Argus Hamilton's column for 11-1-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt accused his wife Jamie on Monday of sleeping with her chauffeur, which she admitted. The team is downcast. Matt Kemp no longer lives under the illusion that he drove home the most runs for the Dodgers last season.

Andre Agassi admitted Monday he took crystal meth twelve years ago and lied to tennis officials about it. He just had to try it. Andre Agassi was always a great ambassador for tennis, but even he couldn't market the sport to the biker demographic.

WalMart began selling caskets on its web site Thursday which prompted fears by funeral parlors that they'll be undersold. The web site takes seven to ten days to ship. So if you order a casket, be forewarned it could be considered evidence of premeditation.

The White House on Thursday considered bribing Taliban rebels to switch sides and join the U.S. It worked on the Sunnis in Iraq two years ago and turned the tide. It means if Rush Limbaugh wants to own an NFL team he's going to have to switch sides.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood ripped the pilots who overshot Minneapolis last week. They knew they were in trouble upon wakening. They figured the only way to get out of it was to keep flying to New York and land safely on the Hudson River.

West Virginia was ranked the most sleep-deprived state by an AMA survey. There is a simple reason for the insomnia. West Virginia is rife with moonshine stills, pot farms and meth labs, and half the state sleeps while the other half stands guard.

The Interior Department refused Wednesday to recognize the Little Shell Tribe in Montana. It was worth a try anyway. To try to keep up with the profits from last year's high gasoline prices oil companies are trying to diversify into casino licenses.

Forbes ran its annual list of dead celebrities' earnings in the December issue Tuesday. It shows that Elvis made fifty-five million dollars last year and Michael Jackson has made ninety million dollars since he died. Paul McCartney just bought a gun to use on the next relative who asks him if he needs anything at the drug store.

Fidel Castro's sister Juanita said Tuesday she used to spy on Cuba for the CIA in the Sixties. The government wasn't kidding around. Bobby Kennedy used to spend an hour every day trying to kill Fidel Castro as part of his morning exercise routine.

President Obama compared Fox News to talk radio Saturday. He's mad because Fox didn't air his last prime-time press conference. In case a cataclysm occurs at the White House, one network must remain on air to ensure a continuity of sex and violence.

Barack Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe wrote that Bill Clinton cost Hillary the vice presidency last year. It was the right call. It wouldn't look good in a time of austerity to have three shifts of food tasters working at the White House each day.

Nancy Pelosi released the House version of the health care bill Thursday which requires everyone to buy insurance. The Founders would be aghast. John Hancock never would have dreamed of asking for something like this and he was an insurance company.

The White House was cited by critics Tuesday for giving big Democratic donors access to the president's private bowling alley across the street in the Executive Office Building. People were horrified. It's bad enough that there's a bar in the Executive Office Building but a rental shoe counter is just plain undignified.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio