Argus Hamilton's column for 10-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Christopher Columbus was remembered in Columbus Day parades on Monday. History books nowadays greatly begrudge the man. They say Columbus was the first European ever to set foot in the New World, leading indirectly to the discovery of penicillin.

The Los Angeles Dodgers swept the St. Louis Cardinals in three games to win the National League Divisional Series in St. Louis Saturday. The TV ratings were huge. President Obama watched all three games and was named the series Most Valuable Player.

Paranormal Activity sold out at theaters Saturday by showing video proof of ghost activity. It spotlights the world's unexplained phenomena. The movie got a boost Friday when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize the same day he bombed the moon.

President Obama conceded Friday he was surprised to learn he had won the Nobel Peace Prize and had done nothing to earn it. That's how nervous the world is about the U.S. They will hand us a peace prize just for doing nothing for nine months, the same way Northern Europe used to thank God whenever the Vikings would stay home all summer.

L.A. Police Chief Bill Bratton made plans Monday to join a private security firm when he retires next month. He's done a great job. Los Angeles neighborhoods are so quiet that if someone's yelling at night it just means that El Salvador scored a goal.

Al Sharpton ripped Rush Limbaugh's St. Louis Rams bid, claiming he's racially insensitive. Is he nuts? The NFL teams are owned by thirty-two billionaires, and Rush Limbaugh's what they'd all sound like if their lawyers ever let them near a microphone.

President Obama held a closed-door meeting on Thursday with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He also had a closed-door meeting with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. After what's happened to David Letterman, it's pretty reckless to leave the door open.

U.S. citizen Luis Pena Soltren flew home to New York Friday forty years after he hijacked a plane to Cuba. He's safe now. Because of all the long lines at airports, baggage fees, body searches and three-dollar cokes, Americans now side with hijackers.

White House communications director Anita Dunn described Fox News as a wing of the Republican Party Sunday. She said that the Obama administration will treat Fox News just like any other opponent. They will apologize to them and sell them weapons.

Sarah Palin's supporters formed a fundraising organization called Stand Up for Our Nation to push her Silent Majority GOP electoral strategy. What else could they call themselves? The White House Plumbers has already been trademarked by Gordon Liddy.

Delaware Cub Scout Zachary Christie was suspended for having a camping tool in school. It was a Cub Scout knife-fork-spoon. It's one thing to encourage six-year-olds to eat fresh foods, it's another thing to send them out hunting during lunch hour.

The Treasury Department said Monday the Taliban's in excellent financial shape this year while al-Qaeda is deeply strapped for cash. It's easy to see why. The Taliban stayed in the heroin trade while al-Qaeda decided to market top-shelf liquor.

Hillary Clinton met in London with Prime Minister Gordon Brown to reaffirm the special relationship between the U.S. and Britain Sunday. The same day President Obama went to St. John's Episcopal, church of presidents for two centuries. The old slogan was Change You Can Believe In, and the new slogan is Change Back before It's Too Late.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio