Argus Hamilton's column for 5-31-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The CIA began hiring Wall Street investment bankers and hedge fund managers on Thursday. They want to find out exactly where Afghan drug traffickers park their money. You figure, who would know better than the people who parked the money for them?

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il claimed Tuesday that his ICBM missiles can reach Los Angeles. He drinks two quarts of Cognac a day, snorts cocaine, takes Viagra and dates teenaged girls. You'd think he'd spare Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush squared off onstage in Canada Friday where they engaged in debate. It ended with their legacies intact. Bill Clinton went back to the hotel with the moderator's wife and George W. Bush toppled the government of Canada.

The Real Housewives of Washington D.C. was reported Thursday to be a new reality show in production. In one episode, a senator's wife is horrified to discover her husband in bed. She was turning tricks at the time and there was a scheduling mix-up.

Barack Obama was driven from the Beverly Hilton to speak at the Beverly Hills Hotel Thursday morning. He snarled L.A. traffic for two days. By the time he left town, Californians were recounting ballots to see if they could tip the election to McCain.

Mel Gibson's adult children hired lawyers Thursday to protect their interest in Mel's billion-dollar fortune. Those kids have no right to his fortune. If they want to retire well they can spend six weeks filming the whipping of Jesus just like he did.

Nancy Pelosi declared in China Thursday that people must open every aspect of their lives to personal inventory in the battle against global warming. She wants to control what light bulb you use, what car you may drive, what food you may eat and where to set your thermostat. How does she get away with calling herself pro-choice?

Queen Elizabeth wasn't invited to attend the D-Day event with Nicolas Sarkozy and Barack Obama. She has no business there. Sarkozy is Hungarian and Obama is Kenyan and the commemoration is restricted to people who had nothing to do with winning the war.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu urged everybody Tuesday to paint their roofs white to help fight global warming. One thing you can sure say for President Obama. He wasn't kidding when he told the Painters Union he won't forget them for their support.

California cut off money to house new mental hospital patients Thursday, causing an outcry from psychiatrists and therapists. The state simply can't afford to keep up with the need. Every day thousands more cases come over the border from Wonderland.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor prompted outrage by saying a Latina woman's life experiences make her a better judge than a white man. That's silly. Obviously she's never tried to judge whether the next shot calls for a four-iron or a five-iron.

The White House is considering a twenty-five percent national sales tax. That's on top of cola, liquor and tobacco taxes. Warren Buffet weathered this recession because thirty years ago he bought a pack of Marlboros and held it in his retirement account.

The White House announced Thursday the U.S. will host the Group of Twenty summit this year in Pittsburgh. The city is very experienced with recession. In February the mayor presented the Super Bowl winning coach with the key to the Midnight Mission.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Motor Trend magazine raved about next year's six-hundred-horsepower Corvette, which was just unveiled. It's being advertised as the fastest car General Motors ever made. GM's board of directors met Wednesday and decided to die with their boots on.

Jay Leno hosts his last Tonight Show Friday before he goes to prime time. It's a risky move. When the jokes die in that time period, the audience expects to see a detective and a beautiful D.A. interviewing the joke writers to figure out who did it.

President Obama attended a Democratic Party dinner at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Wednesday. It was a real sob fest. Ever since he began giving jobs to people with compelling personal stories, everyone he meets has got a relative on life support.

West Hollywood held street protests Tuesday after the California Supreme Court upheld the same-sex marriage ban enacted by Proposition 8. The atmosphere was festive. The police handed out seventy-five hundred citations for following too close.

Republican Party attorney Ted Olson filed a federal lawsuit against California's same-sex marriage ban Wednesday. He needs the money. Ted Olson is a constitutional lawyer and now that we don't have a constitution he'll have to go back to school and learn a trade.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu urged everybody Tuesday to paint their roofs white to save the planet from global warming. The president won't be happy to hear that remark. If there's one thing he stands for, it's the end of white always being on top.

Samsung was ordered to recall some of their cellphones Wednesday because the emergency speed-dial features weren't programmed to call the police department. The cell phones are made in South Korea. They're programmed to call the Seventh Fleet.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened to attack America Wednesday after days of nuclear bomb detonations and missile tests. His missiles are able to reach Japan. However, it wouldn't help General Motors because all the Toyota plants are in Kentucky.

The White House announced Tuesday that President Obama will visit Saudi Arabia during his overseas trip next week as guest of the Saudi royal family. It's long overdue. He's been president over four months, it's about time he met with the owners.

President Obama announced Tuesday that he's nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court and cited her compelling personal story as a main reason. That's affirmative action code meaning she's not qualified. Republicans have already filmed a campaign TV commercial showing Ken Starr's hands crumpling up a letter of rejection.

Newt Gingrich called Sonia Sotomayor a racist Wednesday for saying her experience as a Latina woman gives her better judgment than white males. He was positively giddy. Anglo-Saxons haven't gotten to be the victim since Britain was occupied by the Romans.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor was taped stating that the appellate court is where U.S. policy is made. She said she knew she was on tape and shouldn't say that, but she did. The last person in Washington who said this won a free helicopter ride to San Clemente.

President Obama tied up traffic in West Los Angeles Wednesday by choosing to land at noon. His motorcade shut down the San Diego Freeway and Wilshire Boulevard. Four years from now, no one will remember that the reason Obama was a one-term president was Air Force One buzzing New York for a photo-op and a five-hour traffic jam on Wilshire.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama named Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court Tuesday. He hailed her life experience. It could inspire college kids to go home and kill at least one of their parents so they'll have a compelling personal story when they hit the job market.

California's Supreme Court upheld the same-sex marriage ban Tuesday. This won't affect gay couples who married before the ban. There are eighteen thousand gay couples who must stay married while everybody else sleeps around because it's the law.

Jay Leno will welcome his replacement host Conan O'Brien as guest on his final Tonight Show Friday. It's called continuity of political comedy. We're one of the few countries in the world that can pull off a transition like this without bloodshed.

John Daly will return to the PGA Tour next week in Memphis after his six-month suspension ended. His game is sharp. He's been playing in Europe and in Asia, and he had an excellent showing last week in Thailand where he finished second at Chug-a-Lug.

Red Bull was banned in Germany Monday after trace amounts of cocaine were found in it. It makes no sense. You'd think the only country in the world with no speed limit in the left lane wouldn't object to a little cocaine in the energy drinks.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was quoted on Tuesday saying that Latina women are wiser than white males. How wise she is. If only one of the Founding Fathers had had ovaries, the Second Amendment might have been worded much more clearly.

President Obama cited Judge Sotomayor for her role in the baseball strike. She saved free agency. If not for her ruling, Barack Obama would have to confiscate all that money from the owners instead of the players in order to pay for health care.

North Korea conducted more missile tests Tuesday after a busy weekend detonating nuclear bombs underground and firing short-range missiles. They fired six missiles in two days. Not everyone takes bird attacks on their airliners lying down like we do.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's missile launches and atomic bomb test Monday set off worldwide alarm. There was no advance announcement at all. North Korea is such a secret society, not even the Bushes or the Kerrys could get into it in college.

The White House condemned North Korea's missile tests Tuesday. Our options are limited. We could heat up the atmosphere high enough to melt North Korean missiles before they could land, but that would mean building automobiles Americans want to buy.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons snubbed President Obama in Las Vegas Tuesday. It's because he demonized businesses that held conventions in Las Vegas. Just because the president's happily married doesn't mean he has to deprive everyone else of a week off.

O.J. Simpson appealed his Nevada conviction Tuesday saying he did not get a fair trial because his jury wasn't diverse. It was just bad luck. You'd think if you had a jury of twelve people in Nevada you'd get at least two murderers and an armed robber.

General Custer comes back to life in the movie hit Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. He died protecting gold miners poaching in Sioux territory. This is what was known as a compelling American story when only white males could vote.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

A Night at the Museum: the Battle at the Smithsonian is a box office smash. In it, wax dummies of historical figures come to life. Everyone loves the scene where capitalism gets up off the canvas and stops the president from seizing General Motors.

President Obama addressed a crowd at Arlington Cemetery on Memorial Day. He began his remarks by saying that at the end of his speech he would like a moment of silence. Comedians recognized that old trick, it's called having no faith in your closing joke.

John McCain hosted a movie marathon on AMC Monday. They ran four films showing the U.S. and Britain fighting Germany. It's a throwback to the good old days when you could fight a war against someone without having to be sensitive to their culture.

Bud Selig blamed bad weather for Major League Baseball's drop in attendance of four thousand customers per game this year. It's a public relations nightmare. Half the fans have lost interest because the players were using steroids and half the fans have lost interest because the players have stopped using steroids.

California lawmakers proposed adding a two-dollar tax on cigarettes Tuesday. The U.S. may add three dollars a pack. Cigarettes are so valuable that pretty soon people will be using dollars for currency inside prisons and cigarettes for currency outside.

The Los Angeles Times interviewed disillusioned al-Qaeda fighters who returned home to Europe saying they were fed up with the whole thing. Al-Qaeda is like soccer. No matter how big it is in Europe, in America people just outgrow it.

Nancy Pelosi refused comment Friday after the CIA refuted her claim she wasn't briefed on waterboarding. Her colleagues said they were all told. Nancy Pelosi flew to China Monday but it's odd she was allowed on the plane with her pants on fire.

Somali pirates were captured by a NATO ship off the coast of Africa Monday and then were released after the sailors seized the pirates' weapons and boarding ladders. It's a trick NATO learned from the LAPD. They can detain black people, they can harass black people, but as long as they don't make an arrest, they don't have to do any paperwork.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged President Obama to a debate at the U.N. Monday. It wouldn't be very interesting. So far the only thing they disagree on is whether the BCS computer system should be replaced by a college football playoff.

President Obama proclaimed Friday that waterboarding does not reflect American values. He wants interrogation to reflect American values. Now al-Qaeda doesn't know if they're going to be conquered, enslaved or if atomic bombs will be dropped on them.

North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb Monday and then test-fired a long range missile afterwards. Hopefully the missiles can reach Southern California. It's the only way we could get past the environmentalists to drill for either oil or water.

The U.N. went into emergency session Monday to deal with North Korea's nuclear blast. The North Koreans could wage a nuclear attack on South Korea or sell the nuclear bombs to Syria or Iran. After six hours of heated debate, the U.N. voted unanimously to censure Israel for digging a tomato garden in the backyard of a duplex.

North Korea's nuclear bomb test was judged successful Monday by seismologists throughout Asia. The North Koreans are furious at the U.S. because for twenty years they supported themselves by counterfeiting U.S. currency and now it's worthless. Who knew that Barack Obama's economic policy was a backdoor way to bring down North Korea?


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Michael Vick went back to Virginia last week where he'll serve home detention to finish his prison term for arranging dogfights. There was a huge crowd at his house when he arrived. President Obama and Dick Cheney were going at it in the chicken coop.

The Dallas Cowboys unveiled their new stadium's Diamond Vision videoscreens on Friday. Each screen is seven stories high and fifty yards wide. The Cowboys will end up being the first NFL franchise whose team doctor has also worked on Joan Rivers.

Stormy Daniels announced Thursday she's formed an exploratory committee to run for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana. The news rocked the adult movie world. She's the first porno movie star to run for the U.S. Senate, a lateral move if there ever was one.

John Hinckley asked a judge for a driver's license that he can use during his hospital furloughs. He shot President Reagan and Press Secretary James Brady. If he's caught driving without a license he could get locked up for life under the Three Strikes law.

The Pentagon said one out of seven detainees released from Guantanamo returns to terrorism. Six out of seven reform. Those Terrorist Anonymous meetings began to work once we stopped making them say the Lord's Prayer at the end of every meeting.

President Obama and Dick Cheney squared off in dueling speeches Thursday about what to do with terrorists in custody. The jury's out on which method polls better. Dick Cheney wants to keep them in Guantanamo where they can be beaten to death while Barack Obama wants to transfer them to America where they can be taxed to death.

The Senate Finance Committee proposed a huge excise tax increase on liquor and wine and beer Friday. Snack food is next. They won't be happy until there's a meter on the side of your head so they can charge you five dollars for every impure thought.

The FBI busted a terror plot in Manhattan to blow up synagogues and shoot down planes Thursday after FBI agents sold the suspects fake explosives and fake missiles. The terrorists had no idea the weapons were worthless garbage. Moody's had rated them AAA.

Joint Chiefs Chairman Mike Mullen told the Senate Thursday that Afghanistan's poppy crop is financing the Taliban. It stirred debate. Republicans were quick to point out that if we were to deregulate the domestic heroin industry we could bring those jobs back home.

Congress voted Thursday not to pursue House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's charges the CIA lied to her on torture. She's third in line for the presidency. Every Easter when the president is resurrected, she and Joe Biden are always a little disappointed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger lost all his referendums last week trying to raise taxes in California. His movie career is over and his approval rating has tanked. If he was any less popular Mel Brooks's next musical would be Springtime for Schwarzenegger.

New York Mets officials called a plumber during a game at Citi Field last week after a woman got her hand stuck in a toilet trying to retrieve a lost gold tooth. It ended up being a win-win. The woman got her hand back and Citibank told the Treasury Department they want to take the stress test again now that they have gold reserves.

The White House proposed fuel standards for cars made in America that will make them a ton lighter when they are built in seven years. Every five hundred pounds of reduced car weight results in an extra eight hundred highway deaths a year. Federal mileage standards have killed so many Americans they have been put on the no-fly list.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Memorial Day, and how's everybody?

The U.S. military was reported to be burning Bibles in Afghanistan Tuesday. They were sent to a soldier to help convert the population to Christianity, but that violates U.S. military rules. We're not there to convert them, we're there to kill them.

NBC's Law and Order was renewed for a twentieth season Monday. It tied a record held by Gunsmoke. If the White House spent less time reading editorial pages and more time reading the entertainment section, they'd realize Americans love Guantanamo.

The Preakness drew huge ratings Saturday featuring filly Rachel Alexandra and the gelding Mine That Bird. Neither the Kentucky Derby winner nor the Preakness winner can make a dollar in stud fees. The crackdown on Craigslist has gone too far.

Jaguar got rave reviews from Car and Driver magazine with its new five-hundred-horsepower luxury car. The automaker was sold last year to a car company in India. There's a big demand in India for cars that can outrun nuclear missiles from Pakistan.

New York Jet Mark Sanchez posed in a bathing suit layout for GQ magazine. He succeeded Matt Leinart at USC, who majored in ballroom dancing. USC never lets the quarterbacks lead the calisthenics because by the third minute the whole team is dancing the Charleston.

Michael Jackson canceled his London comeback tour Wednesday. Tickets weren't selling. Because of Michael Jackson's reputation the question of when to schedule his comeback tour will always be like Lincoln assassination jokes, it's still too soon.

Steven Spielberg was sued by Martin Luther King III and his sister Bernice King for buying the rights to their father's story from their brother and not from them. It's so inspiring. Someday kids will have to memorize Bernice King's I Have a Lawyer speech.

President Obama was stopped by the Senate Wednesday from transferring Guantanamo detainees to U.S. soil. He wants to let al-Qaeda set up shop in U.S. prisons. Americans polled said that Barack Obama is a terrorist sympathizer but they still like him personally.

President Obama was handed a defeat on the Guantanamo prison Wednesday when the Senate voted to keep it open indefinitely. No one will obey him. Nancy Pelosi won't apologize to the CIA, Harry Reid won't release money to close Guantanamo, and the only time his new dog Bo will sit quietly and listen is during the Rush Limbaugh Show.

Dick Cheney slammed President Obama in a speech Thursday to the American Enterprise Institute for not keeping America safe. The vice president is performing a vital role. Without Lex Luthor, Superman has nothing to do but walk peple safely across the street.

Bill Clinton accepted the appointment in New York Wednesday to serve as the U.N. special envoy to Haiti. He just loves to embark upon humanitarian missions. He'll be bringing discounted AIDS drugs to the island nation and that's just in his dop kit.

Michael Vick was released to house arrest in Virginia Wednesday. He's going to work forty hours a week for a construction company. He joined a Mexican gang in prison and now he's returning to Virginia to take construction jobs from black people.

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm was interviewed Tuesday for the Supreme Court vacancy. First Barack Obama fired the CEO of GM, then he bought Chrysler, and now he wants to remove the governor of Michigan. This is what happens when a young mother refuses to buy her son a complete set of Hot Wheels cars for Christmas, and then he grows up to be president.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-24-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin resigned his post in London Monday. He took personal responsibility for unethical conduct by other lawmakers. Even Helen Keller's teacher wouldn't be able to make Nancy Pelosi understand why he stepped down.

The Denver Nuggets accidentally scheduled pro wrestling in the Pepsi Center the same night as a playoff game. The confusion is understandable. If you're watching the playoffs, you know the only difference between the NBA and pro wrestling is capes.

New York paleontologists unveiled a forty-seven-million-year-old lemur monkey fossil Tuesday saying it proves man descended from apes. The apes are not happy. Just last month a chimp in Connecticut was shot by police for saying none of this was his fault.

France's first lady Carla Bruni ripped Pope Benedict Tuesday for saying condom use makes the AIDS problem worse. You can't fault his logic. Improving the survival rate just adds to the pressure on the pope to rule on same-sex marriage.

The White House proposed new auto standards Tuesday requiring new cars to be lighter and more fuel-efficient. They don't do well in crash tests. A jogger in Los Angeles got hit by a Smart Car last night and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.

Detroit auto executives pretended to applaud the White House proposals for new car standards. It may go nowhere. Thirty years ago the government announced we were all going to go on the metric system, and only the drug dealers followed the law.

President Obama proposed requiring cars to get thirty-five miles a gallon last week. All new cars must conform to California standards. Each car must be tan and blonde with silicone front bumpers and a trunk big enough for the maid and the gardener.

Hillary Clinton hailed Rachel Alexandra for winning the Preakness in a women's college graduation speech Sunday. She's the exception. When the Obama crowd first heard the name Rachel Alexandra they thought there was a Romanov they forgot to shoot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was targeted by a recall petition drive Tuesday. You've got to love California. Six years ago Arnold ran against Gary Coleman, Gallagher and porn star Mary Carey, and we elected the one that was least fiscally responsible.

The FEC dismissed a complaint against the GOP Tuesday for spending over a hundred thousand dollars on clothes to outfit Sarah Palin during the presidential campaign. The party spent lavishly on her at Neiman's, Saks, Macy's and Barney's. The Republican Party plan to revive the retail sector is to nominate only women for national office.

Bill Clinton was named a special U.N. envoy to Haiti by the U.N. Secretary-General in New York Tuesday. He just raised three hundred million dollars for Haiti and he's being paid a dollar a year. That is the new standard rate for financial professionals.

United Nations economic analysts reported Tuesday that piracy was Somalia's number-one industry. No wonder they have a ninety-seven percent approval rating. They took in thirty million in ransoms, and only paid out four million in welfare benefits.

The U.S. Senate approved a credit card bill Tuesday which also allows loaded handguns to be brought inside U.S. national parks and wildlife refuges. The gun rights measure was slipped into the bill by Republicans. They believe as an article of faith that oil drillers have a constitutional right to defend themselves during exploration.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Washington Redskins won a lawsuit brought by Indian tribes Friday who said the team's name offends Native Americans. They said the name symbolizes racism, conquest, subjugation and imperialism. They wanted it changed to the Maryland Redskins.

China demolished a sex theme park called Love Land on Monday before it opened. A lot of people lost money on the deal. Bill Clinton was supposed to be paid a million dollars to speak at the opening, which Hillary had been told was a conference on AIDS.

Michael Irvin hosts a reality show on Spike TV that lets five athletes compete for a chance to make the Dallas Cowboys. It's a new twist on a proven idea. For ten years Cops has followed young men in their first year with the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michael Phelps lost two swimming races in Charlotte last weekend after serving his suspension for being photographed smoking pot from a bong. He's way out of shape. His trainer just put him on candy cigarettes til he is back up to Olympic form.

Brett Favre was reported Monday to have undergone surgery for a slight tear in his bicep. This lets him keeps his option open for the fall. He's either going to play quarterback in the NFL or he wants to pick cotton on his farm without pain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez apologized to his team in Florida Friday for getting suspended for taking a banned substance. He got very emotional. The language barrier didn't keep him from making it clear that he didn't take any stereos.

The Barack and Michelle Obama Paper Doll and Cut-Out Book comes out today. It features their inaugural outfits, European visit ensembles and beachwear. They were going to include the cars they own but the GM and Chrysler fleets took up too much room in the package.

The Food and Drug Administration issued orders Monday requiring labels on food to be more specific when stating fat content. This is long overdue. Food products will now be labeled no-fat, low-fat, reduced-fat and fat but with a great personality.

Woody Allen was awarded five million dollars in damages from American Apparel for using his image in an ad without permission. The company had said Allen's image has no dollar value considering his world-famous scandals. That's ridiculous, Calvin Klein built an entire brand identity based on sexualizing twelve-year-olds.

President Obama agreed to keep all options on the table with Iran Monday while meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu. He's giving Iran ultimatums, hiding torture photos, keeping Guantanamo open, and reinstating military tribunals. The genealogists warned us last year that he's Dick Cheney's nineteenth cousin but nobody would listen.

President Obama met with resistance from Cuba on opening doors Monday. He said further progress would involve Cuba's willingness to free all political prisoners held on the island. They'd love to comply, but security at Guantanamo is really tight.

NASA astronauts finished fixing the Hubble Telescope out in space Monday. They have to get it right the first time because they'll never be able to get back there again. Anybody who's had their kitchen remodeled by an illegal alien knows the feeling.

Wall Street banks asked the government for permission to return the TARP money on Monday. Bankers want to pay it back and ditch the salary cap, but the government would rather decline the payback to keep control over the banks. The White House Counsel has assured the president that the Emancipation Proclamation doesn't apply to bankers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Nancy Pelosi said Wednesday the CIA lied to her about waterboarding terrorists, igniting a firestorm. It was a bad move. Once the CIA leaks satellite photos of her sunbathing, Donald Trump will never allow her to keep her title as House Speaker.

President Obama gave a commencement speech at Notre Dame Sunday where he spoke about bridging great differences and about changing history. Sadly his plea fell on deaf ears. USC will always be a Methodist school and they will always hate each other.

Pittsburgh Steelers star linebacker James Harrison declined to go to the White House with his Super Bowl champion team today. He also declined the winner's invite to the White House four years ago. He doesn't know what business he's going into after he retires from NFL football, but he doesn't want the FBI to have his thumbprint.

Michael Vick was released from prison to a halfway house Monday and he hired a trainer to help get him in shape. This will be trouble. All the trainers he knows will train him to growl and bite the throat of anyone who intercepts one of his passes.

Los Angeles was struck by a moderate-size earthquake Sunday at sundown, followed by dozens of aftershocks. It had to happen eventually. California's government has thrown so many tax dollars down a rat hole, it's destabilized the crust of the earth.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself under siege Monday for saying the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. She knows from experience that torture doesn't work. She's had Botox shots right next to her eyes and she never gave up her real age.

Arnold Schwarzenegger spelled out doomsday scenarios before five revenue-raising ballot measures went before the voters in California Tuesday. He amped up the scare tactics. He said if Californians are not willing to pay more taxes we'll have to adopt a one-child policy.

The Hubble Telescope resumed working Monday after NASA's repair job. It scans the galaxies for any signs of intelligent life. The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

The White House announced future regulations for all U.S.-made cars Tuesday. From now on all cars are going to be made under the same standards as California cars. They must be able to be steered with the right knee while the driver drinks coffee, talks on the cell phone, texts the office for messages, and shoots the driver who just cut him off.

The Commerce Department reported weak sales of jewelry and cars Monday. Analysts say that due to the recession, the best-selling items are chocolates, lipstick and condoms. More and more Americans are going back to school to train for a new career as a whore.

President Obama agreed with Israel Monday to give Iran six months to end their nuclear program or else. That's November. No one can believe it, Barack Obama is going to pre-empt the Dallas Cowboys game on Thanksgiving with another one of his speeches.

President Obama angered liberals by sending more U.S. troops to Afghanistan last week. He also maintained secrecy on torture photos and reinstated military tribunals for terror suspects. This is why presidents go to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington on Easter, the right policies are printed on cards on the back of the pew.

A Royal Air Force pilot ejected from his Harrier bomber in a space-age rocket seat after he safely crash-landed his bomb-filled plane on an Afghan runway to avoid an airliner. It's all on tape. Sully Sullenberger never should have ended his Larry King interview by challenging any pilot to top his landing on the Hudson River.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

General Motors announced plans to close a thousand car dealerships Friday. The news is ominous. With Wall Street shuttered, banks regulated, and car salesmen and auto mechanics laid off, the only jobs left for liars will be on the World Poker Tour.

Alex Rodriguez got a giant ovation from Yankees fans Friday when he came to bat in the new Yankee Stadium for the first time. The thousand-dollar seats near home plate were all filled. The process servers just charge it to the U.S. attorney's office.

Bob Barker revealed Saturday he was asked to star in a porno movie when he was starting out. How long ago was that? He turned it down because Thomas Alva Edison wouldn't spring for a dressing room trailer and he refused to change in the men's room.

The Producers opened in Berlin Friday and the audience cheered the show that portrays Hitler as a campy laughingstock. They went wild during the Springtime for Hitler number. It will run in Germany for only two months, any longer than that risks window breakage.

Colgan Air executives told Congress Friday some of their pilots make only sixteen thousand dollars a year. That explains the bird strikes. The birds aren't flying into the planes, the pilots are flying into the flocks to pick up some free poultry for dinner.

NASA astronauts used wrenches and screwdrivers while floating in space Saturday to fix the Hubble Telescope. They're correcting its aim. For six years it's been trained on Nancy Pelosi's every move and now they want it to watch planets for awhile.

Nancy Pelosi was pilloried in the media Friday over her changing stories about when she first heard about waterboarding. She was a blur. She shifted so often and changed directions so fast that John Madden is going to build a video game around her.

President Obama nominated Utah's GOP governor Jon Huntsman for U.S. ambassador to China Saturday. He had to pick someone from the other party. Under President's Obama's economic plan, Republicans will sell U.S. debt and Democrats will sell used cars.

Joe Biden released a hundred million dollars in stimulus money to remove lead paint from low-income homes. He said it will employ a lot of people to take dangerous materials out of the houses. If we can expose enough government workers to asbestos, we can employ the next generation of community organizers to file their medical claims.

Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. The property includes a gas chamber. However, it's been so long since anybody was executed in California that death row is now a record label.

GOP Chairman Michael Steele spoke to the NRA convention in Phoenix Friday and warned that Obama wants to take away their guns. He was preaching to the choir. Arizona is so pro-gun that the Phoenix Theater's production of Peter Pan features a shootout at the end.

Homeland Security was reported on Friday to be training Eagle Scouts to assist the Border Patrol. What a test. They're going to put these fine young men on the border where they'll be exposed to massive quantities of cocaine, pot, and illegal cash, and then we're going to find out who's really an Eagle Scout and who's just faking it.

Prince Harry will fly to New York for his first trip to America Friday. He's got a busy schedule. He's going to Harlem, he's going to Ground Zero, he's going to play polo, and he's going to take a DNA test to prove John Edwards is not his father.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Calvin Borel became the first jockey in horseracing history Saturday to win the Kentucky Derby on one horse and win the Preakness on another horse in the same year. What an achievement. The jockey is set for life, just on the stud fees he's going to collect.

CIA Director Leon Panetta said Friday that nobody misled Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. It's starting to wear on her. She gets her hair done every morning on the way to work and today it took three people to get her to put her head in the shampoo bowl.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for head-butting a man while drunk at a New York party. He could go back to jail for violating his drunk driving probation in L.A. Kiefer Sutherland would be a billionaire today if whiskey came in deposit bottles.

Roger Clemens didn't say the brightest thing in his latest denial of steroid use. He claimed that heart problems are hereditary in his family, adding that his step-father died of a heart attack. Perhaps his attorney advised him to plead diminished capacity.

Playboy announced Tuesday it will begin publishing every other month to reduce costs. It has its place. A glossy magazine with nude photos of cheerleader types seems out-of-date to many men, unless there's a power outage and they can't get online.

The Treasury Department admitted that a Social Security computer malfunctioned Friday and sent millions of dollars in stimulus checks to dead people. The stimulus checks are a total waste of money. Even a defibrillator won't bring these people back.

Pfizer announced Thursday it will give Viagra pills free to customers who have lost their jobs or health insurance. This is so inhumane. The last thing an out-of-work auto worker, auto executive or auto dealer needs right now is a bundle of joy.

The U.S. Mint honored Abe Lincoln Friday with a new image of him on the penny. It shows him sitting on a log as a young man, studying a textbook. The teachers' union is angry at the mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them.

Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year a week before the wedding anniversary. There's also a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized, and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.

Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed raising cash for California's treasury Thursday by selling San Quentin prison to developers. It won't sell in this market. Nobody wants to purchase real estate with tenants in it because it's so hard to get them out.

The National Rifle Association enjoyed huge attendance at its convention in Phoenix over the weekend. Gun owners are stockpiling weapons and ammo because they think the White House will restrict gun ownership. To paraphrase Al Capone, you're a lot safer with the Constitution and a gun than you are with the Constitution alone.

Alan Greenspan was hired to give a speech to the National Realtors Association Tuesday in Washington D.C. He doesn't need the money. Alan Greenspan retired as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and with that comes a lucrative modeling contract.

An Oslo judge fined a man a hundred thousand dollars for drunk driving Tuesday in Norway. The country bases fines on personal wealth and the drunk is worth forty million. If California had this law it'd be called the Chauffeurs Full Employment Act.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Senator John McCain will host a war movie marathon for American Movie Classics to help commemorate Memorial Day. It won't do very well in the ratings. Over on Turner Classic Movies, Sarah Palin is hosting a Beverly Hillbillies marathon.

Nancy Pelosi called the CIA liars Thursday as she told a fifth version of when she first learned about CIA waterboarding. People back in California are upset by her shifting story. It could mean Botox causes memory loss and eventually job loss.

Miss California Carrie Prejean stood by her opposition to gay marriage last week at a press briefing. She's very mainstream. Carrie Prejean has the same expressed view on gay marriage as Barack Obama, and they both like to pose topless in magazines.

Shirley Jones was pitched to Playboy for a nude photo spread Monday by husband Marty Ingels. At last a Miss California for everyone. She's wholesome and beautiful but nobody who starred in as many musicals as she did would dare oppose gay marriage.

Mafia princess Victoria Gotti was evicted from her Long Island mansion Tuesday due to foreclosure. The family never had any problem with late payments before. The mansion includes the standard Mafia hot tub, six feet wide and ten thousand feet deep.

NASA astronaut Andrew Feustel struggled to fix the Hubble Space Telescope camera Friday. He pushed his wrench for an hour to loosen one bolt. If this is the pace of government work, your kids will be on Social Security before their schools are repaired.

The USS Gettysburg caught seventeen Somali pirates who had captured an Egyptian merchant ship and detained them Thursday. We caught a lucky break. The Africans saw Gettysburg on the side of the warship and foolishly assumed it was there to free them.

President Obama greeted the World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies at the White House Friday, calling them fellow underdogs. That's not all they have in common. He and the Dominican players traded tips about the best places to buy birth certificates.

Major League Baseball vowed Friday to double its effort to warn players of the danger of using steroids. The side effects are frightening. The stress of trying to manage twenty million dollars a year in this market could give you a heart attack.

George W. Bush was reported Thursday to have already raised one hundred million dollars for his presidential library at SMU. The library foundation said there were no foreign contributors. The last thing he did as president was to annex Saudi Arabia.

President Obama trumpeted his Credit Card Holder Bill of Rights in New Mexico Thursday. It's got a responsibility clause. You can't just buy things and expect the money to appear out of nowhere to pay for it, not unless you were elected to Congress.

The White House said Thursday Social Security and Medicare could be bankrupt sooner than expected. It raised hackles. Baby Boomers won't tolerate having Medicare taken away unless marijuana is legalized and subsidized, and pre-rolled for anyone with arthritis.

President Obama addresses a fundraiser for Harry Reid in Nevada next Tuesday. It's a great state. It was settled when Old West prospectors found gold bracelets, gold earrings and gold teeth in the mountains and word spread they discovered a whorehouse.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-17-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Prince Harry arrives in New York Friday on his first trip to America. Everyone is excited. If there's anything that'll put an end to the media's endless fawning over President Obama it's an English prince who recently broke up with his girlfriend.

President Obama speaks at Notre Dame Sunday despite Catholic Church opposition to his abortion views. Students, faculty, clergy and bishops are outraged he's on campus. Coach Charlie Weis greeted him at the airport to thank him for the cover fire.

President Obama opposed release of photos of detainee abuse Thursday and won't transfer the detainees or give them trials. Comedians understand his thinking. He saw Will Ferrell getting huge laughs impersonating George W. Bush and decided to try it himself.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday the CIA lied to her seven years ago in the briefing about the waterboarding of terror suspects. She said they didn't brief her, but the CIA records and other congressmen indicate they briefed her, then she said she knew but she wasn't informed. Miss California sounded better explaining where babies come from.

Nancy Pelosi called the CIA liars for saying they told her they had waterboarded terrorists. Don't miss the tabloids for the next two weeks. She'd better remember everywhere she's ever sunbathed before she insults people with satellite surveillance.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made a revenue-raising proposal Thursday to sell the Los Angeles Coliseum and San Quentin Prison. They are state-owned landmarks. If he added the Oakland Coliseum he would be selling every place the Raiders ever played.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones christened his new stadium Cowboys Stadium on Thursday. He hasn't yet found the right buyer for the stadium naming rights. He's really sorry he took twenty million dollars to name the practice facility Wrath of God Field.

The New York Times had to fire its restaurant critic Frank Bruni Thursday. The restaurant business is really hurting in New York. In Frank Bruni's last review he was telling readers how to get the coin slots at the Automat to take Canadian quarters.

The Senate Commerce Committee heard testimony Wednesday that commuter airliners are being flown by new pilots making sixteen thousand a year. The lesson for all travelers is clear. Never board an airplane where the co-pilot is wearing a paper hat.

President Obama held a town hall meeting on credit card interest rates Thursday in New Mexico. He said he once had credit card debt problems himself. Baby Boomers have been having trouble with credit cards ever since we stopped using them to chop cocaine.

Sarah Palin defended Miss California Carrie Prejean from media attacks for her opposition to gay marriage. Gay militants are very serious. They routinely accuse heterosexual white people of being Nazis, giving the pope some much-needed bench time.

The White House halted the government use of the phrase War on Drugs Friday by order of the Drug Czar. After forty years, we've lost. If the drugs are as good to us as we were to all the countries we defeated, we'll be back on our feet in no time.

FEMA summoned reporters Thursday to unveil six newly-designed mobile homes for disaster victims. The agency says that they're clean, they're beige and they have safe levels of formaldehyde. They were designed to sleep four autoworkers comfortably.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Barclays Capital declared Wednesday the recession ended in April. We're a long way from recovery. With five thousand dollars you can either go to a Yankees game or you can buy a controlling interest in General Motors and watch a big loss either way.

The N.Y. Yankees began auctioning off the dirt, seats and fences from old Yankee Stadium on Tuesday. They got ten thousand dollars for forty square feet of grass. It's so obviously the top cash crop in America you'd think Congress would legalize it.

The FDA told General Mills Monday it can't advertise its cereals as cholesterol-lowering unless they're regulated as drugs. It caused quick turmoil. The next day Michael Phelps lost his Zig Zag endorsement because Wheaties is a competitive product.

Pope Benedict was slammed in Israel for being casual about the Holocaust. They said he was a German who joined the Hitler Youth and Hitler's army. When the pope put a prayer in the Wailing Wall, he asked God for a joke that would work on this crowd.

U.S. reporter Roxana Saberi was released by Iran Tuesday after she was convicted for espionage. It was tough. She finally convinced them that a photo of her holding a secret Iranian defense document without a scarf over her head had been Photoshopped.

Sarah Palin signed a book deal to write her memoirs Monday. She said she wants to tell her family's story without going through the filter of the mainstream media. They're always obsessed with who's pregnant, who's high and who reminds them of Nixon.

President Obama met with House Democrats Wednesday and told them that he wants a health care reform bill on his desk by August. The president told reporters that he wants the legislation now because the stars are aligned. The stars are under the mistaken impression that plastic surgery will be covered by the new health care plan.

The U.S. Senate held hearings Wednesday on the enhanced interrogation techniques used on terrorists. They're all more familiar with waterboarding than they will admit. Every night reporters pour vodka down their throats and they sing like canaries.

President Obama decided on Wednesday to block release of the photos of terror detainee abuse. They show detainees naked with their hands up in the air. Nobody bought the Bush administration's story that they were putting on a prison production of Oh, Calcutta!

President Obama blocked the prisoner abuse pictures Wednesday after consulting his generals. Wise move. They felt it would inflame Arab opinion against U.S. troops across the Middle East, as opposed to the toga party they throw for us every night now.

The Social Security Administration said Wednesday they mailed stimulus checks last month to ten thousand deceased Americans. The government sent two hundred and fifty dollars to ten thousand dead people. In Chicago, it's known as get out the vote money.

The Kremlin said Monday President Obama will visit Russia in July. They're going to have a long talk about political prisoners. The Russians are refusing to do business with the United States until President Obama releases the auto executives.

Somali pirates retreated to the African shores Monday when the annual monsoons arrived, making the sea too rough for pirate boats to chase tankers. It caused environmentalists to tear their hair out. They can't figure out why the climate is saving the oil industry.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods slipped in the final round at the Player's Championship Sunday for his third straight loss. He's wild and he wants to fix his swing. It looked like Charles Barkley taught Tiger's swing coach more than Tiger's swing coach taught Charles Barkley.

Roger Clemens hired a publicist to battle steroid charges Monday. They have a new angle for public sympathy. Doctors say steroids will shorten your life by thirty years but the players say they are just doing their part to keep Social Security solvent.

Manny Ramirez apologized to L.A. for using female fertility drugs to enhance his performance. It was healing moment. L.A. for its part apologized to Manny for using hair color, Cialis, breast implants and Spandex underwear to enhance our performances.

The New York Yankees were reported Monday to be embarrassed about the empty two-thousand-dollars-per-seat section. It's been a rude awakening. When the Yankees priced those tickets last year they had no idea that everybody in New York who could afford them was running a Ponzi scheme out of a laptop computer in their home office.

Texas was joined by Oklahoma in making state sovereignty claims, fanning secession talk in the South. That explains GM's desire to leave Detroit. Californians only buy imports and soon a Chevy built in Tennessee will be just as imported as if it's made in Tokyo.

President Obama slashed Chrysler's advertising budget in half Tuesday. This is his area of expertise. He told them they don't need a hundred million dollars in advertising if they can just run a few negative ads in Iowa and get Chris Matthews on their side.

Hawaii lawmakers voted Friday to set aside a state holiday for Islam Day. This is not going to work. New York City may have lost the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to Cleveland but they're not about to lose the Museum of the Sneak Attack to Honolulu.

The Pentagon agreed Tuesday to release photos of U.S. personnel torturing terror suspects. What an embarrassment. Not only did they force the prisoners to form a naked pyramid but nine Defense Department officials invested their life savings in it.

The U.S. government will pay two million dollars to teach hookers in China to drink responsibly. Why are U.S. politicians spending money to educate foreign prostitutes? These days safe sex means you don't do a wire transfer where the government can see it.

Jimmy Carter told the U.S. Senate that energy independence is as important today as it was thirty years ago when he was president. He's so right. We were relying on imported cocaine for our energy needs in the Carter era and it's no different today.

President Obama withdrew his support for a single-payer health care system like Britain's Monday. Let's guess what changed his mind. President Obama favored a single-payer health care system until he found out Churchill's country has one, and now he thinks it's colonial.

Correspondents' Dinner emcee Wanda Sykes made the president laugh calling Rush Limbaugh the twentieth hijacker and a strung-out drug addict and calling for his kidneys to fail. Rush refused to comment. Under the rules of political correctness, white males aren't allowed to answer back, they can only continue to own and run everything.

GOP National Chairman Michael Steele brought up Mitt Romney's Mormonism as an example of past party intolerance Tuesday. The candidacy was a liberating experience for every American. It enabled comedians to throw out our rich white guy jokes about Republicans and replace them with polygamy jokes no one's ever heard outside of Utah.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The L.A. Dodgers drew a giant crowd to Dodger Stadium on Mother's Day. They gave away free female fertility drugs to the first ten thousand mothers. As long as they had to clean out Manny Ramirez's locker, it seemed like a shame to throw it away.

President Obama stood at the lectern at the White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday and told funny jokes about himself and his family. The press walked out. They will not tolerate anyone telling jokes about Barack Obama, they think it's racist.

President Obama did stand-up comedy at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner where the president got huge laughs from a room full of reporters. It was like a worship service. At last he found a church he can join with a clear conscience.

Comic Wanda Sykes hosted the Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday. She joked that Rush Limbaugh is a terrorist and a drug user and she hopes his kidneys fail. When the interpreter for the deaf finished translating the punchline he needed medical attention.

The Shuttle Atlantis blasted off Monday at Cape Canaveral. The astronauts were told to disregard the engine warning light that came on after launch. It's not clear at this point if the government took over GM or if GM took over the government.

Hawaii's lawmakers voted Friday to have the Aloha State celebrate the nation's first Islam Day. They said Islam Day will be in recognition of the religion's great impact on America. The impact was great and the fireball was simply spectacular.

Mexico declared an end to the swine flu epidemic on Monday. People had already forgotten about it. When Americans realized that the Taliban rebels were just an hour's drive from Pakistan's nuclear arsenal, suddenly germ warfare seemed manageable.

President Obama met with trade lobbyists for hospitals, doctors, insurance and drug companies Monday. Neither side cares about health. He was dealing with lobbyists and they're dealing with the first president in history who smokes Newports.

Joan Rivers won Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday. The final scene was held in the American Museum of Natural History. She and Donald Trump had a big fight at the fossils exhibition about which one of them was forming a better oil pool.

Dick Cheney told CBS's Face the Nation Sunday he thinks President Obama has made America less safe. Every day he goes on the air. It's only been a hundred days and already Osama bin Laden has posted a twenty-five million dollar reward for Dick Cheney.

National Security Adviser James Jones said Sunday he isn't sure if Osama bin Laden is dead or alive. No one believes him. Everyone knows we have satellites that tell who is alive, who is dead, and how much they bet on Sunday's Boston Celtics game.

Pope Benedict made his first visit to Israel Monday guarded by eighty thousand security officers. He told the Israelis and Palestinians to find a way to get along. Next he's going to settle that Roadrunner-Coyote thing.

The Postal Service raised stamp prices to forty-four cents Monday in response to falling business. They also threatened to end Saturday service if business doesn't pick up. The government just announced that unless everyone buys a GM car, they're going to sell them for a hundred thousand dollars and they'll only have two tires.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail Thursday after he head-butted a fashion designer in New York. Americans love barfights. It reminds us what baseball players were like before steroid use made them too rich to interact with others.

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez admitted he took a banned substance Thursday but was careful to point out he didn't take steroids. That's illegal. If convicted of steroids use, he could get four to eight years as governor of California.

Manny Ramirez admitted Thursday taking a female fertility drug which was put on the banned substance list last year. This gave him a range of explanations. No one believed his first story that he and the Octomom got their prescriptions mixed up.

Manny Ramirez was suspected by endocrinologists to have taken female fertility drugs to restore his testosterone level after cycling off steroids. At least that makes sense. Up until now Manny Ramirez's only maternal instinct was nursing a Corona.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner rolled out a new plan Friday to get tax cheats to pay the money they owe to the government. The penalties for tax cheating are very strict in this country. If you are caught, it could get you a cabinet appointment.

Chicago cop Drew Peterson was arrested for murdering his fourth wife Friday in a case that's all over the tabloids. Statistics don't lie. Two of his four wives have been killed, making marrying Drew Peterson the leading cause of death in Illinois.

President Obama called Paramount studios Thursday and asked for a copy of the new Star Trek movie for the White House screening room. Everybody loves science fiction. The movie is set so far in the future that the electric car is only twenty years away.

President Obama will address the Arab world from Egypt in two weeks. He thinks co-existing with the Muslim world depends on communication. In case he's wrong he will speak from behind bulletproof glass and hire local kids to start his car for him.

The White House announced President Obama will go to Normandy and speak on the sixty-fifth anniversary of the D-Day invasion. He's seen pictures of the landing. He wants to go to France and apologize personally for America littering their beaches.

The Interior Department announced Friday it will re-open the Statue of Liberty's crown, which has been closed since the World Trade Center attack. Things have changed since them. When tourists thought they might be hit by a hijacked airliner they were afraid to go up there, but now that they could be hit by Air Force One, it is an honor.

The White House released photos of Air Force One flying low over New York last week. Cellphone videos showed people running through the streets in panic. The Air Force One flyover project has been renamed the President's Project on Physical Fitness.

Massachusetts began giving out cars to welfare recipients Friday in an attempt to help them get to job interviews. Giving out cars benefits everybody. Riding public transportation only spreads the swine flu, and GM could use the free advertising.

Hollywood porn star Stormy Daniels went on a listening tour of Louisiana Monday as a prelude to her run for the U.S. Senate. She's running in the primary against the GOP incumbent. He offers the voters more experience but she offers more positions.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez was suspended fifty games Thursday when tests caught him taking a female fertilty drug. Don't be too quick to criticize him. It is nice when the people who are trying to have octuplets can afford octuplets.

Santa Barbara had wildfires fanned by gusty desert winds Thursday as thousands evacuated. It's a seasonal thing. Residents evacuated to their homes in Malibu, and by the time they burn down in September, their houses in Santa Barbara will be rebuilt.

Molly the Cow escaped a slaughterhouse in Queens on Wednesday and led New York cops in a long chase down the streets of the city. They were able to knock Molly out by shooting tranquilizer darts into the cow. That's date rape in five Southern states.

Keifer Sutherland faced assault charges and jail time in New York City Thursday after he headbutted a fashion designer. So it's come to this. Barack Obama hasn't been in office four months and already we're losing the War on Terror to a hairdresser.

Brett Favre talked to the Minnesota Vikings on Thursday about playing for them next season. He came out of retirement twice in the last two years to play again. If the stock market doesn't recover soon, younger workers will never get a chance at a job.

President Obama proclaimed a National Day of Prayer Thursday but he didn't have any time to hold any public observances. You can imagine his irritation. He's the first president to have to spend National Prayer Day in his office answering prayers.

President Obama went to a Virginia hamburger stand for lunch Tuesday and he ordered a burger with Dijon mustard. He got puzzled looks. If you ask the average Virginian in a restaurant for Dijon they give you direction to the men's room.

Arnold Schwarzenegger called for legalizing and taxing marijuana in California Wednesday. It's personal with him. Forty years ago he arrived penniless in a rich and prosperous California, and today he's rich and prosperous and the state's penniless.

Sarah Palin was asked to join the GOP's national listening tour across America on Thursday. The party had no choice but to invite her. Mitt Romney could wear a short skirt and a tank top to these rallies, and nobody would pay a nickel to see him.

Colin Powell suggested Monday that Republicans stop listening to Rush Limbaugh because he warps the party. The general is understandably bitter. He was in charge of peace efforts and diplomacy in the Bush administration, and all he got out of it was carpal tunnel syndrome from playing solitaire on his office computer for four years.

House Banking Chairman Barney Frank attempted to get online gambling legalized again Thursday. He's in favor of home loans to people who can't afford them, he's in favor of forcing banks to write off credit card debt, and he favors online gambling. Only the Lord's Prayer has forgiven more people their debts than Barney Frank has.

The White House ordered the banks to come up with seventy-five billion dollars by November. They were very careful about how they broke the news. They sailed up to Citigroup's headquarters in a little boat and began firing small arms into the windows.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Thursday there's no danger of the Taliban getting ahold of Pakistan's nuclear weapons. He didn't say how we'll keep them away from them. That trick we used in Iraq of announcing they don't exist won't work twice.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-10-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama marked National Prayer Day Thursday with a proclamation instead of a White House prayer service. Everyone's different. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked to Jesus, and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on major holidays.

Bernie Madoff's secretary told Fox News Wednesday the Wall Street swindler received sex massages on his lunch hour from women who advertised in escort ads. Everybody was just outraged. Now all the investors he screwed are worried they might have a disease.

Sarah Palin's teen-mom daughter Bristol told a National Teen Pregnancy Awareness Day rally in New York Wednesday that she misses her freedom. She also misses the baby's father. So far she's shot high and to the left every time he's come to the door.

Brett Favre talked to the Minnesota Vikings about coming out of retirement for them Monday. It's the perfect city for him. Brett Favre craves national attention and he knows he can go into the Minneapolis airport men's room any time he needs some.

President Obama took Joe Biden out to lunch Tuesday at a Virginia hamburger restaurant famous for its aged beef. The trip was Joe's idea. The best way to calm the nation about swine flu is to remind them Mad Cow is still out there waiting to strike.

Star Trek premiered in movie theaters nationwide this weekend. The outer space series has always featured a multicultural cast. However, there are no Pakistanis aboard the Starship Enterprise in this movie, probably because it's set in the future.

The White House dealt with the growing crisis in Pakistan Wednesday. Radicals were sighted just sixty miles from the capital city. That's how far their favorite restaurant is from the White House, but they will be back at their desks after lunch.

Pakistan sought U.S. help guarding its nuclear arsenal from an advancing Taliban Wednesday. We face two scenarios. Either President Obama stops the Taliban from seizing Pakistan's nukes or we can all finally stop worrying about retirement planning.

Liberty Sun shipping asked Congress Monday for the right to arm its commercial ships against Somali pirates. It's a dangerous world out there but it's lucrative. Replacing bullet-ridden U.S. flags is the biggest business in China since tennis shoes.

Sen. Arlen Specter was enraged Wednesday when Harry Reid stripped him of his seniority after telling him if he turned Democrat he could keep it. Where's he been? Harry Reid represents the great state of Nevada and the people there won't even deliver the mail unless you tip.

England topped a poll of America's favorite countries on Monday with an eighty percent approval rating, and Canada was second. France jumped twelve points to a fifty-seven percent approval. It just shows if world leaders want American support they either need to speak English or they are going to have to show us nude photos of their wives.

Arnold Schwarzenegger declared it's time for Californians to debate legalizing marijuana. It's long past time. For thirty years we've been teaching kids to love the earth, it was just a matter of time before they breathed in while they were kissing it.

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's marriage broke up Tuesday over his eye for a teenage blonde. The girl's mother was a showgirl who worked for Silvio thirty years ago when he left his first wife for his current wife, a stripper back then. Italy went through a hundred governments in sixty years until they got one that suited them.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's second wife Veronica is demanding a divorce. He's fallen for a teenage lingerie model. For years the Vatican has paid its electric bill by changing all the names in Silvio's confessions and publishing them as romance novels.

Brett Favre was reported Monday to be meeting with the Minnesota Vikings. This is a very bad time to be a cotton farmer in Mississippi. A lot of people think that Barack Obama is going after plantation owners as soon as he finishes with the bankers.

President Obama and Vice President Biden ate lunch together at a burger joint in Virginia Wednesday. Is this smart, considering all the food safety scares? Nancy Pelosi was just ten degrees on a meat thermometer away from being President of the United States.

John Bobbitt tried to make up with his former wife Lorena Bobbitt Thursday. He had his penis re-attached after she chopped it off while he slept. If he could get back together with that, getting back together with his wife should be a piece of cake.

Abe Lincoln was diagnosed by forensic pathologists Monday as dying of cancer at the time he was shot. The DNA on his deathbed pillow could prove it. History books may have to be revised to say that Abe Lincoln actually died of actor-assisted suicide.

Paul Newman's life is the subject of a new biography out Monday. He drank one case of Coors a day and did four hundred sit-ups every day to keep it from showing. There is a belief common among all alcoholics that a flat belly is the key to a strong liver.

New York City marked Cinco de Mayo on Tuesday by introducing the world's first kosher tequila, called Tequila Agave. It's authentic. It's blessed by a rabbi and the Orthodox Union seal is on every label and the worm in the bottle is Bernie Madoff.

Homeland Security recalled a dictionary of potential terrorists it sent out to law enforcement nationwide Wednesday. They placed Christians, Jews and people who hate to pay taxes on the list of suspected terrorists. If they want to arrest the previous administration, why don't they just do it and stop bothering the rest of us?

Britain's Labor government banned radio talk show host Michael Savage from England Wednesday. They also banned Klansmen, neo-Nazis, Jewish extremists, and al-Qaeda. Everybody has congratulated them on assembling a banned tourist list that looks like America.

Sarah Palin joined the GOP national listening tour Tuesday. Her daughter is an unwed teen mom and her sister-in-law just got busted for selling meth. She won't be the first politician to run for national office in order to spend less time with her family.

House Democrats included no money in the military funding bill Tuesday for the transfer of terror detainees from Guantanamo prison, because no states will take them. It's a dangerous time to have Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in California. William Morris is about to fire one hundred agents who will be thirsting for revenge and looking for a leader.

Congress weighed a plan Tuesday to pay Americans four thousand dollars to replace their old cars with new fuel-efficient cars. The lawmakers don't understand the economics of the situation. New cars may be more fuel efficient, but an old Pontiac sleeps four.

The White House proposed Wednesday that the U.S. spend sixty-three billion dollars on medical care for foreigners overseas. That's news. When President Obama campaigned on bringing free health care to the country he neglected to mention that the country was Zimbabwe.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Kentucky Derby was won by longshot Mine that Bird Saturday. The owner drove the horse to Kentucky in a Ford pick-up, which broke down on the road. The mechanic used something to get the pick-up running and it worked so well they tried it on the horse.

President Obama hosted a party for Cinco de Mayo on Monday. This holiday marks Mexico's defeat of the French Army one hundred forty-seven years ago. The French generals caught Flu de Coop while they were in Mexico and they haven't won a war since.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is slated to return this week. What a welcome sight. It's nice to know that if a North Korean missile landed on Washington D.C., there are a few narcissists stashed around the country who could step in and run things.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she accused him of playing around. He's rich, he's powerful and he's in charge of a country full of Catholic school girls. It's not so much a job as it is an Internet video game.

President Obama went after Cayman Islands tax-sheltered companies Monday. He has to reshape the American perception that it's cool to be rich, live in the tropics and pay no taxes. It's been twenty years since a drug lord was the bad guy in a movie.

Cairo police Monday confiscated and slaughtered pigs from Egyptian pig farmers without compensation. The police in Egypt are corrupt but they're not very bright. They were so disappointed when they cut the pigs open and there were no coins inside.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced Thursday he will be stepping down from the high court after two decades on the bench. The announcement caused nationwide interest and a scramble in Washington. It's the first job opening all year.

Hillary Clinton received a seventy-one percent job approval rating Friday. It's obvious why. President Obama had another date night with his wife Friday night and historically Hillary is at her most popular when the president's seeing another woman.

Catalina Island benefited from the swine flu scare in Mexico with twenty-five cruise ships stopping there instead last week. The islanders tried to give them a flavor of Mexico. They hired Mariachi bands to fire guns and cough into the crowds.

Mexican officials said Monday that swine flu is under control and that life in Mexico will soon return to normal. They never proved that the people who died in Mexico actually died from swine flu. It could have been the order to drink plenty of water.

Chinese bureaucrats in Hubei province were ordered Monday to smoke four packs of cigarettes every day to help boost the local tobacco economy. How backwards. Nobody in America's had to do that to keep his job since Jack Benny was sponsored by Lucky Strikes.

Jeb Bush headlined the National Council for a New America event in Virginia on Sunday. It could be that the sudden emergence of the next Bush shows that Americans are nostalgic for the dynastic presidency. Meritocracy just rattles the stock market.

Chrysler bondholders blocked the sale of the auto company in bankruptcy court Monday. The bondholders' lawyer said the deal is unconstitutional and puts social goals ahead of United States bankruptcy law. The proceeding could be delayed indefinitely while the Obama administration tries to decide if it can argue with that.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Mine that Bird won the Kentucky Derby in an upset Saturday. The owners had him gelded last year, so there'll be no stud fees. President Obama wants to jail the owners for the taxes they're not going to pay on the money they aren't going to make.

John Edwards was investigated Monday for the hundred grand his campaign paid to his mistress. He cheated on his wife as she battled cancer while campaigning for him. He's so low he was recruited to be a trial lawyer while still in kindergarten.

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez returns to play this week as a new book comes out saying he took steroids, chased hookers and strippers and tipped pitches to opposing batters. He's in a lot of trouble. Every time an umpire calls him safe, he just laughs.

Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi demanded his wife apologize after she denounced him for chasing after young women. It proves there is a God. For one hundred days comedians have been praying for a funny national leader to reveal himself.

President Obama went after companies Monday which locate in the Cayman Islands where they pay no taxes. He can't stop himself. He's been very bored by the mundane tasks of the presidency and the only thing that has given him any thrill is killing pirates.

Jeb Bush spoke for the National Council for a New America at a pizza parlor in Virginia on Saturday. He said the GOP must have a big-tent philosophy. With much of the nation living in tents, where else would Republicans be living except in the big ones?

Tampa Bay Ray Carl Crawford tied the Major League record with six stolen bases in a game Sunday. It was a wasted effort. A lot of baserunners are showcasing their stealing ability for the investment banks, forgetting they now have a salary cap.

President Obama spent Monday on the phone with U.S. Senators discussing possible Supreme Court nominees to replace Justice Souter. He said he's looking for someone with empathy. He has given up on looking for nominees who are paid up on their taxes.

George W. Bush was reported Monday to have raised a hundred million dollars for his presidential library at Southern Methodist University. Silence will not be tolerated inside. It's the only library in the world that tortures you unless you talk.

The White House reversed Joe Biden's warning not to fly or take the subway to avoid swine flu. They said he meant to say sick people shouldn't travel. When Joe Biden tells you that the sky is falling, Warren Buffett invests all his money in sky.

The Centers for Disease Control admitted Sunday that the swine flu was no more deadly than regular flu. It turns out the threat to America didn't really exist. We're just lucky that we found out before we invaded Mexico and toppled the government.

Congress expressed no support Monday for President Obama's proposed legislation to close all corporate tax loopholes. The opposition by lawmakers didn't surprise anybody. Authors just hate it when somebody comes in and tries to re-write their work.

The White House was accused by the lawyer representing Chrysler bondholders of threatening bondholders with public ruin if they didn't agree to the president's deal to keep Chrysler out of bankruptcy. How scary. This Passover if you didn't have lamb's blood on your door, the Angel Obama came by and seized your senior secured debt.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Congress had hearings Thursday about the Bowl Championship Series that selects college football's national champion. Everyone admits that the current system has a few flaws. According to the BCS computer, Chrysler is the world's leading automaker.

Workaholics Anonymous was reported Friday to be the most popular new recovery program in America. They use a toll-free hotline. When you get the urge to put in an eight-hour day you call them up and they send two government workers to talk to you.

Jeb Bush hosted a town hall Saturday in a Virginia pizza parlor as Republicans tried to connect with regular Americans. That explains the pizza. Pollsters told them that to connect with regular Americans they'll each have to gain forty pounds.

Mexico protested Sunday when China quarantined Mexican tourists inside a Hong Kong hotel where one had the flu. There have been no other cases there. Epidemiologists called it an example of what can be done when you don't have to worry about the Hispanic vote.

Joe Biden took the train home to Delaware Friday a day after he warned America not to take trains to avoid swine flu. It's cut crime. New York transit police didn't arrest anyone all day because even subway flashers were wearing surgical masks.

Paris Hilton was asked by TV reporters on Sunset Boulevard Thursday if she was worried about swine flu. She shook her head and said she doesn't eat that. She's just contributng to the misconception that you can catch swine flu through casual sex.

Scotland Yard arrested a British businessman and an American businesswoman for having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle late Friday night. It was an egregious violation of protocol. You're not allowed to have sex in white shoes for another month.

NATO gunboats captured Somali pirates off the coast of Africa Saturday shortly after a Portuguese boat captured a dozen pirates. They had to let them all go. The Outdoor Living Network will cancel the show unless they release everything they catch.

New York's legislature fast-tracked a bill Friday that will impose a five-cent tax on all plastic bags given to New Yorkers with each sale. They know people will pay it. If you try to bring home the cocaine barehanded the perspiration will melt it.

Congress passed a bill called the Cardholders Bill of Rights on Thursday. It's overwhelmingly popular. The bill aims to shield consumers from what Democrats call predatory interest rates and what the U.S. Constitution calls the contract they signed.

President Obama alarmed Wall Street Thursday by threatening hedge fund managers with press ridicule if they didn't toe his line on the Chrysler bailout. He wanted bondholders to take less than they would likely get in bankruptcy and they said no to him. Barack Obama was so angry that the South got twelve inches of rain the next day.

The White House began vetting possible Supreme Court nominees Friday. They say they are confident they can find a justice by October, but that may be optimistic. It took them three months to find a hypoallergenic dog that was paid up on its taxes.

President Obama told reporters Saturday he will consider Supreme Court nominees as much for their empathy as for their legal experience. He wants to choose a woman of color who has empathy for real people and experience as a judge. The question now is, how's he going to get Paula Adbul through the U.S. Senate confirmation process?

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The White House said Friday a staffer got the swine flu while he was in Mexico with the president two weeks ago. He brought the flu germs aboard Air Force One. Now all of lower Manhattan has it and the Statue of Liberty is looking a little green.

Mexico's health officials insisted Friday they're getting the swine flu epidemic under control. It's not the first time Mexico has had an outbreak of disease. People are just now figuring out that Zorro lived to be ninety because he always wore a mask.

Florida farmers began plowing under this year's tomato harvest due to the lower demand at the market. The tomato has three vital functions. It's a fruit, it's a vegetable, and it's a reminder to comedians that our option comes up after every joke.

A Florida attorney lost his license Tuesday for arranging for an eighteen-year-old girl to work off her legal bill in bed. Every time she had sex with him he took two hundred dollars off her legal bill. He has been disbarred for double billing.

Alex Rodriguez was accused Thursday of tipping off pals on opposing teams to the pitch that was coming. He's now had three cheating accusations in three months. Everybody figured he would break Henry Aaron's record but nobody ever thought he'd break Bill Clinton's.

Nevada's Moonlite BunnyRanch brothel offered Rod Blagojevich an HBO reality show in which he'd supervise the hookers while they tried to tempt him. Imagine his dismay. The whole idea of beginning a new life was to get away from Illinois politics.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. It will run movies from three different wars. At the top of every segment they will cut back to Senator McCain and he'll explain why we still have to have troops in that country.

May Day brought out Hispanic marchers in Los Angeles Friday for illegal alien rights. They demanded the full rights of American citizenship. They want Social Security and voting rights, thirty percent of Chrysler and sixty percent of Citigroup.

Michelle Obama wore five-hundred-dollar sneakers to a food bank after she had worn a five-hundred-dollar blouse to plant a tree. They are both made by Lanvin. She's being criticized for buying French instead of buying Chinese like the rest of us.

Barack Obama attends a fundraiser in Beverly Hills next week. Seats are twenty-five hundred and dinner with him is forty thousand. The New York Yankees just asked him to name his price to stand in the on-deck circle until all the season tickets are sold.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter said Friday he will retire from the Court in June. He's a lifelong bachelor who spent his life living alone in a cabin in the woods in New Hampshire. He only accepted a job on the Supreme Court because he was tired of being interrogated every time the cops were looking for a serial killer.

President Obama announced the Supreme Court's vacancy Friday. He made clear what he's looking for in the new justice. The search is on for a disabled bilingual woman of color with paid-up taxes who baby-sits her own children and mows her own lawn.

President Obama declared Friday he will consider a Supreme Court nominee's life experience as much as the nominee's judicial experience. He won't have a litmus test except for one thing. Nobody gets nominated unless they favor college football playoffs.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-3-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Joe Biden told Americans Thursday to avoid air travel to keep from contracting the swine flu. He was typically off-message. It's not the administration's mission to destroy the airline industry, this month's mission is to destroy the auto industry.

Fort Worth closed schools for a week Tuesday and ordered janitors to disinfect every classroom when swine flu arrived from Mexico. Is this a good idea? In order to get the job done in time they will have to bring in janitors illegally from Mexico.

Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled Texas high school sporting events Thursday over swine flu. He couldn't get away with this during high school football season. The Constitution forbids the government from preventing the free exercise of religion.

President Obama claimed Wednesday the British didn't torture or inflict pain on German prisoners during World War II. That may be technically true. Captured Nazi spies were shot if they didn't agree to be double agents, but it only hurt for a second.

Captain Richard Phillips urged Congress Thursday to arm U.S. merchant ships that sail past Africa's coast. What a tale. He was taken hostage by Somali pirates before the U.S. Navy Seals snipers showed up and now there are three holes in his story.

Segway's inventor revealed plans to make a hybrid electric car powered by an engine which uses cow manure for fuel, and then use that engine to light Third World homes. Imagine generators that run on manure. Every time President Obama says he doesn't want to run private industry a third of the planet could be electrocuted by the power surge.

Kenya was faced with a sex strike called by Kenya's women Wednesday to protest public policy. It certainly got the men's attention. You're allowed four wives in Kenya but if they all belong to the same union you're in the same position as Chrysler.

Chrysler filed for bankruptcy Thursday after bondholders refused to forgive all the debt they're owed. The restructured company will be jointly owned by Fiat and the United Auto Workers. Fiat is an acronym that stands for Fix It Again Taxpayers.

President Obama slammed hedge fund managers Thursday for demanding what's owed them by Chrysler and refusing to accept less. Wall Street hedge fund managers are prolific by nature. So far this year they've turned out sixty thousand license plates.

Homeland Security urged calm Thursday in the face of the swine flu epidemic. Humans get swine flu from pigs, Mad Cow from cattle, AIDS from monkeys and avian flu from birds. By next year Miss USA contestants will be asked if they support same-species marriage.

GOP leaders formed the National Council for a New America Thursday to reinvigorate the GOP. The press release shows John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Jeb Bush on the masthead. At party headquarters they're known as the GOP Past, the GOP Future. and the Never Again.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin appeared on a televised show glorifying motorcycle chicks. It's called American Chopper. It's believed to be the first TV show that ever promoted an American politician because her sister-in-law was busted for cooking meth.

Twentieth Century Fox announced Thursday it will re-unite Michael Douglas with director Oliver Stone for a sequel to Wall Street which is set twenty years later. It's going to be a short film. All the Wall Street firms in the original movie have converted to commercial banks or gone out of business, and Charlie Sheen's sober.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 5-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosted a White House press conference Wednesday to discuss his progress as president. After a hundred days the U.S. government owns General Motors, six banks, and Chrysler. This is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him.

The World Health Organization warned Wednesday the threat of a swine flu pandemic is imminent. In Washington, the health secretary said everyone should cover their mouths. We don't know if this will end swine flu but history shows it would have prevented impeachment.

President Obama's budget was passed by the Democrats in Congress Wednesday. It puts the country four trillion dollars in debt. It's hard to believe Nancy Reagan was nearly run out of the White House twenty-five years ago just for borrowing dresses.

The White House launched a review of Air Force One's low flight over Manhattan for a publicity photo Monday that panicked New Yorkers. It showed no horse sense. Horse sense is the thing that a horse possesses which keeps it from betting on people.

The New York Yankees slashed the price of their twenty-five hundred dollar box seats. Nobody wanted to be seen sitting in such splendor. The only faster way to be dragged in front of Barney Frank is to be named People magazine's Sexist Man Alive.

The Kentucky Derby field Saturday will include a filly owned by Dubai's Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid. She's well-trained. The jockey is under instruction not go to the whip unless the filly is seen in public with a stallion that's not a family member.

The Supreme Court debated overturning part of the Voting Rights Act Tuesday. Opponents warn that just because a black man is president doesn't mean America is any less racist. They showed photos of a dog barking ferociously at a black man, and it was Bo.

French first lady Carla Bruni's former lover's apartment was hit Tuesday by thieves who stole old sexually intimate videos of her. She should have known she couldn't keep those videos private forever. Under socialism you must share everything.

Miss California Pageant officials admitted Thursday that they paid for breast implants for Miss California Carrie Prejean to help her win the Miss USA pageant. Their little plan backfired. Just her luck, she got a gay judge who only looked at her shoes.

Brett Favre's agent announced Wednesday he is still retired, after the New York Jets released his contract. No one doubts it. Brett Favre is still retired, he only has an agent to negotiate a better cotton subsidy from the Agriculture Department.

Texas Governor Rick Perry canceled all high school sporting events Tuesday to slow swine flu. That's a timid response for him. His first instinct was to stand in front of a crowd of cheering Texans and threaten to secede from the animal kingdom.

Senator Arlen Specter turned Democrat Tuesday, giving Democrats power to do all they want. That's a dangerous power for overspenders. If history proves anything it is that there's only one thing worse for an addict than bad luck, and that's good luck.

Elizabeth Edwards's book tells how she felt when the National Enquirer followed her husband John Edwards to the Beverly Hilton to meet his mistress and love child. She learned the same lesson that Hillary Clinton and Princess Diana learned. The best thing about having a famous husband is that it saves you a lot of money on detectives.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio