Argus Hamilton's column for 11-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

WalMart announced Thursday it will begin selling discount priced caskets on its Internet website. The funeral homes don't mind. They figure once the government takes over health care there should be plenty of business to go around for everybody.

The World Series moved from New York City to Philadelphia Saturday. The Yankees went to Philly by train. They had to be at the ballpark on time and they couldn't risk the pilots landing them in Pittsburgh because the new Guitar Hero's so addictive.

Random House dropped NBA referee Tim Donaghy's book telling how refs fix games regularly. The league stepped in. Random House agreed to drop the book after the NBA commissioner told the CEO who is going to win the NBA finals for the next three years.

Curb Your Enthusiasm's Larry David angered Catholics with a scene Friday where he accidentally splashes a portrait of Jesus while urinating. They weren't trying to offend Catholics. They were merely fulfilling a product placement deal with Flomax.

The Olympic torch began its trip across Canada Saturday where it will wind up in Vancouver for the Winter Games. The world's top-grade pot is grown there. NBC Sports is hiring Michael Phelps to do Up Close and Personal stories about the harvest.

Breckenridge, Colorado, residents will vote today whether to legalize marijuana for adult consumption. This could revive small businesses on Main Street. It only legalizes possession of one ounce of marijuana at a time, which means that Costco can't sell it.

Andre Agassi gave an interview to People this week to promote his new book. He said he once wore a hairpiece while winning the French Open and it nearly fell off during the match. This happens at Grand Slam events all the time, but only at Denny's.

Federal regulators shut down nine banks Saturday in the worst day of closures since the economic crisis began two years ago. There is no reason at all for the public to be alarmed. The depositors won't lose a penny unless they're also taxpayers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi produced a health care reform bill on Thursday. She called opposition to the bill heartless. Democrats possess a finely honed sense of tragedy and outrage which sustains them through life's brief moments of happiness.

President Obama used his Saturday radio address to brag about the economy and the success of the stimulus bill. It's erratic. The number of layoffs in the auto industry are offset by all the people who are being paid to vote in New Jersey today.

President Obama released his visitors list with Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and Michael Moore's names on it. The White House said they're just people with the same names as the bomb throwers. All Bill Clinton had to say was that Monica Lewinsky was a visiting glass blower and he would have retired from office with his dignity intact.

Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani government Friday it's hard to believe they don't know where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Nobody's going to turn him in for the twenty-five million dollar reward. We're simply going to have to offer them Euros.

The White House hailed a rise in Gross Domestic Product Friday as evidence the economy's improving. No one was fooled. Things are so bad that parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names, Exxon Mobil had to lay off twenty-five congressmen, and Dick Cheney just took his stockbroker hunting.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio