Argus Hamilton's column for 11-8-09

A note from Argus:
Due to my busy travel schedule, my column is changing from six days a week to five days a week. I'll no longer be writing a Monday column. The new schedule is Tuesday through Friday and Sunday. Thanks for reading the column!

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

George W. Bush's debate with Bill Clinton at Radio City Music Hall in February had to be canceled Friday. What a shame. When George W. Bush saw Rockettes printed on the dressing room door he would have thought he finally found the weapons of mass destruction.

David Letterman's ratings showed a huge gain in October following news of his office affairs. The next day ESPN executives issued a memo allowing office romances. The new best-selling drink at bars in Los Angeles is called Sex on the Desk.

Rhode Island lawmakers banned indoor prostitution Monday. Forty years ago they banned public prostitution and left a loophole for hooking in hotel rooms. It shows that no matter how small your state is you can still take business away from New York.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg barely won re-election Tuesday in a really close race. He spent almost two hundred million of his own money. It's the most money a New Yorker's paid for a squeaker since Eliot Spitzer stopped paying hookers to squeal like a pig.

President Obama had meetings Monday about what to do in Afghanistan. The White House said something must be done to stop the corruption. They're sending in two conservative journalists dressed as a pimp and a hooker to take down Hamid Karzai.

President Obama won't travel to Berlin for the anniversary of the Berlin Wall coming down. It's a scheduling conflict. He can't be in Berlin to mark the fall of the Soviet empire, he's got to be in China to initiate the fall of the American empire.

President Obama's governor candidates lost in Virginia and New Jersey Tuesday after he'd stumped for them. It strengthens his grip on Capitol Hill. Anybody who doesn't vote with him can expect him to come to their state and campaign for them.

President Obama revealed his daughter Malia got a seventy-three on her science test, then improved to a ninety-five. It's not easy being a politician's kid. Next week when he pushes for banking industry reform he's going to give out her PIN number.

Ohio voters legalized casino gambling on Tuesday after years of trying. Everybody is excited about it. Now that the unions and environmentalists have driven all the manufacturing overseas, there's nothing else to do but roll dice over what's left.

South Carolina sent a man to prison Tuesday when he was caught on video having sex with a horse. The owner said the mare had been acting strange lately. Horses don't usually mope around the barn and pick up the phone to see if there's a dial tone.

The New York Times turned down Archbishop Timothy Dolan's request to write an editorial on the Catholic Church's good works because he feels the paper only writes about priest sex scandals. He forgets something. The Bible is full of good works but Samson and Delilah, David and Bathsheba, and Sodom and Gomorrah is what drives sales.

Iranians marked their revolution's eruption thirty years ago Wednesday. On that day angry students rioted in Teheran, overthrew the Shah and took fifty-two Americans hostage. It's difficult to describe today the depths to which some people hated disco.

The White House ordered the shutting down of the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste site deep inside the mountains in southern Nevada. The cancellation is a huge favor to the Senate Majority Leader. Nuclear power doesn't contribute to global warming but the president decided it's more important to save Harry Reid than the Earth.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio