Argus Hamilton's column for 12-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Golf Digest's cover article, printed too soon to retract, is called Top Ten Tips Obama Can Take from Tiger Woods. The cover shows Tiger posing as the president's caddy. Next month's cover shows Bill Clinton caddying and giving tips to Tiger Woods.

The National Enquirer got pictures of Tiger Woods picking up a Florida pancake house waitress and going back to her trailer home. No wonder he got caught. If you engage in this kind of behavior long enough eventually you're going to meet Paula Jones.

Tiger Woods offered his wife fifty million dollars Friday as his facial wounds healed. It was ever thus. Someday writers of love songs are going to be held liable for the damages caused by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.

Mel Brooks was honored at the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. Sunday. He wrote hilarious musicals with singing and dancing Hitlers and Frankensteins. Mel Brooks could be the only American who knows where bin Laden is because they're in rehearsals.

Sarah Palin's Going Rogue stayed atop the bestseller list Friday. She quotes John Wooden about defending our land to the death when actually the quote's from Indian chief John Wooden Legs. She stopped short of hailing George Washington Carver for crossing the Delaware.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid compared the opponents of health care reform to supporters of slavery. The issue could prevent his re-election in Nevada next year. The Home of the Running Rebels won't take kindly to anybody criticizing slavery.

Germany agreed to compensate Afghan villagers over a stray German bombing raid in October. It's a real game changer. When President Hamid Karzai's brother heard the Luftwaffe is overhead, he got out of the heroin trade and into the gravel business.

President Obama flies to Norway for his peace prize Thursday and then he'll fly back home. Days later he'll fly back up to Denmark. The EPA just calculated the effects of the president's travel and his smoking and declared him a threat to public health.

President Obama receives the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo Thursday. They voted ten days after he took office. It's the first time an American president has gotten the Nobel Peace Prize for the seating arrangement at the Inaugural banquet.

President Obama agreed to meet Al Gore at the White House before he goes to the Copenhagen climate conference. It's a crusade for Al. Global warming very nearly dried up his water supply when he was a potted plant during the Clinton administration.

President Obama vowed Tuesday to use unspent TARP money for a nationwide jobs programs. This will require a lot of creativity. For this to be legal, ten percent of Americans will have to drop their status as citizens and recharter themselves as banks.

Iraq's government staged a morality crackdown, shutting down ninety nightclubs, revoking liquor licenses and banning dancing. The Shiites are a stern lot. Baghdad now has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.

Roman Polanski was transferred from a Swiss jail to his Swiss chalet in Gstaad Saturday. He's under house arrest. He must wear an ankle monitor, stay inside, and remove the sign over the front gate reading Gstaad Middle School.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio