Argus Hamilton's column for 2-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman got a million dollar offer Thursday to star in a porno movie. The producer wants her to do many of them. The taxpayers of Los Angeles absolutely refuse to allow it unless there is birth control on the set.

Tiger Woods got a hero's welcome Wednesday when he returned to the PGA Tour in Tucson. The stock market rose two hundred points his first hour on the course. The Treasury Secretary should ask Tiger's orthopedic surgeon if he knows how to fix banks.

Charles Barkley was sentenced to five days in jail Monday for getting arrested for drunk driving in Scottsdale. He was smashed. When the officer told him he was twice the legal limit, he thought that the girl he picked up was thirty-six years old.

Michael Jackson held an online auction of Neverland Ranch items Tuesday which included a knight's armor, a painting of him, and his old stage costumes. He has no choice but to leave the house. The neighbors no longer believe it is a junior high.

Fox News said Tuesday the chimp that mauled a Connecticut woman is seven times stronger than any man. Baseball owners took note. Chimps can hit homers, pass a steroids test, entertain the crowds during commercial breaks, and they work for peanuts.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced the arrests of seven hundred and fifty Mexican drug dealers operating out West Wednesday. The streets are overrun with people buying and selling drugs. They were all rounded up and arrested for capitalism.

President Obama promised Tuesday that his mortgage assistance program won't help undeserving homeowners. A lot of people took cash out of their houses to buy trips and cars and furniture and jewelry. The Price is Right almost went off the air trying to compete with the prizes Americans were winning with their home-equity loans.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger got a huge ovation from Congress on Tuesday at the State of the Union. His constant public appearances are annoying. How many times do we have to be reminded that he can survive a crash and the rest of us can't?

Governor Bobby Jindal got bad reviews for his GOP response to the presidential address on Tuesday. He stared wide-eyed into the camera and spoke haltingly. The Republicans can now go back to being the party of rich white males and say they tried.

President Obama got generally good reviews on the quality of his speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday in the U.S. Capitol. His nighttime speeches inspire, but his daytime speeches crash the markets. Mick Jagger can save capitalism if he can just teach Barack Obama to sleep until four in the afternoon like the rock star that he is.

NBC's Andrea Mitchell blamed the media Tuesday for not doing a good job explaining the president's economic plan to America. They've been trying. Cable news hosts think they know how to rescue banks just because ten years ago they were experts on perjury about sex.

George W. Bush will speak to Canadian businessmen in Calgary next month for his first paid speaking engagement. He's going to give speeches defending the decisions he made during his eight years in office. He's always had a gift for stand-up comedy.

The White House revealed plans to pull U.S. troops from Iraq by next year. Fifty thousand U.S. soldiers will be left in Iraq as non-combat troops. Everything hinges on getting the Iraqi government not prosecute them under international loitering laws.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave his State of the Union speech Tuesday in the Capitol. One cabinet member stayed out of the building. That's so in case of a cataclysmic event somebody would still be alive to go on television and crash the markets every morning.

Attorney General Eric Holder was absent from the State of the Union Tuesday to ensure continuity of government. It's silly to think a bomb would go off during the president's speech. The destruction occurs when Congress votes, not when they listen.

The White House revealed Tuesday that the speechwriters at first wanted Barack Obama's speech to Congress to sound Reaganesque. They finally decided against it. They did not think he could carry off those anecdotes about working with Errol Flynn.

President Obama made a pitch for higher education to Congress Tuesday. He said he wants to make sure that no one drops out of high school and every student stays in college. How does he think he's going to get re-elected by bringing back the draft?

President Obama vowed Tuesday to shore up the banks' cash to get credit flowing again. It was the exact same speech Bush gave in October, but Obama gave a much better reading. We were so smart to keep holding auditions til we found the best actor.

Canada's prime minister said Canada's banks are sound because they have no loan program like Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae for poor credit risks. That settles it. The best way to solve America's banking crisis is to give O.J. Simpson a weekend pass and a hunting knife, then tell him that Fannie Mae's been cheating on him with Freddie Mac.

The Los Angeles Dodgers closed in on re-signing superstar slugger Manny Ramirez to a huge three-year deal Tuesday. He doesn't have any choice. The government has told Manny Ramirez if he does not sign the contract they are going to nationalize him.

German scientist Konrad Dannenberg died in Alabama Monday at ninety-six. After he invented the V-2 rocket for Nazi Germany the U.S. snatched him and brought him to America, where he founded the U.S. missile program. He is survived by the human race.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger testified in Congress Monday that airlines must restore high pilot pay to keep the skies safe. Not necessarily. It would be a lot cheaper simply to pay the birds to stop attacking us like we did the Iraqi insurgents.

Congress heard testimony Tuesday that a goose may have brought down a helicopter in Louisiana last month. The number of Canadian geese that live in America year-round has grown from one million to four million in the last eighteen years. Once they started getting jobs in the construction industry there was no way they were going home.

Charles Barkley was sentenced to five days in jail Monday for drunk driving in Phoenix. He was also ordered to employ a device in the front seat that requires you to blow into it before the car will start. Wasn't she on his lap when he got arrested?

The California Assembly will consider a new bill to regulate and tax marijuana as a legally grown substance. This could save the state. Since you can't transport it across state lines, it would force everybody to come to California and buy a house.

Vietnam veterans picketed Jane Fonda's new play at the Eugene O'Neill Theater on Broadway. They're still angry she flew to Hanoi forty years ago and predicted the communists would win. It's a disputed win until we know whether the U.S. government is going to take over forty-nine percent of the banks or fifty-one percent of the banks.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama held a Fiscal Responsibility Summit in the White House Monday, where he pushed lawmakers to support universal health care coverage. We don't need it. Now that Dick Cheney has retired, the life expectancy of the universe has doubled.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal delivered the Republican Party's response to the president's State of the Union speech last night. People were excited to see him making his speech. Everyone just assumed it was another award for Slumdog Millionaire.

New Orleans observed Mardi Gras Tuesday with wild street parties in the French Quarter. There's only one rule guys have to follow in that town. Never go home with a woman wearing an NBA championship ring, no matter how much you love tall women.

Washington state adopted doctor-assisted suicide into law Monday. It's tightly regulated. They look at your insurance policy and they look at your brokerage statement and then they offer you the option that gets you out of trouble the fastest.

Mount Vernon in Virginia observed George Washington's birthday Sunday. He made money off the plantation by growing tobacco and hemp, brewing beer, and distilling whiskey. So it may not have been his kindness which kept his slaves from running away.

Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed to act in Sylvester Stallone's new movie. They've both had huge success in the movie business. The difference between movies and baseball is, in movies you can quit doing steroids after only three hits and still get a big contract.

Steven Spielberg was reported Monday to be ready to roll the cameras on his new Abe Lincoln movie, which stars Liam Neeson. It'll probably win next year's Academy Award. It is considered way outside the box to cast a white actor to play Abe Lincoln.

New Yorkers were furious Monday after a local jury awarded two million dollars to a drunk who fell in front of a subway train. He turned a three-dollar bottle of wine into two million dollars. Democrats who have given up on Barack Obama have a new Jesus.

George W. Bush dropped by Elliot's Hardware in Dallas Saturday and he posed for pictures with customers. He's still getting blame for the downturn. Last night his plane had to make an emergency landing when a flock of shoes flew into the jet engines.

Israel announced Monday that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will visit the West Bank and Israel next week. She's going to lecture the Israelis and the Palestinians on how to live side by side, even though they hate each other. No one's better qualified.

Mexico's political stability came under question on Tuesday due to anarchy and drug wars. It's not likely to attract an al-Qaeda presence. If their idea of heaven is seventy-two virgins, they are not going to like Cabo San Lucas during spring break.

House Democrats introduced a spending bill Monday that loosens travel restrictions to Cuba. At this point you have to figure, why not? If the United States were any more socialist, the Castro brothers would allow us to base missiles on the island.

The White House hinted Monday that the federal government might purchase forty percent of Citigroup and maybe Bank of America too. Wall Street is in a complete meltdown. When President Bush promised we would defeat al-Qaeda eight years ago, no one thought it was a competition to see who could knock down more real estate, us or them.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gives his State of the Union address tonight to Congress. In his first month the economy's collapsed, Wall Street's crashed and the debt's tripled. Al-Qaeda just recalled all their sleeper cells in America saying their work is done here.

The Academy Awards was a decidedly less lavish show in Hollywood Sunday. Everyone wanted to look like they understand the dire economic situation. When they went for their botox injections they told the doctor to leave one little frown line.

Alex Rodriguez was reported seen with steroid connected trainer Angel Presinal last year. Even his name sounds like a steroid. Having a trainer named Presinal is like having a bodyguard named Bullets and expecting people not to draw any conclusions.

Rihanna's police photos after her beating by Chris Brown were leaked to the media Friday, showing her with blackened eyes, a swollen nose, bloody lips and facial bruises. The beating could have been worse. She could have owned General Motors stock.

Hillary Clinton met with China's President Hu Jintao in the palace in Beijing Saturday. She sat grim-faced as China's president issued a stern warning. The last thing the Obama administration wants to hear right now is that communism doesn't work.

Tiger Woods returns to the PGA Tour this week in Tucson in the Accenture Match Play Championship. Everyone's glad. He absolutely hates any noise on his backswing, so maybe the stock market will be polite enough not to crash on Thursdays and Fridays.

The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco Friday struck down the new California law which banned the sale of violent video games to minors. You can only protect children so far. The hottest game on the market right now is Grand Theft Pension Fund.

Houston hedge fund manager R. Allen Stanford was arrested Friday for defrauding his clients. None of them can get to their money. There are two types of people in this economy, people who don't have jobs and people whose accounts have been frozen.

Bristol Palin said last week it's normal for teen couples in Alaska to engage in sex. Traditions vary. High school seniors in Los Angeles are required to take sex education, so they can learn how to increase their turnover and double their revenues.

The State Department warned college students not to travel to Mexico on spring break. They'd be walking into an open shooting war between the police and cocaine runners. It does offer parents having trouble making tuition payments one more option.

The Pentagon announced it's testing exit routes from Iraq Saturday in order to make the eventual U.S. troop withdrawal smooth. It's just window dressing. By the time U.S. troops withdraw from Iraq, each soldier will be able to leave in a flying car.

Iraqi officials said Friday they will open a museum of Saddam Hussein's abuses as dictator in one wing of a prison. Don't miss it. The museum will cover Saddam's entire dictatorship from his beginning as a CIA plant to his death as a CIA scapegoat.

President Obama angered many Americans last week by removing the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office. Two-thirds of the country is of British descent. If Barack Obama had told the American people during the campaign that he was going to open his presidency by insulting Great Britain, he wouldn't have carried Detroit.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods announced Friday he'll return to the PGA Tour this week after knee surgery knocked him off the tour for seven long months. He's anxious to get back to work. All his corporate sponsors paid him in company stock and now he is destitute.

The Governor's Ball served chicken pot pie to the movie stars after the Oscars Sunday. The studios didn't want to offend the public with opulence and glamour. They decided on chicken pot pie after Gainsburgers refused to give them a volume discount.

New York's Fashion Week began Friday with the new clothing lines being modeled in front of buyers and celebrities sitting along the runway. The recession has hit the fashion industry hard. Some of those models look like they haven't eaten in two years.

President Obama's huge housing bailout plan Thursday ignited a nationwide fury all week. Homeowners who pay their mortgages on time are enraged at having to pay the mortgages of their delinquent neighbors. Only two weeks after President Bush moved into his new house, the real estate industry is being destroyed by sectarian violence.

Iraqi reporter Muntadar al-Zaidi was in court Friday for throwing two shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Iraq. The problem is, it caught on. Last week President Bush was almost killed by flying cleats at the Colonial Golf and Country Club.

Swiss bank UBS agreed Friday to pay the U.S. three-quarters of a billion dollars for helping Americans evade income taxes. The bank will reveal who they are. Alex Rodriguez could end up breaking Bill Clinton's record with two confessions in one week.

Alex Rodriguez's apology was undercut Thursday by reports that he traveled all last season with a known steroids dealer. This is big. He's such a dead duck that Exxon Mobil has agreed to pay New York ten million dollars in damages in case there's any oil on him.

North Korea threatened war Friday as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton landed in South Korea for an official visit. There's nothing the U.S. can do to keep North Korea from attacking. We have enough trouble trying to keep the chimps from attacking.

Governor Sarah Palin was ordered to pay sixteen thousand dollars in back state income taxes. The news traveled fast. As soon as everyone in Washington D.C. heard that she was delinquent on her taxes she became the front runner for Health Secretary.

The White House calmed the markets Friday by informing Wall Street the federal government won't nationalize the banks. It's a new world. Panhandlers are sitting outside 7-Elevens asking passers-by for a dollar so they can buy a share of Citigroup.

Chicago officials revealed Friday that Barack Obama still owes the city nearly two million for his election night victory party in Grant Park. This is a lesson for us all. As soon as you give someone a free house they stop paying all their bills.

President Obama invited eighty-six mayors to the White House Friday. He warned them he will name them and shame them if they waste the bailout money, and the crowd of mayors laughed out loud. It's the biggest laugh anyone from Chicago has gotten since John Belushi told a class of incoming freshmen to study hard and drink moderately.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn demanded Friday that Senator Roland Burris resign from the U.S. Senate. Burris neglected to mention he was asked to raise money for the disgraced former governor who appointed him. The Westminster Kennel Club's winning dog just offered to donate his hind leg to science for research on Illinois politics.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-22-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton said Friday that President Obama should speak more positively and optimistically about the economy. He always sounds cranky. The biggest mistake since the Smoot-Hawley tariff was electing a president who is trying to quit smoking.

The Academy Awards will air live from Hollywood Sunday on ABC. Due to a strike threat, many of these stars haven't worked in a year. The reason why grocery store produce is so expensive is because it is now being picked by English character actors.

French director Roman Polanski tried to resolve his past California conviction for sex with a minor. It occurred in the late Seventies in Jack Nicholson's hot tub. The hot tub was later donated to the Pentagon to aid in its germ warfare project.

Alex Rodriguez was blasted by Katie Couric Friday for lying to her about using steroids. He's facing a fierce backlash. Dick Cheney is thanking his lucky stars that he only cheated to take the nation to war and not to improve his home-run totals.

Bud Selig said Tuesday that he wants to meet with Alex Rodriguez about steroid use. So does the government. They're about to release the stimulus package and they want to know how many cc's they can inject into the economy without it growing breasts.

President Obama signed an environmental agreement while in Canada Thursday. We must become better stewards. Just imagine the millions of trees we could save if Democrats could balance a budget or if Republicans could keep the ball on the fairway.

Tiger Woods said Thursday he will return to the PGA Tour at the Accenture Match Play Championship in Tucson. He returns to a new world. Every time Tiger Woods shoots a birdie the government will add two strokes to his score to make sure it's fair for everyone else.

Tiger Woods' coach Hank Haney tried to fix Charles Barkley's famously bad golf swing in a new series called The Haney Project. It backfired. By the seventh lesson Hank Haney is drinking behind the wheel with a hooker he met in the casino on his lap.

Sidney Poitier delared Thursday he believes that all corporate salaries should be capped at five hundred thousand dollars a year. This is becoming insane. The only people less qualfied to manage the U.S. economy than politicians are out-of-work actors.

The White House said Friday it's still working on assessing which homeowners will be eligible for foreclosure assistance from the taxpayers. It's easy to tell who should get help. If they have new granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, they're out.

President Obama removed his Oval Office bust of Winston Churchill and replaced it with a bust of Abe Lincoln. Everyone's upset. Busts in the Oval Office have been controversial ever since Kathleen Willey told the press what happened to her in there.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi flew a House delegation to Rome Tuesday aboard a U.S. government jet which costs taxpayers ten thousand dollars an hour. And why not? She's the highest ranking Italian-American in history to go to Italy who was not deported there.

Muzak filed for Chapter Eleven bankruptcy in a Delaware court last week. There is no need for soothing background orchestra music in a bank building's elevator during a run on the bank. The only thing anybody wants to play is the theme from Jaws.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Shaquille O'Neal left one of his size twenty-three basketball shoes for Barack Obama in Phoenix Wednesday. He meant well. It was awkward when President Obama had to evict the family that was living in the shoe because they couldn't pay the mortgage.

President Obama spelled out a seventy-five billion dollar plan to prevent home foreclosures on Wednesday. The next generation is starting to get edgy about all this huge debt. Yesterday morning Sasha and Malia asked for their allowance in gold.

Travis the Chimp was killed by Connecticut police Monday after he mauled his owner's friend. This nature-loving has got to stop. Tarzan and Jane had their first fight over whether Cheetah was going to be a pet or a coat.

Alan Greenspan told the Economic Club of New York on Tuesday the U.S. government may have to take over the banks. Next it'll be the automakers and airlines. In six weeks, President Obama will throw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationalized.

The Skull and Bones Society at Yale was sued by the Apache Tribe Wednesday. They say members stole Geronimo's remains decades ago and keep them in the clubhouse. This is a heads-up to the bin Laden family to bury him where the Bushes can't find him.

Smash-Me Bernie went on display at the New York Toy Fair Tuesday. It's a doll of the swindler that comes with a hammer so you can smash it. Last night people swear they saw Bernie Madoff riding through Central Park on Lance Armstrong's bicycle.

Hillary Clinton was serenaded by Indonesian schoolgirls on the runway when she landed in Jakarta. She hurried down the steps from the plane to the tarmac with her head down. When she runs for president in eight years it will look like she is under sniper fire.

Tulsa Airport was the testing ground on Wednesday for the new body scanners. They see through clothes. The rest of America has four weeks to get the necessary plastic surgery to keep from being arrested at the Los Angeles airport for sagging.

Los Angeles officials said Wednesday they'll order residential water rationing which limits watering lawns to only two days a week. We live in the desert. Three months ago a fundamentalist church in Thousand Oaks laid off the landscaper and now it looks like the end is near.

The NFL had its annual scouting combine in Indianapolis this week for incoming draftees. Players are tested for speed, strength, agility and intelligence. They give an acting award at the end of the week for the guy who gives the best steroid apology.

Alex Rodriguez asked baseball fans Tuesday to forgive him. He said he never took steroids, then he admitted doing steroids, then he said he can't remember what he took. He's changed his story so many times he could be the next senator from Illinois.

Attorney General Eric Holder declared on Wednesday that America is essentially a nation of cowards when it comes to race. Cowardice is a strong word. Memo to the millions of descendants of Union Army soldiers, if you want gratitude, get a dog.

Abe Lincoln was honored by the U.S. Mint Wednesday with four new pennies showing depictions of events in his life. His legacy is twofold. His life put an end to owning slaves in America and his death put an end to heckling actors from the balcony.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez held a news conference Tuesday to discuss his steroid use. He's a little late telling us which drug he took to give him such great numbers. If he'd told us in time, we could have put it in the stimulus package.

President Obama signed the stimulus law Tuesday minutes after Alex Rodriguez's press conference. He looked a little nervous. It's only a matter of time before somebody compares the photos of Barack Obama before he won Iowa and after he won Iowa.

Alex Rodriguez admitted taking the steroid primobolan six years ago at a press conference on Tuesday. He said the drug is legal over the counter in the Dominican Republic. So are thirteen-year-old girls, but that excuse didn't work for Roman Polanski.

Bud Selig insisted Monday that Major League Baseball tried to stop steroid use back in the Nineties. There's no question that the stuff works. Ten years ago St. Louis named an eight-lane freeway after Mark McGwire and today it's sixteen lanes wide.

Las Vegas went on alert Tuesday for blackjack players using an iPhone program which counts cards. The programmers wanted to guarantee that every time you bet, you're a winner. Before they wrote this program, they were mortgage brokers in Orange County.

The La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles yielded prehistoric bone fossils from the Ice Age Monday. The animals got stuck in the oil. Barack Obama's alternative fuels program could have saved them if only Congress had passed it forty thousand years ago.

President Obama flies to Canada today for top level meetings about Afghanistan border security and mutual trade. The country is our top energy partner. Canada is America's number-one supplier of oil and gas and wind if you don't count McDonald's.

President Obama removed a bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office where it sat for decades and returned it to the British Embassy. What an outrage. First he overthrows capitalism for socialism and now our mother country's going to be Kenya.

President Obama flew to Denver Tuesday to sign the economic stimulus bill into law at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. He got a good look at the solar panels on the roof. He went up there for a smoke and he just happened to see them.

Bill Clinton spent the week doing TV interviews on all the cable shows to push his Global Initiative. It wasn't his idea. Hillary Clinton refused to go to Asia unless her husband stayed in front of a television camera the entire time she was gone.

Sarah Palin's daughter and new teenaged mother Bristol Palin told a TV interviewer on Tuesday that asking teenaged kids to abstain from sex isn't realistic. That's how cold it is in Alaska. If they shiver next to each other one of them gets pregnant.

New York Governor David Paterson proposed raising taxes on the sale of porno movie videos and DVDs Tuesday to help the state meet its budget. The governor is legally blind. People are always in favor of taxes on things that don't affect them.

Connecticut cops killed a pet chimp which attacked its owner's friend late Monday. The night before, a turkey buzzard forced down a private plane by smashing into the windshield, just weeks after Canadian geese crashed into the engines of a US Airways jet. Al Gore says it's evidence of global warming when animals become hot-headed.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama signed a stimulus bill Tuesday which will build a high-speed train between Southern California and Las Vegas. It should be finished about the time O.J. Simpson is paroled. This will give him an easy commute between robberies and murders.

Congress rushed passage of the stimulus bill Saturday before anyone could read it. Democrats said they can do whatever they want because they won the election. Republicans reminded them that Venezuela's results aren't binding in the United States.

Barack Obama said Friday the Food and Drug Administration will enforce tougher standards for food safety inspections. The president means business. He doesn't want to end the war in Iraq just to lose four thousand people a year to peanut butter.

Matt Kenseth won the Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway Sunday. A lot of the crew members had been laid off. Matt Kenseth won by a lap because the Triple-A truck arrived to change his tires a minute before they arrived to change Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s.

Sports Illustrated detailed Alex Rodriguez's steroid use six years ago in this week's issue. He claims that he doesn't know what steroid he took. Investigators are looking for a particular steroid that's undetectable until it de-activates in October.

Chris Brown beat up his girlfriend, superstar singer Rihanna, even though she is a protege of rap mogul Jay-Z, who vowed always to protect her. This is going to cost the U.S. taxpayers a lot of money. AIG just sold a life insurance policy to Chris Brown.

Stormy Daniels said Tuesday she may run for U.S. Senate in Louisiana against GOP Senator David Vitter. She's a porno star and he hired hookers. The publicity this contest would attract would get gumbo removed from every school lunch menu in America.

A U.S. satellite collided head-on with a Russian satellite Friday while orbiting the Earth five hundred miles above Siberia. You know what this means. Dick Cheney's been out of office for a month and already he is playing video games with his iPhone.

Hillary Clinton warned North Korea Monday they must live up to their commitment to refrain from missile tests. That got a laugh. If Hillary had any commitment-enforcing experience, North Korean parades wouldn't feature missiles shaped like cigars.

President Obama dropped the idea of appointing a Car Czar Tuesday and he opted instead to supervise the auto industry with a committee. It's a sign of the times. You know socialism's in full bloom whenever the czar is being replaced by a committee.

EBay's former CEO Meg Whitman filed papers with GOP officials Friday to run for California governor. It was just a matter of time before an eBay expert showed up. The state's finances are so bad we are to starting attract online liquidation specialists.

Bridges TV Network founder Muzzammil Hassan of Buffalo was arrested by police Friday for beheading his wife after an argument. He founded the TV network five years ago to counter the negative image of Muslims. Now it's back to the drawing board.

The Taliban pulled off a stunning deal with Pakistan's government Monday which gives them the border region. It's great news. Now that Osama bin Laden has his own government, some brother-in-law will turn him in for not giving him a Senate seat.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman reportedly sold NBC the rights to video of her in the delivery room. She could get an endorsement deal out of this. Next Christmas the George Foreman Grill may be on the shelf next to the Nadya Suleman Popcorn popper.

Brett Favre retired to his cotton farm in Mississippi Tuesday after a long and storied NFL career. He's had enough. He played in Green Bay sixteen years and he played in New York for one year, and you can just take Lincoln's Birthday for so long.

Bud Selig said Thursday he might reinstate Hank Aaron's career home run record due to steroid revelations. It won't end there. If it turns out Bill Clinton was on Viagra, Andrew Johnson could regain his record as the only president ever impeached.

Alex Rodriguez was shown in photos Thursday drinking Gray Goose vodka with two party girls on his lap the night before his steroid admission. He is one reckless man. Hasn't he heard that geese have replaced al-Qaeda as America's top travel threat?

The Westminster Kennel Club treated its Best in Show dog Stump to a steak dinner at Grand Central. The Sussex spaniel is one of the most intelligent breeds. The ten-year-old dog is so smart he refused to eat the steak and insisted on grilled fish.

Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman demanded Wednesday that President Obama apologize for ripping banks who hold their conventions in Las Vegas. The hotels are suffering from huge cancellations. Right now the only person staying in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.

President Obama saw a play at Ford's Theater Thursday to mark Abraham Lincoln's two hundredth birthday. After the play he stood onstage in front of the actors and addressed the audience. This is no place for a president to turn his back to an actor.

President Obama said at Ford's Theater Thursday that President Lincoln would want Americans to work in a bipartisan way today. That's insane. Abe Lincoln's idea of bipartisan was for Sherman to attack from the North and Grant to attack from the West.

GOP Senator Judd Gregg withdrew as Commerce Secretary Friday because he didn't like the administration's policies. He said he was making the decision solely on principle. Two news channels refused to cover the story because it sounded like a hoax.

PI magazine said Monday the bad economy hurt Valentine's Day business for detectives. This used to be their busiest time of the year. The bottom fell out when wives realized it was a better deal to lose the house than to pay the detectives.

Hillary Clinton dispatched a delegation to India Thursday to mark the fiftieth anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's visit there. He was a great peacemaker. He may have prevented a war between India and Pakistan with his Don't Have a Cow speech.

Venezuela voters threatened to eat their ballots in the voting booth on Sunday to protest Hugo Chavez's referendum to stay in power. The dictator is being a good sport about it. He's ordered all the ballots to be coated with American peanut butter.

Michael Phelps was suspended for pot Friday before A-Rod admitted to steroids after John Daly was suspended for drinking and a year after Barack Obama admitted snorting coke. It never ends. The Puritans won't be happy until James Bond opens each movie by introducing himself to a roomful of people as a sex addict and an alcoholic.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Clippers former general manager Elgin Baylor sued team owner Donald Sterling Thursday alleging he ran the team like a Southern plantation. For crying out loud, this is Los Angeles. The whippings in the locker room were sexual, not racist.

Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada plea-bargained with federal prosecutors over his untruthful testimony to congressional staffers about steroid use. He pleaded guilty to lying to Congress. It's the moral equivalent of overcharging an oil company.

Bud Selig said Friday he may suspend Alex Rodriguez for steroid use six years ago. Back then, using steroids wasn't against the rules of baseball, it was merely illegal. If Bud Selig suspends every player who ever broke the law, the Vatican City Friars would have trouble fielding a team because they once tested positive for swastikas.

Nadya Suleman was revealed Friday to be supporting her six children with food stamps, disability and welfare, and that was before she had eight babies who are still in the hospital at state expense. Californians are getting resentful. She has personally caused the layoff of two teachers and the cancellation of a highway project.

Sean Penn announced Thursday he will star in a movie about the life of Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. Finding people to play Moe and Curly won't be any problem. At the rate people are leaving the Obama cabinet there are plenty of stooges available.

President Obama will give his State of the Union speech in the U.S. Capitol next week. He will address a joint session of Congress and the gallery. The gallery is for spectators and disinterested bystanders, but the Republicans have to sit somewhere.

Toyota announced Tuesday it will lay off ten percent of its U.S. workforce. Its three thousand U.S. executives will get cuts in salary and no bonuses. Franklin D. Roosevelt counterattacked over less damage than this and ended the Great Depression.

Illinois's impeached former governor Rod Blagojevich was offered a minor league baseball contract by the Joliet Jackhammers Thursday. The team should offer him a job in the box office. No one has more experience selling seats than Rod Blagojevich.

The Weather Channel aired footage of tornado destruction in Oklahoma and Texas Monday. The next day contractors reported huge orders from senior citizens buying tornado shelters. Southerners aren't afraid to die, but they're not about to be killed.

The U.S. Navy captured sixteen Somali pirates in a ship off Africa Friday. The pirates were seizing Saudi oil tankers, holding them ransom, then throwing beer and cocaine parties with hookers in Mogadishu with the ransom money. These guys are smarter than we thought, if they had invested this money they'd have nothing to show for it.

Hillary Clinton was sent on a diplomatic mission to Asia over the weekend. She left on Valentine's Day and will be out of the country for a week. President Obama wanted to do something nice for Bill Clinton after forcing him to disclose his donors.

Senate Democrats refused to co-sponsor a bill protecting free speech on radio last week. They want the Fairness Doctrine back. Liberals are convinced their economic program will work if they can just get Rush Limbaugh to stop pointing out why it won't.

Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada might be sent home to the Dominican Republic by the Immigration Department after lying to Congress about steroids. There are similar stories. When Lucky Luciano came to America as a little boy a hundred years ago he had one nickel, and by the time he was deported he was worth fifty million dollars.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-15-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address to Congress a week from Tuesday. He will begin his speech by saying the state of the union is strong. It's always a good idea to open with a joke.

President Obama hailed the stimulus bill's passage by the Senate Tuesday. What a close call. Right now the country is evenly divided between the people who are terrified of eating the poisoned peanut butter and the people who are shopping for it.

The Republican Party announced Thursday that Louisiana's Governor Bobby Jindal will deliver the GOP response to President Obama's State of the Union speech. He's a rising star in the GOP because he's not an old white guy. Old white guys are in such disrepute in America that God wants his name moved to the other side of the money.

Brett Favre retired Thursday after playing one year with the New York Jets. He wants to go home to Mississippi rather than take thirteen million dollars to play one more season. He doesn't feel right having a job in New York when no one else does.

New York Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner issued a statement Wednesday on Alex Rodriguez's admission of steroid use. It was exactly what you'd expect. He forgave Alex Rodriguez for using steroids to have an MVP season with the Texas Rangers six years ago as long as he understands that the important thing is that he does it again.

Kellogg's was boycotted by marijuana activists Monday for firing Michael Phelps as their commercial spokesman because he smoked pot. Athletes are risky role models. It's why Tony the Tiger always tells his wife not to worry, he'll get his job back soon enough.

Mayor Oscar Goodman demanded President Obama apologize Thursday for denouncing banks that hold conventions in Las Vegas. It's bad. There have been so many cancellations in Las Vegas that Harry Reid had to slip a bailout for hookers into the stimulus package.

Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss halted plans for a male-staffed brothel in Nevada to service women. It didn't work. The business had the same problem that every other business in America is having, too many job applicants and not enough customers.

Nadya Suleman's NBC Dateline interview drew huge ratings Tuesday. The octuplet mom got an offer from an Indiana farmer to move in with him and his family. If she moves in with him, the state could get one more congressional seat in the next census.

Congress faced off against the nation's leading bankers in televised hearings last week. There was much screaming about wasted money, irresponsible actions, lavish perks and travel aboard corporate jets. The bankers really gave it to the congressmen.

Florida gun stores reported Thursday that ammunition is flying off the shelves in record amounts in Palm Beach. It's earth-friendly. The shooters intend to get the bullets back after they dissect Bernie Madoff, so they get a tax break for recycling.

Bernie Madoff's wife Ruth Madoff was found Wednesday to have withdrawn fifteen million dollars the night before his arrest for swindling investors out of fifty billion dollars. It's not that she knew what was coming. It's that her husband had just come to her with a can't-miss investment opportunity, and she was ready to go all in.

The U.S. Senate passed an economic stimulus plan Tuesday which includes millions to buy a government fleet of electric cars. They won't just be buying Chevy Volts and Ford Spirits, but Neighborhood Electric Vehicles. Senate Democrats were able to get three Republican votes by slipping in a federal contract for golf cart makers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-13-09

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel showed tornadoes hitting Oak Tree Country Club near Oklahoma City Tuesday, ten years after a twister hit the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club. The communists are everywhere. Even the tornadoes are trying to spread the wealth.

Charles Darwin is celebrated on Friday on the two hundredth anniversary of the Father of Evolution's birth in England. By coincidence, Abe Lincoln won born on the same day. Only basketball ever caused more fighting in Kansas than these two guys.

Alex Rodriguez admitted Monday that he used steroids after signing the richest sports contract ever. Barack Obama did cocaine and became president and Michael Phelps smoked pot and won the Olympics. The message to young people is, it's high at the top.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday he'll meet with the U.S., but only under strict conditions. There's something to be said for bad relations. If Iran has a missile that can reach Pearl Harbor, we could be out of this depression in no time.

The International starring Clive Owen opens today about an Interpol cop who brings down a corrupt bank in New York. It's so realistic. Tickets are a hundred bucks, ten dollars to see the movie and ninety dollars to bail out the bank on its way down.

Confessions of a Shopaholic is released in theaters nationwide on Friday. Just two days earlier, the Senate, the Treasury Secretary and the Fed Chairman proposed spending three trillion dollars in one day. It's the most aggravating movie promotion since Cecil B. DeMille placed the Ten Commandments on courthouse lawns across America.

Prince Harry broke up Monday with his fiancee, who alleges he's always flirting with other girls. That's what happens. From birth they have been training Prince William to be King of England and Prince Harry to be President of the United States.

President Obama's press conference answers ran so long Monday that one network cut away from him in mid-answer to cover the Westminster Dog Show in New York. No one was upset. It was comforting to libertarians to see that no matter how much power the president grabs for himself, he'll never be powerful enough to pre-empt a dog show.

The Westminster Dog Show got underway in New York City Monday. Handlers placed Vicks Vapo Rub on the noses of males so they can't smell the females in heat during the show. If Hillary Clinton had known this trick she might still be the little woman.

The Westminster Dog Show was picketed Monday by animal rights activists dressed in Ku Klux Klan robes. The show always draws protests. Last year a Korean health group was there to protest the fact that one dog has more grams of fat than a Big Mac.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner rolled out the administration's plan to relieve bank balance sheets Tuesday. They want to create an environment where people feel encouraged to purchase toxic assets. They should try to find out how Studio 54 did it.

McDonald's announced a big jump in sales Monday as the economic slump has drawn upscale diners from fancy restaurants to the Golden Arches. The new customers are easy to spot. They order red wine with a Big Mac and white wine with Filet o' Fish.

President Obama held a town hall meeting in Fort Myers Tuesday, following a stump speech carried by the cable news channels in which he badgered Congress to agree on a stimulus bill. He was on television for two solid hours. He's trying to cut back.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger described his heroic river landing on CBS' 60 Minutes. No one can believe the geese were big enough to bring down a passenger jet. The New York Yankees have been asked to stop sharing their needles with wildlife.

New York Yankees superstar Alex Rodriguez admitted in an interview Monday that he used steroids six years ago. This ends years of denials. Once again we should have believed Jose Canseco when he told us that mortgage-backed bonds were worthless.

President Obama was grandiloquent at his first press conference Monday. Each of his answers was at least seven minutes long. He's only been in office two weeks and already three White House stenographers have been hospitalized for carpal tunnel.

Nadya Suleman's mom slammed her Monday for contriving to have octuplets on top of the six babies she had already. It's not all bad. She's had two marriage proposals from cabinet secretaries who want to get those child tax credits before they file in April.

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars a congressman makes, a prostitute makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work.

Senate Republicans dug in Monday and vowed to fight the stimulus bill with all their might. They have basic philosophical differences. Republicans cut down trees to get a clearer view of the green, while Democrats cut down trees to print more money.

The Grammy Awards show aired live from L.A. Sunday as the world's greatest music acts led by Led Zeppelin took turns performing. They were all sensational. Now that drugs have moved from the music industry to sports, everyone shows up for rehearsal.

Michael Phelps was suspended by USA Swimming after he was photographed smoking pot last week. He lost one endorsement deal, although he's picked up another one. Kellogg's dropped him the next day but his face will be on every box of Nabisco's Shredded Weed.

Hasbro announced Monday its fourth quarter profits dropped thirty percent from last year. Still, investors are optimistic. They expect huge profits when the Pentagon orders one hundred and thirty-two thousand GI Joe dolls to replace the troops in Iraq.

President Obama vowed in Elkhart Monday to put unemployed recreational vehicle makers back to work. He doesn't want to boost gas hogs but he wants to boost RV sales. He's not going to let anyone drive them, he just wants them for housing in New Orleans.

Wall Streeters were reported Monday to be transferring deeds to their mansions to their wives. It was a no-brainer. Given the choice of either hiding their assets from the divorce lawyers or hiding their assets from the SEC, they made the easy choice.

President Obama was grilled by Indianans Monday about why his cabinet nominees didn't pay taxes. Democrats tried to spin it into a great civil rights victory. Tom Daschle no longer has to sit in the back of the limo, he can sit right behind the wheel.

NATO officials asked Sunday for more German troops in the Afghan war but right now German soldiers are not allowed to serve on the front lines. Las Vegas is watching closely. If the German Army enters the war the over-under is three countries.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger described his Hudson River landing on CBS' 60 Minutes on Sunday. The pilot said the rescue boat crews were the real heroes. They only had minutes to get to the passengers in the icy river before the lawyers did.

Alex Rodriguez admitted using steroids Monday a year after he denied it to Katie Couric. His image is ruined. He could break the all-time record for lying athletes and murder two ex-wives and a waiter and people will always say he did it on steroids.

President Obama had his first primetime press conference from the White House Monday. His eloquence was dazzling but he went an hour without getting one laugh. President Bush used to hire people to throw shoes at him to keep this from happening.

The Border Patrol reported Friday that its Texas border fence is only seventy miles from completion. Things have changed. Illegal aliens used to do the jobs Americans refused to do, and today the only job Americans refuse to do is baby-sitting octuplets.

Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman offered her story to TV for two million dollars Monday. She's trying everything to get some quick cash. She even called President Obama and said she is in the biggest post-partum depression since the 1930s.

President Obama banged his head on the doorway of his Marine One helicopter on Monday as he was leaving for Florida. He must have hit it pretty hard. He spent the rest of the day on the line with Dick Cheney plotting the overthrow of Saddam Hussein.

Los Angeles hillside suburbs suffered mudslides Sunday following three days of pouring rain in Southern California. It made great television. They aired dramatic footage of houses sliding down and crashing and that was just on the Business Channel.

NATO attacked poppy farms in Afghanistan Monday to reduce terror funding. They make hundreds of millions of dollars off illegal drugs. We're just days away from al-Qaeda announcing they're going to manufacture cars and put Detroit out of business.

Osama bin Laden's niece was scheduled Monday to sing at a London nightclub later this month. She's working because her family is a little strapped for ready cash. Her uncle brought destruction and chaos to New York City and then his bonus check bounced.

President Obama flew to Indiana Monday where he addressed the people of unemployment-plagued Elkhart. They make recreational vehicles but business is way down. Their best customers disappeared when country music fans learned how to download their favorite singers for free.

The White House took control of the U.S. Census Friday, igniting a firestorm from Republicans who want each individual counted and Democrats who want sampling. Some neighborhoods are difficult to count. In Los Angeles the census takers go down Central Avenue in armored vehicles and order everyone to come out with their hands up.

Bill Clinton urged Democrats not to ruin their win with partisan behavior when he addressed a party retreat on Saturday. He said he learned that too much power can be a bad thing. The first thing that happens is the chicks won't leave you alone.

Sarah Palin was slammed by Ashley Judd for participating in the aerial hunting of wolves in Alaska. They reached a compromise. Sarah Palin will continue shooting wolves from a helicopter but she's agreed to stop playing Wagner over the loudspeaker.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

New York Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez was reported by Sports Illustrated on Saturday to have tested positive for steroids in anonymous testing six years ago. Everyone in New York City is disgusted. Even Alex Rodriguez turned out to be a bubble.

President Obama warned listeners Saturday that we're headed for an irreversible catastrophe if the stimulus bill isn't passed. The radio broadcast didn't have its intended effect. It set off a nationwide panic that Martians had landed in New Jersey.

The Magna Carta went on display at the Reagan Library Friday. The document was signed eight hundred years ago, setting limits on a king's power. It stood as the foundation of democracy until President Bush signed an executive order overturning it.

David Beckham acknowledged to sportswriters Saturday that he would rather play soccer for Milan than for the Los Angeles Galaxy. It ended a noble experiment. David Beckham was the first Anglo-Saxon to migrate to Los Angeles since the Dust Bowl.

Michael Phelps was suspended by USA Swimming Saturday when he admitted smoking pot. Barack Obama used pot and Alex Rodriguez used steroids. At the rate Americans are testing positive, the next statue on the National Mall will honor Hunter Thompson.

Octuplet mom Nadya Suleman was on the Today show Monday and downplayed concern about her sanity. She's addicted to babies and she was hired to work at a fertility clinic. Everyone criticizes unemployment but nobody ever considers the good it can do.

New York Realtors said Friday that mansions in the Hamptons are plummeting in price. Twenty-million-dollar homes are on sale for fifteen million dollars. That is, unless you want the refrigerator stocked with groceries and then it's sixteen million.

President Obama held a press conference Monday night at the White House. It was his first press conference in prime time. He told his agent he's sick and tired of throwing away his talents doing daytime television and he wants to go where the money is.

President Obama put a five-hundred-thousand-dollar salary cap on companies that take bailout money. It's unheard of. Second-string Major League shortstops used to dream of making more money than the president of the Bank of America, and now they do.

Pope Benedict will meet with American Jewish leaders Thursday. The pope's task is to explain why he reversed the excommunication of a Holocaust-denying bishop. He is going to say that he honestly believed the world was just tired of hearing bad news.

The U.S. Senate stayed in session all weekend battling over the stimulus bill. This bill includes nine hundred thousand dollars to build a Frisbee golf course in Austin. It sounds like they're throwing away taxpayer money trying turn hippies into Republicans.

President Obama warned Florida of added disaster Tuesday if his stimulus bill isn't passed. He hasn't stopped scowling since he took office. Barack Obama believes as an article of faith that you should start each day with a smile, and get it over with.

Senate Republicans blasted fellow GOP senators Olympia Snowe and Arlen Specter and Susan Collins for compromising on the stimulus bill Friday. These three moderate Republicans have gone from being the minority of the minority to controlling the fate of a trillion dollars in government spending. They've gained so much muscle so quickly that the Commissioner of Baseball has just banned them from the Hall of Fame.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

New York madam Kristin Davis said Wall Street bankers partied with her hookers last year and put it on the corporate credit card as consulting work. No way. If hookers had consulted for investment bankers last year, retirement accounts would be moaning with pleasure today.

Michael Phelps lost his Kellogg's endorsement Friday after he was photographed smoking pot. His ten-thousand-calorie-a-day diet now makes perfect sense. If you think he makes good time when he swims you should see him eat his way through a 7-Eleven.

The U.S. Border Patrol announced Friday its seven-hundred-mile-long border fence in Texas is only seventy miles short of being completed. The barrier is eighteen feet high. This fence is constantly being knocked down, lately from the American side.

Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman went on the Today Show this morning. She's unemployed and her father will have to support all fourteen of her children. He's just gone home to Baghdad to work as a flamenco dancer in hopes of finding a landmine.

US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger was interviewed on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday. He is a hero. He saved a hundred and fifty-five people that day, depriving their families of the life insurance payout which might have saved their houses from foreclosure.

The San Fernando Valley reported heavy flooding Thursday when winter rains hit Los Angeles. It was just more of the same. Thanks to the housing crisis, Los Angeles real estate is already so far underwater that there are dolphins in the spare bedrooms.

Jane Fonda ripped Bernie Madoff Thursday for scamming so many investors and so many of her close friends out of their life savings. She long ago turned her back on communism. Her latest workout tape shows fifty ways to renegotiate a mortgage.

President Obama ordered a five hundred thousand dollar salary cap on companies who take federal bailout money Wednesday. A lot of people are resisting. Bank of America is just going to have to accept they are never going to sign Manny Ramirez.

Ringling Brothers announced in Sarasota on Thursday that they just named their newborn baby elephant Barack. He was born Monday. The veterinarian got the idea for the name when President Obama said he wants a stimulus bill that was shovel-ready.

President Obama addressed Democrats at Colonial Williamsburg and demanded they pass his stimulus bill. The resort recreates the time when America belonged to Great Britain. People go there to experience what life was like when we were a free country.

The White House ripped Republicans for delaying the stimulus bill Friday. West Wing tempers have really begun to flare. At the rate things are going, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel may edge Christian Bale for the Nobel Prize for Profanity.

The Senate hesitated to pass the president's stimulus bill Friday. GOP leaders and talk radio hosts rallied opposition by listing its new spending. Congress had to subsidize cabbage growers to make sure there'd be enough cole slaw to go with the pork.

The White House released grim numbers Friday showing that six hundred thousand people lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is spreading fast. The problem was not helped when everybody who was nominated for the cabinet fired their tax preparers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-8-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tucson was outraged when a porno movie aired for half a minute during the Super Bowl broadcast. Community standards differ. In New York sex is a sport, in Paris it's an art, in Los Angeles it's a profession and in Washington D.C. it's a stimulus package.

The U.S. Senate worked all week to try to trim the fat off the economic stimulus bill. The bill is unbelievably expensive, it's possibly reckless and no one knows if it will lead to bankruptcy. This is the legislative equivalent of having octuplets.

Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty in federal court on Thursday to charges he lied to investigators about using steroids. It's so sad. If only they had given a urine test to mortgage-backed bonds instead of Barry Bonds, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Bobby Knight was reported Monday to be seeking the coaching job at the University of Georgia. In addition to being a college basketball broadcaster, he's also the pitchman for a Lubbock furniture store. If you buy the sofa, he'll throw in the chair.

David Beckham made plans Wednesday to leave the Los Angeles Galaxy and stay in Italy to play for Milan. He moved to Los Angeles and bought a house for twenty million dollars two years ago. He doesn't mind being booed but he won't be laughed at.

Bank of America revealed Thursday it's selling three of its nine corporate jets. It was a sad day. The bank didn't want to sell the aircraft but at the rate the stock is losing altitude even Sully Sullenberger couldn't have saved those planes.

The National Transportation Safety Board backed up Sully Sullenberger's story that both of his jet airliner engines were attacked by geese, forcing him to land in the Hudson River. The birds were roasted inside the jet engines. You knew when the Food Network decided to shoot on location that something bad was going to happen.

CIA Director nominee Leon Panetta faced criticism in his Senate hearings about the millions he took in speaking fees last year. He paid all the taxes he owed on the income. He's being criticized for ruining the curve for the rest of the cabinet.

Labor Secretary nominee Hilda Solis admitted Thursday that there's a sixty-five hundred dollar business tax lien against her husband. He had sixteen years of unpaid business taxes. This Easter President Obama is going to be on the White House lawn with all his cabinet secretaries and they're going to play hide-and-seek with the IRS.

President Obama's admission that he screwed up vetting cabinet appointees drew raves for his honesty Friday. The last president never admitted screwing up on the job. It took a DNA test to get the president before that to admit he screwed anything.

Illinois electronic freeway signs were hacked Friday to warn drivers a carpool lane was closed due to Nazi zombies and raptors. Some people got the prank. Everyone else just assumed it was Dick Cheney listing more reasons not to close Guantanamo.

President Obama signed a children's health insurance law on Wednesday and paid for it by slapping an additional sixty-cent federal tax on cigarettes. This is terrible. If cigarettes get any more expensive it's going to make crack cost-effective.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps resumed training in Baltimore on Thursday after his wild week in the tabloids. He was smoking pot at a party and someone got a picture of it. He knew that everyone's cellphone is a camera now, but he thought as long as he wasn't yelling the N-word in a comedy club, it wouldn't hurt his career.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Super Bowl viewers in Tucson got an eyeful Sunday when a porno movie aired for thirty seconds after the Arizona Cardinals scored late. Fortunately the referees didn't see it. It's a fifteen yard penalty for excessive celebration after a touchdown.

Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt said he was stunned when he got a Super Bowl post-game call on his cellphone from President Obama. He said nobody has his cellphone number. It's a creepy way of finding out you're on the terrorist watch list.

President Obama signed a law Wednesday that offers government health insurance to four million more poor children. It's much needed. Thanks to all the unregulated Los Angeles fertility clinics, California now grows more poor children than oranges.

Dick Cheney bragged Tuesday about the Bush administration's record of preventing more terror attacks. That they did. Thanks to the Bush administration policies, if you fly an airliner into a skyscraper today, all you will wipe out is empty office space.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said Tuesday he believes the world economy is in a depression. It won't be anything like the last depression. In downtown Los Angeles there are two separate bread lines, one for whole wheat and one for croissants.

Denny's gave out two million free Grand Slam breakfasts Tuesday. The breakfast is a big favorite of Democrats. The Republican Grand Slam is when you play golf on Thanksgiving, Christmas, your wife's birthday and your anniversary, all in one year.

The Washington Post reported Wednesday the stimulus bill was in trouble in the Senate. Republicans point out that the plan gives money to people who don't pay taxes. Nobody could be in favor of a bill that gives these cabinet appointees anything.

President Obama admitted Tuesday he screwed up screening cabinet nominees. He didn't examine their tax returns closely enough. He thought he'd ordered them to be picked up during the Inaugural Parade and shipped away to farms for use as fertilizer.

The White House capped salaries for bankers who took the bailout money at five hundred thousand a year. Wall Street is aghast. Today we're capping their salaries, tomorrow we'll be shooting their children in the basement of the Winter Palace.

President Obama agreed to sign a bill giving people without cable TV forty-dollar coupons to buy digital converter boxes before the deadline. A lot of people don't want Barack Obama to give them a converter box. They like the religion they are.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn had the governor's mansion fumigated Tuesday after Rod Blagojevich was removed from office. It's a new day. The entire governor's mansion is being renovated including the den, where they have added a Truth Serum Bar.

Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant scored a Madison Square Garden record sixty-one points against the Knicks Monday. He was cheered by opposing fans. The Lakers look so great that people in Los Angeles are already picking out a place to burn down in June.

Michael Phelps apologized Sunday when a newspaper photo showed him smoking pot at a South Carolina campus party. It makes you giddy and lethargic. The drug was introduced in South Carolina thirty years ago in a futile effort to kill the war talk.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Pittsburgh Steelers drew a quarter million people for a Super Bowl victory parade Tuesday. Fans showed up at eight in the morning to beat the crowds. It's the first time anyone in Pittsburgh's had to set an alarm since the recession started.

Michael Phelps was threatened with arrest by a South Carolina sheriff Tuesday after he was shown in the London Sun smoking pot at a party in Columbia. What can they do? If they lock him up on Parris Island he'll just swim to safety in record time.

Ashley Judd aired a wildlife advocacy commercial Tuesday blasting Sarah Palin for the aerial killing of wolves. The actress has always been against the practice. The wolf you kill today is the casting director you can't call for a favor tomorrow.

Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman Tuesday set a price for an interview with her at two million dollars. She thinks she can get a TV career by exploiting her children. If this doesn't work she's going to marry the Osmond Family choreographer.

Hillary Clinton got a big laugh at her swearing-in ceremony on Monday when she looked at Bill and thanked him for a lifetime of all kinds of experiences. Amid the laughter he turned beet red. We know nothing embarrasses him so he must've been angry.

Manny Ramirez turned down a twenty-five million dollar one-year offer from the L.A. Dodgers on Monday. His options are dwindling. He wanted a job in the Obama administration but he's completely paid up on his taxes and that killed his nomination.

President Obama dropped in on a charter school in Washington D.C. with Michelle Tuesday. They read stories to second-graders. The kids just loved the fairy tale about the former senator who got a free limo from the lobbyist and never did him any favors.

Tom Daschle withdrew his name for HHS Secretary Tuesday. He was nailed by back taxes, lavish speaking fees and his free limo. Once he was thrown out by the voters of South Dakota and didn't have to obey ethics rules, he was like Hercules unchained.

Tom Daschle paid up his back taxes Tuesday as did Treasury nominee Tim Geithner and ethics nominee Nancy Killefer before she withdrew. It's starting to add up. If Americans can stay patient, Barack Obama will balance the budget one nominee at a time.

Nancy Killefer withdrew her name for White House ethics enforcer Tuesday after unpaid taxes and liens on her house in Washington came back to haunt her. It's a shock. Usually when a woman keeps a house in Washington it's a sex scandal, not a tax scandal.

Iran successfully launched its first satellite into orbit Tuesday, which circled the earth for a couple of days. Reaction was instantaneous. Raytheon salesmen were on the next plane to Tel Aviv with a scale model of their new Satellite Shooter Downer.

The National Realtors Association said on Tuesday that housing sales rebounded in December. Still, we're not out of the woods. Every time an escrow closes, a Benihana chef is standing there with a knife to slice up the mortgage and sell it to China.

Barack Obama told NBC News Tuesday his administration will limit executive pay for any company that receives help from the financial bailout program. Trophy wives are ready to slit their wrists. If they had known they were going to get stuck with some deadwood capped at a hundred grand a year they would have married for love.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Michael Phelps was photographed smoking marijuana at a campus party Sunday. He smoked pot and still won eight gold medals, and Barack Obama smoked pot and went on to get elected president. The war on drugs is going worse than the war in Afghanistan.

The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl Sunday with President Obama rooting for them in the White House. It was exciting. Arizona would have won but the White House put together a seven-point bailout for the steel industry with a minute to play.

President Obama infuriated liberals Monday by saying that his differences with the Republicans on the stimulus bill are slight. We've seen this before. In America you get elected by running to the left of Lenin and you get re-elected by governing to the right of Churchill.

Wall Street companies reported giving out eighteen billion in bonuses Thursday. It's awful. No one wants to say the bonuses are obscene but this month's centerfold in Hustler shows the spread between Wall Street's salaries and the rest of the country's.

The Super Bowl featured an ad Sunday showing Ed McMahon and MC Hammer selling their gold for much-needed cash. It's a warning to successful men seeking trophy wives. The biggest lie in advertising is that Viagra only costs twelve dollars a pill.

Los Angeles octuplet mother Nadya Suleman was revealed Saturday to be a single mother of fourteen. The babies' grandpa went home to Iraq to find a job as a contractor. The only way you can support fourteen kids is to be a line item in the Pentagon budget.

Mississippi's legislature voted permission on Monday for the governor's office to sell Mississippi's state jet on eBay. It could fetch a fortune. The jet's not that valuable but it may be your last chance for eight years to buy a Confederate flag.

Illinois former governor Rod Blagojevich became a national star last week during his battle to keep his job. He was thrown out of office for trying to get money he never actually got. That explains the incompetence count in the articles of impeachment.

Hillary Clinton announced Monday her first trip abroad will be to China, Japan, South Korea and Southeast Asia next week. She said she's especially looking forward to visiting Indonesia. She will never give up the search for Obama's birth certificate.

Cuba's president Raul Castro signed a partnership pact with Moscow Monday and brought best wishes to Russia from his brother Fidel. The man simply refuses to die. Every American president since Harry Truman has been survived by his wife and Fidel Castro.

North Carolina police broke up a cockfighting ring Sunday and arrested seventy people. They found a pile of dead roosters from earlier battles. Police were tipped to it last weekend when they noticed a lot of hens complaining about the man shortage.

President Obama was upset Friday that his image is being used to sell products. It's tricky. White House lawyers told him under the First Amendment there's nothing he can do, then Obama told the lawyers that under the First Commandment, you just watch.

HHS nominee Tom Daschle paid up one hundred and forty grand in taxes after his returns were examined Monday. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paid up thousands after he was vetted. The only thing scarier than getting a letter from the IRS saying you are getting audited is a letter from the White House saying you've been nominated.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles was buzzing about Iraqi-American Nadya Suleman of Whittier who gave birth to octuplets at Kaiser Hospital last week. She already had six children. When President Bush said he had freed the Iraqi people, some of them took it the wrong way.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger is honored in a new video game called Hero on the Hudson. When he landed that airliner safely on the water he saved more lives than you know. The United pilot he was playing horse with decided to abandon the game.

Tom Cruise flew to Rio Saturday for the South American premiere of Valkyrie, in which he plays Colonel Klaus von Stauffenberg. He holds a press conference today in Brazil. He will be lucky if they don't throw shoes at him for trying to kill Hitler.

Roger Clemens's syringes were analyzed for performance-enhancing drugs Saturday at the nation's top doping lab. Everything is confidential. However, if anything tests positive he will be forced to give up his title as winner of the Kentucky Derby.

President Obama's younger brother George Obama was busted by Nairobi police in his native Kenya Friday for marijuana possession. He's living in a shack with no mortgage and he's high. Now that's the Obama who should be making our decisions for us.

Joe Torre ignited a firestorm among his old New York Yankees team when his new tell-all came out last week. He reveals who likes who, who hates who, and who has a crush on who. It is so adolescent even the pictures in the book are yearbook photos.

Deion Sanders was blamed in a new book for breaking up the Dallas Cowboys' last dynasty. The trouble started when he brought religion on the team. A religious civil war broke out between the guys who worship strippers and the guys who worship cocaine.

Whitey's Chili in Oklahoma recalled their chili under federal order as Georgia recalled all peanut products. You build up a resistance if you eat Southern food long enough. That's why there are still so many Confederate war widows hanging around.

The FDA began a criminal investigation Saturday into the salmonella poisoning from peanut butter products from the American Peanut Company in Georgia. Salmonella causes diarrhea and vomiting. Skippy's thinking of marketing itself as a weight-loss product.

Alaska's governor Sarah Palin was in Washington Saturday to address the highly exclusive Alfalfa Club. She really knows how to make headlines. She gave details of her energy independence plan and then announced that she's pregnant with octuplets.

The House passed a huge stimulus bill laden with pork Thursday. Now the Senate gets to add its pet projects. The reason that the nuclear bomb shelter for Congress is underneath an old cavalry fort in Maryland is so they'll never be far from a trough.

Iraq held local elections Saturday as Sunnis voted for the first time. Security was tight and everyone who voted left the polls with a purple ink-stained finger. If Minnesotans were this careful with their elections they would have a senator by now.

President Obama warned radio listeners on Saturday that economic recovery will take years, just one day after he said the economy was a continuing catastrophe. It's so sad. Ten days ago Barack Obama was so full of hope and today he's an air raid siren.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Rod Blagojevich gave a lengthy speech to the Illinois Senate Thursday to close his impeachment trial. Afterwards the vote to remove him from office was unanimous. He had to learn the hard way you should never open with a Lincoln joke in Springfield.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger is honored in a new video game called Hero of the Hudson. You try to land an airliner after an attack by birds. If you land safely, people come out on the wing and wave, and if you don't, the U.S. bombs the Canary Islands.

The Distilled Spirits Council said Friday people are drinking cheaper stuff and they're drinking at home. We're starting to see the pattern. Savvy investors just realized when Jeb Bush becomes U.S. president the stocks to own will be Gallo and Kraft.

Cheech and Chong had a reunion show at Radio City Music Hall Saturday in which they espoused a far more sober lifestyle than they did in the Seventies. The guys feel a lot healthier ever since they got the marijuana patch. It's in their back yard.

Colorado's Supermax federal prison was put under consideration on Thursday as a place to house the terrorist suspects leaving Guantanamo. How bleak is this prison? When Bob Hope entertained the troops here the girl in the show was Janet Reno.

Hamas declared victory over Israel Friday after the Israeli air campaign wiped out their infrastructure. Their tunnels were destroyed, their hideouts were bombed and their arms factories were leveled. It's the biggest victory since Lehman Brothers.

Exxon Mobil announced record profits Friday. They made forty-five billion dollars last year. Oil companies used to be the villains, but now that they're the only industry in America that doesn't need a bailout, they're entitled to an apology and maybe reparations.

Las Vegas oddsmakers estimated Friday that half the adults in the United States bet on the Super Bowl. It's the same old story. Half the country will lose every bet they make and they will still expect eighteen billion dollars in year-end bonuses.

The Super Bowl crowd was screened by facial recognition cameras in the stadium Sunday. Bomb sniffing dogs patrolled the parking lot and overhead aircraft were banned from the sky. The terrorists used to hate us for our freedoms, but now it's just out of habit.

The Super Bowl did not bring the expected jump in business to Tampa this past weekend. Normally the host city is where CEOs of major national advertisers get together and party. This year the inventor of Snuggies did blow with the Sham Wow guy.

President Obama signed an order Friday to strengthen labor unions. The day before, he mandated California's emission standards. American cars will soon be so expensive that anyone driving one will automatically be targeted for follow-home robberies.

President Obama labeled the U.S. economy a continuing disaster Friday. His press secretary said the doomsday tone is necessary to pass his programs. He tried to promote hope and change and a brighter future but he couldn't get it through Congress.

The Peanut Corporation of America recalled all the products containing peanut paste or peanut oil from its Georgia plant. It caused a salmonella outbreak. The difference between salmonella and Rod Blagojevich is that salmonella can see itself out.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 2-1-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Lingerie Bowl, scheduled to be played today at a Florida nudist colony, was canceled. The models refused to play in front of nudists. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year that no one wants to stare at any reminder of the sagging economy.

President Obama will host a Super Bowl party today for congressmen negotiating his stimulus bill. It's a working dinner. They have to repair the damage from last year's game, when Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae bet sixty billion dollars on New England.

Governor Rod Blagojevich delivered a closing argument in his own behalf at his impeachment trial before he was removed Thursday. He wanted to finish his term. In Illinois a governor serves for four years but with good behavior he can be out in two.

Wall Street firms reported giving their executives eighteen billion dollars in performance bonuses Thursday. How do they rate bonuses? Citibank had such a bad year that they will be picking ahead of the Detroit Lions in the NFL draft this April.

The California Energy Commission on Thursday demanded more energy-efficient TV sets. The flat screens have way too much electricity running through them. If you spill a beer on one of these new TV sets, only a call from the governor will save you.

The New York Times said Wednesday that Barry Bonds's urine tested positive for steroids other than the clear and cream he admitted using. That stuff ruined his life. Every time Barry Bonds walks into Hooters they smile and hand him an application.

Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday that any delay on global warming legislation will end up destroying polar life. He put on a compelling slide show. Apparently the mating ritual for penguins has been reduced to insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.

The Washington Post released a commemorative edition of their Inauguration Day edition after the original sold ten million copies. Newspaper sales have shot way up during this presidency. Just try sleeping on a park bench with a computer over you.

The Caribbean island nation of Antigua announced Wednesday it will rename the highest mountain on the island Mount Obama. It's entirely appropriate. After all, Barack Obama is America's first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four.

President Obama invited leaders of the House and Senate to the White House for cocktails Wednesday hoping to reach legislative agreement over drinks. It can't do any harm. Everyone agrees they couldn't spend any more money drunk than they did sober.

The House of Representatives on Wednesday passed its own version of a stimulus bill. They took out money for contraceptives and then they put in money for sexually transmitted diseases. It's only fair to give everybody a fighting chance for survival.

Saddam Hussein's hometown unveiled a sofa-sized statue honoring the shoe which was thrown at President Bush by Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al Zaida. He threw both his shoes. He might have won the Nobel Peace Prize if only he'd been a centipede.

George W. Bush went to Waco Wednesday to watch a women's basketball game between the Baylor Bears and the Oklahoma Sooners. The home crowd cheered him wildly. No one's done more for the Bears than he did when he refused to bail out Lehman Brothers.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio