Argus Hamilton's column for 3-31-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Supreme Court heard arguments on whether the documentary Hillary the Movie was a campaign ad or if it's free speech. The justices are split. Liberals feel it's ninety minutes of hate speech but conservatives loved the scene where Hillary destroys Tokyo.

Candy Spelling put her Beverly Hills mansion on the market for one hundred and fifty million dollars. It has a hundred rooms, high walls, and a guardhouse at the gate. She has a month to sell it before the city seizes it and turns it into the Beverly Hills Jail.

Congress passed a Wilderness Act Monday to slow oil exploration and bring back the salmon. Every thirty years we have to clean up the rivers. Forget Captain Sully Sullenberger, the real Miracle on the Hudson would be a fish in it that was safe to eat.

The Vatican vowed Friday to order Catholics to boycott the DaVinci Code sequel that says Jesus married Mary Magdalene. Hollywood's been known to get history mixed up. Jesus did not behead every one of his wives until one of them gave him a son.

Chicago officials met with IOC officials Friday and made the case for Chicago to host the Summer Olympics in seven years. It's premature. They shouldn't make any decision until after the games in London, when we find out if the American team defects or comes home.

President Obama vowed Friday to aid Afghanistan's economy. We will help Asia's heroin economy but fight Mexico's cocaine economy. Ever since the homes of the AIG executives were vandalized the official U.S. policy is to put the underclass to sleep.

President Obama sent four thousand U.S. troops to Afghanistan and the U.S. Navy to the Sea of Japan last week. He also put more armed agents on the Mexico border. He wanted to have the bankers surrounded when he met with them at the White House Friday.

President Obama met with Wall Street's major bank CEOs in the White House Friday and he told them Americans are furious at them. He really beat up on the bankers. Most Democrats take out their hostility on the tobacco industry but Obama is a smoker.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress Wednesday for the power to regulate derivatives trading. Smart people always know how to make money. This year the guy who made the most money is the guy who bought pitchfork futures back in September.

California adopted a rule Friday requiring all auto repair shops to check tire pressure whenever making repairs. Have they no consciences? It's morally wrong to remove the smuggled heroin out of a tire and not reinflate it to its correct pressure.

Brazil's President Lula da Silva stunned his guest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, by saying the financial crisis was caused by white men with blue eyes. His economy is based on topless beaches and drug traffic. He should stop insulting his customers.

Hillary Clinton warned Friday that Mexico border chaos is escalating. The drug cartel violence has spread north into Phoenix and San Diego. It's just another in a long series of problems that would be solved if people just paid their bills on time.

U.S. Navy ships sailed into the Sea of Japan to monitor North Korea's threatened missile launch Friday. They're showcasing for customers. Iran wasn't impressed two years ago when their Taepodong long-range missile couldn't even beat the shot put record.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Brazilian kayaker Pedro Oliva set a record paddling over Salto Belo Falls last week. He dropped two hundred feet and surfaced after two minutes underwater. It set a record for the longest anyone has gone without seeing President Obama on television.

President Obama expressed serious concern for the future at a town-hall meeting in the White House Thursday. His concern was genuine. The stock market has begun to recover without universal health care, college for all and cars that run on windmills.

George W. Bush announced Tuesday he's writing a book about his time in the Oval Office. Two ghostwriters have already quit the project. He wants to write about the twelve toughest decisions in his life and three of them were rock, paper, scissors.

The White House made emergency plans Wednesday in case Mexican border violence escalates out of control. There's a risk Mexico's government could fall to anarchy. The White House is ordering the Strategic Cocaine Reserve to be filled up to capacity.

North Korea made launch preparations Thursday for a long-range missile which is capable of reaching the West Coast of the United States. The situation is the talk of Los Angeles. Wherever that missile lands will be the site of our new NFL stadium.

The Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings on the Bowl Championship Series in college football. They want to probe anti-trust violations. When the BCS installed a Microsoft operating system in their computer they were just asking for it.

NFL owners met in Dana Point Tuesday and discussed extending the NFL season to eighteen games a year. The timing is perfect to introduce a longer season. Now that everybody has stopped remodeling their houses, men need something to do with their Sundays.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Michael Vick must show remorse for hosting dogfights before he can be reinstated. It seems snobbish to target dogfighting and cockfighting. Not everybody has the wardrobe to trade on the New York Stock Exchange.

The White House was ripped by Greek-Americans over its lax observance of Greek Independence Day Wednesday. The leaders couldn't get through security. People who have a history of throwing dishes have been banned since the Clintons left the White House.

Hillary Clinton said Wednesday that Americans share the blame for the Mexican border drug violence because we buy the drugs and sell the guns. Hold the outrage. These are the only two industries which haven't asked the U.S. government for a bailout.

President Obama appointed former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker to head a commission to study rebalancing the tax code. You know what that means. The stock market went up a hundred and eighty points on the news that the president wasn't going to do anything.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress for authority to break contracts made by large businesses that could put the financial system at risk. He wants the U.S. government to run the financial industry. If it goes as well as the Post Office, public schools and NASA we will all end up getting our car loans from Osama bin Laden.

NASA reports that astronauts working outside the orbiting Space Station Monday were forced to dodge space junk hurtling toward them. They possess unbelievable courage and optimism. The astronauts regularly return to Earth and they have a choice.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-29-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Yankees announced plans to chop up old Yankee Stadium and sell it in little pieces. Fans can trade the pieces of rubble forever. That is, they can if they can find anybody who didn't spend their entire rubble budget on mortgage-backed securities.

United Technologies CEO George David testified at his divorce trial in Hartford Tuesday. He said his beautiful Swedish wife raped him twice. A little more of this testimony and he'll be able to pay the divorce settlement by selling the movie rights.

Nevada lawmakers may add a five-dollar sex tax on every act of prostitution in the state's legal brothels. It's a sex tax. It makes you wonder, how many times does a taxpayer have to be screwed before he straightens up his life and moves to Utah.

The White House sent agents to the Mexican border Thursday to halt the flow of cocaine. The cartel is devious. They know young people are too smart to go near the evil powder but they think Baby Boomers will relapse once the housing market rebounds.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton flew to Mexico City on Wednesday to address the border drug violence. No one in Washington D.C. can really say anything about it. Democrats have all done cocaine and Republicans have all laundered cocaine money.

Hillary Clinton said America's appetite for cocaine is causing the Mexico drug violence. It is said that the U.S. spends more on cocaine than on pizza and French fries. Imagine how awful the obesity epidemic would be if we weren't losing weight on the Disco Diet.

The European Parliament's president called President Obama's economic recovery plan a path to hell Wednesday. Actually it's only one of many paths. The fastest path to hell is to handcuff yourself to Bernie Madoff and follow him from here on out.

President Obama was on Capitol Hill Wednesday to urge moderate Democrats to back his budget bill. Each baby born in the U.S. now owes eighteen thousand dollars in debt. A month ago Americans were furious at Nadya Suleman for having eight babies, but today she's the only thing standing between Social Security and insolvency.

President Obama told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday that a year ago he would never have guessed that Iraq would become the least of his problems. He was just happy to be elected leader of the free world. It's icing on the cake that he can seize the banks.

The White House sent liberal groups door-to-door Saturday to urge passage of the budget bill. It's an all-out push. To build support for the package, the Secretary of the Treasury will meet with small businesses--General Electric, AIG and General Motors.

The White House said in a memo Tuesday the War on Terror will now be called Overseas Contingency Operations. Homeland Security is calling the World Trade Center attack a man-caused disaster. Fear-mongering language is only appropriate when you want to raise taxes and take over health care, not when you want to invade the wrong country.

The NFL owners voted Tuesday to ban blockers on kickoff returns from forming flying wedges. Owners don't want to mindlessly satisfy the blood lust of the crowd. That move to confiscate executive bonuses last week spooked every rich guy in the country.

EU Parliament member Daniel Hannan of England became a conservative star Wednesday with a grandiloquent denunciation of Prime Minister Gordon Brown for overspending. It made many wistful. Republicans could have had the next great conservative president of the United States but they had to go and sign that damned Declaration of Independence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Alex Rodriguez was named Monday as a client of a New York call-girl ring while he dated strippers and Madonna. This could help him. It backs up the story he told baseball investigators that the track marks on his arm are from penicillin injections.

Bud Selig vowed Monday to force the best U.S. ballplayers into next year's World Baseball Classic after we were eliminated by Japan this year. It was the same story. Japan copied the designs of American players and now they can make them for half the price.

Special Relationship starring Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Julianne Moore as Hillary begins filming in July about the Lewinsky scandal. It faces delays. The producers want to audition two hundred more actresses for the role of Monica Lewinsky.

Hillary Clinton rushed to Mexico City Wednesday to meet with Mexico's president about the drug violence on the border. Cocaine is exactly like any Latin American presidency. It gives you the sensation of absolute power but only for fifteen minutes.

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd arrived at the White House for meetings on Tuesday. He landed in America not a moment too soon. He wanted to speak to people who love liberty and let them know that Australia is just a thirteen-hour flight away.

Congress held hearings on the AIG bailout on Capitol Hill Tuesday as lawmakers took turns blasting the bailout and the bonuses. No one's ever seen the public so angry at Wall Street. Things are so bad Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting.

New Yorker magazine's Seymour Hersh said Dick Cheney ran an assassination squad out of the White House which operated overseas. Never believe guys who say it's a sacrifice to work in government. In the private sector all you have are video games.

President Obama held a prime time press conference Tuesday in the East Room of the White House. He gave very long and dull and detailed answers to each question. It was such a drone that al-Qaeda terrorists listening on the radio dove for cover.

President Obama told reporters Tuesday that his budget will build a foundation for economic recovery. He warned it could get worse before it gets better. Things are so tough that even people not in Obama's administration aren't paying their taxes.

President Obama ordered hip-hop and rap music added to Air Force One's musical playlist Monday. It will be pumped over the plane's in-cabin sound system. To prevent violence against women, the flight attendants will be armed with pepper spray.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress Tuesday for the power to seize any company he deems is failing and claim it for the Treasury. It was just a slight miscommunication. Last week when Tim Geithner heard the president call him the finest treasury secretary since Alexander Hamilton, he thought he said Czar Alexander.

The PGA will honor former President George H.W. Bush at the Players Championship in May at Sawgrass. His love of the game is legendary. The moment he got word that Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait he asked the next three groups if he could play through.

Madagascar's president was overthrown in a coup Monday led by the island's most popular radio talk show host. It's amazing. To most people Madagascar is a remote island nation in the Indian Ocean but to Rush Limbaugh, it's a shining city on a hill.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

NASA astronauts had to duck outside the Space Station Sunday when all sorts of space junk just missed them in orbit. It had to happen. Five years ago Fannie Mae loaned money to the entire universe and now it's coming back in pieces to kill us all.

The NCAA tournament headed to Indianapolis for the Sweet Sixteen brackets this week. It goes from sixty-four to thirty-two to sixteen to eight to four to two to one. It was a lot more fun before we did this year-round with our retirement accounts.

The PGA Tour dropped Stanford Financial as its Memphis tournament sponsor last week over its securities fraud probe. This isn't going away, Jesse Jackson just flew to Memphis to protest the exclusion of financial advisors from Southern country clubs.

India launched the world's cheapest automobile called the Nano on Monday, priced at under two thousand dollars. It's a good investment. Hindus believe if the Nano leads a good life on the roads it'll come back in its next life as a Bentley.

New York City enjoyed an unseasonably warm Saturday when spring arrived on the calendar. The day marked the return of many migratory birds which had flown south in September. You didn't want to be under them when they asked how their money was doing.

AIG executives agreed Monday to give back the bonuses they received. For one long week news anchors kept railing about all the public outrage in America. No one knows if they're mad about the bonuses, the bailouts, the budget or just because everybody is supposed to be out of work and the traffic is just as bad as it ever was.

Disneyland will premiere its new It's a Small World ride this week in Southern California after two years of renovations. They do a great job of keeping the theme park up-to-date. Tomorrowland has been turned into a scale model of Mexico City.

Barney Frank called Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe in a interview Monday. A gay prostitution ring once operated out of the congressman's basement. The ring paid no taxes and made a ton of money but Barney Frank learned nothing from the experience.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner released his plan to buy up toxic bank assets in partnership with private equity firms Monday, causing the Dow Jones to skyrocket five hundred points. He is smarter than everybody thinks. He'd pretty much have to be.

President Obama laughed at the plight of auto workers on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday after he joked about the Special Olympics on Leno. He laughs at the worst things. Thank goodness the Founding Fathers gave us a vice president to go to foreign funerals.

The National Association of Realtors revealed Monday that home sales rose five percent last month nationwide. It was the biggest jump in six years. Jesus just got bumped from the Easter pageant to celebrate the resurrection of the housing market.

President Obama was urged Monday to order troops to the Mexican border to stop the drug cartels. This is no way to get the economy to recover. The Dallas Cowboys finally got clean and sober and Jerry Jones can't sell a luxury box to save his soul.

Wall Street soared Monday on news the Treasury Department was going to partner with speculators and buy up bad mortgage debt. First the government criticized Wall Street for taking too much risk and now the government wants Wall Street to take a risk on them. Nobody likes a reckless investor until they start a business themselves.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Japan and Korea made the World Baseball Classic finals Monday. The U.S. team was eliminated by Japan Sunday. Wall Street went up five hundred points the next day on the belief that getting clobbered by Japan on a Sunday means the depression's finally over.

Today Show host Matt Lauer missed work Monday after a bicycle he was riding hit a deer on the road and he went flying over his handlebars and dislocated his collarbone. The deer could be in lots of trouble. Matt Lauer works on an endangered network.

The FDA faced demands to improve food inspections Monday. Last week one banana shipment hid cocaine and another bunch had a spider whose bite causes male arousal. All these warnings that we're becoming a banana republic didn't tell us the good part.

Playboy closed its New York office Monday to cut costs and centralize business operations out of Chicago. Hugh Hefner put the mansion he owns next to the Playboy Mansion up for sale. They could cut the clothing allowance but it wouldn't save much.

Madagascar had a coup Sunday in which the president of the Indian Ocean nation was overthrown by a radio announcer. A disc jockey overthrew a president. In his first national broadcast he abolished parliament and gave a weather and traffic report.

President Obama met with the Soviet Union's final president, Mikhail Gorbachev, Friday in Washington D.C. There was a hint of the old Cold War tension in the room. Gorbachev wants royalties for Obama's economic plan or he's going to sue for plagiarism.

Mexico's drug cartels were reported Monday to be diversifying their operations on the border. They are moving into the lucrative field of human smuggling. You can't believe how much corporate executives will pay for safe passage out of this country.

Curt Schilling retired from baseball Monday and stated he's proud he never put a foreign substance in his body. He may run for Congress. He so clean he hasn't even been elected yet and already he has been drafted to chair the House Ethics Committee.

CBS' 60 Minutes reporter Steve Kroft asked Barack Obama if he was punch-drunk on Sunday when he laughed at the auto industry's plight. The president said it was gallows humor. Three months after the World Trade Center attack, Mayor Giuliani told us it was okay to laugh again and now Barack Obama is telling us it's okay to do rope jokes.

President Obama on Sunday proposed a cap on executive salaries in all publicly traded corporations in the United States. This idea will never make it through Congress. All the executives have to do is tell Barney Frank that they won't be able to afford to make campaign contributions and the salary cap will die in committee.

North Dakota prepared for Red River flooding Monday by letting children out of school to help with sandbagging. Union members from coast to coast were confused by this story. How does sitting around with a doughnut in your hand prevent flooding?

Tiffany jewelers announced Monday that profits were down seventy-five percent in the fourth quarter. They said they couldn't sell their high-priced items. A lot of men just decided it was cheaper to get a divorce while the house was worth nothing.

President Obama nominated former Freddie Mac executive David Stevens to be the next head of the Federal Housing Commission. He was in charge of affordable lending at Freddie Mac. He's responsible for such a bubble that the props from the Lawrence Welk show have to be taken out of storage for his confirmation hearings.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama said Sunday he's closing Guantanamo no matter what Dick Cheney says about it. The problem of where to put the detainees is easily solved. We've got empty bank vaults from coast to coast and they will be safer there than the money was.

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey challenged Barack Obama to bowl Friday. It's no contest. The disabled grocery worker has bowled a three hundred five times, but let's see him make the stock market drop three hundred points a day like the president does.

President Obama upset many Thursday when he told Jay Leno his bowling was what you'd see in the Special Olympics. The lack of sensitivity was jaw-dropping. We thought we elected an intelligent guy and it turns out we've got a Teleprompter Savant.

The Treasury Department's auto advisor Steven Rattner said Saturday that GM and Chrysler will need billions more to survive. The two automakers have submitted rescue plans that just might work. They're going to stop making cars and become banks.

Countess Marie Douglas-David admitted during her divorce trial with United Technologies CEO George David that she had an affair with a Swedish fencing instructor. Don't worry, the husband isn't lonely. CEOs can't go anywhere without their parole officers.

German police said a supermarket clerk found sixty pounds of cocaine packed in a crate of bananas Friday. What a mix-up. If you thought that chimp in Connecticut was angry a month ago, wait til he gets his shipment and there's nothing in it but bananas.

Charles Barkley's reality show about his golf swing is a huge hit for the Golf Channel. The show follows him everywhere. He's seen packing six cases of Miller Lite for a trip to Scotland, although two of them may have been for the trip to the airport.

Wal-Mart reported Friday that it's doing huge business keeping Americans clothed, as McDonald's reported great business keeping Americans fed. The recovery has begun. Even chiropractors in New York City are doing land office business treating bonus backlash.

Nancy Pelosi told a Hispanic crowd last Saturday that enforcing U.S. immigration law is un-American. The voters won't be happy with that. Millions of Americans are out of work right now, but millions of illegal immigrants could be out of work even cheaper.

Senator Chris Dodd was caught covering for the White House Tuesday when he said he didn't know who inserted the AIG bailouts in the stimulus bill. He admitted the next day he inserted it himself under administration pressure. He was spinning so fast and so hard that storm chasers were following him with cars and video cameras.

The National Mall in Washington was the site of antiwar protests Saturday. The Bush administration started the war six years ago because they said Saddam Hussein was a tyrant and a murderer. Over sixty years the CIA never installed one philosopher.

The Pentagon said Friday a U.S. Navy submarine collided with a U.S. Navy destroyer in the Persian Gulf. You know what the investigators will find. We'd better table bank regulations and get some rules on cellphones and texting before we hit a Russian.

The New York Times reports Sunday that President Obama is planning to regulate salaries paid by every company in the financial services industry. Already he's insulted Britain and Special Olympians while making nice to Iran and North Korea. One more week of this and everybody's going to be searching for the birth certificate.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff lost his bid Friday to be let out of prison until his June sentencing date. He cheated investors out of sixty billion dollars. However, according to a provision in the stimulus bill, he will get to keep his bonus.

Michael Phelps issued another apology Tuesday for getting photographed smoking pot out of a bong pipe. He was suspended from competitive swimming because of it. He was such a role model that the next day thousands of young people gave up swimming.

Duplicity starring Clive Owen and Julia Roberts opened huge Thursday. They play two secret agents who swindle two corporations out of billions. In the original script they swindled evil oil sheiks, but the test audiences weren't mad enough at them.

San Francisco unveiled new luxury commuter buses aimed at wealthy suburbanites Friday. They offer you the opportunity to talk on the phone, read the newspaper, eat breakfast and enjoy a little wine on the way to work. It's exactly the same as driving.

South Oak Cliff High School in Dallas was accused Thursday of arranging for boys to fight each other bare-knuckled inside a steel cage. It wasn't the fighting that's caused all the outrage. It was the Dallas Cowboys around the cage placing bets.

President Obama told Jay Leno Thursday his bowling style was something you see in the Special Olympics. His core supporters blanched. Democrats were embarrassed that he made fun of special-needs kids, and Episcopalians were mortified that he bowls.

The U.S. Army met its recruiting goal for the year Friday because so many troops are re-enlisting. You can't blame them. They just turned Iraq from a dictatorship into a land of freedom and democracy, but the United States is just too big a challenge.

The U.S. Census Bureau announced Tuesday that over four million babies were born last year in America. We need every one of them to pay down this debt we're running up. The moment they're born the doctor slaps them with a sixty percent tax rate.

The Congressional Budget Office said Friday the new budget deficit will be two trillion dollars higher than the six trillion dollar previous estimate, due to the Fed pumping a trillion into bank securities. We're getting so jaded hearing all these numbers. Bill Gates's wife is thinking about dumping him for somebody with real money.

Whole Foods workers in Tulsa found a poisonous Brazilian spider in a crateload of bananas Friday. The venom causes prolonged erections. They're scary because when somebody must suck the poison out of the bite, you find out who your real friends are.

Vermont's state Senate passed a same-sex marriage bill Friday. Massachusetts and Connecticut are the only other states where gays can marry. It's only a matter of time before the New England Patriots change their name to the New England Disco Balls.

President Obama sent a video holiday greeting to the people of Iran Friday. The Iranian government responded by ridiculing the American president. If it gets any more like the Seventies the Marine Band is going to have to learn Bee Gees tunes.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown tried to watch the movie DVDs President Obama gave him, but they were the wrong format for Britain. However, the president has a very nice gift to give the prime minister when he goes to London next month to make it up to him. Since Barack Obama became president, twenty states have decided to rejoin the British Empire.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.


###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-22-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama goes on CBS' 60 Minutes this evening after doing the Tonight Show and ESPN last week. He thinks it reassures people to see him. He's on pace to become the first president outside of Zimbabwe to have his face on the trillion dollar bill.

President Obama held a town hall meeting in Los Angeles Wednesday. He now sees why we're so cheerful in California. He wasn't here ten minutes before he was pre-approved for a second mortgage on the White House to take cash out for a new kitchen.

The Federal Reserve poured a trillion dollars Thursday into buying up mortgage-backed securities from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. These agencies backstop risky home loans while the executives take huge bonuses and give big campaign contributions to lawmakers. Bernie Madoff can't believe he's in jail while Freddie and Fannie walk free.

Congress released the hounds on AIG executives Thursday and slapped a punitive ninety-percent income tax on the company bonuses. It's no more constitutional than beheading George W. Bush. Not everything that sounds like a good idea is constitutional.

President Obama took responsibility for the AIG bailout Wednesday and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner took the blame. Republicans in Washington are popping open the champagne. This is the first thing since Monica Lewinsky that Bush didn't do.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner faced calls to resign from members of Congress Friday. He's still had no assistants confirmed. If he leaves, they will have a vacancy rate in the Treasury Department that can stack up against any office building in the country.

The Chicago Cubs made plans Tuesday to retire the number thirty-one. The honor will be shared by the greats who wore the number. The team will honor Greg Maddux for his wins, Ferguson Jenkins for his strikeouts and Baskin and Robbins for the consolation.

Swedish countess Marie Douglas-David demanded millions each month in alimony from United Technologies founder George David. He's sixty-seven and she's thirty-six, but his new wife is even younger. Nancy Grace has been looking for that child for six months.

Playboy announced Thursday that Hugh Hefner is planning to sell the mansion he owns next door to the famed Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills in Los Angeles. The home is reported to have a hole in the backyard fence. The police are looking into it.

The Transition flying car was successfully tested in New York Friday. It's got wings that fold down from the car's sides and it takes flight at one hundred miles an hour. The FBI now has to spot Muslim terrorists when they enroll in traffic school.

Pope Benedict began his Africa trip Thursday by meeting with Muslim leaders in Cameroon. It's the pope's first trip to Africa and his first meeting with Muslims. Performers love to go where no one has ever heard their material before.

Justice Department nominee and abortion rights activist Dawn Johnsen underwent confirmation hearings Thursday for assistant Attorney General. She has compared pregnancy to slavery. Pregnancy is nothing like slavery, those are just stretch marks.

Alaskan Lance Mackey won his third straight Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race last week, becoming the race's third three-time winner. It's an eleven hundred mile dash across the Yukon. Only my stockbroker ever had more dogs drag him into the wilderness.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was revealed Tuesday to have received six-figure donations from AIG last year. He's quick as a cat. He rushed to Los Angeles, where people think AIG's the sound a woman makes when the director whispers into her ear that she got the part.

Pope Benedict announced Monday the Roman Catholic Church is opposed to the use of condoms to help in the global fight against AIDS. The pope's opposition makes total sense. You can't expect a Notre Dame fan to say anything nice about the Trojans.

Advertising Age said Tuesday that the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in advertising. It's money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world's second-favorite indoor sport, but the other one's got more spectators on the Internet.

Alex Rodriguez posed shirtless and kissing himself in the mirror in a magazine layout. There's a lesson here. Making a quarter of a billion dollars playing baseball doesn't bring you happiness if what you really want to be is a Calvin Klein model.

Nancy Pelosi gave a speech in support of illegal aliens in a San Francisco church Saturday night. It was nice of the church to hide them. They're only looking for jobs and they were just stopping off in America for the night on their way to Canada.

The World Bank said Monday the Third World could collapse into anarchy without a new bailout. Nothing could prevent it. Now that President Obama can see the logic behind colonialism he is sorrier than ever he gave back that bust of Winston Churchill.

President Obama's TelePrompTer malfunctioned Tuesday and the president thanked himself for honoring Ireland's leader. Someone should fix that thing. Later that night he fired his wife and told Tim Geithner he had a headache and wasn't in the mood.

Bank of America was ordered Wednesday to disclose the bonuses given by Merrill Lynch to traders just before the bailouts arrived. It's causing a mutiny in the U.S. Army. Paratroopers won't even bail out of an airplane for fear of a taxpayer backlash.

President Obama ducked questions Wednesday about his knowledge of the AIG bonuses for its financial products sales team. He may be in real trouble once Americans learn all about credit default swaps and mortgage-backed securities. After O.J. Simpson taught us all about DNA evidence, Bill Clinton couldn't talk his way out of anything.

AIG Chairman Ed Liddy testified in Congress with ease and command in Wednesday's hearings. He volunteered to head up AIG after it collapsed and he's saving the company. It turns out that to get the best people all you have to pay is one dollar a year.

President Obama appeared in a town-hall meeting in Costa Mesa Wednesday an hour after Air Force One touched down on the west coast. Costa Mesa is one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in all of Southern California. Meth labs are a recession-proof business.

The White House asked the networks to televise a series of Fireside Chats with Barack Obama in prime time this spring. He wants it both ways. He wants to be on prime time every week without the brutal rehearsal necessary to be on Dancing with the Stars.

President Obama compared Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to Alexander Hamilton Wednesday. He often compares himself to Lincoln. If he doesn't stop talking about great men who died by gunshot, the Secret Service is going to arrest him as a threat to the president.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez was ordered to rest for the entire week after the slugger was injured Monday. It's really too bad. Last week Manny Ramirez got a forty-five million dollar bonus and the Treasury Department broke both his legs.

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa said Monday AIG workers should either resign or commit suicide for running the company into the ground and then taking performance bonuses. He speaks for all of Congress. These are the guys who just ran up eleven trillion dollars in debt, bankrupted the nation and then voted themselves a pay raise.

The White House and Congress vowed to find a way to cancel unpopular contracts Monday. They'll be sorry. We can't cancel English common law, just returning the bust of Winston Churchill made the stock market sink two thousand points in two weeks.

General Motors announced Monday it's already sold out its first run of fourteen thousand new V-6 three-hundred-horsepower Camaros. The marketing research finally came back. Americans wish the planet the best, but little cars are for little countries.

March Madness begins today as the NCAA basketball tournament begins. Everybody watches it at work on their office computers. The only time business for online porn is any slower is when a Washington sex scandal pulls the audience over to C-SPAN.

The St. Patrick's Day Parade marched up Fifth Avenue in New York on Tuesday. It was a grand day for Irish-Americans. By six o'clock in the morning parade-goers were standing on the sidewalk six-deep for forty blocks, and that's just the beer line.

President Obama does Jay Leno's Tonight Show tonight with Garth Brooks. That's one segment of monologue, four segments of depression and a ballad. Only Captain Sully Sullenberger can keep the flight path of this show from killing everyone aboard.

The American Legion ripped a White House plan to shift wounded veterans' health care costs to a soldier's own private insurance. No one can believe this is a serious proposal. It's so profoundly stupid that people are thinking Barack Obama was kidnapped on election night and replaced by a robot from the makers of Dan Quayle.

TelePrompTer inventor Hubert Schlafly was voted into the Cable Television Hall of Fame. His invention lets politicians and newscasters look smoother and more charming. Hub Schlafly's in the Hall of Fame right next to the inventors of dynamite and derivatives.

The White House sent reinforcements to the Mexican border on Tuesday to battle the drug violence that's spilling over. They've ordered thirty-seven ATF agents to cover hundreds of miles. That's ridiculous, have they already declared tobacco a drug?

Mexico slapped a tariff on U.S. goods Monday after Congress cut off Mexican trucks' access to the U.S. It's a lesson for us. Two years ago we were resentful of all the immigrant construction workers, and today we'd be grateful for the sound of hammering.

An Iraqi soccer player was shot dead during a match in Baghdad Sunday. He was just about to kick the tying goal on a penalty shot. It was a big mistake to open a sports book in Baghdad before they had the metal detectors installed at the stadium.

George W. Bush said Tuesday he'll write a memoir about his twelve toughest decisions. He invaded Iraq even though it had nothing to do with the Twin Tower attacks. He now realizes the best way to protect New York would have been to invade the London offices of AIG.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street held firm Monday after four straight winning stock sessions. Folks feel like they can make money again. Last month six hundred thousand people were laid off, which greatly increases your odds of winning the NCAA tournament office pool.

America's Next Top Model was holding open auditions Sunday when tens of thousands of models stampeded on the street outside the studio in Manhattan. It was a sign of the economy. Every woman who hasn't eaten in three weeks now thinks she is a model.

Phil Mickelson won at Doral Sunday despite food poisoning from calamari he ate Friday. He finally ate a peanut butter sandwich on Sunday. Phil's known for his reckless play on the golf course but the man was risking his life eating peanut butter.

The Treasury Department began examining the financial assets of Bernie Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, Monday. She has jewelry, yachts, a Palm Beach mansion and fifty million in municipal bonds. She's an ideal mark for a con man, but we knew that already.

The Los Angeles Lakers were accused of planning to lose late-season games to avoid playing the Portland Trailblazers in the playoffs. L.A. fans are very upset. There's something unseemly about losing on purpose just to get a bonus from AIG.

The White House went berserk over AIG traders getting bonuses Monday. They sold insurance on mortgage-backed securities backed by bad loans. They pulled off such an illusion that they were all lucky they weren't eaten by a white tiger in Las Vegas.

President Obama vowed Monday to go after AIG traders who got bonuses. He wants to ruin them. If they spend the hundred and sixty-five million they could stimulate the economy and get us out of this crisis before Obama has time to pass his health care plan.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke sounded cautious about the economy Sunday. He could be forced to call out the military. After he fixes the banks, he's got to bring in a few drunken sailors to coach the American consumers back to their old spending habits.

Major League umpires started a training camp Monday to teach U.S. Marines who've just returned from Iraq how to umpire ballgames. It's a crash course. It's the first sign that the ballplayers aren't giving up steroids when we have to bring in the Marines to keep sectarian violence from breaking out between the Yankees and Red Sox.

The National Action on Obesity group urged schools Monday to save kids by seizing the soda and candy in their lunchboxes. This worship of children must stop. You always hear about deadbeat dads but you never hear about the kids who simply aren't worth the child support.

President Obama will appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show Thursday while he's in Los Angeles. It's a good idea. President Obama wants to try out some new policy ideas and this way he can find out if they get laughs before he springs them on Wall Street.

Dick Cheney ripped the Obama administration in an interview Sunday. He accused them of exploiting a crisis to vastly expand the power of the federal government. Dick Cheney recognized the trick right away, it didn't take a building to fall on him.

The Getty Museum in Los Angeles faced cuts Monday as the Getty Trust announced investment losses. Art is a mirror to every culture's soul. The French use art to glorify love, Italians use art to glorify God, and Anglo-Saxons prefer self-portraits.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosted a meeting with Brazil's president at the White House on Saturday to discuss U.S.-Brazilian trade. It caused nationwide alarm when Americans heard about the meeting. We've blown past trillions and now we're spending Brazilians.

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez sold his New York apartment Friday for ten million dollars. The team just took out an insurance policy requiring him to live out of town. He has enough injury problems without being hit by a falling stockbroker.

The Ellis Island Library just honored a couple who emigrated to America fifty years ago for their civic contributions to New York. They raised two sons. The first is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one's in prison too.

Bernard Madoff faced one hundred fifty years in prison Thursday after pleading guilty to stock fraud. Prison has its advantages. There's no rent, the food's free and you don't have to get up in the middle of the night to see if the door is locked.

Beverly Hills pawnbrokers reported booming business Friday from local residents pawning their fine art and jewelry and Bentleys. It's a great place to see a star. One tourist walked into the pawn shop and saw Liza Minnelli, for eight hundred dollars.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner flew to London to discuss banking reform last week. The administration wants to end tax havens for tax fugitives. All they have to do is change the locks on the White House Cabinet room and they'll be flushed out into the hallway.

The White House admitted Saturday that President Obama made a mistake returning the bust of Winston Churchill to Britain. The establishment was mortified. Just like Jesus, President Obama's turning out to be a lot more like his father than his mother.

The Boston Tea Party Society called upon Americans to send teabags to Congress Saturday to protest huge spending and higher taxes. Be sure and send decaffeinated tea bags. Every time Congress stays up past midnight they vote themselves a pay raise.

Venezuela and Cuba offered air bases to Russia Friday for their bombers to use when patrolling the Western Hemisphere. It's nerve wracking. We've never had a president face a Russian military threat in this hemisphere without Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel.

Forbes listed cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its billionaires list. Sales of cocaine are always good when the economy is lousy. Its side effects include a rush of euphoria, a feeling of invincibility for fifteen minutes, and one-term presidencies.

The White House considered sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border Saturday. The Texas National Guard could be called up for possible combat duty. Maybe it wasn't a speaking engagement that brought George W. Bush to Canada this month.

Senator David Vitter ordered flight attendants to open a just-closed airplane door last week when he arrived at a gate late. He got belligerent when they refused, so they called security and identified him as he ran off. Senators who get caught in prostitution scandals should never assume that flight attendants won't recognize them.

The White House declared Friday that captured al-Qaeda fighters will no longer be referred to as enemy combatants. Two weeks ago the administration eliminated the term War on Terror and ordered the shutdown of Guantanamo. Osama bin Laden released an audiotape on Saturday ordering all his followers to enjoy a Happy St. Patrick's Day.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty in New York on Thursday. What a crook. After Bernie Madoff told the court how he convinced investors he could double their money with no risk, the judge wrote him a check for ten thousand dollars.

Charles Barkley's swing is being fixed by Tiger Woods' coach Hank Haney on the Golf Channel. His golf swing is off-balance, wild, halting and herky-jerky. The show's only aired twice and already he has been offered the job of Deputy Treasury Secretary.

Mattel marked the fiftieth anniversary of the Barbie doll Friday. She's a role model for California girls. Barbie has large plastic breasts, she hasn't gained an ounce since high school, and she always gets somebody else to buy her house and car for her.

President Obama dedicated Abraham Lincoln Hall at Fort McNair Thursday. Young people are mystified by all of Obama's references to Abe Lincoln. If Lincoln were that good a president, there would be a Toyota named after him instead of a Ford.

President Obama killed a stock market rally Friday by going on television with another economic announcement. It happens every time. The White House has stopped releasing the president's speaking schedule because it just tips off the short-sellers.

The Wall Street Journal was reported Tuesday to be adding a sports section. Do we want traders studying sports statistics all day? In two weeks they'll figure out they can improve the markets by injecting steroids into the seats on the Exchange.

GOP Chairman Michael Steele angered Republicans Thursday when he said abortion is an individual choice. That's party heresy. It would be like the chairman of the Democratic Party calling for banks to run credit checks on people applying for a loan.

Japan vowed Saturday to shoot down any rocket that North Korea test-fires over Japan next month. There's a reason that Tokyo announced its intentions so far in advance. Japan doesn't want to live through another sixty years of sneak attack jokes.

The Sears Tower in Chicago was renamed after Willis Group Holdings after Sears' naming rights expired on the one hundred and ten story skyscraper. The building is very secure. Osama bin Laden didn't go near it for fear of angering the Capone family.

The White House announced Friday it's considering a plan to ship the Guantanamo terror suspects currently housed in the Navy prison to Saudi Arabia. It's the best place to send them. Saudi Arabia's GI benefits package is among the best in the world.

Forbes magazine listed Mexico's cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on their annual billionaires list. He's quite a shrewd businessman. Just by keeping his cash out of banks and the stock market, he sailed by two thousand people from last year's list.

Homeland Security sent agents to the Mexican border Friday in response to drug cartel violence. The effort to stem the violence at the border is hampered on two fronts. They can't figure out who's responsible for all the assassinations and beheadings, and they can't figure out where the United States ends and Mexico begins.

Transocean offshore drilling company announced in Houston it is re-locating to Switzerland to avoid paying U.S. tax hikes and complying with U.S. carbon taxes. A tiny farming town near Zurich cut taxes and now has gleaming office towers, shopping malls and a housing boom. President Obama is thinking of bombing it for being a bad example.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-15-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

March Madness arrives Sunday with the annual selection of the participants for this year's tournament. It's a ritual. There are sixty-four, then there are thirty-two, then there are sixteen, then there are eight, and then Nadya Suleman gives birth.

Bernie Madoff was jailed Thursday after he pleaded guilty to defrauding people out of sixty-five billion dollars. It's the end of a long legal process. You knew Bernie Madoff was crooked when prosecutors brought in Paula Jones to identify him.

New York prosecutors got Bernie Madoff's bail revoked Thursday, resulting in the swindler going to jail until sentencing. This isn't the way it was supposed to turn out. It was the money that was supposed to be under lock and key, not the fund manager.

Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for Broadway musicals and Social Security.

President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners.

NASA ordered Space Station astronauts into the escape capsule on Thursday when a junked rocket engine approached at five miles per second. They thought they were out of harm's way up there. They were well above the orbit of the Canadian geese.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg was rated the richest man in New York Thursday. His media company's made four billion dollars since the crash. Selling business news during a stock market scare is more lucrative than the soft drink concession at the Betty Ford Center.

Iraqi shoe thrower Muntazer al-Zaidi got three years in prison Thursday. He threw two shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Baghdad. They could have given him ten years in prison, but they took off seven years for having a good point.

The Pentagon sent an unmanned Predator drone over Pakistan airspace on Wednesday. It fired a missile, killing eight suspected terrorists. When everybody in the world wanted America to close Guantanamo they didn't think we'd have a Plan B ready this fast.

President Obama spoke to business leaders meeting in Washington Thursday and promised to maintain free trade overseas. He won't raise protective tariffs. The idea is to give the U.S. auto industry no other option but to build a better car.

West Virginia was named the unhappiest state by the Gallup Poll Thursday, followed by Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee and Oklahoma. Can you blame them? Every day you turn on the television, it's another worshipful story about Abe Lincoln.

New York's Assembly may put a ten-dollar tax on strip club customers when they visit a topless bar. They also have a bill to tax Internet downloads from porn websites. Churches are next if the choir robes don't go all the way down to the ankles.

President Obama signed an executive order Monday restoring federal funding for embryonic stem cell research, however he did ban human cloning. There goes his last chance of filling vacancies in the Treasury Department. If you think one Tim Geithner was crashing the stock market, imagine the damage that five of them could do.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Palm Springs invited college kids to spend spring break there instead of Mexico next week. It's much safer. The students will be welcomed warmly by the people who live in Palm Springs as long as they don't criticize President Eisenhower's policies.

Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to swindling victims out of fifty billion dollars and faces one hundred fifty years in jail. That's not enough time. Thanks to embryonic stem cell research, Bernie Madoff's best years could still be ahead of him.

The FBI said Wednesday it found performance-enhancing substances on syringes used to inject Roger Clemens. The pitcher began his career during the cocaine era, he was a star in the Clinton era, and he ended his career in the steroid era. His won-loss record over that span shows that nothing is better for your career than adultery.

The World Baseball Classic got started in Canada Friday with nations from all over the world competing. It's fun to watch people from other cultures enjoy the game. The Arab outfielders don't just overthrow the cutoff man, they topple his statue.

Charles Barkley was described as a model prisoner by the Phoenix sheriff after he served three days for drunken driving Monday. While in jail he did nothing out of the ordinary and said nothing quotable. It illustrates the dangers of not drinking.

President Obama signed a spending bill into law Wednesday with reservations. He issued a signing statement saying he won't be bound by the law's limit on U.S. soldiers in U.N. missions. Only Will Ferrell does a better impression of President Bush.

Michael Jackson announced last week he'll perform concerts in London. However, no insurance company will insure him or his concerts. The last time an insurance company covered Michael Jackson they needed a federal bailout to pay off the parents.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was revealed Monday to be using Air Force planes as her personal taxi service. She just wrote the four hundred billion dollar spending bill. Speaker Pelosi keeps her girlish figure by exercising every night on the Budget Buster.

President Obama signed a budget bill with nearly nine thousand congressional earmarks Wednesday despite his campaign pledge to end earmarks. He said these are the last earmarks he will sign. Cigarette smokers always say this is going to be the last one.

Policy Review editorialized Monday that food and sex have switched places over the past forty years in American morality. We used to be monogamous but ate anything, while today you must eat only correct food but you can sleep with anyone. This could explain why the average price at a Las Vegas buffet is now two hundred dollars.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford likened President Obama's fiscal policies to Zimbabwe's Tuesday and warned we could get hyperinflation like Zimbabwe's. His meaning is clear. Leave it to South Carolina to fire the first shot in every Civil War.

Islamic extremist groups from Somalia were reported Monday to be recruiting in Minneapolis, where there's a large Somali population. Nobody in Minnesota minds the terrorists moving to their state. Until the Senate race is decided, every vote counts.

Newsweek's Howard Fineman wrote Tuesday the establishment is starting to turn on Barack Obama. Memo to the next president: give the prime minister of your nation's Mother Country a dinner. He has a million Muslims living in London to watch, and Northern Ireland is growling again, and he has no time to watch twenty-five movie DVDs.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He's got a point. If you've seen the federal deficit you will know we haven't been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor.

The Cheers bar in Boston made famous on the NBC show fired legendary bartender Eddie Doyle Monday due to slow business. He's famous for knowing everybody's name. He's just been hired by Mexico's government to identify the bodies during spring break.

The Border Patrol said Monday Americans spent forty billion dollars on cocaine last year. That's twenty billion less than Americans spent per year on cocaine back in the late Seventies. Baby Boomers now get forty percent off with the AARP card.

The Doral Open this week features the nineteen-year-old rookie Rory McIlroy of Northern Ireland. He's got superstar written all over him. As a child he patterned himself after Nick Faldo and by the time he was twelve he had twenty-five girlfriends.

Swiss gigolo Helg Sgarbi went to jail for blackmailing a German billionairess with sex videos he taped of them without her knowledge. She should have smelled a rat by the mood music the Swiss playboy played. It was the William Kiss and Tell Overture.

Al-Qaeda's Ali al-Marri made his first U.S. court appearance Tuesday. He plotted cyber attacks on banks eight years ago. He had a plot to drive Citigroup stock down to forty dollars a share, and now we'll pay him anything if he'll tell us how to do it.

Wall Streeters regained the will to live Tuesday after the stock market soared three hundred seventy points on good news from Citigroup. Everyone is too nauseous to be happy. Stocks might not provide for your old age but they do hasten its arrival.

The Vatican announced Monday that Pope Benedict will skip the Holocaust Museum on his upcoming visit to Israel. That's understandable. He didn't want to put his thumb on the thumbprint scanner and find out that it matched anything in the exhibits.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's e-mail to the Pentagon was discovered by Judicial Watch Tuesday and it caused an uproar. In the e-mails the Speaker demanded that U.S. military jets be fueled and ready for her travel use whether she used them or not. Girls who develop early in junior high school never lose their sense of entitlement.

The Pentagon said violence in Iraq reached a six-year low Monday. The tensions ended when Sunnis and Shiites agreed to live in their own ethnic neighborhoods in Baghdad under U.S. supervision. President Obama will be in real political trouble when people find out he's using the Mississippi National Guard to enforce segregation.

The Smithsonian found a note engraved inside Abe Lincoln's pocket watch from the watchmaker, thanking God for his election. His image is so overblown. If Abe Lincoln were really a man of the people, he would have sat with them during the play.

President Obama addressed educational needs in Washington Tuesday. He proposed longer school days and more years of education. He's hoping that if you keep students out of the workforce until they're thirty-five, maybe the unemployment rate will drop.

Life Changing Ministries in South Carolina began giving out free gas cards Sunday to help out new church members hit by the economy. When Protestants tighten their belts, it's heroic. Baptists are handing out gas cards, Presbyterians are distributing used golf balls, and Episcopalians are serving domestic wine at communion.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez had arthroscopic surgery on his right hip Monday that'll take two months to heal. It brings him closer to average New Yorkers. Everybody's ass is in a sling today but he's the only one who can blame it on surgery.

George Steinbrenner's biography, George, says he financed Tonya Harding's Olympic training fifteen years ago. She used the money to pay thugs to kneecap rival Nancy Kerrigan. George was always a soft touch for anybody who reminded him of Billy Martin.

Charles Barkley was released from jail in Phoenix Monday after he'd served his three-day sentence for drunken driving. For three days he was fed and clothed and housed at public expense. This does nothing to discourage drunken driving in America.

Pocket God is a new iPhone program which allows you to play God to a tropical island in the South Seas. You can toss the natives to the sharks, you can feed them coconuts or you can shake the phone and cause a major hurricane. To a generation of young people who were taught that colonialism is wrong, it's the Sexual Revolution.

North Korea threatened war on the U.S. Monday if the U.S. Navy shoots down a North Korean missile they are test-firing over the Sea of Japan. They claim the missile can reach Hawaii. If it hits Pearl Harbor we'll be out of this depression two days later.

Chinese warships threatened to attack the unarmed USS Impeccable Monday in the China Sea. Why on earth is the U.S. sailing unarmed ships in that neighborhood? If we want the Chinese to buy our Treasury bills, we really ought to point a gun at them.

The Pentagon announced plans Monday to withdraw twelve thousand U.S. troops from Iraq and begin winding down the occupation of Iraq. However the troops won't be flying home direct. They change planes in Afghanistan and may have a ten-year layover.

L.A. octuplet mother Nadya Suleman's publicist quit in disgust Monday. The porno movie offer was the last straw. He didn't have a problem with her screwing the taxpayers of Los Angeles until she told him she is going to do it one taxpayer at a time.

Discovery Channel released a new video game called Miracle on the Hudson. Players land a plane safely on the river or crash it. The game has amusing graphics like a flock of geese, passengers waving atop the wing, and the airline's liability policy with AIG.

Swedish researchers marveled Monday at a chimpanzee that stockpiled rocks to throw at zoo visitors. The thirty-one-year-old alpha male would build a weapons cache in the morning, wait until midday and then unleash a torrent of rocks against visitors. He moved to the zoo after he lost his job as a short-seller on Wall Street.

Cal Tech confirmed Thursday that a meteor just missed earth two weeks ago. The last one struck ten million years ago and killed every dinosaur in the Middle East, where the corpses decayed into crude oil. Israel's so sorry it had a no-pets policy.

President Obama began the process of easing travel and trade restrictions with Cuba Monday. He inserted the travel and trade provisions into this week's spending bill. The president doesn't view Cuba as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section.

The London Telegraph quoted an Obama administration official saying there is nothing special about the U.S.-British relationship, and that Britain is just one of one hundred and ninety nations. People are too hard on this administration. Barack Obama already has one unbelievable accomplishment, he's repaired George W. Bush's reputation in just six weeks.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Bonnie and Clyde are profiled in a new biography called Go Down Together. They were gunned down by federal agents seventy-five years ago this week. It was back in the day when you could be shot for robbing a bank instead of getting a bonus for it.

The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico this spring break due to the drug wars. The warning went unheeded. Twenty percent of college students decided to go to Mexico for spring break, the rest are going to Mexico for a new life.

US Airways hero Sully Sullenberger discussed a book deal with publishers Friday in New York. He miraculously landed his stricken airliner on the Hudson, saving the lives of one hundred fifty-five Americans. In better times he'd be more of a hero.

NASA launched the Planet Explorer into outer space Friday to look for a planet just like Earth. It won't be easy. Its telescope will determine whether a planet is just like Earth by looking for four elements: hydrogen, oxygen, hell and a handbasket.

Alex Rodriguez decided on arthroscopic surgery for his torn labrum Sunday. The hip injury could place his entire season at risk. The New York Yankees just added a new clause to Alex Rodriguez's contract forbidding him from ever again dancing in one of Madonna's videos.

Barry Bonds sought employment from Major League teams after prosecutors delayed his steroids trial for a year. It's a chance to hire history. He'll be the first player inducted when Major League Baseball opens the Hall of Asterisks in Cooperstown.

Charles Barkley reported to a Phoenix jail Saturday to begin serving a three-day sentence for drunk driving. He shaved seven days off his sentence by enrolling in a program of alcohol education. You can't be too proud to take a bartending class.

President Obama touted his agenda for energy, education and health care to fix the economy Sunday but he still has no plan for the banking crisis. He's obeying the law. Under the Continuity in Government Act, a president can't know what he's talking about.

Barack Obama spoke Friday at a police graduation in Ohio made possible by his stimulus package. It's designed to help working families. It even includes a rebate for people who don't pay taxes, and don't you think the cabinet doesn't appreciate it.

President Obama warned Sunday that the U.S. economy isn't going to get better by year's end. People are debating whether it's better to keep money in dollars or in gold. So far dollars are winning out because they're more comfortable in the mattress.

President Obama signed an executive order Friday permitting the federal funding of embryonic stem cell research in labs. This is a big step forward. During the Bush administration scientists were limited to having Michael J. Fox date Nadya Suleman.

Mahatma Gandhi's eyeglasses, rice bowl and sandals were auctioned in New York Thursday for nearly two million dollars. Collectibles are like gold during recessions. Whenever there is inflation or a weak dollar, ballplayers who died early do very well.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a pen holder made of wood from the nineteenth century ship the HMS Gannet, which caught slave boats off the coast of Africa and freed the human cargo. Obama's gift to him was a DVD of Gone with the Wind. Gordon Brown is furious at MI-6 for not telling him that Obama was pro-slavery.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Alex Rodriguez avoided surgery for his torn labrum on Friday and opted to take painkillers. He's just had three sex scandals and a steroid revelation. He's the only hitter in Major League history who sees the ball better when he's in the tabloids.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones cut Terrell Owens from the team Thursday. The owner is out the twelve million dollar signing bonus plus the ten million a year on the contract. Terrell Owens runs like a jaguar and loses money like General Motors.

Gone with the Wind fans observed the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Margaret Mitchell novel last week. Some people have never even heard of it. Today people see Gone with the Wind on the bookstore shelves and just assume it's an investment manual.

Will Ferrell performs his one-man show as George W. Bush on HBO Saturday. After just six weeks we're already looking back at the worst president in history as those good old days. What we wouldn't give for an ill-conceived invasion right now.

Mahatma Gandhi's personal items were bought at auction in New York Thursday by an Indian beer maker and donated to India. Gandhi believed that having no material possessions grants you spiritual powers. Today he's the patron saint of Orange County.

The Interior Department removed the Grey Wolf from the endangered species list Friday. The female wolf will often roam thousands of miles looking for a suitable mate. They've tried eHarmony but the wolves they met there never picked up the check.

Somali pirates released an Egyptian cargo ship Friday after they ran its cargo back and forth to Mogadishu for two months. The ship was holding six thousand tons of fertilizer. These kids are new at cutting cocaine and you learn from your mistakes.

The White House announced Friday the unemployment rate hit eight percent. Wall Street stock prices fall every time the president goes on television. This summer Disney World will open a new ride called It's a Small World and It's Coming to an End.

President Obama signed an executive order Friday permitting the federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. The president has a plan. He wants to develop a cure for every known disease and then refuse to give it to anyone who took TARP money.

Congress voted funds to keep the U.S. government from shutting down Friday. They have car payments to make themselves. Congressmen must drive their own cars because taxicab drivers refuse to pick up passengers who are statistically likely to rob them.

Newt Gingrich gave interviews Thursday and discussed running for president in four years. He's a brilliant conservative with a history of cheating on his wives. In four years everyone'll be sick of stock market jokes and ready for the infidelity material again.

The FDIC hinted Friday it might have to borrow billions of dollars in order to insure everybody's bank deposits. The overall economy is to blame. In the last four months fifty million Americans have had to switch brokers, from to stock to pawn.

Gordon Brown gave Barack Obama a first edition biography of Winston Churchill plus a pen holder made from the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet Tuesday. In return Obama gave Brown twenty-five movie DVDs. It would have been twenty-six movie DVDs, but somebody on Obama's staff is from this country and caught the John Adams mini-series just in time.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-8-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys cut superstar receiver Terrell Owens from the team Thursday because he was such a distraction in the locker room. It won't cost the team any ticket sales at its new stadium. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

The Weather Channel reported Tuesday that Southern California rainfall threatened mudslides in Orange County hillside neighborhoods. Many of these homes are built on bluffs. One guy financed a six-bedroom house by convincing the bank that he had a job.

Mahatma Gandhi's personal items were put up for auction Thursday at an auction house in Manhattan. Items include his glasses, his sandals and his rice bowl. The mark of a truly great man is that when he dies there's nothing left for the creditors.

The FDIC warned Thursday it hasn't enough money to cover insured deposits. Real estate and stocks have tanked and now even savings are at risk. If you blew all your money on sex, drugs and gambling you can hold your head up high at the Thanksgiving table this year.

Brett Favre auctioned off his truck on eBay Thursday and even autographed the dashboard to sweeten the deal. The quarterback learned a valuable lesson from O.J. Simpson. The best way to stay out of jail is to get rid of your memorabilia in public.

Ken Starr was in the California Supreme Court on Thursday arguing on behalf of Proposition 8 banning gay marriage. He already got Bill Clinton impeached for heterosexual sex. It would appear that he's against all forms of fornication except for legal fees.

Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional earmark to study pig odor on Friday. Now's the time. They would have asked earlier, but it wasn't til the presidential candidates left that Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs.

Northern Trust Bank on Thursday returned two billion dollars in TARP money the government forced the bank to take. It's not worth the aggravation to the bankers. The next time they get their orders from Barney Frank he will be a waiter at the Palm.

Wall Street fell Thursday when the White House unveiled its health care plan. It wasn't all bad news. We've been manufacturing so much debt that the government has re-opened six closed GM plants just to have enough assembly lines to crank all it out.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano assured the nation last week that the U.S. is prepared for hurricanes and natural disasters. The secretary was criticized across the board for ignoring the biggest threat to America. Republicans were angry that she didn't mention terrorism and Democrats were angry she didn't mention Limbaugh.

President Obama defended his plan for higher taxes on the rich Wednesday. He is determined to level out the distribution of wealth in America. It wasn't historic enough for him to be our first black president, he also wants to be our first red one.

The White House announced Thursday that President Obama's not likely to accept Rush Limbaugh's invitation to debate him. Rush is like any other Republican. He does not want Obama to fail, he just wants him to stay off TV until the markets close.

The Politico newspaper in Washington D.C. said Friday that Barack Obama will not speak at all without a Teleprompter. He uses it for every event big or small and it travels with him everywhere he goes. It wasn't a problem until Michelle woke up first yesterday morning and saw her name printed on a screen behind the nightlight.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner signed a two-year deal Wednesday for four million dollars a year. He also gets a fifteen million dollar bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve such a bonus, he hasn't run one company into the ground.

Los Angeles Dodgers fans flooded the team office with ticket requests Wednesday when the team signed Manny Ramirez for forty-five million dollars. Now he's besieged by fans wherever he goes. The whole town is thrilled to have a buyer who can qualify.

West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill which bans Barbie doll sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette, and that only happens when Republicans control Congress.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced Wednesday that Queen Elizabeth is giving a knighthood to Teddy Kennedy. It's well-deserved. The Kennedy men have been on their very best behavior ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke to Congress Wednesday and hailed the special relationship between the U.S. and Britain. It's a love between cousins. We only engage in global conquest to provide a healthy alternative to our proclivity for cockfighting.

Gordon Brown told Congress Wednesday the U.S. and Britain can save the world with a Global New Deal. He said the world faces an economic hurricane. People in Elkhart who make RV's will be very happy to hear that their trailers are much in demand again.

The White House proposed a bailout plan for homeowners Wednesday. Three trillion dollars in wealth has disappeared since election day. We could get it all back in gold during the Winter Olympics next year if we enter Dow Jones in the Men's Downhill.

California Assemblyman Joel Anderson asked Google to blur the satellite images of Los Angeles available on the Internet. There are security concerns. Revealing what Californians look like in the back yard is a breach of actor-God confidentiality.

President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White House for his kids Wednesday. This brought back some great memories for comedians. The last time there was a swing set at the White House, Monica Lewinsky pulled the plaster out of the Oval Office ceiling.

The White House appointed Florida's disaster response coordinator Craig Fugate as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Everybody likes the guy. He's a voluntary paramedic and firefighter, so he's a much-in-demand party guest in Florida.

AFL-CIO executives were criticized Wednesday for holding their convention at the Fountainebleu Hotel in Miami Beach this week. For labor union bosses, this is a new low. Las Vegas's reputation is so bad that even the town founders can't be seen there.

Cal Tech confirmed Wednesday that a giant flying asteroid whizzed close to the earth last week. It was a near disaster. Had it destroyed the earth, mankind's last thought would've been that we really didn't need separate garbage cans for recyclables.

National Intelligence Council chairman nominee Charles Freeman was brought up for questioning by Congress Wednesday over controversial past statements he's made. He was quoted calling the occupation of conquered land an act of violence. His nomination is in limbo until he clarifies whether he meant Iraq or Israel or America.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama snubbed Great Britain Tuesday by refusing to hold a formal press event with Prime Minister Gordon Brown. He's not thinking. Barack Obama doesn't realize how many voters overlooked the fact that he's black because they thought he's British.

Los Angeles County Supervisors on Monday designated the first week of March as No Cussing Week. Good luck. It's not going to work as long as the cable news channels keep that running stock market ticker in the lower right hand corner of the TV screen.

Australia's astronomers last week spotted a forty-yard-wide asteroid whistling past the earth's atmosphere in plain view. Americans weren't surprised to hear about it. In this economy even God was trying to catch the eye of NFL scouts at the combine.

John McCain's daughter Meghan said Monday that her dad's presidential campaign ruined her love life. Her father is a powerful U.S. senator and her mom owns a huge Budweiser distributorship. For some reason all she attracts are lobbyists and drunks.

Journal Science said Monday you can pre-select a baby's eye color and intellect and athleticism with DNA before an embryo is implanted. How scary. In nine months, Nadya Suleman could break her own record by giving birth to the L.A. Dodgers starting line-up.

The Weather Channel showed a huge winter storm dropping snow from New England down to Georgia Tuesday. The timing was perfect. If college kids want to play in the snow this week they don't have to go to Mexico and get killed trying to buy some.

Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was given a death sentence for the third time Monday by a tribunal in Iraq. He was in charge of building Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done.

The White House suggested Monday that Rush Limbaugh heads the GOP. The president's policies are worshipped on cable news channels but get slaughtered on the radio. Barack Obama's approval ratings now depend on how much time Americans spend in traffic.

President Obama overturned a Bush administration regulation Monday that limited protection for endangered species. He doesn't want anything to go extinct while he's in office. He may have to cut taxes to protect the habitat of the endangered investor.

President Obama said Tuesday stocks are so low this is a good time to buy. Three trillion dollars of personal wealth has disappeared since he got elected. The unemployment rate will skyrocket now that everybody who's retired is looking for a job.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner testified in front of the House Ways and Means Committee Tuesday. He told them the administration is gearing up to go after tax evaders. Did he ever get a cold shoulder when he showed up at the next cabinet meeting.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner asked Congress for more bailout cash for banks Tuesday. He emphasized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation. While a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner will crash forever in his parent's basement.

The Wall Street Journal denounced President Obama for waging war on capitalism Tuesday. The editors said his proposals amount to nothing more than federal mandates, price controls and tax increases. Osama bin Laden has just decided to open a small business in the Midwest so he can be the U.S. government's number-one target again.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The White House complained Sunday after Rush Limbaugh rallied conservatives to oppose the president. They think dissent isn't helpful. On baseball's opening day, Barack Obama will be at Washington Nationals Stadium to throw out the First Amendment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in every country. How did the Third World wind up on welfare so fast? Just last week they had all our factory jobs.

New Yorkers were reported Friday to be bottling the city's tap water and selling it for two dollars a bottle. It's pumped from the upstate Hudson River and always voted America's best drinking water. This year's bouquet offers just a hint of airline fuel.

Siegfried and Roy returned to the Las Vegas stage Sunday with the Bengal tiger Montecore who mauled Roy onstage six years ago. The tiger seemed happy to be back on the main stage. Due to the economic crisis they were only feeding him lounge comics.

Tiger Woods's coach Hank Haney is trying to fix Charles Barkley's swing on the Golf Channel. He knows best. He once told Tiger to take the club away low, make a full turn, then throw all his weight onto his left foot and marry a Swedish blonde.

Los Angeles police talked down a naked man who was threatening to jump off the cross atop a church steeple Sunday. He's lucky a cop happened along. Nudity's been the official religion of Los Angeles for so long that nobody even noticed him up there.

George W. Bush signed with the Washington Speakers Bureau last month and the agency promptly scheduled him to entertain a convention in Canada. He has a very specific financial plan. He's going to work as a stand-up comic until karate can pay the bills.

U.S. Trade Representative nominee Ron Kirk owes the IRS ten thousand dollars, an error disclosed Monday by the Senate Finance Committee considering his nomination. Another one of these pop up every week. Apparently Friday is casual tax day at the White House.

The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate instances of CIA torture of detainees over the last eight years. This nation has no business engaging in torture. Anybody found guilty of waterboarding ought to get twenty years in the electric chair.

Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there's a building boom, just not necessarily in that order.

Venezuela's dictator Hugo Chavez was told by his doctor Monday to stop talking due to a throat problem. He wants him to stay off the air for a month. If Wall Street can get that doctor to prescribe this for Barack Obama it could save the stock market.

Iran arrested American reporter Roxane Saberi for trying to buy wine and threw the former Miss North Dakota in jail. It has upset their whole system. If Iranians knew that women looked like that under their burkas, they would've banned burkas years ago.

The Dow Jones fell below seven thousand for the first time in twelve years Monday. In those days the Dow was going up through the seven thousand mark, as President Clinton dodged a sex harassment suit and Speaker Newt Gingrich was cheating on his wife with his staffer. Who would have thought adultery is the best stimulus package of all?



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Hollywood Bowl sold out its Easter sunrise service six weeks in advance last week. That's never happened in its history. A recent poll showed that sixty percent of Americans believe in miracles, the rest are able to move in with relatives.

New England Patriots star Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen in Santa Monica on Friday. She's a German supermodel and he's the handsomest quarterback who ever lived. They're going to live in a bomb shelter and breed a race of perfect people.

The White House said Thursday the U.S. government will stop raiding medical marijuana clinics in places where it's legal. Reaction was swift. The next day Michael Phelps said he had a doctor's prescription to go to that party in South Carolina last month.

New York Yankees executives worked the phones around the clock Friday trying to sell luxury boxes in the new Yankee Stadium. The clock's ticking. If they're not all occupied by opening day, Barney Frank is going to move homeless people into them.

President Obama said Friday he will pull all U.S. troops from Iraq next year. It is about time. The U.S. has been in Iraq for so long, we can't remember if weapons of mass destruction are something we made up or something we paid someone to make up.

President Obama telephoned former President Bush in Dallas Friday to brief him about his plans to withdraw United States troops from Iraq. The call was merely a courtesy. If he really wanted an expert on pullouts he would have called Bill Clinton.

The White House released statistics Friday showing that unemployment could soon reach ten percent nationwide. The big cities are hit hardest. Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch.

Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He's enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama's policies is Rush Limbaugh.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives today for a meeting with President Obama. A month ago Obama ejected Churchill's bust from the Oval Office over differences in policy. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears, and Barack Obama doesn't require toil.

Barack Obama declared in his Saturday address he came to Washington to provide the sweeping changes the people of the United States demanded by electing him. He believes it's morally right to soak the rich because they're feasting on the ill-gotten gains of colonialism. He's bored with being Jesus, he's decided to be Gandhi.

The Senate announced plans this week to probe CIA torture during the Bush administration. We now know that waterboarding just doesn't work. Wall Street has been under water since September and bankers still won't say what they did with the money.

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman turned down an offer of free child care and a place to live Friday after the facility refused to allow cameras in for a reality show. She's already hooked on media attention. Ten years from now, the Democrats will be moaning about the sentencing disparity between powdered celebrity and crack celebrity.

A sad note: I was so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of my good friend, broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, on Saturday. He will be missed. The airwaves will always feel a little emptier without him. Condolences to his son, Paul Harvey, Jr., and to everyone who knew him and loved him.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-2-09

A sad note: I was so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of my good friend, broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, on Saturday. He will be missed. The airwaves will always feel a little emptier without him.

Condolences to his son, Paul Harvey, Jr., and to everyone who knew him and loved him.

--Argus Hamilton
____________________________

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama told U.S. Marines in Camp Lejeune Friday he will bring U.S. combat troops home from Iraq next year. The troops looked uncomfortable at the thought of coming home. They've all had family and friends who got killed in the stock market.

Wall Street sank Friday as the government took over Citigroup in New York. It's the worst February in the market in eighty years. If the Dow Jones goes any lower, James Earl Jones will be the only one who is able to read the business news every day.

Fidel Castro was reported Friday to have taken a walk through Havana last week looking healthier than he has in years. He certainly must feel vindicated. Barack Obama used his ideas to get elected and Bill Clinton used his cigars to get impeached.

Georgia law enforcement agents Tuesday arrested members of an assisted suicide group called the Final Exit Network. It's against the law in Georgia to help someone commit suicide. If they want to eat the peanut butter you can't open the jar for them.

Michael Vick was ordered under house arrest Friday after doing his prison time for dogfighting. This could work out for him. When the house goes into foreclosure and the marshals come to evict him he can say that he's got a court order to be there.

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was offered one million dollars to star in a porno film Wednesday and the next day she was seen shopping for a million dollar home in fashionable Westwood. No one's upset. In this market, a buyer's a buyer.

Manny Ramirez refused a forty-five million dollar offer from the L.A. Dodgers on Friday. It was a misunderstanding. He's under the impression that if he takes the forty-five million, Barney Frank will tell him which pitches he's allowed to swing at.

Bank of America canceled a deal to sponsor Yankee Stadium on Friday. The bank feared negative publicity after taking bailout money. Every time the grounds crew pulled the tarp over the field it would just remind taxpayers they are getting soaked.

Vijay Singh wore the hat and logo of Stanford Financial Group at the Accenture Match Play Championship, despite the firm's shutdown by SEC regulators on suspicion of pulling an eight billion dollar fraud. Perhaps he hadn't yet heard. Vijay's new financial adviser looked at his books and advised him to go home to India and try to get on a game show.

President Obama vowed Thursday his new budget includes tax cuts for the middle class and poor but wealthy people must pay more. He really thinks he's Robin Hood. When he wore the green tights to Capitol Hill last week, he had Barney Frank at hello.

Citigroup agreed to a plan Friday that will allow the federal government to own thirty-six percent of all common shares in the bank. Shareholders don't know what to do. The stock is so watered down even Las Vegas bartenders are refusing to sell it.

The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA's torture methods this week. It's a seminar. President Obama wants to learn how to get honest answers when he asks his Commerce Secretary nominees if they have ever done anything illegal.

The Conservative Political Action Committee held a convention in Washington D.C. over the weekend, drawing thousands. The star speakers in the hotel ballroom were Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. These are three great figures, and to qualify to be a Republican in these times all you have to be worth is three figures.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-1-09

A sad note: I was so deeply saddened to hear of the loss of my good friend, broadcasting legend Paul Harvey, on Saturday. He will be missed. The airwaves will always feel a little emptier without him.

Condolences to his son, Paul Harvey, Jr., and to everyone who knew him and loved him.

--Argus Hamilton
____________________________

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Michael Vick was scheduled Friday to be released from prison in May. The worm has turned. Just a year ago Michael Vick was reviled for arranging dogfights, and today he is admired as the last man in America who knows how to make money in a hurry.

Manny Ramirez negotiated with the Los Angeles Dodgers Friday for a performance-based contract. His demands may be unreasonable. If he strikes out two hundred times he wants the government to give him a ten-billion-dollar subsidy for being a windmill.

Hershey's reported a fifty percent rise in fourth quarter profits Friday along with a rise in liquor, tobacco and movie profits. It makes sense. Everyone is so looking for escape nowadays that the next face on Mount Rushmore may be Harry Houdini.

Charles Barkley was sentenced to ten days in jail Tuesday for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He can cut his sentence in half by taking an alcohol education class. That's where you read a book saying how drinking is bad for you, so you give up reading.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave himself a twenty percent pay cut Wednesday in New York. He also cut one hundred seventy jobs in the corporate office. Barney Frank tried to make him give up the Jets, but he bought him off with a nude team calendar.

White House economic guru Paul Volcker expressed anger Friday that no Treasury Department deputies have been named. It's understandable. The only guy with any experience who agrees with this government's policies is Mikhail Gorbachev, and he's nobody's deputy.

President Obama offered a budget of three trillion six hundred billion dollars Thursday. It includes two million for swine odor research and manure management. Summer is coming and they need to fix the air conditioning in the U.S. Capitol building.

Wall Street fell Thursday as President Obama proposed a trillion dollars in tax increases. This is war. Last week an Arab with a fuse coming out of his shoe walked right through an airport checkpoint while Homeland Security was frisking an investor.

President Obama decided Thursday to keep fifty thousand U.S. soldiers in Iraq permanently. It's a teachable moment. If we've learned anything, it's that it only takes six weeks of having your own helicopter to turn a community organizer into an emperor.

The U.S. Senate voted Thursday to give the District of Columbia a vote in the House. The U.S. Constitution says only states have a right to a vote in Congress. However, ever since George W. Bush put tape over the Constitution's mouth, nobody hears a word it says.

The State Department warned college students to avoid Mexico for spring break due to drug shoot-outs. Not to worry. Spring break wasn't going to draw the college kids to Mexico anyway, the big crowds are coming down in May for the Cali Cartel job fair.

Stevie Wonder performed songs at the White House Wednesday. What's great about being president is that you can get your favorite stars to sing live for you. The bad thing is that when they are accompanied by the Marine Band, everything sounds like a polka.

Huntington Beach surf shops reported Tuesday the recession has cut deeply into sales of boards, beachwear and wet suits. It's not all bad news. Surfers have never enjoyed such big crowds at the competitions with so many people sleeping on the beach.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio