Argus Hamilton's column for 10-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama touted health care reform in the Rose Garden Monday surrounded by a hundred and fifty doctors in white coats. The doctors were shocked to see each other. They each thought they're the only ones writing prescriptions for the president.

New York installed security cameras throughout Manhattan on Monday. That's how popular the Erin Andrews peephole video is on the Internet. New York is hoping to balance the city budget by catching her walking to her car with her blouse unbuttoned.

David Letterman's blackmailer Joe Halderman hired John Gotti trial lawyer Gerald Shargel Monday. He gets mobsters acquitted by dredging up the past of accusers and witnesses. He's the only defense attorney in New York with a proctologist on retainer.

David Letterman's staffers who didn't have sex with him and didn't get promoted were reportedly angry about all the staffers who did. An investigation is sure to follow. By the time this ends he'll have an office in Harlem and a wife in the Senate.

McDonald's caused a stir in Paris Monday by announcing plans to open a restaurant in the Louvre Museum. The chain made every effort to assuage France's wounded sense of artistic pride. Every Chicken McNugget is shaped like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The Weather Channel forecasted Monday El Nino will result in a freezing winter this year. The climate change conference is in December. It turns out that global warming is produced on the same computer model that gave sub-prime loans a AAA rating.

The FBI filed charges against Michael Barrett for shooting peephole videos of ESPN's Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room. She was horrified when she saw the grainy video. When Roman Polanski heard she's thirty-one he told her to get another filmmaker.

French director Roman Polanski asked a Swiss judge for bail Monday pending his hearing. He was nabbed in Zurich when he arrived to accept a lifetime achievement honor. We could capture Osama bin Laden if someone would just put him up for a Peabody Award.

Conde Nast closed Gourmet magazine after sixty-nine years of publication. They tried to adapt to the recession but they just couldn't do it. Why would readers pay for Hamburger Helper recipes when they can get them for free on the side of the box?

National Security Adviser James Jones told CNN Sunday President Obama will try to overturn the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Gay soldiers may just be the answer. We've tried everything to win the war in Afghanistan except musical comedy.

Hillary Clinton will fly to London next week where she will discuss the economy, terrorism and arms control. The woman is amazing. In eighteen years she's gone from being the national punchline to being the only reason eighteen states haven't seceded.

Michelle Obama spoke to the IOC Friday where she said she sat on her father's lap watching Carl Lewis win all his medals in the Olympics. She was twenty years old that year. Oprah Winfrey can't believe she confessed to the IOC instead of on her show.

The National Cathedral in Washington D.C. had its annual Blessing of the Animals Monday. The turnout was huge for the blessings. So many senators' wives brought their old goats to the ceremony that the Senate had to adjourn for lack of a quorum.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio