Argus Hamilton's column for 10-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma Sooners quarterback Sam Bradford and Florida Gators signal-caller Tim Tebow returned to action Saturday after being out with injuries. The pressure's off now. They can relax and concentrate on winning after Sunday's announcement that President Obama had won the Heisman Trophy.

The Pentagon tested a bomb on the moon Friday when a missile fired a TV-guided bomb into the lunar south pole. Congress never hesitated to fund the mission. Now that no one is getting away with adultery, they don't have any use for moonlight.

Bill Clinton played a practice round before the Presidents Cup at Harding Park in San Francisco Wednesday. It's a public course. Bill Clinton loves playing on public courses because he can hit a shot and not have to hear the Republican response.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine ran campaign ads making fun of his Republican opponent's weight. The governor likes to point out that he himself participates in marathons. He watched all eighty-six episodes of The Sopranos in a row over Labor Day.

The L.A. Dodgers had Hugh Hefner and three playmates recite the Dodger Stadium code of conduct for fans before Wednesday's game. What a mistake. When one of the girls told the crowd not to interfere with balls in play they couldn't restore order for ten minutes.

David Letterman didn't say one word about his sex and blackmail scandal in his monologue Wednesday to the studio audience's disappointment. They didn't want any jokes about health care. Once people get to know you, nothing's as funny as your life.

David Letterman's accused extortionist's lawyer appeared on the Today Show Tuesday. He says the comedian's office was a hotbed of sexual harassment. Whenever it was someone's birthday they would always get a cake and play Pinch the Tail on the Intern.

The U.S. Senate approved a resolution apologizing to American Indians for years of bad policies and for acts of violence. These reparations never end. Every time the Cowboys defeat the Redskins somebody else has to get a casino license.

Alaskans each received a thirteen-hundred-dollar check Thursday as their share of Alaska's oil revenues. Environmentalists want to keep it a secret. If California had this arrangement children would be building oil rigs on the beaches instead of sand castles.

President Obama held meetings with his national security advisers Friday. They discussed having the Taliban take part in the governing of Afghanistan. They believe women should be covered up, and you have to admit they've never been blackmailed.

President Obama made plans Friday to attend the Pacific Rim leaders conference in Singapore. It's a wealthy city where they cane people for minor violations of public order. It's just one more city that finished ahead of Chicago for the Olympics.

The Senate Finance Committee will vote today on a health care bill that forces Americans to buy insurance as a condition of living in America. The public won't be thrilled. We liberated the Iraqis from something that wasn't one-tenth this repressive.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said Tuesday it's important for parents to get their kids vaccinated for swine flu. She's right. We can't afford to lose even one young worker when we've got a debt this high and Nike's the only one that's hiring.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio