Argus Hamilton's column for 11-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God bless America.

Thanksgiving marks the day the English Puritans gave thanks for their survival in the wilderness as they colonized America. There's plenty we can be thankful for even today. If you can't pay your bills, be thankful you aren't one of your creditors.

Notre Dame put out feelers to Urban Meyer of Florida and Oklahoma's Bob Stoops who are both Irish Catholics. It's challenging at Notre Dame. If they give the quarterback a choice between running and throwing they could be denied Holy Communion.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy was banned from receiving Holy Communion by the Roman Catholic bishop of Rhode Island over his pro-choice votes. He doesn't miss it. The bars haven't been closed on Sundays in Massachusetts in thirty-six years.

President Obama pardoned a turkey at the White House Wednesday. The turkey was then shipped out to Disneyland where it'll live out its days at Frontierland. Only Americans would place wild game in the same park as Daniel Boone and call it a pardon.

Tina Fey noted Tuesday that a porno actress named Lisa Ann has played both her and Sarah Palin in separate adult movies. Most presidents have a body double for security. Sarah Palin may be the first president ever to have one for the nude scenes.

Senator Harry Reid scrambled Monday to buy votes in the Senate for the health care bill. He's offering bridges, dams and highway funds. When he offered Heidi Fleiss the job of Majority Whip she thought it was going to be something else entirely.

President Obama will honor India at his first state dinner Tuesday in a heated tent outside. Protocol will be observed as always. It's good they're holding the dinner out on the South Lawn because he plans to begin the evening by bowing to a cow.

New Yorkers protested Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's upcoming trial in a Manhattan court Monday. It's liable to be a platform for dangerous radicals with a history of violence. Dick Cheney will be on the courthouse steps every day demanding to testify.

The White House said Friday a swine flu strain has turned up that is resistant to Tamiflu. No one likes the medicine. Young adults in Los Angeles wouldn't take Tamiflu if you mixed it with vodka and grenadine and called it Sex in the Oxygen Tent.

President Obama's approval ratings sank below fifty percent in the Gallup Poll Friday. The poll only reflects his job performance as president. The public likes him personally but they disapprove of the way he is managing China's western holdings.

Denver car dealer Phil West made news Monday by putting up a billboard that demands to see Barack Obama's birth certificate and accuses him of being a Muslim. He felt he had no choice but to buy a highway billboard. Baby Boomers are tired of having our views ignored just because we don't know how to go online and post in a chat room.

Iraq's government offered young Sunnis and young Shiites two thousand dollars to marry each other. The idea is to reduce hostilities by having people from rival sects get married. If they can just stop fighting about religious differences and start fighting about sex and money they will be on their way to being a free society.

President Obama met with his Afghanistan war advisers Monday to formulate a strategy that will work in the foothills of the Himalayas. The steep terrain is all hiding places. Mountains are the reason people put their money in Switzerland.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio