Argus Hamilton's column for 12-20-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

As the World Turns was canceled by CBS after fifty years. What else can they do? When Tony Romo leaves Jessica Simpson a day after she meets Tiger Woods on a golf course, no soap opera can beat the news for adult language and sexual situations.

John McCain urged a pardon for heavyweight champion Jack Johnson who was jailed for keeping a white mistress a century ago. The laws were rigid. Back then people didn't considered adultery a private matter between golfers and their sponsors.

London bookmakers began laying odds on how much money Tiger Woods will have to shell out in a divorce settlement with Elin Nordegren. The overs-and-unders is two hundred million dollars. They already agreed to split the house, he gets the outside.

Erin Andrews asked a judge Friday to jail her stalker for secretly videotaping her nude through her hotel room peephole. What a creep. He once bit his girlfriend in the neck and it took him ten minutes to Scotch tape the wound and blow her back up.

Pepsi-Cola reported Thursday they will not air commercials in the Super Bowl for the first time. They say they want to pursue a marketing strategy on the Internet. Now we know for sure that porno has eclipsed football as the country's favorite sport.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted Time's Person of the Year last week. He's smart. Ben Bernanke was the first to figure out that while a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner can crash forever in his parents' basement.

Jack Kennedy's mansion in Palm Beach was reportedly purchased from the Kennedy family on Thursday. Family patriarch Joe Kennedy used to sit by the pool in the Florida sun and manipulate the stock market over the phone. How we miss his leadership.

Archaeologists in Egypt recovered a piece of Cleopatra's palace complex Friday from Alexandria harbor. The ancient queen really understood politics. To maintain her power she slept with Mark Antony, Julius Caesar, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton.

President Obama was in Copenhagen Friday for the U.N. Climate Summit. The Third World nations think it's their big chance to get our money. They can't all wait for the U.S. and Britain to topple their governments and send in CIA guys with the cash.

Hillary Clinton pledged a hundred billion dollars to developing nations at Copenhagen if China and India agree to binding commitments to lower their carbon emissions. She put on a good show. The idea is to look good to the Third World and agree to something that's no more enforceable than the morals clause of a Nike endorsement deal.

Democratic U.S. Senator Dick Durbin ripped Senate Republicans, saying the minority is holding up cap-and-trade legislation, they're blocking the health care reform bill and they'll block Copenhagen agreements. That's how the Founding Fathers designed it. The Constitution makes Democrats so sick they plan to name the next flu after it.

Haley Barbour said health care reform is a mass suicide pact for the Democrats like Jonestown. Democrats are drinking Kool-Aid while Republicans are having Tea Parties. The line for the restrooms in Washington is an hour and a half and counting.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer apologized for arguing with a flight attendant Sunday and swearing at her. He shouldn't act that way. If he's thrown in jail for interfering with a flight crew the Democrats won't have enough votes to cut off debate.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio