Argus Hamilton's column for 9-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama scrapped Poland's missile defense against Russia Wednesday. It was the seventieth anniversary of Russia's invasion of Poland. Some people celebrate anniversaries by re-taking their vows but Russia celebrates them by re-taking Poland.

Mexican Independence Day was celebrated Wednesday a month after Mexico legalized pot, heroin and cocaine for personal use. It would never work here. The Medellin cartel would never fill out all the paperwork necessary to become a Medicare provider.

John Edwards was reported ready Saturday to admit he fathered his mistress Rielle Hunter's baby girl. She was a campaign worker for him. John Edwards always said that there are two Americas and to get more votes he started a family in each of them.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg ordered New York taxi companies to use hybrid cars within two years. They're great for conversation. The lousy acceleration and slow speed of these cars will give New York cab drivers something to complain about besides Zionism.

India reported Saturday that fewer Indian skilled workers are migrating to the West due to the worldwide recession. They're always welcomed in Los Angeles. The Hindu goddess Vishnu has nine arms, which is what Californians need when we're driving.

Taliban chief Mullah Omar went on the air Friday to say the Taliban is nice to women and doesn't make them cover up. He wanted to correct misperceptions. He also assured the world that Osama bin Laden is not dead, his Twitter account was just down.

Al-Qaeda posted a video threatening to attack Germany Saturday. There's a good reason why they want to take on the Germans. The terrorists are bored fighting American and British troops who play by the rules, they want to try Ultimate Fighting.

Mike Huckabee won a GOP presidential election straw poll at the Values Voters Summit of conservative evangelicals in Washington D.C. Saturday. He has an unfair advantage because he has a TV show on Fox News Channel. Evangelicals watch Fox News because they are convinced MSNBC won't break into programming to report the Rapture.

President Obama did the David Letterman show Monday after five TV appearances Sunday and five televised speeches the week before. He's gotten addicted to the sound of cheers and applause from a live studio audience. It could save a lot of travel expenses if we could get the D.C. fire marshal to approve the installation of bleachers in the Oval Office.

Barack Obama pushed for health care reform on five talk shows Sunday. Liberals complain he's been too passive. If Dick Cheney were pushing health care reform he'd be at the Heritage Foundation warning us that we are all one day closer to death.

Congressional Black Caucus member Hank Johnson warned Thursday that conditions are ripe for the return of the Ku Klux Klan. It was the little things that tipped him off. Last week he tried to order a Snuggies in white and they were all sold out.

President Obama disagreed with Jimmy Carter Friday after Carter told NBC News that health care reform opponents are racist. Meanwhile, Democratic senators introduced a health care bill in the Senate, then distanced themselves from it. This is the scene on Animal Planet when Democrats, within sight of victory, eat each other.

Sarah Palin offered dinner with herself in an auction on eBay Friday. An Alabama defense contractor won. You put Alabama and Alaska at the same table and there's no disagreement over whether to shoot Rocky or Bullwinkle, they are both on the menu.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio