Argus Hamilton's column for 9-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Boston Medical School got pledges from one hundred NFL players to donate their brains to science. It's for research. Scientists hope to discover whether it's Southern cooking or brain damage that causes Brett Favre to retire and un-retire every summer.

President Obama called Kanye West a jackass Tuesday for his misbehavior at the MTV Awards. He was drinking Cognac right out of the bottle. No one in California uses glassware anymore because of the water restrictions when you run your dishwasher.

Kanye West leaped on stage at the MTV Awards Sunday and grabbed the microphone from Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech. He shouted that the blonde should not have won. Hillary Clinton saw the video clip and it gave her a bad New Hampshire flashback.

The U.S. Senate voted to halt funding for ACORN Monday after staffers were taped helping pimps and hookers set up brothels. This complicates everything. From now on all federal money going to ACORN has to be funneled through Eliot Spitzer's account.

Ted Kennedy's memoir Compass hit the bookstores Tuesday, in which he tells the story of his fabled life. The illustrations include watercolor portraits which he painted himself. They weren't originally watercolors but he kept them in the back seat.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke declared Tuesday the recession is mostly over, causing the stock market to continue rising. It's a game-changer. The moment the Dow Jones hits ten thousand, Republicans could care less if you call them racists.

Serena Williams threatened to shove a tennis ball down a Japanese line judge's throat Saturday. There's no history of racial ill will here. In World War II blacks were not even allowed to fight in the Pacific Theater, they had to sit in the balcony.

The White House announced Tuesday President Obama will do a media blitz Sunday and go on NBC's Meet the Press, CBS's Face the Nation and ABC's This Week. However, he won't be going on Fox News. Sunday is a day for gods to spend with their worshippers.

Iraq freed the Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President Bush onstage in Baghdad last year. It's a cultural insult. Republicans would never throw their shoes at Barack Obama onstage for fear they would go to jail for arranging alligator fights.

Congress reprimanded U.S. Rep Joe Wilson for heckling President Obama during last week's speech. Blame the writers. Barack Obama told Congress health care won't insure illegal aliens, and when a joke doesn't get a laugh it just opens the door to heckling.

Congressional Black Caucus member Hank Johnson said GOP support for Joe Wilson may lead to white people riding around wearing hoods over their heads again. How can he tell they're white? Everybody is taking precautions against catching swine flu.

Charles Manson follower Squeaky Fromme moved out of California Monday. She just served thirty years for taking a shot at President Ford. She's moving to upstate New York, which means the risk of Parkinson's disease isn't Bill Clinton's only problem.

Joe Biden was in Baghdad Tuesday during a rocket attack near the U.S. Embassy in the Green Zone. It was close. It's not known if they were actually shooting at the vice president but Hillary Clinton advised him to document the incident very carefully or no one will believe it when he mentions it during the next campaign.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio