Argus Hamilton's column for 8-9-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton got the two young American women reporters out of North Korea and safely to Los Angeles Wednesday. Imagine their parents' relief. They feared their daughters might be attacked, raped or manhandled, and that was just on the flight home.

Al Gore welcomed his two journalists home from North Korea Wednesday. They had been sentenced to twelve years of hard labor for illegally crossing the border. It's the same deal that used to draw Mexicans to America before all the jobs dried up.

Bill Clinton returned in triumph from North Korea Wednesday after he freed the two young women journalists. He landed at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. It's only right that an airport named after Bob Hope should welcome America's greatest comedian.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning signed a six-year deal for one hundred million dollars Wednesday. His brother Peyton Manning has the same deal with the Indianapolis Colts. Their father Archie Manning has the same deal with the sperm bank.

Roseanne Barr posed in a Jewish humor magazine sporting a swastika armband and a Hitler mustache and slicked-down hair. She flipped out. She's sick and tired of submitting her personality profile to e-Harmony and getting fixed up with Ryan O'Neal.

The Pentagon confirmed Wednesday that sonar detected Russian subs trolling off the Eastern Seaboard of the United States. They were little subs and completely harmless. A sperm whale saw a dozen of them and began handing out cigars at the lodge.

Iran arrested three Americans who strayed over the border from Iraq. The same day North Korea released two Americans who strayed over from China. That new iPhone application on uncrowded hiking trails was based on an old map of the British Empire.

Senator Barbara Boxer said health care protests look staged because protesters seem too well-dressed for ordinary Americans. Is she deaf? They may be well-dressed but this group is so angry even the alligators on the golf shirts are snapping at the congressmen.

Sarah Palin denied divorce rumors Wednesday while she was in Manhattan meeting with her literary agent about a book deal. There's a simple explanation. One reason she's so popular is because a lot of people think that she and Todd are Jon and Kate.

President Obama brought federal grants to an Indiana factory to start an electric battery company Wednesday. It used to be a factory that built recreational vehicles. The RV industry used to thrive in America and then the DEA cracked down on mobile meth labs.

The White House told Democratic lawmakers Wednesday that the town hall meeting protesters are not genuine but are hired by lobbyists. The government is denouncing the protests, as citizens use Twitter to organize their rebellion. We're getting to be so much like Iran that the Israelis would be wise to hit our nuclear facilities.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit Wednesday. Her husband had just rescued two young women in North Korea. Hillary's not greedy, but she would be forty-five hundred dollars richer if Congress would pass a Cash for Upstagers program.

Nancy Pelosi earmarked two hundred million dollars for three luxury jets for Congress to use. What else can they do? After they shamed corporate executives into selling their jets, there's nothing left to borrow but the company station wagon.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio