly house shopping in Malibu Monday. How shrewd. The best way to get even with Mel Gibson for all his movies ripping England is to wait until he's desperate for divorce money, then buy his house for ten cents on the dollar.

Michelle Obama and grade-school kids harvested lettuce on the White House lawn on TV Tuesday. Lucky she was in Washington. In California if you're foolish enough to film children picking lettuce you have to pay them the Screen Actors Guild minimum.

U.S. Senator John Ensign admitted an extramarital affair with a campaign staffer Tuesday. Republicans have all the sex scandals now. A gorgeous cigarette girl could wink at President Obama in a hotel lobby and he'd never take his eyes off her Winstons.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture began slaughtering Canadian geese that nest near New York's airports Tuesday. There was not a peep of protest from local animal lovers. Just because Detroit is returning to the wild doesn't mean all U.S. cities have to do it.

The Congressional Budget Office said the president's health care plan will cost one trillion three hundred billion dollars. The number stunned everyone. Michael Jordan saw it in the newspaper and wondered how his divorce settlement became public.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Iranian police opened fire Monday on rioters who said that Iran's presidential election last week was rigged. Iran's government cut off all cell-phone service, text messages and Twitter, and for two days there were no train wrecks or bus crashes.

The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA title Sunday but owner Jerry Buss wasn't in attendance in Orlando. He's famous for dating women who are barely of legal age. If Jerry Buss ever runs for public office, David Letterman will have jokes for a year.

The L.A. Lakers won the NBA title Sunday during the city's Gay Pride parade. The riot was crazy. When the fumes from the Molotov cocktails mixed with the cologne worn by parade marchers, the explosion scared North Korea back to the bargaining table.

Mel Gibson cut the price of the Connecticut estate he must sell in his divorce settlement Monday. He had it decorated like a monastery. He'd probably have better luck selling it if he didn't insist on whipping all the Realtors who came to show it.

The Agriculture Department warned Monday that a deadly wheat spore that originated in Kenya is spreading to South Asia. It could wipe out eighty percent of the world's wheat crop. As if President Obama didn't have enough to do, Kenya has the Crouton Bomb.

The White House arranged for former AT&T chairman Ed Whitacre become the head of General Motors. The only thing he ever ran was a phone company. He's only been running General Motors a week and already cars are free on evenings and weekends.

The Lundberg Survey saw gas prices rise despite lower demand Monday. Investors who are worried about inflation are putting all their money into commodities. They know that President Obama can't print more oil, not without losing the votes of the Sierra Club.

President Obama spoke to the American Medical Association convention in Chicago Monday. He insisted to the doctors that his health care plan would provide coverage for everyone without increasing the deficit or reducing the quality of care. After the speech a raucous debate broke out over whether to prescribe thorazine or lithium.

President Obama caused worry among doctors with his speech to the AMA convention Monday, calling America's current health system a ticking time bomb. So that's it. He's going to waterboard the doctors until they agree to work for a dollar a year.

President Obama was booed by the American Medical Association convention crowd Monday when he refused to cap medical malpractice damages. He's so generous to his rivals. He made Joe Biden vice president, he made Hillary his Secretary of State, and he guaranteed that John Edwards will be able to leave his legal practice to his kids.

Supreme Court nominee Sonya Sotomayor slipped at La Guardia Airport and broke her ankle last week while en route to D.C. She's had to hobble into Senate offices all week. Her only comfort is knowing that her lawsuit will eventually come before her.

Bermuda welcomed wrongly-accused Chinese Muslims released from Guantanamo last week. They were photographed enjoying the beach and posing for pictures. Then they saw the old colonial wooden stocks in the town square and confessed to three fictional terrorist plots, which sent the CIA out on another wild goose chase through Afghanistan.

CIA Director Leon Panetta said Monday he thinks that Dick Cheney smells blood on the issue of national defense and secretly hopes for another terrorist attack. How rude. Once the CIA stopped trying to kill Castro all that energy had to go somewhere.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

George W. Bush greeted reporters outside his family's Kennebunkport home Friday to celebrate his father's safe parachute landing. He looked extremely relieved. Five months ago he was the worst president in history and he's already lost the title.

David Letterman's show was burglarized Thursday by a thief who slipped inside his office at CBS and stole things. The break-in occurred late at night. It only confirms the greatest fear among Democrats that Sarah Palin is the next Richard Nixon.

Sarah Palin rejected David Letterman's apology for his joke about her daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. What about the insult to the ballplayer? A-Rod's sex life is a private matter between him and the readers of the New York Post.

The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Detroit Red Wings to win the Stanley Cup. The two cities hate each other. All week long the steelworkers were acting like dukes and earls, lording it over the autoworkers because they haven't been nationalized yet.

Six Flags amusement parks filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in Delaware last weekend to get out from under two billion dollars of debt. They can't let this happen. You'd think anything with roller coasters that tall would be too big to fail.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island took a leave of absence from Capitol Hill Friday. It was for health reasons. He checked into rehab to detoxify himself from alcohol and drugs, or as it's called in Hollywood, a little routine maintenance.

California lawmakers debated on Friday whether to legalize pot to raise needed tax revenues. Don't forget crack. Now that the FDA is regulating tobacco as a drug, anything that can be smoked for enjoyment is a legitimate source of government income.

The FDA approved a new drug to cure gout Friday as Americans get heavier and drink more. Statistics show half the country is obese and three-fourths drink. We're the first country to survive a depression by living off the food stores in our thighs.

President Obama detailed his trillion dollar health care reform plans in his radio address Saturday. After working over the banks and the car companies, he's taking on health care. His goal is to make sure no one in America makes more than the president.

President Obama spoke at the AMA Convention in Chicago Monday. He wants to force the medical profession to accept any patient no matter how low the reimbursement. You'll notice the difference within a year when every name on the PGA leaderboard is Dr. This or Dr. That.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad crushed Iran's reformer candidate Friday in a landslide. Polls beforehand showed the challenger winning. An optimist in Iran is anyone who stays up late on election night to see if the opposition won.

Iran had street riots Saturday when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared winner and still president. This means they'll become a nuclear power. Now the challenge for President Obama is to think of some way to get Iran to declare war on North Korea.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il named his third son to succeed him Wednesday, raising hopes the country may not self-destruct. The son is known to be competitive, a heavy drinker, and somewhat proficient in English. He's already been given an offical title--Kim W. Il.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboy legend Troy Aikman received a degree in sociology at UCLA Friday in Westwood. He owns a huge car dealership in Texas and he's a Republican. The government offered him retraining money if he'd enter one of the busybody professions.

George H.W. Bush parachuted from a plane on his eighty-fifth birthday Friday. He floated to earth with a guy attached to his back. After what happened to David Carradine, the Secret Service insisted that all risky behavior with ropes be monitored.

David Carradine's death was ruled accidental Friday after he hanged himself in a Bangkok hotel room while engaged in a choking sex act. His body's been flown to New York. He is going to go on the David Letterman show to perform stupid rope tricks.

David Letterman apologized for joking that Sarah Palin's daughter had gotten knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. He said he was going after the eighteen-year-old daughter, not the fourteen-year-old daughter. It's an important distinction to his Northern viewers.

Cher's daughter Chastity started hormone therapy Friday before she has her sex change operation. She faces a real test of her sexual identity. Now that she has a prescription for testosterone she's receiving candy and flowers from Alex Rodriguez.

President Obama said Friday he'll sign a bill giving the FDA power to regulate tobacco as a drug. It's pointless to try to regulate tobacco. Cigarettes can only be smoked safely on the Truman Balcony when your wife and kids are too busy to notice.

The White House admitted Friday President Obama was still struggling daily with his nicotine addiction. He may have more in common with the British than he thinks. One day they may go down in history as the two people who burned down the White House.

New York announced plans Friday to capture and gas two thousand Canadian geese near airports. It'll occur during molting season when they can't fly. The residue from the gas may explain why you get such a good night's sleep on a goose down pillow.

The United Nations Security Council voted unanimously Friday to sanction North Korea over nuclear testing. Years of endless negotiations with Kim Jong Il have taught us one thing. Never trust a leader who put ending the world on his bucket list.

General Motors announced Friday they're deeply cutting sponsorships for NASCAR racing. The administration obviously thinks it's politically incorrect to glorify cars with big powerful engines. It could only be worse if the drivers were wearing fur.

Iran enjoyed a massive voter turnout nationwide for its presidential elections Friday. Ten thousand overseas votes were cast at polling booths in Beverly Hills. The eleven-hour time difference always gives the Shah an early ten thousand vote lead.

The Oklahoma Sooners were voted the top college football program in history by an ESPN rating panel. Football is a religion in the Southwest. Oklahoma is the only place where folks have tailgate parties in the parking lot before church every Sunday.

Guantanamo detainees were relocated to a South Pacific island on Friday after no nation would take them. They are Chinese Muslim separatists who were falsely accused of terrorism, and China didn't want them freed in the United States. It goes against American values to anger China this close to a Treasury bill auction.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-14-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bermuda offered to take in Guantanamo detainees Thursday, a day after the South Pacific isle of Palau volunteered to take them. It fulfills a prophecy. Osama bin Laden promised them if they joined al-Qaeda they would someday be greeted in paradise.

David Letterman apologized for a joke he told about Sarah Palin's fourteen-year-old daughter getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez while she was in New York. He knows better. Dave's been a comedian for years and he knows he should have said Woody Allen.

The University of Alabama was sanctioned by the NCAA for recruiting violations Friday, which may reduce their athletic scholarships. The NCAA is going to be sorry they picked this fight. Only the National Guard decides who goes to school in Alabama.

Sonny and Cher's daughter Chastity reportedly underwent a sex change operation Thursday and became a man. It's a shock. The forty-year-old gay activist had been active in the lesbian community but no one had any idea she was dating Lorena Bobbitt.

David Carradine's naked picture was splashed in tabloids in Thailand, showing him wearing a woman's wig and fishnet stockings after he hanged himself during an autoerotic sex act. Be careful what you wish for. At his last birthday party David Carradine blew out the candles and wished that someday he'd be famous for something beside Kung Fu.

The White House ordered banks to freeze thirty million dollars that is owed to online poker winners Thursday. Poker is a game where good lying skills are richly rewarded. You'd think politicians would leave them alone out of professional courtesy.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to give the FDA the power to regulate tobacco as a drug. They want to ratchet up the dangers of smoking. Joe Biden will assume the duties of president while Barack Obama is incapacitated by his addiction to nicotine.

Venezuela ordered Coca-Cola to pull its zero-calorie Coke Zero from their grocery store shelves Friday. It's a break for the soft drink maker. The world has always loved their product and they'll pay a lot more for it now that it's an illegal product.

The U.S. Chamber of Commerce launched an ad campaign Thursday to educate the public about capitalism. They can't explain it slowly enough. Most Americans think the more kids that you have, the greater the chance a reality show will pay all your bills.

U.S. television stations began broadcasting on the digital spectrum Friday, which left two million Americans who didn't get the digital box in time without television reception. The government stepped right in. Barack Obama impersonators were sent door-to-door to drone on about health care to people whose televisions weren't working.

President Obama flew to Green Bay Thursday where he hosted a town hall meeting about national health care. The crowd was eager and friendly and glad to see him. How often do you get to personally hand your resume to the president of General Motors?

President Obama promoted national health care at a Wisconsin town hall meeting Thursday. Protesters lined his motorcade route. They heard a report that the national health care plan involves mandates, and they believe mandates will lead to gay marriage.

Republicans on Capitol Hill warned Thursday that President Obama's government health care ambitions will run the country into the ground financially. If we run the country any further into the ground a lot of bond salesmen are going to lose their jobs. We'll be close enough to China where we can just push them up through the dirt.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Will Ferrell had the first box-office bomb of his career on Friday when Land of the Lost came out. The title killed it. People today aren't about to pay ten bucks to watch something they can see for free when they open up their financial statements.

Chrysler dealerships closed after Tuesday's bankruptcy, leaving Chrysler owners wondering about warranty service. They had complete confidence in the company when they purchased the cars. They didn't recognize Robert E. Lee's picture on the warranty.

The White House sent FBI agents to Afghanistan to read Taliban prisoners their Miranda rights. it's a great plan. We bring them to Los Angeles and try them in the legal system that freed O.J. Simpson, then wait for them to steal their memorabilia back.

Newsweek's editor Evan Thomas was ripped on talk radio Monday after he said on a Sunday news show that President Obama is like God. Republicans are furious. The Book of Genesis states unequivocally that God appeared to Moses in the form of a Bush.

President Obama lectured Wisconsin on health care on Thursday. He's telling the banks what kind of loans to make, he's telling automakers what kind of cars to build, and now he's telling doctors what kind of treatments work best. Congress could be forced to join the Screen Extras Guild if they don't start getting more speaking parts.

US Airways Captain Sully Sullenberger testified to the NTSB Monday about his safe landing on the Hudson River. He showed such integrity. He could have bailed out but he didn't want to spend the rest of his life under the Treasury Department salary cap.

The White House proposed rules to limit salaries and bonuses for executives in bailed out companies Wednesday. It seems un-American. It's no thrill for immigrants sailing into New York Harbor to get their first glimpse of the Statue of Limitations.

Joe Biden made another gaffe Tuesday, stating that a new tunnel being dug under the Hudson River will accommodate cars when it's just for train traffic. He's Irish on both sides of his family. His father's a Biden and his mother was a Gaffaday.

The Gallup Poll said Tuesday more Americans feel that Rush Limbaugh speaks for the Republicans. He's a conservative white male. It's such a vanishing American that in a year every man with an Engish family name will qualify for a casino license.

The Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. was attacked by a crazy gunman Wednesday who opened fire at the entrance of the museum. All the visitors in line hit the floor in terror, believing they were about to be killed. It was an interactive exhibit.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused his opponent in today's election of using Hitler-like propaganda against him. The Holocaust denier is accusing his opponent of Hitler-like tactics. Today's election could come down to who has the best mustache.

Tiger Woods played a practice round at Beth Page Golf Club in New York Tuesday but he had to quit early. It's due to New York's new millionaire tax. Every minute he works in New York state costs him more money than he'd make if he wins the tournament.

Fenway Park in Boston was infiltrated by a Yankees fan at a rock concert in May who planted Yankee Stadium infield grass seeds in the Red Sox infield during the concert and then watered it. You can't fault his logic. He thinks there'll be something magical about New York grass this summer on the fortieth anniversary of Woodstock.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House persuaded the Supreme Court to terminate Chrysler Tuesday. The politicians convinced the lawyers to screw the car dealers. Somebody stood up in court and swore to tell the truth, and the laughter delayed the hearing for two hours.

John Daly returns to the PGA Tour in Memphis Thursday when his tour suspension for drunken behavior expires. He doesn't need the money. During his six months of suspension he got a job working in an auto repair shop breathing off the old paint.

Captain Sully Sullenberger told Congress Tuesday how he landed his stricken U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River. He wants a better warning system for when there are birds in a plane's flight path. In their defense, the geese testified that they honked.

Southern California Realtors said Monday that home buyers are returning to the market. Last week a guy in Santa Monica was able to sell his ocean view apartment for two million dollars. He's happy to have found a buyer but his landlord is furious.

The White House threatened to put North Korea back on the list of terrorist nations Tuesday. The list always has three names on it. Under Republicans the Axis of Evil was North Korea, Iran and Iraq, and under Democrats it's North Korea, I Own and I Earn.

The Politico newspaper said Tuesday President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ much more than President Bush did. He mentions Jesus almost daily. Until the economy gets better, that's about all President Obama can say every morning when he reads the news.

The White House was locked down Tuesday when a woman jumped the fence onto the White House lawn. No one could leave the building until the woman was arrested and carted away. They don't want a sex scandal to derail national health care a second time.

Washington D.C. was hit by a severe thunderstorm Monday that snapped off a tree, which crashed on the South Lawn. Branches and twigs were strewn everywhere. This was bound to happen after the president insisted on lightweight, fuel-efficient trees.

Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis testifies to Congress today how the Treasury Department forced him to take over Merrill Lynch last fall. What does a Treasury Secretary do after he meets with a bank executive? He wipes the pepper spray out of his eyes.

Congress passed the Cash for Clunkers bill Tuesday, offering drivers forty-five hundred dollars for old large-engine cars to get people to go green. Conservatives are absolutely mortified. We were so worried the government was going to come and take away our guns we never even noticed they were going to come and tow away our cars.

North Korea readied an ICBM missile for launch Monday that could reach Seattle with a four kiloton atom bomb. It's only one-fourth the size of the Hiroshima bomb. Seattle demanded the minimum environmental impact or they'll take North Korea to court.

Newt Gingrich called the administration a failure Monday at a Republican Party fundraising dinner in Washington D.C. They vowed to return America to its founding principles. Sarah Palin was only allowed onstage because she was barefoot and pregnant.

U.S. Senator Tom Coburn may not give his annual lecture to incoming Capitol Hill interns on the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases because of a dispute over who pays for the pizza. The food is necessary. It takes hours to show the kids five hundred and thirty-five pictures and ask if this was the person who touched them inappropriately.




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods sank a one-handed chip shot, then birdied the last two holes to win the Memorial Sunday. He also hit each fairway. If President Obama wants to fix the economy he should call up Tiger Woods' knee surgeon and appoint him Treasury Secretary.

President Obama flew his wife Michelle to Paris for a dinner date on his final night in France. It's a perk of public life. The president's date cost taxpayers one hundred thousand dollars, which Eliot Spitzer said is about right for four hours.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle at the airport Monday but she went to the White House before getting it treated. It wasn't necessary. You don't need the president's okay for a doctor's appointment until the health care bill actually passes.

Scotland's Susan Boyle signed with Simon Cowell's record label Friday and with U-2's manager. Never get famous. A month ago she was a happy member of the church choir and today she kicks her cat whenever Alex Rodriguez doesn't call the next morning.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi denied wrongdoing after photos surfaced of five young women at his seaside villa Friday. They were sunbathing nude. It drew outraged criticism in Italy from the leaders of the opposition--his wife and the pope.

David Carradine hanged himself in an auto-erotic sex act and died accidentally Thursday. He died in a state of ecstasy. If you can achieve sexual bliss with a closet hook and a rope, how much money are men wasting every year on diamonds and chocolates?

The NTSB revealed Monday that recently crashed airliners were flown by pilots who'd flunked flying and emergency response tests. It's disturbing. It turns out when Sully Sullenberger landed safely on the Hudson River he was aiming for the Mississippi.

President Obama used a food taster in Paris on Saturday to avoid poisoning. He actually brought a food taster to Paris with him. He told the Chrysler bondholder he would take him to dinner, but he didn't tell him it would just be more of the same.

Fiat vowed not to walk away from the Chrysler takeover after the Supreme Court delayed it Monday. It doesn't feel right. It's one thing to apologize to the Muslim world, but to surrender to Italy this close to D-Day goes against the American grain.

The Supreme Court rejected a challenge to the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy Monday, so gay GIs must remain closeted. Nothing changes. On Sunday thousands of U.S. servicemen had to TiVo the Tony Awards and pretend to care about the Laker game.

Hillary Clinton wrote North Korea Monday urging them to release the two female U.S. journalists just convicted of spying. They work for Current TV. The reporters were sentenced to hard labor, which in the TV industry is limited to looking for work.

Saudi King Abdullah urged President Obama to order Israel to withdraw from the West Bank. What an outrage. Last week the Saudi king draped a thick gold chain around Obama's neck and now he's threatening to sell him down river if he doesn't do as he's told.

Sarah Palin was cleared Monday of all fourteen campaign ethics charges against her in the presidential campaign, a month after Senator Ted Stevens' conviction was thrown out. What a disappointment. When Alaska won the contract to be the farm team for Illinois politics, people hoped there would be some real stars coming out of there.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama spoke in Normandy Saturday to mark the Allied landing on Omaha Beach on D-Day. The American assault force included no black people, no Asians and no Hispanics. Why the Germans were even shooting at us is a mystery to the president.

France welcomed the leaders of Britain, Canada and the U.S. for the sixty-fifth anniversary of D-Day. It's important. Every five years we have to remind France that we saved them, otherwise they won't let us go through their air space to bomb people.

Normandy was invaded by world leaders Saturday for the D-Day anniversary. What a story. The night before the invasion Ike told the GIs they were embarking on a Great Crusade, prompting Barack Obama to apologize to the Arab world for the D-Day invasion.

South Dakota rancher Neal Wanless won the Powerball Lottery Friday, winning two hundred thirty-two million dollars. He said he'll spend the money responsibly. If he sounded any less like an American he would never make it through airport security.

David Carradine was found hanged in a Bangkok hotel room Thursday by the hotel chambermaid. He strangled himself in a kinky sex act. It took the chambermaid an hour to convince the police she's a real chambermaid and not just dressed up like one.

Southern California coffee bars were reported Saturday hiring busty waitresses and having them wear bikinis as they serve customers. They are exploiting women's bodies in an effort to ride out the depression. The name of the coffee bar is Hoovers.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was furious Friday when photos surfaced of five young women sunbathing naked at his villa in Sardinia. He insists their relationship is not improper. He is seventy-two, and their combined age is seventy-two.

Senator Jeff Sessions said Saturday that Sonia Sotomayor won't be objective on the bench. He said America's tradition of an independent judiciary is under attack. It was the last Republican radio address before the Speech Czar takes office next week.

President Obama left his family in Paris Sunday and returned to Washington. He said he wanted put his personal touch on the health care legislation. That means getting every person to merge with Fiat, run on batteries, and bleed cash.

Roger Penske bought Saturn from GM on Friday, acquiring three hundred and fifty dealerships, but he will outsource the car manufacturing. That's a relief. The cars will be made overseas but the dealers will be American, so you can still be cheated.

The FBI arrested a couple who work for the State Department on Saturday for spying for Cuba for thirty years. They tipped off Castro every time the CIA had a new a plot to kill him. It turns out that espionage is the real secret to Cuba's health care success rate.

Israel rejected President Obama's call Friday to halt all West Bank settlement activity. Defiant Israeli settlers began building shacks they call Obama Huts. They think if they name them after Obama no one will have the nerve to foreclose on them.

The State Department said Friday it may send Al Gore to North Korea to discuss the release of two captured U.S. reporters who work for Al Gore's Current network. It's a real standoff. The women say they are journalists, North Korea says they are spies, and Al Gore says they are two more overseas votes that should have gone to him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama won praise from Arab newspapers Thursday for his speech to the Muslim world from Cairo. However, his promises were received with great skepticism from the Arab people. He should have known this might happen when he became a car salesman.

King Abdullah draped a giant gold chain around President Obama's neck Thursday attached to a diamond-studded platinum medal. It's the Saudi Order of Merit. Under U.S. gift rules the president can't keep it or wear it until he forms his own rap label.

President Obama met with Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel Friday and tried to persuade her to send German troops to Afghanistan. Is he out of his mind? Only the Germans could fight al-Qaeda and end up being the defendants in a war crimes trial.

President Obama infuriated Israelis Thursday by demanding Israel withdraw from the West Bank. It's not in his hands. Israel will always have the full and unwavering support of the American people as long as gasoline stays under four dollars a gallon.

President Obama refused Nicolas Sarkozy's dinner invitation in Paris Friday. In one week he leaked that Judge Sotomayor may be pro-life and he insulted the French. He bet Rahm Emanuel a steak dinner he could get Rush Limbaugh on his side by Tuesday.

President Obama apologized for Western colonialism in his speech to the Muslim world. He'll come around. If Obama wants to provide free health care for everyone in America he's going to have to conquer an African nation and steal all its diamonds.

The White House named a Pay Czar to supervise executive pay in bailed-out Wall Street firms. Obama has now named sixteen czars. He said he wanted to hear all views but it can be dangerous to place all those czars and Bolsheviks in one building.

Al Gore considered going to North Korea Friday to negotiate the release of two female American journalists who entered that country illegally. Of course they're spies. No one would sneak across the border into North Korea for a better way of life.

North Korea was shown in satellite photos Friday preparing to launch a missile that could reach Hawaii. This is our chance. If history teaches us anything, it is that nothing will get America out of a depression like a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.

The FAA said Friday only a third of U.S. airports are enforcing new FAA rules to prevent all those birds from approaching airliners. It's a union problem. A lot of pilots simply refuse to wear a Sylvester the Cat costume during takeoffs and landings.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was in another sex scandal Friday when photos surfaced of topless young women who were sunbathing at his vacation villa. Two things happened when the astronauts fixed the Hubble telescope last month. NASA got everything they wanted in the budget, and politicians had to take their act indoors.

David Carradine accidentally hanged himself to death in his Bangkok hotel room closet on Thursday while practicing a sordid choking game. He was in town filming a movie called Stretch. It was just another case of method acting gone terribly wrong.

Queen Elizabeth bestowed a knighthood upon L.A. police chief Bill Bratton Friday for aiding Britain in counter-terrorism. He's thrilled. Los Angeles has the only big city police force in America that isn't Irish, so he was free to accept an award from England without having to worry about a friendly fire incident after he got home.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-7-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave a speech to the Muslim world from Cairo Thursday. Tension is high in the region. Muslims believe God's watching over them, Israelis believe God's watching over them, and Barack Obama just loves it when the kids fight over him.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor completed her background questionnaire for the Senate Thursday. Her nomination is crucial. President Obama is hopeful she will render the deciding vote when the case of Planet versus Whitey reaches the high court.

President Obama told Muslims any world order that elevates one nation or group above others must fail. This was clearly aimed at the U.S. and Britain. The rest of the world is tired of being background scenery for Shell's Wonderful World of Golf.

President Obama called for a brand-new start between the United States and the Muslim world. They should be wary. If Barack Obama succeeds in turning GM into an electric car company it could do more damage to the Arab world than the Third Crusade.

The Los Angeles Times reported Thursday a local woman was killed by a lightning bolt that tore off all her clothes. It was a lesson learned. If you drive a Smart Car to the beach, make sure your swimsuit is completely dry before you get in and start it.

Al-Qaeda was reported Wednesday to be planning an attack on the U.S. by bringing dangerous biological agents into the country from Tijuana. College boys have done this for years. What Kaopectate didn't neutralize, penicillin cleared up within a week.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught billing his own government ten thousand dollars to clean his apartment. It's a big misunderstanding. Just because you give someone in a French maid's outfit ten grand doesn't mean that the apartment got cleaned.

Bank of America said Thursday it may end its sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic team and the Games. What a waste of ad money. They spent twenty million dollars to sponsor the Olympics, and the only product that got any publicity was a marijuana bong.

The Globe tabloid reported Tuesday that the mysterious death of Las Vegas comedian Danny Gans may have been due to years of secret steroid use. You can't blame a guy for trying. If steroids can turn fly balls into home runs, it's only logical they will turn chuckles into belly laughs.

President Obama flew into Paris on Friday. His Westin hotel is embroiled in a strike by janitors and maids. Hotel management personnel are cleaning the hotel rooms temporarily until President Obama flies in GM executives to take over for them.

Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah introduced the U.S. government delegation to his royal family in Riyadh Thursday. They must be big baseball fans in the desert kingdom. A reporter overheard one of the wives asking the king if she was in tonight's line-up.

Newt Gingrich on Thursday retracted his statement calling Sonia Sotomayor a racist for saying that Latina women make better judges than white guys. The term racist has a pretty specific meaning and he knows it. Newt Gingrich represented rural Georgia in the Seventies and the jokes he had to pretend to enjoy to get elected would curl your hair.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor made the rounds in the Senate Thursday. She'd be the sixth Catholic on the Supreme Court. The Founding Fathers never thought that the Protestant liberties they established would result in a Catholic Supreme Court, a Muslim White House and a pagan Congress, all committed to maintaining Israel's right to exist.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama played up his Muslim roots during his visit to the Middle East Thursday. It was over the top. Last night he went on television and promised that anyone who buys a General Motors car will be greeted by seventy-two virgins in heaven.

Ronald Reagan's statue went up in the Capitol Wednesday in front of a painting of Columbus landing in America. There's a big difference between Columbus in America and Reagan at Warner Brothers. Columbus had to kill all his Indians in the first take.

Prince Charles agreed to go to Normandy for the D-Day ceremony after the Queen was left off France's guest list. She served in uniform as a military truck driver during World War II. She had the only military truck with two footmen and four horses.

Prince Harry angered sports fans in England while in New York Sunday by saying American football is his favorite game and he plans to come back this fall for a Giants game. This finally settles the question of his paternity. His father is Frank Gifford.

New York Mets star Carlos Beltran and Mets officials showed swine flu symptoms Wednesday. They fly together on the team plane. Suddenly LeBron James's refusal to shake hands with opposing players after Saturday's loss looks like a lifesaving decision.

The Washington Times reported Wednesday that al-Qaeda is planning a bio-terror attack on the U.S. through the Mexican border. It'll backfire. Anyone in California who gets an envelope with white powder will just sell it to help fend off foreclosure.

Osama bin Laden issued an audio tape on Al-Jazeera Thursday threatening to attack the U.S. again in reprisal for U.S. attacks on the Taliban. He criticized Barack Obama by name. Every news anchor in America is watching closely to see if he gets fired for it.

President Obama arrived in Saudi Arabia Wednesday, then spoke in Egypt the next day. He tried to win over the two countries that produced the 9-11 attackers. This is the equivalent of Bill Clinton hitting on two women who have already sued him.

President Obama told a French reporter the U.S. is one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. There are only two million Muslims in America, but they are valued U.S. citizens. If you see them run out of the building, you should run out of the building.

Bill Clinton was interviewed for the Sunday New York Times during a shopping spree in Peru on a recent trip. He was buying gifts for the wives and girlfriends of his close pals. He tried to get something for his wife but no one would start the bidding.

Susan Boyle was reportedly recovering Thursday after she checked into a London mental hospital with severe anxiety after her talent show loss. There is no firm rule as to who's sane and who isn't. The definition is made by the people with the key.

CBS ordered more song and dance numbers in the Tony Awards on Sunday. Musicals all have the same plot nowadays. It's boy meets girl, boy meets boy, boy leaves girl for boy, boy marries boy, boy's marriage to boy nullified by the voters of California.

The White House authorized U.S. embassies all over the world Wednesday to invite Iranian diplomats to their July Fourth parties. The Iranians have Fourth of July barbecues every summer. Nothing makes a better charcoal starter than an American flag.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

North Korea's Kim Jong Il revealed Tuesday his hard-partying youngest son Kim Jong Un will succeed him on death. It could be the end of North Korea. Handing off national leadership to the son who drinks the most nearly destroyed the United States.

General Motors sold its Hummer division to a plastics manufacturer in China on Tuesday. It makes sense for China to own Hummer. For years they've been looking for a smaller, lighter, more fuel-efficient tank to run over their democracy protesters.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was reported Monday to be having an extramarital affair with a second female news anchor. He came close to being a national figure. Had Hillary Clinton been elected president he would have been Bill Clinton's stunt double.

The Los Angeles Lakers host game one of the NBA Finals Thursday at the Staples Center. The city has really changed since its last NBA title. All the neighborhoods which used to riot when the Lakers won would only riot today if Sotomayor loses.

Sonia Sotomayor met with Senate Republicans Tuesday. They said she's a delight but they don't know if they'll vote for her. They don't have the richness of her experience as a wise Latina woman so they make decisions by examining all the evidence.

Susan Boyle was taken to a London asylum crying for her pet cat after she lost Britain's Got Talent Saturday. No wonder the show is so popular. Putting amateurs on television is just a more sophisticated way of frying ants with a magnifying glass.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was forced to rent his New York suburban home Monday after he was unable to sell it for more than he owed on it. It could have bankrupted him. Thank God at the last minute the Chinese agreed to buy the guest house.

Dick Cheney backed gay marriage Tuesday, saying that Americans ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they want. He's nothing if not consistent. For years he's believed that Americans should be free to enter into any country they want.

President Obama speaks in Cairo today on U.S.-Muslim relations over Arab TV. He plans to discuss his Muslim roots. One day Barack Obama will have to watch the tape of this speech the way Bill Buckner watches that ground ball rolling through his legs.

President Obama flew to Saudi Arabia Wednesday to discuss energy. He's the only automaker who doesn't mind high oil prices. They will help him sell Chevy Volts, and besides, GM's fast cars always wind up with Confederate decals on the back windows.

The U.S. government mistakenly released the location of all U.S. nuclear sites and now everyone knows where we keep our uranium. This only makes global unemployment a lot worse. Spies have just been added to the list of people whose jobs are obsolete.

The White House ordered U.S. embassies worldwide to invite Iran's ambassadors to their Fourth of July picnics next month. The president wants to reach out without having formal relations. He can get away with this as long as he doesn't leave a stain on the blue dress.

The National Hurricane Center predicted Monday a dozen hurricanes will hit the Gulf and Atlantic coasts this season. It won't stop the migration. In New York you can have a multi-million-dollar house and pay a fortune in taxes, and in Florida you can have a multi-million-dollar house and get a fortune in hurricane rebuilding money.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-3-09

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Catch Argus on talk radio today

Call in and talk to Argus on The Alan Autry Show today on www.1300kyno.com. Scheduled for 11:00 a.m. Pacific Time. (Might be as early as 10:15 a.m.)

Listen on the Internet and call in at (559) 499-1300.

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HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Cuba and the U.S. began talks on ending the trade embargo Monday. Havana streets are jammed with U.S. cars made in the Fifties. Americans are eager to trade with Cuba because soon it will be the only place you can buy an American car with any guts.

Susan Boyle checked into a mental hospital in London Sunday to rest a few days before she comes to the U.S. Her mental health is fine. She's either getting plastic surgery, drying out or spending time with the insane to get acclimated to Los Angeles.

Titanic's last survivor Millvina Dean died at age ninety-seven Saturday. She was an infant on the doomed ship. Lawyers for the cruise line asked a judge to dismiss all remaining lawsuits on the grounds that we now know they all would have died anyway.

Romanian teen tennis star Simona Halep announced Monday she's going to have breast reduction surgery in the fall. Her male fans are petitioning her to reconsider, but there's plenty of time. When you're seventeen you've got a good twenty years before they fall.

California reported unemployment hit twelve percent Friday as home foreclosure rates rose. It's grim. College grads have begun asking their grandparents to tell them once again their tired old stories about the Great Depression, for survival tips.

The Chicago Cubs neared a sale to investor Tom Ricketts Monday on the centennial of their last title. Everyone says if Lou Piniella wins a World Series the town will name a lake after him. Naming something after Michigan just hurts the property values.

North Korea prepared an ICBM missile launch on Monday. The White House reacted calmly. The administration said a missile that size could hit Sarah Palin's home at sixty-one degrees North latitude and one hundred forty-nine degrees West longitude.

President Obama took his wife to a Broadway show in New York Saturday. It took an hour to screen the audience and actors before the curtain could go up. President Obama might want to be like Lincoln but the Secret Service isn't crazy about the idea.

The White House announced the U.S. takeover of General Motors Monday. The U.S. will own sixty percent, Canada twelve percent, the union eighteen percent, and bondholders ten percent. That still gives Treasury Secretary Max Bialystock another thirty percent to sell investors.

President Obama said Monday the U.S. won't be involved in GM operations. He swore he doesn't want to run a car company. The next day the dashboard warning light in my Buick came on telling me to check the engine and turn off Rush Limbaugh or else.

Ralph Nader denounced the GM takeover Monday, saying it wipes out all current product liability lawsuits over defective cars. It throws personal injury attorneys out of work. When God gives John Edwards a bad year, it lasts the whole twelve months.

Dick Cheney astonished conservatives Monday by telling Fox News he was personally in favor of gay marriage. No wonder the liberation of Iraq has been virtually impossible. Strict Muslims are never going to agree to gay marriage, let alone parades.

Guantanamo terror prisoners received satellite televisions Monday that get the Al-Jazeera network. The detainees also get their own cells, mail, books, prayer time, three hot meals and an exercise period. Only the United Autoworkers got a better deal.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

General Motors went bankrupt Monday, ending an era in American business. People who loaned the company money will get stock instead. This is exactly how my great-grandfather wound up with a controlling interest in the Confederate States of America.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was accused Friday of flying a teenaged actress to his seaside villa in Sardinia. The villa has waterfalls, seven swimming pools and an artificial volcano. It goes off an hour after you throw the pill into it.

Prince Harry made an official trip to New York where he saw Ground Zero, toured Harlem and played in a polo match. He's the daredevil of the family. He flew to New York on a commercial airline just for the thrill of landing on the Hudson.

George W. Bush discussed his marriage during a debate in Canada Friday. He said the pressure of the presidency made his marriage stronger. He was debating Bill Clinton and the promoter thought it would sell more tickets if they agreed on nothing.

President Obama touted Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor Saturday. He said her nomination demonstrates that in your life it doesn't matter where you come from or what you look like. If that's the way he felt he could have nominated Susan Boyle.

Britain's Got Talent discovery Susan Boyle finished second to a dance troupe in the show's final round on Saturday. Everyone in the world was watching. Yesterday Sonia Sotomayor said the richness of her life's experience would make her a better judge than Simon Cowell.

President Obama took his wife to Manhattan for a date night Saturday. He spent last week snarling traffic in Los Angeles and the weekend snarling traffic in New York. His idea of saving energy is to make driving unbearable in one city per week.

The White House refused to allow cameras to shoot President Obama playing golf on Memorial Day. He refused to allow pictures or video of him out on the golf course. The way he plays, this is the one place he'd never be mistaken for Tiger Woods.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened Friday to attack the U.S. with long-range missiles. His sanity is debatable. Kim Jong Il lives in the penthouse of a six-story building in Pyongyang and in his honor the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

North Korea prepared its seventh missile launch in a week Friday. It's getting serious. If North Korea attacks the western United States with nuclear weapons, Barack Obama can pick a Supreme Court justice without worrying about the Hispanic vote.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Saturday the U.S. will not tolerate North Korea being a nuclear state. He vowed the U.S. will hold them responsible if they arm themselves with nuclear weapons. South Korea was last seen asking Japan what it's like to be an island.

Michael Vick began house arrest in Virginia last week. He's only allowed to go to work and to church. He can't associate with or talk to known felons, which rules out a trade to the Cincinnati Bengals or an appointment to the Illinois U.S. Senate seat.

Maryland reported losing one hundred million dollars in revenue after imposing a state millionaire's tax on its residents last year. They just learned that a third of the millionaires left the state. The day the tax was passed in Annapolis, a really smart businessman opened a restaurant in the Cayman Islands specializing in crab cakes.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 6-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Prince Harry got a joyful reception in New York Friday on his first diplomatic trip to America. He won't be allowed out at night. Prince Harry is being watched like a seal hunter in a Sierra Club documentary and under the sames rules, no clubbing.

Britain's Got Talent singing discovery Susan Boyle was caught on tape swearing at reporters outside a London hotel Friday. She used every curse word in the book. It was Hip-Hop Night on the talent show and she was simply warming up on the sidewalk.

Fairfax High School in Hollywood elected an openly gay boy named Sergio Garcia as its prom queen Friday. There's more. He was elected queen of the prom and then the entire school was charged with a hate crime for using the word queen in a gay context.

Archie proposed to Veronica instead of Betty in the comic book's six-hundredth issue Friday, ending Archie's sixty-seven year triangle with Betty and Veronica at Riverdale High. He had to choose eventually. Not every all-white high school is Mormon.

Beatles producer Phil Spector got a nineteen-year sentence Friday for the shooting death of Lana Clarkson. His options are twofold now. He can appeal the verdict, or he can wait a month for Governor Schwarzenegger to sell all the prisons to a condo developer.

The White House denied the authenticity of photos released Friday purported to be of U.S. soldiers raping Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib. The Americans were all wearing different uniforms. Whenever you see a policeman, a construction worker, a fireman and a Indian chief in one picture, chances are it was taken in a West Hollywood disco.

The NAACP demanded Monday that NASCAR racetracks stop allowing patrons to wave Confederate flags during the auto races. How are they supposed to stop allowing it? General Grant's dead and he's the only one who had any luck at this sort of thing.

The Justice Department dropped charges against the Black Panthers Thursday for voter intimidation in November. Forty years ago they used to blow up banks. Today that background makes them the most experienced employees in the Treasury Department.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was credited with saving baseball's free-agency system fifteen years ago when she ruled on a player-owner dispute during the strike. She ruled against the owners and for the players, making them billions. With one bang of the gavel she turned four hundred baseball players into Republican donors.

George W. Bush refused to criticize President Obama in a speech on Thursday. He said he didn't like it when he was criticized by a former president when he was in office. Twice he stormed out of Thanksgiving dinner and had a burger at McDonald's.

General Motors will declare bankruptcy at GM's headquarters in Lower Manhattan today. The government will put another thirty billion dollars into the company, but that still may not be enough. Ground Zero is no longer the biggest bottomless pit in Lower Manhattan.

President Obama announced Friday he will name a czar to oversee cyber-security in America. It points to the generational divide. He asked in his State of the Union address for Congress to take action against hackers and they raised the cigarette taxes.

President Obama said Thursday that he wants Israel to halt all construction in existing West Bank settlements. It makes sense to him. If he's ever going to get home prices to rebound, he's got to halt all new construction until the supply equals demand.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio