Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre's game was moved to NBC's prime time Sunday due to the huge TV ratings he's been getting lately. Americans love seeing the emotional, gunslinging Southerner fire away, not caring what happens. This Bush nostalgia craze is the hottest thing since the Beatles.

Tiger Woods apologized for his transgressions Tuesday as proof of his adultery surfaced. He cheated on his wife with a mistress then he cheated on his mistress with a waitress. Premier Silvio Berlusconi just awarded him Italy's Medal of Freedom.

Tiger Woods came clean about his adultery Tuesday when sordid and sleazy voicemails he left for his mistress were aired. It had to be a humbling moment for the greatest golfer ever. For all his titles and all his victories, sex remains undefeated.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest admitted he drank Hennessy cognac in the locker room at halftime when he was a Chicago Bull. No one noticed when he was a Houston Rocket. When oil was one hundred forty dollars a barrel everybody in Houston was swigging from bottles.

Christie's will auction a letter George Washington wrote urging passage of the U.S. Constitution. It set strict limits on the federal government's powers. Democrats say the release of this letter was timed to poison the debate on national health care.

Marilyn Monroe was revealed in a fifty-year-old home movie Wednesday in which she smokes pot and giggles. What a find. If Marilyn Monroe is used in commercials for medical marijuana she may pass Elvis on the list of dead celebrity income earners.

The NFL was reported Tuesday considering expanding the NFL season from sixteen to eighteen games per year. People are concerned about the idea. It set off a lot of alarm bells, but that was just all the quarterbacks with concussions hearing things.

President Obama sent more U.S. troops to Afghanistan Tuesday. We're only staying for as long as it takes to bring peace to the region. President Obama only said eighteen months because non-divine minds can't conceive the length of these time periods.

President Obama said he's sending the thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan to protect national security. It's a bad time of year to send them. Those troops are needed here at home to check the White House guest list for Christmas party crashers.

West Point cadets nodded off during President Obama's speech Tuesday. They had been seated four hours ahead of the speech and they'd been up since dawn. It was such torture that three cadets broke down and confessed to adultery during the speech.

Goldman Sachs bankers showed up at New York City Hall Wednesday to apply for gun permits to protect themselves during year-end bonus time. Imagine their paranoia. The richer they get, the more those guys who park their cars look like Somali pirates.

New Yorkers are planning a huge rally Saturday to protest putting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in Manhattan. It's a lure to get al-Qaeda to surrender. We know the terrorists love flying to New York even if they've never safely landed there.

Iran released five British yachtsmen who had sailed into Iranian waters during a yacht race. The gulf could explode any day now. The reason the world hates the Anglo-Saxons is because we look at a war zone and see a perfect venue for a yacht race.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio