Argus Hamilton's column for 9-6-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Thousand Oaks, California, had an ugly health care reform riot Thursday. An Obama supporter bit the finger off an Obama opponent. The White House plans to show the video to school kids to teach them the importance of washing your hands and brushing your teeth.

Dallas Cowboys Stadium hosted a college football game Saturday between Brigham Young and the Oklahoma Sooners. This is a ninety-year-old rivalry. Oklahoma fans are still angry about Prohibition and Brigham Young fans are still angry about Repeal.

The USC Trojans played in Los Angeles Coliseum Saturday despite brushfires. It all worked out. The fire department used old army planes to dump water on the hillsides and within the hour the hillsides confessed the location of Osama bin Laden.

The Dallas Cowboys were rated the most valuable NFL team by Forbes Tuesday. All the teams held their value last year. History will show that everyone lost money during the Great Recession except people who had their money tied up in football and cocaine.

Michael Jackson was finally laid to rest at Forest Lawn cemetery Thursday. His funeral service took place two months after he died. The family wanted President Obama to deliver one more speech to the nation and see if he could somehow be revived.

President Obama will spell out health care reform to Congress Wednesday. Those town halls were hard for him to watch. When he urged Americans to become more active and involved with their government, he meant only those Americans who agreed with him.

Nancy Pelosi said Thursday she's open to a health care bill without the public option as long as it has a trigger for a public option. This isn't going to work. Just because you place a trigger in the bill doesn't mean the NRA is going to back it.

Teddy Kennedy explained his side of Chappaquiddick in his memoir leaked to the New York Times Thursday. He drove his car off a bridge and left his female passenger to drown, while he swam to safety and waited ten hours to report the accident. To this day, Bill Clinton can't believe the country made such a big deal out of oral sex.

Levi Johnston told reporters Sarah Palin tried to adopt Bristol's baby to hide her pregnancy. It's not a favorable culture for women. Under Alaskan law a man can leave his wife everything in a trust, but she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

President Obama will address American gradeschoolers Tuesday. Some parents will keep their kids home because they don't want them indoctrinated with anti-capitalist ideas. The last thing anyone wants is for the Girl Scouts to be tossing their cookies.

The White House nixed plans for kids to write essays on ways they can help the president after the idea prompted national outrage. It's all innocent. All President Obama wanted to know was what they did on vacation, what their goals are in life, and what their parents say about President Obama when they think nobody's listening.

The Washington Post called on Charlie Rangel Friday to step down as House Ways and Means Chairman over crooked money deals. He was ready for them. When the numbers didn't add up on his financial disclosure forms he accused arithmetic of being racist.

Fidel Castro said Thursday he discussed what he called the Bush administration errors and horrors with Hollywood filmmaker Oliver Stone. He said that the ends do not justify the means. Cubans would be happy if their ends just had toilet paper.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio