Argus Hamilton's column for 9-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Jessica Simpson offered a reward for the return of her dog after a coyote took it. It's the nuttiest thing anyone's ever heard. She hasn't heard from the coyote yet but people up in Alaska have asked if she'd be interested in being their governor.

Mexican Independence Day was observed in marches and rallies across California last week by Hispanic activists. The police could do nothing to stop the rowdiness. Try pepper spray on this crowd and they'll just ask for some guacamole to go with it.

The Values Voters Summit of religious conservatives convened in Washington last weekend. Two thousand evangelical Christians stayed in one hotel. After three days of this convention the bartenders and hookers at the hotel qualified for food stamps.

The Guiding Light left the air Friday after seventy years of lust and adultery and incest. The censors never bothered soap operas. As long as they played organ music going in and out of the break the sponsors thought it was a religious broadcast.

Common Sense Media said Friday NFL telecasts aren't fit for kids to watch. Half the commercial breaks feature ads for alcohol, drugs or pills for enhanced sexual performance. The idea is to teach children that all their insecurities are treatable.

Journal Science reported the discovery Friday of the ancestor of Tyrannosaurus Rex. The dinosaur was the world's top predator until the day a meteor struck the earth and turned all the dinosaurs into oil deposits. It's a school holiday in Texas.

President Obama scrapped the missile defense system designed to protect Poland from Russian attack Thursday on the seventieth anniversary of Russia's invasion of Poland. This explains why Obama removed the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Office and sent it back to the British Embassy. He wanted one of Neville Chamberlain.

The California Energy Commission on Friday unveiled the nation's first energy efficiency standards for big-screen television. The commission is determined to phase out all electricity-guzzling big TV screens. That's why the Dallas Cowboys Stadium has been added to the Axis of Evil, not because President Obama is a Bears fan.

President Obama skipped Fox News on his media blitz Sunday because he said Fox is devoted solely to attacking him. That's fair. He felt burned after they aired undercover tapes showing ACORN telling him how to turn self-pity into world domination.

President Obama will be the first U.S. president to chair the U.N. Security Council this week. The U.N. is traditionally where Third World leaders air their grievances against U.S.-British imperialism and Zionism. Obama was elected chairman by acclamation.

Bill Clinton is hosting the Clinton Global Initiative in New York this week in conjunction with the U.N. opening, despite having a terrible cold. It could ruin his week. Nibbling on a woman's ear is a lot less effective if you're wearing a surgical mask.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will stay in the Iranian Mission in New York this week and Moammar Khadaffi will be staying in the Libyan Mission. King Abdullah will stay at the Saudi Mission. It just shows that democratic capitalism is the only system that creates prosperity, otherwise the leaders of oil nations wouldn't be sleeping in soup kitchens.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio