Argus Hamilton's column for 8-7-09

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton got two young American women released in North Korea Tuesday. The families got the news first. Mixed emotion is hearing that your daughter's been pardoned from a North Korean prison term and she will be flying home with Bill Clinton.

North Korea gave American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling a special pardon Tuesday and sent them home to California. It will be a huge adjustment for them. In North Korea they'd been sentenced to hard labor and in California there is no work.

Bill Clinton flew to Los Angeles from North Korea with the two freed American women journalists late Tuesday. It was a dangerous mission. Bill Clinton is a heart patient, and two women at the same time at thirty thousand feet could have killed him.

Kevin Costner's Canada concert was marred when a storm blew the awning onto the crowd. One fan went to the hospital in Manitoba. He drew number ten thousand six hundred and five at the admissions desk, where the sign read Now Serving Number Twelve.

Ryan O'Neal said Monday he didn't recognize his own daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and tried to pick her up in the sanctuary. He asked her out as the casket went past. In America we've got three words for a guy like that, Governor Ryan O'Neal.

Wisconsin cops arrested four women for assaulting a married man who was having an affair with all of them. They got him naked, tied him to a chair, then crazy-glued his genitals to his belly. Nobody ever misses an episode of To Catch a Senator.

The White House released a study Tuesday showing that texting while driving is dangerous. That doesn't mean they're against it. Texting while driving's a bad idea unless you need to save money on health care and you are driving a busload of seniors.

Washington University researchers said Monday that depression is now affecting some kids at the age of three. It's so true. That's the age children are told if they don't do their pre-school homework, they are never going to get a job in this economy.

The White House reported a historic plunge in tax revenue on Monday. This puts a crimp in all the grand plans. Revenues are so low the only health care reform the country can afford is an executive order directing Americans to jog and eat broccoli.

The Transportation Department announced Tuesday it will hold a safety conference to discuss the dangers of texting while driving. It's actually safer to text and drive in Los Angeles. The number of drivers killed while texting is half the number who would've died from freeway shootings if the driver's hands had been free to draw.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya Tuesday when her husband Bill got the call to fly to North Korea and rescue two female journalists. Every general on the continent of Africa wants to meet her in person. Her wedding ring is the original conflict diamond.

The U.S. Senate promised Tuesday to add two billion to the Cash for Clunkers program. Everybody's getting in with easy monthly payments. Six months from now Barney Frank will be demanding that banks modify car loans to keep people from losing their homes.

President Obama went to Indiana Wednesday to open a battery factory in Elkhart. He's announcing federal funds to create jobs to pay people to make batteries. Ever since dropping cash out of helicopters on Sunni insurgents cut violence in Iraq by ninety percent, it's been America's go-to plan for everything.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio