Argus Hamilton's column for 10-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama jets to Denmark today to push for Chicago's bid to host the Olympics. Oprah Winfrey is flying with him. Regis Philbin was kept out of the plane so in case anything happens to it America will be assured of a continuity of chit-chat.

France protested the arrest of Roman Polanski by Swiss police Sunday acting on a U.S. warrant. He fled justice after sleeping with a thirteen-year-old girl thirty years ago. If extradited he faces five to ten years as Thailand's Minister of Tourism.

Saudi prince Mohammed bin Nayef survived a suicide bomber who hid a bomb in his rectum last month. The explosion blew a crater in the floor. The next day the court jester was beheaded after he walked up to the prince and asked him to pull his finger.

Salt Lake City's Elizabeth Smart will testify Thursday in the competency trial of her abductor. He kidnapped her seven years ago. Child psychologists knew she had been damaged when she got home and told her family how much she loved Los Angeles.

The Dallas Cowboys won their first game in their new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on Monday Night Football. The stadium cost one billion dollars. The retractable roof opens whenever God wants to watch the Redskins game and closes if it's just Tampa Bay.

Phil Mickelson won the Tour Championship thanks to the success of his new wide putting stance. He sank eight birdie putts. Most golfers have been afraid to use a wide stance ever since it cost Larry Craig his Senate seat in an airport men's room.

The Senate Finance Committee voted down a public option in the health care reform bill on Tuesday. The current bill forces everyone to buy health insurance or face a fine or jail. If it passes, millions of Americans will renounce their citizenship and stay in America illegally so they can get free health care in the emergency room.

Senator Jay Rockefeller called insurance companies bandits Tuesday for making profits. He's the great-grandson of the founder of Standard Oil. Psychologists say this is what happens when you hate your parents but don't want to give back the money.

Michael Moore vowed Tuesday to mobilize voters against any lawmaker who votes against a public option in the health care bill. He's making a fortune from his movies denouncing capitalism, which is an old story in Hollywood. Warren Beatty built a beautiful house up on Mulholland Drive with the box office receipts from Reds.

California lawmakers neared a vote Tuesday exempting a new football stadium in Los Angeles from environmental review. It will be located in the City of Industry. If the stadium damages the habitat of industry, the Sierra Club will give it an award.

Los Angeles lifeguards cleared the beaches Tuesday after tsunami warnings were issued for the California coast. Large waves were approaching from the earthquake in the Pacific. Everybody in Malibu was just delighted to get seafood delivered for free.

President Obama met with the head of NATO Tuesday to discuss a new strategy in Afghanistan. Commanders have asked for German combat troops. The request for German troops has been delayed for years while we decide if we're really that mad at al-Qaeda.

U.S. Airways hero Sully Sullenberger and actor Harrison Ford appeared together in Los Angeles to urge kids who want to fly to join the Aeronautic Association. They meant well. It's safer for passengers if pilots start out in A.A. rather than end up in A.A.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio