Argus Hamilton's column for 11-29-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking in a red zone in Beverly Hills Tuesday. His wife Maria was just caught parking illegally and driving while talking on her cellphone. People with things to do stick out like a sore thumb in this economy.

White House former press secretary Ari Fleischer was hired by the BCS Monday as spokesman to defend the Bowl Championship Series. It's a good hire. Only the guy who convinced us that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction could make the case for TCU.

Adidas ended its deal with a factory in New York and relocated a hundred jobs to Thailand. Right on time. Barack Obama promised to create jobs while he was on his trip to Asia, and sure enough the first hundred have just been created in Bangkok.

The U.S. Border Patrol reported success Tuesday stopping U.S. drug cash from going south to Mexico by using canine currency teams. The dogs have an uncanny ability to sniff out money. The government got them when Bernie Madoff had to sell everything.

Somalia's terror group al-Shabab was accused Tuesday of recruiting Somali Americans to fight for al-Qaeda in Africa. The country is past reforming. Somalis say they have plenty of room for Christian missionaries, right next to the mashed potatoes.

Captain Sully Sullenberger told NBC he's had rock star sex with his wife since his Hudson River heroics. Rock star sex? Why would anybody admit they're impotent due to cocaine use and using one of the younger guys in the band to stand-in for him?

Hollywood madam Michelle Braun said she hooked up Playboy pin-ups with wealthy clients out of the Playboy Mansion. It adjoins Los Angeles Country Club. Club rules say the mansion property's out of bounds but the mansion says nothing's out of bounds.

Climate scientists in England were exposed in e-mails admitting that they faked the global warming numbers. They also ridiculed the use of tree rings as proof the earth was warming. All they prove is that Al Gore is sixty.

Lou Dobbs hinted to reporters Tuesday he might run for president. He'd have to run as an Independent. He's pro-choice, so he can't get the GOP nomination, and he's a white male, so the Democrats won't nominate him for anything but a war crimes trial.

Charles Darwin was celebrated Monday upon the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of his theory of evolution. It's disputed. The Gallup Poll says thirty percent of Republicans believe in evolution while ten percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

President Obama said Monday he will honor top science and math students at the White House. He wants to salute our smartest kids to spur national appreciation for academic excellence. These gratuitous attacks on Sarah Palin have simply got to stop.

Major Nidal Hasan said Monday he may cite mental illness as his defense at his trial. The taxpayers paid him ninety grand a year to do mental health counseling and now he admits he's mentally ill. It actually makes GM look like a good investment.

President Obama held his first state dinner Tuesday for India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and they toasted Martin Luther King and Gandhi. The White House hired a new florist whose centerpiece included English steel roses. If anybody at the banquet got the joke, America's unemployment rate went up the next day by one florist.




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio