Argus Hamilton's column for 9-16-09

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

N.Y. Jets rookie Mark Sanchez won his first game Sunday after a pre-game pep talk from Broadway Joe Namath. It inspired him. Not only did he win the game, but when he woke up the next morning there were six girls in his bed and he was wearing pantyhose.

London Mayor Boris Johnson announced in New York Monday that London will hold an Age of Dickens street festival. It was an age of abject street poverty, unlike today. Barack Obama noticed a beggar on Wall Street Monday and put a bailout in his cup.

Tina Fey won an Emmy Sunday for her Sarah Palin impersonations on Saturday Night Live. She was embarrassed to accept it. Looking exactly like the funniest vice presidential candidate since Billy Carter gave her an unfair advantage over everybody.

Kanye West leaped onstage drunk at the MTV Awards Sunday and interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. His hard partying lifestyle is taking a toll on his health. His doctor just told him if he has six strong friends to put them on stand-by.

Serena Williams blew up at the U.S. Open at Forest Hills Saturday. She cussed out a judge and threatened to shove a tennis ball down her throat. By the end of the day she was fined ten thousand dollars and awarded the MTV Award for Best New Rap Artist.

Vampire Diaries actresses were fined four thousand dollars by a Georgia county for flashing their breasts at passing motorists from a highway overpass Friday. This isn't L.A. Plastic surgeons can't advertise on billboards in Georgia without a permit.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez secured Russia's aid Thursday in developing nuclear power for his country. He wants to be the first world leader to have oil, cocaine and nuclear weapons. That's what it takes to hang onto power after you socialize medicine.

Wall Street marked the one-year anniversary of the Lehman Brothers collapse on Monday. The crash affected the nation's psyche. Millions of kids enrolled in the Boy Scouts so they can learn how to live in the wild after they graduate from college.

President Obama decided to impose tariffs on Chinese-made automobile and truck tires on Friday. It takes a lot of courage to start a trade war with the country that's loaning us the money to keep our government running. They could dock his salary.

Bill Clinton's health was tabloid fodder Tuesday after Americans saw his hands trembling recently on television. He denied having Parkinson's disease and it's true. There's nine hundred pages of federal testimony that he can't control his hands.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack told people to stop saying swine flu because it hurts hog farmers. The next presidential race has officially begun. Whenever a president's job approval rating slips into the forties, Iowa starts making its demands.

Libya hired British commandos Friday to train their troops in anti-terrorism. They are cool now. Libya's off the list of terrorist nations, but they want to stay in the Axis of Evil because they don't want to lose their group discount on health insurance.

New York City celebrated the four hundredth anniversary Sunday of the discovery of the Hudson River by English captain Henry Hudson. Thousands cheered as a replica of his ship the Half Moon sailed by the Statue of Liberty. CNN reported it as a suspicious vessel and sent the entire East Coast into a terrorism alert panic.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio