Argus Hamilton's column for 1-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Super Bowl is played in Tampa Sunday at Raymond James Stadium. The stadium is named after a Wall Street investment firm. They would like to re-name it after someone with a less negative association, but Hitler Field is copyrighted in Argentina.

London's Wembley Stadium sold out its NFL game next fall in only seven minutes Tuesday. It's surprising that the world loves to watch Americans gain yards and lose yards then gain yards again. You'd think that the Iraq war would be more popular.

NBC pulled a Super Bowl ad by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals that claims vegetarians make better lovers. It shows a lingerie-clad model simulating sex with a pumpkin. PETA has been overwhelmed with requests for her pumpkin pie recipe.

Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive began offering customers plain white sacks on Tuesday to allow them to hide their affluence as they walk in public. The customers were terribly grateful. If Congress sees what they're buying they might cancel the bailout.

Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday about the danger of global warming while ice storms knocked out power nationwide. This is insane. The only reason George W. Bush is the worst president in history is because Al Gore didn't get a chance at the title.

The Postal Service asked Congress for permission Thursday to end mail delivery service on Saturdays to try to cut costs. Why stop just Saturday? If they closed the entire Post Office no one would get their bills and the economy might recover.

Rush Limbaugh began a prairie fire of opposition to President Obama's stimulus bill Tuesday. Conservatives oppose all government meddling in the economy. If the government had not cracked down on identity fraud, Circuit City would still be in business today.

President Obama summoned corporate leaders to the Oval Office Wednesday to get them behind the stimulus bill. Everyone's preparing for a long, long recession. Boeing Aircraft announced a plan Tuesday to lay off workers who haven't been born yet.

President Obama worked hard to pass his economic stimulus bill Tuesday. Things appear dire. If the stimulus plan doesn't work, the recession could spiral into a depression, leaving us with no viable economic option but to declare war on Japan.

The House of Representatives passed a stimulus bill with no Republicans voting for it Wednesday. It included millions for sexually transmitted diseases. A lot of congressmen never fully paid off their debts to the estate of the Washington D.C. madam.

Osama bin Laden said Monday U.S. foreign policy caused the economic crisis. He's doing fine. Al-Qaeda is cash-heavy because the U.S. kept banks from accepting their money, making Osama bin Laden the favorite to win this year's Nobel Prize in Economics.

US Airways was sued by passengers on the plane that landed on the Hudson River two weeks ago when a flock of geese flew headfirst into the jet engines. It won't happen again. The geese regained their will to live after President Bush left office.

George W. Bush spent his first week out of office at his Crawford ranch, where he prepared to move into his suburban Dallas house. Texas took him back ten days ago. The woman who works at the returns window can't believe we bought him twice.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Wisconsin Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday declaring that high school cheerleading is a contact sport like football. Not exactly. In football illegal use of the hands is fifteen yards, while in high school cheerleading it's fifteen years.

President Obama persuaded Democrats Tuesday to take out the money in the stimulus bill for birth control for poor people. It's too late. Working class couples in Los Angeles are already having octuplets just for the refundable child tax credits.

Los Angeles was reported Tuesday to be overrun by coyotes who roam the neighborhoods and eat pet dogs. They've completely adjusted to life in the Hollywood Hills. They attract their victims by promising to introduce them to the director of Marley and Me.

Michael Jackson signed a deal Tuesday to bring Thriller to Broadway as a stage musical. Lawyers are ironing out the details. There's no truth to the rumor that there will be a special matinee for children in the dressing room with the lights out.

Al Gore delayed his Congressional testimony about the climate crisis on Tuesday when ice storms made flying to Washington unsafe. He can't warn about global warming due to the cold weather. Never buy a memory course from a guy who has his pants on backwards.

George Mitchell was dispatched to the Mideast Monday and Richard Holbrooke was sent to Pakistan, and Joe Biden is Germany-bound. Hillary must stay home. Until this Illinois governor thing is settled no one from Chicago is allowed to leave the country.

U.S. officials admitted Tuesday the Bush administration's warning about a Somali terror threat on Inauguration Day was a hoax. They couldn't resist. They didn't want to miss one more chance to extend their perfect record of being wrong about everything.

The U.S. Army opened a fat farm for recruits to shape them up for basic training camp. Obesity has become a problem. The reason we have to keep so many soldiers in Korea is to keep the earth from wobbling from all the troops we have in the Middle East.

The Pentagon said Monday a former Guantanamo prisoner is now the chief of al-Qaeda in Yemen. When the U.S. released him they sent him to a terrorist rehab in Saudi Arabia. That is like sending Charles Barkley to Atlantic City to get his act together.

Sarah Palin will address the highly exclusive Alfalfa Club in Washington D.C. this weekend. It was founded as a men's club to honor Robert E. Lee and cherish his character. This would be the first time they ever hired a girl to pop out of the cake.

New York's Governor Dave Paterson denied Tuesday that he spread salacious information about Caroline Kennedy to the press. Nobody's buying his story. He did such a number on her that every time she's on television the director puts a blue dot over her face.

Barack Obama told Republicans to quit listening to Rush Limbaugh, then he told Citigroup not to buy a jet. He stepped on free speech, then he stepped on private enterprise before his administration was a week old. Most presidents leave a note in the desk for their successors but George W. Bush left a pair of reflector sunglasses.

Barack Obama granted the first television interview of his presidency Tuesday to an Arab network in Dubai. He wants to patch things up. President Bush severely damaged our relations with the Muslim world when he told them to take their profits from four dollar per gallon gasoline and invest them in the U.S. housing market.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

You're Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush, starring Will Ferrell, opened on Broadway Friday. It is a monster hit. Until you're allowed to laugh at Barack Obama in mixed company, Will Farrell will be the only comic working in New York.

President Obama read off corporate layoffs Monday to help sell his stimulus plan. Forty thousand American workers lost their jobs Monday. This interruption in training could cost us the gold medal in computer solitaire at the London Olympics.

Iceland experienced riots in the capital city of Reykjavik Monday following the sudden failure of an Icelandic bank. Depositors felt blindsided. This all could have been avoided if only Al Gore had made a film warning about mortgage-backed securities.

Citigroup angered taxpayers Monday after the bailed-out bank purchased a fifty million dollar corporate jet. It seats twelve. That's one bank executive and eleven congressmen who need a ride back to their districts and don't want to fly commercial.

Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens was given his own reality show Monday. What's his connection to reality? Terrell Owens is such a wreck waiting to happen that the production can't even get insurance unless they hire Sully Sullenberger to direct.

Joe Torre stated in his new book Monday that Alex Rodriguez had a Single White Female-like fixation on shortstop Derek Jeter. It hasn't hurt his endorsement deals. Alex Rodriguez just got an offer to be the spokesman for Overturn Proposition Eight.

The Oklahoma Sooners were rated the top college football program in history by ESPN computers Monday. USC is second but that could change. The Democrats want to spend hundreds of millions on birth control, which could push the Trojans over the top.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi told the Sunday news shows that Congress spending two hundred million dollars on birth control will help stimulate the American economy. This is crazy. An economy that is screwing this many people doesn't need any more stimulation.

President Obama released details of his stimulus package Sunday. He's good for business. The Park Service said that two million people crowded into the national mall on Inauguration Day, which is the first time a mall has been crowded in two years.

Governor Rod Blagojevich boycotted his impeachment trial in the Illinois Senate Monday and appeared on New York talk shows. He compared himself to Gandhi and Abe Lincoln and Martin Luther King. The act is worth a try, it got Barack Obama elected president.

President Obama urged Republicans not to listen to Rush Limbaugh Monday saying his approach is not how to get things done. The president has reason to worry. A Green Bay school accidentally aired his radio show over the school PA system during the Inauguration, and now all the children are wearing Sarah Palin buttons to school.

Hillary Clinton named an envoy for climate change Tuesday, adding to her envoy for the Middle East, her envoy for Pakistan and her envoy for Afghanistan. Is this a good idea? Delegating the management of hot spots is what got her husband impeached.

Caroline Kennedy was reported furious Monday at New York's governor for leaking reports that she was sleeping with the publisher of the New York Times. That's so beneath her. A woman with her background should rate the publisher of the London Times.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for New York's U.S. Senate seat Thursday. This was a smart move. When reports surfaced that she's having an affair with the New York Times publisher even Sully Sullenberger told her to ditch the plane and bail out.

Playboy Magazine announced the closing of its New York offices Friday in order to consolidate all its business operations in Chicago. It was a cost-cutting move. In Chicago the politicians are so slippery the company can save a fortune on baby oil.

The Super Bowl field in Tampa got a coat of fresh paint Saturday in preparation for Sunday's championship game. This year they'll use a fake coin for the pre-game toss. That's so the game isn't delayed by people fighting over the coin on the ground.

Nigerian police arrested a goat for trying to steal a car Friday. They say the thief changed himself into a goat using black magic before his arrest. The governors of Illinois would get away with everything if they could get the secret to this trick.

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar vowed Friday to re-open the Statue of Liberty's crown to sightseers in New York Harbor. Closing it for security was a mistake. If we had some people on lookout up there we might have seen the Wall Street crash coming.

Pope Benedict reinstalled Bishop Richard Williamson, who actively denies the existence of the Holocaust. It never ends. The Catholic Church started its own YouTube channel Friday, but YouTube shut it down two days later because it was pro-Nazi.

Michelle Obama was reported to be angry Friday when a toy company released two dolls named Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia. The company can take it. It's a lot less than the criticism they'd be getting if they'd had to make dolls of the Palin family.

President Obama's tailor, Hart Shaffner and Marx, went bankrupt Saturday. They made the top coat, tuxedo and suit Obama wore on Inauguration Day. They didn't mind paying for the bulletproof fabric but when they had to coat it with Teflon, it was just too much.

Pakistan asked President Obama to halt the missile strikes on suspected Osama bin Laden hideouts. He can surrender now that Guantanamo's closed and no state will let terrorists in their prisons. The only place we could put him is Camp David.

President Obama ordered a basketball hoop and backboard installed on the White House tennis court Friday. The man is extremely competitive. He's going to be sorry he closed Guantanamo every time somebody fouls him while he is in the act of shooting.

Laura Bush visited her new house in North Dallas Saturday. The city closed the street with a security gate. The neighbors don't mind the gate but they're not that happy with their phone lines being routed through the former president's guard shack.

U.S. Rep Kirsten Gillibrand was named New York's U.S. Senator on Thursday. She was Hillary's pick at Caroline's expense, after Caroline turned on Hillary last year and endorsed Barack Obama. When Hillary took the oath of office as Secretary of State Thursday she had her right hand on the Old Testament passage about smiting your enemy.

US Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger got a hero's welcome home in California on Saturday after he landed a stricken airliner safely on the Hudson River. It was a rare good day in the news for white males. In all the coverage of Martin Luther King Day and the Inauguration, not one commentator called for a cockpit that looks like America.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears reportedly signed a fourteen million dollar book deal Wednesday to write her life's story. She was last seen in a tabloid photograph walking on crutches after a recent accident. She swerved to avoid a child and fell off the couch.

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for New York's U.S. Senate seat Wednesday. She pulled out after reports surfaced that she was cheating on her husband. You are only allowed to represent New York in the U.S. Senate if your husband's cheating on you.

Harley-Davidson cut eleven hundred jobs Friday due to a slowdown in motorcycle sales. It's another example of companies ignoring consumer demands. They've had eighty years since the last depression to design a motorcycle that people can live in.

The Weather Channel reported that a cold front descended on South Florida Wednesday and ruined orange crops. It was the coldest three days anyone could remember. The national media wasted no time giving President Obama credit for ending global warming.

Inauguration Day musicians admitted Thursday playing along to a tape recording of themselves because they said the weather was too cold for string instruments. That's so ridiculous. If that were true, Tchaikovsky would have composed for the kazoo.

The CIA launched a missile attack Friday on a suspected al-Qaeda safe house in Pakistan. It's not an indication of the new president's policy. It's just that Joe Biden sat down at his desk and pressed the wrong button for the intercom.

Sarah Palin was reported Friday near a multimillion-dollar book deal. The book has to be racy enough to sell but inspiring enough to get her elected president someday. Her plan is to change a few of the names in the Bible and hope no one notices.

President Obama ordered the closing of Guantanamo and an end to torture interrogations of terror suspects. He thinks they should have regular prison jobs. Conservatives believe that the number of terrorists it takes to paint a wall depends on how hard you throw them.

President Obama added a financial briefing to his morning schedule Thursday to follow the morning intelligence briefing. It fits into the schedule perfectly. The financial briefing will replace the morning sports briefing President Bush used to get.

House Republicans asked Friday how spending hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives stimulates the economy. That's obvious. They help the bar business, the restaurant and hotel business, the florists, and if anyone gets caught, the jewelers.

Rush Limbaugh ripped the new administration on Fox News Thursday and described President Obama's proposed stimulus package as socialism. It's unfair to call him a socialist. Democrats believe it's okay to be rich as long as you feel awful about it.

US Airways Captain Sully Sullenberger got a hero's welcome home in California Saturday ten days after he landed his stricken airliner safely on the Hudson River, saving everybody onboard. He was greeted personally by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The governor asked him to bulk up a little and dye his hair so he can play him in the movie.

Nashville voters rejected a law Thursday that would have required all government business to be done in English. Analysts were surprised. It has nothing to do with immigration, it's just that everybody is trying to learn Chinese so they can get a job.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-25-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Pittsburgh Steeler fans were offered four added flights to the Super Bowl city of Tampa Thursday. The city has two airports. U.S. Airways is based in Pittsburgh and they will let each person select where they want to land, the Allegheny or the Monongahela.

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the New York Senate seat Thursday. There were reports of a nanny problem and a marital problem. If her husband is sleeping with the nanny, psychiatrists are right when they say that women marry their fathers.

Frank Langella was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Richard Nixon. It's one for the history books. Coyotes bring their cubs to watch this movie at outdoor drive-ins out of a sense of pride that one of their own made it to the top.

Barack Obama was sworn in a second time on Thursday after the botched ceremony on Inauguration Day. The first time they forgot to say the word faithfully and the second time they forgot the Bible. He might as well be president of the Playboy Club.

A Green Bay school accidentally played Rush Limbaugh's Inauguration commentary over the PA system Tuesday. Amid all the hubbub, he's offered to speak to the school and take the kids up for a ride in his jet. Now he's on a watch list for sex offenders.

France's former president Jacques Chirac was hospitalized with dog bites Thursday in Paris. He got mauled by his clinically depressed toy poodle. She picked up the scent of another dog on him and she wouldn't be bought off with another jeweled collar.

Iraqi officials said Wednesday they have less money to spend on infrastructure and salaries because the falling price of oil has hit government revenues hard. They said they can't spend money they don't have. Have we taught them nothing in six years?

The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There's outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he's hostile to gun rights.

President Obama revealed Thursday he's been given a new BlackBerry with which he can text-message friends. All the e-mail he sends is subject to the Presidential Records Act. So if he bets on basketball games he will never work as a referee again.

Congress praised Florida in a resolution Friday for winning the BCS title. The BCS bowl system is rigged to make sure that the big and rich schools on top stay big and rich and on top. If they wanted to be fair to everyone they would play soccer.

President Obama ordered an end to the torture of terrorists at Guantanamo last week. Interrogators are looking for new methods. The best way to break people down is to force them to put all their money in the stock market and then watch CNBC all day.

Barack Obama's inauguration Tuesday resulted in the doubling of newspaper sales the next day. Other people benefited greatly from the event. Con men were picking up women at the Inaugural by passing themselves off as heirs to the Port-A-Pottie fortune.

The Chicago Cubs were sold by the Tribune Company for nine hundred million dollars Thursday to the family that founded the TD Ameritrade online brokerage. The two other finalists for the team were a real estate investor and a hedge fund manager. You are not allowed to buy the Cubs unless you have a demonstrated record of losing.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

J. Crew was swamped with orders for the peacoats Barack Obama's daughters wore to the Inauguration. All the orders crashed its website. This recession will be over in a month if we can just get the girls to wear Buicks to the State of the Union.

President Obama was cheered by throngs who waved posters of his face on Inauguration Day. He was also honored by a military parade. North Koreans were happy to see Kim Jong Il is still alive but they wondered how he became president of the United States.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il threatened to attack South Korea Wednesday and warned the United States to stay out or face destruction. He claims that he has missiles that can reach Los Angeles. It's true, if he launches them from Santa Monica.

Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name for U.S. Senator from New York Wednesday. It's clear what happened. Senator Robert Byrd hit on her at the inauguration and she decided she doesn't want to deal with his unwanted advances for the next twenty years.

The National Cathedral held a prayer service for President Obama Wednesday. It aired on cable news networks. It took four centuries but with a stock market ticker running on the screen just below the pulpit, the Episcopal Church liturgy is complete.

President Obama re-took the Oath of Office Wednesday because the Chief Justice forgot to make him say the word faithfully. Everyone had the same thought. If that had happened when Bill Clinton took the oath there'd have been no grounds to impeach him.

Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State Wednesday after she passed Senate confirmation. She took the oath with her left hand resting on the Clinton Family Bible. It took her ten minutes to untangle her fingers from all the loopholes.

President Obama read an Oval Office note from President Bush on Wednesday. The outgoer always leaves a note telling the incomer the one thing he learned. George Bush reminded Barack Obama not to forget, Iraqi reporters are always wearing two shoes.

Will Ferrell's show, You're Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush, sold out its Broadway run. The last three stage hits were about Hitler, Frankenstein and President Bush. Every season they are compelled to top themselves on the fright meter.

The Secret Service rolled out President Obama's new Cadillac limo Tuesday which can withstand a direct hit from an asteroid. It's a work in progress. They add two extra inches of armored plating every time he compares himself to Lincoln or Kennedy.

Barack Obama opened up White House records to historians Wednesday. There are records connecting the Bush family to the BCCI bank which failed twenty years ago after loaning money to Saddam Hussein. Thank God George H.W. Bush isn't the collection agent for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae or he would have run out of rope three months ago.

A Green Bay school played Barack Obama's inauguration on the PA system Tuesday but accidentally had the radio dialed to Rush Limbaugh's running commentary on the event. The teachers were mortified. After its success against the Soviet Union, Radio Free Europe is now trained on U.S. public schools in an attempt to overthrow communism.

Nashville voters went to the polls Thursday to decide whether English should be the mandatory language. This could affect television programming from the country music network. If this measure passes, Hee-Haw will have to be renamed Surely You Jest.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Senator Dianne Feinstein emceed the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday. She accidentally mispronounced a word. She announced that the Chief Justice would execute the Oaf of Office and two Secret Service agents jumped in front of President Bush to save him.

President Obama attended St. John's Episcopal in Washington D.C. Tuesday. It's the church every president attends. It's so influential that in four years Barack Obama will be just another Anglo-Saxon hoping to get in nine holes before the sun goes down.

The Secret Service had to monitor a threat issued by Somali terrorists against the Inaugural ceremony Tuesday. Federal agents screened everyone in the crowd who looked African. So all the progress we have made in civil rights lasted about an hour.

Barack Obama was sworn in as the president of the United States on the Capitol steps despite the cold. He said he wanted the ceremony outside no matter what the weather. He is not going to start his administration by betraying his people, smokers.

Barack Obama took office Tuesday amid a crashing stock market and two overseas wars. He's been saddled with unreasonably high expectations. Five years ago this man was an unknown Illinois lawmaker and today he's President Abraham Luther Roosevelt.

Barack Obama gave a somber Inaugural address Tuesday. The longer he talked, the lower the stock market fell. At the rate he's going he'll be giving his State of the Union address next month on the wing of a U.S. Airways jetliner in the Hudson River.

U.S. Airways sent five thousand dollar checks to each passenger aboard the airliner that landed safely on the Hudson River last week. Some people never learn. Half the people put the money right into the stock market and got killed in Tuesday's crash.

The Inaugural Parade down Pennsylvania Avenue featured plenty of men riding on horseback. What else could they do? The auto executives aren't allowed to fly in private jets and they're not about to get into those death-trap hybrids they built.

The Obama administration took over from the Bush administration on Tuesday in a huge transfer of power. The changeover was smooth. In every post office the FBI took the portraits of President Bush off the wall and put them on the bulletin boards.

President Bush took off from Andrews Air Force Base Tuesday in the plane that used to be Air Force One, and he flew across the country to Texas. It filled him with emotion. He always gets choked up when he looks out the window and surveys the rubble.

Dick Cheney attended the Inaugural in a wheelchair on Tuesday. He maintains he hurt his back while moving boxes into his new house. Doctors told him not to get out of the wheelchair or the judge will never believe he's too sick to stand trial.

Kellogg's recalled its peanut butter sandwich crackers Monday due to salmonella poisoning in the peanuts. It's no accident. Jimmy Carter is trying to poison the American people out of resentment that George W. Bush got two terms and he only got one.

Jeopardy host Alex Trebek began a new show in Canada called Canada's Next Prime Minister. It's come to this. President Bush so discredited democracy around the world that other nations are giving away their top offices as prizes on reality shows.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

U.S. Airways pilot Sully Sullenberger was asked to attend the Inauguration after he became a national hero in New York Friday. He belonged at the inauguration of Barack Obama. This gives us one guy who walks on water and one guy who lands on it.

Barack Obama was inaugurated president Tuesday outside the Capitol. There were three million people attending. This was the largest temporary bathroom event in world history, if you don't count the week we knocked out all the plumbing in Baghdad.

The Weather Channel reported bitterly cold weather in Washington D.C. during the holiday weekend extending into Inaugural Day. Nobody liked the conditions. It was so cold during the Lincoln Memorial concert Sunday that people threw shoes at Al Gore.

The New York Post was first to report Monday that Caroline Kennedy will be New York Governor David Paterson's choice to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate. There wasn't ever any doubt. Children in a bad marriage always get whatever they want.

The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers won the right Sunday to play in the Super Bowl. These two teams play in cities that are suffering from very depressed economies. They sold out their last three home games by offering free soup.

President Bush and Laura went to Condi Rice's apartment at the Watergate for dinner Sunday. You can't make it up. In case there was anybody left in America who doubted President Bush was just like Richard Nixon, his presidency is coming to an end at the Watergate.

Joe Biden's wife let it slip on Oprah Monday that her husband was offered both the vice presidency and Secretary of State. Hillary must be annoyed. She was the Democratic party's second choice for president, she was Barack Obama's second choice for Secretary of State, and she only sees her husband when she pays his speaking fees.

Reverend Rick Warren was picketed by gay protesters on Tuesday as he delivered the invocation at the Inauguration ceremony. He's a Southern Baptist minister who preaches the gospel of Jesus Christ to Southern Californians. Custer had better odds.

Bill Ayers was refused entrance to Canada for a speaking gig Sunday. He is the president's pal who was a hippie terrorist bomber in the Sixties. People today who think Paris Hilton has a crazy dating life should learn about Jane Fonda in her prime.

President Bush commuted the sentences of two Border Patrol agents Monday. They were convicted of shooting a Mexican drug dealer in the rear end while he was trying to run away. Cutting the coke carries the same penalty on both sides of the Rio Grande.

President Bush and Laura left the White House for Texas Tuesday without a need for moving vans. They began shipping their belongings home last year. All they had left Tuesday were the clothes on their backs, pretty much like the rest of the nation.

Nancy Pelosi said Sunday she's open to pursuing charges against President Bush on wiretapping and war crimes. She didn't want to investigate him in office. He had forty thousand ICBMs under his control and she feared for the safety of San Francisco.

Newsweek reports that the breast implant business has collapsed along with SUV sales and jumbo mortgages. It's inter-connected in Los Angeles. It looks like we won't need the jumbo house or the extra large car to get the breasts through the door.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush spent his last weekend as president at Camp David. Today movers will take all the Bush possessions out of the White House. This will take quite awhile when you consider the Bush possessions include Iraq and Kuwait and Afghanistan.

The Inaugural Parade today will feature volunteers following the horses to pick up their manure and make it into fertilizer. It's very rich this year. Between the sulfates, the nitrates, the hope and the change, this stuff will grow crops on a rock.

Barack Obama takes the oath of office at noon today. It's a big deal. MSNBC is portraying it as a New American Revolution, CNN is portraying it as a racial milestone, and Fox News made two million dollars selling Inaugural barf bags on their web site.

Barack Obama spent all weekend citing Abe Lincoln and evoking Jack Kennedy and referencing George Washington. He's so competitive. When the train conductor let him steer the Inaugural train Saturday he tried to land it safely on the Hudson River.

Barack Obama took a train ride from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Saturday. It is the safest mode of transportation by far. If a Canadian goose decides to fly into a moving train the last thing that goes through his mind is the Santa Fe logo.

Canadian geese were vilified in New York Friday after a flock of them flew into an airliner's jet engines, forcing it to crash land. Everyone called for the mass killing of the birds. It's the first peaceful day Bernie Madoff has had in two months.

Captain Sully Sullenberger safely landed a U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River Thursday after geese flew into the engines. New Yorkers raised money to build a statue of him. It will give the geese a chance to avenge the death of their relatives.

President Bush hailed Captain Sullenberger for the safe river landing on Thursday. He was impressed that the pilot was able to land successfully with his nose in the air. He always found that you have to talk like a cowboy and downplay your Connecticut roots.

Barack Obama becomes president today, giving Democrats control of the entire U.S. government. Hopes were sky high. Three million people descended on Washington to celebrate the last days of capitalism, only to find out they were three months too late.

Barack Obama vowed Saturday to take up the work of the Founding Fathers when he takes office. The Founding Fathers agreed to legalize slavery south of the Mason-Dixon line and Barack Obama promises to take up their work. Well, Nixon went to China.

Barack Obama will sit in the presidential box on Pennsylvania Avenue today and review the Inaugural Parade in his honor. The cameras will be on him for hours. This will be longest he's gone without a cigarette since he was in the sixth grade.

Israeli officials explained Saturday that they tried to minimize civilian casualties in Gaza. They even telephoned houses they were about to bomb, telling the residents to get out. Four hundred people were killed because they were on the Do Not Call list.

Barack Obama will be sworn into office today with his hand on a Bible. Using a Bible for the presidential oath of office is a tradition inherited from the use of a bible in the coronation of Britain's monarchs. Bush or Windsor or Obama, it's the one book that will always back you up if you're arguing for the divine right of kings.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Bush's poll numbers improved in his last week in office Friday. He's made us much safer. The year he took office airliners were flying into New York skyscrapers, and thanks to his efforts they are now landing safely on the Hudson River.

Captain Sully Sullenberger landed his stricken U.S. Airways liner on the Hudson Thursday, saving everyone from dying in a deadly crash. It was a miracle. It shows that if enough people pray at the same time, the right Treasury Secretary will show up.

The New York Post said Friday that Sully Sullenberger is a top-flight airline safety instructor. Thank goodness it happened in New York. If he had landed that airliner in the Los Angeles River it would have killed at least a dozen skateboarders.

The U.S. Airways jet that landed safely on the Hudson River Thursday hit a flock of geese on takeoff which nest in the wetlands near the runway. There's no public support for bulldozing the wetlands. Nobody wants to disturb a sacred union burial ground.

Canadian geese flew into the jet turbines of the U.S. Airways flight in New York Thursday, causing the engines to choke. There was no motive for the birds to raid the plane. The airline stopped serving peanuts two years ago, but old habits die hard.

The Weather Channel reported record low temperatures across the Midwest Friday, setting new records in Chicago. The wind chill index was fifty degrees below zero at O'Hare Airport. Now everyone wants to run for president just to get out of Chicago.

CNBC business news reports that Barack Obama sports merchandise and collectibles sales hit two hundred million dollars Friday. Everything with his face on it is selling. General Motors just can't decide whether to put it on the doors or the hood.

Tiger Woods spoke at the Lincoln Memorial Inaugural Show Sunday. It had Stevie Wonder, Beyonce, Denzel Washington, Martin Luther King III and Garth Brooks. The audience enjoyed a song by Stevie Wonder, a dance by Beyonce, a reading by Denzel Washington, and a sermon by Martin Luther King III followed by an apology by Garth Brooks.

Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum unveiled its likeness of Barack Obama Friday. The wax figure can't capture his rich speaking voice. Barack Obama sounds so much like the voice of God that he is not allowed on the courthouse lawn in twenty-eight states.

Will Farrell plays President Bush in a new Broadway show called You're Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush. The ridicule is scathing. Democrats are afraid it's what's in store for Caroline Kennedy if she doesn't stick to charity work.

Cindy McCain broke off talks Thursday to compete on ABC's Dancing with the Stars after her husband John strenuously objected. She completely forgot who she is for a moment. The appropriate role for the spouse of a U.S. Senator is registered lobbyist.

The Treasury Department slapped economic sanctions Friday on Osama bin Laden's son Saad bin Laden, who's believed to be operating in Pakistan. He's not very well known yet. If the defense industry is going to keep this war going for a hundred years, we need to start the publicity campaign for the next generation of evildoers.

White House staffers finish moving out of their offices today while the Living Quarters are being emptied of the First Family's clothing and furniture. Today is the last day of the Bush administration. It's just what Islam needs, another holy day.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-18-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave a farewell speech to the country Thursday. He gave himself a lot of credit for keeping America safe for the last seven years. Thanks to his policies, airliners now crash into New York City with nothing but a few minor injuries.

A U.S. Airways jetliner landed safely in the Hudson River Thursday after it flew into a flock of geese. What a mess. Everyone just assumed the lead goose in the formation was trying to fake his own suicide after dropping everything on Wall Street.

U.S. Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger made a miraculous landing in the Hudson River Thursday, averting tragedy. There was a delay getting everybody off the plane. The airline charges extra for water, and a lot of the passengers didn't have exact change.

New York Harbor crews rescued everybody on the floating U.S. Airways plane after it collided with a flock of Canadian geese on takeoff. It was very tense. Nobody got hurt, but Dick Cheney had to be physically restrained from declaring war on Canada.

Homeland Security was quick to state Thursday the U.S. Airways flight that crash-landed in the Hudson was not attacked by terrorists. Not everyone agreed. It's possible that al-Qaeda is so defeated that Osama bin Laden is having to train birds to attack America, promising each one of them seventy-two chicks when they get to heaven.

Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner won't be sworn in on Inauguration Day because a back tax issue still has to be cleared up. It was an honest mistake. He thought that when you purchase an illegal immigrant maid online, you don't have to pay sales taxes.

New Jersey child protective services seized two kids whose parents named them after Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nations. Everyone says they're good students. They are the first kids to have their hands in the air each day, even if it's during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The U.S. Senate decided on Thursday to give the second half of the bailout money to Barack Obama. He'll have three hundred fifty billion to hand out to anyone he wants. If his wife has a shopping addiction, we are all going to find out about it now.

Barack Obama took a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. in tribute to Abe Lincoln. He wants to relive the Great Emancipator's dramatic trip through Virginia. He's going to follow Abe Lincoln's itinerary and wear one of Evel Knievel's jumpsuits.

Hillary Clinton said farewell to the Senate Thursday as she prepares to become Secretary of State. What a journey. In eight years Hillary Clinton has come from being the wronged woman in a sex scandal to the wronged woman in a presidential race.

Barack Obama was reported Tuesday to have selected a classic black silk tuxedo to wear to the ten Inaugural balls in his honor. Historians are worried. The last president who had ten balls led the nation into two wars and crashed the stock market.

Cadillac rolled out Barack Obama's new presidential limo Monday. The five-inch-armor-plated car can withstand a roadside bomb, a poison gas attack and gunfire. If we'd sent President Bush to invade Iraq personally we'd have been out of there by now.

President Bush in his farewell speech on Thursday warned of future dangers and spoke of a struggle between two dramatically different systems. He said under one system, a small band of fanatics demand total obedience to an oppressive ideology. It was the wrong time for Vice President Cheney and his staff to stand up and take a bow.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Osama bin Laden issued a tape Tuesday saying Americans are glad President Bush is leaving because he led us into two guerrilla wars and into financial chaos. He's been living in a cave so long he's forgotten something. Nobody likes an I-told-you-so.

Cuba was favored to win the World Baseball Classic over the U.S. team Monday. It ignited a health care debate. No one knows yet if socialist health care is better than private care, we're waiting to see who lives longer, Fidel Castro or Dick Cheney.

Sam Bradford opted Wednesday to stay in school his senior year like Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow. The Detroit Lions have the first pick. These kids would rather do homework and play for free than play in an empty stadium before laid-off auto workers.

Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton was given her own private gym at his London residence Monday. She mustn't turn into a flamboyant media hog who upstages the prince. Nobody's going to buy that car-accident-in-the-tunnel story a second time.

Caroline Kennedy's favorability ratings among New York voters slipped Thursday as she lobbied to be appointed to the U.S. Senate. If she's appointed, she will be seated without question. It's not like in Illinois where you have to show the receipt.

The White House held a security briefing for Barack Obama last week to prepare him for possible disaster or emergency. President Bush and Vice President Cheney took Obama through a doomsday scenario. They watched the evening news together.

The New York Health Department took measures Thursday to reduce the pigeons in Central Park. The birds are better liked than stockbrokers. The difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The National Parks Service estimated four million people will be in Washington for the Inauguration. It could get ugly. Between the Inauguration and the economy there could be four million people on the street without food or shelter or bathrooms.

Barack Obama selected Hollywood designer Michael Smith to redecorate the White House living quarters. He does movie star homes. His signature design touches include a reinforced shelf for awards, a wall for pictures, and a mirrored coffee table for the guests.

Barack Obama was reported Wednesday to be thinking about moving the Guantanamo prisoners to Camp Pendleton near San Diego. We know where this is headed. A year from now the vice president will be defending the practice of boogie-boarding during interrogations.

Joe the Plumber reported from Gaza Tuesday that reporters shouldn't be allowed near the war zone. What a character. Joe the Plumber cost John McCain the state of Ohio in November by leaving so many toilets clogged up to go out campaigning for him.

President Bush told Larry King Tuesday he was not interested in becoming Major League Baseball Commissioner. It's for artistic reasons. George W. Bush is really and truly a knowledgeable expert on baseball, and it would clash with his body of work.

Alabama's NAACP objected to hoop-skirted girls representing Alabama Tuesday in the Inaugural parade because it symbolizes the plantation system. Too bad. According to the Fairness Doctrine you can't honor Lincoln without giving the other side equal time.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton sailed through Senate confirmation hearings Tuesday. She didn't blink when asked how she will handle the world's hot spots. You can't be married to Old Faithful for thirty-three years and not know something about geothermal energy.

President Bush will give his farewell speech to the nation tonight in front of another military crowd. It doesn't help him. He's not going to know if his dinner speech is really funny if he keeps trying it out on an audience he can court-martial.

President Bush draped the Medal of Freedom on Britain's former prime minister Tony Blair and Australia's former prime minister John Howard Tuesday. It's no surprise. Every leader that President Bush overthrows winds up with something around his neck.

The U.S. Navy commissioned the aircraft carrier George H.W. Bush on Saturday. It's so huge it can single-handedly bottle up the Persian Gulf and drive up oil prices. They would have named it after a member of the Bush family no matter who was president.

Barack Obama was interviewed by ABC News Sunday where he stated again he wants a college football playoff system, and that he will fight to keep his BlackBerry. So that was how he raised all that money for his presidential campaign. He's a bookie.

Roger Clemens was investigated by a grand jury Monday over steroid use. It builds muscle but it gives men breasts. Last year Roger Clemens took off his shirt in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, causing Pacman Jones to make it rain and shoot the bouncer.

Rickey Henderson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame Monday after setting the career record for most stolen bases. He got rich the hard way. The difference between baseball and Wall Street is if you get caught stealing in baseball, you're out.

National Football League advertisers were miserable on Sunday after four small-market teams made it into the NFL championship games. The ratings will be terrible. The Super Bowl could end up being sponsored this year by the Snuggie and the Sham Wow.

Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner was revealed Tuesday to have underpaid his taxes and hired an illegal immigrant as a maid. Everyone was glad to hear he's one of us. As Treasury Secretary he will be assigned to hand out three hundred and fifty billion dollars in total secret, so paying his bills won't be a problem any more.

Barack Obama will have Lincoln's favorite foods served at the Inaugural luncheon Tuesday and he'll take the oath on Lincoln's Bible. He must be careful. The more he compares himself to Abe Lincoln the more the Secret Service will treat actors like terrorists.

Israeli troops and Israeli tanks rolled into the suburbs of Gaza for the first time Tuesday, leveling houses and destroying entire neighborhoods. Wall Street trembled. It showed no matter how bad the housing market is, it can always get worse.

Dick Cheney said Tuesday that Barack Obama must not close down Guantanamo prison when he takes office. He feels strongly about this. When you're fighting for freedom and democracy it's essential to have a prison that operates outside international law.

Washington D.C. was placed under a state of emergency Monday due to the expected millions of Democrats coming to the nation's capital for the Inaugural Tuesday. The bars will be open all night and there aren't enough porta-potties. They'll have no place to go, because after twelve o'clock there won't be a Bush left in Washington.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Goodwill Industries said Monday it's doing a huge business selling formal wear for the Inaugural balls. There's a reason everyone's going to thrift shops to buy their formal wear. You need a credit score of at least seven hundred to rent a tuxedo.

President Bush gives a farewell address to the country Thursday. He's had nine hundred exit interviews, a final press conference and now a swan song. The only reason Americans watch is to make sure he's not declaring an emergency and refusing to leave.

Gran Torino won the box office Sunday, making Clint Eastwood the oldest star in history to headline a number-one movie. He did a lot better at the box office than Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest movie. California Budget lost a hundred billion dollars.

The Transportation Department reported Monday that no was killed in an airline crash for the second straight year. That's deceptive. If you count the number of people killed in airline stocks, it was the bloodiest two years since the Battle of Britain.

The National Safety Council called for a ban on cell phone use while driving. During driving they want no drinking, no smoking, no talking, and no texting. You didn't think we would be allowed to enjoy German engineering without the bathwater, did you?

Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was permitted by a judge Monday to stay under house arrest in his Park Avenue condo. Prosecutors wanted him in jail. The judge won't send Bernard Madoff to jail, he's afraid it will corrupt the petty thieves.

The Detroit Auto Show Monday featured cars powered by plug-in batteries and hybrids on the showroom floor. The attendance has been huge. Everybody heard if you knock twice and give them the password you can go into the back room and see the latest SUV.

Somali pirates collected three million dollars cash for a Saudi oil supertanker Friday but one escape boat capsized, drowning five pirates and their share of the ransom. It was something to see. No one's drowned under the weight of their money in at least a year.

Barack Obama said he wants the second half of the seven hundred billion dollar bailout. He demanded tough new restrictions on every company that takes the money. Every so often Barack Obama tries to talk like a Republican just to break up the room.

The Latino Inaugural Ball will be held in Washington D.C. on Sunday. A separate Inaugural ball will be held for D.C. residents. Any L.A. school principal will tell you that if the dress code doesn't cut down on violence, it's best to separate everyone by race.

President Bush held the final press conference of his presidency Monday in the press room of the White House. He admitted that he's made a few mistakes in eight years. It's the equivalent of Bill Clinton saying sure he looks, but he never touches.

President Bush defended his decision to wiretap Americans without a warrant at his Monday news conference. It's logical. His thinking is, al-Qaeda wants to steal our freedoms and if he steals them first, the joke's on them when they come looking for them.

The London Guardian reported Monday that Barack Obama has decided to close the prison at Guantanamo in Cuba. It's just a question of what to do with the captured terrorists who are incarcerated there. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich offered to appoint them all to the Senate but there just weren't enough openings for all of them.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama repeated his call for college football playoffs Friday. This year was the last straw. Everyone agrees that it's utterly pointless to play an entire college football season just to have the national crown given to Caroline Kennedy.

President Bush will present Tony Blair with the Medal of Freedom today. At one time these two men believed they could remake the Mideast as a land of freedom and democracy. Then the doctors adjusted their medication and the hallucinations stopped.

Ryan O'Neal agreed to enter a drug treatment program Thursday after he pleaded guilty to methamphetamine possession in his Malibu home. It's against the law to possess or use methamphetamines inside the Malibu city limits. It's zoned for cocaine.

Somali pirates received three million in cash by parachute Friday and released the oil tanker. While they were fighting over the money, the escape boat capsized and five of them drowned. It looked like Thanksgiving dinner at Bernie Madoff's house.

New Yorker Alex Gardega created a hot sauce named Bernie In Hell that displays the swindler Bernie Madoff's face on the bottle surrounded by flames. It's a huge success. If you buy the sauce, the money goes to pay off the last guy to buy the sauce.

The USS George H.W. Bush aircraft carrier was commissioned in Norfolk Saturday. It's the last Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. His son will have a destroyer named after him in honor of all he's done for the economy, the Middle East and the Republican Party.

Twenty-Four starring Keifer Sutherland as U.S. agent Jack Bauer premiered Sunday, featuring a subversive villain who's able to use his skills to turn the economy into complete and utter chaos. He's a mortgage broker in Orange County. It's a documentary.

Charles Barkley took a leave of absence from his TNT broadcasting job ten days after his DUI arrest in Phoenix, when he told the cops he ran a stop sign because was in a hurry to get oral sex. He's three hundred pounds, he's a gambling junkie, a drunk driver and a sex addict. It took him a week just to decide which rehab has seniority.

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas unveiled a robot Friday designed to replace dogs and cats. It's a plush baby seal that cuddles and coos and responds very affectionately to human touch. In some parts of the world it could replace sheep.

Barney Frank urged the government Friday to buy foreclosed homes and turn them into workforce housing. It's divisive. Democrats sympathize with migrant workers, whereas Republicans think the United Farm Workers Union was founded by Chivas Regal.

President Bush told Texas reporters Friday he regrets that immigration reform didn't pass on his watch. Still, he had a huge impact on cross-border relations. American workers are now sending pesos home to Detroit to help support their families.

Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for Secretary of State begin today in the Senate Foreign Relations committee. She's an expert on China. She can throw it like a Frisbee or hurl it overhand, but she gets her best results throwing lamps.

Hollywood director Ron Howard said his movie Frost/Nixon prompts comparisons between President Nixon and President Bush. It's not fair. They both waged hugely unpopular wars, they both had low approval ratings, they both subverted the Constitution, but Nixon is considered the better president because he got his picture taken with Elvis.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Oklahoma Sooners lost the BCS national title game to the Florida Gators on Thursday at the Orange Bowl in Miami Gardens. The loss was avoidable. The Sooners forgot the most important lesson of the Revolutionary War, never wear red in the woods.

Southern California was hit by a medium-sized earthquake on Thursday which was felt from the Arizona border all the way to the Pacific Coast. Californians ran to their television sets to see if there was any damage. Fewer houses mean higher prices.

Michael Jordan launched his new Nike Air Jordan sneaker featuring satin pleats and polishable dress shoe leather. He designed them with a purpose. Barack Obama may have a new armored limo but he'll never be the flashiest basketball player in America.

The White House announced Friday the U.S. jobless rate reached its highest point since President Bush's father left office sixteen years ago. And we still have Jeb to worry about. Americans now understand why the Russians shot the Czar's children.

Twenty-Four premiered on Fox Sunday for another season of Jack Bauer torturing terrorists. Viewers may be disappointed. For eight years he's done everything Dick Cheney's done, and that means from now on all he's going to do is fish and give speeches.

Somali pirates collected a huge ransom from Saudi Arabia Friday for the tanker they seized. It's about time. It may take a month for that money to get to the cocaine dealers and into their Citibank accounts so it can be used to make home loans.

Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the auto industry doesn't mean the American people will allow them to meddle into something that matters.

Illinois lawmakers said Friday they are using the Clinton impeachment trial as their model in their impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich. The cases are not similar in any way. The Illinois governor was trying to use the power of his office to get a job for his wife, while Clinton was trying to get a job from Monica Lewinsky.

Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials told him he won't be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting just to keep from wrecking his marriage.

Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat grow up to be a rich white Republican.

Sarah Palin complained about the harsh media scrutiny the TV networks gave her last fall. It's obvious why. Sarah Palin is bubbly and beautiful and shallow, and the news anchors destroyed her they way they'd destroy anyone who might take their jobs.

Fox News analyst Karl Rove claimed Thursday that he and President Bush have an annual contest over who reads the most books. Yeah, right. This is a president who once refused to join the Book of the Month Club because it doesn't have a golf course.

Dick Cheney told reporters Friday that he's planning to write a book about his eight years in office. He's spent the last five years listening to everybody's phone calls and reading everybody's e-mails and now he's writing a book. If you don't want to be in it, make your check payable to the Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Foundation.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-11-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Spider Man is helped by Barack Obama in a Marvel Comics issue this month. It's nothing new. Forty-six years ago Action Comics had President Kennedy help protect Clark Kent's identity in return for teaching him how to see through women's clothes.

New York Giants playoff tickets were sold off at record low prices Friday. It's really no surprise. After your cable's been cut off, your flat-screen repossessed and the marshals have locked you out of the house, you need a place to watch the game.

Sarah Palin slammed Tina Fey for impersonating her on Saturday Night Live last fall. It's no picnic for the comic either. Every time Tina Fey goes into the supermarket, people ask why her daughter's still living in sin with that hockey player.

The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to end term limits for committee chairmanships. It reversed a reform measure. Fourteen years ago the GOP majority voted to limit every committee chairman to two terms, one in office and one in prison.

Larry Flynt asked for a federal bailout of the sex industry Tuesday. He claims sex toys and pornos are gathering dust on shelves. No one buys them because they are getting all the sex they need from what's going on in their brokerage statements.

Arab television network Al-Oxen accidentally aired a porno movie Tuesday which station engineers were watching over an international feed. It was a shocking sight for modest Muslim viewers. They have never seen Californians campaigning for governor.

Joe the Plumber was hired Tuesday to cover the Israeli-Hamas war as a reporter in Gaza. He will be safe there. The two most revered figures in the Arab world are the Prophet Mohammed and anybody who can restore running water after an air raid.

The U.S. Navy sailed into the Gulf of Aden off the coast of East Africa Thursday to confront the Somali pirates. This will allow Barack Obama to move swiftly. As a good Democrat he has an obligation to nip this Black Republican movement in the bud.

The White House staff made preparations Thursday for Barack Obama and his wife and little girls to move into the residence. How amazing. It'll be the first time Americans have ever watched a black family grow up on television without a laugh track.

Illinois Senate appointee Roland Burris credited his Senate appointment to Divine Providence. He always knew he would do great things. He's already built a mausoleum for himself in Chicago engraved with all the offices he held and how much he paid for them.

George H.W. Bush publicly urged his son Jeb Bush to run for president on Fox News Sunday last weekend. It makes sense. The elder Bush brought down the Soviet Union, the younger Bush destroyed the Middle East, and that still leaves South America.

Senator Larry Craig dropped his appeal of his arrest in a Minneapolis airport men's room last year for soliciting gay sex in the next stall. As a result of the publicity, U.S. Senators don't even go in airport men's rooms any more. They go in the plants.

Barack Obama introduced Tim Kaine as the new Democratic Party Chairman Thursday without inviting outgoing chairman Howard Dean to the event. Under Howard Dean's chairmanship the party took control of the House, took control of the U.S. Senate and took control of the White House. For crying out loud, he is practically a fascist.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Dallas Cowboys said Monday Oklahoma will play Brigham Young in the Cowboys' brand new stadium in September. They found a cheap way to demolish and level their old facility. They are going to hire President Bush to bring democracy to the stadium.

President Bush hosted a lunch for Barack Obama at the White House Wednesday that included former presidents Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton. It was really something to see the five of them together. If they were cards, you would fold.

The Adult Entertainment Expo convention in Las Vegas demanded a federal bailout on Wednesday due to low sales of porno DVDs. It's not like the automakers at all. Anyone in this industry claiming to be the Big Three would be laughed out of the casting office.

Valkyrie starring Tom Cruise was pulled in some cities Tuesday due to its poor box office showing. The movie never had a chance. The producers knew it wasn't going to be a hit on opening weekend when they saw customers in the lobby buying popcorn to go.

NBC hired Matt Millen to call the Super Bowl after the Detroit Lions fired him as general manager. He ruined the franchise with eight years of losses. Trusting Matt Millen to analyze football is like naming Bernie Madoff to be Treasury Secretary.

The White House announced that President Bush's pet cat India died Sunday. It's terrible timing. President Bush always said if anything ever happens to India he will hold Pakistan responsible, and he's still Commander in Chief for one more week.

Laura Bush unveiled the new White House china on Wednesday. She told reporters she bought the dinnerware because of breakage. This explains why President Bush was able to dodge those two shoes in Baghdad so effortlessly, years and years of practice.

Caroline Kennedy was reported Monday to have the inside track for the New York U.S. Senate seat. She no longer sounds inarticulate on television. She's doing a lot better ever since she brought in Julie Andrews to dub her voice during interviews.

Barack Obama hinted Tuesday he may tinker with Social Security to reduce costs. He musn't touch the safety net for his own sake. Any Republican who makes less than five hundred thousand per year automatically qualifies for golf ball stamps.

Barack Obama informed CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta Monday that he's on his list to be named the Surgeon General. Ten years ago he was a medical advisor to first lady Hillary Clinton. Every year before she went on vacation with her husband she wanted to be briefed on how to tell what was a sore and what was just a mosquito bite.

Hillary Clinton's hearings to become Secretary of State begin next week in the Senate. She'll have no problem being objective in the wars between the Palestinians and Israel or India and Pakistan. She treats all donors to her husband's library equally.

Barack Obama's presidential limo was reported Tuesday to be an armored Cadillac hybrid made in Detroit. It's a new first. History will record that Barack Obama is the first black man to ride in an armored Cadillac limousine without his own record label.

Illinois U.S. Senate appointee Roland Burris met with Senator Harry Reid Tuesday as the Congressional Black Caucus demanded he be admitted. The Majority Leader backpedaled slowly from his posiiton that Roland Burris cannot be seated in the U.S. Senate. As long as the Senate has a lunch counter they can't deny service to anybody.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Oklahoma Sooners play Florida for the national title tonight. They're both party schools. Every year the Betty Ford Center touch football championship is won by either the patients who graduated from Oklahoma or patients who graduated from Florida.

San Francisco was the site of protests on behalf of Palestinian terrorists Monday. It's no secret why the protests were in San Francisco. When Muslim fundamentalists seized power in Iran thirty years ago, the gay community beat the Shah's family to California.

President Bush will give Tony Blair the Presidential Medal of Freedom Tuesday. The former prime minister is now our Middle East peace envoy. He begins the last leg of basic training Monday when President Bush enrolls him in shoe ducking training camp.

The Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that most Americans say they will not miss President Bush when he leaves office. Only eighteen percent say they'll miss him. Everyone else thinks they can at least wing him with the first shot.

Dick Cheney told CBS News Sunday that he believes history will be kind to the Bush administration. He added he's not sure how long it will take. It depends on how long David McCullough and Doris Kearns Goodwin can hold out under waterboarding.

CBS Sports NFL analyst Bill Cowher made it clear Sunday he won't return to NFL coaching next year. He says he likes the television lifestyle. Coaching in the NFL is nice, but when you have your own make-up artist you look ten years younger.

Charles Barkley was cited for drunk driving in Scottsdale Friday. He told cops he was in a hurry to meet a hooker. He's always said he wants to run for governor of Alabama someday and everyone figured he is just padding his resume to be a politician.

Illinois U.S. Senate appointee Roland Burris was barred from entering the Senate Tuesday, leaving the Senate all white. It didn't look good. No one's seen this many German shepherds on Capitol Hill since the morning after the World Trade Center attack.

SEC regulators were hauled before Congress on Monday to answer how they missed the Bernie Madoff swindle. They got ten complaints but never found anything wrong. They've got to stop recruiting investigators from the NCAA's department of compliance.

NBC's Saturday Night Live alum Al Franken was declared the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota Monday pending appeal. The comedian can keep the job for six years and he doesn't have to get one laugh. It's the same deal the cast of Friends had.

Barack Obama was cheered by Republicans Tuesday when he said he will cut taxes on businesses and individuals to stimulate the economy. He also selected a church where he'll worship in Washington. He has joined the Church of Supply Side Economics.

Leon Panetta was nominated director of the Central Intelligence Agency Tuesday, arousing Senate opposition. He's not experienced in intelligence. He was appointed President Clinton's chief of staff because he was the only one old enough to get beer.

Toyota of Japan announced Monday it will shut down all its plants in Japan for two weeks. Toyota executives are very worried that their autoworkers will demand government intervention. They could kick themselves for inventing robots that can talk.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy was assailed Monday by opponents who claim she's inarticulate and ill-informed. The doubts have set off a frenzy. Sarah Palin was forced to have a grandbaby out of wedlock the next day in order to keep her title as America's Bimbo.

Charles Barkley was pulled over by police in Scottsdale last week and arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Nobody had any idea alcohol was his problem. He's been seen many times at tailgate parties doing Thousand Island shooters.

President Bush declared Tuesday that Palestinians must halt missile attacks on Israel. He's an inspiration. President Bush's double duck move when he dodged two shoes thrown at him in Baghdad is now the hottest dance in Israel since the Macarena.

Palestinians staged street protests against Israel Thursday. They were all waving the same brand of shoe the Iraqi reporter threw at President Bush. Macy's was so excited to see something is selling they ordered them in every size for the Easter season.

GM promised to spend bailout money to offer credit to car buyers Tuesday. They must make the cars fast and sexy again. The last time Oprah Winfrey waved a set of Pontiac car keys at her crowd, they threw cream pies at her and she fell off her diet.

The United Autoworkers came under fire Monday for its past investments in golf resorts and spas in Michigan and Arizona. The union bosses have earned it. After you have broken the legs of a few strikebreakers, nothing hits the spot like a mud bath.

Washington lobbyist Vicki Iseman sued the New York Times for implying she had an affair with John McCain. The attraction was always there. They met when he was chairing a subcommittee investigating Wall Street and he asked to see her Bear Stearn.

Congress got an automatic forty-seven hundred dollar pay raise Wednesday which they voted for themselves in the last budget. It's no surprise. You knew this was coming last year when all five hundred and thirty-five of them signed with Scott Boras.

California banned text-messaging while driving Thursday. It is already illegal to use the cellphone while driving a car. Under California law you cannot use your hands for any kind of communication while driving unless it's to squeeze the trigger.

Bill and Hillary Clinton began the countdown in Times Square on New Year's Eve by pressing the button. The temperature was zero degrees with icy wind. Every time the Clintons stand next to each other it pushes global warming back another ten years.

Spain offered citizenship Tuesday to anybody whose ancestors left Spain during the last seventy years. Millions are eligible. It almost worked, but as soon as the Rose Bowl Game was televised everyone decided they would rather walk to California.

U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald asked a judge in Chicago for another ninety days to indict Governor Rod Blagojevich Wednesday. Meanwhile, Blagojevich named a black man with perfect credentials to the Senate and Democrats vowed not to seat him. Barack Obama always dreamed of starring in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner but he never thought it'd be in the Spencer Tracy role.

Barack Obama refused to support the Illinois governor's appointment of a black lobbyist to the Senate Tuesday, rejecting that idea that the Senate is an all-white club without him. And people used to worry Reverend Wright had a radical effect on Barack Obama sitting in the congregation. Who knew he was a Confederate spy all along?


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy gave an interview to the New York Times Friday which unmasked her as inarticulate and unknowledgable. She has absolutely no credentials to be a U.S. senator. Bill Clinton just offered to cheat on her if that will help her chances.

Senator Hillary Clinton pushed the countdown button to drop the ball in Times Square on New Years Eve. That's how she ran for president. Last year she dropped the ball so many times the NFL just named her an honorary member of the Detroit Lions.

Barack Obama's Hawaii vacation compound was ringed Monday by Palestinians who are angry about his support for Israel. You can imagine their disappointment. Not only is he the first black president, he's the first guy named Hussein to back Israel.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich named Chicago lobbyist Roland Burris to the U.S. Senate Tuesday. There was outrage. Jesse Jackson Jr. called on eBay to change its rules so people can't be outbid while they are speaking on the floor of the House.

The Oklahoma Sooners play the Florida Gators for the national title in Miami's Orange Bowl. If you coach college football in the South or Southwest and you get a lifetime contract, it means that if you lose they can't fire you. They just kill you.

The N.Y. Post reported Tuesday that Caroline Kennedy's net worth is four hundred million dollars. It's from her grandfather Joe Kennedy's trust fund. Lucky for her he was anti-Semitic and specified in his will that it can never be invested with Bernie Madoff.

Bristol Palin sold the first baby pictures of her child to People magazine for three hundred thousand dollars on Tuesday. Governor Sarah Palin was ecstatic. She told reporters that she was thrilled her daughter has enough for make-up and wardrobe.

Former U.S. Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney was rammed by the Israeli Navy Tuesday as she rode inside a supply boat to Gaza for the Free Gaza group. The Palestinians inherited her help. Al-Qaeda laid her off because they said they weren't that angry at the Americans.

Madonna was named the top ticket-selling concert act in the world on Wednesday as she and director Guy Ritchie finalized their divorce. He bought her a gorgeous diamond necklace on her birthday and she hasn't talked to him since. That was the deal.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Tuesday that since the financial collapse last fall there has been a huge rise in the number of bank robberies. There's nothing anyone can do. Under their contracts they're entitled to their bonuses.

Houston's Memorial Hospital removed Roger Clemens' name from the Roger Clemens Sports Medicine Institute Monday. They can't ignore the steroids charge. To make it up to him, the hospital just re-named its Underage Country Singers Institute after him.

New York Jets owner Woody Johnson said Thursday he wants Brett Favre back next year. The quarterback wept at his press conference Sunday, saying he doesn't know if he will be back. The actors aren't even on strike yet and already we are in reruns.

Bernie Madoff's security was doubled around his Park Avenue apartment Thursday where he's under house arrest. They're looking everywhere to find where he hid all the money. It's the first colonoscopy ever performed by a certified public accountant.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Israel and Gaza broke out in war Monday prompting violent Arab street protests against Israel. What's lacking is leadership. Right now Yasser Arafat is in hell reconciling himself to the fact that he'll have to share the place with Bernie Madoff.

Times Square had a million people watch the giant ball come down on New Year's Eve in the last ten seconds of the year. It was well rehearsed. Everyone in New York's been counting down all year and that's just reading their brokerage statements.

Chrysler began running television commercials Tuesday which thanked American taxpayers for the billions in bailout money. Don't worry. Chrysler didn't spend any of your tax money on the TV ad campaign, they just ran the old one starring Lee Iacocca.

Barack Obama hid on a golf course Tuesday and avoided questions about support for Israel in the Gaza war. He's being advised by Hillary. She's a loyal friend of Israel, despite her agreement in principle with the Arab custom of stoning adulterers.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich appointed a black lobbyist Tuesday to the U.S. Senate. If Democrats vote to exclude him from the Senate he will accuse them of being all-white. The Senate could lose its liquor license for being a segregated club.

Major League Baseball Network debuted Thursday by airing NBC's broadcast of Don Larsen's World Series perfect game fifty-two years ago. They included the original TV commercials, which was a great idea. Encouraging smoking could save Social Security.

Barack Obama opposed Governor Blagojevich's choice of senator Tuesday despite pleas from the Black Caucus. He's appointed a Tory cabinet, he's kept a GOP Defense Secretary, and now he's refusing demands to integrate the Senate. His daughters just asked him if they're going to need a National Guard escort to go to grade school.

The British Embassy in Tehran was seized Monday by angry Iranian students who raised the Palestinian flag on the roof. This is just how the Carter presidency ended. We simply have to make up our minds, is it the Thirties or is it the Seventies?

Marley and Me starring Owen Wilson is a hit dog movie which leaves kids crying at the end. It's a bad year for kids. Parents are dragging them to a movie where the dog dies just to take their minds off the fact that they have lost their college fund.

Sarah Palin's teenaged daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a healthy baby boy out of wedlock in Alaska Monday. They decided to named him Tripp. You'd think if they wanted to name the baby after an accident, they would have named him Train Wreck.

President Bush revealed Monday he has begun thinking about what he is going to say in his farewell speech. Absolutely nothing's gone right in the country in the last eight years. It leaves no doubt that the Dallas Cowboys really are America's Team.

Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the shower clutching his ribs after Sunday's embarrassing loss. It's an act. He thinks they won't trade him to the Detroit Lions for their number-one draft pick if doctors say he's too sick to fly.

Tom Cruise received rave reviews in Germany Thursday for his portrayal of Nazi war hero Claus von Stauffenberg, who tried to kill Hitler. The German critics were all prepared to hate his performance until he showed up onscreen. He had them at Heil.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-4-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Marley and Me topped the box office with its story about a couple and their terribly behaved dog. What a moneymaking formula. Jerry Jones is now selling tickets to his new football stadium by chasing the Dallas Cowboys around town with a rolled-up newspaper.

The Dallas Cowboys collapsed in an embarrassing loss to Philadelphia on Sunday, prompting loud calls for Wade Phillips to be fired as head coach. It doesn't look good. Even Caroline Kennedy doesn't think Wade Phillips is qualified for the job.

Caroline Kennedy ran into opposition to her Senate bid from New York Democrats Sunday. They say she's uninspiring, inarticulate and unfamiliar with issues. The only thing that's saving her political career is that Tina Fey looks nothing like her.

Barack Obama was chastised by evangelicals when he skipped church on Christmas Day. He was unable to reply. He was at a Honolulu cathedral posing for a ceiling all day and having to listen to the artist shouting at him to keep his finger pointed.

The Weather Channel said high winds knocked out power in Detroit Tuesday. They lost electricity, they're losing the auto industry and they lost every NFL game this season. The entire city ought to be placed under house arrest with Bernie Madoff.

Iran's Ayatollah Khameni promised a martyr's entrance to heaven for any Muslim killed fighting Israel in Gaza. He said martyrs are greeted by seventy-two virgins in heaven. That's what you have to do to recruit an army when the GI Bill isn't enough.

Chicago traffic gridlocked Friday as streets and expressways became caked with three layers of ice and snow. It brought state government to a standstill. The guy delivering subpoenas to the governor's office couldn't get his car out of the garage.

Kraft Foods released its quarterly report Tuesday showing a record billion and a half dollar profit in the fourth quarter alone this past year. It happened just like clockwork. By the last year of any Bush administration, everyone's eating macaroni.

University of Chicago's official world timekeepers added a second to the last day of the year Wednesday to match the earth's slowing spin on its axis. President Bush took credit for it. He wanted to give everyone a little more time in their homes.

Laura Bush denied on Fox News Sunday that her husband's the worst president in American history. It's a sensitive subject. Last month when President Bush opened the National History Museum, he refused to leave the building until it vindicated him.

The White House congratulated Mexico Monday for busting a major drug smuggling ring and freeing up cross-border business. The country is a vital trading partner. In addition to oil, silver and tequila, Mexico is the number-one producer of Americans.

Oprah Winfrey was embarrassed Monday after an author's memoir about a romance between a Jewish man in a concentration camp and a German woman outside the fence turned out to be a hoax. She's pretty gullible. Oprah Winfrey has gained a hundred pounds since the Oprah Book Club selected the McDonald's Diet as its book of the month.

Barack Obama told CBS's 60 Minutes that he fully expects to be criticized by the media when things go wrong during his presidency. No administration was ever perfect. It didn't take long for comedians to figure out that President Bush had no control over his generals and that President Clinton had no control over his privates.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how's everybody?

Enjoy part three of our annual look back at things that made us laugh in 2008.

SEPTEMBER - Beverly Hills residents suffered more coyote attacks on their pets Monday. The coyotes deploy females in heat to lure dogs outside, then devour them. In their own defense the coyotes say the dogs never should have signed up for such stupid mortgages.

The Republican convention nominated John McCain the party's presidential candidate on Thursday to the joy of his fellow Vietnam vets. How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? The reason you don't know is because you weren't there, man.

John McCain tapped Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate at the GOP convention Tuesday. She's got a four-month-old baby, a grandchild on the way and a seventy-two-year old running mate. How many diapers does one woman have to change every day?

OCTOBER - Barack Obama and John McCain entered the final four weeks of the campaign this week even in the polls. Not everyone's focused on the issues. In Los Angeles the race is regarded as a contest between the guy who's half-black and the guy who's half-dead.

The San Fernando Valley was hit by brushfires, forcing evacuations in Chatsworth Monday. It halted production at the suburb's porno studios. If you want to watch Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go down together you'll have to buy the Wall Street Journal.

Chesapeake Energy chairman Aubrey McClendon lost over a billion dollars in oil company stock on a margin call Monday. He's okay. In a moment of self-doubt the oilman leaped off the highest point in Oklahoma City but the sand trap broke his fall.

NOVEMBER - Senator Barack Obama made history Tuesday becoming the first African-American ever elected president of the United States. He owes it all to George W. Bush. If nothing else, President Bush has destroyed the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State Monday. If he'd named her vice president it would have assured him he'd never be assassinated. If Hillary Clinton were vice president, Obama could drive through Dallas with the top down and Republicans would leap in front of a bullet to keep her from becoming president.

The Mormon Temple in Los Angeles was picketed by gays Tuesday who are angry at Mormons and evangelicals for funding the campaign to ban same-sex marriage. Gays don't get it. Evangelicals and Mormons believe that marriage is a union between two Republicans.

DECEMBER - The New York Mercantile Exchange reported falling oil prices again Monday as gasoline fell below two dollars a gallon. Americans are overjoyed. It's a sure sign of economic recovery when we can finally afford to drive the cars we're living in.

The Weather Channel reported record cold temperatures swept into the Midwest Friday along with ice storms and blizzards. Highways are impassable. It was so cold in Chicago yesterday that the governor was trying to sell heated U.S. Senate seats.

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that shopping malls in New Jersey were laying off Santa Clauses in anticipation of slow Christmas shopping. Santa is so out of date. This past year the naughtier you were, the bigger your federal bailout.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 1-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

Enjoy part two of our three-part look back at things that made us laugh in 2008.

MAY - The New York Times reported Sunday that John McCain's aides once suspected him of having an affair with a beautiful woman lobbyist. The senator laughed it off. He has reached the age where all the numbers in his little black book are for urologists.

Modern Bride advertised a men's watch that buzzes every year a week before the wedding anniversary. There's also a new card on the market for guys who forget their anniversary. It's small, it's personalized and it maxes out at five thousand dollars.

U.S. Marines refused a request to burn poppy crops in Afghanistan Friday, stating they are in the country to fight the Taliban, not opium. It's insubordination. They swore an oath when they signed up to follow the dope no matter where he deploys them.

JUNE - President Bush suggested in Egypt Sunday that Americans should drive more fuel-efficient cars. Not everyone is sold on the idea. The other night a pedestrian in West Hollywood was hit by a Prius and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.

Barack Obama could clinch the nomination over Hillary Clinton if he sweeps the primaries Tuesday. What an amazing feat. It would be the first time a black man ever beat a white woman and didn't need an L.A. jury to keep from going to prison for it.

Senator John McCain launched his general election campaign with a speech in New Orleans Tuesday before hundreds of Republican supporters. The senator still needs to work on his delivery. Wilfred Brimley gets more applause selling diabetes supplies.

JULY - Saudi Arabia had a summit Friday to discuss how to reduce high oil prices. Gas is so expensive in L.A. that stations have TV monitors at all pumps. They should run porno movies on them so that you can watch someone else getting screwed while you are.

President Bush tours Iowa today where half the homes are flooded. The water is contaminated with fertilizer and soil additives and pesticides. Next year when corn grows out of linoleum it will be the signature achievement of the Bush administration.

San Francisco will name their sewage treatment plant after President Bush this fall if a ballot measure passes. Don't miss the tour. Inside the plant will be an exhibit demonstrating the difference between weapons of mass destruction and Shinola.

AUGUST - President Bush urged Congress Monday to pass offshore drilling with the nation solidly behind the idea. We aren't about to change our lifestyles. The day before, Detroit introduced a six hundred horsepower Corvette which runs on ground-up Priuses.

President Bush attended an evangelical church in Beijing Sunday. The church is apocalyptic in its vision. The grass on the lawn is two feet high because the church is so convinced the end is near they haven't paid the landscaper in six months.

Michael Phelps will fly to England Tuesday to promote the next Summer Olympics in London. He has challengers. Next week Michael Phelps and Barack Obama will race across the Sea of Galilee, with Michael Phelps in the water and Barack Obama on foot.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio