Argus Hamilton's column for 9-20-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Jessica Simpson posted a reward for the return of her toy Maltese poodle after it was snatched by a coyote as she was walking the dog in the desert Monday. The coyote doesn't want her money. His bill at the Acme Explosives factory is all paid up.

Jerry Jones announced he wants a hundred thousand fans in attendance at tonight's Dallas Cowboys Stadium opener. He sold thousands of standing-room seats with a stunning view. For what he paid for that video board, it had better be able to support the weight.

World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon quit the sport Wednesday to run for U.S. Senate in Connecticut. Everyone's rooting for her. With any luck, she will be able to take American politics and raise it to the level of professional wrestling.

Kanye West went nuts at the MTV awards as Serena Williams threatened a U.S. Open line judge and a congressman heckled the president, who called Kanye West a jackass. What's happened to this country? Dogs are being arrested for betting on people fights.

The L.A. Times cited a decline in civility in sports, politics and entertainment Wednesday. The real problem is public vulgarity. George Carlin once listed the seven words you can't say on television, and now they're the nation's most popular ringtone.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome got Bill Clinton's backing in the primary for governor Tuesday. The Democratic mayor had an adulterous affair with a Fox News reporter. He features the affair in a campaign commercial to show that he can work across the aisle.

Congress voted along party lines Tuesday to admonish U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina for heckling President Obama. Democrats insisted on it. Joe Wilson is a mild-mannered lawmaker who'd never start a fight, but South Carolina is a known hothead.

The U.S. Forest Service apologized Tuesday for saying campers who eat tortillas and drink Tecate beer and listen to Spanish music may be armed marijuana growers. That was a completely unfair stereotype. They could just as easily be an ACORN health care clinic.

The Texas Board of Education may change the social studies curriculum to salute Cesar Chavez as a great American. Educators want to honor Hispanic heroes. Cesar Chavez went to the top of the list after the five names ahead of him tested positive for steroids.

Iraq freed the jailed Iraqi reporter who threw his shoe at President Bush last year. He says the Iraqi police tortured him with whippings, electrical shocks and beatings. It was six months before he finally gave up the name of the shoe store.

White House adviser David Axelrod met with Senate Democrats Wednesday and told them that voting for health care reform will help them get re-elected. It didn't help. Now two dozen Senate Democrats are going to be censured for calling him a liar.

Senator Max Baucus released his proposed health care reform bill Wednesday. He vowed that it will pass the Senate even though both Democrats and Republicans on his Finance Committee say they won't vote for it. They're so bad at math they really ought to fund education and forget about health care.

Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus vowed to go ahead with the health care bill even if the Democrats are forced to go it alone. Republicans have good reason for opposing this bill. When half the doctors in the country close their practices, everybody's going to have to get up at three o'clock in the morning to get a tee time.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio