Argus Hamilton's column for 10-25-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama demonized Fox News as a form of right-wing talk radio Thursday in an NBC interview. The women on Fox News would be wasted on radio. They're so beautiful that men just stammer in their presence and hate Obama without knowing why.

Senator Lamar Alexander urged Barack Obama to drop his White House enemies list Tuesday. It's eerie. If Nixon has returned to earth as our first black president, it must mean he really did go to hell and is doing community service to work his way out.

The Philadelphia Phillies won the National League playoff series Wednesday. It wasn't without the usual controversy. President Obama could clinch the passage of health care reform if he would guarantee it covers optometry appointments for umpires.

Pope Benedict offered Episcopalians conversion to Roman Catholicism Tuesday if they're angry over New Hampshire's gay bishop ordination. The offer was laughed off. It's widely seen as an effort by the Catholic Church to recruit straight priests.

Los Angeles lifeguards spotted a Great White Shark north of Malibu Friday. The beach is where agents, directors, producers, and studio executives like to swim. All the shark could remember to do was to poke them in the eyes if they get near him.

The Journal of Family Issues reported Thursday that the more housework you do, the more often you have sex with your spouse. That's nice. Next week's study shows the more times you're on the House floor the more often you have sex with someone else's spouse.

Senator Max Baucus met with Democrats in the U.S. Capitol last week to merge the twenty-three-hundred-page health care bill. Every American ought to read it. It's so heavy that if you lift the bill three times a day you'll live to be one hundred.

The Justice Department announced a raid Thursday on the notorious Mexican drug cartel La Familia. The U.S. attorney general was outraged by the size of the cocaine haul. Those stimulus dollars are supposed to go to hard-working American drug dealers.

New Zealand scientists published a study Thursday proving owning a dog has the same carbon footprint as driving an SUV six thousand miles a year. It's shocking. It turns out that Michael Vick just served two years in prison for saving the planet.

Boone Pickens told Congress the U.S. is entitled to Iraq's oil due to sacrifices we made there. This could catch on. For the sacrifices we made in Afghanistan we get their heroin and for the sacrifices we made in Vietnam we get their Nike factories.

Dick Cheney slammed the White House for dithering on Afghanistan Thursday. He's also furious at the probe of CIA interrogators. Most of all he's angry that we just fired a missile into the moon's butt and didn't hit any of their terror training camps.

SMU admitted Friday its art museum owns two paintings looted by the Nazis from the Rothschilds. There are no plans for the Bush Presidential Library to leave SMU. As long as the paintings weren't looted from Saddam's palace, the library is still a go.

George W. Bush spoke in Montreal Thursday and urged the Obama administration to sell the government's share of banks and carmakers as fast as possible. He said the only way the economy's going to recover is if the government gets out of the private sector. When he undermined global capitalism, he meant for it to be temporary.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio