Argus Hamilton's column for 12-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless America.

Nazareth yielded artifacts dug up Monday from the year Mary was told she would bear the Savior. She had no health insurance and no hospital and no doctor and she still gave birth to Jesus. It's the kind of self-sufficiency that Republicans worship.

Diane Sawyer debuted on ABC's World News Tonight Monday. Not everyone knows her history in the civil rights movement. Thirty years ago Diane Sawyer and Judy Woodruff were the first blondes to break the color barrier on the network evening news.

Tiger Woods's mistresses were analyzed by region Monday and it was found that most of the women who admitted having affairs with him live in Las Vegas. After a month of revelations, one thing is clear. The only thing that stays in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.

Robert Downey Jr. angered his movie studio by telling Dave Letterman Monday that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay. It's not that farfetched. It would explain the legend of Sherlock Holmes, that you could only kill him with a really great lyric.

Roman Polanski escapes jail under a California court deal devised Monday. It's part of the Seventies revival. If we're gonna have unemployment, high gas prices and recession, we might as well have Quaaludes and sex with underage girls in Beverly Hills.

Russia's Communist Party asked for a moratorium on criticizing the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on the one hundred thirtieth anniversary of his birth Monday. You can't make it up. The U.S. Senate voted for health care reform on Stalin's birthday.

Senate Democrats rammed the trillion dollar health care bill down the national chimney. It tells consumers what to do, it tells insurance companies what to do, it tells drug companies what to do, it tells doctors what to do and it tells patients what to do. The first thing it tells everybody to do is send ten dollars to Nebraska.

The U.S. Senate dropped the tax on elective plastic surgery from the health care bill Monday. The plastic surgeons swooped in with huge donations. The next morning Ben Nelson and Mary Landrieu faced reporters looking like Bruce Jenner and Joan Rivers.

Majority Leader Harry Reid was besieged by Senate Democrats Tuesday demanding goodies and tax breaks like Nebraska and Louisiana got in the health care bill. The scene was chaotic. They're like the hookers who work in a brothel for five years and then have a nervous breakdown when they find out the other girls are getting paid.

Senate Democrats were deluged by protests from taxpayers after they advanced the health care bill Monday. A nation founded in the name of liberty is being demolished in the name of equality. If you make less than two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year, Las Vegas blackjack dealers are now required by law to deal you two face cards.

The White House said Tuesday air passengers must be returned to the gate after sitting on the runway three hours. What a pain. The reason passengers are sitting on the runway is because if they can catch a bird bare-handed they can get some food.

The White House said Tuesday it wants to regulate the pharmaceutical residue in drinking water, which contains tiny amounts of drugs. The solution is simple. Perhaps if they'd stop raiding people's houses, people would stop flushing their drugs.

The Pentagon admitted Tuesday that hackers broke into the TV camera feeds from Predator drone flights over Afghanistan and western Pakistan. The Predator drone attacks are launched by remote control. The day after Christmas we're going to find out that three out of five kids playing video games were actually killing the Taliban.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio