Argus Hamilton's column for 4-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Warren Buffett holds his annual shareholders meeting in Omaha this weekend for his Berkshire Hathaway company. He's rapidly regaining all the money he lost last year. Two weeks before the swine flu outbreak he invested in Get Well cards.

The New York Yankees cut in half the price of those twenty-five hundred dollar seats Tuesday. Nobody sat in them during the first homestand. The Yankees are playing so badly the seats are only worth twenty-five hundred dollars if they face the other way.

New Yorkers panicked seeing Air Force One flying low over New York skyscrapers Monday. They thought the plane had been hijacked. From now on, all presidents will have to take off their shoes and go through security before they can get on the plane.

President Obama was furious Monday when told Air Force One buzzed New York for a publicity photograph. Imagine his anger at the publicity department. How many times does he have to tell them that he's the star of this show and not some airplane?

The White House Military Office said Monday they flew Air Force One over New York to get a picture of the plane directly over the Statue of Liberty. Now it makes sense. It was easier to start a panic in New York, spend three hundred thousand dollars of taxpayer money, and then apologize than it was to learn Photoshop.

Arlen Specter changed to the Democratic party after thirty years as a GOP senator. He spent a long Sunday with his conscience and his spiritual advisor. All the lawmakers go to St. John's Episcopal ever since the church hired a pollster to be the new rector.

Michael Vick was offered a contract by the Arena Football League next month when he leaves prison. He won't need the job. Michael Vick could become a national hero by arranging swine fights until the pig population's no longer a threat to public health.

Israel's Health Minister asked news organizations Monday to refer to swine flu as Mexican Flu. He said its name is offensive to Muslims and Jews. Mexico could be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for finding the one thing Muslims and Jews can agree on.

Wall Street reacted predictably to the swine flu scare Tuesday. Airline stocks fell but pharmaceuticals rebounded. They had been very depressed on reports that President Obama was going to heal the sick, but when he didn't the drug stocks rallied.

Homeland Security debated Monday whether to halt all travel to and from Mexico to stop swine flu. The border shootouts are more dangerous than ever. If they are not sneezing from the coke they are coughing from the flu and nobody can hit anything.

Los Angeles protesters called for the U.S. Navy to cease naval exercises off the coast of California Monday. It causes problems. Last year a sperm whale attacked a submarine near Catalina, and now every time it fires a torpedo he passes out cigars.

General Motors announced Monday it's taking major steps to become a leaner car company and is killing the Pontiac. It's not the car it once was. Pontiac used to make the fastest cars in America and two weeks ago it finished third in the Boston Marathon.

The U.S. Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday a lawsuit by five former terror suspects of the CIA can go forward. They say they were kidnapped, beaten, cut with scalpels and shocked. The Thanksgiving table at the Cheney house is not for the faint of heart.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama got ahead of his script at the National Academy of Sciences on Monday and ordered his Teleprompter to speed up. The Teleprompter did not speed up as commanded but the water parted in his glass. It's the first symptom of swine flu.

Mexico City's soccer stadium was empty by national order during Sunday's match due to swine flu. It's all the news. There were two thousand cases in Mexico and seventy cases in California, which means that the border fence is working pretty good.

President Obama met with an archaeologist in Mexico two weeks ago who's since died of swine flu. He was fully exposed. It allows us to hope that President Obama did not shake hands with Hugo Chavez in a gesture of solidarity, he was trying to kill him.

Mexico's swine flu epidemic resulted Monday in the entire country having to go to work wearing blue masks over their faces for protection. This is causing problems at the border. People are having to snort cocaine through their ears.

Congress returned to work Monday amid a national scare over swine flu. It took awhile to get everybody settled down. There was panic inside the Budget Committee until health officials explained to the lawmakers that they cannot catch it from pork.

The European Union reacted to the swine flu scare Monday by warning Europeans not to travel to the United States on vacation this year. That won't stop them all. A certain percentage of people will always want to be photographed naked at an airport.

Dr. Keiji Fukuda of the World Health Organization issued safety tips Tuesday listing several ways you can avoid catching swine flu. You can catch it on a bus or the train, but not in your own car. Californians deserve credit for being right all along.

President Obama went on the air Monday to calm any spreading panic about swine flu. The last outbreak of swine flu occurred back in the late Seventies. Forty million people received vaccination shots, the rest are still looking for a good vein.

Air Force One buzzed over lower Manhattan followed by F-16 fighter jets Monday for an unannounced photo shoot which terrified people on the streets. It looked like the president was attacking New York personally. According to security experts, the next logical step after seizing the banks is flying a plane into their headquarters.

Fox Network turned down President Obama's request for air time tonight for his White House press conference. Instead the network will air the drama, Lie to Me. Anybody who can tell the difference wins two free tickets to the American Idol finale.

Iowa's historic same-sex marriage law went into effect on Monday. No one should be surprised that Iowa has gay people. It was only a matter of time after the Music Man came to River City before choreography took its inevitable toll on the farm population.

Rudy Giuliani denounced the idea of gay marriage Friday when New York's Senate took up a same-sex marriage bill. He speaks from experience. As a federal prosecutor Rudy Giuliani broke up the Five Families, and then as a husband he broke up three more.

The Taliban advanced in Pakistan Tuesday as the U.S. and Britain weighed military options. It's a zero-sum game. If we win, they'll have to let women commit adultery on television shows, and if they win, they'll only be allowed to commit it under blankets.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Captain Richard Phillips was honored in Vermont Saturday after his rescue from pirates. He's back in America just in time for ten percent unemployment and swine flu. When he volunteered to be a hostage in Somalia he was following his survival instinct.

Mexico City citizens donned surgical masks to try to ward off swine flu Friday as cases of the deadly strain surfaced in Texas and California. Homeland Security's on the job. Janet Napolitano just announced it entered the United States from Canada.

President Obama asked TV networks for free air time Wednesday night for his press conference. It's costly for networks to give him prime time during a rating sweeps period. He's willing to meet the networks halfway and answer all questions barechested.

The Detroit Lions signed Georgia's Matthew Stafford to a seventy-eight million dollar deal for six years. The contract is not guaranteed for the top pick in the draft. Nobody can be absolutely sure there will still be a Detroit six years from now.

The NFL held its annual college draft Saturday in Radio City Music Hall. There is a reason they put all the players in the home of the Rockettes. Nobody wants to draft a player until they know how he'll act in a room full of half-naked dancers.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino was targeted by the wife of an assistant Saturday in a ten million dollar extortion scheme. She threatened to sink his career if he didn't pay ransom. She's been arrested by the FBI and knighted by the King of Somalia.

Variety reported Saturday that the William Morris Agency of Beverly Hills will merge with Endeavor and combine their roster of entertainment clients. Business is booming at the agencies. They get ten percent of all their clients' unemployment checks.

Hillary Clinton paid a surprise visit to Baghdad Saturday. Her arrival set off alarms in the presidential palace. Everybody knows that whenever Hillary Clinton walks into a president's office unannounced, the regime could fall along with his pants.

The FDA obeyed a court order Wednesday to let seventeen-year-old girls get the morning-after birth control pill. The label's specific. The pill can only be taken by women because, generally speaking, men are nowhere to be found on the morning after.

The White House was locked down Friday after a Cessna flew into restricted air space. The pilot faces serious fines. As soon as the Democrats took office they restricted the air space over Washington to protect the birds from being struck by planes.

Al Gore testified before Congress on Earth Day Wednesday about the need to save the planet from global warming. Democrats don't have a monopoly on love for the planet. Every Earth Day the Republicans used recycled water on the terror suspects at Guantanamo.

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack on the Los Angeles Library Building several years ago. They continued to waterboard him because they didn't think he was telling them the truth. It was two months before they would believe there was a library in Los Angeles.

Former CIA director Porter Goss blasted Barack Obama Friday for releasing Bush administration torture memos. It was awful. It's all well and good to look forward and not back, but what President Bush did to the English language must be prosecuted.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Mexico was forced to shut down schools Friday due to a new strain of Swine Flu which broke out just south of the U.S.-Mexico border. Biomedical researchers are busy working on the vaccine. All we know so far is that it doesn't respond to cocaine.

The U.S. Capitol was locked down Friday after a small plane flew into restricted air space. The pilot was identified as William Wales. Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano summoned reporters and said that the terrorist came from Buckingham Palace.

The London Times revealed Friday that Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Elton John lost twenty percent of their net worth last year. They didn't make one cent in endorsement fees. Wilfred Brimley beat them out for every commercial they read for.

The Bronx Zoo in New York revealed plans Friday to close its World of Darkness exhibit and lay off its night monkeys. That's a shame. If you see night monkeys anywhere but at a zoo, somebody might have put the wrong mushroom in your omelette.

President Obama drew fire for listening politely to an anti-American tirade by the president of Nicaragua. There was a translation problem. He listened in rapt attention because his foreign policy team described him as the president of Nicorette.

House Democrats said Friday they may open a probe of the Bush administration on torture methods. It's out of control. No one wants to see George W. Bush tell the committee he was just following orders from Dick Cheney and then hold up a water-stained shirt as proof.

Dick Cheney faced possible investigation by Democrats for torture Friday. They will never get him to confess anything. Dick Cheney was once oil-boarded by Saddam Hussein and never gave him anything more than his name, rank and directions to Kuwait.

President Obama left the door open for prosecution of the Bush administration last week. He nixed the idea of appointing a Truth Commission in Washington. They would work with the same sense of duty as an Everybody's Actual Age Commission in Hollywood.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went before cameras Thursday and denied ever being briefed in secret about CIA torture methods six years ago. It looks like we'll never know. Thanks to Botox you can't tell if she's lying, laughing or just lost a relative.

The Pentagon revealed Tuesday that waterboarding an al-Qaeda suspect prevented a terrorist attack in Los Angeles. The attack made no sense. You would think that people who want to destroy America would spare Hollywood out of professional courtesy.

Al Gore pushed his carbon tax on industry in Congress Friday. He said the fate of the planet is in Congress's hands. Until the planet starts putting some campaign contributions in those hands, the Earth's phone calls will continue to go unreturned.

The White House agreed Friday to obey a judge's order to release pictures of prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. They show naked prisoners in a pyramid formation. Only Bernie Madoff's pyramid resulted in more people losing their shirts.

Barack Obama chided credit card company CEOs Thursday. He wants to personally control credit card lending, he wants to personally control student lending, and he wants to personally control banks. It's hard to remember that Democrats thought it was an abuse of power when President Nixon wrote up one play for the Washington Redskins.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-26-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

South Carolina was declared a disaster area Friday after brushfires threatened seaside hotels while forests and farms burned to the ground. Thousands fled as the flames headed toward Charleston. Electing another Abe Lincoln may have been a mistake.

Jay Leno canceled his Tonight Show Thursday after he checked himself into the hospital with food poisoning. He's fine now but he's learned his lesson. This is the last time he ever tells the waitress he'll just have what the polo pony is having.

Mullock's Art Auctioneers in London sold fifteen sketches and paintings by Adolf Hitler for a fortune Thursday. The word spread. Mel Gibson just made a mental note to draw doodles during his divorce trial and leave them lying around for posterity.

The Detroit Lions appeared ready to draft Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford number one Saturday. Detroit will give a kid millions as they shut down fifteen auto plants. If he hires someone to mow his lawn he'll be the biggest employer in Michigan.

New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan defined marriage Wednesday as a sacred union between one man and one woman for life. He didn't have to say that. If he wanted to lose the Miss USA Pageant, the swimsuit competition would've been enough to finish him.

Miss California did all the cable talk shows after she was denied the Miss USA title by a gay judge for saying she opposes gay marriage. This will be studied in biology classes for years. It's a textbook example of how a Fox News anchor is born.

Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse was jailed in New York Tuesday on charges of piracy on the high seas. They will never convict the kid. His jury consultant will have no trouble rounding up twelve people who download songs and movies illegally.

President Obama addressed an Earth Day rally in Iowa on Wednesday. He flew Air Force One to Iowa, then helicoptered to a town amid decoy helicopters, then rode in his armor-plated limo to the rally. He said Americans needs to use our energy more wisely.

President Obama met with credit card executives Thursday to jaw about interest rates. He said he's determined to get a credit card law that gets rid of all the fine print. Everybody who turns forty-seven suddenly thinks the print's too small.

Dick Cheney demanded the release of CIA files showing that waterboarding prevented a terror attack on the Los Angeles Public Library. The terrorists meant well. This is the one building in America you can blow up knowing that nobody's inside.

The CIA released memos Thursday showing they briefed Congress six years ago on torture methods. So if Cheney goes to jail, Pelosi goes with him. It only took the Democrats a hundred days to take us back to the days of mutual assured destruction.

Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano said wrongly that the World Trade Center terrorists came into the U.S. through Canada. Then she said Canadians allow different people into their country than we do and that Mexican illegal immigrants aren't breaking U.S. law. She left three messes in one day for the president to clean up, tying Bo's record.

Hillary Clinton advised Afghans Thursday to grow pomegranate trees to replace their heroin crops. Actually, they should grow pomegranate trees to protect their heroin crops. Democrats would never aerial-spray the poppy fields as long as they were holding pomegranate trees hostage, not even the Navy Seals have that good an aim.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Producers opens in Germany for the first time in May complete with its hit number, Springtime for Hitler. Bad idea. Showing The Producers in Germany is like showing Boogie Nights at the Betty Ford Center, it is still too soon to joke about it.

General Motors announced Wednesday it will shut down its U.S. factories for nine weeks this summer. The handwriting is on the wall. If the Detroit Lions have any sense at all they'll use their first draft pick tomorrow to select the Los Angeles Coliseum.

President Obama appeared barechested in shorts on the Washingtonian magazine's cover Monday. The Founding Fathers wore satin pants, silk stockings and high-heel shoes. It just proves that all historical figures look a little gay in their pictures.

Great Britain raised its income tax rate Wednesday to fifty percent on all income over one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. You can see what's coming. Pretty soon all the ballots for elections in Beverly Hills will have to be printed in English.

Phil Mickelson committed Tuesday to play in the Quail Hollow Club Championship in Charlotte next week. That guarantees a big crowd. Phil Mickelson's nickname around the PGA is Lefty, which is also what they call first-time shoplifters in Saudi Arabia.

Captured Somali pirate Abduwali Muse appeared in a Manhattan federal court Tuesday where he was arraigned on charges of piracy. The five-foot-two and ninety pound African teenager broke down crying in court. He doesn't want to be adopted by Madonna.

Somali pirate Abduwali Muse was charged with piracy in Manhattan Tuesday. It carries a life sentence. It would give him three meals a day and a bed for the rest of his life, putting him on the Forbes list of the four hundred richest Somalis.

Manhattan's federal court heard details of the Somali pirate lifestyle Tuesday. They ransom ships, get the ransom cash parachuted to them, then take the millions back to Pirate Town where they snort coke, party with strippers and drink Cognac until dawn. This is anthropological proof that it's human nature to want to live in the late Seventies.

The Montreal Canadiens asked their fans Tuesday to stop booing the U.S. national anthem at home games. They're angry that Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano wrongly said the World Trade Center attackers came from Canada. The Obama Doctrine states that the U.S., Britain, Canada, Australia and New Zealand form the Axis of Guilt.

President Obama gave a speech in Iowa for Earth Day Wednesday. We can all help save the planet. Earth Day is a day when Democrats call for new sources of energy to replace fossil fuels and Republicans make an extra effort to replace their divots.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced Tuesday he will run for governor of California in the Democratic primary. A couple of years ago he checked into rehab after his affair with a Fox News reporter was exposed. After twenty-eight days in rehab he was able to switch to CNN reporters and he hasn't fallen off the wagon since.

Hillary Clinton slammed Pakistan's regime in congressional testimony Wednesday for retreating to the Taliban. She warned against giving up territory in exchange for peace. She said it's a deal with the devil, and if you've made one you can spot one.

President Obama opened the door Tuesday to prosecuting the Bush administration for the torture of terror suspects. This would be hard to stop once it started. If Dick Cheney wants to appear on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, he had better hurry.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush announced plans Monday to perform on the dinner circuit together. The phone's ringing off the hook. After just one hundred days of hope and change, Americans are already nostalgic for the days of adultery and torture.

NASCAR fans plan to hold the world's largest chicken dance Sunday at Talladega Superspeedway. A hundred thousand people will flap their arms and walk like chickens as the music plays. You knew when Bristol Palin finally got married there'd be a huge celebration.

Captain Richard Phillips got offers from Hollywood studios for the film rights to his heroic story Tuesday. How much he gets depends on his past. If he's led an upright life he could get millions, but if he has skeletons in his closet the sky's the limit.

Somali pirate chief Abduhl Wali-i-Musi was arraigned in Manhattan Tuesday following his capture at sea last week. He's locked up in the same jail as Bernie Madoff. It just shows that the only difference between civilization and Somalia is a salad fork.

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff failed to protect his assets with a bankruptcy motion Monday. His lawyer is trying to get all charges dropped. He's arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren't any rich people any more.

Woody Allen was confronted in court with past sex scandals Monday when he sued a clothing line for sliming him. Never become famous. When most people heard that Madonna got hurt riding a horse Sunday they thought she'd hit a new low in boyfriends.

Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano drew an international protest from Ottawa Monday by saying the World Trade Center bombers came from Canada. Of course that's not true. Covering up for Saudi Arabia is an American tradition as old as the Model-T.

Hugo Chavez said Sunday socialism is reaching the U.S. due to Barack Obama. It's just crazy. Republicans have been hoping for a great comedian to represent their side ever since Bob Hope died but no one imagined he wouldn't be able to speak English.

President Obama returned from his tour of Latin America Saturday. He's nothing if not original. For many years U.S. presidents have tried to think of the best way of dealing with North Korea, Iran and Cuba, but no one ever thought of aligning with them.

President Obama opened the door Tuesday to prosecuting the Bush administration for torturing al-Qaeda prisoners. It's an idea he picked up at the Summit of the Americas. We're not a banana republic until the previous administration is imprisoned.

Bill Clinton joined President Obama in a drive to promote volunteerism Tuesday by planting trees in a Washington park. It's instinctive. Democrats spend their entire lives making it as tough as possible for Republicans to get a clear shot at the green.

Dick Cheney defended the use of harsh interrogation techniques on captured al-Qaeda fighters Tuesday. He's the official most likely to face trial for it. Nobody is going to believe that anything besides the T-ball league was President Bush's idea.

Dick Cheney formally asked the CIA Tuesday to release memos revealing how much good intel was gleaned from terror suspects being tortured. It provided a valuable tip to interrogators four years ago. After being waterboarded a hundred and eighty-three times, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed finally told them to sell their bank stocks and buy Exxon Mobil.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Palm Beach Polo Club lost twenty-one thoroughbred ponies to an undiagnosed illness Sunday. They dropped dead just before a match. It's more evidence that the Obama agenda doesn't just apply to the rich, it also covers the horse they rode in on.

Miss California lost the Miss USA Pageant Sunday after a gay judge didn't like her opposition to same-sex marriage. It sparked debate. When it comes to this issue, thoughtful Americans can disagree, but what does that have to do with Miss California?

Los Angeles had one-hundred-degree heat Monday as Santa Ana winds arrived from the Imperial Desert two months early. It's baking. The ideal fire conditions got here early in case the Lakers don't make it out of the first round of the NBA playoffs.

Susan Boyle became a superstar singing on Britain's Got Talent. She showed the world if you have talent, decency and values, then looks aren't important. The next day Beverly Hills plastic surgeons were offering talent, decency, and values implants.

The FDA learned Monday there are two hundred sixty tons of pharmaceutical drugs dumped in America's drinking water every year. No one was surprised. You knew we had a problem when terror suspects emerged from waterboarding asking for another toke.

The White House released old memos authorizing terrorists to be tortured with garden insects. It worked. The worst part is we didn't have to invade Afghanistan and Iraq, it turns out we could have defeated al-Qaeda with a really scary Terminix commercial.

Somali pirate chief Abduhl Wal-i-Musi was flown to New York in custody Monday after the Navy captured him. It's not just a legal problem. It's very embarrassing for our first African-American president to be bringing Africans to America in chains.

The White House released photos of the First Family's new dog Bo frolicking on the South Lawn Friday. It's easy for him to get outside. Ten years ago Hillary Clinton had a doggie door installed in the White House kitchen so Bill could come and go at night.

Iran's president called Israel a racist regime at a U.N. Racism Conference Monday in Geneva. The anti-Semites are on a roll this week. Iran denounced Israel, Monday was Hitler's birthday, and the word's out that Mel Gibson is about to be single again.

Hugo Chavez gave Barack Obama a book in Spanish that he can't read at the Summit of the Americas, right after Barack Obama gave Gordon Brown movie DVDs that don't work in British DVD players. It's a diplomatic incident per week. Ever since the department stores laid off their personal shoppers, world leaders have had to fend for themselves.

President Obama said Saturday the U.S. was about to change its relationship with Cuba. He has his reasons. Conservatives have been complaining that Barack Obama is a Manchurian candidate, but it turns out he's a secret scout for the Chicago White Sox.

China exported condoms Monday that show pictures on the condom packets of Stalin, Hitler and Mao's faces on the heads of sperm. It's a message in every language. The greatest threats to freedom in world history are Stalin, Hitler, Mao and pregnancy.

The Minnesota Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear an appeal from Norm Coleman of a lower court ruling that Al Franken won the U.S. Senate election, unresolved since last November. The court has no choice but to hear the appeal. The warning says if you experience an election lasting more than four months, see a doctor immediately.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama posed with all the Latin American leaders at the Summit of the Americas. It's all because Texas threatened to secede. This wasn't just a summit, it was an audition for a new reality show called Who Wants to be the New Fiftieth Star?

Governor Rick Perry told a tea party in Texas Wednesday that Texas can legally secede from the United States. Picture the possibilities. The people in the Cayman Islands would finally have a place to send their money so they can avoid paying taxes.

Hulk Hogan caused outrage Thursday by saying his divorce left him so bitter he totally gets why O.J. flipped out. The man's a professional wrestler. It would look like he was killing his wife and the waiter, but it would all be fake for the cameras.

The Dutch Navy captured more Somali pirates Saturday. They collect millions in ransoms, then spend every dime of it on women, drugs and alcohol. Last week there were so many sailors volunteering to be their hostage that Captain Phillips had to pull rank.

Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates. He was overjoyed. He thanked God six times, which was enough to put the returning sailor on the Homeland Security watch list for suspected right-wing extremists.

Somali pirate Abduhl Wal-i-Musi was shipped to New York after being captured at sea by the U.S. Navy last week. He'll be tried for assault and kidnapping. His three associates were shot and killed, leaving the U.S. Navy in control of a rap music label.

The Dollar Store reported huge sales volume during the first quarter on Friday as American consumers flocked to the retail outlet for low-priced bargains. Every item in the store sells for a dollar or less. Don't buy your bank stocks anywhere else.

The Labor Department said unemployment hit twelve percent in Los Angeles. It's having an impact. The Post Office will lose a fortune on Mother's Day when fifty percent of the cards are delivered by people just walking upstairs from the basement.

The White House named Aneesh Chopra the U.S. government's chief technology officer Friday. Now whenever government officials want technical support they're going to get someone from India on the phone. That's not change, that's what we've had all along.

Dr. Martin Luther King's children were reported on Saturday to have charged the foundation funding his statue on the National Mall eight hundred thousand dollars for use of his likeness and his words for the statue. No one can believe it. Vultures circling high in the sky ask their young why they can't be more like the King children.

The World Trade Center's twin towers were reported Saturday to be twenty-eight years away from being rebuilt and fully occupied. It's a good plan. By then Osama bin Laden and his crew will be so old they won't be able to knock over a vending machine.

A Minnesota appeals court panel ruled last week that Al Franken beat Norm Coleman in the Senate recount. It'll be appealed. Norm Coleman is represented by the famed lawyer Ben Ginsberg, and the only way you can beat a lawyer that good is to die with no money.

The White House asked Georgetown Thursday to cover up a Christian logo onstage before President Obama would speak there, The logo read, In This Sign You Will Conquer. The background was left blank after Georgetown refused to put up a banner saying Jesus, Just One of Many Options Available to Our Many Friends around the Globe.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas has the right to secede from the Union. You know the rest. Then Oklahoma secedes, then Arkansas, then Alabama, then South Carolina and then Barack Obama realizes his dream of being the next Abe Lincoln.

John Madden retired from broadcasting NFL games on Thursday. It's a great loss to comedians. Add his retirement to George W. Bush's departure and you realize that Frank Caliendo may have to choose between working in blackface or starving to death.

Mel Gibson was sued for divorce Tuesday amid tabloid charges of infidelity. It is irrelevant under California law. Mel Gibson's wife Robyn is divorcing him after twenty-nine years after she did some genealogical research and found out she's Jewish.

Beatles record producer Phil Spector was convicted of murder in Los Angeles on Monday and now faces eighteen years in prison. The verdict was a surprise locally. Most people in Los Angeles felt that the death of AM radio music is punishment enough.

Hulk Hogan said his divorce left him so embittered he understands why O.J. Simpson went nuts. One thing we know. If Hulk's ex-wife leaves her sunglasses at a restaurant, the waiter would be wiser to mail them to her rather than drop them off at her front door.

U.S. Open promoters admitted Friday they're having a hard time selling corporate sponsor tents for the U.S. Open. They can be handy. Last fall Lehman Brothers bought a tent along the eighteenth fairway for the Ryder Cup and they are still living in it.

Hillary Clinton signaled Friday that closer trade relations between the U.S. and Cuba are at hand. The administration's motives are obvious. Cuba makes the world's finest cigars and all the previous Democratic plans to kill Rush Limbaugh have failed.

The Justice Department flew the captured Somali pirate from last week's hostage drama to New York Friday. He's in for a big disappointment. All those investment banking firms which recruited him for high-paying jobs last fall are out of business now.

President Obama apologized to Latin America for past American heavy-handedness after apologizing to Europe for U.S. arrogance. He's clueless. There was a time when Europe and Latin America were about to turn Nazi and it was no time for a light touch.

President Obama released President Bush's torture instruction memos to the CIA Thursday. The guidelines permitted slapping, nudity, handcuffing and confinement with an insect. That's not an interrogation memo, that's the Heidi Fleiss Spring Catalogue.

Miami University was ranked America's top party school in Playboy's list of the top ten party schools. The seniors turn pro in May. Betty Ford has first pick in this year's draft followed by Promises Malibu, Hazelden and Tent City Jail in Phoenix.

The New York Yankees opened new Yankee Stadium Thursday with the players saying it isn't as noisy as the old stadium. It's not the design, it's the prices. Fans who can pay two thousand dollars a seat have never had to raise their voices for anything.

Hillary Clinton is offering a Weekend with Bill in a drawing to raise money to retire her campaign debt. It exemplifies the wisdom of experience. After thirty-five years of futile attempts to reform him she's decided to go with the flow and pimp him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-19-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees christened Yankee Stadium Thursday and its seven-thousand-dollar seats. The millionaire tax has driven all the rich people out of New York. The only way they could fill the stadium is by papering the house with Somali pirates.

Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates killed at sea by U.S. Navy Seals snipers. It was exhilarating. The three snipers are so popular that American Idol wants to use them as judges next year.

The Liberty Sun cargo vessel withstood a pirate attack off Somalia Tuesday. The crew hid out passively inside the engine room. There's a simple solution to the piracy problem, but the president is understandably reluctant to equip each ship with a rifle and a Southerner.

President Obama apologized in Mexico Thursday for America's heavy-handedness in Latin America over the years. Two weeks ago he apologized in Europe for America's arrogance over the years. History will show that Barack Obama assassinated three Somali pirates after his pollster warned him it was the only way to avoid impeachment.

Colombian authorities arrested top cocaine cartel chieftain Don Mario in Caracas Wednesday after the drug kingpin put a bounty on cops. This shows you how lucrative the drug trade is. Only drug lords can afford to buy brand name paper towels.

Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas could legally secede from America. The idea is spreading. Texans are furious over Barack Obama's speech in Turkey when he listed the world's three great religions and he didn't include high school football.

The Vatican blocked Caroline Kennedy's bid to be U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Her Uncle Teddy was baptized by Pope Pius, Grandpa Joe was a papal knight, and her dad Jack was our only Catholic president. It gives you an idea of how much the Vatican hates women.

Baghdad reported a huge jump in car sales due to prosperous times Friday. Iraq is the third country after Japan and Germany to lose a war to the U.S., then bask in riches. Vietnam sealed its fate as a forgotten backwater by winning the Vietnam War.

President Obama introduced his new pet dog Bo at the White House Tuesday. They don't get along. The puppy worked hard all day digging up a bone and the president made him spread the wealth and share the bone with a less industrious dog across town.

New York City police reported Monday that three customers in a Queens grocery store bought peppers with bags of cocaine in them. It caused a lot of fuss. This time last year, no one in New York City would have noticed being charged ten thousand dollars for a pound of hot peppers but nowadays Americans are watching every penny.

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said Iraq War vets were ripe pickings for right-wing extremist groups when they come home. She had to apologize. There was a time in this country when Elvis Presley's haircut made him a GI, not a skinhead.

Spain's justice minister announced Thursday that Spain won't prosecute the Bush administration for torturing detainees at Guantanamo under international law. The country which devised the Inquisition gave us the thumbs-up on our interrogation methods. It's like being told by the Sham Wow guy that you have a real flare for sales.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise was scheduled Friday to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the one hundredth anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury ocean liner Balmoral will re-trace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn't see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama took his family to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington D.C. for Easter Sunday. Where he'd attend church was the subject of much debate and prognostication. NFL draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. had him going no higher than Methodist.

The Dallas Cowboys were scheduled Thursday to christen the new Cowboys Stadium against the New York Giants in September. It has a retractable roof. It opens during the fourth quarter so God can see that the team is really trying to beat the point spread.

The New York Mets were ordered to sell Bernard Madoff's season tickets at Citi Field. He pre-bought great seats he could use to reel in new investors so he could pay off old investors, but everything collapsed in late September. The Mets understand.

The Los Angeles Dodgers drew their biggest opening game crowd in history Tuesday on a day when local tradition reigned supreme. The Stealth bomber arrived late for its pre-game flyover. Nobody gets to Dodger Stadium until the third inning.

The EPA convened a National Bed Bug Summit this week to investigate infestations that are spreading from hotel bed to hotel bed. There'll be a new round of tea parties next week. The only reason you elect Democrats is so there won't be an investigation into what's going on in your bed.

Boston Tea Parties broke out nationwide Wednesday based on the original Boston Tea Party that led to independence. Think of the money it saved England. Losing the colonies was like divorcing a gorgeous lady who has a brother with a gambling problem.

Homeland Security targeted conservative groups as extremists Wednesday as they surveilled the tea parties. The anti-tax, anti-debt, anti-spending protesters were livid at the news. It stirred up such a hornets' nest that the White House had to say that while it may be at war with Baptist terrorists, it has the greatest respect for Baptism.

Homeland Security angered conservatives by advising police to monitor pro-gun, anti-tax, anti-immigration and anti-big spending groups as right-wing extremists. This should be easy. The suspects were last seen on every denomination and coin of United States currency.

China News Agency showed photos of Chinese cargo ships in the Indian Ocean being shielded from Somali pirates by leaping dolphins. It made for a cute picture. Since then the pirates have learned to ignore the dolphins, it's the seals that'll kill you.

U.S. Navy Seals snipers shot three Somali pirates in the head Sunday to free a hostage. The pirates got cocky. They said Saturday they weren't afraid of America and the very next day the Pirates lost the first triple-header in the history of the game.

President Obama was questioned by civil rights groups Monday for assassinating three Somali pirates. He did the right thing. When you consider the cash hauls the pirates were getting and their belief in no government, they were trending Republican anyway.

Al Sharpton defended the Somali pirates and called them the volunteer Somali coast guard. It's no surprise. Last year the pirates gave Al Sharpton ten thousand dollars and an honorary degree to speak at their coast guard academy graduation ceremony.

Lehman Brothers reported to creditors Wednesday it owns a half-million pounds of yellowcake uranium. It's enough for a nuclear bomb. When President Bush said last September that Lehman Brothers had to be toppled because they had weapons of mass destruction, everybody thought he was talking about their mortgaged-backed securities.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Navy sailed to Africa Thursday to guard commercial ships. They all know the risks. Disneyland just opened a ride called Pirates of the Somali Coast, you get in the boat and go around in circles until your insurance company pays the ransom.

GM showcased a two-wheel electric vehicle called the Puma last week. It's too fast for the sidewalks and too slow for the streets and has no safety features at all. It didn't take Congress two weeks to design their first car for General Motors.

The New York Daily News said Tuesday that Barack Obama is risking overexposure by speaking too often in public. It's an old habit. The people of Chicago first heard Barack Obama speak for forty-five minutes, it was in a theater during the movie.

Boston Tea Parties were held Wednesday in protest of the bailouts of banks and car makers and homeowners. Nobody actually threw tea into the water. Nothing about this economic situation will be improved by creating a race of hyper-caffeinated fish.

The FBI said cyber spies planted electronic bombs that could destroy the power grid. All computers in America would be on battery power. It would give everyone only two hours to go inside the chat room and say good-bye to their favorite porn star.

Fidel Castro met with the Congressional Black Caucus in Havana last week. The U.S. lawmakers said America should copy Cuba's agricultural system. If a Republican praised sugar and tobacco plantations whose workers weren't allowed to leave, his career would be over.

Rush Limbaugh left New York due to its new state millionaire tax and resulting audits, although he only works there two weeks a year. It began a stampede. The New York Yankees could kick themselves for not building their new stadium in Liechtenstein.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il declared a national holiday in North Korea last week to celebrate his missile launch. He's especially proud of its accuracy. The missile flew almost two thousand miles and hit its intended target, the Pacific Ocean.

Somali pirates hijacked an American cargo ship in the Indian Ocean on Thursday but they were overwhelmed by the U.S. crew. The shipper was insured against seizure by pirates. If GM had only thought to buy this policy, the CEO would still have a job.

Jeb Bush began giving political interviews last weekend, spurring rumors he may run for president. Conservatives were overjoyed on talk radio. Conservatives are like alcoholics in their persistent delusion that the next Bush, it's going to be different.

Education Secretary Arne Duncan said Wednesday American schoolchildren need to be in class six days a week, eleven months a year. This is one idea that didn't come from the pollsters. If the Democrats push this through, the Republicans will be able to run for office for the next three generations as the party of summer vacation.

The White House was reported Tuesday weighing radical options to combat global warming, including the idea of shooting pollution particles into the atmosphere to reflect the sun's rays. Why go to all that trouble? If the Democrats want pollution in the earth's atmosphere, why can't we just go back to doing what we were doing before?

The Justice Department argued in a lawsuit brought by AT&T customers Wednesday that the Patriot Act gave the feds immunity to conduct domestic spying with wiretaps. They're probably spying on Democrats if they want to hear anything juicy. If you spy on the Republicans all you hear is who's out and who's hitting a Titleist Red.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Treasury Department predicted better-than-expected tax revenues Sunday when tax returns arrive this week. Their optimism is based on the recent uptick in the economy. Today is National Tax Day, or as the Obama Cabinet calls it, Casual Citizenship Day.

President Obama told the Turkish people he wants to form a partnership between the U.S. and the Muslim world. He declared that Islam has done much to shape his own country. For instance, it used to be a little taller in New York than it is right now.

GM teamed up with Segway Monday to build a motorized two-wheeled car that runs on electricity and is equipped with GPS. The two wheels are for maneuverability, the battery is for energy efficiencies, and the GPS is for notification of next of kin.

The FAA hid data about bird damage to airliners Monday after environmentalists feared it would destroy bird habitats near airports. The way they look at it, birds are our predators in nature. And all this time we've been going after Catholic priests.

Tyra Banks got Bristol Palin's boyfriend Levi Johnston to discuss sex details of their love life in the Alaska governor's home. It was a sad spectacle. By the end of the show the only person in Alaska who's still innocent was Senator Ted Stevens.

Detroit began printing its own paper money called Detroit Cheer Monday. Why do it? The U.S. dollar is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States, at best you might get somebody to take it and at worst, it still makes a good coke straw.

Fox News reported on Tuesday how some housewives are moonlighting as strippers due to the economy. Many of their families have no idea. The kids are never going to find out about it until their moms show up to pay their college tuition in singles.

North Korea launched a missile last week but once again failed to get a satellite into orbit. The missile flew two thousand miles before falling harmlessly in the ocean. It was the third such result since North Korea declared war on Carnival Cruise.

French and Italian wineries reported Tuesday that the consumption of wine fell with the economy this year throughout continental Europe. However, wine sales in United States remain strong. Apparently last century all the alcoholics migrated to America and left the European market with only the people who can take it or leave it.

Cuba's Raul Castro met with U.S. Congressional Black Caucus members. There are long ties between the communist party and the civil rights movement in America. Nobody was going to achieve racial equality by quoting eighteenth century Virginians.

Iraq's court reduced the sentence of the Iraqi journalist who hurled his shoes at President Bush. Throwing a shoe is a sign of utter contempt in Arab culture. Try to imagine hitting an iron shot to the green before the next group has putted out.

The Iraqi Tourism Bureau announced Thursday that Iraq is now open for business to tourists and religious pilgrims from around the world. You can tell the country was rebuilt by Halliburton. The porno channel in all of the hotel rooms runs Fox News.

Bill Clinton's boyhood home in Arkansas was declared a U.S. national monument on Monday. The living room is especially important. It's where Bill Clinton first saw Errol Flynn on the late night movie and decided what he was going to do with his life.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House admitted Monday that President Obama had not selected a church to join in the week leading up to Easter. He's looking for a perfect fit. That would be where he could worship Jesus on a prayer rug facing Mecca and a Teleprompter.

A Turkish student trying to get a pilot's license in Canada stole a Cessna and flew across the U.S. hoping he would be shot down. There was no hostile intent. If he was going to bring down an office building he would have gotten a broker's license.

Yankee Stadium was christened Monday when an American bald eagle landed on the hand of Captain Sully Sullenberger at home plate. That's typecasting for you. Fred Astaire couldn't get rid of Ginger Rogers and Sully Sullenberger can't get rid of birds.

Fast and Furious had the biggest movie opening of the year last week. It's got fast cars and huge trucks flying all over the road. Americans no longer fantasize about sex, danger or science fiction, just about high-powered engines and low mileage.

Michael Jordan accepted election to the Basketball Hall of Fame on Monday with great reluctance. His gratitude was mixed with burning pride. He still thinks he can return and be a great player but the court order says fifty feet from all casinos.

South Carolina's Department of Archives began selling old Confederate war bonds Monday to raise money for upkeep. They're selling for eight times their face value in U.S. dollars. If they could sell enough of these to China the South could rise again.

George W. Bush was cheered Monday as he threw out the first pitch for the Texas Rangers. He's had a great month. He spoke in Canada, he threw out the first pitch in Texas and he just found out there's a national holiday in his honor on April first.

Homeland Security went on alert Monday after a Turkish student in Canada stole a Cessna in Ontario and flew across America's mid-section hoping to be shot down by U.S. jets. The danger was minimal. Fifteen years ago a Cessna crashed into the White House just outside Hillary's bedroom window, so the president was never in any danger.

NASA reported satellite measurements of the Arctic Ocean Monday revealing that its reserve of thick ice is melting at a fast rate. It makes no sense. Scientists cannot explain how the ice shelf is breaking up and yet the Clintons remain together.

Queen Elizabeth was photographed holding her purse while inside her own apartments during the G-20 summit. It's a signal to staffers. When she holds her purse on her arm, she's enjoying herself; when it's in her hand, it's a signal to staffers to get rid of her guest; and when it's opened up, it means there's another divorce settlement underway.

President Obama addressed Turkey's parliament Monday where he redefined the U.S. relationship with the Muslim world. Their eyes glazed over as his speech reached its eighty-ninth minute. He has got a lot of nerve saying that Americans don't torture.

President Obama apologized in France for American arrogance. During the trip he bowed to the Saudi king, he apologized to France and he told Muslims in Turkey he's one of them. Hospital emergency rooms nationwide report a surge of patients coming in with symptoms of buyer's remorse, and only half of them have insurance.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il's left arm jerked involuntarily while watching a rocket launch during his first public appearance since his stroke last summer. This guy is launching rockets, he's holding female American journalists prisoner, and he's not in complete control of his body. It's just a matter of time before Hillary Clinton forgives him.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama helicoptered to Buckingham Palace flanked by thirty-nine decoy helicopters last week as Londoners gazed upwards in awe. He pulled this stunt one week before Easter. It's what comedians who start the show call burying the headliner.

North Carolina and Michigan State played for the NCAA basketball title Monday. One state represents tobacco subsidies and one represents manufacturing subsidies. They were out on the court battling but nobody knew what they were fighting over.

President Obama was denounced by conservatives for bowing before Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah at the London summit. It had to happen. President Obama hasn't owned General Motors two weeks and already he is conspiring against the electric car.

Washington state lawmakers banned detergents containing phosphates. That's the chemical that gets clothes and dishes clean. Federal courts are now going to have to address the sentencing disparities between crack cocaine and powdered detergent.

The Jimmy Carter Visitor Center lost its Georgia state funding Tuesday due to budget cuts. Lawmakers said hardly anybody ever stops there. Tourists would much rather drink beer, shoot pool and toss darts down the road at the Billy Carter Visitor Center.

Alex Rodriguez said Sunday he may be back from his hip surgery in April rather than May as expected. It'll be hard for him to focus at the plate. The huge flatscreen in center field was designed to get narcissists to take their eye off the ball.

Donald Trump warned the governor of New York Tuesday that millionaires are set to flee the state. The governor wants a big state tax hike on the wealthy. There was a time when Donald Trump would have worried about that, but he is in real estate.

Bill Clinton admitted to a reporter last week that he has hand tremors, however his doctor said it's not Parkinson's. That's good to know. Just because he shakes his finger at reporters does not mean that he did not have sex with that woman.

The White House excluded legendary NFL coach Tony Dungy from the Faith Advisory Council appointed Monday. Gay activists didn't like his opposition to same-sex marriage. Coach Dungy has seen the fights that can break out when men shower together.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il announced Monday that his next launch will test-fire a missile that can reach California. There is no early warning system for nuclear radiation in Los Angeles. We have to watch George Hamilton for signs of early tanning.

U.S. officials said North Korea's launch failed to get its payload up into outer space. It's their third rocketry failure in three attempts. Kim Jong Il seems to be just another Baby Boomer paying the price for having too much fun in the Seventies.

London papers raved about President Obama's rapport with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The president said he discussed dinosaurs with the prime minister's kids. He told them how someday Wall Street investment bankers will decay into fossil fuels.

The Today Show got New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer on the show Monday to talk about his sex scandal last year, when he was caught paying hookers four thousand dollars per tryst. His rehabilitation is well underway. Someday he'll tell his grandkids he did more than any other governor of New York to create high-paying jobs for women.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-12-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Easter, and how's everybody?

Augusta National is the site of today's final round of the Masters. It's golf's most sacred ground. Forty thousand Anglo-Saxons were on the course at dawn with their children dressed up as angels to take part in the annual Arnold Palmer Pageant.

The Hollywood Bowl announced that today's Easter pageant sold out earlier than ever before in its history. It's a nationwide phenomenon. People this year long to see Jesus rise, thinking if it can happen to Jesus, it could happen to their house.

President Obama told Turkey Monday the U.S. does not consider itself a Christian nation, a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. It's sad. For over two hundred years we've worshipped the Almighty Dollar, so at the moment we are a nation without a church.

George W. Bush threw out the first pitch in the Texas Rangers home opener last week. He should do well on the dinner circuit. Bob Uecker made a fortune regaling audiences about his eight years as the worst player in Major League Baseball history.

The New York Yankees unveiled new Yankee Stadium which dazzles visitors with its four-thousand-square-foot television screens, huge electronic billboards and giant scoreboard. It burns nine megawatts of electricity a night. The new Axis of Evil is the left field pavilion, the right field pavilion and the Jumbotron.

A New York judge ruled Wednesday that a strip bar is exempt from paying state sales taxes because pole dancing qualifies as art. That's good news all around. Alex Rodriguez can now tell the commissioner's office that he is a patron of the arts.

Michelle Obama's wardrobe in Europe last week caused J. Crew sweater sales to skyrocket. The world simply adores her. This recession would be over if Michelle Obama had arrived at Buckingham Palace wearing an American bank around her shoulders.

Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame on the first ballot Monday. There's precedent for this. Last year the way was cleared for him when Pete Rose was elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

Madonna was refused permission to adopt an African girl by the judge in Malawi after objections from the child's family. It's terrible. What's a family compared to a celebrity's inner circle when it comes to knowing how to raise a child?

North Korea fired a Taepodong-2 missile over the Sea of Japan Saturday in an attempt to send a satellite into orbit. The missile's range included Hawaii and Alaska. President Obama denounced the rocket launch and apologized for the Korean War.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il launched another long-range missile on Sunday which fell harmlessly into the ocean. It was his third consecutive dud. Kim Jong Il is the only world leader who needs a glass bottom boat to review his space program.

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice Monday couldn't get the Security Council to criticize North Korea for its missile launch. The U.N. is afraid to say anything. If the U.N. starts condemning every communist country with a government-owned economy and a controlled media that only praises the leader, they may have to move out of New York.

President Obama will meet Thursday with Mexico's President Felipe Calderon. They will discuss border violence, sex trafficking, and drug running. After they finish the small talk about their favorite HBO shows, they are going to get down to business.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-10-09

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Lutheran Church congregations in America celebrated Palm Sunday by waving Fair Trade palm fronds. They were harvested in an environmentally sensitive way. That means that after the farm workers pick the palm fronds, they always call the next day.

Michael Vick told a bankruptcy court judge he hopes to play in the NFL for ten more years after he gets out of prison next month. He lost his house and his job and all his money two years ago. He was always a year and a half faster than everyone.

Afghanistan passed a law last week making it legal for husbands to rape their wives. Their economy is based on heroin, and now they have conjugal rape. However, we are not going to overthrow their government until they legalize high executive pay.

Nigerian Sulaiman Adebayo was arrested in Lagos Friday by narcotics police who found sacks containing six tons of pot in his home. He's one hundred and fourteen years of age. Smart Cubs fans always store up enough painkillers for the next century.

Madonna was refused permission to adopt an African girl by the presiding judge in Malawi on Friday. She remains determined. Madonna's tired of having to break her backup dancers of all their bad work habits and she wants to raise them from cubs.

Bill Clinton acknowledged Thursday that he has hand tremors, however his doctor said it's not Parkinson's. It's too late. If Bill Clinton had had a medical excuse for not being able to control his hands ten years ago, he wouldn't have been impeached.

U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner authored a bill to expand the number of work visas for supermodels after he took donations from foreign supermodels. We have to keep up with demand. Tom Brady is starting families with them faster than we can import them.

The House voted last week to give the FDA the power to regulate smoking tobacco and chewing tobacco and all tobacco advertising. For all the glamorous billboards, you can't fool the children, especially the ones in West Virginia. They know when the heat's on.

Iraq ended its contract with Blackwater Security Saturday due to all the brute force used by the company's mercenaries. That was the plan. We didn't want Iraq to get the bends going from Saddam Hussein to freedom, and Blackwater was the middle way.

President Obama thanked France and Germany for agreeing to help in Afghanistan Friday. It's the same old combo. The U.S. will provide ground troops and spy planes, Britain air cavalry, Canada transport, Germany marching music and France refreshments.

Hillary Clinton's claim that Mexican drug lords get their machine guns from the U.S. was ridiculed by U.S. border agents. They're right, of course. Cocaine runners buy their guns from Russia, they don't have time to fiddle around with trigger locks.

President Obama flies to Mexico next week for a presidential summit. He has a choice of speeches he can give. He can apologize for the U.S. annexing the western U.S., he can apologize for the way U.S. college kids behave in Mexico on spring break, or he can fire the head of Mexico's largest cocaine cartel and force them to go green.

Sarah Palin's sister-in-law was arrested for burglary in Alaska Thursday while Bristol Palin's ex-fiance told Tyra Banks all about their sex life. Sarah's husband is profiled in Esquire this month in an issue called How to Be a Man. Social Services could seize Sarah Palin's kids on suspicion that the governor's mansion is a meth lab.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama made plans to go to Mexico in ten days for a summit to discuss the violence crossing the U.S. border from Mexico. We're being invaded by a country that exports crude oil, marijuana and cocaine. We had more resistance to the Macarena.

Congress passed the largest budget bill in the history of mankind Thursday. They are spending money at record breaking speed. The only way that the United States is going to be able to pay off this debt is if we start raising taxpayers in puppy mills.

President Obama flew to France last week and tried to sell the French and Germans on fighting in Afghanistan. German and French generals need to know that the country is a valley below the Himalayan foothills where cannons echo like the voice of God. Forget the fact that you can't win there, it's what comedians call a great room.

President Obama paid a surprise visit to Iraq Tuesday where he said he wants the Iraqi people to begin taking control of their own country. They can't wait. They've watched President Obama move to nationalize the auto companies and the banks, and if they're going to have a dictator they would just as soon have a home-grown one.

The Major League Baseball season began Sunday with everyone unsettled by recession fears. It doesn't even pay for players to win the Most Valuable Player award. As soon as they accept the free GM car the government has the authority to cut their salaries.

Michael Vick was in court Friday to arrange terms to get out of the bankruptcy and foreclosure he entered two years ago. Talk about rehabilitation. He's gone from being a reviled dog abuser to being the Christopher Columbus of the economic downturn.

Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted Friday for attempting to sell a Senate seat. It affects the state's reputation. If Chicago gets the Olympic Summer Games, the track relay teams will be required to pass the batons under the table.

It's a Small World re-opened in Disneyland last weekend following two years of reconstruction and modernization of the popular ride. It's been updated. You can tell the ride is open because as you walk around the park, no one can stop singing We Are Just a Small Part of the World but We Are Responsible for the Suffering in Darfur.

Vermont passed a same-sex marriage law Friday the same day Iowa's Supreme Court upheld same-sex marriage. It's a constitutional issue. They've made the case that same-sex couples can love each other just as much as straight couples love their guns.

Queen Elizabeth chastised Italy's Silvio Berlusconi for making too much noise at the G-20 group photo. He's always been boorish. In college Silvio willed his body to science so he could tell women that he just got accepted into medical school.

President Obama made plans Friday to lift the ban on family travel to Cuba. It is so compassionate. The Gambino family, the Genovese family and the Lansky family lost a lot of property to the Castro family and they would like to get some of it back.

Congress gave the FDA the power to regulate tobacco on Tuesday as taxes pushed cigarette prices to ten dollars a pack in New York City. It's the health insurance reform nobody thought of. We are going to screen cigarette smokers for ability to pay.

Taliban head Baitullah Mehsud vowed last week to blow up the White House. Reaction was typical. He hasn't planned the attack and already you can hear President Obama apologizing for how America's oxygen overreacted to South Asia's saltpeter and sulfur.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama apologized for American arrogance during a speech in France on Friday. Of course America is contemptuous of France. We cleaned up after France in Vietnam, Haiti, Lebanon and World War II, and nobody jokes about you like the maid.

President Obama goes to Mexico next week for a presidential summit while he's under pressure by Latino leaders to ease immigration laws. Immigrants do the jobs Americans refuse to do. No American wants to be president of GM for what Obama's willing to pay.

President Obama landed in Strasbourg Friday for NATO's sixtieth anniversary summit meeting. Sixty years ago the U.S. taxpayers financed a military alliance to stop the march of world socialism. Why should it march when we'll send a car for it?

President Obama backed free trade Friday, saying no one should protect domestic companies from foreign competition. He just killed Detroit a week after seizing it. That should silence everyone who said he doesn't know how to run an auto industry.

Oakland residents staged protest marches Friday against police brutality. They accuse cops of grabbing street dealers and knocking out their teeth. With gold at a thousand dollars an ounce not everyone has the patience to stand in a river and shake a pan.

Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on corruption charges on Friday. It's ruinous. The Olympic Committee members were leaning toward giving the Summer Games to Chicago until the city cleaned up its act and cracked down on bribery.

The New York Yankees on Saturday unveiled their new Yankee Stadium. It's built for a really good time. It includes a sports bar with disco music and a full view of the field where women drink for half-price, and that's just the Yankees dugout.

New England Patriots star Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen announced plans to get married in Costa Rica this week. Last month they were married in Santa Monica. In this economy no matter how rich you are, you can never have enough toasters.

Cabo San Lucas reported big college crowds last month for spring break. That's when college students head for Mexico to drink, do drugs and have sex. After that they go back to school and return to the same old grind--drink, do drugs and have sex.

Queen Elizabeth upbraided Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi for cutting up and making noise at the Group of Twenty leaders group photo Thursday. The man is simply irrepressible. Silvio Berlusconi is like fine wine, about twelve percent alcohol.

Bill Clinton admitted in an interview last week that he has tremors in his hand but said it's not Parkinson's. He prides himself on being in shape. Last weekend Bill Clinton did a marathon when he was home in New York, but it was a Baywatch marathon.

Michelle Obama was a huge hit in Britain at the G-20 Summit. She was adored by the British press and public and children who followed her everywhere. She's so much like Princess Diana it rekindled the passion between Prince Charles and Camilla.

The Justice Department prepared Wednesday to drop all charges against Alaska's convicted former U.S. Senator Ted Stevens. This guy was a legend in Washington D.C. Ted Stevens brought home so much pork in forty years that he's banned in two religions.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House issued a toll-free number for a recorded foreign policy update from Hillary Clinton on Friday, but the number turned out to be a phone sex line. It was an honest goof. They accidentally gave out the number for the Bill Clinton update.

Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano changed the name of the War on Terror to the overseas contingency operations. She also changed terror attacks to man-caused disasters. This time next year, March Madness will be known as Bipolar Disorder Month.

The Guiding Light was canceled by CBS Friday after seventy-two-years. This is another colossally stupid network decision. Just when ten percent of the country is out of work and sitting home watching soap operas, CBS decides to broadcast dead air.

Illinois's former governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted for fraud on Friday. It's unfair. When he tried to sell a U.S. Senate seat for a million dollars last September he had no idea it would only be worth three hundred thousand dollars six months later.

North Korea was seen in satellite photos on Thursday fueling an ICBM missile for Saturday's launch. Google Earth doesn't lie. It's a miracle that technology invented for watching nude sunbathers in their backyards has a dual purpose for national security.

The Kentucky Wildcats signed basketball coach John Calipari for thirty million dollars. The job also has tremendous benefits. After six months of recruiting in living rooms all across the country you know every Queen Latifah movie backwards and forward.

The New York Yankees were reported Wednesday to be having trouble selling their five-thousand-dollar box seats. The perks that come with the tickets are nice. If you give a pitcher the thumbs down during a tough inning a lion will come out and eat him.

Oscar-winning actress Cloris Leachman publicized her just-released autobiography Friday by posing nude in front of cameras wearing nothing but lettuce. There was no danger of exposure. All the farm workers have back to Mexico because of the economy.

John McCain urged a presidential pardon Friday for the first black heavyweight champ, Jack Johnson. He was convicted ninety years ago for transporting women across the state line for immoral purposes. Just knowing that law is still on the books could be enough to cancel the passenger railroad line from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in the stimulus bill.

French first lady Carla Sarkozy took Michelle Obama on a tour of the Strasbourg Cathedral on Friday. It was very chilly inside. Carla Sarkozy walked around with that I-am-a-supermodel air and Michelle had that air of Queen-Elizabeth-likes-me-best.

President Obama told the G-20 conference in London Thursday the U.S. will be a good team player on the world stage from now on. Everyone's skeptical. Gary Sheffield says the same thing every spring but by September he's split the team in two with his demands.

The Group of 20 nations meeting in London Thursday agreed to clamp down on corporate tax havens like Luxembourg. High taxes prevent illegal immigration. Mexican workers won't come to the United States anymore because they have bigger plans with their lives.

Congress voted Thursday to give the FDA power to regulate tobacco. This is the perfect chance for the tobacco states to legalize pot smoking. Restaurant patrons may not like the smell at first but everybody will be used to it by the third dessert.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Major League Baseball began a new season Sunday with the first game being held in Washington D.C. The players are worried about their salaries. They're afraid that by October they'll all be playing for minimum wage in the Nationalization League.

President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute monarchy she's got first claim on the job.

London mobs smashed windows in the city's financial district Wednesday as they demanded a change in the global banking system. They have a point. The protesters stormed inside the Bank of England and came out with four thousand hands full of lint.

The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama's gifts to our allies. They're all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown DVDs that won't play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, and he gave the Italian government Chrysler.

President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod loaded with Richard Rodgers Broadway hits. Why couldn't his gift reflect our shared history? If he was truly considerate he would have seized Philip Morris and given her a tobacco company.

President Obama dined at Ten Downing Street last week, where he met Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. The president loves the stories about the wizards with magical powers. He's read all the books from cover to cover to his economic team.

Homer Simpson's picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp. The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It's okay to put Homer Simpson's face on a stamp but they really ought to replace him as Postmaster General.

Republican congressmen walked down the Capitol steps together to publicize the GOP budget proposal Wednesday. It was quite a sight. There were two hundred white guys wearing blue suits and red ties, and they just voted unanimously against cloning.

Pastor Ted Haggard and wife made a guest appearance on Divorce Court Friday. They stayed together after he slept with a male hooker and did meth with him. Some people feel that once you have been matched by e-Harmony it's best not to argue with the computer.

The Republican National Committee replaced Sarah Palin with Newt Gingrich as featured speaker at a fundraiser in Washington D.C. this June. She couldn't commit. There's always someone in the family who's about to go into labor and she can't make plans to be out of town.

Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to work with Iran. She doesn't care what they do as long as they come up the back stairs and don't go public with it.

The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska's former Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill.

President Obama flew to Europe aboard Air Force One along with an entourage of five hundred people. The plane carried extra vials of his blood type, five basketballs and a dozen Teleprompters. That's exactly how Shaquille O'Neal travels except for the Teleprompters, because Shaquille O'Neal can ad-lib without ending his career.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-5-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Queen Elizabeth gave President Obama a private audience Wednesday. It's a formal ceremony. He walked into the Queen's sitting room, bowed his head, then presented her with his credentials as United States president and chairman of Government Motors.

The White House prepared to seize Chrysler Friday after President Obama purged General Motors. Who's next? Kremlinologists are studying photos of the Inaugural Parade to see which company is standing furthest away from him on the reviewing stand.

President Obama gave a strong pitch asking Americans to buy GM cars Monday and vowed to stand behind every warranty. He's over-managing the economy, he's sending troops into quagmires in Asia and now he's selling used cars. He sold his soul to get elected president, which explains why Richard Nixon never really leaves the Oval Office.

The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it's not officially a depression until prohibition is repealed.

The Special Olympics urged people to stop using the word retarded as a general insult. Fair enough. We have to come up with a new word for anyone who'd force automakers to make cars Americans won't buy, thinking it'll keep them out of bankruptcy.

The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you are suicidal they make you pay in advance.

Joe Biden's daughter Ashley was caught snorting coke at a party in a videotape being shopped to the tabloids this week. She won't answer any questions about the embarrassing photo. She's terrified she's going to be banned from competitive swimming.

Congressman Barney Frank authored a bill to let Congress set the pay scale for all jobs in bailed-out companies. His committee just called Charlie Brown to testify. He once successfully ran a lemonade stand and Congress just wanted to pick his brains.

London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese communists are now the capitalists, France's president is Hungarian, the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards.

London bankers came to work dressed like hippies Tuesday to avoid being mobbed by anti-capitalist street protesters. The bankers wanted to look scruffy, beat up and impoverished. Some of them came to work wearing nothing but their balance sheets.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown had a simple state dinner Wednesday at Ten Downing Street. It was to avoid putting on airs. Michelle Obama likes to eat things that are grown in the ground but when they dug up the yard all they found was an Irish terrorist.

Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud took credit for terror attacks in Pakistan last week. He's now threatening to attack the White House. He heard the War on Terror has been renamed the Overseas Contingency Operation and he doesn't appreciate the demotion.

Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana's streets are filled with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Freedom Tower was dropped as the new World Trade Center's name last week because the Chinese tenants might be offended. What an outrage. We're lucky al-Qaeda isn't opening an office there or kids would have to be taught that the Twin Towers were brought down by Canadian geese.

Joe Biden's daughter Ashley Biden won't comment about a video that apparently shows her snorting cocaine at a party. It's a huge embarrassment for the administration. She's going to have to check into the Betty Ford Center because the Democrats don't have any rehabs.

The Arnold Palmer Invitational featured many NBC interviews with Arnold Palmer in the broadcast booth. He's routinely addressed by America's golfing community as the king, which is healthy. It's the only thing that keeps Barack Obama's ego in check.

John Kerry led a panel in El Paso Monday investigating the Mexico drug cartels' cross-border incursions into America. We're being invaded by an oil country. If this was an episode of the game show Jeopardy, the category would be Turnabout's Fair Play.

The White House sent activists door-to-door to urge passage of the president's budget Monday. They don't want anybody reading it too closely. Rickey Henderson's Major League record for most steals in one year was broken halfway through the stimulus bill.

The NFL was reported Monday to be thinking of letting players wear advertising logos on their uniforms. The ads will be seen not just on games, but on SportsCenter forever. As more and more companies get bailed out, you can watch the highlight reels year after year and get more and more resentful over how they wasted their money.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged expanding the NFL season to eighteen games with the Super Bowl delayed until President's Day weekend. The unions are against the idea. For forty years the Monday after the Super Bowl has been a paid hangover day.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates assured Fox News Sunday that Pakistan is being watched extremely carefully by the United States. We're talking about a nuclear-armed country with extremists in charge of its government. And then there is Pakistan.

President Obama announced a restructuring of General Motors Monday. A carmaker is now federally run like the post office. There's no comparison between General Motors and the U.S. Post Office, except that all the employees are armed and dangerous.

The White House forced GM's CEO Rick Wagoner to leave Sunday as a condition for federal aid. It's a new kind of farm subsidy for the Upper Midwest states. Every spring the government is going to till the soil by running companies into the ground.

Rick Wagoner got a twenty million dollar GM retirement package when he left General Motors Monday. No amount of public outrage will persuade him to give it back. If there's one thing these guys learned from the AIG scandal, it's that it'll all blow over in a week.

Hillary Clinton embarrassed herself touring Mexico last week when she visited a Roman Catholic shrine in a small town and told the people gathered outside the church they had a marvelous virgin. She sounded a little condescending. The only shrine Methodists take seriously is Amen Corner on the back nine at Augusta National.

Israel's new prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu took power Tuesday with a coalition of left and right, secular and religious. No country in history ever showed such patience with external threats. If Israel attacked every country that wanted to destroy it, they'd expand so fast they'd have to name their airport after Barry Bonds.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The NCAA basketball tournament ends up this weekend in Michigan's Ford Field in Detroit. The president made his prediction for the Final Four. By next week the only ones left standing will be Fiat, Prius, Volt and the Austin Mini Cooper.

N.Y. Giants star Plaxico Burress faced handgun possession charges Tuesday in New York. The gun went off in his pants as he hurried up the stairs of a nightclub. No one's buying his story that his mother-in-law was dying on the second floor of the disco.

Tiger Woods roared back from five strokes behind to win at Bay Hill Sunday. He played without pain after reconstructive knee surgery and won. President Obama called Tiger's knee surgeon after the tournament and asked if he does auto industries.

Pope Benedict was honored with an African tribal dance in Rome Sunday in honor of his opposition to condom use. The pope said using condoms helps to spread AIDS. You are not supposed to use them to carry blood transfusions from village to village.

Hillary Clinton blamed America's illegal drug habit for Mexico border violence Friday. Let's watch the fun. If her anti-drug campaign is as successful as her health care program was, within two years drugs will be legal and Congress will be Republican.

The American College of Cardiology said Tuesday that NFL fans are so rabid that a team losing the Super Bowl risks giving fatal heart attacks to its fans. Not so fast. The study wasn't adjusted for the pork rinds and empty beer bottles and couches where the heart attacks occurred.

Dexter starring Michael C. Hall became an iPhone game Monday in which the idea is to butcher someone while the audience roots for you. Dexter only murders villains. When you download the game you have to specify whether you are Democrat or Republican.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Sunday there are no plans to shoot down North Korea's soon-to-be-launched missile. All the U.S. states it could reach voted for Obama. Every day, the GOP's prospects for the next presidential election look a little brighter.

President Obama flew off to the London economic conference Tuesday. He brought five hundred Americans along with him on the trip. Barack Obama didn't stop at returning the bust of Churchill to England, now he is returning the white businessmen.

President Obama promised GM workers Monday that he would not let them lose their jobs. He's expected to put union leaders and environmentalists on the GM board. The plan is to save the company by retooling three plants to manufacture picket signs.

President Obama fired GM CEO Rick Wagoner Monday for favoring trucks and SUVs over hybrid compacts. It's insane. The U.S. crushed Japan sixty-four years ago using huge Pratt and Whitney engines, and apparently we learned nothing from the experience.

Chinese TV women's show host Yang Lan signed with Creative Artists Agency in Beverly Hills Monday. She was educated at Columbia and has two hundred million viewers daily in China. She got her start as host of the country's favorite game show, Tiananmen Squares.

George W. Bush signed a four million dollar book deal last week to write his memoirs about his time in the White House. He's going on the road with Mikhail Gorbachev. They're going to do a comedy act called the Last Communist President of the Soviet Union and the Last Capitalist President of the United States.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 4-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton's boyhood house in Arkansas was voted a historic site by Congress last week. It's a shrine for some people. Womanizers and comedians come there from all over the world in the belief that bathing in the water will cure their slump.

The Smoking Gun reported Thursday that Sham Wow commercial spokesman Vince Shlomi got in a fight with a hooker in his hotel room. It's easy to deduce what started the fight. When he ordered one hooker he thought he'd get two, plus free steak knives.

Earth Hour was declared Saturday by activists who asked people to turn out all lights and appliances for an hour at eight o'clock. What a bad idea. Shouldn't they wait until we all have health insurance before we start bumping into things in the dark?

Alex Rodriguez returns to spring training camp from hip surgery Wednesday. His place in Yankee lore is secure. When he was diagnosed with a hip injury and not a sexual disease, he replaced Lou Gehrig as the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

Rush Limbaugh's ratings got a big jump in March as the Democrats demonized him daily. Nothing annoys this administration like a white male quoting the Constitution. Their strategy is first to get them off the radio and then to get them off the currency.

President Obama imposed a thirty-miles-per-gallon standard for cars Friday and twenty-four for SUVs. He wants banks to get back on their feet by making risky loans and he wants car companies to get back on their feet by making cars which Americans refuse to buy. He graduated at the top of his class at the Trotsky School of Business.

AIG executives returned their controversial bonus money Thursday. They'll make it back in no time. In the life insurance racket, you bet them that you're going to die, they bet you you're going to live, then you pay them a fortune hoping they win.

The Weather Channel showed freezing spring weather across the United States on Saturday. There were record lows from the Rockies to the Eastern Seaboard. It was so cold in New York that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell.

Robin Williams had a heart procedure done at the Cleveland Clinic last month. It's a good time to do maintenance. Whenever a new president is enjoying his honeymoon with public opinion, comedians do whatever they can to make the most of the slow days.

Lebanon's Hezbollah guerrillas were reported Saturday to be raising money by helping Mexican drug cartels smuggle drugs and illegal aliens into the U.S. It's a way of earning enough to support their operations against Israel. After years of supporting them financially, Saudi Arabia decided Hezbollah's old enough to go out and get a job.

President Obama arrives in London today for a meeting of the twenty industrial nations' leaders. First he meets with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. They were going to prepare for their reception at the first day's meeting by watching the last scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but the DVD wouldn't play in Britain's machine.

President Obama meets with Queen Elizabeth in London today. He has a sudden respect for the British sovereign. He thought his main political rival in America was John McCain until he gave back that bust of Winston Churchill and read his e-mail.

President Obama will fly to Germany to commemorate NATO's sixtieth anniversary. Well, it's only right. American taxpayers are paying to protect Europe from Russia and to keep peace in the Middle East, the least we could do is stop by Germany and tell them how lucky they were they didn't win the war.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio