Argus Hamilton's column for 11-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

West Hollywood had its Halloween Parade Saturday with hundreds of thousands of people in the street. It's a combination Halloween parade and gay rights rally. To stop the spread of swine flu everybody was instructed to sodomize into their elbows.

Brett Favre returned to Green Bay on Sunday with Fox Sports covering his every move. It's the first time a camera followed one player all day. If they would do this to everyone, the Office Sex Network would have the highest ratings in television.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt stated in divorce papers that his wife Jamie had an adulterous affair with her driver. She and the driver went to Paris together in July. Early in any romance a woman thinks that her guy can drive on water.

New York officials announced plans Wednesday to remove three hundred and fifty thousand telephone booths from the streets due to cell phone use. Phone booths will become extinct. From now on, Superman may have to change clothes in a Radio Shack.

The USS Ramage accidentally fired three shots from a machine gun into a Polish port Friday while the destroyer was docked. This should settle the argument over whether the U.S. government is turning communist or fascist. We've just attacked Poland.

Canadian health officials on Tuesday proposed opening clinics where people can do cocaine legally. Mexico's government just legalized user amounts of cocaine and pot. Hollywood may have to legalize statutory rape in order to stop runaway production.

President Obama signed an order ending a travel ban on HIV-positive people last week. He seemed tense. Barack Obama has been in a foul mood ever since that beer commercial came on TV featuring the Most Interesting Man in the World, and it wasn't him.

The Pentagon recommended holding detainees in Charleston as they await trial for trying to overthrow the U.S. government. It's to make them feel at home. Charleston has statues in the town square honoring men who tried to overthrow the U.S. government.

President Obama held his seventh Afghan strategy meeting, and photos showed him with eight of his top aides seated around a White House conference table. You could see they were near a decision. Their eyes were closed and their hands were on the Ouija board.

Hillary Clinton told the Pakistani people Thursday that they aren't doing enough to go after al-Qaeda. Her visit to Pakistan was no accident. She wanted to make sure she was out of the country when health care reform got killed so she'd have an alibi.

Nancy Pelosi trotted out a health care reform bill Thursday. It's two thousand pages long. The first page states that the bill provides affordable health care for every American and the other nineteen hundred and ninety-nine pages list the exceptions.

The House health care bill requires that vending machines display the calorie count of colas, snacks and food items. It's the Puritan ethic at work. Young people can't learn early enough in life that pleasure without shame isn't really pleasure at all.

GOP congressmen were quick to point out that the Democratic health care reform bill contained the end-of-life counseling provisions. The health care bill would pay doctors to encourage Medicare patients to sign do-not-resuscitate orders when they go into the hospital. Where does Jack Kevorkian go to get his reputation back?



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio