Argus Hamilton's column for 9-13-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama gave a health care speech to nurses Thursday one day after his health care speech to Congress. It's his thirtieth speech on health care. If Mike Vick beat a dead horse like this he would be sent back to prison for violating parole.

The White House canceled NASA'S new moon mission Friday over lack of money. We don't need the space program for that trip. All we have to do is hire a mountain climber to climb to the top of the deficit and he will get to the moon halfway there.

Great White sharks were spotted in the waters off Cape Cod last week. Swimmers are warned by lifeguards to poke a shark in the eyes if a shark approaches them. So when the contest is man versus nature, our best option is the Three Stooges Defense.

Charlie Sheen wrote President Obama a letter Tuesday asking him to investigate if President Bush let the World Trade Center attacks occur. The actor's gone off the deep end. He even asked CBS to change the name of his sitcom to Two and a Half Towers.

President Obama sent a note to Congress Thursday renewing the state of emergency declared after the 9-11 attack for another year. It's a legal necessity. The state of emergency must be renewed annually, otherwise we risk becoming a free country again.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was asked to resign by GOP state House members Wednesday. He told his wife he went hiking but flew to Argentina to see his mistress. Half of all married men commit adultery in America and the rest go out of the country.

California lawmaker Mike Duvall of Yorba Linda was taped bragging about his sexual affairs with utility lobbyists. The Nixon Library is in his district. He represents an ancient and proud tradition of getting caught on tape screwing the American people.

President Obama goes on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday, then he gives another primetime speech Monday. Republicans are thrilled. President Obama will be on against Sunday Night Football and Monday Night Football and that could be enough to get him canceled.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu was kept out of the Capitol building during President Obama's speech Wednesday. It's for continuity of government if a bomb blew up the building. They didn't keep Hillary out because they didn't want to give her a motive.

Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for shouting that President Obama was a liar during his speech to Congress. Calling someone a liar is a breach of protocol. The only terms you are allowed to use on the floor of the House are socialist and Nazi.

Republicans said Thursday the health care reform bill covers illegal aliens. Why would illegals prefer America's health plan to Mexico's health plan? Now that Mexico has legalized pot and cocaine, America's prescription drug plan is really squaresville.

President Obama insisted on a public health care plan that pays for itself. It is doable. They've ruled out a soda tax, but they think they can make billions by selling the broadcast rights for a reality show about the senior citizen death panels.

Acorn counselors were caught on videotape Thursday arranging housing loans for undercover actors posing as a hooker and her pimp. The counselor advised them how to stash underage Salvadoran hookers. Acorn receives tons of federal tax dollars under the theory that if the hookers are young enough, it is technically a green job.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio