Argus Hamilton's column for 10-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama declared war on the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Tuesday. He declared war on Fox News, the insurance industry and Wall Street the day before. Taliban fans are demanding to know how they dropped out of the top five without losing a game.

President Obama offered to change U.S. policy on Sudan Tuesday if it will change its ways. Slavery is legal in Sudan but Obama didn't call for its abolition. Rush Limbaugh was just barred from the NFL for the same position and he didn't even take it.

Pope Benedict announced Tuesday he wants to make it easy for Anglicans who are angry over gay clergy ordination to convert to Catholicism. It's part of his long-term plan. Germans of his generation never really gave up the dream of taking England.

Governor Schwarzenegger signed a law allowing an NFL football stadium to be built in the City of Industry. It's a factory strip. If Los Angeles were the world's most beautiful woman, the City of Industry would be the tattoo on her that you didn't know about.

Oprah Winfrey booked Sarah Palin on her show to help rebuild her ratings after her viewership crashed when she campaigned for Obama. Welfare reform changed everything. Today women with their afternoons free to watch television are all Republicans.

United Airlines pilots elected Captain Wendy Morse the first woman to head the airline's pilots union Monday. She's vowed to get laid-off pilots rehired. Right now they're having to live on federal drink stamps until they can get back in the cockpit.

The Beatles Rock Band video game was reported Tuesday to have sold six hundred thousand units the first month alone. It's evidence that older people are buying video games. By next Christmas the hottest new video game will be Grand Theft Tylenol.

House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel avoided efforts to dump him over ethics charges Monday. This is silly. Congress will launch a serious investigation into ethics violations just as soon as they can find a lobbyist who will pay them to do it.

Congress took the health care bill behind closed doors Monday to craft a final version. They must write the bill so that when it bankrupts the Treasury they will be able to say it was not their fault. Congress hasn't admitted anything since Hawaii.

Congress voted Tuesday to permit the transfer of Guantanamo terror suspects to stand trial in the U.S. It only allows detainees to come to the U.S. if they are not a security risk. Half the guys there were flown to Guantanamo just to balance the plane.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor said Monday the White House picked out the clothes she wore to her Supreme Court nomination announcement. They chose dark blue and black. It's administration policy that no one is allowed to look brighter than the president.

Justice Samuel Alito complained Tuesday that people keep asking him why there are six Catholics on the Supreme Court. If they change Court decorum it could cause trouble. A Baptist won't kneel to line up a putt much less to make a closing argument.

Los Angeles Superior Court banned the closing down of medical marijuana stores by police and sheriffs Monday. There's not a lot of supervision over who gets the drugs. One guy showed up with a note from his crack dealer ordering him to mellow out.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio